Father: "So, what do you do?"

Fiance: "Sir, I am a scripture scholar."

Father: "Very noble, but how will you be able to support a family?"

Fiance: "I have faith that God will provide."

Father: "You're very devout, good. But what about if your wife is unemployed. How will you feed the two of you?"

Fiance: "God will provide, I am sure."

Father: "But what about children? How will you be able to support them, as well as my daughter?"

Fiance: "I am very confident that God will provide for us."

At that point the daughter comes into the room, and she and her fiance go out for the evening. The parents are left alone.

Father: "Our daughter must have been saying a lot of great things about me."

Mother: "How can you tell?"

The Mechanical Engineer insists that God must also be a mechanical eng "look at the body - its an amazing machine".

The Electrical Engineer disagrees and proposes that God must be an electrical eng - "Look at the body - its an amazing electrical circuit, all those pulses flying around neural systems"

The Civil Engineer however feels that they are both wrong and that God must clearly be a civil eng "After all, who else would build a waste pipe through the middle of a recreational area?"

On the way to the parent's house he decides to stop at a chemists to buy a little 'something for the weekend'.

The pharmacist approaches him as he's trying to make his purchase and offers help. The young man discusses the various options with the pharmacist and on stating that his girlfriend is rather adventurous and has quite an 'appetite' he takes the pharmacist's advice and buys several boxes of different varieties.

The young man continues on his way and arrives at his girlfriends house. Once all the family arrive they settle down to eat. As they are about to start the mother suggests they all bow their heads to say grace.

Long after the others have finished the young man's head is still bowed and he appears to be muttering in quite feverish prayer.

When he is still praying a few minutes later and the situation is becoming a little awkward, the girlfriend leans over to him and whispers: "you never told me you were so religous."

A man who had put off his conversion till the end of his life (in order to die in baptismal innocence, of course) was being baptised very close to in extremis.

"Sure", she says, "What do you need me to do?"

"Well, Elsie, You know that loose brick in the mantlepiece? Pull it out, and behind it you will find a lock box with the things I indend to take with me."

Elsie goes to the mantle, and sure enough there is a loose brick hiding a lock box. She comes back to his bed and asks, "What do I do with it?"

The old man says, "Go up to the attic, and put in on the window sill. I will take it with me on the way to heaven."

Elsie goes up the the attic, places the box on the window sill, and returns to her dying husband's side.

A few days later, the old man dies. In the midst of the funeral and family gathering, she forgot all about the lock box.

About a week later, after all the relatives have gone home, she remembers the box, and wonders to herself if the old goat really had figured out a way to take it with him.

She goes bakc up to the attic, looks at the window sill, and sure enough, the box is still there!

"Are you a Protestant or a Catholic?" asks the gunman.

"Neither, I'm Jewish" replies the man.

Wanting to be helpful, the young curate leans over, and says "'I believe in God', sir".

The priest smiles, and says "So do I, my boy, so do I."

=================

The Vicar stands up to start the service, but it's clear the congregation can't hear him properly, and the churchwardens are doing nothing to help. So he raises his voice a little and says:

"There's something wrong with the microphone"

to which the congregation reply:

A: 8 cum spir 8 2 2 0 !

Chukwuma for ABC ! The C of E could use a little exorcise.

A hoary & feeble Latin pun, but one that I enjoy !!

My REAL choices for ABC are London & Stepney; London would continue the "R.C." pattern: Ramsey, Coggan; Runcie, Carey; Richard Chartres.

"Flecte quod est rigidum;
Fove quod est frigidum;
Rege quod est devium."

The proprietor was very flattered to be asked, and proceeded to make the best pizza of his life. When he got into the delivery truck, however, it wouldn't start. He called a taxi and jumped in. When they got to the Vatican, the cabby said, "I won't wait for you unless you pay for the ride so far."

Oh, no! The pizza man had no money with him, and it was all in the safe at the restaurant, which has a time lock, even if they want back and the pizza got cold, he still couldn't get any money! He explained this to the cabby, and the cabby said, "OK, but you have to give me ALL of the money you get for the pizza, and if the pope gives you anything extra, like a tip, I get half of that." The pizza man agreed.

The pizza man rang the bell, and an aide to the pope greeted him. The pizza man asked if he could hand deliver the food, and he was granted permission.

He came out of the papal residence, so very happy to have been in the presence of his holiness the pope, and got into the taxi without a word. The cabby says, "Hey, what about payment?" and the pizza man gives him the whole price of the pizza, still without speaking. "Hey, where's the tip? Didn't the pope give you anything extra for coming out so late? I get half of that, you know!"

"Oh, yes," said the pizza man, and putting his right hand high in the air and bringing it down, he said, "En nomine patri, et fili."

You wake up in the middle of the night to find a question mark burning on your lawn.

---

Jesus is at prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane. "O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me."

"Sorry, my son," says God, "I'm afraid I can't do that. But you know what, I'm going to give you a choice. You can choose how you're going to die: you can either be crucified, or stung to death by a swarm of killer bees."

So Jesus sits there in agony, thinking it out. Crucifixion or killer bees? Crucifixion or killer bees? Finally He makes up his mind. "All right, Father," He says. "Let it be---crucifixion."

"Right," says God, "off you go." And Jesus goes off to die on the cross, be buried, descend to the dead, rise on the third day, and ascend into heaven, where He and God live happily ever after.

And you know, we should all be very grateful that things turned out in this way, because otherwise during the liturgy we would have to say:

"Haw, Rev" she ventures "D'ye want super sex?"

"No thanks" he replies " I'll just have the soup, if it's all the same to you"

The first priest says "Since I suggested it, I'll go first. With me it's the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system."

They all look each other again nervously, but the next priest slowly starts "Wellll......with me, it's gambling.
Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system."

The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says "This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I reallllly get it out of my system."
They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He doesn't say anything. Then one of the four speaks up "Come now, we've all told our innermost faults. It's your turn." He looks at the others and starts hesitantly "Welllllll..... I'm an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"

====
A young girl goes into her priest on Saturday morning for confession.
"Father, forgive me for I have Thinned."
"You've Thinned?"
"Yes, I went out with me boyfriend Friday night. He held me hand twice, kissed me three times, and made love to me
two times."
"Daughter! I want you to go straight home, squeeze seven lemons into a glass, and drink it straight down."
"Will that wash away me Thin?"
"No, but it will get the silly smile off your face."

====
I know, this one is the worst of all, but, again, blame my friend from Kerry!

The Norse god Thor was fed up. He had been in Valhalla for hundreds of years, and had had all the goddeses there were to be had, and all the Elven women of Asgard. So, for a change, he thought he would go down to Midgard in search of a mortal woman.

So, in a great thunderstorm, he landed in the mountains of Norway. He wandered down till he caught sight of a fair shepherdess. He hurried towards her. He could see the look of surprise, then gladness, as she beheld his approach, for being a god, he was a strong and handsome fellow. He beckoned to her to follow him to a woodland clearing, which she did.

The priest lived a good number of years and finally passed on, and a new priest was appointed.

After a few weeks, the new priest paid a visit to the mayor. "You've got to do something about the pavement, Mr. Mayor. I'm alarmed at how many parishoners report to me that they've fallen of late."

The mayor figures out what is happening and howls with laughter.

Says the priest indignantly, "You wouldna think the problem was so funny when I tell you your own wife has fallen twice this past week!"

====

A new novice was summoned by her Mother Superior to assist the aged Sr. Maureen on her daily round of errands in the local village. Young Sr. Brigid studiously noted each road and stop they made as they pedalled their way about, on the convent's two ancient bicycles.

Upon heading back to the convent, Sr Brigid took the lead, only to find that a road they had taken was now impassable. Sr Maureen tells her not to worry, she knows another way, so off they go careening down some obscure back roads in a manner that makes young Brigid very concerned. Somewhat breathlessly she calls out to Sr Maureen "I've never come this way before".

"Don't you be alarmed now" says Sr. Maureen " 'Tis those lovely cobble stones....."

A year passes and the young man seethes with frustration, but finally, with joy and relief, he makes it to Easter Sunday, enters the abbot's study, and says, "This."

A second year goes by, Easter comes again, the brother goes to see the abbot and says, "Food."

A third year goes by, Easter Sunday comes and he tells the abbot, "Stinks."

Because his bid was so low, he had to take a few shortcuts. He used the cheapest paint he could find, and then cut it with turpentine.

The painter was up on the scaffold, and had nearly finished the job when a big storm could arose. There was thunder and lightning, and a blinding flash of light as the man was knocked to the ground and all the work he had done was washed from the steeple.

'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man 'There is more than one type?'

'Look Around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.

'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras,' replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The saleslady replied 'The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?'

Still confused the man asked 'What is the difference between them?'

When the son returns from Israel he announces to his father that he has become a Christian.

Isaac goes to the synagogue and prays: "God, I have spent all my money giving my son a good education and now he goes to Israel and becomes a Christian"

"So what are the Dominicans about, anyway?" he asks.

The Dominican replied "The order was set up by St Dominic to counter the Albigensian heresy."

"And what about these Jesuits I`ve heard about?"

"Oh, they were set up in response to the Protestant Reformation."

"So.. which would you say is the better order?"

The young boy had just come home from Hebrew School. His father asked him what he'd learned that day.

The boy was quiet for a moment and then said, "Dad, have any of the men in our family had their penises criticized?"

[UBB Code edited]

CS Lewis was once asked who he would like for company, if he was to be exiled on a
un-inhabited island.

His answer; "I take an liberal-theologian for company!

"But, I thought you hated liberal-theology?"

"Yes I do, but he´s the perfect entertainement!"

"How?"

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ultraspike:
Q: Why is there a hole in the roof of Texas Stadium?
A: So God can watch His team play.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by daisymay:
An Orangeman is dying. He tells his family to send for the priest. After querying whether his mind is going, they do so. The priest is brought to the bed-side of the dying man and the others are sent out. after a while the priest comes out smiling. He says nothing. The family rush in and ask what has been going on. The Orangeman says, "I've just been received into the Roman Catholic Church." Shock, horror from everyone present. Then his wife says, "But you have fought these papists all your life!" "Yes," the dying man replies, "better one of them dies than one of us."

---

Letter from Grandma

The other day I went to the local Christian bookstore and saw a ‘Honk if you love Jesus’ bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly exhilarated that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed.

I was stopped on a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is. I did not notice that the light had changed to green.

It is a good thing that someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked I would never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!

Why, while I was sitting there the guy behind me started honking like crazy then leaned out of his window and screamed ‘For the love of God go, go!! Jesus Christ go!!” What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking. I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked a few times to share their love.

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a ‘sunny beach’.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant he said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well I have never met anyone from Hawaii so I leaned out of the window and gave him that good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing … why, even he was enjoying the religious experience.

A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended but this was when I noticed that the lights had changed.

So, I waved to all my brothers and sisters and smiling at them. I drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car to get through before the lights changed again.

I felt a bit sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time and blew them a kiss as I drove away.