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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Hell: Don't come to my church because .........
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Aardvark
Shipmate
# 2295
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Posted
DCTMCB the passing of the peace goes on for about 10 minutes as people walk across the church to hug friends and have a good old gossip. Being new, you will not be able to do this and you will remain rooted to your pew feigning a sudden intense interest in the notice sheet, feeling like a sad and lonely social outcast.
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...a man's reach should exceed his grasp, Or what's a heaven for?
Browning
Posts: 618 | From: just outside the M25 | Registered: Feb 2002
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Chapelhead*
Ship’s Photographer
# 1143
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Rhyzome:
quote:
Originally posted by Chapelhead:
DCTMCB if you pick the wrong week you'll see me leading the first half of the service. ![[Embarrassed]](redface.gif)
Tell us where it is and we promise not to mystery worship ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Enough information has been given elsewhere, and the first week in August is a good time to avoid. ![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
DCTMCB - It's a long way from almost anywhere, so by the time you get here you'll want the loo and until we build new vestries we don't have one.
DCTMCB - the scheme of service times for us and our sister church is so complex that you'll never turn up at the right place - and it gets worse during the Rector's August holiday.
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Benedikt Gott Geschickt!
Posts: 7082 | From: Turbolift Control. | Registered: Aug 2001
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J Whitgift
Pro ecclesia dei!
# 1981
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Posted
DCTMCB I will be holiday, and not there for the next 2 Sundays ![[Happy]](graemlins/happy.gif) - How will they cope???
Still if someone wants to keep my seat warm I sit 4th row from the front, on the Left (stage right), on the side nearest the Aisle. Remember though that I will want my seat back when I come back tho ![[Mad]](mad.gif) !!!
![[Yipee]](graemlins/spin.gif) Loopy Lux
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On the issue of homosexuality the Liberals have spent their time thinking, considering and listening (in the spirit of the Windsor process), whereas Conservative Anglicans have used the time to further dig their feet in and become more intransigent.
Posts: 2838 | From: Gone shoreside | Registered: Dec 2001
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mysticlisa
Ship's seer
# 2867
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Posted
DCTMCB you'll arrive at the wrong time unless someone has told you services start at 8, 9:45 and 11:15
DCTMCB you'll never find a parking place unless you time it just right between services
DCTMCB you will be greeted warmly by at least 6 people before you get to the entrance of the sanctuary
DCTMCB your kids won't want to go home and your teenagers will want to come back again that evening
DCTMCB you will like it and want to stay and we really don't have any more room until we finish our new building
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"More things are wrought by prayer
than this world dreams of."
-Alfred Lord Tennyson
Posts: 483 | From: my laptop | Registered: May 2002
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Fuquit
Apprentice
# 1688
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Aardvark:
DCTMCB the vicar will immediately home in on you at the end of the service despite your attempts to slip surreptitiously out of the door and as he warmly shakes your hand, he will bellow, "So where are you right now in your walk with the Lord?..."
![[Puke]](graemlins/puke.gif) Mind your own f***ing business, I might reply but that could trigger off an exorcism ![[Wink]](wink.gif)
Posts: 15 | From: South of London | Registered: Nov 2001
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Chorister
Completely Frocked
# 473
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Posted
DCTMCB the fact that a large number of the people there have grey or white hair might matter to you more than the fact that they are valued as individuals, to God and to the church, no matter what their age.
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Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.
Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001
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Laudate Dominum
Shipmate
# 3104
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Posted
DCTMCB The interior reminds one of a modernist's interpretation of a cave.
DCTMCB Our new pastor was a businessman in his "other" life and is very good at public relations. We also sometimes cater to his taste in music (white gospel).
DCTMCB You will be press-ganged into the choir if you so much as open your mouth during the songs.
DCTMCB The entire soprano section of the choir will be lost without me when I leave for college next month.
Posts: 518 | From: Lala Land | Registered: Jul 2002
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Quizmaster
Quick quipper
# 1435
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Posted
They just started another Alpha course and the regulars are worried that it might introduce Christianity to the place.
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The more questions I ask the more I ask fewer questions.
OR=========================================
The wise person does not know all the answers, but always asks the right questions.
Posts: 3326 | From: Exeter, Devon | Registered: Oct 2001
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Og: Thread Killer
Ship's token CN Mennonite
# 3200
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Posted
DCTMB I'm going to ask you if you like a certain book in the NT and all those giving positive answers get to teach my Sunday School class.
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
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I wish I was seeking justice loving mercy and walking humbly but... "Cease to lament for that thou canst not help, And study help for that which thou lament'st."
Posts: 5025 | From: Toronto | Registered: Aug 2002
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zephirine of the roses
Soul of the rose
# 3323
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Posted
dctmc unless you like the worship music LOUD!!!!!
![[Angel]](graemlins/angel.gif)
(joyful noise at full volume!)
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We are, each of us, angels with only one wing. And we can only fly embracing each other."
*~ Luciano De Crescenzo
Posts: 1756 | From: middle of an apple orchard in ny | Registered: Sep 2002
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Basket Case
Shipmate
# 1812
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Posted
dctmc unless you have brought a pillow for your rear & earplugs - OR unless you have the cojones to walk out when you've had enough (I don't usually have requisite cojones). It is very unlikely you will have the stamina of the rest of our congregation!
Posts: 1157 | From: Pomo (basket) country | Registered: Nov 2001
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MCC
Shipmate
# 3137
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Posted
DCTMCB you may not like the unique Baroque paintings, Handel's organ, Duke's pew and mausoleum! (Grinling Gibbons carvings are in some doubt!)
But if you would like them we're open every sunday afternoon anyway, so you don't have to do the God thing!
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mcc____
Posts: 419 | From: London | Registered: Aug 2002
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shoewoman
Shipmate
# 1618
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Posted
DCTMCB the chairs are so comfortable that they should be called penitent benches.
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Maybe I should get an avatar.... or maybe not....
Posts: 652 | From: Germany | Registered: Oct 2001
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Gambit
London Shipmeet King
# 766
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Aardvark:
DCTMCB the passing of the peace goes on for about 10 minutes as people walk across the church to hug friends and have a good old gossip. Being new, you will not be able to do this and you will remain rooted to your pew feigning a sudden intense interest in the notice sheet, feeling like a sad and lonely social outcast.
DCTMCB the same thing happens, but if you're new, you'll be included and we don't just shake hands...sometimes we hug or...[dramatic music] greet each other with a holy kiss[/dramatic music]
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There is a little bit of my mitral regurgitation that is forever yours.
Wiblog: Now being updated less than regularly (again).
Posts: 1105 | From: the best bar in Heaven | Registered: Jul 2001
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auntbeast
Shipmate
# 377
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Posted
DCTM(former)CB
- during the infernal passing of the peace, when you are never sure when free wheeling hugging of complete stranger will break out, you will be spotted as a visitor and when you answer that you come from the AC left-leaning gay advocating parish downtown, the uptight prig you are speaking to will say "oh" and refuse to shake your hand.
- a notable local educator will spend 20 mintes waxing (not so) poetic about what the "gay agenda" is for your city (to destroy your families according to the nameless theolog)
- during the prayers the squeaky little fundy breeder from bible school who is leading will have all the couples stand up and pray that they will raise their children to know the Lord and then make all the singles stand up and pray for godly spouses. (Needless to say there was a small riot of happy singles and childless-by-choice couples who were vying to get at his scrawny little neck at the coffee hour, probably the only thing that saved his life was that none of us could bring ourselves to kill him in front of his children)
- when you point out to the rector that referring to "liberals" as "the enemy" during the welcome tea was not very welcoming, you will be invited to have him pray with you in his very private office two floor up above the sanctuary where no one can hear you scream...and will have to spend the whole time thinking "man of man, if I was mean, one little comment about sexual impropriety and buddy's goose is cooked!" ![[Snigger]](graemlins/snigger.gif)
(no I didn't, I'm not that mean)
They did have some redeeming features but I am much happier at the AC left-leaning church where the visitors who got the "oh treatment" in point one came from.
All good things,
Auntbeast
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"My vices are the children of a forced solitude that I abhor; and my virtues will necessarily arise when I live in communion with an equal" - Mary Shelley (Frankenstein)
Posts: 820 | From: Vancouver, Canada | Registered: Jun 2001
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Zealous Convert:
dctmcb
- we'll make you dance
- the deacons wear tie-dyed vestments
- lots of hugging
- pressure to do lots of things
- you're probably not cool enough
Katie
HEY!
Look for me on Sunday.
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Chorister
Completely Frocked
# 473
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Posted
Don't come to my church because my church has a website - there is no need to come, you can visit it virtually instead!
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Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.
Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001
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Nightlamp
Shipmate
# 266
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Posted
I can't tell you how much I hate that circular thing that follows the mouse around on your church's web site.
[ 17. October 2002, 12:17: Message edited by: Nightlamp ]
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I don't know what you are talking about so it couldn't have been that important- Nightlamp
Posts: 8442 | From: Midlands | Registered: May 2001
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Gambit
London Shipmeet King
# 766
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Nightlamp:
I can't tell you how much I hate that circular thing that follows the mouse around on your church's web site.
(As this is Hell after all)
It bugs the hell out of me too.
Yeah Chorister, what the heck is THAT about?
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There is a little bit of my mitral regurgitation that is forever yours.
Wiblog: Now being updated less than regularly (again).
Posts: 1105 | From: the best bar in Heaven | Registered: Jul 2001
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
Re: above:
It's like an alphabet Ho-down!
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Chorister
Completely Frocked
# 473
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Nightlamp:
I can't tell you how much I hate that circular thing that follows the mouse around on your church's web site.
Well, If you visit my church in reality, a Letterland circle will follow you about, into the pew, up to the Altar rail and to the back for coffee. Rumour has it that it is a mysteron, left behind in the 60s after Captain Scarlet paid a visit.
Alternatively, if you must know, it is a teenage thing - and the lad who invented it (now moved away) thinks it is awfully clever!
BTW has anyone done a study to show how many people prefer virtually visiting churches rather than in real life?
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Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.
Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001
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iGeek.*
Resident alien
# 3207
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Posted
DCTMC(TS 20-Oct) B:
Key members (keyboardist and bassist) of the regular band are away, we haven't even met the replacement bassist yet and the replacement keyboardist commented last night "I've never heard THOSE songs sung before in church ...", the band leader and lead guitarist ran off towards the end of the practice to pray to the porcelein God (coming down with something) and to top it off, there are only 3 singers showing up (oh how nice... a Trio! I feel like Tony Orlando and Dawn).
Oy. This doesn't look good.
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.sig on holiday
Posts: 702 | From: Hot-on-us, TX | Registered: Aug 2002
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Chorister
Completely Frocked
# 473
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Posted
That is the very day that a Mystery Worshipper would decide to show up, IncurablyG ![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
Don't come to my church because you would all find it terribly boring........
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Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.
Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001
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gothy_angel
Apprentice
# 2933
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Posted
DCTMC becuase
If you are an outsider to the village there is a 90% chance that you will be looked at like you are some alien life form...
This is a local church, for local people...
And I promise I don't live in Royston Vasey!!
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Excuse me if my brain leaks out
Posts: 21 | From: Lancashire UK | Registered: Jun 2002
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gothy_angel
Apprentice
# 2933
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Posted
Oops I missed a bit (can you guess where I got my nickname?) The League of Gentlemen quote should have read...
This is A Local Church for Local People. There is nothing for you here.
Dizzy by name...
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Excuse me if my brain leaks out
Posts: 21 | From: Lancashire UK | Registered: Jun 2002
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Newman's Own
Shipmate
# 420
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Posted
Because all of the sermons recently are about how the parish needs your money!
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Cheers,
Elizabeth
“History as Revelation is seldom very revealing, and histories of holiness are full of holes.” - Dermot Quinn
Posts: 6740 | From: Library or pub | Registered: Jun 2001
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MCC
Shipmate
# 3137
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Posted
quote:
Because all of the sermons recently are about how the parish needs your money!
And speaking as a parish treasurer, all the ones for the next year should be!
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mcc____
Posts: 419 | From: London | Registered: Aug 2002
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adso
Shipmate
# 2895
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Posted
DCTMCB if you come with a young family, a certain nauseatingly positive member of the church will explain to me at length what a perfect church we have because we're the only church in half the UK that successfully attracts kids (yes, yes, yes, i KNOW that is not the case, but he genuinely believes it)... and if you fall into any other category he'll use it as evidence for how inclusive we are.
(I've already explained on a thread in purgatory some of my misgivings about increasing numbers of bums on seats justifying everything.)
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os justi meditabitur sapientiam, et lingua eius loquetur judicium. lex dei eius in corde ipsius, et non supplantabuntur gressus eius. alleluia.
Posts: 688 | From: pays de galles | Registered: Jun 2002
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ChrisT
One of the Good Guys™
# 62
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Posted
DCTMCB you're not worthy.
![[Devil]](graemlins/devil.gif)
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Firmly on dry land
Posts: 6489 | From: Here, there and everywhere | Registered: May 2001
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David
Complete Bastard
# 3
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Posted
DNCTMCB it's full of Freaks.
Like every other church.
Posts: 3815 | From: Redneck Wonderland | Registered: Mar 2001
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Aethelburt
Apprentice
# 3462
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Qestia:
DCTMCB we'll embarass you by asking everyone visiting our church for the first time to stand and "be welcomed".
Posts: 7 | From: Tinnessee (yes, that's TINNessee) | Registered: Oct 2002
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Chapelhead*
Ship’s Photographer
# 1143
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Posted
DCTMCB we are a small country parish. We practically invented the word parochial. Why would you want to come here?
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Benedikt Gott Geschickt!
Posts: 7082 | From: Turbolift Control. | Registered: Aug 2001
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Raspberry Rabbit
Will preach for food
# 3080
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Posted
All right - a joke - because this is hell and I'm ornery and can do what I like.
Dolly Pond Apostolic Church of Pentecost. Sunday. The preacher notices that there are three new couples in church and he asks them to come forward. Do they intend to join the congregation? Yes they say - we'd all like to join.
Fine, says the pastor. Here at Dolly Pond Apostolic Church of Pentecost we ask our new candidates for membership to undergo a week long period of fasting, prayer and abstinence to ascertain whether or not the Lord is really calling them to membership. They must pray, they must fast and they must abstain from all sexual congress for a week.
The first couple - well on in years - are philosophical about the whole thing. They've not much of a sex life after all and so they agree.
The second couple - only just into middle age grumble a bit and state that they find this last requirement a little excessive *but* if the pastor insists they'll give it a go.
The third couple are quite young - newly married, as a matter of fact - and protest loudly.
"I'm sorry" says the pastor "that's the way we do things at Dolly Pond Apostolic Church of Pentecost".
Next sunday rolls by - all three couples are present in the church again. The pastor calls them up to the front.
"Well" he asks the first couple, "how did it go"
"Well pastor we prayed and we fasted and yes we believe we are called to membership here".
"And the abstinence?" asks the pastor?
"No problem - we didn't even notice it"
"Well then you're welcome at Dolly Pond Apostolic Church of Pentecost"
He asks the second couple the same thing.
"Well, Pastor, it was difficult. The prayer and the fasting were not a problem but my wife and I love each other very much and it was difficult. However, we prevailed and we'd like to become members"
"You too are welcome at Dolly Pond Apostolic Church of Pentecost"
The third couple had a sheepish look on their faces.
"Well pastor - we were doing *so* well!" said the young husband. "Day three and four became difficult, day five was hell, day six insufferable. On day seven my wife was leaning over the freezer to take out a frozen meal and she looked so lovely I just had to take here right there and then!"
"I'm sorry" said the pastor 'you're not welcome at Dolly Pond Apostolic Church of Pentecost"
"That's okay, Pastor" said the husband, "we're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either"
Raspberry Rabbit
Montreal, QC
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...naked pirates not respecting boundaries...
(((BLOG)))
Posts: 2215 | From: In the middle of France | Registered: Jul 2002
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ChrisT
One of the Good Guys™
# 62
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Posted
ROFL!
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Firmly on dry land
Posts: 6489 | From: Here, there and everywhere | Registered: May 2001
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The Lad Himself
Accidental stowaway
# 2073
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Posted
dctmcb somebody burned it down.
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
Actually that might be a really good reason to come and visit us in the school we're using now... the congregation has lost interest... ohhhh, how depressing...
On the plus side we've been havign paper-aeroplane competitions every Sunday and you shouldn't ctmcb I will beat you hands down.
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new blog: crazywise.org
Posts: 2302 | From: Southport, UK | Registered: Dec 2001
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Atlanta
Shipmate
# 2659
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Posted
DCTMC..... Unless you are going to stay!!
We need more people!!!!
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If you cant beat them, Join them!! But i refuse to start farming!!!!
Posts: 355 | Registered: Apr 2002
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
Raspberry Rabbit...
![[Not worthy!]](graemlins/notworthy.gif)
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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