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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Hell: Sermons we hope we never hear
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by St. Cuervo:
I guess this would be my vote for a sermon I never wish to hear. Especially at my own funeral!
Cheers,
St. C.
Don't worry, I wouldn't think you would hear it anyway. ![[Wink]](wink.gif)
Huia
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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Duo Seraphim*
Sea lawyer
# 3251
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Posted
"Today's sermon is taken from Jeremiah ch4 v3.
quote:
Even the sea monsters draw out the breast,they give suck to their young ones:
the daughter of my people is become cruel,
like the ostriches in the wilderness.
as we consider the parlous state of the church roof and the button I found in the collection plate last week."
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2^8, eight bits to a byte
Posts: 3967 | From: Sydney Australia | Registered: Aug 2002
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Schroedinger's cat
Ship's cool cat
# 64
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
'How wonderful my previous church was'
(the implication being.....)
A previous vicar of mine used regularly to complain about how much better his previous congregation were. He went from middle-class comuter belt to working class East London, and expected people to be the same? Was he really stupid? Or just never previously escaped from his Middle-class upbringing?
More that I never want to hear :
Why Song of Songs is such a beautiful image of the church.
Moses saw God's bottom, and other things you didn't know about the bible.*
Was Paul a mysoginist, or just a sad and frustrated dirty old man?
Why [preachers current ailment] is my thorn in the side or anything which involved detailed medical history.
* Acknowledgments to "Down with School" for this one.
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Blog
Music for your enjoyment
Lord may all my hard times be healing times
take out this broken heart and renew my mind.
Posts: 18859 | From: At the bottom of a deep dark well. | Registered: May 2001
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kentishmaid
Shipmate
# 4767
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Posted
Any sermon that begins
"I was watching [insert programme name here] on TV the other day, and I thought how appropriate this was for Christian life because"
A particularly awful example of this was one where a detailed comparison between Superman and Jesus was drawn. Enough to make you severely ill.
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"Who'll be the lady, who'll be the lord, when we are ruled by the love of one another?"
Posts: 2063 | From: Huddersfield | Registered: Jul 2003
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LatinMan
Shipmate
# 1892
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Posted
Chancellor of the Archdiocese steps up to the lectern:
"It is with great regret that I must report that your pastor, Fr. Jones, has been suspended indefinitely. The reasons why will probably be on the 10:00 news tonight..."
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* * * + * * *
_ _ _ [o]_ _ _
Posts: 603 | From: The Marches of the Archdiocese of Chicago | Registered: Nov 2001
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Ormo
Shipmate
# 4805
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Posted
one that is quickly ended by saying:
"How did those pictures get in the powerpoint presentation!?"
Posts: 445 | From: Belfast, Northern Ireland | Registered: Aug 2003
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ChastMastr
Shipmate
# 716
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Posted
That blasted "medical details of the Crucifixion" sermon which I've heard about three times now, and have read it too many other times.
Anything involving frogs in water which is being slowly heated, they adapt to the temperature, do not know they are being boiled alive, and comparisons with the human response to popular culture. ![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
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My essays on comics continuity: http://chastmastr.tumblr.com/tagged/continuity
Posts: 14068 | From: Clearwater, Florida | Registered: Jul 2001
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Alt Wally
Cardinal Ximinez
# 3245
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Posted
quote:
by Greta: This is for real, I swear. Last week according to the notice board, the sermon topic in the Unitarian-Universalist Church up the road was "The History of the Universalist Chruch in Southern California".
Was this followed up the next week by:
"In lieu of sermon minister will read from Yellow Pages."
Posts: 3684 | Registered: Aug 2002
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TheMightyTonewheel
Shipmate
# 4730
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Posted
"Shame: Not just for catholics anymore"
"Playing music backwards: how to find out what the Devil is really trying to get you to do"
"Compact discs: Satan's clever way of keeping us from playing our music backwards"
"The modern plauge of chafing"
"A detailed overview of the Greek lexicon"
"A detailed overview of the Greek, Hebrew, and Aramaic lexicons"
"The purpose and function of the small intestine: a metaphor for holy living?"
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"I detected one misprint, but to torture you I will not tell you where." -- Winston Churchill to T.E. Lawrence, re Seven Pillars of Wisdom
Posts: 57 | From: Vancouver | Registered: Jul 2003
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Wally:
Religious significance of the Incredible Mr. Limpet.
I don't know why, but I found this so incredibly funny I almost split myself.
And whoever up there was talking about the Superman/ Christ comparison, my ex-minister harped on this ALL THE TIME!
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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dyfrig
Blue Scarfed Menace
# 15
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Posted
The Break Up of Hear'Say: like the disciples deserting Jesus?
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"He was wrong in the long run, but then, who isn't?" - Tony Judt
Posts: 6917 | From: pob dydd Iau, am hanner dydd | Registered: Apr 2001
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Psyduck
Ship's vacant look
# 2270
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Posted
Sermons I wouldn't like to hear? Anything remotely approving on the text Proverbs 13:24 as featured on the new Gadget for God...
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The opposite of faith is not doubt. The opposite of faith is certainty.
"Lle rhyfedd i falchedd fod/Yw teiau ar y tywod." (Ieuan Brydydd Hir)
Posts: 5433 | From: pOsTmOdErN dYsToPiA | Registered: Feb 2002
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balaam
Making an ass of myself
# 4543
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Posted
Sermons I would not like to hear (again).
The one which after a reading of Luke 18:10-14, (the Pharisee and tax collector going to pray) started with the words quote:
Let us thank God that we're not like that Pharisee.
Sadly he wasn't being ironic. ![[Waterworks]](graemlins/bawling.gif)
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Last ever sig ...
blog
Posts: 9049 | From: Hen Ogledd | Registered: May 2003
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Lyra
Shipmate
# 267
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Posted
Anything long - I go to sleep!
What does it mean when a preacher places his watch on the pulpit before starting to preach?
Usually nothing!
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Around and about
Posts: 546 | Registered: May 2001
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Emma Louise
Storm in a teapot
# 3571
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Posted
i just dont do sermons anymore ![[Snigger]](graemlins/snigger.gif)
so none!!
Posts: 12719 | From: Enid Blyton territory. | Registered: Nov 2002
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KenWritez
Shipmate
# 3238
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Posted
"Porn: Celebrating God's Workmanship."
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"The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd." --Quentin Tarantino, Pulp Fiction
My blog: http://oxygenofgrace.blogspot.com
Posts: 11102 | From: Left coast of Wonderland, by the rabbit hole | Registered: Aug 2002
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that Wikkid Person
Shipmate
# 4446
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Posted
"How blessed we are, beloved brethren, that we have a place like this to come to and hear things like this."
"The Matrix as metaphor for conversion"
"The occult, hidden in modern entertainment"
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We have only one truth and one reality. Let's make the most of them.
Posts: 1007 | From: Almonte, Ontario, Canada | Registered: Apr 2003
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J. J. Ramsey
Shipmate
# 1174
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Posted
Any sermon produced by those organizations that arrange church "stewardship campaigns," a.k.a. fundraisers that everyone is too "religious" to call fundraisers. The sermons tend to have manipulative rhetoric and excreable hermeneutics. (Give more than you hink you can give and God will make up the shortfall!) ![[Mad]](angryfire.gif)
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I am a rationalist. Unfortunately, this doesn't actually make me rational.
Posts: 1490 | From: Tallmadge, OH | Registered: Aug 2001
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chive
Ship's nude
# 208
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Posted
Because the ministers unwell today we'll play a tape of last weeks sermon. Which everyone heard last week and which is being played on a pre war tape machine that sounds less like a sermon then aliens invading.
(It did happen)
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'Edward was the kind of man who thought there was no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who hadn't done one-to-one Bible study with him.' Catherine Fox, Love to the Lost
Posts: 3542 | From: the cupboard under the stairs | Registered: May 2001
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Chorister
Completely Frocked
# 473
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Posted
Even worse when the vicar preaches exactly the same sermon two weeks in a row and doesn't even appear to realise that he has done so.
(perhaps he was just testing to see if we noticed )
spooky though - especially as I had just seen 'Groundhog Day' ![[Ultra confused]](graemlins/confused2.gif)
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Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.
Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001
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MadKaren
Shipmate
# 1033
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Posted
umm...by the sounds of it anything that gremlin is preaching....Unless he doesn't talk about computers, or the technical details of his job.
MadKaren
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Why do people who claim to love God embarrass him in public?
Posts: 866 | From: Jumping along the line between genius and insanity.... | Registered: Aug 2001
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Anna B
Shipmate
# 1439
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Posted
"How our pets provide insight into the Christian life"
"While turning the compost the other day, I had a few thoughts about transformation..."
"Don't even try to be perfect because you'll never get there" [this one I have heard multiple times]
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Bad Christian (TM)
Posts: 3069 | From: near a lot of fish | Registered: Oct 2001
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Boopy
Shipmate
# 4738
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Posted
'Just look at the picture on the overhead projector for a moment and see what it looks like to you. Now,which face can you see - the young woman or the old woman? Isn't that just like God, always surprising us with the unexpected.......and sometimes just a change of focus makes all the difference in our lives....blah blah blah'.
One I never hope to hear again, as preachers always think this picture is new and exciting and has a 'message', but anyone who has ever done teacher training or psychology A level will already know it thoroughly as it has been around for ever in textbooks. A prospective candidate for the then-vacant ministry at our church used this in his visit-with-a-view sermon. I knew immediately I'd have to leave if he came to stay (thankfully he didn't!). There's no excuse for rehashing ancient stuff and assuming that no-one in the congregation will ever have seen or heard of it before.
Boopy
Posts: 1170 | From: UK | Registered: Jul 2003
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kentishmaid
Shipmate
# 4767
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Posted
Too right. My Dad preached exactly the same sermon every All Saints' Day for 7 years, and didn't think anyone would notice!! Isn't it just lovely when people insult your intelligence like that?
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"Who'll be the lady, who'll be the lord, when we are ruled by the love of one another?"
Posts: 2063 | From: Huddersfield | Registered: Jul 2003
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Jengie jon
Semper Reformanda
# 273
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Posted
Those vicars need to be given a hard time. Send them to your local non-conformist church, we stock a nice brand of old ladies who remember every sermon for the last seven years.
My Dad has only once preached the same sermon twice at the same church and yes there was at least seven years between the original and the repeat performance. Still one old lady came up and said "I enjoyed that, I always thought it was one of your better sermons".
Jengie
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"To violate a persons ability to distinguish fact from fantasy is the epistemological equivalent of rape." Noretta Koertge
Back to my blog
Posts: 20894 | From: city of steel, butterflies and rainbows | Registered: May 2001
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ken
Ship's Roundhead
# 2460
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Anna B:
"Don't even try to be perfect because you'll never get there" [this one I have heard multiple times]
So have I. When Christians start listening to it maybe the preachers can stop preaching it!
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Ken
L’amor che move il sole e l’altre stelle.
Posts: 39579 | From: London | Registered: Mar 2002
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Alan Cresswell
Mad Scientist 先生
# 31
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Posted
A story I heard (almost certainly an urban myth). A training minister was sent to a local church every other month to preach and lead worship. Everytime he preached exactly the same sermon. So the principle called the student into his office and asked him why he kept preaching the same sermon. The student replied that when the congregation started to actually listen to what he was saying he'd say something new.
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Don't cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it.
Posts: 32413 | From: East Kilbride (Scotland) or 福島 | Registered: May 2001
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Schroedinger's cat
Ship's cool cat
# 64
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Anna B:
"While turning the compost the other day, I had a few thoughts about transformation..."
I've never actually heard a sermon on this, but compost heaps do make me thing of the process of transformation.
I would never want to hear "When I was called out of my workplace to serve God ...".
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Blog
Music for your enjoyment
Lord may all my hard times be healing times
take out this broken heart and renew my mind.
Posts: 18859 | From: At the bottom of a deep dark well. | Registered: May 2001
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Alan Cresswell
Mad Scientist 先生
# 31
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Posted
Opening words of a service. "We welcome Mr Smith who's come to lead our worship while our minister is ill. Let us praise the Lord ..."
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Don't cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it.
Posts: 32413 | From: East Kilbride (Scotland) or 福島 | Registered: May 2001
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balaam
Making an ass of myself
# 4543
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Alan Cresswell:
A story I heard (almost certainly an urban myth). A training minister was sent to a local church every other month to preach and lead worship. Everytime he preached exactly the same sermon. So the principle called the student into his office and asked him why he kept preaching the same sermon. The student replied that when the congregation started to actually listen to what he was saying he'd say something new.
Dr. Cresswell,
That is based on the true story of Pastor Juan Carlos Ortiz (ot is that Ortis?) in Sao Paulo, Brazil, who preached the same sermon every Sunday. When asked why he didn't preach a new one, he said that it was because they hadn't started acting on that one.
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Last ever sig ...
blog
Posts: 9049 | From: Hen Ogledd | Registered: May 2003
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ken
Ship's Roundhead
# 2460
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Gremlin:
quote:
Originally posted by Kenwritez:
+ "A detailed explanation of the TCP/IP network transmission protocol"
And the problem with this one is what? ![[Devil]](graemlins/devil.gif)
All seven layers, please!
Gremlin, ![[Snore]](graemlins/snore.gif)
You obviously shoudl have stayed awake during the sermon.
TCPIP has 3 layers, not 7. Of course it can be described in terms of the 7-layer model (so can just about anything, including paying your gas bill by post) but it was designed around 3 layers.
And the 7 layers, from memory, are: application layer, doo-dah layer, hand-waving layer, transport layer, network layer, interthingy layer, and physical layer ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
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Ken
L’amor che move il sole e l’altre stelle.
Posts: 39579 | From: London | Registered: Mar 2002
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kentishmaid
Shipmate
# 4767
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Posted
how do you fit all those hens in there?
At least it proves that the chicken preceeded the egg, I suppose....
Back to the topic - anything that has the faintest whiff of cringeworthiness or patronisation to it, as in one I heard about 5 Christmases ago where a story was told about the Innkeeper, and the congregation were to try and spot how many carols were mentioned in it......
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"Who'll be the lady, who'll be the lord, when we are ruled by the love of one another?"
Posts: 2063 | From: Huddersfield | Registered: Jul 2003
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Anna B
Shipmate
# 1439
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by ken:
quote:
Originally posted by Anna B:
"Don't even try to be perfect because you'll never get there" [this one I have heard multiple times]
So have I. When Christians start listening to it maybe the preachers can stop preaching it!
That reminds me of the joke about Myers-Briggs INFJ's (of which I am one): Their motto is, "What part of 'Be ye perfect' don't you understand?"
Seriously, I seem to be so situated (a Broad Church parish in Connecticut) that I hear too few sermons about holiness. Maybe you've got a surfeit of them over there?
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Bad Christian (TM)
Posts: 3069 | From: near a lot of fish | Registered: Oct 2001
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rexory
Shipmate
# 4708
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Posted
Thank God I've got the next three weeks off preaching! You guys have covered all my themes! ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Our first words on getting to heaven will be "Ohhh!", with an air of "Now I understand!" - CS Lewis, via Philip Yancey, "What Good is God", 2010
Posts: 2974 | From: Perth, Western Australia | Registered: Jul 2003
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ken
Ship's Roundhead
# 2460
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Anna B:
Seriously, I seem to be so situated (a Broad Church parish in Connecticut) that I hear too few sermons about holiness. Maybe you've got a surfeit of them over there?
No, I just have met too many people, inside and outside the churches, who think that some sort of perfection is possible and hate people - sometimes including themsleves - for not making it.
I'm sure there was an old Latin name for the sin of rejecting the possible in favour of an unachievable perfection. Making the best the enemy of the good. But it is a very common sin, whatever its called.
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Ken
L’amor che move il sole e l’altre stelle.
Posts: 39579 | From: London | Registered: Mar 2002
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Egeria
Shipmate
# 4517
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Posted
Kentish Maid wrote
quote:
A particularly awful example of this was one where a detailed comparison between Superman and Jesus was drawn. Enough to make you severely ill.
It seems to me--correct me if I'm wrong--that there is actually a book treating the theme of Jesus as CEO. Frightening, isn't it? Could lead to sermons on the topic of Christianity as a kind of management-cult (I won't write the name in case of legal repercussions).
![[Projectile]](graemlins/puke2.gif)
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"Sound bodies lined / with a sound mind / do here pursue with might / grace, honor, praise, delight."--Rabelais
Posts: 314 | From: Berkeley, CA | Registered: May 2003
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dj_ordinaire
Host
# 4643
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Posted
don't know about Twinkle Twinkle little star, but I've sermons on "You are old, Father William" and the religious significance of dentures. They were both much better than you'd think, actually
Posts: 10335 | From: Hanging in the balance of the reality of man | Registered: Jun 2003
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Beenster
Shipmate
# 242
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Posted
There was one sermon delivered by a young, enthusiastic and passionate preacher about the birth of his son. Unfortunately, it had been a particularly nasty delivery (by birthing standards) - I can't and have no desire to remember the facts, and the whole of the sermon was a blow by blow account of this event. It started with the waters breaking and ended with the babe having been washed and clean. He also had an interesting way with words, and must have gone through every thesaurus to find the most graphic possible adjective / verb / noun / adverb for each given moment.
Posts: 1885 | Registered: May 2001
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Moo
Ship's tough old bird
# 107
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Posted
We were on vacation in Pennsylvania, and we went to church on Sunday morning. It was an old church about ten feet from the sidewalk. On either side of the walk to the front door, there were tombstones; every available bit of ground had a tombstone.
The sermon was one of the very few hellfire sermons I have ever heard in an Episcopal church. The preacher went on about, "You're enjoying your life now; you have all these nice possessions and enjoyable experiences; you think you have it made. But someday you're going to die." He sounded very happy when he said the "You're going to die" bit.
After we left the church, our sixteen-year-old daughter remarked that she should have known what the sermon would be like when she saw all those tombstones.
Moo
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Kerygmania host
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See you later, alligator.
Posts: 20365 | From: Alleghany Mountains of Virginia | Registered: May 2001
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elsi
Live from Elsewhere
# 2098
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Posted
"In the third in our series leading up to our annual Commination Service , we will continue by looking at two more of the opening statements.
"This week we shall consider "Cursed is he that removeth his neighbour's landmark" and "Cursed are the unmerciful, fornicators, and adulterers, covetous persons, idolaters, slanderers, drunkards, and extortioners."
"As in previous weeks I shall be using examples from the lives of members of the congregation to illustrate these points..."
![[Help]](graemlins/help.gif)
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the cap fits - I'm wearing it
Posts: 272 | From: Manchester | Registered: Jan 2002
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Big Chaz
Shipmate
# 4862
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Posted
The Good news is we have the money for the new church building. The bad news is its in ur pockets....
Stolen from friend who preached it...
prity cool though
Thanks for coming to the weding. Donations are volentry. U C the curate. Hes a black belt. Former night club bouncer. He'll be holding the baskett on the way out ur choice...
said by our vicar
funny though
Posts: 91 | Registered: Aug 2003
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dyfrig
Blue Scarfed Menace
# 15
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Posted
"Charles, King and Martyr"
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"He was wrong in the long run, but then, who isn't?" - Tony Judt
Posts: 6917 | From: pob dydd Iau, am hanner dydd | Registered: Apr 2001
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Callan
Shipmate
# 525
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Posted
"Cromwell, Our Chief of Men".
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How easy it would be to live in England, if only one did not love her. - G.K. Chesterton
Posts: 9757 | From: Citizen of the World | Registered: Jun 2001
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dyfrig
Blue Scarfed Menace
# 15
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Posted
"Cromwell: Our Example in Humility"
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"He was wrong in the long run, but then, who isn't?" - Tony Judt
Posts: 6917 | From: pob dydd Iau, am hanner dydd | Registered: Apr 2001
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ken
Ship's Roundhead
# 2460
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Posted
Charles, King, Martyr, Loving Husband, and Father of His People.
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Ken
L’amor che move il sole e l’altre stelle.
Posts: 39579 | From: London | Registered: Mar 2002
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Ormo
Shipmate
# 4805
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Posted
N 2dy D ovrhds wil B N txt, D titl s "Gd N yung ppl"...
Posts: 445 | From: Belfast, Northern Ireland | Registered: Aug 2003
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Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012
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Posted
Big Chaz, welcome to Hell.
- The Ship's 10 Commandments are to the left of your screen - etching them on to your forearm will help in your posting career here.
- The guidelines to Hell are linked to in the intro to Hell - read, learn and obey these.
- There is/should be a spell checker on your computer - use it to make your posts readable. Poor spelling and bad use of punctuation and capitals are two of the greatest sins in a text-based environment.
Enjoy your stay,
Sarkycow, hellhost
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“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”
Posts: 10787 | Registered: Jul 2001
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Psyduck
Ship's vacant look
# 2270
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Posted
"Don't worry! Be happy!"
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The opposite of faith is not doubt. The opposite of faith is certainty.
"Lle rhyfedd i falchedd fod/Yw teiau ar y tywod." (Ieuan Brydydd Hir)
Posts: 5433 | From: pOsTmOdErN dYsToPiA | Registered: Feb 2002
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KenWritez
Shipmate
# 3238
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Posted
"What I'm really wearing under all these robes."
"An exhaustive examination of the minor kings of Judea and their lineage."
"A catalog of bodily examinations and excavations by congregants I have witnessed from the pulpit during my sermons."
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"The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd." --Quentin Tarantino, Pulp Fiction
My blog: http://oxygenofgrace.blogspot.com
Posts: 11102 | From: Left coast of Wonderland, by the rabbit hole | Registered: Aug 2002
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