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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Hell: The Kingdom of Gerald
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Rev. Gerald Ambulance
Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359
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Posted
Sibling Bear
I have been making a little avatar gallery suitable for use by shipmates. I was wondering if I might be allowed to draw people's attention to 3 lovely Rev. inspired avatars.
Yes.
[No.]
[ 30. November 2002, 01:05: Message edited by: tomb ]
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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)
Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001
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Stoo
Mighty Pirate
# 254
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Posted
Mr. Ambulance...
What has happened to your avatar?
Has it been raptured?
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This space left blank
Posts: 5266 | From: the director of "Bikini Traffic School" | Registered: May 2001
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Rev. Gerald Ambulance
Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359
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Posted
Sibling Cow
quote:
Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:
<yadda yadda yadda>
You have the gift of interpretation in mighty abundance, sibling. Let us join in thanks for that word.
Not tending your flock caused me to get a load of distraught emails from the pathetic lot who follow you.
I think complaining to me about emails from my wayward and incorrigibly gormless followers is as misdirected as their complaining to you about my absence, isn't it?
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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)
Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001
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MrSponge2U
Ship’s scrub
# 3076
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Posted
Right Reverend (or Left Reverend, whichever you prefer):
There is something else I must humbly ask. I have been watching the Teleevangelists Network on TV, and as I watch the women who frequent these shows, with their beautiful big hair and all those layers of wonderful makeup, I have to admit that I have had feelings of lust in my heart. How can a young man keep his way pure in the face of such temptation?
Your servant,
Mr. Juice
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sig? what sig?
Posts: 3558 | From: where two big rivers meet | Registered: Jul 2002
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Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012
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Posted
Yo, Rev.
What is the proper and Godly way to keep all your sock puppets in order, so that you don't post under the wrong name?
Viki
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“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”
Posts: 10787 | Registered: Jul 2001
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JimT
Ship'th Mythtic
# 142
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Posted
Me next! Me next! Me next! Me next!
Posts: 2619 | From: Now On | Registered: May 2001
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duchess
Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764
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Posted
Jim T, whatever it is, it can wait. Patience is a joy. Have a beer while you wait. ![[Angel]](graemlins/angel.gif)
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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party
Posts: 11197 | From: Do you know the way? | Registered: May 2002
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JimT
Ship'th Mythtic
# 142
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Posted
Whatever it is?! You would trivialize the my momentous suffering? Heartless one!!
quote:
Rev Gerald, this brings me to my problem. I have no idea how to behave sexually and Jesus offers no example for me to follow. So I want to follow your example. Exactly. Please tell me exactly how you behave sexually so that I can do the same exact thing and know for an absolute certainty that I am good and Godly. Pictures are unnecessary but a detailed schedule would be helpful. If you don't mind, please answer this question in less time than you took on my last one. If it takes you a month, I'm sure that I'm going to sin in the meantime.
Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!
Posts: 2619 | From: Now On | Registered: May 2001
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duchess
Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764
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Posted
Jim T, I think if you look at the post the Great Rev. addressed to me, you will find your answer. ![[Not worthy!]](graemlins/notworthy.gif) [hint: I am sure he is speaking from past experience].
Perhaps this will quench you suffering a teensy bit.
![[Devil]](graemlins/devil.gif)
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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party
Posts: 11197 | From: Do you know the way? | Registered: May 2002
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JimT
Ship'th Mythtic
# 142
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Posted
Now you really pissed me off!! All my life I had to share the leftovers from my big sister, who was only 10 months and 8 days older than me!! Have you any idea of the shit you take at six years old for riding around on a girl's bicycle?!? ![[Mad]](angryfire.gif) Your trivialization of my pain is now tripled!!!
I hate you I hate you I hate you! ![[brick wall]](graemlins/brick_wall.gif)
I want my own I want my own I want my own!!! ![[Waterworks]](graemlins/bawling.gif)
Posts: 2619 | From: Now On | Registered: May 2001
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Rev. Gerald Ambulance
Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359
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Posted
Tomb
And please, dear "reverend" sir: don't call me "sibling."
You mistake me, "host". I don't believe I made any reference to your being my sibling.
You (or your döppleganger) may have obtained administrator status by means of heaven-only-knows what sort of leverage, but you surely realize that if your thread is bleeped out, there will be little for you to administrate.
An interesting threat and which I would very much like to take you up on. But again you mistake. Neither I nor anyone affilated to me makes any claims to be the administrator of an internet conversation thingy. I am in international spiritual crusader, and I leave such concerns to those who are content with that calling.
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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)
Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001
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Rev. Gerald Ambulance
Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359
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Posted
Rhisiart
Whilst perusing the shelves of the local SPCK bookshop, I found a copy of your most esteemed and inspired volume of thoughts and strictures ("My Ministry Manual") for us poor followers of your way. To my horror, it had been 'remaindered' - reduced in price to a mere £2.99.
How very interesting. I do like to hear such stories of The Book.
Similar tales have reached me from Chester SPCK, where apparently one copy of The Book was seen to weep lemonade. (Lab tests revealed that it was in fact cream soda, an even more bounteous outpouring.)
And in Berwick-upon-Tweed I hear the natives have taken to worshipping it as a god after it was seen to heal a local youth worker of stigmata and ward off an impending cold snap. Not of course that I approve of idolatry, but you can see where they're coming from.
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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)
Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001
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Janine
The Endless Simmer
# 3337
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Posted
From: Janine
Deepest South Louisiana
To: Dearest (only, really) Gerald Ambulance
Heaven Knows Where
Sir:
The Rev. Jerry Fallwell (of U.S. Moral Majority fame) has been known to say that he would gladly preach in Hell, if only they'd let him out afterwards.
Notice any similarity between your efforts to edify a flock here and Fallwell's philosophy?
Just wondering...
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I'm a Fundagelical Evangimentalist. What are you?
Take Me Home * My Heart * An hour with Rich Mullins *
Posts: 13788 | From: Below the Bible Belt | Registered: Sep 2002
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tomb
Shipmate
# 174
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Posted
In stupor, tomb cools himself with a fan made from the skin of some Stupid Shipmate (he forgets which; they all run together after a while). The Rev. Gerald has actually written to him! And more than the infantile, slyxdexic signature scrawled on a hell-tithe check! He feels so honored:
quote:
Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:
Tomb
And please, dear "reverend" sir: don't call me "sibling."
You mistake me, "host". I don't believe I made any reference to your being my sibling.
The words are yours. And we are "host" because we are many, or at least, that's what The Voices keep telling me.
quote:
That silly Elmer Gantry wanna-be quotes me, then continues:
tomb's immortal words:You (or your döppleganger) may have obtained administrator status by means of heaven-only-knows what sort of leverage, but you surely realize that if your thread is bleeped out, there will be little for you to administrate.
Jerry replies: An interesting threat and which I would very much like to take you up on. But again you mistake. Neither I nor anyone affilated to me makes any claims to be the administrator of an internet conversation thingy. I am in international spiritual crusader, and I leave such concerns to those who are content with that calling.
You silly man. You forget that as host, All of Us (tm) have access to your IP address(es). And I actually have kept the e-mails one of your personae sent me lo these many months ago BEGGING me to delete a post you made under the wrong sockpuppet. Foolish person, don't you understand? I/We are/am a Hellost. We.Keep.Everything.
"Interesting threat" indeed. The last time anybody called one of my threats "interesting," I had gnawed my way up their leg and only stopped because the taste got nasty.
Don't annoy me, Jerry. It will not go well with you.
Posts: 5039 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: May 2001
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Rev. Gerald Ambulance
Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359
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Posted
Al Eluia
What Would Gerald Drive?
I walk, basically. Though I zealously set my face against the new-age spirit of pedestrianism, it is sadly the quickest way to get anywhere in SE London.
The last time I drove anything was back in my days as youth elder of St U's, when I took a minibus full of youngsters to camp in Carrotty Wood. It was a blessed experience, being of full soulbuilding pestilential tribulations.
The heap of junk wouldn't go over 40 mph, kept stalling on the motorway, and perhaps most seriously of all the back doors didn't close properly, so when we arrived at the campsite I found that of the 18 youngsters I had brought the only ones left were Richard Skully and Andrew Thug who had been sitting next to me all the way as a punishment for laughing at flatulence.
Fortunately it turned out the others had all got out unnoticed at a petrol station, and then been taken home by the police, who were I have to say not as understanding of the pressures of modern youthwork as they might have been.
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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)
Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001
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Rev. Gerald Ambulance
Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359
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Posted
Madferret
My church had a tombola at their Coffee Morning last weekend.
Are we condemned to H**l?
No no no, that's not how it works at all. Churches in the Manchester area guilty of a grade F transgression on the RGA iniquity slide rule are sent to Ellesmere Port, then for a second transgression Leeds, from Leeds to Bradford, and only then, in the last resort, to Hull.
[Topographical niceties.]
[ 03. December 2002, 11:08: Message edited by: SteveTom ]
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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)
Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001
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Rev. Gerald Ambulance
Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359
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Posted
MarkthePunk
My girlfriend likes to go to church with a tamborine. Oh, and with me, too. Anyway, that's all good at our regular church, Fire-baptized Holy Ghost Family Revival Center in Jesus Name, Inc.
However, we are going in the next few days to a service at St. Victoria Episcopal Church. Yes, it's very high church. And she insists on taking her tamborine. Did I mention it's a funeral?
Ah, the tambourine! Is there any musical instrument more anointed unto the people of God than this? It allows anyone at all regardless of ability to contribute to the jingling and (more to the point) jangling of congregational praise.
The organ, for example, is a sadly exclusive instrument requiring, contrary to appearances, lots of training. Even the drums need a sense of rhythm. But any believer with joy in his heart (or hers these days!) can pick a tambourine up and wave it about in what they consider to be time to the music.
In answer to your question, the crucial thing in guerilla tambourine tactics is to seize the moment of maximum impact. If the sister in question starts playing along with the first hymn, then she'll doubtless be carted out before most of the congregation have had a chance to hear.
So tell her to await a moment of quiet solemnity and then leap up crying, "Come on everybody, My Heart Sings La La La La La La La La La For Jesus. If you don't know it, you'll soon pick it up. And let's see you smiling - we're in church!"
I should add as a footnote for those in the Lewisham area that the deacons frisk everyone at the doors of St Ursula's, and anyone caught trying to bring a tambourine into the sanctuary has it broken over their heads and is made to eat the pieces. An example of the crucial distinction between general theological principle and locally applied practice to specific situations in church life.
[corrected "If the sister in question starts playing along with the fist hymn..." to "first hymn." At least, I hope it was a correction.] {snark}
[ 02. December 2002, 18:19: Message edited by: tomb ]
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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)
Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001
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duchess
Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by JimT:
<snip!> I hate you I hate you I hate you!
No worries. I am sure that the Good Rev. will walk over to your post soon. Thx though for making my day with you nice ranting. ![[Snigger]](graemlins/snigger.gif)
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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party
Posts: 11197 | From: Do you know the way? | Registered: May 2002
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Rev. Gerald Ambulance
Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359
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Posted
JimT
I have no idea how to behave sexually and Jesus offers no example for me to follow. So I want to follow your example. Exactly. Please tell me exactly how you behave sexually so that I can do the same exact thing and know for an absolute certainty that I am good and Godly. Pictures are unnecessary but a detailed schedule would be helpful.
The time of waiting is over, Sibling, and the light of Gerald shineth upon thee. Enjoy the mountaintop experience while it lasts, for soon you will be having to carry on with the depressing mundanefulness of life as normal.
However, I fear my word of truth may be a disappointment to you, for you ask me to outline, explain and schedulise how I "behave sexually", and the answer is "I don't". There's little to schedule there.
So instead let me tell you the story of a good friend and colleague of mine who is the minister of a church I'm sure you won't have heard of, named Rev. Gerard.
Once he had to counsel a divorced lady called Marj who had started coming to his church and was experiencing feelings of adequacy. Over the weeks he seemed to feel an emotional bond developing between them - an alarming thing between a pastor and his flock!
What could he do? If he stopped, where else could she turn for words of correctfulness?
But he knew it would be wrong to compromise his international holy mystique by opening the door to earthly weaknesses, so in the end he decided to see her one last time and give her a WWGD? wristband so that she would have always know the true path and no longer need his words of insightfulness.
He phoned her up and asked her to come around so that they could finally conclude this business. I think at this point there may have been some crossed wires. Because when she came, she stepped inside and shrugged off her fur coat, beneath which she appeared to be wearing nothing but the armour of the Lord.
This at least is the impression Rev. Gerard gathered in the split second between the coat hitting the lino and him turning and running screaming into the kitchen and throwing himself through the window.
Fortunately for everyone, Marj never came back to the church after that, and no one knows what happened to her. Let us leave this weak fleshly woman in the hands of the Lord.
I think my colleague's response to a tricky pastoral scenario was probably wise and an example to us all, bearing in mind that he was entirely unprepared for it. Of course, he is now fully prepared, though it has never happened again. He certainly has no regrets about the way he handled it, though he occasionally catches himself gazing wistfully into his Flora of a morning, and Genesis 3:21 has been known to bring a tear to his eye.
I hope this helps.
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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)
Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001
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Rev. Gerald Ambulance
Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359
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Posted
Nunc Dimittis
Just remember, Ambulance, blah blah blah....
Be assured, Dimittis, I shall give your words the full weight they deserve. And I pray, as some papist once almost said, that when your allegiances have stopped turning they will be facing the right way.
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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)
Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001
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Jack the Lass
Ship's airhead
# 3415
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Posted
Your Reverence
The church singles scene in this neck of the woods is – frankly – a bit woeful, and I was thinking that seeing as I live down the road (or more precisely, up the hill) from St Ursula’s, maybe this Sunday I should hang a left at Brockley Cross and pop into St U’s to check out the talent. In order to make sure any decision I make is suitably Spirit-led I would be most grateful for your honest opinion on the single men at St Ursula’s and whether you think they are in any way suitable prospects.
Desperately (er, I mean gratefully) yours,
JTL
PS Did I just say “check out the talent”? I meant, of course, “worship our Lord”. ![[Embarrassed]](icon_redface.gif)
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"My body is a temple - it's big and doesn't move." (Jo Brand)
wiblog blipfoto blog
Posts: 5767 | From: the land of the deep-fried Mars Bar | Registered: Oct 2002
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JimT
Ship'th Mythtic
# 142
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Posted
Rev Gerald:
Thank you for sharing your inspiring parable. You know, it is a small world full of so many coincidences:
quote:
Fortunately for everyone, Marj never came back to the church after that, and no one knows what happened to her. Let us leave this weak fleshly woman in the hands of the Lord.
Would you believe it? My wife's name is Marj!
You don't think...oh no... ![[Help]](graemlins/help.gif)
Posts: 2619 | From: Now On | Registered: May 2001
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Rev. Gerald Ambulance
Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359
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Posted
Anselmina
I notice that you instruct women not to have too close a contact with people of the opposite sex, a few posts ago. I wonder if you would be so kind as to give a practical demonstration of having any contact whatsoever, emotional, physical etc. If you'd like to come round to my place some time soon (I shall especially wear the required 'underwear' you mention for the occasion) and we can test how effective your theories are.
Hmm. Bless you for the invitation, O woman of foolishness, but it would be rather like trying to teach the principles of healthy eating by tucking into a raw chicken breast, don't you think?
I shall, if it's all the same to you, content myself with my own well-cooked meat and two veg, and pass over your proffered - actually I think this metaphor has run its course, don't you?
Thanks but no thanks, is what I'm trying to say. It's of vital importance in this job to know your limitations and weaknesses, and although I don't have any myself, this allows me to be all the more aware of other people's, which is why I shall have to decline your well-meant invitation.
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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)
Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001
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Nunc Dimittis
Seamstress of Sound
# 848
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:
Nunc Dimittis
Just remember, Ambulance, blah blah blah....
Be assured, Dimittis, I shall give your words the full weight they deserve. And I pray, as some papist once almost said, that when your allegiances have stopped turning they will be facing the right way.
Ms Dimittis to you, sirrah.
And what on earth is your second sentence supposed to mean, pray? I always let my allegiances go where they will; I believe in freedom of choice, not just for me, but for all of mine...
And what is the "right way" in your view? Who are you to dictate to me?
Down sirrah, down!
Posts: 9515 | From: Delta Quadrant | Registered: Jul 2001
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RooK
1 of 6
# 1852
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Posted
Rev. Gerald,
Could you be so selfless as to tell me the best spot along your regular travels where I might conceal myself such that I could sneak up behind you and bash your brains in?
Thanks ever so much.
Don't think of it as a brutal act of aesthetic censorship, but rather as a merciful alternative to what will happen if you keep annoying tomb.
Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001
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Rev. Gerald Ambulance
Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359
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Posted
Duo Seraphim
I am deeply shocked. My sisters are indulging themselves in conduct both lustful and uncharitable. Surely the Rev Gerald wil remain unmoved (in all senses of the word)in purest fraternal love for his siblings Anselmina and Duchess (green).
Now now, Sibling Duo, do not judge your siblings, and point the finger of condemnation at those around you who are trying their best. That's my job.
For are they not showing their love and devotion to the one set over them in the Lord in the only way their fallen womanhood knows how? I for one respect that and think they should be given room to fail.
I sit on a parish committee with my ex ![[Two face]](graemlins/scot_twoface.gif) whatever (for my feelings are confused towards this moose). Do I frustrate his knavish tricks at every opportunity, do I smile enigmatically at him and get him really worried ... or do I just smile?
It's hard for me to know what you do as I've never been there. Don't you remember?
If he is performing knavish tricks, I certainly hope you frustrate them whenever you can. Especially if you mean card tricks, as these are well-known to originate in the occult and lead innocent little children into black magic. Why not stand behind him and say, "It's in his pocket", "There's a mirror on his shoe" or "He gets his secret powers from Beelzebub"?
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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)
Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001
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Rev. Gerald Ambulance
Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359
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Posted
Stoo
What has happened to your avatar? Has it been raptured?
No it hasn't. I felt led to veil my face unto my people for a time lest they become fixated on the outer Gerald, and fall into a snare.
For while there is an important difference between venerating images and worshipping idols, it is largely one of spelling.
This time of withdrawing my face from ye was, I feel, very worthwhile and the Lord was in it. However, I then discovered who it was that had broken into the internet and nicked my picture, and sent the elders round for a 'chat'. It was agreed, as they sought the Lord together in frank and open prayerful fellowship, that the image would be returned unto its rightful place, and the baseball bats unto theirs. So that was nice.
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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)
Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001
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Rev. Gerald Ambulance
Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359
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Posted
MrJuice2U
Right Reverend (or Left Reverend, whichever you prefer)
Both right and reverend are pretty accurate descriptions.
I have been watching the Teleevangelists Network on TV, and as I watch the women who frequent these shows, with their beautiful big hair and all those layers of wonderful makeup, I have to admit that I have had feelings of lust in my heart. How can a young man keep his way pure in the face of such temptation?
Don't watch the Teleevangelists Network on TV.
Really, I'm wondering if people might be getting a little over-dependent on my words of correctfulness.
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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)
Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001
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Rev. Gerald Ambulance
Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359
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Posted
Sibling Cow
Yo, Rev.
What is the proper and Godly way to keep all your sock puppets in order, so that you don't post under the wrong name?
I'm not sure I'm the best person to ask about that, are you?
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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)
Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001
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Rev. Gerald Ambulance
Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359
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Posted
Sibling Tomb
quote:
Neither I nor anyone affiliated to me makes any claims to be the administrator of an internet conversation thingy. I am in international spiritual crusader, and I leave such concerns to those who are content with that calling.
You silly man. You forget that as host, All of Us (tm) have access to your IP address(es).
Is this bad? Are you threatening to send me an email? I'm sorry, you'll need to speak on such subjects to me as a layman. (Ha!)
And I actually have kept the e-mails one of your personae sent me lo these many months ago BEGGING me to delete a post you made under the wrong sockpuppet.
If you are trying to demonstrate to me the incompetence of my amanuensis Stephen Tomkins, it's all right, I actually already know. He may be a heathenish reprobate, a pain in the Balaam's ass and mindbogglingly incompetent, but he has several redeeming (though not in the theological sense) features. He is cheap. Actually, that's only one, isn't it? But in these days when the work of the Lord is strapped for cash, it is enough.
Don't you understand? I/We are/am a Hellost. We.Keep.Everything.
That's splendid. I'm sure we all think you're doing a terrific job. Keep it up! (Sorry to be so ignorant, but what actually does a hellost do?)
"Interesting threat" indeed. The last time anybody called one of my threats "interesting," I had gnawed my way up their leg and only stopped because the taste got nasty.
Fascinating. And what do you think will happen this time?
Don't annoy me, Jerry. It will not go well with you.
On the contrary, I have just found a pen I thought I'd lost, and a fiver in the pocket of a coat I haven't worn since March. Not very spiritual maybe, but nice all the same.
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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)
Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001
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Rev. Gerald Ambulance
Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359
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Posted
Janine
The Rev. Jerry Fallwell (of U.S. Moral Majority fame) has been known to say that he would gladly preach in Hell, if only they'd let him out afterwards.
Notice any similarity between your efforts to edify a flock here and Fallwell's philosophy?
Yes. Small world, isn't it?
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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)
Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001
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Rev. Gerald Ambulance
Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359
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Posted
Dimittis
I always let my allegiances go where they will... And what is the "right way" in your view?
To me. (Thanks for asking, though I'm surprised you have to after all this time.)
Who are you to dictate to me?
Rev. Gerald Ambulance
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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)
Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001
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Rev. Gerald Ambulance
Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359
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Posted
RooK
Could you be so selfless as to tell me the best spot along your regular travels where I might conceal myself such that I could sneak up behind you and bash your brains in?
No.
Don't think of it as a brutal act of aesthetic censorship, but rather as a merciful alternative to what will happen if you keep annoying tomb.
What, he'll call me a silly man again? Doesn't seem like much of an alternative to me.
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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)
Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001
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Nunc Dimittis
Seamstress of Sound
# 848
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:
Dimittis
I always let my allegiances go where they will... And what is the "right way" in your view?
To me. (Thanks for asking, though I'm surprised you have to after all this time.)
Who are you to dictate to me?
Rev. Gerald Ambulance
yada yada yada.
"He hath put down the mighty from their seats; and hath exalted the humble and meek."
You might take a leaf out of the Virgin's book, Gerald, instead of poncing around like a misplaced drag queen on steroids.
Posts: 9515 | From: Delta Quadrant | Registered: Jul 2001
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Rev. Gerald Ambulance
Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359
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Posted
Absolutely.
Now that's everything up to date, I believe. So if you can all take responsibility for your own spiritual, emotional and ***ual lives for a bit, I'm off to kick some bottom at the Exegesis for the Inner City - Where Now? conference.
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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)
Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001
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Jack the Lass
Ship's airhead
# 3415
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Posted
quote:
Now that's everything up to date, I believe.
What about me?!!!
Listen, I live in Brockley, I need all the help I can get!
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"My body is a temple - it's big and doesn't move." (Jo Brand)
wiblog blipfoto blog
Posts: 5767 | From: the land of the deep-fried Mars Bar | Registered: Oct 2002
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ChrisT
One of the Good Guys™
# 62
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Posted
Rev. Gerald
(but only in an admiring-as-a-fellow-believer and not a worhsipping-at-his-feet type manner)
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Firmly on dry land
Posts: 6489 | From: Here, there and everywhere | Registered: May 2001
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duchess
Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764
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Posted
quote:
For are they not showing their love and devotion to the one set over them in the Lord in the only way their fallen womanhood knows how? I for one respect that and think they should be given room to fail.
Fallen womanhood from a man obsessed with labeled underwear? ![[Disappointed]](graemlins/disappointed.gif)
You have an active imagination, my dear fellow.
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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party
Posts: 11197 | From: Do you know the way? | Registered: May 2002
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Anselmina
Ship's barmaid
# 3032
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:
Hmm. Bless you for the invitation, O woman of foolishness, but it would be rather like trying to teach the principles of healthy eating by tucking into a raw chicken breast, don't you think?
I feel a great chastisement-in-love from your gently masterful rebuke, Reverend. And am duly grateful.
However, my exegetical powers aren't quite up to the holy metaphor; ie, teaching sound principles of pastoral contact, albeit to a Woman of Foolishness (change of avatar title coming up?), is similar to er.... eating dead hen.
The spiritual lesson is in there somewhere but my interpretative skills fail me. Please pray for my enlightenment!
BTW, I do hope you didn't think I was <blush> leading you on or leading you into temptation or anything like that <blush>!
Such is the limitlessness of your great sanctity I know that all women would be a mere Abishag to your King David (little more than a hot water-bottle with a respiratory system).
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Irish dogs needing homes! http://www.dogactionwelfaregroup.ie/ Greyhounds and Lurchers are shipped over to England for rehoming too!
Posts: 10002 | From: Scotland the Brave | Registered: Jul 2002
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RooK
1 of 6
# 1852
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:
RooK
Could you be so selfless as to tell me the best spot along your regular travels where I might conceal myself such that I could sneak up behind you and bash your brains in?
No.
How embrassing. I'm sorry. Logical fallacies are not usually a foible I suffer from, and I thank you for pointing out my mistake.
Is there any existing portion of your anatomy that I can bash in instead that will shut you up?
quote:
What, he'll call me a silly man again? Doesn't seem like much of an alternative to me.
No, much much worse: he might get nasal. I really hate it when he does that. It must be avoided.
...OH...!
You thought I meant I was concerned about mercy that you might receive. That was awfully stupid of you, wasn't it?
Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001
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Miffy
Ship's elephant
# 1438
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Posted
Dear Rev Gerald,
Have you any words of advice for a sistern who has been recently (if temporarily) elevated to the ranks of the exalted? (Hosts for you uninitiated siblings).
Being a small though solid pillar of the local church, I fear for my integrity and purity of mind during this cruel exposure to the coarse ways and worldly wiles of the mass media. (That rabble in the nativity play, in other words). ![[Wink]](wink.gif)
WWGD in this situation?
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"I don't feel like smiling." "You're English dear; fake it!" (Colin Firth "Easy Virtue")
Growing Greenpatches
Posts: 4739 | From: The Kitchen | Registered: Oct 2001
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tomb
Shipmate
# 174
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:
....If you are trying to demonstrate to me the incompetence of my amanuensis Stephen Tomkins, it's all right, I actually already know. He may be a heathenish reprobate, a pain in the Balaam's ass and mindbogglingly incompetent, but he has several redeeming (though not in the theological sense) features. He is cheap. Actually, that's only one, isn't it? But in these days when the work of the Lord is strapped for cash, it is enough.....
Ambulance, you've got more weird-ass voices than I do. Surely your National Health Service will give you Pills to combat this malady, or do they demand that you come in and let them Take Something Out before prescribing a nostrum?
And you can't count, can you? Sort of like that demon Jesus drove into the pigs.
[corrrected my spelling. Because I value what Shipmates think about me and consequently want to make a Good Impression. {snark}]
[ 08. December 2002, 04:45: Message edited by: tomb ]
Posts: 5039 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: May 2001
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Amanuensis
Idler
# 1555
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:
If you are trying to demonstrate to me the incompetence of my amanuensis Stephen Tomkins, it's all right, I actually already know. He may be a heathenish reprobate, a pain in the Balaam's ass and ....
etc.
Dear Rev. Gerald,
This is at least the second time you have misused my name in the course of your ramblings. Whilst I take no personal offence, I am concerned lest shipmates begin to think that I am another of your miserable sock puppets.
I must ask that you cease and desist the use of this word, or I will have to send the St. Gregory's choir round to sort out your baseball-wielding acolytes.
In love
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What's new?
Posts: 547 | From: Cornwall | Registered: Oct 2001
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Spike
Mostly Harmless
# 36
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Posted
Dear Rev Gerald
How many mickles make a muckle?
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"May you get to heaven before the devil knows you're dead" - Irish blessing
Posts: 12860 | From: The Valley of Crocuses | Registered: May 2001
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Zach82
Shipmate
# 3208
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Posted
British mickles or American mickles?
Zach
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Don't give up yet, no, don't ever quit/ There's always a chance of a critical hit. Ghost Mice
Posts: 9148 | From: Boston, MA | Registered: Aug 2002
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ken
Ship's Roundhead
# 2460
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Posted
Many a mickle in either case - unless American mickles are nega-mickles or anti-mickles.
How many woodchucks does it take to chuck wood?
Posts: 39579 | From: London | Registered: Mar 2002
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Zach82
Shipmate
# 3208
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Posted
Ken, might you mean, "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a wood chuck coulc chuck wood?"
Aristotle would say that the woodchuck would chuck the right amounot of wood, given the consequences of chucking too much wood and the consequences of chucking too little.
Immanuel Kant would say that a wood chuck would chuck as much wood, that he wished it to be a universal law that all woodchucks chucked the same amount of wood and produced acceptable results. This being his duty, the woodchuck would chuck the dutifull amount of wood regardless of his desire to chuck more wood or less.
Zach
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Don't give up yet, no, don't ever quit/ There's always a chance of a critical hit. Ghost Mice
Posts: 9148 | From: Boston, MA | Registered: Aug 2002
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sophs
Sardonic Angel
# 2296
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Posted
[tangent]
quote:
Originally posted by Zach82:
Aristotle would say that the woodchuck would chuck the right amounot of wood, given the consequences of chucking too much wood and the consequences of chucking too little.
Zach
at last, the basis of my Aristotal coursework!
[/tangent]
Posts: 5407 | From: searching saharas of sorrow | Registered: Feb 2002
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ptarmigan
Shipmate
# 138
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Posted
Chucking too much wood would confer no evolutionary advantage on the postulated woodchucking woodchuck, so I suppose a woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck should chuck (if a woodchuck could chuck wood).
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All shall be well. And all shall be well. And all manner of things shall be well. (Julian of Norwich)
Posts: 1080 | From: UK - Midlands | Registered: May 2001
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