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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Hell: Crappy Choruses and Horrible Hymns
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Tina
Shipmate
# 63
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Posted
We used to sing that too, but it quickly became 'I have bought me a wife, I have married a cow'. Apart from anything else, it seemed to scan better like that. It was also much improved by being accompanied on the ukelele in a George Formby stylee. On the subject of double entendres, does anyone else sing that song to the tune of 'John Brown's body' that has the line 'He has raised our fallen manhood and enthroned it in the heights'? I'm always amazed that anyone sings it without smirking - maybe my heart needs purifying? 
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Kindness is mandatory. Anger is necessary. Despair is a terrible idea. Despair is how they win. They won't win forever.
Posts: 503 | From: South London | Registered: May 2001
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Phil R.
Shipmate
# 128
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Posted
<forgot to paste> Oh, one of these days around twelve o'clock
The whole wide world will reel and rock
The sinner will tremble and cry for pain
And the Lord will come in his aeroplane Oh, you thirsty of every tribe
Get your ticket for an aeroplane ride
Jesus our Saviour is coming to reign
And take you to glory in his aeroplane Oh, talk of rides in automobiles
Talk of fast times in motor wheels
We'll break all records as we upwards fly
For an aeroplane joy ride in the sky You must get ready if you take this ride
Leave all your sins and humble your pride
Furnish a lamp both bright and clean
And a vessel of oil to run the machine When our journey's over and we all sit down
At the marriage supper with a robe and crown
We'll blend our voices with a heavenly throng
And praise our Saviour as the years roll on
Posts: 216 | From: Sussex, England | Registered: May 2001
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LouiseF
Shipmate
# 361
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Posted
Oh this has made me giggle so much....My personal hitlist consists of just one at the moment! A modern-ish one... Brian Doerksen. When I first sang this at a youth event - my youth group refused to join in. It is daft.
Complete BLEUGH making theology. "More than oxygen, I need your love;
More than life-giving food
The hungry dream of.
More than an eloquent word
Depends on the tongue
More than a passionate song
Needs to be sung. More than a word could ever say
More than a song could ever convey
I need you more than all of these things
Father, I need yo more. More than magnet and steel
are drawn to unite
more than poets love words
to rhyme as they write
more than comforting warmth
of sun in spring
more than the eagle loves wind
under its wings More htan a blazing fire
on a winter's night
more than tall ever greens
reach for the light
more than the pounding waves
long for the shore
more than these gifts you give
I love you more. The author should try living without oxygen, adn perhaps that would cause some inspirations and hallucinations to provide better hymnody! Absolute rubbish!
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"History will not be so kind to our generation of Christians if we allow the false consciousness of mainstream living to go unchallenged." (Ann Morisy)
Posts: 94 | From: West Midlands | Registered: Jun 2001
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Siegfried
Ship's ferret
# 29
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Qlib:
Chorus : So let the sun shine in/ face it with a grin/smile is never lose/and frown is never win/ so let the sunshine in/face it with a grin/ open up your heart and let the su-uuun shii-ine ii-ii-ii-in!
I LOVE this song!!! In fact, I've got two different recordings of it from *cough* Napster *cough*... one credited to Pebbles & BamBam (from the Flintstones--there was an episode Fred dreamed the kids became rock stars). Now, that sunbeam song mentioned earlier, ugh! Ranks down there with: Jesus loves the little chil-dren
All the children of the world
Red and yellow black and white
they are precious in His sight
Jesus loves the little children of the world. The only redeeming quality it has is that it is easily parodied: Cthulhu loves the little chil-dren
all the children he can catch
Broiled blackened poached or mashed
they are tastiest when deep fried
Cthulhu loves the little children of the world. Sieg
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Siegfried
Life is just a bowl of cherries!
Posts: 5592 | From: Tallahassee, FL USA | Registered: May 2001
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Nicolemr
Shipmate
# 28
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Posted
sieg, that is truly awful. heaven being somewhere in outer space???? oh dear.
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On pilgrimage in the endless realms of Cyberia, currently traveling by ship. Now with live journal!
Posts: 11803 | From: New York City "The City Carries On" | Registered: May 2001
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fadethecat
Apprentice
# 446
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Posted
Being slow on the uptake, I have only just realized that this supposedly horrid song "Lord of the Dance" that everyone's been talking about is not the Steven Curtis Chapman version of which I was always rather fond.
Posts: 22 | Registered: Jun 2001
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jlg
What is this place?
Why am I here?
# 98
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Posted
Oh my, I can't even begin to match the squalid lyrics already posted.
But if I may introduce a slight aside, what about mis-use of hymns. After ten years of singing funerals, I'm still trying to figure out why "How Great Thou Art" is a standard funeral hymn, especially in American Catholic churches where you rarely sing more than a couple of verses, so you don't even get to the "Jesus died for my sins" verse. I always feel so stupid warbling about "the rolling thunder" and birds singing sweetly and gurgling streams and whatnot as part of a funeral mass.
Posts: 17391 | From: Just a Town, New Hampshire, USA | Registered: May 2001
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Robert Armin
All licens'd fool
# 182
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Posted
What about actions? On a kids' camp I help with we sing:
"The name of the Lord is a strong tower
I will run in to it and be saved"
then everyone lifts their hands in the air, shakes them from side to side, and shouts, "Wooooo!" (don't know why). Makes me feel like I'm in a scene from Benny Hill.....
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Keeping fit was an obsession with Fr Moity .... He did chin ups in the vestry, calisthenics in the pulpit, and had developed a series of Tai-Chi exercises to correspond with ritual movements of the Mass. The Antipope Robert Rankin
Posts: 8927 | From: In the pack | Registered: May 2001
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Moo
Ship's tough old bird
# 107
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Posted
There was a hymn tune in the 1940 hymnal which was, I think, the worst ever. The accompanist's part was even worse than what was sung.The words began, "For thee, O dear, dear country, Mine eyes their vigil keep." There is a chord in there which musicians can't believe the first time they play it. They hit the chord, then say, "No, that can't be right." They carefully check each note in the music and make sure that each finger is in the right place. Then they play the chord again, and say in an incredulous tone, "That is right." This atrocity was perpetrated by T. Tertius Noble, who gave us many such fine effusions.
I think this was his best effort, though. Moo
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Kerygmania host
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See you later, alligator.
Posts: 20365 | From: Alleghany Mountains of Virginia | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
Church musicians hate "Jesus Is Coming Again," the music for which sounds more appropriate for a skating rink.
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Phil R.
Shipmate
# 128
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Posted
I thought I couldn't surpase Jesus and his Beoing, but I have done.My Much beloved Mother-inLaw has an old, old, hymnbook with lyrics along the lines of: Little brown children, over the ocean, wait for us to tell them of love...
Do not worry, little brown children, nice, anglo-saxon protestant middle classed professionals are coming to put you right. Can't remember the exact lyrics, will check next time I visit (But the "Do not worry little brown children" is a quote...)
Posts: 216 | From: Sussex, England | Registered: May 2001
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Pikachu
Shipmate
# 170
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Posted
Okay, I like "The First Noel", but it is simply Biblically incorrect!!!
The first verse talks about the shepherds, right? OK. The second verse says, "They looked (oh wait, that's 'look---ed') up and saw a star..." WRONG!
It was the wise men who saw the star, not the shepherds.
Merry Christmas in June, y'all. 
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I know Jesus has a sense of humor, He made my cockatoo.
Posts: 53 | From: Cleveland, Ohio USA | Registered: May 2001
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gbuchanan
Shipmate
# 415
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Posted
I've just come back from New Zealand, and a lot of their "contemporary worship" songs are from Australia. I have to say they make the worst sort of UK praise songs look brilliant - bar. One; the Jesus chorus, which goes (and I kid you not):
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus,
Jesus, Jesus,
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus,
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus....oh dear. Going back to Graham Kendrick, a few friends and I wrote new lyrics to a GK song (which I can remember every note of, but not a jot of the lyrics) which went: Anyone can write a Graham Kendrick song,
Anyone can write a Graham Kendrick song,
You just make the words up as you go along,
Anyone can write a Graham Kendrick song. Graham leaves out all the crucial beats,
Graham leaves out all the crucial beats,
Just to give you time to clap and stamp your feet,
Graham leaves out all the crucial beats. Take a verse from psalms or a minor prophet,
Take a verse from psalms or a minor prophet,
Even if noone knows quite which bit,
Take a verse from psalms or a minor prophet, etc.; these are a few sample verses - but you get the idea. This was once played at a large Christian festival with a somewhat bemused pianist accompanying - a certain Mr. Kendrick. Oh dear, how embarrassing (for the ex-Yorkites if not for Graham).
Posts: 683 | From: London, UK | Registered: Jun 2001
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Robert Armin
All licens'd fool
# 182
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Posted
You can also do it with "Seek Ye First" (of which I am still very fond). Back when I was teenager I found that Revaltion 3.16 works very nicely:
Because you are not not cold
Bu-u-ut lukewarm
I will spew you out of my mouth
Allelu, Alleluia
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Keeping fit was an obsession with Fr Moity .... He did chin ups in the vestry, calisthenics in the pulpit, and had developed a series of Tai-Chi exercises to correspond with ritual movements of the Mass. The Antipope Robert Rankin
Posts: 8927 | From: In the pack | Registered: May 2001
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DavidG
Shipmate
# 121
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Posted
To really get the full effect of this fantastic verse from the old Methodist Hymn Book, just try to picture the scene before your eyes - the more vivid your imagination, the more sick you'll feel.By the light of burning martyrs,
Christ, Thy bleeding feet we track
Toiling up new Calvaries ever
With the Cross that turns not back. Wonderful stuff, I'm sure you'll agree - why it didn't make it into the new book, I can't imagine. Back to everyone's favourite 'Bind us together', I know one youth group that had to be banned from singing it - they were rather too keen on the idea of bondage in church. And why was "I vow to thee my country ever regarded as a hymn? Cheers DavidG
Posts: 88 | From: Warwickshire , UK | Registered: May 2001
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DMcV
Shipmate
# 545
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Posted
Turn, turn, turn or burn!Turn, turn, turn or burn! Turn, turn, turn or burn! Thus Saith the Lord.
Actually a spoof a few of us made up during an idle moment at an SU Camp years ago, but there are still places it would go down a storm, I'm sure.
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You can have whatever you want/But are you disciplined enough to be free?
Posts: 169 | From: Above and to the right of Glasgow | Registered: Jun 2001
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tomb
Shipmate
# 174
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Posted
Okay okay okay! I can't stand it any more.I'll confess my sin!!! Some years ago, I was in band that had the honor of playing in a church for Bluegrass Sunday (I play String Bass in addition to keyboards). Don't ask. We had chosen a "relatively" tasteful program of early-American music, but we ran out of songs at Communion, so the mandolin player (I swear I'm not making this up), launched into a touching rendition of "The Tennessee Waltz." For those of you of a European persuasion, here are the lyrics to the song, which, thank God, we didn't sing, but which many people knew:
I was waltzin'
with my darlin'
to the Tennessee Waltz
when an old friend I happened to meet.
I introduced him
to my sweetheart
and while they were dancin'
my friend stole my true love from me. CHORUS:
I remember the night, and the Tennessee Waltz
and the old friend I happened to meet:
I introduced him to my sweetheart
And while they were dancin'
my friend stole my true love from me. To this day, I wake up in the middle of the night in a sweat remembering that day. It is a testimony to Jesus' grace and protection that he kept God from striking us dead. Even now, people still remind me of the incident. It's enough to make you turn Buddhist. tomb
Posts: 5039 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: May 2001
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