Smellypoop.com -- Facts on Poop

With special attention to the section:

What happens when I'm at work and have to poop?

[edited to fix URL]

Where do you want us to send the Prize?

Quote: "We still have a cracked pink loo sitting in the back yard. I thought I might plant strawberries in it or something..."

You could use those strawberries in a lovely holiday triffle, but perhaps not disclose their origin to your guests.

Greta

Naturally, the boys had "to go," so they approached the large public restroom on the beach.

I was appalled that my sister was going to even let them enter the men's side (littered with condoms), so we checked that the women's side was empty and made the boys go in there. One called out, "Mom, there's poop on the seat!"

My immediate Agony Aunt instinct (which I gave vent to), was to scream "Don't touch anything!" Everyone but me burst into loud laughter!

quote:

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Originally posted by Nunc_Dimittis:
???? of what, Sieg?

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quote:

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Originally posted by Erin:
I cannot believe that out of the ten billion threads on this bulletin board, this is the most interesting. That is just PATHETIC.

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You ought to know by now where most shipmates' minds are.

1. Nobody else in bathroom.
2. Nobody in bathroom when you enter, once you are already in your cubical someone else comes into the next door cubical. You leave before they do.
3. Someone is in the cubical when you arrive. You enter other cubical and they complete their business before you have to leave.
4. You come into the bathroom and into a cubical whilst someone is using the washbasin mirror area for various hygiene / vanity reasons.
5. You enter bathroom simultaneously to someone else, and both go into a cubical. This is disastrous. Neither of you is able to pee.

Contributing negative factors can include: eye contact with other person, the other person being a student to whom you have recently given a low mark (or your head of department), urgency with which you need to go, queue of people waiting to use facilities after you.
Mitigating factors can include: other people chatting in the room.
Distracting tactics are limited, but may include rustling of toilet paper, or, if you are feeling brave, stating up of a casual conversation with the other waiting would be pee-er (if you know them – risky but can be a successful tactic). If all else fails, and the other person refuses to leave before you, then the only option is to admit defeat gracefully and try to carry off a “I only needed a sit down and a break from the office” look.

Any helpful advice or recommendations gratefully received.

Try dropping a couple of sheets of loo roll down beforehand to drown the noise.

Or....put your fingers in your ears, then you can't hear yourself, (yes, I have done this...poor sad creature that I am)

my own top tip for life in general has proved a lifesaver in many situations when the toilets just don't smell that good. just take a few sheets of toilet paper (or a whole roll if you're travelling in asia and are happily equipted) and cover over your nose and mouth. breathe through them . better than a air freshner!

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Originally posted by Carmel:
How anyone can bring themselves to eat in there is a complete mystery to me. Or why.

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Before the days of "Parents and Babies" room, breastfeeding mothers were expected to feed their babies in toilets! Thankfully such days have gone.

It's a little gross, but when someone forwarded it to me, I laughed out loud at some of it, because it's so true -- how you can't poop if someone's already in another stall, and how you search for under-used bathrooms, etcetera.

Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work.

Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car & speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN): This is a group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. ... Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert all potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

Greta

[corrected spelling]

Toilet cisterns in UK contain a complicated siphonage arrangemnt. A brisk press on the handle causes a piston to force water into the siphon, whereupon natural law causes the tank to empty where it will do most good!

On a trip to USA, I was kept awake in my hotel room by the sound of trickling water. Investigations showed that this was coming from the toilet. Another flush didn't cure the problem, so I looked inside the cistern. There was nothing there - just a tank full of water and a little rubber flap connected to the handle! The problem was that the flap was slightly twisted and was not sitting flat. A swift prod with a coathanger liberated from the wardrobe fixed it.

I have had the same problem in other hotel rooms on other trips across the herring pond, and have always found the same thing. I have not liked to investigate domestic USA plumbing on the rare occasions when I have been in a house!

So - is the 'flap' technology universal in the USA and Canada; or indeed in other parts of the world. If so - why? The UK siphon is far more complicated (and, no doubt, expensive!) but it cannot waste water - once the tank is empty, it takes another push on the handle to restart the action. Conversely, a faulty flap could waste water for hours/days.

If you jiggle the handle on the toilet it will usually stop running.

On the other hand, the UK method sounds absolutely terrifying. I had occasion recently to experience a British flushing device first hand (as it were) when I flew to Italy on British Airways.

During the night, I had occasion to make use of the, er, facilities, and after I was done, I pushed the little button and nothing happened.

Well, I pushed the button again. Still nothing. So I stood up, pulled myself together, and washed up, then closed the lid of the toilet, figuring I would tell the flight attendant that their loo was busted.

Then, the moment the lid dropped, there was this explosive popping noise and the air pressure in the toilet dropped. I actually felt my skin puffing out.

It was unnerving. Evidently, when the lid is closed, instead of blue water gently flushing the waste away, the pipe opens to the outside and the air-pressure difference between 45,000 feet and the plane cabin blasts the poop to oblivion. I know this for a fact because I experimented several times, only stopping because I was afraid the toilet was going to suck all the air out of the plane and people would complain.

We were flying over Iceland at the time. I pity the poor souls in Rekyavik. I hope they take precautions.

If the water siphons in the UK behave any way similar to their BA cousins, I will earnestly avoid British toilets in the future.

you and me after dark,
goosing statues in the park.
if shermans horse can take it, so can you.

quote:

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Originally posted by nicolemrw:

passengers please refrain
from flushing toilets while the train
is in the station.
i love you.

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Originally posted by nicolemrw:
passengers please refrain
from flushing toilets while the train
is in the station.
i love you.

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This is sung to the tune of "Humoresque". The first line goes,

Passengers will please refrain...

There are more words, but I will spare you.

And yes - I do realise that the water is clean! It's just that at 02:00 am (the time when the sound seems to wake me) I have no desire to awaken even further by plunging my arm up to the elbow in cold water!!