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» Ship of Fools   » Ship's Locker   » Limbo   » Hell: The Kingdom of Gerald (Page 2)

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Source: (consider it) Thread: Hell: The Kingdom of Gerald
Horselover Fat
Apprentice
# 3384

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quote:
Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:
Did you sign up to this message board just to ask that question? Bless you, my child.

Well, since I'm here... any spiritual advice for feelings of inadequacy caused by signing up to a message board and finding you have nothing to contribute?

HF

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"In the midst of death, we are in life"

Posts: 5 | From: account disabled | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012

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Well Rev mate, you've gone on to two pages. I believe the thread toll increases now. And I could do with some money to fund my drinking. Tomb, how much more it is now?

Viki, impecunious hellhost

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“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”

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starbelly
but you can call me Neil
# 25

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Rev,

I will be embarking on the task of providing sandwiches for a large amount of students after church today, what fillings do you recommend? should I have contact with these kind of people or stay firmly in the kitchen? (I hear many are into drunkeness, orgies and illegal copying of Shania Twain CD's - not to mention their studies of Secular and Unworldly subjects such as biology)

Yours hopefully,
Neil

Posts: 6009 | From: High Wycombe, Buckinghamshire. | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Rev. Gerald Ambulance

Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359

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Sibling Ian
Grace, mercy and peace to you!
Where you are going, you'll certainly be needing it.


If you're talking about Leeds, I already went.

Of late, I find myself increasingly being "slain in the spirit". The last time was in the High Street last Saturday afternoon. Fortunately the police lab lost the blood sample so the case against me had to be dropped. Is there any way this embarassment can be avoided?

Certainly. You must learn to spot the warning signs:

1. A growing feeling of charismatic ecstasy.

2. An unconquerable urge to stand up, close your eyes, stretch your arms in the air to the greater glory of Jesus, and start swaying slightly, possibly on tiptoe, in an unstable manner.

3. A hand on your chest, probably belonging to a prayerfully-mumbling church steward.

(Here is the kind of thing to look out for.)

By the time you get to (3) it's probably too late, so as soon as you get to (1) you need to take action:

1. Stand with your feet firmly on the ground and 18" apart, and with your hands in your pockets.

2. Breathe normally.

3. Start singing a stout uncharismatic hymn. My own "Chastise us, Consubstantial Son" has never been known to induce wobbly reactions - despite all endeavour - so what better choice?

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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)

Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Rev. Gerald Ambulance

Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359

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Wood
I have been suffering from the attacks of the demons of insomnia recently.
Can you recommend a good exorcist?


The best exorcist I know is me, but bearing in mind your chosen career I doubt very much that you can afford me.

I could register a formal complaint with the demons for a very reasonable starting price, but to be honest that is not going to achieve the kind of tangible benefits I imagine you're after. This kind requires much prayer, fasting and money.

I could put you in touch with a colleague in Swansea, William Williams or "Bill the Broom" as I believe he is known, but I have to say I think you'd be better off with a milky drink.

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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)

Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
tomb
Shipmate
# 174

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quote:
Originally posted by sarkycow:
Well Rev mate, you've gone on to two pages. I believe the thread toll increases now. And I could do with some money to fund my drinking. Tomb, how much more it is now?

Viki, impecunious hellhost

Well, I'm getting my payments regularly. Guido the lizardman and Thor--he of the dragonbreath--seem to be doing a nice job of collections for me. At 10% of gross, it's a bargain. Surely you don't mean to imply that you're asking the fauxrev for money, do you? Honey, I gave up on invoices a long, long time ago.
Posts: 5039 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012

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quote:
Originally posted by tomb:
Surely you don't mean to imply that you're asking the fauxrev for money, do you? Honey, I gave up on invoices a long, long time ago.

Not asking so much as gently hinting he owes me more dosh.

Though he has paid up for this page (eventually) now.

Viki, hellhost with beer money

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“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”

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JimT

Ship'th Mythtic
# 142

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Rev. Gerald,

I am a first time poster, long time fan. Have you received significant competition from NickA and The Revival Fellowship International? They are quite aggressive in their spiritual marketing techniques (nearly cultish) and offer assurance that the British Monarchy can be traced to King David. In addition, the patterns of vowels and consonants in the King James Version at the end of Mark underscore the absolute need for public prophesy in tongues if one hopes to avoid Hellfire.

I would guess that they offer even a superstar of your proportions keen competition. No?

Posts: 2619 | From: Now On | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Laudate Dominum
Shipmate
# 3104

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Rev. Gerald,

I think the organ at our church is inhabited by a demon. Any suggestions for exorcising it?

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"They think us barbarians because we cling to the past. We think them barbarians because they do not cling to the past." --G.K. Chesterton

Posts: 518 | From: Lala Land | Registered: Jul 2002  |  IP: Logged
Rev. Gerald Ambulance

Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359

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Al Eluia
Rev. Gerald: Why can't the person with the walking dilemma just drive to church like good American Christians?

Listen you inappropriately depicted individual, if you have a question or comment for another member of this online congregation, you should address it to them, not me.

Wasting the time of one of the most highly sort after genuinely anointed celebrities in Christendom could earn you up to a year in purgatory per minute. That means each word I pour forth now for your rebuke is worth about a fortnight of fleshburning sulphur.

Bethink yourself well before you speak again.

What advice do you have for someone who feels a call to be an Anglican street preacher?

Find yourself a less abominable denomination.

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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)

Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Rev. Gerald Ambulance

Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359

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Anna B
If the kingdom of Gerald is within me, why doesn't it prevent nausea?

I don't recall saying that the Kingdom of Gerald is within you. I've never even met you, let alone performed a discernmentographical test on the state of your soul.

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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)

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Al Eluia

Inquisitor
# 864

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Dear Rev:

My wife gave me your book for my birthday. I am being blessed by it immensely so far and will be spreading your message throughout the Seattle area as soon as I become less spiritually lukewarm.

I'd like you to settle a long-standing dispute between my wife and me about a hymn lyric: "Guide me, O thou great Jehovah." Our hymnal gives the refrain as "feed me now and ever more." She insists it should be "feed me till I want no more," which is the version she grew up with. I realize this hymn is not on a par with "O God You're Really Lord," but which version is correct?

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starbelly
but you can call me Neil
# 25

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quote:
Originally posted by Al Eluia:
I realize this hymn is not on a par with "O God You're Really Lord," but which version is correct?

As an aside, a local church has been rumoured to have changed the words to that great and blessed song.

It now runs O God, You're really God / come and worship at Exeter pentecostal fellowship / you stupid sod.

I hope the Rev is going to take legal action.

Neil

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sophs

Sardonic Angel
# 2296

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Rev.Gerald,
I wonder if you could help me with a spiritual dilema i am faced with once again, once again, when walking into a church service, there is the choice of a beanbag or a chair to sit on.
Which should i sit?
In desparation,
sophs [Frown]

Posts: 5407 | From: searching saharas of sorrow | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged
Ultraspike

Incensemeister
# 268

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Dear Rev,

Is it true that all is fair in love and war? Okay, let's skip war and concentrate on love. Where does a good Christian woman draw the line when it comes to seduction? Or indeed should a good Christian woman even be thinking of seduction? I ask this for a friend of mine who's thinking of trying to steal another woman's woman. I don't know what advice to give her so perhaps you could help, hoping this isn't too shocking a case for you.

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A cowgirl's work is never done.

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Laudate Dominum
Shipmate
# 3104

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Dear Rev. Gerald,

Please help me with the question above! The demon inhabiting our church's organ is behaving very badly indeed now, in fact, it has begun to make the organ play at totally inappropriate times! Please, is there a way to rid ourselves of this evil spirit?

--Desperate Choir Girl

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"They think us barbarians because we cling to the past. We think them barbarians because they do not cling to the past." --G.K. Chesterton

Posts: 518 | From: Lala Land | Registered: Jul 2002  |  IP: Logged
Ultraspike

Incensemeister
# 268

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Did the Rev forget to pay his Hell tithe? It's just like the old days, waiting for Gezza... [Snore] [brick wall] [Snore]

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A cowgirl's work is never done.

Posts: 2732 | From: NYC | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Rev per Minute
Shipmate
# 69

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quote:
Originally posted by Al Eluia:
I'd like you to settle a long-standing dispute between my wife and me about a hymn lyric: "Guide me, O thou great Jehovah." Our hymnal gives the refrain as "feed me now and ever more." She insists it should be "feed me till I want no more," which is the version she grew up with. I realize this hymn is not on a par with "O God You're Really Lord," but which version is correct?

In the absence of his most reverend Ambulanceship, may I offer this as evidence? As the words were originally in Welsh, it depends (as ever) on the translation.

Most of us, sadly, only ever sing it at rugby matches... [Roll Eyes]

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"Allons-y!" "Geronimo!" "Oh, for God's sake!" The Day of the Doctor

At the end of the day, we face our Maker alongside Jesus. RIP ken

Posts: 2696 | From: my desk (if I can find the keyboard under this mess) | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Gill H

Shipmate
# 68

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I would not presume to speak for the Blessed Rev Gerald, but an answer to sophs' dilemma occurs to me.

Sister sophs, if you were attending a proper spirit-filled church, everyone would fall to the floor the moment they entered, thus removing the need for either chairs or bean-bags. Problem solved!

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*sigh* We can’t all be Alan Cresswell.

- Lyda Rose

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Zach82
Shipmate
# 3208

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Have a praise team march around it seven times, strumming guitaurs and banging tambourines, whilst waving praise flags. After they've marched around it seven times, have them all blow shofars, which should drive the demon from the organ.

Zach

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Don't give up yet, no, don't ever quit/ There's always a chance of a critical hit. Ghost Mice

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Anselmina
Ship's barmaid
# 3032

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Hey, this is just like an interregnum; when the minister b*****s off for x-number of months and the congregation get on (sometimes quite successfully!) with the task of solving their own problems.

Power to the People! [Yipee]

Down with the clergy! [Devil]

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Irish dogs needing homes! http://www.dogactionwelfaregroup.ie/ Greyhounds and Lurchers are shipped over to England for rehoming too!

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Miffy

Ship's elephant
# 1438

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quote:
Originally posted by Zach82:
Have a praise team march around it seven times, strumming guitaurs and banging tambourines, whilst waving praise flags. After they've marched around it seven times, have them all blow shofars, which should drive the demon from the organ.

Zach

Plus any self-respecting organist, zach!

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"I don't feel like smiling." "You're English dear; fake it!" (Colin Firth "Easy Virtue")
Growing Greenpatches

Posts: 4739 | From: The Kitchen | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
Rev per Minute
Shipmate
# 69

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quote:
Originally posted by Anselmina:
Hey, this is just like an interregnum; when the minister b*****s off for x-number of months and the congregation get on (sometimes quite successfully!) with the task of solving their own problems.

The Church Times the week before last stated:

  • It used to be said that nothing should be changed during an interregnum — not even to put everything back to the way it was during the incumbency before last. [Roll Eyes]
We used to have a curate for the good Reverend - but I can't remember if it was The Coot or Nunc Dimittis!! The trouble with interregnums (interregna?) is that they come to an end... [Waterworks]

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"Allons-y!" "Geronimo!" "Oh, for God's sake!" The Day of the Doctor

At the end of the day, we face our Maker alongside Jesus. RIP ken

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Ultraspike

Incensemeister
# 268

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Yes, Coot did indeed give us very sound advice during that previous period when the Rev left us high and dry. Perhaps he could help with my friend's problem. She's got sort of a date tomorrow night with object of affection and could use some pointers, as it were.

Coot! Coot! Coot! Coot! [Help]

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A cowgirl's work is never done.

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Zach82
Shipmate
# 3208

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Well, if the organist, ~must~ go the High-Church road, then there is a less effective method.

Jam as many Miraculous Mary medals you can find into the organ pipes. You will need thousands of medals, because you really need to pack the things in. Then have the local convent say 8,000 decades of the rosary over it.

Have the priest prepare 500 gallons of holy water, and top off the air pumps. Turn on the organ, and press all the keys down.

Assuming you've jammed enough medals into the pipes, the pressure should build up, and Miraculous Mary Medals and gallons of holy water will be forcefully ejected, spewing about the church. The demon should be ejected with the explosion of medals and holy water.

Zach

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Don't give up yet, no, don't ever quit/ There's always a chance of a critical hit. Ghost Mice

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Al Eluia

Inquisitor
# 864

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quote:
Originally posted by Rhisiart:
In the absence of his most reverend Ambulanceship, may I offer this as evidence? As the words were originally in Welsh, it depends (as ever) on the translation.

Well, that certainly clears it up!

[Shame about your UBB code up.]

[ 07. November 2002, 23:50: Message edited by: sarkycow ]

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Consider helping out the Anglican Seminary in El Salvador with a book or two! https://www.amazon.es/registry/wishlist/YDAZNSAWWWBT/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_ep_ws_7IRSzbD16R9RQ
https://www.episcopalcafe.com/a-seminary-is-born-in-el-salvador/

Posts: 1157 | From: Seattle | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
duchess

Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764

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Rev. Gerald Ambulance, I heard a rumor you are off in Siberia, handing out Jack Chick tracts translated into Russian. Pray tell me that this isn't so.

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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party

Posts: 11197 | From: Do you know the way? | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged
Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012

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I heard he had to excommunicate himself from his own church, because he momentarily started caring about others, and then wouldn't repent.

But that could just be a vicious rumour I'm starting.

Viki

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“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”

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ChrisT

One of the Good Guys™
# 62

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Is the Rev undercover on the Speaking In Tongues thread in heaven?

--------------------
Firmly on dry land

Posts: 6489 | From: Here, there and everywhere | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Carys

Ship's Celticist
# 78

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Rhisiart wrote
quote:
In the absence of his most reverend Ambulanceship, may I offer this as evidence? As the words were originally in Welsh, it depends (as ever) on the translation.

I feel I need to point out that the Welsh words quoted are in fact an entirely different hymn (Wele'n sefyll rhwng y myrtwydd) by Ann Griffiths, which is the hymn set to Cwm Rhondda in Caneuon Ffydd. The Welsh original of 'Guide me O thou great Jehovah (Redeemer)' is Arglwydd, arwain drwy'r anialwch but the English words are different enough such that it is not really possible to call it a translation, rather there is an English version. Because of this, it is not really possible to use the Welsh as a basis for proving which English version is correct. In fact there are at least three places with variants in the English 'Jehovah/Redeemer' (I believe Redeemer is the more recent), 'evermore/want no more' and 'songs of praise' or 'songs and praises'

Carys

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O Lord, you have searched me and know me
You know when I sit and when I rise

Posts: 6896 | From: Bryste mwy na thebyg | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Anselmina
Ship's barmaid
# 3032

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As the good Reverend has gone on sabbatical I suggest we do a bit of church re-ordering...

We could do with losing those pews for a start....

And how about moving the piano to the other side of the chancel?

Making a coffee bar out of the clergy vestry would be a fantastic idea (we could stash the whiskey in the safe with the Vino Sacre).

And I've got some very old 'Hymns Ancient and Mouldy' that we could replace our current song-books with....

And robes for the choir?? Or should we get waistcoats and bow-ties?

His Reverence will never notice.

Oh, and what about replacing the pulpit with a Power Point presentation.

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Irish dogs needing homes! http://www.dogactionwelfaregroup.ie/ Greyhounds and Lurchers are shipped over to England for rehoming too!

Posts: 10002 | From: Scotland the Brave | Registered: Jul 2002  |  IP: Logged
Rev. Gerald Ambulance

Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359

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Beloved Siblings and other whingers

You will be delighted to know that my earthly amanuensis is returned from his month's paternity leave (looking like he just returned from Lebanese captivity and smelling of sick, but then he usually does when he's been on holiday).

I will apologise for any inconvenience or truth-deprivation my silence has caused you the day my brain is turned to puréed squid.

RGA

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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)

Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Rev. Gerald Ambulance

Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359

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Now, where was I?

Welsh Dragon
How should a nice Christian girl indicate affection to a very proper Christian young man in a modest but unambiguous way that would not be mistaken as an Occasion for Sin or an attempted seduction?

Well, Welsh, what I do when I want to communicate my feelings to others is to tell them what they are.

If however by "modest but unambiguous" you mean you don't want to put it into words but also don't want to be mistaken, you need a system of recognised code.

Say to him, "Let's establish a code so that we can communicate with each other without words. For example, if I flap my hands about in front of my face it means I fancy you."

Then flap your hands about in front of the face. I'm sure he'll get the message.

And how does headship come into this? (I was brought up as a Catholic and it's not a term they used at my convent school.)

It could not be more important. You should tell him from the start that when you get married you will be happy to give all headship to him. I'm sure you can come up with a gesture for "giving headship."

It is vital to the happiness and success of a marriage that the wife should learn to give headship to her husband. How sad that so many women in this godless age find the idea unnatural and repellent. Even some of the most devout young wives find it hard to swallow.

[Amanuensis duties.]

[ 11. November 2002, 21:47: Message edited by: SteveTom ]

Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
ken
Ship's Roundhead
# 2460

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quote:
Originally posted by Ultraspike:
Yes, Coot did indeed give us very sound advice during that previous period when the Rev left us high and dry.

Dunno about you but this ranting Roundhead
has never been High and Dry, even when bereft of the Rev. Gerald's spiritual guidance.

By the way, Rev. Gerald, I notice you never explained the reason for your recent unwonted lack of attention to the flock. Should I tell the assembled devotees about that very strange man passed out all weekend in the corner of the Rising Sun in Loampit Vale?

Posts: 39579 | From: London | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012

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quote:
Originally posted by ken:
Should I tell the assembled devotees about that very strange man passed out all weekend in the corner of the Rising Sun in Loampit Vale?

I may waive your stupidity tax if you do.

Viki

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“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”

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duchess

Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764

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Rev. Gerald Ambulance, please give a 35 year old lady some pointers on staying pure, single and holy. Your sage advice is sorely needed. How does one make this a sacrifice of praise to God?

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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party

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tomb
Shipmate
# 174

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The check finally cleared yesterday, and the Rev. Gerald is re-admitted to his See. Sorry I was remiss in notifying his flock of his unintended but not unexpected absence, given the disastrous state of his exchequer.
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Rev. Gerald Ambulance

Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359

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May I urge as many of you as possible - i.e. all of you - to join in with tomorrow's March Against Badness wherever you may be at 11am GMT 13 November.

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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)

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Ultraspike

Incensemeister
# 268

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Okay, quit tootin' yer horn, Rev, and give us some answers. Either that or let Coot take over. You've neglected your flock here for your worldly concerns long enuff. [Disappointed]

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A cowgirl's work is never done.

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duchess

Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764

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ah.....argh...ditto!
(said with much dripping respect)

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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party

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Rev. Gerald Ambulance

Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359

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DP
Dear Father (or Mother, these days. Hahahahahahahahahaha.)
What translation of the Bible should we be reading?


The vast majority at St Ursula's read the New International Version, being fans of global homogeneity and irresistible marketing. It's so refreshing to read a translation that manages to bring out the Christian orthodoxy of the Old Testament - and the New for that matter - in a way that more pedantic translations fail to. It's also more valuable for pointscoring against Catholics than more literal translations.

However it repeatedly fails to take into account the light shone on the Scriptures by the full truth of High Pentecostal-Reformed theology. For example, for Matthew 23:9 it has "And do not call anyone on earth 'father'" which would be a very strange rule indeed! But what Jesus actually taught - as I have revealed in my recent publication Thoughts on the Way to the Supermarket was "Do not call anyone on earth 'pater'", which when you think about it makes a lot more sense. Unless you're Greek, which of course you're not.

A couple of un-self-conscious souls at St U's read the Good News Bible, which I can't really approve of, because Bible-reading was never intended to be enjoyable.

Sibling Ann van Schnitzel struts about with a New Revised Standard (Love me I'm clever) Version. What posesses these translators to insist on sticking like glue to the original meaning of the old foreign language versions, whatever damage it may cause... and then stick "and women too" into every other verse?

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for giving the ladies their due and including them as much as possible in the life of the church, but where will it stop?

quote:
Psalm 8:4
What is man, woman, child, old person, middle-aged or dead, of every ethnic background, religion and sexuality, and of every other categorisation including those which have not yet become socio-political issues, that you are mindful of him or her,
the son, daughter, mother, father, aunt, uncle, cousin of either sex, or any forebear, descendent or other relation - by birth, adoption or technologies not yet in place - of the aforesaid individual, that you care for him/her/it/them/me or anyone else?

I think it's time I produced my own translation. I did once embark on a new translation of the Old Testament from the Hebrew, but it didn't get very far. I think it was a rather over-literal rendering: all the words were back to front which made it difficult to read.

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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)

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Rev. Gerald Ambulance

Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359

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I should add that Sibling Norman will only use the King James version, which he insists is the one authoritative Bible and the only version permissible in public worship.

He makes a very strong case, but since he can't read a single verse of it aloud without swallowing his tongue, I remain to be convinced.

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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)

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Laura
General nuisance
# 10

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quote:
Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:
I should add that Sibling Norman will only use the King James version, which he insists is the one authoritative Bible and the only version permissible in public worship.

He makes a very strong case, but since he can't read a single verse of it aloud without swallowing his tongue, I remain to be convinced.

Dear Rev. Gerald,

In connection with the issue of Bible translations, I recently found an "Empress Catherine" version of the Bible at a used book stall, which proved to contain what I thought was an unorthodox translation, especially of the following passages (offered here in the more holy KJV: 2 Samuel 8:4 and of 2 Kings 3:7.

Is the ECV, to your knowledge, an authorized version?

[ 13. November 2002, 16:31: Message edited by: Laura ]

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Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence. - Erich Fromm

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Zach82
Shipmate
# 3208

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My pastor once dispelled with the Bible altogether and had a Christian music video projected on to the OHP screen.

It was all very spiritual.

The Word of the Lord Almighty never seemed to make so much sense until it was sung by a middle-aged woman with her blouse neckline cut teasingly low as she waved her arms about in the air.

I assume the Holy Spirit took over at the moment, because people were jumping out of their pews and running about for the sheer spirituality of the moment, though I do wonder why the Spirit made them run out the doors.... [Confused]

Now, my question dear His Holiness Rev Gerald, is how one should properly implement the music-video-scripture system. How would one bearing the Sciptures in the procession carry the entire vido-cassette-projector aloft, considering the projector's weight?

Perhaps you could suggest some liturgical video-cassette projectors for people who wish to implement the the music-video-scripture system as well....

Sibling Zach, Reconciling Confessing Evangelical United Methodist Episcopalian

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Don't give up yet, no, don't ever quit/ There's always a chance of a critical hit. Ghost Mice

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Rev. Gerald Ambulance

Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359

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Sibling Horsefat Lover
Well, since I'm here... any spiritual advice for feelings of inadequacy caused by signing up to a message board and finding you have nothing to contribute?


You don't make it clear, Sibling Horse, whether you wish to stimulate feelings of inadequacy or diminish them.

If you wish to stimulate them, you need to make your inadequacy obvious to fellow shipmates to invite their ridicule.
Post in Hell things like "I think you're all wrong and stupid, but I don't know why".
Go to Purgatory and write posts saying things like "Errr...".
Better to avoid Heaven, as you'll find it hard to stand out from the crowd by having nothing to say there.

If you wish to diminish them go to Heaven.

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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)

Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
ChrisT

One of the Good Guys™
# 62

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I note with disgust the lack of friendly and adoring welcoming posts that mark the return of our beloved Reverend after his lengthy trip.

It's good to have you back with us, Rev. Hell hasn't been the same without you.

Now onto more pressing matters. How far is too far? I speak, obviously, of the verse that states 'if a man presses you to go with him for one mile, go with him for two'. My dilemma is this; if the man is taking a long walk off a short cliff, and wants me to go with him, should I accompany him on his journey to an unfortunate end? I am loath to disobey the Scriptures, especially where a dubious and fluid explanation can be assigned to the text.

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Firmly on dry land

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MrSponge2U

Ship’s scrub
# 3076

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Your Reverendship, Sir,

I have been lately dealing with temptation concerning my finances. Namely, I have been feeling temptation to give large amounts of money to your ministry, which is money that I feel could be better served in buying beer and other things for myself, which is my right as an American! How may I mortify the flesh and overcome this temptation?

Your humble servant,
Mr. Juice

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sig? what sig?

Posts: 3558 | From: where two big rivers meet | Registered: Jul 2002  |  IP: Logged
Rev. Gerald Ambulance

Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359

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Sibling Starbelly

I will be embarking on the task of providing sandwiches for a large amount of students after church today, what fillings do you recommend? should I have contact with these kind of people or stay firmly in the kitchen?

My first recommendation is that you you ask such questions at least a month in advance, rather than the same day.

My second recommendation is, for a sandwich filling, Marmite. It's cheap, and it's in the Bible.

As for the question of having contact, you probably expect me to say remain in the kitchen to avoid pollution. But no, I know you are a great man of faith and spiritual warfare, so I give you permission to go among those young people in the body - ever remaining spiritually in the kitchen - and witness unto them with your aura of holiness and sanctification.

Avoid all eye contact - and any other kind of contact obviously - and make no conversation. If anyone talks to you, just give them an out of focus smile, and waft meekly away.

But be alert, Sibling, and at the first hint of midriffs, any other kind of riffs, or animal liberation, run for it.

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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)

Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
ken
Ship's Roundhead
# 2460

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Sib SB should try curried egg mayonnaise with ham and baby octopus. That will maximise the number of weaker brethren who will abstain, thus helping them with their diets, and leaving more for the rest of us with more robust consciences.
Posts: 39579 | From: London | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
babybear
Bear faced and cheeky with it
# 34

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Dear Rev. Gerald,

I have been making a little avatar gallery suitable for use by shipmates. I was wondering if I might be allowed to draw people's attention to 3 lovely Rev. inspired avatars.

There is an image of you sitting addressing the masses at Greenbelt. Another is simply an image of your feet, the laces of your trainers we are not worthy to untie, and lastly a golden fish on the hem of your garment (that we are not worthy to touch) a b

Posts: 13287 | From: Cottage of the 3 Bears (and The Gremlin) | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged



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