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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Hell: F*$#! in the middle of the service.
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Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012
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Posted
Jen, I think you should go back to the CU many times. Just think of how many people you can liberate in this manner ![[Wink]](wink.gif) You've found your vocation in life ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
And Ka_nowlies, welcome to Hell. Feel free to wander round the rest of the SHip and post anywhere you like. You're right, that's a f*&$ moment alright. Didya punch the preacher afterwards? Or just have a word from God for him, that went along the lines of "God says you should f*%$ off and crawl back under your rock."?
Viki, hellhost
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“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”
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Gambit
London Shipmeet King
# 766
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Posted
It's worth knowing that if you really want to disturb members of the CU, ask them if brute force and ignorance are gifts of the Spirit.
I asked this of a member at university I was told a few days later they were praying for the 'devil to be removed from my mind and my tongue'.
Result!
Gambit ![[Devil]](graemlins/devil.gif)
(The devil must still be there, 'cos that's funny as hell)
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There is a little bit of my mitral regurgitation that is forever yours.
Wiblog: Now being updated less than regularly (again).
Posts: 1105 | From: the best bar in Heaven | Registered: Jul 2001
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ambrose
Apprentice
# 4103
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Posted
first time poster- long time lurker
Last year, I used to attend daily Mass at a small Catholic church where I had many F**k moments. One more memorable moment occured when the priest said that we shouldn't do anything to help Aborigines (gave no specific reason) and threw out any info sent to him by indigineous agencies. In the same sermon, he also said that a certain Bishop who had taken two underage aboriginal girls to "live" with him were understandable, and that they were probably better off with him. This was on the day the Pope apologised to Australia's aborigines for past injustice and mistreatment.
This was just one small example, but I used to lose my faith every morning! Couldn't switch parishes either as I had ME/CFS thus limited mobility.
My aunty had the same priest 30 years ago and remembers him as a "grumpy-bum"
Posts: 2 | From: Australia | Registered: Feb 2003
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SirJeff
Ship's gallant knight
# 4089
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by ThatsMrJuice2U:
This didn't happen to me but to a friend of mine. He was attending one of these "seeker-friendly" churches. One day the pastor gave his sermon dressed in one of those athletic workout suits, and preached on the importance of being physically fit.
Then at the end, he had the worship band strike up a rendition of Olivia Newton-John's "Let's Get Physical". ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
I don't think I've ever laughed as hard as I did when I read this. "Let's Get Physical," indeed! Er, was that supposed to be tongue-in-cheek, or was the meaning of that song lost on them completely?
I wish I could remember the proper context of my most infuriating moment, but it's been several years now. I was still regularly attending my parents' church, which I haven't been to in at least four years now, so this must have been six or seven years ago. This church has problems, to say the least. After one pastor resigned, the search committee took a whole year to hire another one who promptly quit after the first week (good job there, guys!), hired another one who served for a year or two before he had to leave because of poor health (this was sad, and he was quite good), then spent so many years trying to find another one that I think they went through several interim pastors. Or maybe they just had a bunch of guest ones. I don't know for sure...I never felt comfortable there, and I finally lost interest in what was going on.
Anyway, it was one of these guest speakers who, while not really a "hellfire and damnation" type, seemed to be really judgmental. I don't remember the whole context, because I blocked much of it out, but the altar call at the end involved some sort of commitment which, of course, there was no excuse any real Christian shouldn't be willing to make, and all those willing to commit should come to the front (to the "altar," which of course does not really exist in a Southern Baptist church, but that's another tangent). His goal was to get the whole congregation up there, and he kept at it until he had bullied most of them up. My parents went, but I didn't buy into it. I was glad to see that I wasn't the only one who stayed glued to my seat. When the guy had gotten all he was going to get, he started praying, first for the ones who did come up, and then for those of us who were "resisting," as though we were missing out on some special part of God's grace by not doing what this dude (not God, mind you, as I felt no particular instruction in this matter for Him) told us to. ![[Mad]](angryfire.gif)
I certainly knew I was in possession of God-given grace, because it took every bit that I had not to yell out what I thought of this particular tactic.
Later, my folks were made well aware of how I felt about that style of ministering.
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Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.
- Oscar Wilde
Posts: 332 | From: A cabin in the sky... | Registered: Feb 2003
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chive
Ship's nude
# 208
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Posted
I remember one particularly pleasant missionary talk where a missionary from South Africa gave a lovely forty minute sermon about the lax morals of black people. And only about half the congregation knew that his 17 year old white daughter was pregnant by someone whose name she'd never really learned.
I had to be restrained from expressing my opinion with much use of the f*** word and instead resorted to walking out as loudly as I could.
Never went back - asked to remove my membership the next day.
Posts: 3542 | From: the cupboard under the stairs | Registered: May 2001
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ManInCageJackWilson
Apprentice
# 4072
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Posted
I've had a few such experiences at a small church in my hometown, where I thankfully spend very little time these days.
One irksome quality (though not so much a f^*k inducer) was the pastor's tendency to turn the word bible into an adjective. That is, when railing against something he felt was not biblical he would regularly invoke the phrase "That's not bible!" Tremendously annoying.
Another specific moment I recall was during one of his rather frequent anti-gay tangents where he offered the following brilliant postulation:
"I sometimes wonder how gay people think the world would continue to be populated if they got their way."
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"Conventionality is not morality. Self-righteousness is not religion. To attack the first is not to assail the last." -- Charlotte Bronte
Posts: 21 | From: Kingston, Ont, Canada | Registered: Feb 2003
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Phase42
Apprentice
# 3823
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Posted
I've been attending two churches for about 5-6 months. My "regular" church is a Four Square church, where I have been the bassist for the worship team for about eight years. I began to attend the second church with a drummer friend, as that church needed a bassist as well.
The second church is an independent Protestant church, with the name "A Jesus Place for Joe Average". The pastor also happens to be ordained by the Four Square church, but this particular congregation is not associated with that denomination.
I'm leaving the second church for a number of reasons, several having to do with being weary of banging my head against the wall attempting to teach the worship team to play together as a group rather than as a jumble of musicians who just happen to be playing the same song.
But on to my F!@#$ moments:
1 - Communion. The pastor believes in taking Communion every day, which is somewhat unusual in Protestant circles. But, I have no issue with that, as I feel his reasoning is sound and Biblical. As a result, we partake of the bread and grape juice every Sunday.
My issue is with how he conducts the ceremony. He has both the bread and juice distributed to the entire congregation right at the beginning of the ceremony, with everybody standing. Then he proceeds to give a 20 minute sermon about the benefits of daily Communion. And then he finally instructs everyone to eat the bread and drink the juice.
Apparently, he doesn't realize just how difficult it is for people to stand in one spot, unmoving for 20-25 minutes, whilst holding a tiny cup of juice in one hand and a tiny piece of bread in the other. There is no place to set the elements down while he lectures on and on. And the problem with his lecture is that he has now been repeating himself to the same small congregation for nearly four months now. I think we all get the point by now! Frankly, I can see no indication in the Biblical account of the Last Supper that Jesus took more than a few minutes to instruct his disciples, "Eat, drink!"
And perhaps this is petty, but he also insists on serving really heavy dark brown, multi-grain & nut bread for communion, because it's more nutritious than white bread or crackers. The flavor of the bread is quite unpleasant to me, and I don't see how the older people with false teeth can even eat the stuff, there is so much birdseed baked into it.
2 - Speaking in tongues. Okay, I was raised in a charismatic Pentecostal church, so tongues are nothing new to me (though I don't speak in tongues myself). Two Sundays ago, the pianist burst out in tongues, *very* loudly, during the prayer time. Okay, no problem there. Her shouting was followed, though, by a woman somewhere in the congregation, also very loudly. It was the second round of "tongues" that bothered me.
The language sounded suspiciously like Italian or Portugese (not Spanish - I hear a lot of Mexican Spanish around my town, and there were no Hispanics in the congregation). What really raised my eyebrows was when I distinctly heard the words "Santa Maria" in the midst of this outburst. When you consider the fact that most tongue-speaking charismatics believe their language to be an unknown, Heavenly language, and then consider the fact that Protestants don't spend a whole lot of time praying to Saint Mary, this woman's "tongues" just didn't seem credible.
Needless to say, there was no "interpretation" of either outburst.
Additionally, my drummer friend is a fairly new Christian, and these outbursts scared the hell out of him. He was suddenly terrified that he had gotten involved with a cult, and ended up later phoning a number of pastors and counselors he'd met to find out what these tongues were all about.
So those things, combined with the fact that this church service follows immediately after my first church and leaves me unable to fellowship with my home congregation, has prompted me to simply leave that second church.
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Rik "Phase42" Osborne
Posts: 10 | From: Wenatchee, WA, USA | Registered: Dec 2002
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John Holding
Coffee and Cognac
# 158
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Phase42:
The language sounded suspiciously like Italian or Portugese (not Spanish - I hear a lot of Mexican Spanish around my town, and there were no Hispanics in the congregation). What really raised my eyebrows was when I distinctly heard the words "Santa Maria" in the midst of this outburst. When you consider the fact that most tongue-speaking charismatics believe their language to be an unknown, Heavenly language, and then consider the fact that Protestants don't spend a whole lot of time praying to Saint Mary, this woman's "tongues" just didn't seem credible.
Needless to say, there was no "interpretation" of either outburst.
Lack of interpretation may be a valid point, although interpretation is only needed if the outburst is Prophecy. If she was just praying very loudly in tongues, then it probably was private, without need for interpretation.
Do beware of assuming that the proper exercise of charismatic gifts automatically conforms to and validates "Protestant" theology and assumptions. I know far more RC charismatics than Protestant ones. If they were to invoke one of the many St. Mary's there are, and if I were to be aware that they were, why would I be surprised? As what is said in tongues -- if authentic -- is from God, why should I doubt it? More to the point, why would someone trying to deceive do such an unexpected thing as refer to St. Mary in a Protestant congregation? And for that matter, if the congregation did not include any Spanish speakers, that would make it more likely, not less, that an authentic tongue might be Spanish or related to it.
By all means test the use of tongues, but do not pre-judge the user or what is said.
John Holding
Posts: 5929 | From: Ottawa, Canada | Registered: May 2001
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Elizabeth Anne
Altar Girl
# 3555
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Posted
When I was about 13 years old, I was in church on Mother's Day when the priest announced that he was going to honor the mothers of the parish. He started giving out little ribbons to the oldest mother, the youngest mother, the newest mother, etc etc etc. I would have had no problem with this if fathers were acknowledged in a similar way on, say, Father's Day, but there never was. The message was clear: "See, women of the church? We won't let you hold positions of authority or anything like that, but we will acknowledge your importance to us......as breeding machines!"
For lack of a better word, *&$%! ![[Disappointed]](graemlins/disappointed.gif)
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Born under a bad sign with a blue moon in my eyes...
Posts: 974 | From: New York | Registered: Nov 2002
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Phase42
Apprentice
# 3823
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Posted
John -
I agree wholeheartedly with your comments. However, having spent a lot of time in situations where people were praying or speaking in tongues, I'm generally very comfortable with it. I guess it was the circumstances of this particular outburst that made me feel as if something wasn't quite right.
In particular, I have observed in this church what seems to be a conscious attempt on the part of the leadership to induce strong emotional responses in people under the guise of "the moving of the Spirit". For example, pastoral prayers that go on and on and on, becoming very repetitive, building in intensity as if to whip the listeners into a frenzy, and only stopping when one or two people in the congregation finally join in, usually very loudly but not always in tongues.
Perhaps I'm simply very insensitive to the Spirit. But as I said, I've grown up in and spent a lot of time with charismatic Christians and this church just doesn't seem right much of the time. I believe this is partly testified to by slow but steady dwindling of the congregation. I've seen a very small number of new faces, but many of the people I saw there six months ago are gone.
Some of the church leaders, including the pastor, have openly stated that they wish to recreate a large, very charismatic church that existed in this town 20 years ago. That church was destroyed because of some financial shenanigans on the part of its treasurer, and many people were hurt. I believe that old church grew because the Spirit *was* moving in it. Unfortunately, this new church seems to be trying to *force* the Spirit to move.
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Rik "Phase42" Osborne
Posts: 10 | From: Wenatchee, WA, USA | Registered: Dec 2002
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ej
Shipmate
# 2259
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Posted
I'm still amazed how many people this thread is bringing out!! Clearly tapped a vein here...
A few CU moments back there, so I thought I'd balance the equation with some SFC (Students for Christ) ^#$@! moments:
- The visiting guest preacher in the midst of the whole Toronto blessing thing who was a rampant 'pusher'... The 6 of us who were onto him kept wandering around the room so he couldn't get to us - Eventually he did, but luckily it's hard for a short-arse to push down my 6ft3 frame... ![[Snigger]](graemlins/snigger.gif)
- The conference session where of the 300 hundred or so people in the audience, he asked all those who were 'baptised in the holy spirit and who could thus speak in tonuges' to come up the front and get prayed for... Needless to say, this made everyone who remained sitting down feel like complete inadequate shit, watching all the 'blessed' ones get prayed for and stuff... My poor non-Christian friend who I'd brought along, and who was interested, naturally got hideously offended and i'd say it was a severe issue for him in eventually rejecting the faith - or at least 'that' faith.
A non-SFC one that a friend told me about (so not my moment specifically, but still worth sharing), was at some women's church breakfast, where the visiting speaker, obviously in a cheeky mood, decided to break the ice with a little game. She got everyone to stand up and then did the usual "everyone who has done 'X' sit down", which is fine until the question was "everyone who has had sex this week, sit down"..... Not only was it very awkward for everybody as you quickly mentally debated whether you should or shouldn't sit down (depending on your marital status, sex life, and social standing!), but this poor girl was next to her mother... who sat down!!
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For my next trick I shall turn this water into funk...
...a little breathing-space...
Posts: 426 | From: Melbourne, Australia | Registered: Jan 2002
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Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012
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Posted
Ambrose, SirJeff, Phase42 and ManInCageJackWilson - welcome to both hell and to the boards generally. Glad to see y'all so quickly getting the hang of the atmosphere round here. Feel free to wander round the other boards and participate as you see fit - please read the 10 Commandments and also the relevant board guidelines before you post elsewehere.
Have fun
Viki, hellhost
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“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”
Posts: 10787 | Registered: Jul 2001
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Ka_nowlies
Apprentice
# 4096
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Posted
Viki - nah I didn't smack him - I was in my Pente days and though it was a momentary lapse of reason on his part... what my mate had to say about Crazy Pat:
..............
My favourite Mesiti moment was when he said hed give away a CD to the
person who put the most in the offertory, and then made people call out
how much they'd put in! One kid yelled out "a hundred dollars" or
something like that, so Pat gave him a CD. A couple minutes later he
confessed he hadn't put any money in at all, and so rather than forgive him
and thank him for his honesty, he hauled the poor guy to the front and
made a public spectacle out of him! FECK!!!
Phil. ![[Not worthy!]](graemlins/notworthy.gif)
Posts: 5 | From: CHCH NEW ZEALAND | Registered: Feb 2003
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Ka_nowlies
Apprentice
# 4096
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Posted
I'm getting the hang of this so I just have to share another one...
I've been involved in church music for about as long as I can remember, and the group I was working with at the time had a meeting with our Youth Pastor. We had questioned the direction he was attempting to take the service we were involved in, and he said to us (virtually a direct quote":
"You guys might think that what I'm saying isn't quite right, but remember that I've been given God's bigger plan, and I'm working within his will, so if you think I'm a little off sometimes, just remember that..."
OMG basically... I just had to share that...
![[Help]](graemlins/help.gif)
Posts: 5 | From: CHCH NEW ZEALAND | Registered: Feb 2003
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tomb
Shipmate
# 174
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Posted
Phase 42,
Your comments about the Foursquare church reminded me of a friend in college who was raised in the Foursquare Gospel church in Los Angeles. She attended the Angelus Temple regularly.
One day, as she told the story, she lost her mind in the middle of the service, stood up, shouted "Lies! All lies!" and ran screaming out of the Sanctuary. She claims to have stolen the portrait of Aimee Sempel Macpherson as she bolted through the vestibule and kept it in her attic.
We begged her many times to bring the portrait back to school with her, but she never did. I have no idea if this story is true or the imagination of a fevered pentecostal brain, but I would give money to have been in the congregation that morning.
Posts: 5039 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: May 2001
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Tau
Shipmate
# 614
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Posted
my F¤%& moments:
1. Years ago, in my Vangie days, I went (God knows why)to the local Methodist church where they had a healing service. They had a visiting miracle man of a preacher--all the way from India. This was pre-Toronto Blessing so the style was traditional "watch me fall". To the preacher's credit, he really did try to push me, but however hard he tried, I wouldn't fall. He interpreted this as further proof that there was indeed something in me that had to "come out in Jesus' name". I'm glad to say that even with my then gullible disposition I had the brain to run the hell out of the place.
2. No separate incident but a class or category: any time a pastor or preacher tells that life with Christ is freedom as opposed religion, which is the enslaving, diabolic replica of true faith. Evidence invariably includes supposed etymology of the word "religion" (basing semantics on etymology is bad in itself, and basing crap semantics on doubtful etymology is an abomination). Just as invariably this revelation (which everybody in the congregation has heard approximately 465 times) is presented as Most Likely Winner of the Biggest Surprise of the Millennium Award.
![[brick wall]](graemlins/brick_wall.gif)
So there.
pax,
AW
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There is no fear in love.
Posts: 191 | From: over here | Registered: Jun 2001
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Zeke
Ship's Inquirer
# 3271
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Posted
My sister once surprised me by becoming very offended by my casual use of the word "religion." I had to remind myself of my fundie upbringing, in which "religion" was almost a dirty word, and often explained to us as a description of other things, but never Christianity.
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No longer the Bishop of Durham
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If men are so wicked with religion, what would they be without it? --Benjamin Franklin
Posts: 5259 | From: Deep in the American desert | Registered: Sep 2002
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Robert Armin
All licens'd fool
# 182
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Posted
Sigh. Zeke, I've had conversations like that too, with fundie friends. I try to avoid the word "religion" but sometimes it just slips out. By what definition is Christianity not a religion? How can you talk with someone when you're not actually using the same language? £$%^ indeed!
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Keeping fit was an obsession with Fr Moity .... He did chin ups in the vestry, calisthenics in the pulpit, and had developed a series of Tai-Chi exercises to correspond with ritual movements of the Mass. The Antipope Robert Rankin
Posts: 8927 | From: In the pack | Registered: May 2001
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The Rogue
Shipmate
# 2275
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Phase42:
So those things, combined with the fact that this church service follows immediately after my first church and leaves me unable to fellowship with my home congregation, has prompted me to simply leave that second church.
To fellowship?????
F&*%"(&"£()^&
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If everyone starts thinking outside the box does outside the box come back inside?
Posts: 2507 | From: Toton | Registered: Feb 2002
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Zeke
Ship's Inquirer
# 3271
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Posted
I hate it when fellowship becomes a verb.
Wanderer, the way I heard it explained was that religion is people reaching out for God, and that Christianity is God reaching out to people. Being the only faith so describable. The word "faith" is preferred, I think.
I don't care, it still annoys me.
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No longer the Bishop of Durham
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If men are so wicked with religion, what would they be without it? --Benjamin Franklin
Posts: 5259 | From: Deep in the American desert | Registered: Sep 2002
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John Donne
Renaissance Man
# 220
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Zeke:
My sister once surprised me by becoming very offended by my casual use of the word "religion." I had to remind myself of my fundie upbringing, in which "religion" was almost a dirty word, and often explained to us as a description of other things, but never Christianity.
Wow! From my fave book of the bible: "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." Jams1:27 (see also v.26 which implies existence of a non-worthless religion made worthless by intemperate speech) Doesn't mean you can't do the 'religious' bits as well.
(Yer snort, don't bother inviting me to consider the text)
Posts: 13667 | From: Perth, W.A. | Registered: May 2001
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Sigmund
Shipmate
# 3002
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Posted
Wow, I thought that it was John Cleese who claimed to be the first person to say "fuck" in church (Ok, Ok, maybe it was at a funeral) but reading this thread it seems that this assertion was obviously incorrect. I remember a particular sermon during my evangelical phase when the pastor exhorted us to remain listening to the boring, retarded drivel he was spouting and let our Sunday lunches burn. I am fat for a reason - I love my food and my thought was "sure, mate, I'm going home to have my lunch and I'm keeping the oven on for you".
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We have no money so we shall have to think.
Rutherford
Posts: 212 | From: somewhere in England | Registered: Jul 2002
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Phase42
Apprentice
# 3823
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Posted
Tomb said:
quote:
Your comments about the Foursquare church
Oops - maybe I wasn't clear. The Foursquare is my long-term "home" church, which I love.
The church I just left, which was my "#2" church, is an independent non-denominational church. The pastor just happens to have been ordained by the Foursquare denomination, and pastored a Foursquare church for many years before forming this new church.
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Rik "Phase42" Osborne
Posts: 10 | From: Wenatchee, WA, USA | Registered: Dec 2002
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Phase42
Apprentice
# 3823
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Posted
The Rogue winced and said:
quote:
To fellowship?????
F&*%"(&"£()^&
I know, it's right up there with "gifting". I don't like it either, but I'm an American and so it's somewhat expected of me. ![[Two face]](graemlins/scot_twoface.gif)
Other fun Christian things to when I'm fellowshipping:
Enter in! (...as opposed to "entering out"?)
Gather together! (Is there any other way?)
Shout, with a loud voice! (I'm more of a "shout quietly" type, truth be told.)
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Rik "Phase42" Osborne
Posts: 10 | From: Wenatchee, WA, USA | Registered: Dec 2002
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Robert Armin
All licens'd fool
# 182
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Posted
Anyone else come across "Farewell" being used as a verb as in, "We farewelled Tom and Janet who were moving to a new town"? I've only discovered it recently, and it makes me ![[Projectile]](graemlins/puke2.gif)
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Keeping fit was an obsession with Fr Moity .... He did chin ups in the vestry, calisthenics in the pulpit, and had developed a series of Tai-Chi exercises to correspond with ritual movements of the Mass. The Antipope Robert Rankin
Posts: 8927 | From: In the pack | Registered: May 2001
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Nunc Dimittis
Seamstress of Sound
# 848
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Posted
There was rather a large F@#$#%$%%^ moment in church this morning.
The preacher was a retired area bishop, an evangelical through and through.
His sermon was on Acts, about how after Peter's speech 3000 converted and the church was meeting every day etc etc...
Three things, he said:
1) They met together with JOY to worship God
2) They fellowshipped together. Oh yes, and fellowshipping is only qualified as such if it involves the "careful study of the Word of God". Everything was about the Word of God (the written word of God, the bible) in this section.
3) New people converted every day. We have to witness. We have to bring people to church. We have to preach at every opportunity.
He asked us if our parish was like that (with the clear implication that it was not).
Many of us found it extremely offensive: as an Evangelical he was making the assertion that our ways of doing the above were somehow "wrong"... And he obviously hadn't done his homework, but just assumed alot about how the parish works. Typical Evangelical way of thinking (anyone catholic obviously only pays lip service to God, it isn't a heart religion for them etc etc etc) ![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
This ignores the fact that:
1) We have a daily prayer time every lunch time, as well as a daily eucharist, and a special more intimate healing service on Thursdays.
2) We love to come to be together, we love being in church, we love the music, the overall experience of word and sacrament that draws us closer to God.
3) We often have many visitors, and the church is actively engaged in the community.
Several choristers (including me) were very upset by this, and ended up walking out (after the sermon was over). I imagine there is going to be quite something said about it tomorrow night at Parish Council...
Posts: 9515 | From: Delta Quadrant | Registered: Jul 2001
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Mr. Spouse
Ship's Pedant
# 3353
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by pvawiggin:
Further identifying feature... is about 50lbs overweight but still thinks she looks good in very tight miniskirts.
I really wish you hadn't posted that...
[I really wish you'd previewed post, but we don't all get what we want.]
[ 16. February 2003, 23:55: Message edited by: sarkycow ]
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Try to have a thought of your own, thinking is so important. - Blackadder
Posts: 1814 | From: Here, there & everywhere | Registered: Sep 2002
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Mr. Spouse
Ship's Pedant
# 3353
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Posted
Today's morning service. Almost all of it.
First our worship leader, recently back from a (4-star) holiday in Gambia, put out an appeal for donations to buy equipment for "ladies in Africa" to make rugs and the like. Not specific people in a specific place: No, the whole continent it seems! Sexist and racist in the same sentence
Then our visiting preacher decided we would like a lo-o-o-ng bible reading, using the King James' Version. Not NIV, so we could follow in our pew bibles. Now, certain passages sound good in AV, but trying to concentrate for six or seven minutes on spoken text is not easy.
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Try to have a thought of your own, thinking is so important. - Blackadder
Posts: 1814 | From: Here, there & everywhere | Registered: Sep 2002
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Paul W.
Shipmate
# 1450
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Posted
Not too bad this morning, from chapter 1 of Romans. The preacher had to skip the homosexuality part that he would have talked about at length, as he was running out of time. And we only had about half a dozen mentions of the Evils of Evolution.
Oh, and apparently, the Guardian is the least Christian of all newspapers. Presumably the Daily Star is wholesome spiritual reading. Also Radio 4 is the least Christian of all radio stations, so I'm told.
Paul
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"It's just a ride" - Bill Hicks
Blog
Flickr
Posts: 2835 | From: Leeds, UK | Registered: Oct 2001
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pvawiggin
Apprentice
# 4059
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Posted
My pastor has 3 favorite sayings. And yes, I keep track to see what will be the phrase of the week. So far #3 has won 5 weeks in a row.
1. "I don't know about you"
2. "By the way"
3. "I'll be honest with you"
This week the counts were:
1. five
2. eight
3. nine
It's gotten to be VERY annoying.
Posts: 6 | From: Upstate New York | Registered: Feb 2003
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Campbell Ritchie
Shipmate
# 730
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Posted
Nunc, if you want to be told off for, "not witnessing," you need to meet a British CU travelling secretary; my Missus says they don't walk, only bounce. Half an hour from them and everybody feels guilty about not shoving the Bible down everybody's throat on the street. . . except the one person who can actually do that and not feel a total wally about it.
About 3 years ago we had a visit at St Barney's from a chap called John Young, who was the Diocesan Advisor on Evangelism, and pointed out that only about 6% of Christians [the figures may vary in Oz] were "evangelists," the rest being, "witnesses," and that it was a good thing that he was an Advisor in Evangelism and not an "evangelist," that he could understand the 94% of Christians to whom it doesn't come naturally.
So now I know I could legitimately go ![[Razz]](tongue.gif) to these CU Travelling secretaries. . .
Unfortunately, he also said that most Advisors in Evangelism are "evangelists," so if you want to be told off for, "not witnessing," you only need to meet a British Advisor in Evangelism. . .
CR
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The greatest problem about Christianity is that it condemns you to eternity with me.
Posts: 396 | From: Middlesbrough | Registered: Jul 2001
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Gabe
Shipmate
# 540
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Posted
This didn't happen in a church, but in a chapel service I attended (under academic duress) back in college. The guest speaker was a retired Marine general. He was apparently supposed to talk about what God had done in his life, but mainly he regaled the usually bored crowd with Vietnam war stories. However, he disgusted me several times, most notably:
A young Asian man at the front of the auditorium had fallen asleep. This fact, along with the guy's race, seemed to upset the general. He pointed the sleeping man out and said, pretending to joke, "Somebody wake him up. No, don't bother. He wouldn't know what I'm saying anyway, he's Chinese." There was a mixture of gasping and laughter. I fought the urge to leave (as I said, chapel attendence was mandatory). Later, closer to the end of his speech, the general shouted something and said "Look, that even woke Chinee up!" He said "Chinee." Yes.
Still, he got a standing ovation because of his tales about brave young men throwing themselves on grenades to save their comrades. All in all, he made Vietnam sound like a John Wayne movie.
I considered writing a letter to the school newspaper, but the school newspaper does not print dissenting opinions (you think that's an excuse, but it's the truth. You can't even say anything bad about the theater deptartment's new play).
Posts: 242 | From: NC, USA | Registered: Jun 2001
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chukovsky
Ship's toddler
# 116
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by madferret:
Then our visiting preacher decided we would like a lo-o-o-ng bible reading, using the King James' Version. Not NIV, so we could follow in our pew bibles. Now, certain passages sound good in AV, but trying to concentrate for six or seven minutes on spoken text is not easy.
Opposite feeling here - I feel like saying "S*(&d OFF" when people shove a bible in my hand when I'm listening to the reading. Sometimes two people do it during the same reading. I could have listened nicely to the reading if they hadn't hissed at me during it!
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This space left intentionally blank. Do not write on both sides of the paper at once.
Posts: 6842 | From: somewhere else | Registered: May 2001
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Genie
Shipmate
# 3282
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by madferret:
Then our visiting preacher decided we would like a lo-o-o-ng bible reading, using the King James' Version. Not NIV, so we could follow in our pew bibles. Now, certain passages sound good in AV, but trying to concentrate for six or seven minutes on spoken text is not easy.
I find it much much easier just listening to the Bible read aloud, regardless of which version it's taken from. Much of the Bible was written in such a way as to be designed to be read aloud to congregations who perhaps could not read it for themselves. The letters, Revelation, and the great majority of the historical OT books flow beautifully when read aloud. Rather than try to concentrate on every word, I let the narrative speak for itself. After the service, I can always look up the passages by myself for closer study and take my time.
We're covering Revelation in our fortnightly Bible Study group, and we've been promised that at the end of it, we'll have an evening service where the entire book is read aloud from start to finish, as it was originally intended. I'm looking forward to it greatly.
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Alleluia, Christ is risen!
Posts: 762 | From: Cambridge | Registered: Sep 2002
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Gill H
Shipmate
# 68
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Posted
(tangent)
Genie, we've just listened to the whole of Revelation on tape. It's a Scripture Union pack called 'Faith Comes By Hearing' - basically the NT on tape. We bought the music and sound effects version to try and keep our concentration. Revelation sounds like a particularly weird Dr Who episode, complete with doomy synth sounds. Great fun.
(end of tangent)
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*sigh* We can’t all be Alan Cresswell.
- Lyda Rose
Posts: 9313 | From: London | Registered: May 2001
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Mr. Spouse
Ship's Pedant
# 3353
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by chukovsky:
Opposite feeling here - I feel like saying "S*(&d OFF" when people shove a bible in my hand when I'm listening to the reading.
Not that opposite - I often prefer to listen to what is being read than following it in print, and hate it when someone with a bible thinks you are incapable of doing it.
My objection in that post was to the way the wishes of those that did want to follow the reading in pew bibles was largely ignored; and that no acknowlegement was given to the reading being from a different version.
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Try to have a thought of your own, thinking is so important. - Blackadder
Posts: 1814 | From: Here, there & everywhere | Registered: Sep 2002
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Genie
Shipmate
# 3282
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by madferret:
My objection in that post was to the way the wishes of those that did want to follow the reading in pew bibles was largely ignored; and that no acknowlegement was given to the reading being from a different version.
Ah. Nuff said. I guess I should now repent for not considering the potential wishes of others with different preferences. Mea culpa.
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Alleluia, Christ is risen!
Posts: 762 | From: Cambridge | Registered: Sep 2002
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Clíona
Shipmate
# 2035
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Posted
/tangent still/
Last year through studying about learning I found out that I personally learn a lot better from listening to lectures rather than through reading, which I found very interesting as I love to read.
I have since stopped reading from the Bible/leaflet during church, (unless the reader has a monotonous tone) and find I concentrate and retain much more than I used to.
Of course, for other people it's the exact opposite.
So, Madferret, I agree with the reason for your f*%^@ moment. It certainly shouldn't happen if everyone is supposed to learn from the readings! In fact, one could argue that doing something like that is neglecting half the flock and not sharing the message with them, thus going against the teachings of the Gospels!
/tangent over. Sorry, it's been a boring day./
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Starting (yet) again...
Posts: 1262 | From: Back in Dublin | Registered: Dec 2001
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ReginaShoe
Shipmate
# 4076
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Posted
I had almost forgotten (blocked out?) one of my most amazing f&*#$! moments.
A little background: my husband's grandfather has pastored a church in a small Iowa town for the past 60 years or so. In 1991, since I had never met my husband's grandparents before, we took some vacation days and flew halfway across the country to visit them.
So of course, we have to go to this guy's church service, along with the regular crowd of about 8 people. The title of the sermon is "Walkie-talkie Christians." I get a bad feeling as soon as I see this in the bulletin. Then, to open his sermon, he started talking about how Chinese people would say things like "No pay-ee, no shirt-ee." I kid you not. So then he worked up to his grand conclusion that Christians should not just talk the talk-ee, but walk the walk-ee, and therefore we should be "walkie-talkie Christians". He went on to make exactly the same point over and over again in (mercifully) slightly different words. Then finally, as his wife started in on the piano with the closing hymn, he had all of us stand up and march in place while he was doing the same and making his final exhortations to be - all together now - "walkie-talkie Christians".
Yeah, I think my subconscious was suppressing that memory to protect my sanity...
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"If you have any poo, fling it now." - Mason the chimp
Posts: 598 | From: Colorado | Registered: Feb 2003
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motojerry
Shipmate
# 4147
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Posted
I have used the f word, not in a church service but during a short term mission. A few of the locals were pestering me for a financial contribution and I told them loudly to f off. For practical purposes it worked very well as they left me alone - though I wish I could go back in time and respond in a more mature manner. The incident made some of the other Norte Americanos unhappy with me (actually made most of them like me more). But live and learn I guess.
I still have a quick temper. Must be my early career in construction work. Swearing is a great way to let out frustration.
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Always bear this in mind, that very little indeed is necessary for living a happy life. Marcus Aurelius
Posts: 203 | From: Minneapolis, MN USA | Registered: Feb 2003
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
Hey, can I add a Pastor's Wife moment?
Not during the service, but in relation to one. When I was in my eary twenties, during a youth service, I actually preached a sermon from the pulpit. It was on Mary and Martha, and its premise was (in a nutshell) we all have personality traits that will be strengths in one situation and weaknesses in another. It was a big moment for me, as i am pretty shy and Missouri Synod Lutherans don't usually dig girls in the pulpit, etc. Most of the feedback was great. The next week I found a little note from the P.W. in my church mailbox. The P.W. had written something that briefly prased my efforts, but what jumped out at me was the line "...and what I want to ask you is WHY AREN'T YOU WRITING!?" Caps and everything.She went on a little bit to chide me for hiding my light under a bushel, etc.I ahd worked very hard on my sermonette,and was quite crushed by this response.
I was young and very much wowed by authority, so I simply accepted the rebuke and did not repond to her note. If she had the misfortune to hand something like that to me now, I would have answered, "How in the Holy Hell do you think it encourages me to reprimand me for NOT doing something I just freaking DID?!"
More on her husband: I also took a stab at Lay-reading. Each time I got up to read, the Pastor would call out criticisms of my reading style to the snickers of the congregation. The more he did it, the more nervous and weak my voice became and the more he had to criticize. (let me add that I had been having counseling sessions with this man; he was well aware of my shyness and self-esteem issues.)One day I was reading the description of Pentecost from Acts and he kept calling (pretty loudly!) "Slooower...Looouuder.." while the congregation snickered. Finally after the third or fourth "Looouuuder.." I paused and said tersely into the mike, "OKAY." That got a big laugh and my mom claimed there was scattered applause, but I was too furious to hear it. I don't think that man to this day is even capable of understanding the damage he caused.
I can't believe I put up with that crap for as long as I did.
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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ChrisT
One of the Good Guys™
# 62
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Posted
Church, this morning. Aongst the good stuff was this one line:
Once you are walking with Jesus, everything else falls into place.*
F^$#
* This was the gist, not the exact words. My memory isn't that good unfortunately.
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Firmly on dry land
Posts: 6489 | From: Here, there and everywhere | Registered: May 2001
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Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012
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Posted
Welcome to Hell motojerry. Enjoy wandering these godforsaken depths, along with the other wretched mortals who have ended up here. Please note that learning both the Ship's 10 Commandments, and the Hell guidelines may buy you a day pass to go and post on the other boards
Viki, hellhost
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“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”
Posts: 10787 | Registered: Jul 2001
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
This is a combination F&^%$ at church and F&^$# at ex moment:
Same minister as before. On my wedding day, my future sister-in-law threw in a couple last minute additions to the service including a poem reading and playing the violin with the other musicians conscripted to play with us. Admittedly the sentiments she expressed were those of a die-hard, new-agey hippie, but she had her heart in the right place.SHe is a very kind person and I welcomed her "blessing" on the service.
On the Sunday we got back from our honeymoon, we went to church--my ex was attending church at the time--and the sermon began with my pastor's most uncharitable remarks about my sister in law. Two of the phrases he used were "Spacey" and Hippy-dippy. From the pulpit. Waiting until John and I would be sure to be in the audience. The crux of the sermon was aren't we Lutheran Christians lucky to have a firmer foundation, etc.
On the way home John started tentatively questioning me about why his sister should be in the sermon . He said he was right about her being a hippy, but wondered why she should be part of a sermon. He showed a great deal of resistace to going to church the next Sunday, and to tell the truth, I wasn't all that hot to go either.
Eventually (via my mom, who was buddies with his wife) Pastor got wind that we were hurt by his comments. According to PW, he had seemed bewildered by why it would bother us, and PW'S response was "If you don't know what's wrong with that statement, you got a problem"
So Pastor scheduled a conference with us, He sat down in the frontroom and refused the coffe and cookies I offered him, and said he'd heard of our complaint. John let me do all the talking. I said something to the effect that i was fond of Sis-in-law and didn't appreciate his judging her so quickly, especially when it might be likely that family matters might bring her round the church again. He said he used parishioers in sermons all the time and no-one else complained (probably a bald-faced fabrication.) I said, well, that's the point; she's not a parisioner, and you don't know her.
He then turned to John and asked if he had been offended. And my new husband, who I'd been defending, and who had spent much time grumbling about the Pastor's comments,looked innocent and said, "No, I wasn't offended, I knew just what you meant."
Stunned silence from a betrayed Kelly.
So I was told I was being overprotective of John, horning in on his issue, oversensitive where others were not, that while Pastor was "sorry" that I was offended, he didn't think he said anything wrong, would say it all over again if he could, and in all probability would if the opportunity came up (And he did. Many times.)
F&%$# them both. Neither one of them deserved the incredible amount of loyalty I had to offer.
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Robert Armin
All licens'd fool
# 182
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Posted
Last week I went to a "Taize Eucharist" in a local Anglican church. I was looking forward to this, as I enjoy Taize music, and wanted something quiet and reflective. The music was fine, but the liturgy was bizzare (nb. I don't think it came from Taize at all). For an opening prayer we had a four-fold invocation: quote:
We greet you, Spirit of the East,
You usher in the dawn of your breeze,
You stretch forth your fingers and paint our skies.
and so, on for South, North and West.
The prayers were all about friendship (great for anyone feeling lonely), with the response: quote:
Loving God, the source of friendship
deepen our love.
Worst of all, to my mind was the Eucharistic Prayer. It began with: quote:
God of the elements of the seasons,
we gave thanks for the seasons of ourselves
had responses such as quote:
Dwell in us, with us.
Share your love with us.
Stay always - stay always.
and no mention of either the Last Supper or the Cross, save for: quote:
We open our hearts to Christ's personal suffering and sacrifice
Just in case I've failed to convince you that I hated it, I had three reasons for my unease:
* This all felt vaguely New Agey, rather than Christian. There are times when I would be quite happy with that - but I was looking for a Christian service.
* The words were not poetic, but twee and banal.
* In my day Anglican clergy had to promise to use only authorised forms of service. I know things are relaxed in all sorts of ways now, but is there anywhere in the Anglican world that would authorise such a pile of old nonsense?
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Keeping fit was an obsession with Fr Moity .... He did chin ups in the vestry, calisthenics in the pulpit, and had developed a series of Tai-Chi exercises to correspond with ritual movements of the Mass. The Antipope Robert Rankin
Posts: 8927 | From: In the pack | Registered: May 2001
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Sine Nomine*
Ship's backstabbing bastard
# 3631
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Posted
This wasn't in the middle of the service but nonetheless...
I was at an internment yesterday. The childless widow was an only child, both parents dead, who this week buried her husband after a long, hard battle with cancer.
The priest was sort of a Spencer Tracy type, straightforward man of the people, etc.
So the internment is over. Everyone is milling around. My friend the widow goes up to speak to the priest who has now buried her father, mother, and husband.
He takes her hand, looks into her eyes and says..."Well, Mary, you're all alone now."
Geez, Louise! Are we sensitive, or what!
[tangent]This same guy had virtually yelled the prayers at us during the internment. We were a small group, huddled together under the tent for warmth, while he stood on the other side of the coffin, not six feet away. Afterward I asked my friend "Does father have a large church?" She said "No. He just likes to be heard. He did the same thing at my mother's funeral."[/tangent]
Posts: 10696 | Registered: Dec 2002
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Sine Nomine*
Ship's backstabbing bastard
# 3631
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Posted
Let's make that "interment", although I do have a friend or two to whom "internment" would apply.
Posts: 10696 | Registered: Dec 2002
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Calypso
Shipmate
# 3692
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Posted
I can't count the times I've just wanted to stand up and scream "#*$% you!". That's why I don't go to church anymore .
I remember one time, the youth pastor wanted to pray for my brother because he kept asking difficult questions . He also really hated me, I'm not sure why.
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Dys dógor þu geþyld hafa wéana gehwylces, swá ic þé wéne to.
Posts: 204 | From: New Zealand | Registered: Dec 2002
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
Wasn't a Calypso fan ,then?
![[Killing me]](graemlins/killingme.gif)
(I am so, so, terribly sorry...)
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Calypso
Shipmate
# 3692
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Posted
Har har .
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Dys dógor þu geþyld hafa wéana gehwylces, swá ic þé wéne to.
Posts: 204 | From: New Zealand | Registered: Dec 2002
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