Ship of Fools: Types of Church

Thread: Types of Church Board: Oblivion / Ship of Fools.

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Posted by Sipech (# 16870) on :

I came across an amusing take on different types of churches today. It seems quite geared for a US audience, though some seemed quite familiar.

What other types of churches might there be?

We spend more on our after service coffee than on the communion wine
We only say 'real presence' because we can't pronounce transubstantiation once we've downed the leftovers
When we said everybody was welcome, we never actually expected any visitors to turn up

Posted by Bishops Finger (# 5430) on :

We are autism-aware, as long as your child doesn't SHOUT.....

(I rather liked this one - 18. I spend my Spring Break saving people I’m better than! That’s why Jesus loves ME).

IJ

Posted by Gamaliel (# 812) on :

How about:

- We are so 'relevant', hip and up-to-date we only use jargon our own set understand.

- Ours is a FUN church. Yes! Fun! We have a whale of a time like you wouldn't believe. Why would anyone would waste their time down the pub or at a theme park or sports game when church is such FUN? We are having such fun, fun, FUN! Why last Sunday I even got to play with the poster paint.

Meanwhile, on a more serious note, you do realise, Sipech that 'real presence' and 'transubstantiation' aren't necessarily synonymous?

So, how about?

- We're the nuanced church. Pedantry is important. Why, we can tell you the distinction between Amyraldianism and Supralapsarianism. We can help you distinguish your alb from your elbow.

Posted by Ricardus (# 8757) on :

We are a Little-Endian church. Don't listen to that other important layperson who says we are a Big-Endian church.

Posted by georgiaboy (# 11294) on :

The curate at my former parish had a sign on his office door which read 'Jesus loves everybody, but I'm his favorite!'

It was shortly (and briefly) replaced by one which read 'Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an ass-hole.'

Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :

"In this church we worship God. Who is represented in person by the pastor."

Posted by Hedgehog (# 14125) on :

quote:
16. Mostly here for the architecture

Guilty as charged. I have a selection of RC churches in my area that I could attend, and my choice is largely determined by architecture. [Hot and Hormonal]

Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :

Nobody here speaks Spanish as a native language, but we like to sing the occasional song or have the occasional Gospel read in Spanish, just in case a Latinx person should accidentally wander in - they would feel so welcome, because we're so aware they exist!

Posted by Sipech (# 16870) on :

We demonstrate our love for you by convincing you that we're right.

Posted by Og, King of Bashan (# 9562) on :

The Pastor's own personal struggles against various sexual "sins" are fair game for sermon material.

(I don't often visit non-denominational evangelical churches, but when I do, I'm always shocked by what the pastor will casually share in a sermon.)

Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :

"Come for the wine . . . stay for the wine!"

Posted by Enoch (# 14322) on :

- It doesn't matter if we (or you) believe, but everything, the music, and the liturgy is in the best of taste, and of course we only use the AV and are strictly 1662. None of that modern English here. As a special treat, the vicar has been known to read us a sermon by John Donne or Lancelot Andrewes.

- We mainly define ourselves by what we disapprove of, no enthusiasm, no displays of emotion, no Popery, not even any crossing yourself. If you like any of those sort of things, there are plenty of other places you can go to. And children are definitely seen and not heard - mind, I can't actually remember when we last saw one here.

Posted by Gamaliel (# 812) on :

Where is that first place, Enoch? Can I join?

Posted by Enoch (# 14322) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Gamaliel:
Where is that first place, Enoch? Can I join?

Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :

ALL ARE WELCOME!*

*But if you're a person of color, you'd better act white.
*But if you're LGBT, you're going to have to change your "lifestyle."
*But if you're politically liberal, you're going to have to keep quiet.
*But if you're shy, you're going to have to ask the Holy Spirit to make you on fire for Jesus!
*But if you're depressive, you need to stop listening to the devil's lies.
*But if you don't like "contemporary" music, you'll need ear plugs for worship.
*But if your kids are in public school, you're gonna want to home-school them.
*But...but...but...

Posted by Gamaliel (# 812) on :

- We use modern music in our services. It sounds like Coldplay or U2. That's how up to the minute we are.

- Our pastor is the north side of 45 but keeps saying, 'So, there I was ...' and, 'I was like ...' and 'She was like
...'That's how 'now' we are.

- We are really just really just, we want to really just welcome you to our church. We really just want you to know that. We really just mean that, we really just do.

- We are not one of those hell-fire and damnation outfits. We preach the love of Christ. Unless you are [insert subgroup or minority group of choice ...]

- Reformed? Yes, we are, but we draw on a wider frame of reference. Why, only last year we mentioned J C Ryle as well as Spurgeon ...

- You won't hear us using 'thees' and 'thous' and that AV language, nor using religious jargon of any kind. We are simply vision-casting our mission to the particular people-group the Lord has called us to minister unto in his holy name so that the unreached shall be saved, the prodigals restored and new birth shall spring-up under the anointing so that people will actually understand, really, really understand, just what it is to use our particular catch-phrases in the name of Jee-zus.

Posted by Moo (# 107) on :

quote:
Originally posted by georgiaboy:
The curate at my former parish had a sign on his office door which read 'Jesus loves everybody, but I'm his favorite!'

Alexandra, who was a shippie back in the neoworks days, used to write parodies. Here is her version of 'Jesus loves me'.

quote:
Jesus loves me,
I'm so glad
Never tells me I've been bad
He's my mascot, he's my pet
Everything I want I get
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes Jesus loves me
He loves me more than you.

Moo

Posted by Gill H (# 68) on :

I miss Alexandra! If anyone is still in touch, say hello to her.

Posted by Ian Climacus (# 944) on :

We were formed by immigrants 60 years ago.

We still speak the tongue of the old land. No problem: we have translations. Or you can learn the language if you fancy. Sermons in English.

Our sermons will consist of constant reminders, to the rebels scattered in the congregation who have concerns for their children, that English is insufficient to convey the majesty of God's Liturgy (but sermons are fine supposedly). Only true understanders of our Ancient Tongue can have any hope of right worship.

[I was fine with #2; #3 tipped me over the edge.]

Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :

We are your local parish church! Please come and join us! Or we will close, and then where will you be?

Well, probably in bed as you currently are.

Anyhow we need you to come and validate us, but don't ask us to change or we will have to drive you out.

Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :

In our Church we are all so happy ...

Happy to see you here ...

Happy Clappy ...

Sing happy worship songs, few hymns ...

We love you tube and use it at least three times in a service...

Our sermons are happy and encourage you to work hard for Jesus ...

We are even Happy at funerals!

Posted by betjemaniac (# 17618) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Gamaliel:
Where is that first place, Enoch? Can I join?

I could recommend one or two in the diocese of Oxford....

Posted by Gamaliel (# 812) on :

Except I don't live near Oxford ...

Ok, some more ...

- Welcome to our healing and miracle service! The blind will see, the deaf hear, the lame walk! If not, it's their own fault.

- God is doing a New Thing! Come and see how God is doing a New Thing among us. It's New and it's a Thing. A New Thing. It replaces the New Thing that was new 14 months ago and will itself be replaced in turn by the New Thing that is about to happen in 4 months time ... then there will be a New New Thing that God is doing among us (which makes it the newest New Thing we've had going on so far).

We're not one of those churches which asks you to leave your brain at the door when you come in, we ask you to leave your memory behind as well.

Posted by LutheranChik (# 9826) on :

" We are a family church! We LOVE families! Unless your family is not composed of one dominant male married to one subservient female, with at least two children...in which case we'd rather you not set foot in here."

Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :

Sadly, around where I live, there are plenty of these:

--"Please help us save our windows! Help us save our building!" ... [crickets] ... [several years go by] ... "Hey, what a shame that church is abandoned! Why would anyone let it come to that? It must've been beautiful back in the day. What a waste!"

Posted by Piglet (# 11803) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Enoch:
- ... we only use the AV and are strictly 1662. None of that modern English here ...

I'll be right over. Does your choir need any altos? [Biased]

Posted by balaam (# 4543) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Gamaliel:
- Welcome to our healing and miracle service! The blind will see, the deaf hear, the lame walk! If not, it's their own fault.

Ouch, been there. The joys of being a charismatic cripple.

- The principles of this church are John 3:16 - “For God so loved the world,[a] that he gave his only Son, that straight people who believe in him should not perish but have eternal life."

- Free spiritual blessing if you attend this service

Posted by balaam (# 4543) on :

- First Church of the Victim Blamers.

Posted by sabine (# 3861) on :

1) We donate money to social services, but if a homeless person comes in during the service, well...that's just awkward.

2) If you're new, you will have to stand alone with your coffee during fellowship for a solid month before we can assume you're serious about being here.

3) Haven't graduated from high school yet? Great! We need you for the next video presentation during worship.

4) Large family? No worries. We need new Sunday School teachers. We assume you've already figured out how to juggle everything.

sabine

Posted by Enoch (# 14322) on :

We are a family church in the truest sense of the word. We are all related to one another. We have two pastors. The assistant one is married to the senior one's daughter. And if anyone who isn't already related to us starts coming, we'll steer towards them one of our unmarried brothers, sisters, nephews, nieces or cousins, as the case may be - provided of course that if you are a sister, you wear the right sort of hat and don't wear make-up or trousers on Sundays.

Posted by Gamaliel (# 812) on :

- We understand that people these days are unfamiliar with church-speak or Christian jargon.

So when they come we simply tell them of their need to be born again, to be washed in the blood of the Lamb, that Fountain filled with Blood, drawn from Emmanuel's veins, in which sinners plunged beneath that Flood lose all their guilty stains ... to have their sins forgiven on account of his name, to make the good confession in front of many witnesses, to invite the Lord-ah Jeez-us-ah into-ah their-ah hearts-ah and to seek entire sanctification and that holiness without which it is impossible to see the Lord ...

- We don't complicate things. We simply ask them to prayer a 'prayer of commitment' following a 30-second Gospel presentation. Then wonder why they don't turn up the following Sunday.

Posted by Gamaliel (# 812) on :

- Welcome to our All-Age Service. It is suitable for anyone aged four-and-a-half or younger.

Posted by Bishops Finger (# 5430) on :

(Just popping in to say how funny, inventive, and true these suggestions are! Thank you, one and all.)

IJ

Posted by Sipech (# 16870) on :

I wonder if any could be described thus: Popped in after reading about it on Ship of Fools

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :

Gamaliel, I think I discern a root of bitterness, brother. If we could just get a few folk from the ministry team over here...

Posted by Enoch (# 14322) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Eutychus:
Gamaliel, I think I discern a root of bitterness, brother. If we could just get a few folk from the ministry team over here...

That gets a [Overused]

Posted by Gamaliel (# 812) on :

Ha ha ha ...

Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :

"We are open to all things of the spirit here. We have seen new movements of God working in our time. We want to see what God is bringing anew to us."

"Oh, you support alternative sexuality and gender fludity? Well, those works of the devil are not acceptable her. You need to get some counselling."

Posted by roybart (# 17357) on :

We are the Church that is Never at a Loss of Words.

We chatter with our friends before our service. We recite prayers, etc., from a written script. We read snippets of Scripture aloud. We pray aloud from a the same written script.

We sing ALL verses of hymns carefully chosen from one of the creatively fallow periods of Protestant hymnody. Our rector preaches aloud ... and with a MICOPHONE!. The congregation (aka "the people") recites a long list of theological propositions" that "we" believe, even if we do not always believe or even understand them. We wish as many people as possible"the Peace of the Lord", journeying up and down the aisles to catch up on news from those we were unable to talk to before the opening processional. The rector calls out three times to get our attention and back to our pews so that he read the announcements.

No "moment of silence" lasts more than 20 seconds.

Returning from receiving the eucharist, we wave at the friends we pass (sign language!). After being dismissed we rush to COFFEE hour in the parish hall where we can chat as long and loudly as we please, praiseGod.

Posted by Sipech (# 16870) on :

Please don't point out that our name makes us sound like a fold-up tricycle.

Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
"We are open to all things of the spirit here. We have seen new movements of God working in our time. We want to see what God is bringing anew to us."

"Oh, you support alternative sexuality and gender fludity? Well, those works of the devil are not acceptable her. You need to get some counselling."

"...because the Bible says it's wrong, and we've never known any of this to happen before, so case closed.

"Now, back to the Spirit's new movements..."

Posted by Rossweisse (# 2349) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Sipech:
I wonder if any could be described thus: Popped in after reading about it on Ship of Fools

My friends ad I visited St. Alfege (which I want to call "St. Solfege") in Greenwich, England, after I checked out the choir in MW.

Posted by LutheranChik (# 9826) on :

"We have a vague, non- religious name -- The River, The Powerhouse, The Gathering -- so as not to put off those leery of organized religion.

" Likewise, our website reads like a cross between a business prospectus and a resort brochure -- lots of corporatespeak, lots of stock photography, lots of shiny, happy people.

" It will take you about 20 minutes to burrow your way to the sub-sub page where we explain the actual theology being taught in our church.

" Surprise! We're de facto Southern Baptists. Inerrant Bible, no women in authority, no gayz, no libruls. But we do have a band and a coffeehouse."

"

Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :

(Out of the depths of my past experiences...)

-----

"We don't do liturgy. We let the Holy Spirit lead the service. We're not into all that tradition, like some dead church where you just go through all the motions.

"We love visitors! When you come to church, you'll be welcomed by someone at the door who can answer your questions and show you where to pick up your visitor's name tag. An usher will show you into the sanctuary, where you can sit wherever you please. There's no bulletin, because we like to give the Spirit free rein, and not dictate what happens next.

"So the service begins at 11:00. First, the pastor will walk up to the pulpit and welcome everyone, then the praise band will launch into a song service - the words are up on the screen for you to sing along. Then there will be a sermon, followed by an altar call and time of prayer. Then we'll sing more songs, during which an offering will be taken. Then the announcements, and finally, everyone goes to the Fellowship Hall for some refreshments and, well, fellowship. It all lasts about an hour. Well, more like 55 minutes.

"Just so you know what to expect."

-----

"We have Communion on the first Sunday of every month. We don't like to do it too often, for some reason we can't quite explain. We also can't quite explain the point of it... It's how we remember Jesus' death. You know, apart from the big cross in the front of the church, the sermons, and most of the songs we sing. But that grape juice just looks like blood, so you really remember when you hold that little cup before drinking it, when you're put in mind of Welch's grape jelly."

Posted by SvitlanaV2 (# 16967) on :

There are, of course, churches where everyone gets a pew to themselves. You get to safeguard your personal space.

There are also churches where and no one is interested in anyone else's sex life. Sometimes this means they're not interested in each others' lives generally. This can be very useful.

The lesser spotted 'type of church' is one that's packed to the rafters, but everyone minds their own business.

Posted by Sipech (# 16870) on :

quote:
Originally posted by SvitlanaV2:
There are, of course, churches where everyone gets a pew to themselves. You get to safeguard your personal space.

That seems to be just about every church I ever go to. I wonder if it's something about an unmarried chap in his mid 30s that is just alien to people's expectations about the kind of people who go to church that other people want to keep their distance in case they catch something.

Not that I'm complaining about being left in peace. Gives me space to make observations. [Snigger]

Posted by LutheranChik (# 9826) on :

On that same note:

"Who are you, and what are you doing in our church?"

Posted by no prophet's flag is set so... (# 15560) on :

Peace be with you, and also with you and you and you and you and you etc. (make sure to shake hands with absolutely everyone in the congregation, some of them twice, and ensure you ask them all about their garden, grandchildren, hemorrhoids, the church light bulb committee, the weather, isn't it lovely to see a Young Person in church today continuing to catch up with other. Oh damn there's the offertory hymn, how bloody annoying to interrupt us!)

Posted by Gramps49 (# 16378) on :

We question authority.

Posted by balaam (# 4543) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Gramps49:
We question authority.

Authority questions you.

(That's you plural, aimed at the church, not aimed at Gramps)

Posted by sabine (# 3861) on :

Or, as John Mellencamp says (and the youth service, of course).....

I fight authority; authority always wins

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wsEwK69LXjQ

sabine

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