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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Hell: Depression
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dolphy
Lady of Perpetual Responsiblity
# 862
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Posted
My heart goes out to all who have posted here. I have been reading this thread very closely and, although I told another Shipmate I was not going to post here, on reflection I am going to.
I too have been there, wrote the movie, bought the T-Shirt etc. Depression is dreadful. My first serious depression happened many years ago but I remember it all too vividly. I too have heard the snap out of it, there are people worse off than you, things can't be that bad sayings...but it was. It was hell. The tears, the lack of energy, the losing the will to live feelings, the hating myself moments - need I go on? I had, at that time, the most unsympathetic and patronizing doctor on the face of the planet. "Take these pills and you'll feel better dear". ![[Mad]](angryfire.gif)
I eventually got through it with the help of a very understanding friend who listened when I talked, hugged me when I cried and was there even if I wanted to be silent.
More recently, after my back operation and the events surrounding it I felt myself slipping back again. My wonderful (and sincere) doctor put me on St John's Wort and it really did help - there are a few side effects with it, but we all differ in our physical reactions to it. Fortunately, I was not on it for long and I have got through this episode.
I echo the Vitamin B idea, and also bananas are good due to the potassium they contain.
I admire you all for your courage to post here. Life is tough and things can really be cruel and unfair, whether that be personal or in general. I guess we must try to focus on the good things - and they are out there somewhere, IMHO, they are just sometimes hard to see at the time.
If I feel myself slipping back at anytime, I usually take my dog up the hill and look down on where I live and think ' you are all so small'. Sometimes helps to put things in perspective, well, for me anyway.
My prayers to you all.
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Looking forward to my rock moving closer again.
Posts: 15134 | From: my camper van | Registered: Jul 2001
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Gill H
Shipmate
# 68
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Posted
Like Sean, I'm sending a big ![[Not worthy!]](graemlins/notworthy.gif) to all of you here.
Thankfully I've never suffered from depression, but for some reason I have lots of friends who do. (Hey, maybe it's me that's causing it... ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) ) I really admire their courage and honesty.
So, for all of you (shouts) EXPECTO PATRONEM!
I'll be round with chocolate directly.
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*sigh* We can’t all be Alan Cresswell.
- Lyda Rose
Posts: 9313 | From: London | Registered: May 2001
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Obnoxious Snob
Arch-Deacon
# 982
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Posted
Me too. A big hug and kisses for all who have posted. It is not easy and it takes a lot of courage. Being BAD myself(Bipolar Affective Disorder) I know of the depths to which you speak. I am just glad of the highs I get which do not compensate and which make me almost unbearable to my family, but which can be glimpses of wild, wild, heaven to me. ![[Angel]](graemlins/angel.gif)
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'The best thing we can do is to make wherever we're lost in Look as much like home as we can'
Christopher Fry
Posts: 889 | From: Kernow | Registered: Jul 2001
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Assistant Village Idiot
Shipmate
# 3266
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Posted
MCC, Welbutrin may help with those results.
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formerly Logician
Posts: 885 | From: New Hampshire, US | Registered: Sep 2002
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Schroedinger's cat
Ship's cool cat
# 64
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Posted
These are random thoughts - my reflections on my experience. Eanswyth - the image of a room with a door that you cannot find or get to is so powerful, and ( for me ) so true at my worst times.
Misapprehensions : Depression does not make you less of a person, less spiritual or a worse Christian. In fact, there are aspects of God that ONLY someone who has been though depression can fully appreciate. And why do you think Eccesiastes is my favorite book?
Things that help me ( they may or may not help others ) : St Johns Wort. Just enought to keep the absolute worst away. Particularly as I am OK for a lot of the time ATM, but need some help occasionally, this does a good job. If I take it early enough.
For me, one of the hardest things is not getting enough sleep. If I can actually get a good nights sleep, I am much more capable of dealing with the following day. However, codeine and alcohol containing mixtures I find dangerous - the former can give me nightmares, and the latter is a depressive itself. And I find it can be a serious problem.
I have found the situations that help and hinder me. For me being with people is great, but being out for the evening having a good time followed by going to my room alone was a major trigger for a down. But being alone for a whole day sends me crazy.
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Blog
Music for your enjoyment
Lord may all my hard times be healing times
take out this broken heart and renew my mind.
Posts: 18859 | From: At the bottom of a deep dark well. | Registered: May 2001
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sophs
Sardonic Angel
# 2296
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Posted
til i mentioned it (probably here actually, or at CU) i thought i was the only Christian with Depression and that made me a bad person. I've realised i'm not alone, and that it doesn't make me a bad person/christian...
But i know now that in my cell group there were 3 of us suffering from similar problems...my best friend is in hospital, other people i grew up with and played with for most of my life are all suffering with similar things...
and so few people understand enough to help, or recognise signs...
it really upsets me seeing friends hurt, i remember the first time i saw cut marks on one of my friends arms, in the college chaple...i was shocked...i thought i had been alone. She thought she was alone. She got through it and mentioned it in a talky bit in the outreach cafe type place i run, and the youth leader paniced...
There were so many people in that room who were touched by that, christian and none christian...
AND THEY HAD NO-ONE TO HELP THEM.
And it really really really angers me that people who are hurting are sometimes abandoned and treated as outcasts. especially if the church is involved.
Posts: 5407 | From: searching saharas of sorrow | Registered: Feb 2002
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Garden Hermit
Shipmate
# 109
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Posted
I don't know if this will help. I offer it at as a thought for pondering.
I saw a Pyschiatrist once who said..
The one who suffers with mental problems, depression etc. is usually the most sensitive of the group.
They are usually reflecting other family or group problems, in his opinion.
If someone was refered to him, he always wanted to see the whole immediate family to try and get at the root cause.
Treating an individual in his opinion was wrong if they lived as part of a group.
The above may not apply to you.
However it does not suprise me in the least that people who are drawn to Christianity are affected and hurt by circumstances, events, other's actions, Mans inhumanity to Man etc.
Sensitivity is a Gift not a burden.
Pax et Bonum
Posts: 1413 | From: Reading UK | Registered: May 2001
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heathen mama
Shipmate
# 3767
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Posted
Garden Hermit, I like your post immensely. There is definitely a correlation I have seen between people I would consider sensitive, and the propensity for them to suffer from depression.
Sensitivity, mind you, should be looked at not it how touchy-feely a person is, because I think a lot of crass people are sensitive. But sensitivity, to me, means that a person will take things personally, will react emotionally even to something that doesn't directly touch them. Just look at the varying degrees of hurt on the Columbia thread in Purgatory, or to the different ways people deal with conflict on the ship. Some can make or read a harsh comment, walk away from the computer, and let it go. Some of us limit our postings in Hell because we know that it will be with us for a while.
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I shaved my armpits for *this*?
Posts: 569 | From: the first state | Registered: Dec 2002
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Arabella Purity Winterbottom
Trumpeting hope
# 3434
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by sophs:
And it really really really angers me that people who are hurting are sometimes abandoned and treated as outcasts. especially if the church is involved.
A few years ago the pastor of one of our more conservative Baptist churches committed suicide. Nobody knows why, but we suspect it may have been because he couldn't live with the judgmental stuff that was going on in his congregation. He was a nice guy.
But we were horrified at what happened afterwards. The youth group were called together to talk about it. One of the youth group leaders said to the group, "If any of you feel the slightest inclination to suicide or to bad depression, please, please, please, come and talk to us." The other leader reacted with horror and shouted, "If they feel anything like that they're not trusting Jesus enough. They should take it to Jesus."
An example of some good old-fashioned psychotic religion. I think being able to talk to people is paramount. Yes, I talk to Jesus, but unfortunately Jesus doesn't always help with medication, and some of Jesus' fan club are a bit silly about practical problems.
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Hell is full of the talented and Heaven is full of the energetic. St Jane Frances de Chantal
Posts: 3702 | From: Aotearoa, New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2002
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duchess
Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764
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Posted
I think I am going to just let it all hang out here...if I sound more loopy and weird, plus angrier than usual, don't worry about it. ![[Wink]](wink.gif)
My mother's uncles BOTH killed themselves (my grandma's brothers). The second time, my uncle was 5 years old, my grandmother had him climb into the room and them come back to report on him. He said to her "he looks pretty dead".
My uncle to this day has such dark humor that he joked about 9-11 in a Christmas postcard that year in a way I can't even begin to describe. He felt it was ok to write (or let his wife write) "baby delayed due to miscarriage" when his son's wife miscarried on the Xmas card he made fun of 9-11 on. That side of the family is so seriously repressed, it has crept into my life and I have to fight the same tendencies DAILY. People I date always think I don't love them, my roomate thought I don't like her singing...I just never get very excited IRL in person. I can't still make happy faces and stuff on the internet. When some of you meet me, you might notice this. I have a pretty expressive face though that reflects every single emotion though which causes many to jump to conclusions.
My grandma once had a vein burst when she was visiting us in Hollywood Fla. She laughed hysterically as the blood hit the ceiling. It wasn't funny. That is the kind of crap I was raised with. Grandma coped for many years by hard core drinking and abusing Rx pills. My mother learned from her mother the words I do not like to hear...
"Quit carrying on!" I got told that when my Rev. grandpa died (my FATHER's dad, not my mom's) and I cried. My mom felt I was carrying on. She also brought up for years how "I kept talking to my friend Pauline when she laid in the casket". I finally lost it at dinner a few nights ago and my brother's wife had to restrain me. I realised my mom can not change overnight...my mom also tried to back pedal pathetically. She is getting older and no longer a hard ass, pardon my French, as much as she once was.
My dad's side of the family...my Rev. Grandpa once drowned some kittens in front of my dad since they couldn't keep them. Him and his wife thought it was ok to lock my dad in the closet for hours to punish him.
All this crap passed down to me. I had mental breakdowns in my teens and also in my early twenties. I got consuling up the wazooo...I also ate a lot of vitamin B (when I was in London, I took tons of this to allievate my fear of being away from home and dealing with the 1989 earthquake. I got this vitamin at a place called Boots, it was really cheap).
After 5 years in Alnon, I left since I felt I could. I now deal with EVERYTHING. I talk about IT ALL only though with people I trust. Many do not have the ability to not judge the hell out of you when hearing you talk about your feelings.
I learned my anxiety lessens when I know what is causing them. Also when I can escape somewhere...the open grass, beach..etc. I also stare at pretty pictures (yes, Thomas Kincade helps). I also write in a journal.
My family has the dry, black humor of my uncle. It gets to me sometimes, but they don't seem to be as far gone as him, thank God.
Trying to love people without judging them is very hard. I can't say I do that perfectly but I am trying to learn.
My relationship with my roomate has gotten real good since we talk very openly with each other without name calling. My family has figured out that I leave when they decide to name call, so the relationship with them is better. I found that engaging in the name calling like I did for years did not good but leaving them and refusing to talk to them until they stopped worked. things are much better than they were like some years ago, when we would all fight all the time (BIG SCREAMING, coming over to my apt at midnight to take the car they loaned me, blah blah).
I still though have days where I cry for no reason for a long time...when I can't sleep much at night, have bad dreams. I just get through it. I tried St. John's Wort, just makes me burn in the sun (doesn't help me)...vitamins do help, I take a ton of horse pills.
I also have come on hear and been all depressed...and some caring shipmate has more than once asked "are you OK?" especially when my boss was trying to fire me. I think I cope by wearing my heart on my sleeve...I don't cover up much emotion, but paradox...I have a hard time expressing it. Saying I love you is hard...hugging...etc. But I do try.
I say all this because I believe my depression has been helped by my research. The more I learned WHY the better I understood. Having 2 uncles both take their lives at an early age affected my family still to this day. Suicide SUCKS.
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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party
Posts: 11197 | From: Do you know the way? | Registered: May 2002
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duchess
Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764
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Posted
I apologized if I share a little too much. I didn't mean to kill this thread. I am not good sometimes at putting things into words and I hope I didn't scare anyone else off from posting.
Now, back to the salt mines at work...
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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party
Posts: 11197 | From: Do you know the way? | Registered: May 2002
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heathen mama
Shipmate
# 3767
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Posted
Duchess, please don't ever apologize for sharing such real experiences! It is a refreshing change to have a thread where people do precisely that! Depression and family madness affects so many of us, and in so many different ways. Thank you for sharing your story. I think it is the biggest step in identifying precisely what you want to avoid, change, improve, learn from.
And Duchess, sharing honestly is "gonna make everything, pretty momma, gonna make everything alright." Well, it's a start atleast.
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I shaved my armpits for *this*?
Posts: 569 | From: the first state | Registered: Dec 2002
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Saint Osmund
Pontifex sariburiensis
# 2343
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Posted
Thank you. I npoticed this thread on Thursday just before I left work, and wanted to read it. I've spent the past 20 mins looking for it, then there it was, suddenly on the 'most recent thread to be posted on' section.
Thanks again.
AD x
Posts: 2965 | From: here | Registered: Feb 2002
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ChristinaMarie
Shipmate
# 1013
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Posted
Hey Duchess!
There's a very important principle in your post, which you may not be aware of.
It's this: You cannot change other people, you can only change yourself.
You're already doing this in walking out the room instead of joining in the name-calling. The thing is, if we change our behaviour, it quite often can lead to chnage in others, but it isn't guaranteed. If you want someone to change, you can just go on and on banging your head against a brick wall, in frustration.
My Dad used to shout a lot at me as a child. As an adult, I started shouting back. We'd have some real ding-dongs. However, after counselling, I just walked out the room. I'm free to live as Jesus wants me to, I'm not forced to join in with negative destructive behaviours.
You've made a lot of progress, Duchess. Be proud of yourself.
I believe the black humour in your family, is a coping mechanism. Remove the humour, and worse things could happen, like breakdowns. The black humourist has a lot of pain inside, remove the coping mechanism, and a can of worms is opened. If you understand this, you may be able to put up with it.
Love in Christ,
Christina
Posts: 2333 | From: Oldham | Registered: Jul 2001
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duchess
Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764
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Posted
heathen mama - And I ain't got no worries 'cause I ain't in no hurry at all
I can see you get it...part of my own recovery is to share things instead of stiling them...and also to figure out the whys of my history. I also am glad I didn't end up like my great-uncles, I have been THAT depressed and fortunately, never tried to commit suicide (albeit I would take big risks like driving drunk, letting people drive me drunk...in my teens and early twenties, something I am ashamed to say now)
ChristinaMarie - You are so right...you can not change people. (I learned that in 12 step programs). I meant to say people look to you to teach them how you want to be treated...end result, setting boundries. Walking out on someone being abusive is hard, many times they will resent you for it. Sometimes though like in my family's case, they eventually learn. Good for you, for not joining your dad in the negative behavior. Since we have Jesus in our lives, it is our duty to show His light to people. I am proud of myself, thanks...and also amazed at what God has done in my life to heal me and also help those around me. I might add, I am not perfect...there were times I fought back and screamed at people...times I would like to forget.
How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. That is how it is to learn new behaviors and crawl out of despair.
I know also that I am prone to depression (it is in my genes)...and that I have a choice to handle it. Plus also I watch out for it in my brother's kids and also if I ever have children.
I really push a journal, it really helps. I heard on the Oprah show it is as good as 100 dollars an hour therapy if you write stuff down. Even one sentence...if it that hard to write, it very illuminating. I am a tactual person, I need to write by hand, not type, to get it all out.
BTW, about Tony Robbins, I read his book years ago, did a list of 10 years ago, years ago, present day, 5 years later, 10 years later. I make twice as much money as I did then and also work on my music (only one song in production but want to make more). I am also finally tackling my weight. Tony is a great guy, if he has big teeth and "banana hands" (from Shallow Hal, the movie...Hal told him he had "banana hands"). That movie cracked me up since I was familiar with Tony Robbins. I highly recommend it. it is pretty black humor though, be warned. (I enjoyed the humor).
Since my mom told me about my uncle finding his uncle dead, I am able to stomach my uncle's weird black humor more. He is also dry and unresponsive which use to tee me off also he laughed out loud at a snippet of cassette of me singing Aretha Franklin on VHS that my family played for him years ago. The more you know about people...sometimes not always, the more that they mmake a little more sense.
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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party
Posts: 11197 | From: Do you know the way? | Registered: May 2002
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Scarlet
Mellon Collie
# 1738
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Posted
My mom died of suicide when I was 30. She was 55. She took all the left-over medications she had (quite a lot, since all her physical symptoms were treated as psychological; various antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, sleeping pills, narcotic pain pills) and lay in an irreversible coma for 3 weeks.
That same year my beloved uncle dropped dead of a heart attack at 49. My grandmother died before Christmas, crying that no mother should have to bury both her children.
I was working nights full time as a nurse and raising 2 small children virtually alone, because my husband had decided he wanted to work about 100 miles away. I was so grief stricken and depressed, but had no clue how sick I was.
My husband would come home on the weekends and tell me to "stop behaving like this", "if you don't snap out of it, I'm going to leave you and take the kids". He believed psychiatry was akin to witchcraft and he wasn't going to pamper me in any hocus-pocus.
The next year we divorced, which was like the last straw for me.
It took me several years of therapy before it dawned on me that he had been abusive and this hadn't been "all my fault".
I think the stress and torment from all these events caused my illness to flare up. Mental illness was in my genes and I had a tough time as a teenager especially, but never had full blown episodes til all this occured.
Now I know that I must sleep nights and work days (upsetting my circadian rhythm makes me depressed fast). I try to avoid stress and fatigue like the plague. This means I have to live a rather sheltered life of avoidance in order to stay on a fairly even keel emotionally. I feel marginal in every respect.
I can't take any antidepressants - I've tried most and they flip me to mania. I'm not a candidate for the anti-mania drugs due to medical constraints. So I'm grateful that I can cope and maintain as well as I do.
I am finally in a church that believes in reality. I don't have to fake happiness, health and peace as I did in some Charismatic churches. They really had the attitude that if you were depressed or afraid; "something must be wrong with your walk with God."
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They took from their surroundings what was needed... and made of it something more.
—dialogue from Primer
Posts: 4769 | Registered: Nov 2001
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duchess
Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by ChastMastr:
Yesterday, I got little done at work, was very distracted, and I got REALLY down. ![[Frown]](frown.gif) Thankfully I am better today, but it was really, really rough. Ugh.
Hug! ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party
Posts: 11197 | From: Do you know the way? | Registered: May 2002
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Ian Climacus
Liturgical Slattern
# 944
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Posted
bessie and dutchess...(((hugs)))
Thank you both for sharing so much, so freely.
Posts: 7800 | From: On the border | Registered: Jul 2001
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RooK
1 of 6
# 1852
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Posted
Any chance you folks could PM your hugs? They clash with the decor.
For a moment, I thought you folks had mentioned TOM Robbins. Now, that fellow always helps me when I feel depressed...
Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001
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duchess
Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764
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Posted
Rook, you're just jealous of our virtual hugs, darling. ;P
Admrial, thx. I Pm'd you with offensive action item.
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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party
Posts: 11197 | From: Do you know the way? | Registered: May 2002
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duchess
Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764
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Posted
darn it...meant to make that a ![[Razz]](tongue.gif) not a ;P
well, ;P is something I invented. I hate preview post, it can kiss my depressed a**.
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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party
Posts: 11197 | From: Do you know the way? | Registered: May 2002
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Robert Armin
All licens'd fool
# 182
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Posted
I've only just discovered this thread, and found it almost unbearably moving. May God have mercy on us all.
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Keeping fit was an obsession with Fr Moity .... He did chin ups in the vestry, calisthenics in the pulpit, and had developed a series of Tai-Chi exercises to correspond with ritual movements of the Mass. The Antipope Robert Rankin
Posts: 8927 | From: In the pack | Registered: May 2001
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Lots of Yay
Cookies enabled
# 2790
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Posted
I've been reading this thread since it started and was going to post immediately but as I have a habit of killing threads (I don't mean to!! It's just my bland personality) I thought I should wait until it was a bit more established before I said anything. Now watch it plummet to page 5...
Despite my screen name, I too am not always a particularly happy person. I added my sig a couple of weeks ago because it seemed a bit stupid to be Lots of Yay when I wasn't really.
I think I'll tell my story before I move on to why depression sucks and how stupid it is. I'll put a little when I get to the end of the story bit so you can just scroll straight to the rant bit if you have a short attention span!
I'm not sure when my depression started. Some time in high school maybe. It's hard to know where the transition from "quiet and withdrawn" to "depressed and angry" occurred. However for about the first 18 years of my life I never talked to anyone about touchy feely stuff. I was a bit of a nigel (in Sydney dialect this is someone who has no friends in case anyone's wondering), felt that I was most likely the ugliest person alive, had a sense of humour that no-one seemed to understand and had the general impression that I was a loser. Sometime around the end of school I stopped eating... more on this later.
I don't think that what would be classified as clinical depression actually started until I started to deal with stuff and talk to people. Obviously I was screwed up beforehand to some extent but because I had chosen to ignore a lot of stuff that had happened, it was just sitting inside me somewhere, waiting to be called on.
So yes, enter a friend who sees the importance of talking. This friend eventually gained my trust to the point where I told her a lot of stuff. This was all very well but I think dealing with a lifetime of issues all at once is possibly not the best way to go about it. Here began what I like to call 'the worst year of my life'. Which was also first year uni. I became totally dependent on this friend, had lost about a quarter of my body mass, spent a lot of time crying and injuring myself and generally going round in circles. Various medical friends told me that I had depression and should see a doctor but I was too scared to for some reason. This was a bit stupid of me.
I was also totally confused about my faith and what I believed and who I was and all sorts of things like that.
In short - it sucked.
The worst year of my life ended in September '00. Two things happened. The first was a weekend away with a Christian group from uni. It was a women's weekend and the topic was "Who am I". The take home message was from Colossians 3 that we are chosen, dearly loved, holy and called to peace (and maybe something else). I spent quite a lot of time sitting on some grass under some trees next to a lake (one of my favourite settings) contemplating and realised that I could go one way or another. I realised that I had to trust God rather than putting all my trust in this friend.
The second thing that happened was about a week later. I received an email from the friend saying that she didn't want to be a Christian anymore and as such we had nothing in common anymore so good bye. This was upsetting (very much so) but if this hadn't happened I don't think I could have truly recovered from that bout of depression because the temptation to let her control my life would have been too strong for me. We are now reconciled again which is cool.
I still have bouts of depression however. Sometimes in response to stuff happening in life, sometimes for no discernible reason. These are the most frustrating I think. Thankfully the eating stuff is resolved. This made a big difference to emotional state.
End of long boring story!
Depression sucks because it makes you lose your grasp on reality. It debilitates you in so many ways. There's the suicide factor. There are the Christians who assume that you're not holy enough. There are the spontaneous tears for no apparent reason. And the other physical symptoms that don't seem to be logically related to depression.
I think one thing that really helped me was knowing how many other people had depression. It seemed like everyone I talked to had some experience of it. Why is so little said about it in Christian circles when it seems like about 50% of Christians have depression?
I don't have any particular method for dealing with depression when it happens. If I'm doing too much, I generally cut back on stuff. If I'm not doing enough I try to do a bit more. If there are people who get me down I avoid them. If there's no reason I wallow in self pity for a while then call a friend and whinge about it. Thankfully now it doesn't last a year at a time.
Okay. Enough said. Apologies for such a saga. I will return to everlasting sentences now.
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Current status: idle
Tales of Variable Yayness
Photos of stuff. Including Pooka!
Posts: 2006 | From: the plasticine room | Registered: May 2002
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sophs
Sardonic Angel
# 2296
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Posted
(to life in general)
![[Waterworks]](graemlins/bawling.gif)
Posts: 5407 | From: searching saharas of sorrow | Registered: Feb 2002
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Amorya
Ship's tame galoot
# 2652
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by sophs:
(to life in general)
((((((((((((Sophs)))))))))))))
I know just what you mean, I think.
Amorya
Posts: 2383 | From: Coventry | Registered: Apr 2002
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Arabella Purity Winterbottom
Trumpeting hope
# 3434
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by sophs:
(to life in general)
(((((Sophs)))))
Arohanui (Maori for "big love" - a bit untranslateable really)
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Hell is full of the talented and Heaven is full of the energetic. St Jane Frances de Chantal
Posts: 3702 | From: Aotearoa, New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2002
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Ian Climacus
Liturgical Slattern
# 944
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Posted
((sophs))
((Lots of Yay)) ![[Tear]](graemlins/tear.gif)
I too had the problem of being very withdrawn and having no real friends in high school [the ones I thought were friends dropped me like a lead balloon the day the last HSC exam finished - I then realised they only were my friends because I'd help with maths, english, etc].
Then at Uni, two people came along who really wanted to be my friend - I guess I was making up for lost time: I shared everything with them - perhaps too much; I was scared of being used again; I was up and down for three years - happy to suicidal to happy. I can't believe they stuck with me through it, but they did.
Yet still, in moments of depression, doubts come again. Damn this depression!
Posts: 7800 | From: On the border | Registered: Jul 2001
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lapensiera
Shipmate
# 4057
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Posted
Hi all, new poster ... i have a constant battle with depression myself - makes university a pain in the neck, i know! ... have also been rather taken advantage of in a relationship or two - also no fun and no help at all ... which, neither are some church people's attitudes (as has been pointed out). i remember far too well being told (in a rather charismatic, happy-clappy church) that i just wasn't reading my Bible &/or praying quite enough and if i would just do that then all would be well ![[brick wall]](graemlins/brick_wall.gif) ... not hardly ![[Disappointed]](graemlins/disappointed.gif) - what's helped is coming back to the church where i grew up, which in the interim has gotten a more active young adults ministry and a counselling center with staff trained in both secular and religious counselling practices. also, i have found the realization, however dim, that perhaps God does not mean me to feel horrible forever - a little vague, but it works. i've tried medication, and have had to go off of it due to circumstances - but without that community around me and some strange iron will within me, i'd not have had the courage to do either.
speaking of that - for those of us who are in the midst of these same struggles, may grace and faith strengthen us and infuse that desperately needed hope ... for those who are reading in with us, thank you for your compassionate responses - you are the community of hope to someone (or more than one), whether only here or also IRL. reading this thread (and this board in general) has given me laughter, shared sorrow ... all in all, a refreshing reminder of the community of Christ throughout the world. looking forward to wild, wooly, freewheeling, thought-provoking conversations ... that's kinda become a theme for me - i can't kick the bucket yet, i haven't worked out all my theology ![[Snigger]](graemlins/snigger.gif) ...
grace & peace (yes, even in Hell ![[Two face]](graemlins/scot_twoface.gif) )
lapensiera
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"We need not be afraid of the power that is in us;
it will meet its match one day in the omnipotent weakness of God." Simon Tugwell
Posts: 211 | From: south central Louisiana, USA | Registered: Feb 2003
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Garden Hermit
Shipmate
# 109
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Posted
I notice that several of the posters say that Christian churches can be too judgemental and feel 'something is wrong between you and God' if you suffer with depression.
I agree it comes over like that sometimes but when I confess that I suffer with depression to other Christians (normally only when there is no-one else about) then this seems to release a deep confession from the other person who I thought was as 'normal' as they come.
Last month a lady aged about 75. after I said I wasn't having a good day, suddenly told me about all her 'cutting up' back before the War, which she had apparently never told anyone about.
I'm now coming to the conclusion that there is only a very few people in this world who haven't got any problems that are secretly screwing them up. Another problem no-one will talk about is 'non-consummation of marriage'.
Maybe as well as depression I've also got the courage to talk about it now and that is helping others to come to terms with their problems and hidden grief. So maybe I've (probably God not me) has turned into positive.
I do think that talking to another caring person about whatever worries you does halve the problem. But it won't get rid of it.
I think that maybe it's not us who have the problems. It is the world where to make mistakes or be weak is regarded as a 'Sin'. Even worse is that the male 'macho' culture has now been grafted onto girls as well, with all of them now trying to 'act hard' and be successful.
After my big 'down' a few years ago, I started looking at Jesus in a different light. What about the phrase 'his powers left him and he had to go away from his disciples'. Sounds like I felt in the midst of my depression.
Did Jesus suffer with depression ? Shock, horror.
Best wishes to you all.
Posts: 1413 | From: Reading UK | Registered: May 2001
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spoike
Apprentice
# 4044
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Posted
this is my first post. hi everyone.
this is probably a bit heavy for a first post but this thread was what convinced me to register and stop lurking.
to put my story in brief form (coz i'm not in a self analysis place at the present time) i used t be very bubbly, planned a future where i needed to have lots of energy and then got glandular fever which progressed to M.E. i was offered anti-depressants at this time but refused because i saw it as not trusting god to heal me and help me cope and whatever! ( i was a very annoying christian). since then have had episodes of depresssion all varying in length and severity. and a major change in job choice.
i am still a very annoying christian but not in the same way anymore, in fact almost in entirely the opposite direction. i frequently doubt that god actually exists and the whole 'does god love me' debate was settled a long time ago by my denial to ever think about it! Perhaps not to be advised.
i have a fantastic husband (probably the best hudband in the world) who helps me so mch more then he will ever realise or be able to admit to for fear of forgetting what it was that made him so great and then getting it wrong.
im not sure i have a point to make here, but i thought i would have to put something on this thread because it feels that depression is such a major part of my life now.
i do still believe although i have too many questions about god, church, the bible etc to ever feel completely happy about it. i have lost any joy that i had - will i be ill until i find it again, or do i not really understand what joy is. do others who are depressed have joy?
don't know how to sign off, so i'll leave it here.
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you're just a picture of me
you're gone as soon as i leave
Posts: 5 | From: london | Registered: Feb 2003
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Garden Hermit
Shipmate
# 109
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Posted
There is a tale which may help some readers.
'Why did God make the world round ?
So that Human Beings can't see too far ahead.'
It does contain some truth.
And after my bout of depression, I really only try to look one day ahead at a time. I can only handle one day's problems at a time. God only seems to give me enough strength for today.
Yes I do have 'Joy' sometimes but its usually totally unexpected and not organised by me. And its fatal for me to try and organise 'joy' or pleasure because it doesn't seem to work. In fact the contary usually applies.
It seems to help me.
But everyone is different and we are all so vulnerable in so many different ways.
Pax et Bonum
Posts: 1413 | From: Reading UK | Registered: May 2001
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Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012
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Posted
Hi spoike, and thanks for posting and sharing with us. I'm glad you decided to register and delurk. Feel free to wander round the Ship posting wherever and whenever takes your fancy
Viki, hellhost
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“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”
Posts: 10787 | Registered: Jul 2001
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Warrior Tortoise
Shipmate
# 2682
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Posted
I myself also suffer from bouts of depression. The biggest thing I found to help me was my friends. As many of you have said, to be accepted when sobbing your heart out is sometimes the only thing that will help. Just to be hugged, held, listened to when all you feel is despair is sometimes all that's needed. Being left alone also helps too of course.
I lived on my own for 4 years and these were my loneliest times. I started to suffer from panic attacks whilst I was in college and when I lived on my own they got decidedly worse. So much so that I was agrophobic.
Fortunately my Mother helped me after she witnessed how low I had got and on her suggestion I now see a pyschotherapist.
That was 2 years ago and I am so much better. As my friends (who are also shipmates) know I do sink sometimes, but it's good to know that they're there to help.
I struggle with Spoikes joy question. Mainly because it never seems to be consistent in my life. I often think about how I could make it last and find myself thinking that all I need is company, a husband, a family. But it scares me that if I do find these things it may not change and what would I do then.
However, I know Spoike and she's one of the reasons that I can carry on and she's someone who I can laugh my heart out with.
Bless you all for being so open and honest.
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"Inconceivable!" You use that word a lot, I do not think it means what you think it means. - The Princess Bride
Posts: 82 | From: the pit of despair | Registered: Apr 2002
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
A few random thoughts on reading the above posts:
I don't know where they get the figure of 1 in 3 people suffering from depression at some time in their lives: I think the actual figure is higher than that. I don't think I know anyone who hasn't had their life touched by it at some point for whatever reason. And no, it isn't a particularly Christian affliction.
I would say that depressed people don't have joy. It's like being tired in spirit. Things you were actively interested in just don't have the same appeal any more, you don't have any enthusiasm to want to try anything new, before you know it life has shrivelled into a few basic activities. Life isn't particularly painful, it's just an interminable drag. In fact I'd say that the inertia of depression is ultimately far more insidious and damaging than the feelings of isolation which are more immediately painful.
I'd say that joy isn't consistent in most people's lives, although if you are in the right frame of mind anything can be an excuse for joy and a sense of God. At present I'm not at all sure that there is a God and I am wondering whether I haven't just wasted the best years of my life in pledging myself to what I understood to be the divine force. Why we have to grow through pain. And so on. But these are questions more suited to Purgatory than this thread and I won't pursue them here.
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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Robert Armin
All licens'd fool
# 182
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Posted
At the risk of sounding pretentious, do Hamlet's words ring bells with other people? quote:
O, that this too too solid flesh would melt
Thaw and resolve itself into a dew!
Not a longing for suicide, with all the pain, messiness and suffering left for other people. Just a desire not to be - not ever to have been and then no one would have to grieve for you.
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Keeping fit was an obsession with Fr Moity .... He did chin ups in the vestry, calisthenics in the pulpit, and had developed a series of Tai-Chi exercises to correspond with ritual movements of the Mass. The Antipope Robert Rankin
Posts: 8927 | From: In the pack | Registered: May 2001
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
Yes. In fact I have often had that very phrase running through my mind.
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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Arrietty
Ship's borrower
# 45
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Ariel:
It's like being tired in spirit. Things you were actively interested in just don't have the same appeal any more, you don't have any enthusiasm to want to try anything new, before you know it life has shrivelled into a few basic activities. Life isn't particularly painful, it's just an interminable drag.
I remember points where I just couldn't get the mental energy to do anything. I'd think about doing it, the actual impetus to do it just wasn't there. It was a 'breakdown' in almost a mechanical sense; it seemed nothing was firing so I couldn't get going.
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i-church
Online Mission and Ministry
Posts: 6634 | From: Coventry, UK | Registered: May 2001
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Amos
Shipmate
# 44
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Posted
Reading your posts, Arietty and Ariel, it struck me yet again that the Church of England suffers corporately from clinical depression. Maranatha!
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At the end of the day we face our Maker alongside Jesus--ken
Posts: 7667 | From: Summerisle | Registered: May 2001
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Robert Armin
All licens'd fool
# 182
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Posted
Ariel, at times I find it uncanny how we think along such similar lines. Then I remember football, and politics, and space flight and realise there are some differences after all!
Oh, and Amos? Ariel is many things, but she has never shown any signs of being an Anglican ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif) .
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Keeping fit was an obsession with Fr Moity .... He did chin ups in the vestry, calisthenics in the pulpit, and had developed a series of Tai-Chi exercises to correspond with ritual movements of the Mass. The Antipope Robert Rankin
Posts: 8927 | From: In the pack | Registered: May 2001
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Arrietty
Ship's borrower
# 45
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by The Wanderer:
Oh, and Amos? Ariel is many things, but she has never shown any signs of being an Anglican .
I thought Amos was just observing that the experience of being rendered inert that Ariel and I had described was eerily reminiscent of the corporate behaviour of the C of E. I didn't think she was accusing either of us of belonging to the C of E.
That would have been cruel.
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i-church
Online Mission and Ministry
Posts: 6634 | From: Coventry, UK | Registered: May 2001
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Atlanta
Shipmate
# 2659
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Posted
I have suffered from Depression since I was 16, and have been taking Medication On and off for all that time,
I am now wanting to stop taking them ( again) but am terrified that i will fall into Decline yet again,
There have been Huge positive changes in my life over the last few months and I know that i now have the support that i've needed for so long,
So i'm giving it a go, pray for me and others in the same position
One way i found to cope with" those days" was to make a short list of things to do for that day( maybe only 3 or 4 things)And look on each one as an achievement,and not worry about anything else that needed doing, eventually i was taking on more tasks without even realising, Hope this helps
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If you cant beat them, Join them!! But i refuse to start farming!!!!
Posts: 355 | Registered: Apr 2002
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Schroedinger's cat
Ship's cool cat
# 64
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Posted
Altanta - hugs and prayers for you. Keep us in touch, and remember we are all here for you.
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Blog
Music for your enjoyment
Lord may all my hard times be healing times
take out this broken heart and renew my mind.
Posts: 18859 | From: At the bottom of a deep dark well. | Registered: May 2001
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Ophelia's Opera Therapist
Shipmate
# 4081
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Posted
Appreciated the honesty of so many of the above posts. And identified with a lot.
One thing someone told me is that depression is frozen anger.
What does anyone think?
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Though the bleak sky is burdened I'll pray anyway,
And though irony's drained me I'll now try sincere,
And whoever it was that brought me here
Will have to take me home. Martyn Joseph
Posts: 979 | From: Birmingham, UK | Registered: Feb 2003
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duchess
Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764
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Posted
Out of Therapy, I was told it is repressed anger by a professional. I tend to believe that. That is one of the reasons I express myself a lot...I find my depression goes down. It's about sharing what is on your mind, but in a Christian manner (something I sometimes forget). I just wrote an old classmate an apology for that very reason (I offended him with my lame humor). It is a tricky thing, walking the tightrope of expressing thyself.
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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party
Posts: 11197 | From: Do you know the way? | Registered: May 2002
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Garden Hermit
Shipmate
# 109
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Posted
This may be a total divergence but over the last weekend the BBC has run a lot of 'violence in the home' problems. This has all been along the lines 'Violence is bad so stop it' rather than how do we deal with all these pent up problems we all face.
Violence (physical and verbal) may be the opposite side of the coin to depression.
Maybe it's so ingrained in us Christians that 'letting go', eg breaking plates, swearing, stamping etc is such a bad childish thing we can't let go when we really need to.
Over-turning a few tables actually might be a good idea.
But we all live in a Society which prevents more and more things. Don't swear, don't be sexist, don't be racist, don't be etc.
Maybe playing rugby and football for example got violence out of men/boys.
Just as a final thought, - I've found that spending a day down my allotment digging makes me so tired. I'm not depressed, I'm not anything accept shattered. Nothing matters accept sleep.
Maybe physical activity, - running, jogging, walking, cycling, digging is part of the answer.
Pax et Bonum
Posts: 1413 | From: Reading UK | Registered: May 2001
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
I have heard that but you might also argue that equally anger is just expressed depression. Yes, sometimes it can be turned around and expressed outwards, sometimes it's helpful, but I don't think it's always true to say depression is repressed anger. Certainly I wouldn't say people with serotonin deficiencies (or whatever) are just suffering from repressed anger.
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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doug
Apprentice
# 474
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Posted
I think that someone defined depression as anger directed at the self..
I think that has been my experience and my inability to properly channel anger (and other emotions) in an appropriate way instead of bottling it up has contributed to some really fun times
I suppose that, for me, realising that sometimes its *ok* to be angry about something (without having to say or do anything you might regret) was an important turning point.
love and hugs to all,
d.
Posts: 28 | From: Oxford | Registered: Jun 2001
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