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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Hell: Cats!
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John Donne
Renaissance Man
# 220
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Posted
I don't usually come here... but I wondered if any of the cat lovers could explain my cat's behaviour. It's a bit of a personal matter. You see, my black cat (age 15) takes the opportunity to lick me when I come out of the shower, usually when I am about to retire. Like any decent person I push him away, but don't want to shout as he is of a rather delicate disposition. While I am snoozing on my bed, he quite purposefully comes and licks my armpit (to my shock and horror). He also licks droplets of water off my arms. I have noticed him doing the same with droplets of water on the shower and bath walls. I provide ample clean drinking water at all times.
Is there some explanation for this behaviour, or should I just resign myself to owning a deviate fetishist cat and buy an electric cattle prodder?
Thankyou,
Coot.
(My white cat grooms my hair extensively while I am asleep, but the black cat's habits need more urgent attention)
Posts: 13667 | From: Perth, W.A. | Registered: May 2001
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Clyde
Shipmate
# 752
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Posted
Dear Coot,
Can't really give you any answers but you might be interested to know that a cat of 15 years old is equivalent to a 76 year old person.
Also cats only do things that they like to do, so maybe you taste rather nice.
Regards
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I've not been on the ship for a long time. I'm very old now and don't like it when the sea gets rough.
Posts: 1279 | From: England. | Registered: Jul 2001
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dolphy
Lady of Perpetual Responsiblity
# 862
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Posted
Right. That does it! Who has stolen all the cat food?
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Looking forward to my rock moving closer again.
Posts: 15134 | From: my camper van | Registered: Jul 2001
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Campbellite
Ut unum sint
# 1202
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Posted
Smiles sweetly to Miss_Molly
But my dear, I don't hate cats at all. In point of fact, I LOVE cats. (With a little salt and pepper.) Besides, there's more to the story. Read on.
Turning to Dolphy
Cat food? I thought cats were food! ![[Devil]](graemlins/devil.gif)
Part the Seventh
Trouble began almost immediately for President Holley after the departure of Prof. Rafinesque. You will recall that Holley was a Unitarian, while the University was run by the Presbyterians. This had not been a problem at first, but in time they felt that his unorthodox position was no longer acceptable. Thus after almost a decade as University President, Holley was asked to resign and he made arangements to return to his native Massachusetts.
Holley and his wife went to Louisville where they took a steamboat to New Orleans. From there they booked passage to Boston. Not long after setting sail, Holley came down with Yellow Fever and died. Because the disease is so highly contageous, they were forced to bury him at sea.
The Curse, of course, was not confined to Holley alone, but included the whole University. It was not long before it's effects were to be felt.
Honor to whom honor is overdue.
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I upped mine. Up yours.
Suffering for Jesus since 1966.
WTFWED?
Posts: 12001 | From: between keyboard and chair | Registered: Aug 2001
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Campbellite
Ut unum sint
# 1202
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Posted
Campbellite observes JediJudy, Dolphy and Miss_Molly waiting in rapt anticipation of the next installment of his tale.
Part the Eighth
Shortly after President Holley's departure and unfortunate demise, The Curse made itself known on the college campus. As you will recall, the whole college was housed in a single building.
Last one evening, it happened. Henry (The Great Compromiser) Clay had a nephew, Cassius Clay who was a student at Transylvania. This was before the "Era of Great Unpleasantness" which some wrongly call the Civil War. (But that is a story for another time.) Young Master Clay had a servant who, in his sleep, inadvertantly knocked over a lamp, which started the fire.
Despite the heroic efforts of students and faculty, the building was a complete loss. They were able to salvage many of the books from the library, as well as many of the priceless medical and other "philosophical" i.e. scientific equipment, and there was miraculously no loss of life. Nevertheless, it was a severe blow to the University.
Much of this early equipment is now displayed at the University museum. One such piece is a twenty foot diameter orrery showing the solar system as understood in the 1830's. It is a marvel of early 19th century mechanics. Only one other original orrery like this exists, in the Smithsonian. Their's does not work, and the glass globe representing the sun is broken. Transylvania's is completely intact, and works as smoothly as the day it was made.
Thanks to the generosity of Charles C. Morrison, however, Transylvania was able to rebuild, moving across the street to the present location. The building, now known as Old Morrison, today serves as the Administration building. The architect for it also designed the Kentucky state capitol building in Frankfort.
Morrison is on the National Register of Historic Buidlings. It was completed on time, under budget, and in the middle fo the worst cholera epidemic in the history of Lexington.
Honor to whom honor is overdue.
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I upped mine. Up yours.
Suffering for Jesus since 1966.
WTFWED?
Posts: 12001 | From: between keyboard and chair | Registered: Aug 2001
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Miss_Molly
Toujours gai
Beloved
# 2339
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Posted
*doing her duty, as always, by introducing a cat related tangent for Tony K's benefit*
By the way, reverend and dearest Sir, why would a cat come when you or a similarly inclined person calls it? They didn't come down in the last shower, you know. (despite the phrase raining cats and dogs)
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"I come from a state that raises corn, and cockleburrs and Democrats, and frothy eloquence neither convinces nor satisfies me. I am from Missouri. You have got to show me"
Congressman Willard Duncan Vandiver at a naval banquet in Philadelphia, 1899
Posts: 1242 | From: home | Registered: Feb 2002
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by The Coot:
Is there some explanation for this behaviour, or should I just resign myself to owning a deviate fetishist cat and buy an electric cattle prodder?
Coot, you should just resign yourself to owning a deviate fetishist cat and buy an electric cat prodder.
Of course, given your cat's eccentric tastes so far, he might well enjoy it.
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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CorgiGreta
Shipmate
# 443
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Posted
I am quite satisfied with my General Patton Professional Model Cat Prodder. It comes with two settings: excruciating and lethal. My only complaint is that after a few thousand uses, it became stuck on lethal. I suppose I could send it back, as it is still under warranty, but why bother?
Greta
Posts: 3677 | Registered: Jun 2001
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Campbellite
Ut unum sint
# 1202
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Miss_Molly:
By the way, reverend and dearest Sir, why would a cat come when you or a similarly inclined person calls it? They didn't come down in the last shower, you know. (despite the phrase raining cats and dogs)
This is why naming the fur-bearing beasts is such an exercize in futility. As a footnote, I understand the French speak of raining picks and shovels ![[Confused]](confused.gif) But then, they ARE French, so there's no explaining them.
Back to our tale.
Part the Ninth.
Many thought that The Curse was done with the Fire. But alas, that was not the case. A fight between the members of the medical school faculty and the administration led them to pack up and move to Louisville, where they were later joined by the faculty of the Law School. This became the nucleus of what is today the University of Louisville. (I think they play basketball there.)
The War of Y*nkee Atrocities led to a general decline in all institutions of higher education. Transylvania was reduced to little more than a high school in the early 1860's. Faculty and students went to fight for the defense of hearth and home against the Northern invaders, but to no avail.
Transylvania University was re-born in 1865 by the Morrell Act (signed by Lincoln) which established the "A&M" colleges. There was a bit of irony in this, as Transylvania was the alma mater of Jefferson Davis, President of the Confederate States.
In a bold move, the old liberal arts college (Transy) was combined with the new federal funded Agricultural and Mechanical College, and a new "College of the Bible". The result was re-baptised "Kentucky University" (This was when we Campbellites gained control of the University from the Presbyterians).
Needless to say, someone screamed bloody murder about the joining of "church and state" and this grand experiment was dissolved, but not before reviving the old school. The original Transylvania remained on it's own campus, with the new College of the Bible occupying one building. The A&M College was moved across town and renamed, "University of Kentucky" (I think they play basketball there, too.)
Honor to whom honor is overdue.
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I upped mine. Up yours.
Suffering for Jesus since 1966.
WTFWED?
Posts: 12001 | From: between keyboard and chair | Registered: Aug 2001
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
I am having horrible visions of Transylvanian cats with three inch gleaming fangs which they then sink into your neck. And you turn into something out of the Rocky Horror Show.
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Campbellite
Ut unum sint
# 1202
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Posted
Shhh.... Ariel, you're getting ahead of things. ![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
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I upped mine. Up yours.
Suffering for Jesus since 1966.
WTFWED?
Posts: 12001 | From: between keyboard and chair | Registered: Aug 2001
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Timothy L
Shipmate
# 2170
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Posted
To bring the subject firmly back to cats, two points:
Here is a Union political cartoon (on an envelope) of Jefferson Davis, one of Transy's most illustrious grads, being mean to a cat.
The University of Kentucky, once yoked to Transy, is home of the Wildcats. You can see a picture of their kitty (named "Blue") here.
And lest folks get the wrong impression, let's remember that Kentucky as a state did not leave the Union during The Late Unpleasantness.
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Timothy
Posts: 757 | From: Kalamazoo | Registered: Jan 2002
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
Campbellite, this has something to do with having spent a horrible night in Exeter recently. Apart from staying in a most unpleasant guesthouse where I was eyeballed at breakfast by a huge ginger cat on the windowsill next to me which fixed me with a malevolent eye and opened its mouth to reveal a set of three inch gleaming fangs, I then went for a walk and found myself going through an underpass painted with vampires, ghosts and black cats. I cut my stay short and left. And I have no intention of ever revisiting Exeter again. Devon is obviously a seriously weird place.
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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Campbellite
Ut unum sint
# 1202
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Posted
Ariel,
I am so sorry to hear of your recent misfortunes in Exeter. I have a spare fireplace poker if you think it would help.
quote:
Originally posted by Timothy L:
And lest folks get the wrong impression, let's remember that Kentucky as a state did not leave the Union during The Late Unpleasantness.
This is true, Timothy L. I got the impression living there that KY did not leave the Union until after the War, and has been fighting it ever since. Also, please note that Confederate General John Hunt Morgan was from Lexington. His home is within sight of Old Morrison, facing Gratz Park.
On the other hand, Mary Lincoln (nee Todd) was also from Lexington. But I degress...
Part the Tenth
In the years following what our esteemed friend Timothy L referred to as the Recent Unpleasantness, (six hundred thousand dead, countless wounded, cities burned, economic and social upheaval, etc. Yes, it WAS unpleasant.) there was a good deal of confusion with University of Kentucky and Kentucky University in the same city. By the 1890's The University decided to restore the name Transylvania University.
Then the ghost of Rafinesque reappears! It seems that by 1910, Pittsburgh had grown to the point that they needed to exhume and relocate the old pauper's graveyard. Rafinesque was dug up, and his mortal remains were sent back to Transylvania.
There, he was laid to rest in a crypt in the south front pediment of Old Morrison, next to his old friend, Professor Bonfils. On top of his sarcophagus was placed a stone with the inscription:
Honor to Whom Honor is Overdue
Constantine Samuel Rafinesque
(The inscription also includes a brief biography.)
Separating his tomb (no relation to our esteemed hellhost of the same name) from the rest of Old Morrison was an open iron gate from which you could see Rafinesque's final resting place.
Honor to whom honor is overdue.
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I upped mine. Up yours.
Suffering for Jesus since 1966.
WTFWED?
Posts: 12001 | From: between keyboard and chair | Registered: Aug 2001
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Timothy L
Shipmate
# 2170
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Posted
quote:
I got the impression living there that KY did not leave the Union until after the War, and has been fighting it ever since.
That's the best thumbnail sketch of Kentucky I've ever read!
quote:
Also, please note that Confederate General John Hunt Morgan was from Lexington.
One of the reasons I said "Kentucky as a state" didn't leave the Union. Many Kentuckians joined the Southron cause, but officially the state never left the Union.
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Timothy
Posts: 757 | From: Kalamazoo | Registered: Jan 2002
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Miss_Molly
Toujours gai
Beloved
# 2339
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Posted
Providing the obligatory reference to cats:
I always wondered why Cardinal Richelieu, archenemy of my role-model D'Artagnan, had cats living with him. Why would these amazing creatures live with such a person?
The answer, it appears, is that he loved cats just about as much as Campbellite! He used these unfortunate felines as food-tasters, rightly fearing retribution for his crimes via poison.
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"I come from a state that raises corn, and cockleburrs and Democrats, and frothy eloquence neither convinces nor satisfies me. I am from Missouri. You have got to show me"
Congressman Willard Duncan Vandiver at a naval banquet in Philadelphia, 1899
Posts: 1242 | From: home | Registered: Feb 2002
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by TonyK:
I am therefore inclined to be merciful and to allow Campbellite to continue, unless I have requests from other regular posters on this thread to the contrary.
Er, right. I see we have now got as far as 1910, and without wishing in any way to be unkind, I'd quite like to get back to the original cat-related subject of this thread, myself. However if other people are enjoying this I don't in any way wish to spoil it for them, and will go and post on other threads instead.
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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Campbellite
Ut unum sint
# 1202
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Posted
Dearest Ariel,
I share your concern regarding the Spawn of Satan (tm) and will be returning us to our regularly scheduled cats shortly. My tail, er, tale is at the request of the gracious JediJudy and Miss_Molly, and I would not wish to disappoint them.
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I upped mine. Up yours.
Suffering for Jesus since 1966.
WTFWED?
Posts: 12001 | From: between keyboard and chair | Registered: Aug 2001
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sharkshooter
Not your average shark
# 1589
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Posted
![[Snore]](graemlins/snore.gif)
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Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer. [Psalm 19:14]
Posts: 7772 | From: Canada; Washington DC; Phoenix; it's complicated | Registered: Oct 2001
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Campbellite
Ut unum sint
# 1202
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Posted
Campbellite scans the room and notices a few nodding off (taking a cat nap, perhaps?) ![[Wink]](wink.gif)
Sharky and Ariel, I DID say at the outset this was a long tale, didn't I? And every word of it is the gospel truth.
Part the Eleventh
It was commonly believed that the re-interment of Professor Rafinesque and the honor bestowed upon him, however belated, would be sufficent to stay The Curse. However, in the late 1950's, a group of students (pre-ministerial, naturally!) realized that there was no honor in forgetting about the dear departed honoree.
Thus was born the unofficial annual celebration of Rafinesque Day. The students checked the inscription on the stone and discovered that Constantine Samuel Rafinesque was born on the last day of October, so in honor of his birthday, this was chosen as the day to celebrate.
The celebration begins with a bonfire, and the members of the Rafinesque Society (in masks, to protect the guilty) induct the new members. Singing (bawdy) songs and offering libations are also part of the occasion. (Hey! It's an excuse for a party, OK?)
Honor to whom honor is overdue.
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I upped mine. Up yours.
Suffering for Jesus since 1966.
WTFWED?
Posts: 12001 | From: between keyboard and chair | Registered: Aug 2001
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dolphy
Lady of Perpetual Responsiblity
# 862
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Posted
--------------------
Looking forward to my rock moving closer again.
Posts: 15134 | From: my camper van | Registered: Jul 2001
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Miss_Molly
Toujours gai
Beloved
# 2339
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Posted
I wish to move a vote of thanks to Campbellite, ever reverend and dear to me despite his invincible ignorance of the correct attitude towards cats, for his interesting and educational story.
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"I come from a state that raises corn, and cockleburrs and Democrats, and frothy eloquence neither convinces nor satisfies me. I am from Missouri. You have got to show me"
Congressman Willard Duncan Vandiver at a naval banquet in Philadelphia, 1899
Posts: 1242 | From: home | Registered: Feb 2002
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sharkshooter
Not your average shark
# 1589
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Posted
(peeking to see if the story is over yet - but thinking there is more...)
(I haven't had this much sleep in a long time)
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Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer. [Psalm 19:14]
Posts: 7772 | From: Canada; Washington DC; Phoenix; it's complicated | Registered: Oct 2001
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Campbellite
Ut unum sint
# 1202
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Posted
Campbellite notices that his pipe has gone out. He tamps it down, re-lights, and savors its aroma.
Thank you dearest Miss_Molly. Despite your falling for the deceptions of the Evil One regarding his demonic minions, I appreciate your vote of confidence. We are now drawing near to the conclusion of our tale.
sounds of cheering from Ariel and Sharky
Right. Enough from the peanut gallery!
Part the Penultimate.
The celebration of Rafinesque Day retained it's un-official status for about a decade, until 1968. For those whose late entry into this world prevents them from remembering those days, 1968 was Not-A-Happy-Year. There was a war raging in Vietnam and on the streets at home. The civil rights movement following the assassination of MLK, Jr. took a nasty, violent turn. The riots of the summer of 1968 had everyone on edge.
Thus the administration of Transylvania took the (well intended) precaution of cancelling any large gathering of students which did not have official university sanction. Rafinesque Day was not to be observed that fateful year.
This proved to be a Bad Decision. After all, the whole purpose of Rafinesque Day was to honor the one to whom honor was overdue, in order to hold off The Curse for another year.
In January 1969, the lights went out on Old Morrison.
Honor to whom honor is overdue.
[Code fixed as requested]
[ 11. October 2002, 10:03: Message edited by: TonyK ]
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I upped mine. Up yours.
Suffering for Jesus since 1966.
WTFWED?
Posts: 12001 | From: between keyboard and chair | Registered: Aug 2001
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Campbellite
Ut unum sint
# 1202
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Posted
Oops! Would some kind hostly type person please fix my code error?
Thanx!
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I upped mine. Up yours.
Suffering for Jesus since 1966.
WTFWED?
Posts: 12001 | From: between keyboard and chair | Registered: Aug 2001
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jedijudy*
Jedi defender of ship's cats
# 1059
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Posted
Fascinating!
Rev. Campbellite, sir! You amaze me! Such a mind to remember minute details from a story such as this! And I have no doubt that this is historical fact!
Excuse me while I fluff up my cushion a bit.
Look! The kitties are sleeping! Awwww, aren't they cute?
Continue, dear sir.
jj
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ENFP...do you see a "T" anywhere??? I don't think so.
Posts: 3248 | From: Soon to be inhabiting identity # 333!!! | Registered: Aug 2001
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TonyK
Host Emeritus
# 35
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Posted
Campbellite
As the only host in this neck of the woods, I have fixed your code - and also deleted an errant apostrophe before the fearsome Tomb (hell host and Apostrophe Crusader) spotted it
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Yours aye ... TonyK
Posts: 2717 | From: Gloucestershire | Registered: May 2001
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Campbellite
Ut unum sint
# 1202
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Posted
Campbellite's pipe is nearing the bottom of the bowl. He savors the last of the aroma as he begins the thirteenth and final installment of his tale.
Part the Thirteenth and Last
The lights went out on Old Morrison one cold snowy night in January 1969. Some students were walking back to their dorms about midnight when they noticed smoke and flames rising from the administration building and notified the fire department. The 150-year-old structure was soon engulfed in fire and there was very little the authorities could do.
The chapel inside had recently been remodeled, and they were able to salvage the newly installed stained glass, but the building was otherwise completely gutted. All that remained was the masonry exterior (four feet thick at the base). The wooden interior, five stories counting the finished basement, was completely consumed by the fire.
When the fire inspectors examined the smoldering remains, they found one thing that defied any explanation. The crypt containing Professors Rafinesque and Bonfils - with its open iron gate - did not even suffer smoke damage! When the structure was rebuilt (now with a steel structure within the original masonry walls) they did not touch the crypt. I have seen it myself.
Needless to say, Rafinesque Day was added to the official University calandar, and has been observed faithfully ever since. They say that if the lights ever go out again on Old Morrison, some great evil will befall the University. For good measure, there is today a heavy steel door separating the crypt from the rest of the restored Old Morrison.
Every word of this is the complete and absolute truth. You can go there re today and see the crypt for yourself.
Honor to whom honor is overdue.
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I upped mine. Up yours.
Suffering for Jesus since 1966.
WTFWED?
Posts: 12001 | From: between keyboard and chair | Registered: Aug 2001
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Campbellite
Ut unum sint
# 1202
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Posted
Ariel? Sharky?
There's a tasty looking kitten in the Revelations thread in heaven. Don't make any sudden moves or loud noises. We might be able to sneak up on....
Oh, Hi Miss_Molly! What's that?
Oh nothing, just out for a little <ahem> stroll.
Whew, that was close.
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I upped mine. Up yours.
Suffering for Jesus since 1966.
WTFWED?
Posts: 12001 | From: between keyboard and chair | Registered: Aug 2001
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Miss_Molly
Toujours gai
Beloved
# 2339
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Posted
*putting away her lightsaber*
Hello reverend and dear sir! Cup of sleepytime tea, perhaps! No trouble to make it!
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"I come from a state that raises corn, and cockleburrs and Democrats, and frothy eloquence neither convinces nor satisfies me. I am from Missouri. You have got to show me"
Congressman Willard Duncan Vandiver at a naval banquet in Philadelphia, 1899
Posts: 1242 | From: home | Registered: Feb 2002
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starbelly
but you can call me Neil
# 25
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Posted
We got a cat today, hurrah!
Neil
Posts: 6009 | From: High Wycombe, Buckinghamshire. | Registered: May 2001
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Chorister
Completely Frocked
# 473
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Posted
What is your new cat called, Starbelly?
We used to have a cat called Jinglebelly (really Jingle, but she got very fat).
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Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.
Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001
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starbelly
but you can call me Neil
# 25
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
What is your new cat called, Starbelly?
We used to have a cat called Jinglebelly (really Jingle, but she got very fat).
Jasmine (not our choice! we think it sounds a bit posh)
Neil
Posts: 6009 | From: High Wycombe, Buckinghamshire. | Registered: May 2001
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Nicolemr
Shipmate
# 28
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Posted
you could call her "jazz" for short, thats nice and snappy.
have i ever mentioned on this thread that my three cats are fafhrd, fluffy, and spyder?
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On pilgrimage in the endless realms of Cyberia, currently traveling by ship. Now with live journal!
Posts: 11803 | From: New York City "The City Carries On" | Registered: May 2001
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
No. You have a spidercat? I don't think I like the sound of that any better than I liked the idea of the vampire cats from Transylvania.
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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Nicolemr
Shipmate
# 28
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Posted
spyder is actually more akin to a mobile plush toy. i have wondered if he is in part the breed known as a "ragdoll" cat. read about ragdolls here.
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On pilgrimage in the endless realms of Cyberia, currently traveling by ship. Now with live journal!
Posts: 11803 | From: New York City "The City Carries On" | Registered: May 2001
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The Mid
Officer and a gentleman
# 1559
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Posted
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!
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For God so loved the world She got involved
Posts: 3022 | From: The Wardroom | Registered: Oct 2001
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Campbellite
Ut unum sint
# 1202
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Posted
We may have had this posted at some time in the past, but it bears repeating: ![[Sunny]](graemlins/flowerface.gif)
How to give a cat a pill:
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How to give a dog a pill:
1) Wrap it in bacon.
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I upped mine. Up yours.
Suffering for Jesus since 1966.
WTFWED?
Posts: 12001 | From: between keyboard and chair | Registered: Aug 2001
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TonyK
Host Emeritus
# 35
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Posted
Following the recent postings, I add this for your delectation.... (Rather long, I'm afraid)
Additional verses from Genesis
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "Not a problem! I will create a companion for you that will be a reflection of my love for you. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "Not a problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of own name, and you will call him Dog."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.
And Adam was comforted...
And God was pleased...
And Dog was content and wagged his tail...
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."
And the Lord said, "Not a problem! I will create for him a companion who will see him as he is and will remind him of his status."
And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam.
And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And so Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased...
And Dog was happy and wagged his tail...
And Adam was greatly improved....
And Cat did not care one way or the other.
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Yours aye ... TonyK
Posts: 2717 | From: Gloucestershire | Registered: May 2001
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da_musicman
Shipmate
# 1018
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Posted
I like that TonyK. Do you think we can get it in the Canon?
Posts: 3202 | From: The Dreaming | Registered: Jul 2001
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dolphy
Lady of Perpetual Responsiblity
# 862
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Posted
Try this!!!!
Cats Rule!
(just hope it works!!!)
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Looking forward to my rock moving closer again.
Posts: 15134 | From: my camper van | Registered: Jul 2001
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TonyK
Host Emeritus
# 35
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by da_musicman:
I like that TonyK. Do you think we can get it in the Canon?
I'd like to think so - but doubt we would succeed.
Actually I wouldn't know where to start!!
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Yours aye ... TonyK
Posts: 2717 | From: Gloucestershire | Registered: May 2001
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Miss_Molly
Toujours gai
Beloved
# 2339
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Posted
Just checking to make sure no cats are being harmed.
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"I come from a state that raises corn, and cockleburrs and Democrats, and frothy eloquence neither convinces nor satisfies me. I am from Missouri. You have got to show me"
Congressman Willard Duncan Vandiver at a naval banquet in Philadelphia, 1899
Posts: 1242 | From: home | Registered: Feb 2002
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
(Inspired by Campbellite's reminiscences about Transylvania, I thought we might get a serial going:)
Jeff looked at the cat, and the cat looked back at him. He'd never liked them much as a species and the feeling was clearly mutual, but he had inherited it from his elderly Aunt Jane together with a legacy that had come just in time to pay off some of his bills, and he felt obliged to look after it. It was, he understood, a Transylvanian Blue and its name – he looked at the letter again but Aunt Jane’s handwriting was sadly illegible. "She answers to her name," she'd said. "If she gets a bit naughty, just call her by it and she’ll stop."
Jeff read through the instructions. The cat seemed fairly easy to cater for, and usually liked to fend for itself and to be out a lot. "Just one thing," Aunt Jane had added. "She doesn't like garlic."
"Well," said Jeff, folding up the letter and putting it away, "I'm hardly likely to feed you garlic. Pity I can’t read your name, but I'll call you Blue until I find out what it is." He supposed he might as well try to build up an amicable relationship with it as he was stuck with it, and awkwardly bent down to pet it. As he did so a shower of coloured sparks shot out of its fur, and he thought he caught a glimpse of gleaming three inch fangs. It was then that he remembered that Aunt Jane had been, as one might say, a little peculiar.
(Please feel free to continue)
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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jedijudy*
Jedi defender of ship's cats
# 1059
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Posted
LOL, Ariel!
Jeff, (AKA St. Sebastian) hadn't realized how strong a static electricity charge can feel while standing on a new carpet. (Well, he had the inheritance, didn't he? Might as well get something nice for his hovel.) The vision of the fangs bothered him, as he wasn't quite sure how badly he had been shocked. Was that a vision? Or was he going to have to < gasp! > see a doctor for strange hallucinations?
Jeff picked up Blue, wondering if Auntie's neighbors had any clue of the cat's proper name. He then put the pretty red and green rocks his Aunt had also left to him in a small velvet bag.
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ENFP...do you see a "T" anywhere??? I don't think so.
Posts: 3248 | From: Soon to be inhabiting identity # 333!!! | Registered: Aug 2001
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Flausa
Mad Woman
# 3466
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Posted
All right - another cat lover here. My cat Jeter, however, is extraordinary. He's a baseball fan and a great cuddler. He has the world's best purr. He kills all the huge Florida cockroaches that enter the house. He also terrorizes my housemate's cat (which totally cracks me up). He keeps my feet warm at night and wakes me up in the morning. He greets me when I come in the door after work. With a cat like him, who needs a husband - not me!
Posts: 4610 | From: bonny Scotland | Registered: Oct 2002
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Miss_Molly
Toujours gai
Beloved
# 2339
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Posted
Good grief! I have to patrol for kryptonite down here, too? ![[brick wall]](graemlins/brick_wall.gif)
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"I come from a state that raises corn, and cockleburrs and Democrats, and frothy eloquence neither convinces nor satisfies me. I am from Missouri. You have got to show me"
Congressman Willard Duncan Vandiver at a naval banquet in Philadelphia, 1899
Posts: 1242 | From: home | Registered: Feb 2002
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
Jeff looked doubtfully at the red and green rocks, and picked up the smallest green one. It felt surprisingly light and rough in his hand. He had no idea what it was, or whether it even was really a rock. He became aware that Blue was staring at him with undivided attention, its eyes glowing a sudden luminous green. He sniffed the piece of rock, and found that it smelt fruity, and on impulse, popped it into his mouth, and discovered that it was a misshapen, slightly fuzzy, lime flavoured boiled sweet.
It was at that point that he noticed the cat beginning to grow rapidly in size. The green eyes fixed him with a malevolent stare, and an evil voice said in his mind, "I am your master, and I will have what is due to me!"
This time, there was no mistaking the three inch gleaming fangs, nor the way they felt as they sank into his neck. Jeff passed out, and when he came to, he was alone and the cat had gone, leaving him with a pain in the neck and a bag of ancient, fuzzy, boiled sweets.
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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Smudgie
Ship's Barnacle
# 2716
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Ariel:
Jeff passed out, and when he came to, he was alone and the cat had gone, leaving him with a pain in the neck and a bag of ancient, fuzzy, boiled sweets.
Ariel, that's no way to describe our Miss Molly!
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Miss you, Erin.
Posts: 14382 | From: Under the duvet | Registered: Apr 2002
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