Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Hell: Crappy Choruses and Horrible Hymns
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Justin
Shipmate
# 693
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Posted
quote: Originally posted by nicolemrw: the lyrics to drop kick me jesus etc can be found here if i did the link right.
Hey, guys. How dare you insult one of the best songs of all time. I have even written a specifically British version of it, for those of us who are here on the other side of the pond. To save you following the link - here are the original words- DROPKICK ME JESUS (Paul Craft)
REFRAIN Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goal-posts of life End over end, neither left nor to right Straight through the heart of them righteous up-rights Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goal-posts of life. Make me, Oh make me, Lord, more than I am Make me a piece in Your master game plan Free from the earthly tempestion below I've got the will, Lord, if You got the toe.
REFRAIN Bring on the brothers, who've gone on before And all of the sisters, who've knocked on your door All the departed, dear, loved ones of mine Stick 'em up front in the offensive line. REFRAIN A lowley bench warmer I'm contented to be Until the time when you have need of me The flash on the big score board signs from on high The big Super Bowl way up in the sky REFRAIN (2x) TAG: Yea! [Start refrain and fade.....] And as I thought we Brits should not be outdone, I have written a more genteel version dedicated to a more civilised game: REFRAIN Hit me for six Lord in the Test Match of life Right over mid-wicket and right out of sight Way o'er yonder boundary `til fading light Hit me for six Lord in the Test Match of life
Make me, Oh make me, Lord, more than I am Make me a piece in Your master game plan I'll show those heathen just where it's at `cos I`ve got the balls Lord if you've got the bat
REFRAIN Through the evil one's Tests in your team I'll stay 'til you reign on earth (or rain stops play) I'm looking forward to what heaven affords `cos the King of Glory's also Lord of Lords.
Etc. etc.
Apologies for the really terrible final pun. Anybody got any additional verses they might like to add? Or perhaps a version based on darts, or mud-wrestling, or...
-------------------- I'm an experimentalist. Please speak slowly.
Posts: 91 | From: Bucks, UK | Registered: Jul 2001
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Justin
Shipmate
# 693
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Posted
quote: Originally posted by nicolemrw: speaking of spoofs, theres the famous:i can go as fast as i please as long as i have my plastic jesus sittin' up there on the dashboard of my car. i can go a hundred miles an hour long as i have the almighty power sittin' up there with my pair of fuzzy dice
I don't think this is a spoof - I have heard this sung in New Mexico - but the words I heard (and sing) were I don't care if it rains or freezes, cos I've got my plastic Jesus sitting on the dashboard of my car
I don't care if it's dark and scarey cos I've got my plastic Mary sitting on the dashboard of my car
Again, I love this song so much, that I could not help from making up a few more (I sing these on the way to work to keep my spirits up) Not sure whether to worship God or Mammon, Don't worry just keep a plastic Pat Buchanan Sitting on the dashboard of your car
I'll shout Praise the Lord when I meet my maker cos I always keep my plastic Tammy Bakker Legs akimbo on the dashboard of my car He might believe in a load of twaddle But I still keep my plastic Glen Hoddle Managing the dashboard of my car I sing his songs, and am then sick but I still keep my plastic Graham Kendrick Shining on the dashboard of my car She looks like heaven but could lead to Hell cos my life-size plastic blow-up Baptist-Belle Obscures the view from the dashboard of my car
More verses please all you hearties.
-------------------- I'm an experimentalist. Please speak slowly.
Posts: 91 | From: Bucks, UK | Registered: Jul 2001
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tomb
Shipmate
# 174
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Posted
Debye Waller wrote: quote: And as I thought we Brits should not be outdone, I have written a more genteel version dedicated to a more civilised game:REFRAIN Hit me for six Lord in the Test Match of life
My dearest Debye, With this one noble effort, you have managed to expunge what remaining anglophilia lurk in the depths of my soul. I have been known to play bluegrass (I play string bass). I would dearly love to perform your noble offering, except nobody where I live would know what the hell we were singing about. Ah, the ephemerality of puns and parody. tomb
Posts: 5039 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: May 2001
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tomb
Shipmate
# 174
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Posted
quote: Originally posted by David: I came across a delightful quote from C.S Lewis the other day.quote: Hymns are fifth-rate words set to sixth-rate music Says it all, really.
David, where, exactly, did you find this passage that you are quoting? Book, chapter, and, if possible, edition and page number, please. I think you are making this up. If you can't defend yourself, then it shall be broadswords at dawn (I shall have to borrow Wood's ginzu knife that he dribbles nastiness on, but nevermind). If all this is true, then I am devastated. My hero has a tin ear. (That doesn't make his sentiment any less full of kaka, but if this is true, then all that advice he gave that divorced woman in Connecticut is probably wrong, too. I am (potentially) devastated. Send in your proof, you Eucalyptus gnasher, you. tomb
Posts: 5039 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: May 2001
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David
Complete Bastard
# 3
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Posted
quote: Book, chapter, and, if possible, edition and page number, please.
Ok then. It's from "Answers to Questions on Christianity", first published as a pamphlet by the Electrical and Musical Industries Christian Fellowship (Hayes, Middlesex, 1944), and subsequently in Undeceptions(1971) and Timeless at Heart (1991). I am reading from "Essay Collection & Other Short Pieces", HarperCollinsPublishers, 2000. Page 328, if you want true precision. Actually, it was a bit of a paraphrase: here's the relevant chunk of text in answer to the question "Is attendance at a place of worship or membership with a Christian community necessary to a Christian way of life?" quote: ...If there is anything in the teaching of the New Testament which is in the nature of a command, it is that you are obliged to take the Sacrament, and you can't do that without going to church. I disliked very much their hymns, which I considered to be fifth-rate poems set to sixth-rate music. [snip] ...I realised that the hymns (which were just sixth-rate music) were, nevertheless, being sung with devotion and benefit by an old saint in elastic-sided boots in the opposite pew, and then you realise that you aren't fit to clean those boots
Your apology is accepted.
[typos] [ 10 July 2001: Message edited by: David ]
Posts: 3815 | From: Redneck Wonderland | Registered: Mar 2001
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caty
Shipmate
# 85
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Posted
Anyone else know the Wendy Cope poem, forget what it's called, with the wonderful lines:When I went out shopping I said a little prayer Jesus, help me find a space For you are everywhere. Jesus found me a parking space In a very convienient place Sound the horn and praise Him! (Scary thing is, she's taking the rip, but it sounds all too authentic...!)
caty
Posts: 115 | From: yorkshire | Registered: May 2001
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Oriel
Shipmate
# 748
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Posted
How about this for a spoof? I can`t remember where I got it from, but the song (Be bold, be strong) is one we used to sing in church and CU for many of my childhood and teenage years.Buy Bold It`s strong And it washes whiter than Persil Buy Bold It`s strong And it washes whiter than Persil Is your washing clean? (No! No! No!) Put it back in the machine Washes whiter than white at a price that`s right Buy Bold, buy Bold. As far as other songs already mentioned go, I remember singing the aeroplane song in the school choir. I never thought it was anything but a parody, with a possible nod to the Cargo Cults. Over The Mountains And The Sea several people have mentioned, but no-one has yet spoken of the worst bit of all: the bridge. Oh I feel like dancing It`s foolishness I know But when the world has seen the light They will dance for joy like we`re dancing now.. This is usually sung while the whole congregation is standing stock still, and whether any of them feel like dancing or not. Someone earlier mentioned that Jerusalem starts with four questions, the answr to each is "No". But that`s the point, isn`t it? He didn`t walk here, and Jerusalem wasn`t builded here. We have to build it ourselves (the point of the second verse). A couple of gripes of my own: I`m coming back to the heart of worship And it`s all about you, all about you Jesus I`m sorry Lord for the thing I`ve made it When it`s all about you, all about you Jesus If it`s all about Jesus, why are we singing about worship? (Actually, my feeling is that this is actually a very personal song written by a famous worship leader who realised he was on the wrong track, and to use it in congregational singing at all is to miss the point he was making.) My last gripe is also my absolute favourite hymn of all time ever. Be Thou My Vision. My gripe is this: The song is sung to a tune called Slane. The words I learnt scan nicely. The words that most people sing, don`t. In the church where I am, I have to make a snap decision as to which syllables to stretch, and then lead the rest of the congregation strongly, because everything would fall apart completely if I didn`t. And yet no-one seems to care, or even realise that something is wrong! Mind you, I think the worst sin of all as far as that tune is concerned is to try and make it "rocky" and upbeat, by changing it from 3/4 to 4/4! Aaaaaaaaaaaghh!
-------------------- Unlike the link previously in my sig, I actually update my Livejournal from time to time.
Posts: 796 | From: Scotland | Registered: Jul 2001
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ChastMastr
Shipmate
# 716
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Posted
My own personal wish-I-could-rip-them-out-of-the-hymnal-forever-and-ever-amens...Well, one I truly despise is a line in ... okay, let me clarify, I am an American citizen (but I think more like a British one, and frankly a quite archaic one). This is a hymn you won't have -- lucky!! I think this line is theologically just wrong. In one of our national hymns -- which is to the tune of God Save the Queen and was apparently borrowed from it, with changed lyrics -- we find this ghastly gem: Long may our land be bright With freedom's holy light Protect us by Thy might Great God our King. It's that "freedom's holy light" which gets me and I can't bear to sing that part. However wonderful our earthly freedoms are, they're not holy. Eyurgh.
-------------------- My essays on comics continuity: http://chastmastr.tumblr.com/tagged/continuity
Posts: 14068 | From: Clearwater, Florida | Registered: Jul 2001
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DMcV
Shipmate
# 545
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Posted
quote: Actually, my feeling is that this is actually a very personal song written by a famous worship leader who realised he was on the wrong track, and to use it in congregational singing at all is to miss the point he was making.
Indeed, Oriel, and a charitable interpretation of the 'I, I, I' orientation of so many modern worship songs might indeed be that they were written by intense singer/songwriters who don't know how to write for corporate worship. Not quite a song or hymn, but anyone share my hate for the 'Footprints' poem celebrated in so many forms in so many Christian bookshops. The chuffing woman who wrote it actually was at a special meeting in our church a while back to acclamation that suggested she was a poetic titan to match Rabbie Burns, TS Eliot or Sylvia Plath. COME ON!!!!!! Yes, God is always there and carries us through the hard times. But there are better ways to express that truth than through this soppy, trite, pompous taradiddle! Unless, of course, you think differently...
-------------------- You can have whatever you want/But are you disciplined enough to be free?
Posts: 169 | From: Above and to the right of Glasgow | Registered: Jun 2001
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Alaric the Goth
Shipmate
# 511
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Posted
I often eat my tea off a tray with the 'Footprints' poem on it that the wife's mother gave us, knowing we are Christians. I'll give you your meal on it when you next visit us, Karl, if you really like it so much! (Won't get any mead at this rate...)
-------------------- 'Angels and demons dancing in my head, Lunatics and monsters underneath my bed' ('Totem', Rush)
Posts: 3322 | From: West Thriding | Registered: Jun 2001
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Karl: Liberal Backslider
Shipmate
# 76
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Posted
Hopefully frequent use will wear the damned thing off the tray....
-------------------- Might as well ask the bloody cat.
Posts: 17938 | From: Chesterfield | Registered: May 2001
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Moo
Ship's tough old bird
# 107
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Posted
quote: Originally posted by Rhisiart: A rare chance to use this 'smilie' I think I liked 'Footprints' when I first saw it - when I was about eight. It now sets my teeth on edge just thinking about it: it appears everywhere and seems to meet the current need of a completely unchallenging approach to life. Some people love it, but I really can't stand the sight of it...
grrr
Calm down, get a coffee and breakfast...
Nope, not enough. Aaaagh! No arguments from me, DMcV.
A lot of the things that set my teeth on edge were not bad, or even very nice, the first time I met them.
The problem is that my environment has been saturated with them. The people who distribute stuff don't understand that anything which you have seen or heard a thousand times before will send you up a wall, even if you liked it the first time. This is one of my main gripes against modern culture. Moo
-------------------- Kerygmania host --------------------- See you later, alligator.
Posts: 20365 | From: Alleghany Mountains of Virginia | Registered: May 2001
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Oriel
Shipmate
# 748
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Posted
quote:
In my church we sing a slightly modified version which has the right number of syllables.
Yes. What makes it worse is that the version that scans is the version I *originally learnt*, so it grates all the more simply on grounds of the "not the right words" phenomenon. Scans: Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart Be all else but naught to me, save that Thou art Be Thou my best thought in the day and the night Both waking and sleeping, Thy presence my light Does Not Scan: Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art Thou my best thought, by day and by night Waking and sleeping, Thy presence my light Not to mention the fact that the unscanning version is full of verbless sentences (Thou my best thought, for example, and many others in subsequent verses, all of which are prefixed with "be" in the scanning version).
-------------------- Unlike the link previously in my sig, I actually update my Livejournal from time to time.
Posts: 796 | From: Scotland | Registered: Jul 2001
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ChastMastr
Shipmate
# 716
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Posted
quote: Originally posted by Qlib: At the great age of about 7 I really despised and hated this song : ...So let the sun shine in... * I believe it may have been American in origin.
Be very, very afraid.It was from The Flintstones. I remember it, too. Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm sang it once. Check the web -- I am sure a .wav file exists for this. And run. Run now.
-------------------- My essays on comics continuity: http://chastmastr.tumblr.com/tagged/continuity
Posts: 14068 | From: Clearwater, Florida | Registered: Jul 2001
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ChastMastr
Shipmate
# 716
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Posted
quote: Originally posted by DMcV: Turn, turn, turn or burn!Turn, turn, turn or burn! Turn, turn, turn or burn! Thus Saith the Lord. Actually a spoof a few of us made up during an idle moment at an SU Camp years ago, but there are still places it would go down a storm, I'm sure.
Mainly in America, I'm afraid.
-------------------- My essays on comics continuity: http://chastmastr.tumblr.com/tagged/continuity
Posts: 14068 | From: Clearwater, Florida | Registered: Jul 2001
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ChastMastr
Shipmate
# 716
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Posted
Aha! They have not posted it! And so...All things dull and ugly, all creatures short and squat All things rude and nasty, the Lord God made the lot Each little snake that poisons, each little wasp that stings He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings All things sick and cancerous, all evil great and small All things foul and dangerous, the Lord God made them all Each nasty little hornet, each beastly little squid Who made the spiky urchin? Who made the shark? He did! All things scabbed and ulcerous, all pox both great and small Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all
-------------------- My essays on comics continuity: http://chastmastr.tumblr.com/tagged/continuity
Posts: 14068 | From: Clearwater, Florida | Registered: Jul 2001
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ChastMastr
Shipmate
# 716
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Posted
Hands down one of my least favorite hymns of all time: Earth & All Stars #558 1.Earth and all stars! Loud rushing planets! Sing to the Lord a new song! Oh, victory! Loud shouting army! Sing to the Lord a new song! RefrainRefrain: He has done marvelous things. I too will praise him with a new song! 2.Hail, wind, and rain! Loud blowing snow storm! Sing to the Lord a new song! Flowers and trees! Loud rustling dry leaves! Sing to the Lord a new song! Refrain 3.Trumpet and pipes! Loud clashing cymbals! Sing to the Lord a new song! Harp, lute, and lyre! Loud humming cellos! Sing to the Lord a new song! Refrain 4.Engines and steel! Loud pounding hammers! Sing to the Lord a new song! Limestone and beams! Loud building workers! Sing to the Lord a new song! Refrain 5.Classrooms and labs! Loud boiling test tubes! Sing to the Lord a new song! Athlete and band! Loud cheering people! Sing to the Lord a new song! Refrain 6.Knowledge and truth! Loud sounding wisdom! Sing to the Lord a new song! Daughter and son! Loud praying members! Sing to the Lord a new song! Refrain Copyright Test: Herbert Brokering 1926; Tune David Johnson. "Loud boiling test tubes"!?
-------------------- My essays on comics continuity: http://chastmastr.tumblr.com/tagged/continuity
Posts: 14068 | From: Clearwater, Florida | Registered: Jul 2001
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ChastMastr
Shipmate
# 716
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Posted
Oh, and here's another to go with "Footprints": WWJD?If this has not spread to the UK, it means "What Would Jesus Do?" I find it almost completely useless as a guide to life. I usually find myself imagining Him doing something supernatural in whatever the situation is (healing the sick, etc.). Obviously He would not do something clearly sinful, but for the minutiae of life, which is what really distracts me and trips me up, I often find myself caught between two apparent goods rather than a good and an obvious bad. Add to that, that I always imagine a web site: www.jd? (I hope it ends in an .org and not in a .com. Brrr.) Over here it's been plastered on every possible surface (well, okay, not condoms*) for some time. Often worn by teens. *(so far as I know...)
-------------------- My essays on comics continuity: http://chastmastr.tumblr.com/tagged/continuity
Posts: 14068 | From: Clearwater, Florida | Registered: Jul 2001
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Stephen
Shipmate
# 40
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Posted
Oh. Babybear!!You beat me to it! But I know I'm going to come out with WWCS one day if front of non-shipmates.....methinks I'll have a lot of explaining to do!! WWCS?
-------------------- Best Wishes Stephen
'Be still,then, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the nations and I will be exalted in the earth' Ps46 v10
Posts: 3954 | From: Alto C Clef Country | Registered: May 2001
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Stephen
Shipmate
# 40
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Posted
And probably fed up with us talking about him behind his back.... Watch out for a volley of English Missiles
-------------------- Best Wishes Stephen
'Be still,then, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the nations and I will be exalted in the earth' Ps46 v10
Posts: 3954 | From: Alto C Clef Country | Registered: May 2001
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Moo
Ship's tough old bird
# 107
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Posted
Alexandra , who writes very good parodies, posted this one of Jesus loves me more than a year ago.********************************************* Jesus loves me, I'm so glad, Never tells me I've been bad. He's my mascot, he's my pet, Everything I want I get. Yes, Jesus loves me, Yes, Jesus loves me, Yes Jesus loves me, He loves me more than you. ********************************************* Moo
-------------------- Kerygmania host --------------------- See you later, alligator.
Posts: 20365 | From: Alleghany Mountains of Virginia | Registered: May 2001
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tomb
Shipmate
# 174
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Posted
I vote that one be included in the Diocese of Foulness hymnal.
Posts: 5039 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: May 2001
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jlg
What is this place? Why am I here?
# 98
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Posted
I just read throught the entire thread (so much for keeping the on-line charges within bounds!). It was wonderful therapy (I was bellylaughing at the many parodies and horrible originals).But of course I now have a list of comments to make, in no particular order. "Lord of the Dance" is a set of silly '70s words set to a venerable Shaker hymn "Simple Gifts". Tis a gift to be simple, tis a gift to be free, tis a gift to come down where you ought to be... The last of the Shakers are here in New England, and about a year ago a CD was released which recorded the few remaining Shaker ladies singing their hymns for and with a small professional group. It will blow that horrible "Lord of the Dance" right out of your memory. Gill H -- thank you for the "It's Pants"! I will add it to my mental distractions while singing with my Baptist friends. It didn't take me long to recognize it, despite the lack of music. And I have always been irritated by it, because they sing it without written notation and therefore I'm still not sure exactly how it goes. "Morning has Broken" is a Cat Stevens song from the '70s; I always thought he wrote it, but perhaps not. As a folk/pop song, I like it, but it is definitely NOT a congregational hymn (especially with organ), and it irritates me no end as part of a church service. (It's the contemporary version of How Great Thou Art). Paulalizzie, the theme from Chariots of Fire IS a hymn, the one with the words from Blake which someone negated here. I happen to LOVE "Jerusalem", but have already had to concede to the RC locals that it isn't an acceptable hymn due to the words. I did get to sing it once for a wedding because it was the favorite hymn of the Scottish groom's mother.
Posts: 17391 | From: Just a Town, New Hampshire, USA | Registered: May 2001
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frin
Drinking coffee for Jesus
# 9
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Posted
Grammatical note for Oriel: quote:
Not to mention the fact that the unscanning version is full of verbless sentences (Thou my best thought, for example, and many others in subsequent verses, all of which are prefixed with "be" in the scanning version).
Your objection to the grammar of the sentences is unnecessary. Elision allows for non-repetition of words and the hearer can be expected to infer the presence of missing words. An example: a - Did you go? b - Yes. a doesn't fill in the context because b should be able to infer it. b doesn't fill in the I did of "Yes I did" (and thus produces a verbless sentence most people couldn't care less about). Moreover - your preferred version uses the same implied imperative in its final line: Be Thou my best thought in the day and the night Both waking and sleeping, Thy presence my lightThe objection to scansion holds better ground than the objection to grammar. Cat Stevens didn't write Morning has broken - unless he was also called Eleanor Farjeon and died in 1965. And as for the Tea-Tray. I suggest, dear Alaric, that you take up decoupage experimentally just once. Try it out on the tea tray (badly). Give up decoupage and bin your effort at it. Problem sorted. 'frin
-------------------- "Even the crocodile looks after her young" - Lamentations 4, remembering Erin.
Posts: 4496 | From: a library | Registered: Apr 2001
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fadethecat
Apprentice
# 446
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Posted
I loved the version of Footprints that The Door came out with not too long ago; evidently the set of footprints alone comes from when Jesus left to have a beer with the Father, because he "couldn't stand to listen to your whining anymore."
Posts: 22 | Registered: Jun 2001
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Newman's Own
Shipmate
# 420
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Posted
I am laughing so much at the "double entendre" post that it's hard for me to get the asbestos round my shoulders. I have fortunately been in a church that has wonderful music for a time, so I missed a great deal of the songs to which many of you were subjected. (Are they all real?)I once remember, at a charismatic convention about 24 years ago, a group of young people singing this repetitive "God's not dead - he's still alive - he's living in my hands, living in my feet, living in my whole body." Quite odd theology, that! It was horrible. Then, during the same era, there was vast trouble with misplaced modifiers. One godawful favourite contained the lines: " Every night before I sleep, I pray my soul to take. Or else I pray that loneliness is gone when I awake." Though I'd never deny that loneliness can be a horrid pain, I doubt many of us would ask God to have us die tonight if we'll be lonely tomorrow. I must admit that, on the one occasion when I heard "There is a Fountain filled with Blood," I could not finish my lunch for two days...
-------------------- Cheers, Elizabeth “History as Revelation is seldom very revealing, and histories of holiness are full of holes.” - Dermot Quinn
Posts: 6740 | From: Library or pub | Registered: Jun 2001
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