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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Hell: F*$#! in the middle of the service.
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Xavierite
Shipmate
# 2575
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Posted
When a priest (not at my normal church) decided that halfway through the gospel was a good time to start engaging in historico-critical speculations on the authenticity of Jesus' sayings as reported by John. Having come to the conclusion Jesus didn't really say what was about to be read in the second half of the gospel, he then finished the interruption by saying that he was only telling us this to be "honest".
I had several words running through my mind at the time, but "honest" was not one of them.
![[Mad]](angryfire.gif)
Posts: 2307 | Registered: Apr 2002
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brodavid
Shipmate
# 460
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Posted
The only time I can think of was when a guest preacher at our church was passionately denouncing the decline of American culture, and specificly mentioned the horrible case in Texas in which a mentally disturbed woman (I forget the name.) drowned all of her children in the bathtub. The preacher lamented the fact that she had escaped the death penalty, and said, "If you don't want her killed, then there's something wrong with you!" Only respect for my uncle, who is the pastor, kept me from walking out, and I'm a conservative. The guest preacher hasn't been back. The really sad part is that when this man simply preaches the Gospel, instead of all his political/cultural stuff, he's very powerful.
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Brodavid
"Prayer can do anything that God can do."
- E.M. Bounds
Posts: 702 | From: Mississippi, USA | Registered: Jun 2001
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Margaret
Shipmate
# 283
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Posted
quote:
We used to have John Avanzini visit as guest pastor sometimes, a classic prosperity preacher
Oh yes, he's even got as far afield (complete with warm-up man) as Bloxwich in the English West Midlands, where he gave me several F%@* moments in a service a few years ago. I think the bit I liked most was when we had to turn to one another and say "I wanna be (pause) DEBT-FREE!"
Posts: 2456 | From: West Midlands UK | Registered: May 2001
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jlg
What is this place?
Why am I here?
# 98
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Posted
That's not a F*#^ moment, Margaret, that's a 'sit still, arms crossed, facing forward and refuse to do anything except perhaps stare coldly at the preacher' moment.
Posts: 17391 | From: Just a Town, New Hampshire, USA | Registered: May 2001
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MrSponge2U
Ship’s scrub
# 3076
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Posted
Even better than that was the time I heard a radio sermon from Mr. Avanzini where he claimed Jesus was rich, and the apostle Paul was very wealthy too, with the reason he kept getting thrown in jail so often was because the authorities wanted to get their hands on his money.
![[Eek!]](eek.gif) ![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif) ![[Disappointed]](graemlins/disappointed.gif)
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sig? what sig?
Posts: 3558 | From: where two big rivers meet | Registered: Jul 2002
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Beethoven
Ship's deaf genius
# 114
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by ej:
- Watching the church's youth deacon sit there through one of my youth group girls first sermons (at the age of 19 - poor thing was terrified but so excited) and just shake his head all the way through it, right in front of her...
Mr B regularly shakes his head in despair at our vicar's sermons. Before I was allowed to abscond back to 'my' church I'd developed a new scoring system for sermons: count the number of head shakes, whispered despairing groans, and - on the truly great occasion - fiercly whispered corrections. It's coming to something when even I could notice a few of the heresies beign preached.
I can't think of any particular F*#! moments, but there were numerous times that I wanted to stand up and challenge what was said - often the declaration that life nowadays is tougher than it has ever been. This to a wealthy, satisfied, middle-class congregation.
There was also the occasion of a friend's First Mass. At the end of the service, the congregation were invited forward to kiss the hand of the new priest. Not so much F*$#! as Hell, no! ![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
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Who wants to be a rock anyway?
toujours gai!
Posts: 1309 | From: Here (and occasionally there) | Registered: May 2001
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Jo Jo
Apprentice
# 3836
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Misercordia Adulterina Killsin:
Y'all make it sound like yelling fuck in church is so unusual!?
It should be. Why do we feel that we should come out with expletives? I struggle very hard to NOT swear when I often feel like it. As Christians we should stand apart from the world, not conforming to it. That's not just a slur on you Misercordia Adulterina Killsin, but on anyone who endorses it.
Now, I wonder if I get anyone supporting me here...
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"We're content to pitch our tent when the glory's evident, but seldom do we know the glory came and went."
Posts: 3 | From: Oxfordshire, England | Registered: Dec 2002
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John Donne
Renaissance Man
# 220
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Posted
Stand back darling heart, I am about to shield you with my eff-word distributing body. No greater love and all that.
I know my fellow posters are going to cut you some slack. Aren't you fellow posters? ![[Wink]](wink.gif)
Posts: 13667 | From: Perth, W.A. | Registered: May 2001
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Jo Jo
Apprentice
# 3836
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Icarus Coot:
Stand back darling heart, I am about to shield you with my eff-word distributing body. No greater love and all that.
I know my fellow posters are going to cut you some slack. Aren't you fellow posters?
You are truly a gentleman! It doesn't bother me that people do, it bothers me that people don't care they do - follow that...
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"We're content to pitch our tent when the glory's evident, but seldom do we know the glory came and went."
Posts: 3 | From: Oxfordshire, England | Registered: Dec 2002
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Tom Day
Ship's revolutionary
# 3630
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Posted
My f**K moment in church.
Well one of them had to of been when i went to a service at my local baptist church, and they were having a send off for some missionaries going to Africa (i think).
This took the best part of 2 hours, what with testamonies from them, from people who knew them, from people who looked after thie pets etcetc. And included all their fav songs. Nothing wrong with that.
THEN the minister said, lets carry on with our normal sunday eve service, we had a 45min sermon about missionaries and how good it is, sang some more songs and got out about 3+h after it all started. And it was hot and no air conditioning.
I was seconds away from walking out when the 'normal' service started apart from my girlfriend at the time, who goes there, was sitting next to me.
tom
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My allotment blog
Posts: 6473 | From: My Sofa | Registered: Dec 2002
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Panda
Shipmate
# 2951
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Posted
quote:
Beethoven said:
There was also the occasion of a friend's First Mass. At the end of the service, the congregation were invited forward to kiss the hand of the new priest. Not so much F*$#! as Hell, no!
I went to one like that too, only with this one the congregation were invited to queue up to be individually blessed by the new priest. It seemed a long way off from all the prostrating that had gone on at the beginning of the service, and felt distinctly like, "Well, that was me being humble, now it's your turn!" Definitely bordering on a f**k moment.
[Your code was well past a f*** moment.]
[ 22. January 2003, 17:52: Message edited by: sarkycow ]
Posts: 1637 | From: North Wales | Registered: Jun 2002
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brodavid
Shipmate
# 460
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by ThatsMrJuice2U:
Even better than that was the time I heard a radio sermon from Mr. Avanzini where he claimed Jesus was rich, and the apostle Paul was very wealthy too, with the reason he kept getting thrown in jail so often was because the authorities wanted to get their hands on his money.
![[Confused]](confused.gif) ![[Ultra confused]](graemlins/confused2.gif)
What does he do with that "no place to lay his head" passage?
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Brodavid
"Prayer can do anything that God can do."
- E.M. Bounds
Posts: 702 | From: Mississippi, USA | Registered: Jun 2001
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MrSponge2U
Ship’s scrub
# 3076
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by brodavid:
What does he do with that "no place to lay his head" passage?
I remember he had an explanation for that, but it was so convoluted I honestly don't remember what he said.
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sig? what sig?
Posts: 3558 | From: where two big rivers meet | Registered: Jul 2002
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Sean D
Cheery barman
# 2271
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by brodavid:
What does he do with that "no place to lay his head" passage?
Betcha we could come up with suggestions about what he could do with it though. ![[Devil]](graemlins/devil.gif)
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postpostevangelical
http://www.stmellitus.org/
Posts: 2126 | From: North and South Kensington | Registered: Feb 2002
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Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012
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Posted
Dear Jo Jo,
Hi, and welcome to the Ship. It's good to see you jump right in and start posting in Hell.
Most people who come into Hell understand the tone and atmosphere fairly well, but occasionally we get someone who doesn't. I'm sure you do understand, and were just entering into the spirit of Hell, with all the discord and disagreement that entails. If you were looking for a serious discussion of whether Christians should swear or not, then try Purgatory.
Hope this helps, enjoy wandering the decks,
Viki, hellhost
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“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”
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chukovsky
Ship's toddler
# 116
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Posted
Three different moments. Don't see why I shouldn't name the churches involved:
Easter retreat at Worth Abbey. We are told "Communion for Catholics is at the altar; there is communion for Anglicans in the side chapel". What the F&)^( am I, neither Catholic nor Anglican, supposed to do? To give them credit, I went back the following year and they treated confession much more sensitively, if you wanted to make a confession you were invited to but if you "weren't used to confession or didn't feel ready" you could also ask to see a counsellor.
Service at St Aldate's in Oxford during the late, lamented ![[Snigger]](graemlins/snigger.gif) Toronto Blessing. Various people started "holy laughter" at the hypnotis... sorry, suggestion of the minister. Some teenage girls started laughing at the whole idea. The minister was stupid enough to try and encourage them - can't he tell the difference between "touched by the Spirit/a sudden sheep-like mentality" and "teenage giggling"?
Service at St Helen's Bishopsgate. I should have known better when a friend said "it has good teaching"... have since learnt to avoid churches like that. In the sermon the minister not only preached against the evils of women priests and mentioned "backsliding" (in my games of Sermon Bingo I hadn't heard that one before - yes, I know I'm sheltered!), but he also slammed all other kinds of Sunday School material - other than the one they wanted to introduce - "some of these Sunday Schools are just play school!". Heaven forbid that children should play!!!
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This space left intentionally blank. Do not write on both sides of the paper at once.
Posts: 6842 | From: somewhere else | Registered: May 2001
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welsh dragon
Shipmate
# 3249
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Posted
Yes, I used to go to Worth quite a lot in the 80s Chuk. One time I was with a group of friends from college who were Anglican (I was then a practising Catholic), again at Easter. And my best friend was on the verge of tears at being excluded from the communion. IRC there wasn't any provision for Anglicans at all. And IRC I didn't go to communion either and stayed in the pew with the people who were being excluded.
At least it's good that that is changing...
I really loved the main service at Greenbelt last year btw, just because it so cleverly got around this problem of how to manage distributing communion to a very large number of people, all from diffrent backgrounds...
Posts: 5352 | From: ebay | Registered: Aug 2002
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Zipporah
Silent witness
# 3896
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Posted
Oh help! There are some right cranks out there aren't there - it would be funny if it weren't so serious!
My "F@*& r&*£$% off" moment is very mild in comparison - we had a laity trainee preahing one week. The essence of her sermon was that things like
epilepsy, diabetes, ME, mental health problems, are not medical issues they are spiritual ones, be warned brothers and sisters that demons are alive and well and operating amongst us today make-no-mistake-about-that"!
It is the only time I wish I had got up and marched out - only trouble being I am in the choir and rather shy. So I had to endure her poisonous drivel. It was only after the service was over I found out that several others had wanted to do the same thing.
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Back after a lengthy absence - it's been too long ...
A ship in port is safe, but that is not what ships are for. sail out to sea and do new things. Grace Hopper
Posts: 1792 | From: a world of my own | Registered: Jan 2003
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Calypso
Shipmate
# 3692
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Posted
I can't count the number of times I've had the overwhelming urge to get up and scream in the middle of church. In fact I haven't been to church for years.
#(*&$ moment #1)Being someone with mild Autistic tendencies, I have little tolerance for loud noises so everytime they start singing I want to hide under the pew... mind you, that's no ones fault. The problem was, because I stood there looking pained and refused to sing or wave my arms around people came to the conclusion that I wasn't a good christian and that I was having "issues". They don't seem to understand that not eveyone likes to dance around in the isle like a maniac... yeesh.
#$&*( moment #2) The event that eventually led to me leaving that church was centered around the youth group (for highschoolers). I was 16 and had already been involved with the youth group for several years. Now that year, they introduced us to our new youth pastor and I must say I instantly disliked him. To be frank... he was an idiot. Anyway... most of the kids were between 14, 15 or 16 and to be honest most of them were spoiled brats who didn't give a rats arse about anyone but themselves. But he thought they were wonderful and told them so. He didn't like me though. I think he didn't trust me because I was different... I even got the impression he was afraid of me . As a result I was totally ignored by my peers *and* the youth pastor. This I could tolerate but the final straw was when he was giving a sermon one Saturday night (He was also very inarticulate "aks" instead of "ask"... Psssh!) and he got onto the topic of todays youth and proceeded to single out a particular member of the youth group, a 14 year old girl from my school, and talk about how wonderful she was. He then went on to tell us that we should all follow her example etc etc and made a few pointed remarks which I'm sure were aimed at the likes of me. What was ironic is that this girl was a little tart who was only interested in sex and went on to work as a prostitute at Firecats ![[Killing me]](graemlins/killingme.gif) .
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Dys dógor þu geþyld hafa wéana gehwylces, swá ic þé wéne to.
Posts: 204 | From: New Zealand | Registered: Dec 2002
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Gill H
Shipmate
# 68
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Posted
A church I no longer attend (hmmm ... there's a pattern here) had a visiting preacher who had lectured all week on figures from recent church history. He'd been very good at this, and I had no idea he was also a prosperity nut.
Sunday's sermon was all about how he was so thankful that God had blessed him with a beautiful house, pool, car, wife (yeah, probably in that order) etc etc. And how he wasn't going to share them with others, because that would deprive them of the opportunity to experience these blessings directly from God.
I didn't yell any expletives (though it might have been fun), but I pointedly walked out.
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*sigh* We can’t all be Alan Cresswell.
- Lyda Rose
Posts: 9313 | From: London | Registered: May 2001
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Gill H
Shipmate
# 68
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by The Machine Elf:
quote:
Originally posted by The one & only Nanny Ogg:
from the front comes "I feel there is someone here who is trying for a baby"
Actually during the service?
TME
Well, obviously. Didn't you read the thread title?
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*sigh* We can’t all be Alan Cresswell.
- Lyda Rose
Posts: 9313 | From: London | Registered: May 2001
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Curious
Shipmate
# 93
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Posted
The F@&* moment in the church I used to attend was when the vicar decided in the middle of the service that £3000 should be given to a local charity. No discussion, just a word of knowledge.
The fact that we were facing a deficit budget seemed to have passed him by....
(He also used to tell us of holy moments he'd had on the toilet - but I guess that's not a really F@&* moment.)
Curious
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Erin - you are missed more than you could know. Rest in peace and rise in glory - to provide unrest in the heavenly realms.
Posts: 1372 | From: Betwixt and between | Registered: May 2001
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adso
Shipmate
# 2895
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Posted
Years ago a friend of mine said "Oh f**k this" at the altar rail and stormed out - the priest had just given him a blessing instead of communion. As far as we could work out it was because he is unusually short and the priest tended to assume that everyone under a certain height was too young to have been confirmed yet.
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os justi meditabitur sapientiam, et lingua eius loquetur judicium. lex dei eius in corde ipsius, et non supplantabuntur gressus eius. alleluia.
Posts: 688 | From: pays de galles | Registered: Jun 2002
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Anselmina
Ship's barmaid
# 3032
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Curious:
(He also used to tell us of holy moments he'd had on the toilet - but I guess that's not a really F@&* moment.)
Curious
No, more a fart moment ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Irish dogs needing homes! http://www.dogactionwelfaregroup.ie/ Greyhounds and Lurchers are shipped over to England for rehoming too!
Posts: 10002 | From: Scotland the Brave | Registered: Jul 2002
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Duo Seraphim*
Sea lawyer
# 3251
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Posted
Another f@#$!! moment.
A dear friend of mine, who is not a regular churchgoer, but is sympathetic, as it were, went to the funeral of the mother of a mutual friend, Louise.
The deceased was a fine, staunch Anglican of the old school and the parishioner of a parish on the North Shore of Sydney for 50 years. So naturally her funeral service took place at the church she had worshipped at for so many years.
The priest who had known her for most of that time could not be there, so the service was taken by a new, young priest.
It all started well. The old lady's son and daughter said some words about the old lady and then our mutual friend read a beautiful passage she had chosen from St Paul's letter to the Corinthians. The young priest then stood up and preached a sermon.
Here is what my friend said about it: "For 20 minutes, this priestling gave us a university lecture on the correct interpretation of a few words from this passage that poor Louise had chosen quite unwittingly. It was for all the world as if he was discussing his theology essay with his tutor. He had a captive audience there of mostly non-churchgoers and he said nothing about the old lady and her life in that parish."
I said "But he wasn't the priest who knew her."
He said "Yes, but even so he could have found out and his audience might have wanted to hear some words of comfort from him about the soul, about God and the afterlife and might have been influenced by them. What they got was a critical analysis of a few words of the Bible. At least six people at that service have said to Louise and to me how angry they were about it. I thought it was stupid and insensitive."
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2^8, eight bits to a byte
Posts: 3967 | From: Sydney Australia | Registered: Aug 2002
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RuthW
liberal "peace first" hankie squeezer
# 13
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Curious:
(He also used to tell us of holy moments he'd had on the toilet - but I guess that's not a really F@&* moment.)
Is he a Lutheran?
Posts: 24453 | From: La La Land | Registered: Apr 2001
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tomb
Shipmate
# 174
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by adso:
Years ago a friend of mine said "Oh f**k this" at the altar rail and stormed out - the priest had just given him a blessing instead of communion. As far as we could work out it was because he is unusually short and the priest tended to assume that everyone under a certain height was too young to have been confirmed yet.
The Offspring, who had been baptized when he was 5 days old, began receiving communion about the same time he started to take solid food, though they did refuse him the Cup whenever he was teething because he bit the chalice minister when he stuck a wine-dipped finger in his mouth.
Baptism is full initiation into the Body of Christ, and baptized people should never be denied the Sacrament (unless they are a "notorious and evil liver" or some other organ).
Does the C of E still engage in the heretical blasphemy of denying the Sacrament to unconfirmed people? "Oh, fuck!" indeed.
Posts: 5039 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: May 2001
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Amos
Shipmate
# 44
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Posted
It varies from church to church here and priest to priest. Debating it is one of the favourite displacement activities.
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At the end of the day we face our Maker alongside Jesus--ken
Posts: 7667 | From: Summerisle | Registered: May 2001
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anglicanrascal
Shipmate
# 3412
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by chukovsky:
Easter retreat at Worth Abbey. We are told "Communion for Catholics is at the altar; there is communion for Anglicans in the side chapel". What the F&)^( am I, neither Catholic nor Anglican, supposed to do?
If you are a member of Christ's Church and you are in England, you naturally fall under the umbrella of the Church of England.
Posts: 3186 | From: Diocese of Litigalia | Registered: Oct 2002
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Linus
Apprentice
# 3961
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Posted
I fall under the umbrella of the church of england? If that's not a cause for expletives, i don't know what is
L:>
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"In a world full of fugitives, the one taking the opposite direction will appear to run away" - t.s.elliot
Posts: 32 | From: Leicester and Newcastle, UK | Registered: Jan 2003
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Merseymike
Shipmate
# 3022
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Posted
It depends on the individual congregation. Our church gives all adults Communion, but children who attend the church are blessed until they go through confirmation.
This may be a question of whether confirmation is seen as valuable in itself or not. Its often referred to as The Great Exit, particularly amongst priests, as more often than not after the child is confirmd, they disappear. Too often it is used as an entrance into a church school, rather than Church itself.
We probably need a new Purgatorial thread on this one...
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Christianity is not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be experienced
Posts: 3360 | From: Walked the plank | Registered: Jul 2002
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Second Mouse
Citizen of Grand Fenwick
# 2793
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Posted
More of a "Don't be so ridiculous" moment, than anything stronger. It happened in a church where the vicar was more charismatically inclined that the congregation and was rather prone to chivying us along:
"After the next song we will have a spontaneous round of applause"
I'm sorry, but what definition of spontaneous was he using?
Claire
Posts: 1254 | From: West Yorkshire | Registered: May 2002
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trying hard
Apprentice
# 3914
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Posted
We have a recognized Race Relations Sunday in the Baptist church. Our pastor at that time was a retired Naval chaplain, who had preached in our church before he even graduated from seminary and had returned to the fold after retirement from the USN. He proposed that we share services with one of the local "black" Baptist churches, one Sunday in our church, the next in theirs. Outwardly everyone was all for it. Privately, several of our lovely, God-fearing members called him and told him if "those people" came, they( the members) would never darken our doors again. Pesonally, I think we would be infinitely better off without them.
Anyway, now every time I hear one of them prat on about loving God and working on a relationship with God, I just want to yell"You flaming hypocrites!!How can you sit there and talk about loving God when you reject so many of his children!!!"
Of course, I take every opportunity to get in some little digs every chance I get(they don't know I know obout their call). I do this because I want them to think about the error of their ways, and because I am a wicked person. ![[Two face]](graemlins/scot_twoface.gif)
Posts: 6 | From: NC | Registered: Jan 2003
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chukovsky
Ship's toddler
# 116
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by anglicanrascal:
quote:
Originally posted by chukovsky:
What the F&)^( am I, neither Catholic nor Anglican, supposed to do?
If you are a member of Christ's Church and you are in England, you naturally fall under the umbrella of the Church of England.
Not if you are a non-conformist, and don't want to belong to an established church.
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Posts: 6842 | From: somewhere else | Registered: May 2001
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anglicanrascal
Shipmate
# 3412
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Posted
Good heavens - as if "what you want" plays any part in your spiritual status. I can't imagine that any of this non-denominational stuff is proper and legal.
Posts: 3186 | From: Diocese of Litigalia | Registered: Oct 2002
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welsh dragon
Shipmate
# 3249
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Posted
How about singing a particularly dirge-ike chorus (which went, ironically "celebrate, let's celebrate...") to which no one was clapping along?And having the part time curate, who was standing next to me, digging me in the ribs and urging me to clap, all the way through? (With me folding my arms and growling "nope" through gritted teeth?) Would that do for spontaneous?
Posts: 5352 | From: ebay | Registered: Aug 2002
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anglicanrascal
Shipmate
# 3412
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Posted
I confess that I didn't think of using any words beginning with "F", but the only time I have walked out of church was in one of the St Augustine's in Manchester Diocese (or perhaps in +Beverley's Diocese to be more exact).
Some pretentious AC prat ranted out a sermon suggesting that if we hadn't prayed to Mary during our lifetimes ("ignoring the graces of the Blessed Virgin" or some other nonsense), then when we got to heaven Jesus would coldly introduce us, saying, "This is my mother. I don't believe you have met" before turning us away from the pearly gates.
I had quite patiently endured the seven or so Marian hymns that had preceded the sermon during the course of the service, even joining in the verses that weren't blatantly idolatrous (liberal, ain't it?).
I wanted to be able to bang the door as I walked out, but I remember there was some hitch - an automatic door closer, or padding (or the incense soup getting in the way of the door) or something. Anyway, the crash I wanted to make was little more than a dull thud. ![[Frown]](frown.gif)
To be fair, some of the congregation had just got back from a pilgrimage to the (popish) shrine at Walsingham, so maybe they were still a bit drugged up from the atmosphere down there - but still, a little to OTT for pore little ole me.
Posts: 3186 | From: Diocese of Litigalia | Registered: Oct 2002
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babybear
Bear faced and cheeky with it
# 34
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Zipporah:
It is the only time I wish I had got up and marched out - only trouble being I am in the choir and rather shy. So I had to endure her poisonous drivel.
Is anyone up for making a pact of the utter rubbish that is sometime preached?
Let us decide not to let nutter go unchallenged.
Who is with me in this?
bb
Posts: 13287 | From: Cottage of the 3 Bears (and The Gremlin) | Registered: May 2001
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Anselmina
Ship's barmaid
# 3032
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Linus:
I fall under the umbrella of the church of england? If that's not a cause for expletives, i don't know what is
L:>
The umbrella of the Church of England? Have things got so bad that we can only afford one!?
It's better than falling under the jurisdiction of a bishop: smelly and dark in there....
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Irish dogs needing homes! http://www.dogactionwelfaregroup.ie/ Greyhounds and Lurchers are shipped over to England for rehoming too!
Posts: 10002 | From: Scotland the Brave | Registered: Jul 2002
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Amos
Shipmate
# 44
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Posted
I think I mentioned this F@*&$ moment on the old boards once, but what the h$#*. We were on holiday in the north of England about eight years ago, visiting the local parish church on a Sunday. The church was lovely, unspoiled, very rural. The congregation was small and elderly. The vicar had chosen as his text Acts 21. When he got to verse 24, he remarked, offhand, "Isn't it just like the Jews to harp on about money?"
At that point I actually shouted "NO!" much to the embarrassment of my family.
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Another great F%#$ moment came in a diocesan assembly in Boston. One young man, soon to be ordained and known to be favoured by the Bishop, came up to preach. "If Jesus were here now, do you know what he'd be saying?" he asked. "Do you know what he'd be saying? He'd be saying, 'Join a church group!'" ![[Projectile]](graemlins/puke2.gif)
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At the end of the day we face our Maker alongside Jesus--ken
Posts: 7667 | From: Summerisle | Registered: May 2001
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Tubbs
Miss Congeniality
# 440
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Curious:
The F@&* moment in the church I used to attend was when the vicar decided in the middle of the service that £3000 should be given to a local charity. No discussion, just a word of knowledge.
The fact that we were facing a deficit budget seemed to have passed him by....
(He also used to tell us of holy moments he'd had on the toilet - but I guess that's not a really F@&* moment.)
Curious
Oh ... my friend's f&%* moment is very similar. His church's minister had been invited to preach in Australia so they had a collection to raise money for him and his wife to go. They raised much more than they needed - so the minister and his wife used it to go on holiday to Bali.
At the same time the church had been scaling back it's other projects as they were short of money. And this same minister had been urging the congregation to make sacrifices so the church's valuable work could go on ... Idiot.
Tubbs
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"It's better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than open it up and remove all doubt" - Dennis Thatcher. My blog. Decide for yourself which I am
Posts: 12701 | From: Someplace strange | Registered: Jun 2001
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Callan
Shipmate
# 525
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Posted
Originally posted by anglicanrascal:
quote:
Some pretentious AC prat ranted out a sermon suggesting that if we hadn't prayed to Mary during our lifetimes ("ignoring the graces of the Blessed Virgin" or some other nonsense), then when we got to heaven Jesus would coldly introduce us, saying, "This is my mother. I don't believe you have met" before turning us away from the pearly gates.
This is bad, why?
I am torn between my top three moments. The chap who suggested that there was no real point to the peace process between Israel and Palestine because God giving the Jews back their land was a sign that the end was nigh. Then there was the chap who began his sermon by explaining how some evo had rebuked the devil in Manchester, thus rendering all occult activity in Manchester impotent. I've always wondered how they knew??
However, I fear that my all time favourite (probably because it happened in a liberal m-o-r church, lets face it one expects these things in, er, other places) was a Reader who preached without notes for the first time, got thoroughly flummoxed, and told the congregation that earthquakes are good because it shows that the earth is still growing and that "Christianity is a violent religion. If you don't believe me look at christian countries like Ireland...or Israel". The fact that the passage he preached on hadn't been read in Church that morning was probably not ideal either.
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How easy it would be to live in England, if only one did not love her. - G.K. Chesterton
Posts: 9757 | From: Citizen of the World | Registered: Jun 2001
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Panda
Shipmate
# 2951
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Posted
Way-hey, what fun; I just had my best F%*& moment last night, at a college chapel I sing at. Sorry if this is long or looks like a MW report, but I'm still steaming.
First of all, there was no congregation, just the choir, the chaplain and the two conscripted servers. Why? Because he doesn’t believe in advertising services, or even posting a music list. After all, People Should Know When There’s A Service. And Thursday a 6.15 is a perfectly normal time. But I digress.
During the first hymn, the chaplain realises he’s left something in the sacristy, and wanders back to get it (this is a typical college chapel, with the choir facing each other across the central aisle) and wanders back again, arms swinging as he goes. Two minutes later he goes over to the server, has a conversation which turns out to be about the credence table not being prepared, as the server then scurries down, gets a chalice, and scurries back.
The first lesson. The other server comes up from where he’s been standing by the door (looking very much like a bouncer), goes to the lectern, and sees there is no Bible there. He turns helplessly to the chaplain, who motions him to the altar, saying loudly, ‘Just use that one.’ So the server goes BEHIND THE ALTAR and reads from the Bible on the stand. Care to consecrate anything while you’re up there? No? Okay, have a seat.
Psalm – nope, forgotten, despite the chaplain’s hearing us rehearse it. So straight into the Gospel we go. The chaplain reads from the same Bible the server just did, but doesn’t pick it up, or hold the sides of the stand; no, he leans his weight on both hands on the altar while reading, never once looking up. Next the creed, also read without looking up, from behind the altar. So we’ve turned east like good little Anglicans and all we can focus on is him. Grand.
Intercessions – a server stands in front of the altar with what appears to be Super-Bob’s Handy Book Of Prayers For Those Who Can’t Be Arsed To Pray About Anything Relevant, and flips through it, lighting on three prayers, which are all right in themselves, but nothing to with Communion, a college chapel, an impending war, nothing like that. Ah well.
Communion – and here’s where the shortcomings of the condensed prayer book begin to manifest themselves – or at least in the hands of the liturgically-impaired. All the prayers are ploughed through at full speed, not allowing for any joining in, not even the prayer of humble access. We receive, sing the anthem, during which the chaplain and server have an extended conversation about I know not what as they perform the ablutions.
We mercifully reach the end, he announces the hymn, saying, “…which I must say, I have never sung before.” Truly, I don’t know if he meant it as a joke, or to lighten the atmosphere, or what. Just odd. We process outside, and the chaplain says that he would like some suggestions from the choir as to possible changes in the liturgy, because we were not overburdened with congregation this evening, were we, ha ha! – so it’s patently obvious that it’s the Prayerbook keeping them away, isn’t it.
Please, if there is a priest going spare nearby, come and rescue us. The worst part is, this happens every week.
Posts: 1637 | From: North Wales | Registered: Jun 2002
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Clíona
Shipmate
# 2035
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Posted
There have been many F*$#! moments actually. Usually they've been in (Roman) Catholic churches in Ireland when the sermon ends up being totally irrelevant to the congregation and not based on the readings or Gospel at all. And then I suppose it's a mercy that it's only 5 minutes long.
I do remember one ranting priest from the parish church I went to as a child. It was at his masses that you could hear an audible groan from the congregation when he'd walk out. (There being 4 or 5 priests in the parish you never knew which one you were going to get.) Anyway, one memorable sermon was about the fact that 'planned' children are not God's wish. I suppose it was another way of sermonising about the evils of contraception, but the whole thing was saying that a married couple (of course the parents would always be married) should not try to plan how long they would wait before conceiving, as it was up to the Holy Spirit to control it, not them. To plan was wrong.
(Come to think of it, it reminds me of the 'Protestant' couple out of that memorable Monty Python song-sketch. The wife says something like: Blimey, those Catholics had a child every time they 'did it'. And the husband looks at their son and says: So did we. )
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Starting (yet) again...
Posts: 1262 | From: Back in Dublin | Registered: Dec 2001
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ChrisT
One of the Good Guys™
# 62
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Posted
All together now 'Every sperm is saaaacred...'
I remember more than one sermon where the preacher-bloke (I very rarely heard a woman speak in churches I went to) said that if bad things happen to you it's because of unconfessed sin in your life. Maybe I'm evil, but I glean a certain modicum of pleasure watching their families falling apart.
Good grief, I'm glad to be out of charismania. But the alternatives sound pretty horrific as well!
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Firmly on dry land
Posts: 6489 | From: Here, there and everywhere | Registered: May 2001
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Touchstone
Shipmate
# 3560
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Posted
I used to attend a church which was one of five in the parish, so we saw the vicar only infrequently. One Sunday a new vicar, somewhat insecure and determined to crack the whip, chose to completely ignore the readings, season, rubrics etc., and devote his entire sermon to telling us to stop singing the nicene creed. Apparently God had revealed to the eminent cleric that we should say the creed from thenceforth. Five minutes in I was already wishing the ground would swallow me up when an old stalwart of the congregation leapt to his feet and shouted the vicar down. The only reason the enraged parishioner didn't say "Fuck" was that he was completely incoherent with fury.
We saw even less of that vicar after that...
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Jez we did hand the next election to the Tories on a plate!
Posts: 163 | From: Somewhere west of Bristol | Registered: Nov 2002
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Og: Thread Killer
Ship's token CN Mennonite
# 3200
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by auntbeast:
OK, the curiosity is killing me.... did he per chance land at Regent College?
Just being nosy,
Auntbeast
Auntbeast, could you pm me on this one; I am a little reluctant to go to public much here. I pmed you a few days ago and await a reply.
[Hopefully she'll also PM you the arcane secret of how to use Preview post.]
[ 26. January 2003, 05:18: Message edited by: RooK ]
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I wish I was seeking justice loving mercy and walking humbly but... "Cease to lament for that thou canst not help, And study help for that which thou lament'st."
Posts: 5025 | From: Toronto | Registered: Aug 2002
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Toby
Shipmate
# 3522
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Posted
I do not make a habit of saying profanities, but nowadays I incresingly certainly think them. I recall going to a service at a youth church that had broken off from the Anlican diocese (rather acrimoniously and at considerable emotional cost to the adults in their former parish, and the young people who were not 'spiritual' enough to be invited) against my will as it was one of my youth group activities.
Anyway, there was some American chap there talking when the sporadic rain that comes and goes every half an hour at that time of year in Auckland started up and he paused, pointed up at the roof of the gymnasium, and declared "Hear that. The Bible says that rain is a symbol of teaching. Listen to what I have to say, for the rain has confirmed it as the word of the Lord..." or something to that effect. He also claimed to have caused various mystery snowstorms in various places when preaching in them as 'signs' of his spiritual power. He certainly had a fondness for meteorological phenomena.
Other moments include almost every sunday, when our preachers decide to go on for 40 minutes...
ugh
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'Civilization is only savagery silver-gilt'
Allan Quartermain
Posts: 99 | From: Aotearoa/New Zealand | Registered: Nov 2002
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babybear
Bear faced and cheeky with it
# 34
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Posted
There was a Hell Fire and Brimstone preacher in church one morning. He was also a boring old fart. The hymns were really good, but the sermon was a pile of pants. Besides, I was pregnant at the time and the baby was trying to kick the stuffing out of me.
I decided that his sermon wasn't for me, and went for a little walk. I had a lovely time, and then wandered back for the final hymn. I arrived back just as the preacher was coming out. He gave me an eyeballing. I explained that the baby had been kicking away, and I was most uncomfortable. He declared that the baby had come under the righteous wrath of God and was rebelling against it. I replied that I had though that the baby had rather enjoyed being surrounded by basses during the singing of "O for a Thousand Tongues", and had decided to join in the praise with a bit of break dancing.
His face was a bit of a picture.
bb
Posts: 13287 | From: Cottage of the 3 Bears (and The Gremlin) | Registered: May 2001
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Rowen
Shipmate
# 1194
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Posted
2 stories.... My co-clergy person was taking the Christmas Day Service. About 800 people at the summer seaside resort... He announced we would say the creed, and invited "those who believed in Jesus to stand up and say it, and those who didn't to remain seated and say it". A bunch of ministers and their families, joined me in remaining seated- so as to give some solidarity to a confused bunch of folk who half stood, looked stunned or embaressed- and weren't quite sure what to do. My co-worker then glared around, and challenged those seated to declare their belief in Jesus, during the offering at least, by giving handsomely- "and could all those ministers sitting down please stand up"
2nd story. I was a student minister in my own home church. A lay person, a church member, was leading the service. Someone who was a bit fragile began to cry softly. Suddenly she upped and ran outside. As quietly as I could, I slipped out to see if she was ok. We sat under the stars until she felt calmer, then moved back into the building. We sat on the back pew. The church had room for 600- I guess about 40 attended the night service and they sat at the front. Where we were was darkish- she turned to me and whispered her thanks, saying she felt better now. Lay leader looked up, and asked everyone to turn around and look at the whisperers in the back, who weere disrupting everyone and violently disturbing Jesus. We were reprimanded for our leaving the service and for her tears.
Needless to say, this woman left that church and now worships elsewhere.
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"May I live this day… compassionate of heart" (John O’Donoghue)...
Posts: 4897 | From: Somewhere cold in Victoria, Australia | Registered: Aug 2001
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