I have written some similar stuff myself for a laugh. I often wonder if some congregations would sing it, hands in the air:

I'm too young to march with the infantry
ride with the cavalry
Shoot the artillery
I'm too young to [something that rhymes]
But I'm in the Lord's Army! (Yes Sir!)

But I'm in the Lord's Army! (Yes Sir!)
But I'm in the Lord's Army! (Yes Sir!)
I'm too young to [something that rhymes]
But I'm in the Lord's Army!

But there is a truly dreadful hymn I know about, which has escaped 15 pages' worth of posts. It really will make this thread Hellish!

But I need some lunch before posting it.

1. Mr Cow, --- how do you --- say to the Lord, "I love You?" (repeat line)
Well, I stand around in the field all day,
and it gives me plenty of time to say,
"Moo, moo, moo."

2. Mr Sheep . . .
"Baa, baa, baa."

3. Mr Pig . . .
. . . I roll around in the mud . . .
"Oink, oink, oink."

4. Mr Duck . . .
. . . I swim around on the pond . . .
"Quack, quack, quack."

This has even less Christian sentiment than "I vow to thee my country," and the bit about Mr Cow is only acceptable when watching Jean-Paul Gaultier and Antione de Caunes on channel 4.

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Originally posted by Karl:
I have written some similar stuff myself for a laugh. I often wonder if some congregations would sing it, hands in the air:

I wanna be, wanna be
Filled with a feeling warm and fluffy

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Originally posted by Campbell Ritchie:

This has even less Christian sentiment than "I vow to thee my country," and the bit about Mr Cow is only acceptable when watching Jean-Paul Gaultier and Antione de Caunes on channel 4.

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Late on Friday night on channel 4 there was often a programme called "Eurotrash," originally hosted by Antoine de Caunes and Jean-Paul Gaultier, the latter wearing a skirt, with various very silly sketches about strange people doing strange things in countries outside the UK, usually with some sort of erotic or scatological bent. "Bent" meaning both "direction" and "distorted." When my daughter (then 17) asked a boyfriend what "Eurotrash" was about, he replied, quite correctly, "You don't want to know." AdC and J-PG had some paper animals called Pepe and Popo (giraffes) and MR COW (a cow!!!) which made regular appearances too.

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Originally posted by Campbell Ritchie:
Ingeborg S Norden, not being from the UK, doesn't know what she is missing. She hasn't missed anything. I e-mailed her to explain, but thought for the benefit (benefit?????) of other non-channel-4-watching members, I ought to copy and paste the substance of the message.

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Haven't gotten the e-mail yet, so thanks for explaining it here...or is gratitude permitted in Hell?

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Late on Friday night on channel 4 there was often a programme called "Eurotrash," originally hosted by Antoine de Caunes and Jean-Paul Gaultier, the latter wearing a skirt, with various very silly sketches about strange people doing strange things in countries outside the UK, usually with some sort of erotic or scatological bent.

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Ewwwwww...if I am ever stuck in an English hotel room with no entertainment except a TV set, I'll know which program to avoid!

To return to the intended thread-topic, however...the "Father Abraham" children's song, with motions and all, would have to be on my Bottom Ten list. Sure, it mentions a Biblical character and exhorts people "so let's all praise the Lord". But since when do Christians, other than those in "Messianic Jewish" congregations, consider themselves Abraham's children? The "sons" reference could also cause problems for female singers ("I am one of them"...yeah right!).

On a lighter note (ahem), this parody of a Sunday-school classic has made the rounds among my pagan friends:

It's an idea whose l'chaim has come!

Ar ar ar...

Hmm. Actually, my foster dad (not Jewish himself, though he held Passover meals at his home from what he told me -- he and his wife were Unitarian Universalists, born and raised) sang a wonderful song I will repeat...

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Originally posted by ChastMastr:
Actually as I understand it, whether Jewish or Gentile by birth, Christians consider themselves children of Abraham by faith -- grafted in, as it were.

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Point taken, although some sects don't hold with "replacement theology" or the "spiritual Israel" idea (emphasizing "there is neither Jew nor Greek in Christ" instead).

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It's an idea whose l'chaim has come!

Ar ar ar...

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Ohhhhh dear godddds...will have to pass that one on to my cyberbuddy who teaches Hebrew school.

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Ha-va ma-gi-la,
have two ma-gi-las,
have three ma-gi-las, they're very small...

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Errrr, that'd be "nagila" with an N; but sooner or later some joker was bound to parody that song (I've heard even Jews asking "what the heck does it mean?").

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Originally posted by Campbell Ritchie:
Somebody mentioned "I vow to thee my country," many pages back and never quoted the full version, which was in the newspapers a couple of days ago, when Don Allister (I think the same Don Allister I was at College with) refused to use it at a wedding

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ok, so which one of you jokers IS don allister?????

because he was just on radio two, on good morning sunday. and he described the song, quoting some of the lyrics from it, and said...

'this is quoted as having some of the worst lyrics ever!'

now, as we (as hell) were only introduced to this jazzy little number by father gregory, and no one else here had heard/remembered it until then....suddenly it comes out of the woodwork, on to radio 2?????

we're asked to believe don just knew it and *liked* it, and this occurred at the same time as hell was talking about it?

*looks of disbelief*

although it was very funny, so have my mum come through the door at some unearthly hour, shouting 'listen to this, isn't it that song you went on about?' and me struggling back from the depths of sleep to the archetypical country song (i can still remember it now, an hour later *shudder*) - twiddling guitars and easy-listening smooth voices, 'drop kick me jesus, through the goalposts of life. end over end, neither left nor .........

aaaaaaaaaaaaargh

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Originally posted by Campbell Ritchie:
1. Mr Cow, --- how do you --- say to the Lord, "I love You?" (repeat line)
Well, I stand around in the field all day,
and it gives me plenty of time to say,
"Moo, moo, moo."

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julia plaut is the name to put on your letter bomb

she also wrote some other beauties, like:

jesus is my friend,
and i'm a friend of jesus
jesus is my friend,
and i'm a friend of his.
i can talk to him anytime i like.
he's always listening, that's how i know that
jesus is my friend, and i'm a friend of his.

leaving aside the fact there is no scanning, no rhyme-scheme and no deep lyrics, unless you have an iq of less than 5!!!!

we got taught in psychology and philosophy, that this is a circular arguement, and one fact is based on another, which is based on the first. nothing is fundamentally supporting the reasoning, and it will all come crashing down (hopefully with julia plaut underneath???)

there's also a lovely song about a lil toddler who won't share his toys (smart kid) until some weirdo stranger comes knocking on the door. lil boy talks to said stranger, despite all the warnings his mother should have given him about 'don't talk to strangers'....

ok, this is me in a weird, evil mood because i have to leave hell and go to church 10 minutes ago....groan. will post lyrics when i get back.....

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The Church that seemed in slumber has now risen from its kness and the dry bones are responding with the fruit of new birth.

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It takes a certain talent to be able to mix five metaphors in a single sentence.

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ok, so which one of you jokers IS don allister?????

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As far as I know, nobody. Look up the websites I quoted a few postings back (yesterday, 11th August) and find the reference to the Times 9th August, which, if I remember correctly, has a photo of Don in.

Went to heaven
Went to heaven
Went to heaven just now

[repeat the lines above a second time; the other verses I didn't quote have the same basic format]

Save me.

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Originally posted by sarkycow:
ok, so which one of you jokers IS don allister?????

because he was just on radio two, on good morning sunday. and he described the song, quoting some of the lyrics from it, and said...

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ok, so the song i was talking about in 'Drop kick me Jesus....'

sorry i forgot to put that in (too early in the morning to be thinking straight). prolly post makes more sense now - would be really nice if an adminny-type-person could edit my post to add that in???

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Point taken, although some sects don't hold with "replacement theology" or the "spiritual Israel" idea

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As a Mennonite and therefore pacifist, I thoroughly join in deprecating all the 'army' songs. But here FYI is some of the best 'army' one ever, by the ought-to-be-better-known Andrew Kreider, son of Alan and Ellie Kreider, founders of the only Menno congregation in Britain (see www.menno.org.uk for further...):

We are joining the army that sheds no blood
(rpt 3 times)
Make us one in your love, O Lord

(all right, so it's got 'make a swan'...)

It continues with:

We are building a city set on a hill;

We are scattered as salt upon the earth;

We will work for the kingdom in all our ways;

etc etc, and the tune is catchy without being maddening.

"Oh you can't get to heaven (oh you can't get to Heaven)
In a motor car (in a motor car)
Cause a motor car (cause a motor car)
Can't drive that far (can't drive that far).

Repeat with a new selection of music.

Then do it with "biscuit tin":

Oh you can't get to heaven
In a biscuit tin
Cause the pearly gates
Won't let you in.
etc

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Originally posted by Nunc Dimittis:
"Oh you can't get to heaven (oh you can't get to Heaven)

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My family used to sing this in the car when we were going on hoilday. We also used to sing "the Quatermaster's Store".

I doubt that this memory will have much impact without one's being able to hear the dreadful melody, which, for some unknown reason, always was horribly d-r-aaaa-ged out by the prayer group's members. Slow sing-song, the words to this gem (which had easily eight verses - substitute the words "love," "healing," and more for "peace") were as follows:

Peace is flowing like a river,
Flowing out to you and me,
Flowing out into the desert,
Setting all the captives free.

The last verse consisted entirely of the word "Alleluia," repeated endlessly. I shall confess that I truly meant "Alleluia" at that point... thank heavens, this dirge is nearly over.

Boring is the song x4
Repetitive is the song x4
Crummy is the song x4
Tiresome is the song x4

... on a boy scout's knee
cause a boy scout's knee is knobbly

... in a playtex bra
cause a playtex bra won't stretch that far

... in a bottle of gin
cause the Lord won't let no spirits in

... in a sardine tine
cause a sardine tin got sardines in

(and on church trips...)

... in the vicar's car
cause the vicar's car won't go that far

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Originally posted by Gill H:
... in a bottle of gin
cause the Lord won't let no spirits in

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Poor HT. He will not be a happy little Hooker to hear that.

Hey Lord (Hey Lord)
Oh Lord (Oh Lord)
Hey Lord (Hey Lord)
You know what we need.

Na na na na na na na,
Na na na na na na na,
Na na na na na na na na.

I think there was another verse, but I'd lost all hope by that point.

I saw Lisa Lisa eating lots of pizza
In the Store, in the Store
I saw LIsa Lisa eating lots of pizza
In the Quartermaster's Store.
My eyes my dear, I cannot see
I [something something] half past three
I[ something something something] at
Half Past THree!

There was cheese, cheese,
With kilts and hairy knees
In the store, in the store.
There was cheese, cheese,
With kilts and hairy knees
In the quarter master's store.

My eyes are dim, I cannot see
I have not brought my specs with me,
I have not brought my specs with me!

My eyes are dim, I cannot see
I have not brought my specs with me,
I have not brought my specs with me!

There was butter, butter,
running down the gutter.

There were cakes, cake,
but they were only fakes....

Oh and then, there was the hideous song we all sang in 'grown up' church that went;

I keep falling in love with him
over and over and over and over again
I keep falling in love with im
over and over and over and over again
he gets sweeter and sweeter as the days go by
oh what a love between my God and I
I keep falling in love with him, over and over and over and over again

And if we had a truly vicious worship leader, they would make us keep repeating 'over and over and over and over and over and over and over aggaaain, I said over and over and over and over and over and over agai'.

He made the point, however (and I am not saying I fully agree with him), that many choruses of the late '70s/early 80s were from a time when churches were rediscovering simple, childlike joy in worshipping God. So we have choruses with straightforward words about love, and about 'awakening' and that sort of thing. He doesn't think there was any harm in (most of) them: he does reckon many were appropriate from that era, and are not too suitable these days.

Song from Bobby Bare Greatest Hits, Bareworks Inc.
Words and music by Paul Craft.
CD, BWCD-040292
End over end neither left nor to right
Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights
Drop kick me Jesus through the goal posts of life.

Make me, oh make me, Lord more than I am
Make me a piece in your master game plan
Free from the earthly tempestion below
I’ve got the will, Lord if you’ve got the toe.

Drop kick me Jesus through the goal posts of life
End over end neither left nor to right
Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights
Drop kick me Jesus through the goal posts of life.

Take all the brothers who’ve gone on before
And all of the sisters who’ve knocked on your door
All the departed dear loved ones of mine
Stick’em up front in the offensive line.

Drop kick me Jesus through the goal posts of life
End over end neither left nor to right
Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights
Drop kick me Jesus through the goal posts of life.

But not apparently the cold war Bluegrass classic:

Atomic Power
::::::::::::

by The Louvin Brothers

Do you fear this man's invention
That they call atomic power?
Are we all in great confusion
Do we know the time or hour?
When a terrible explosion
May rain down upon our land,
Leaving horrible destruction
Blotting out the works of man.

Are you, are you ready
For that great atomic power?
Will you rise and meet your savior in the air?
Will you shout or will you cry
When the fire rains from on high?
Are you ready for that great atomic power?

There is one way to escape
And be prepared to meet the Lord,
When the mushroom of destruction falls
There is a shielding sword.
He will surely stand beside you
And you'll never taste of death,
For your soul will fly to safety
In eternal peace and rest.

Are you, are you ready

For that great atomic power?
Will you rise and meet your savior in the air?
Will you shout or will you cry
When the fire rains from on high?
Are you ready for that great atomic power?

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Originally posted by Nunc Dimittis:
BB,
I saw Lisa Lisa eating lots of pizza
In the Store, in the Store
I saw LIsa Lisa eating lots of pizza
In the Quartermaster's Store.
.

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There was jelly, jelly that rumbled in your ....stomach in the stores

Tis "Belly".

quote:

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And for years, we sang the second verse as 'if the devil doesn't like it, he can sit on his hat.'

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I seem to remember that what he was to sit on was a tack, which sounds a lot more punitive. There were also verses with 'I've got that love' and 'I've got that peace that passes understanding', which was pretty hard to fit in.

As for the quartermasters' stores (not the 'quatermaster's', which sounds like an old horror film', there were also 'rats, rats, big as pussy cats'. And what about 'On top of spaghetti, all covered in cheese, I lost my poor meatball When somebody sneezed'? Ah, happy days in coaches coming back from school outings...

[edited to remove excess of blank quote tags]

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Originally posted by GeoffH:
There was jelly, jelly that rumbled in your ....stomach in the stores

My eyes are dim they cannot see
I have not brought my specs with me
(with emphasis and hanging onto evey note) I have not brought my specs with me

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We used to sing in the corps, instead of in the stores.

The stanzas I remember started;

• It's beer, beer, beer, that makes you want to cheer
• It's wine, wine, wine, that makes you feel so fine
• It's gin, gin, gin, that makes you want to sin
• It's rabbits, rabbits, rabbits, that teach us nasty habits

In our schoolday version 'quartermaster's store' was actually 'co-operative store'.

Adds that grittily authentic working class touch. Bet you lot were all in the CCF or something, eh?

was the daring version (well, daring if you're 8 and the teacher is in the next seat).

Then there's (tune - John Brown's Body):

He jumped from forty thousand feet without a parachute (x3)
And he ain't gonna jump no more

Glory, glory what a helluva way to die
Suspended by your braces in the middle of the sky
Glory, glory what a helluva way to die
And he ain't gonna jump no more

2. He landed on the runway like a lump of strawb'ry jam

3. They put him in a matchbox and they sent him home to mum

4. She put him on the mantelpiece for everyone to see

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A Kevin Prosch gem from this year's Stoneleigh/New Wine book...

Hey Lord (Hey Lord)[etc]

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