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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Heaven: Oh, That Sarkycow!
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Jen.
Godless Liberal
# 3131
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Icklicus Angelicus:
if Stoo has suffered severe mental distress
How would you tell?
And I reckon we could get legal aid, we're both poor y'know!
J
[ 25. June 2003, 21:50: Message edited by: Jenny Ann ]
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Was Jenny Ann, but fancied being more minimal.
Posts: 5318 | From: Manchester, England | Registered: Aug 2002
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
David: Oooh, I love it when you talk dirty--< the two lock lips and grope in a PG-rated fashion >
Laugh Track: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
< Sarkycow barges in, holding an icepack to her head; David and Erin hastily separate >
Sarkycow: Sorry I'm late--I went on one last night of Hellish behavior before seeing Icarus again--
< Erin saunters out, leaving David boiling with rage >
David: Before seeing Icarus, Sarkycow? Perhaps you should watch this Instant Replay--
< Pushes button to replay...
Icarus: Sarky! It's you!
Sarky: No ****, Sherlock
Icarus: No, it's me, Icarus! No-**** Sherlock isn't here!
<Audience supporting each other as they laugh so much they fall off chairs>
Stoo: She means, well, that's no blithering surprise.
Sarky: No, I mean that's no blithering surprise, Asshat! >
< Canned delight at seeing such a reprise >
Sarkycow: I did that?? Oh no!!...
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
< Later... >
Nightlamp: ...so Sarkycow swore on the Styx Board to Icarus Coot that she would act more Heavenly from now on.
Rook: Ooh, juicy! But she'll never be able to keep it up--
Nightlamp: I don't know; she's very open to the powers of suggestion. Remember what happened in Purgatory?--
Rook: Oh, that's right... < Scene fade/Flashback Sound Effect >
Nightlamp: OH, CUT IT OUT! IT WASN'T THAT LONG AGO! < Scene fade/Flashback Sound Effect stops >
Rook: Sorry. < Canned laughter >
< Sarkycow haltingly enters wearing a demure choir robe and balancing a book on her head. Canned laughter >
Nightlamp/Rook: Sarkycow??
Sarkycow: Please--it's Holycow now.
< Canned Laughter... >
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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ChrisT
One of the Good Guys™
# 62
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Posted
Holycow, Batman! It's the Hellhost, in disguise!
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Firmly on dry land
Posts: 6489 | From: Here, there and everywhere | Registered: May 2001
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Arrietty
Ship's borrower
# 45
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Posted
RooK: Holy Cow?
Nightlamp: Is this a joke?
RooK: No, it's a moostake!
<canned laughter>
Sarkycow: You won't get to me like that, lads! Sticks and stones may break my bones -
Nightlamp: OK!
<Picks stick up and prepared to chuck it at Sarkycow>
<Enter Icarus Coot>
Icarus Coot: Noooooo! Don't hurt Holycow!
<Stands in front of Sarky with arms outstretched>
Nightlamp: OK, I'll hurt you then!
<Chucks stick. It flies over Icarus and Sarky and hits RooK>
RooK: Come here, you assing asshat!
Nightlamp: Oh, ****!
<Nightlamp runs off, chased by RooK waving stick>
Sarkycow: Hello Icky! How do I look?
Icarus Coot: You look - heavenly!
<Audience sighs sentimentally>
Sarkycow: I'm feeling sort of guilty though, Icky.
Icarus Coot: That's good! Guilt is good! You mean you're feeling guilty because of all the nasty things you did with your pitchfork before you saw the light?
Sarkycow: No, I'm feeling guilty about leaving those two pathetic wimps to run Hell on their own! Look at it! Threads for newbies - coherent arguments - people being polite - threads being allowed to run without being gratuitously closed or moved by Nightlamp - it's going to Limbo in a handbasket!
Icarus: That's not your problem any more Holycow
Sarkycow: (sadly)No, Icarus, I have a high calling that can't be denied. A calling to rubbish people's pathetic attempts at satire. A calling to wield the power of a Host arbitrarily, whimsically and without redress. A calling to post sarcastic comments about people's spelling and grammar, just because I can. A calling to bust Nightlamps' ass.
Icarus Coot: Holy Cow? What's come over you?
Sarkycow: (remembering to be heavently for Icarus) You see - without Hell, Heaven can't be Heaven. I see that now. The best thing I can do for you is to be the worst Hellhost I can.
Icarus Coot: (suppressing a sob)Oh, my dearest little cow! That's so noble!
Sarkycow: Plus, it's really good fun sticking my pitchfork where the sun don't shine. Wait for me, boys!!!
<Runs off in pursuit of Nightlamp and RooK>
Icarus Coot: (dejected)Oh, Sarky.......
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i-church
Online Mission and Ministry
Posts: 6634 | From: Coventry, UK | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
[I'll try...]
< Later--Nightlamp, Rook re-enter Hell Office >
Rook: Well, I'm glad things are back to normal--
< Sarkycow tries to enter, but can't >
Sarkycow: Oops--silly me--< peels poster off fork and tosses him; Canned laughter as she enters > Now that things are straightend between Icarus and me--oh, look, the dear left a bouquet and note-- < reads > "Although you can never permanently join me in Heaven, you must do me the honor of accompanying me to this month's Board Prune Cotillion." Oh, no! I have to get ready! < re-dons choir robe and puts book back on her head; canned hysterics >
Nightlamp/Rook: Oh, no...
< Shot of Sarkycow awkwardly practising holding a teacup with one pinky raised; canned laughter >
[ 26. June 2003, 16:03: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
< That night--IC, in a tuxedo, is escorting Sarkycow, in her "Holycow" regalia, to the Cotillion's entrance >
IC: So, were you "the worst Hellhost you can be" today?
Sarkycow: Oh, yeah--I was terrible. < Canned laughter >
IC: It shows so little on you! You don't even need to have that book balanced on your head.
Sarkycow: Oops--forgot about that. < tosses book >
Out-of-shot Guest: OUCH! < Canned laughter >
< Nearby stand Stoo, Belisarius, and ChrisT in their tuxedos sipping champagne >
Belisarius: Egad! Poor Coot seems be quite irrational about that Hellhost!
Stoo: Not to worry--outside of Hell, she is quite harmless. She swore to him on the Styx Board that she would act more Heavenly.
ChrisT: Indeed? May I, then, as Games Host, suggest we take advantage of this situation? As a slight recompense for past inconvenience, of course.
Belisarius: How utterly petty--I like it! < Canned laughter >. Do tell us your plan...
< Canned "UH-OH!" noises... >
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Tubbs
Miss Congeniality
# 440
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Posted
Oh good, I mis-read it ... I thought they'd split up ![[Yipee]](graemlins/spin.gif)
Tubbs
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"It's better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than open it up and remove all doubt" - Dennis Thatcher. My blog. Decide for yourself which I am
Posts: 12701 | From: Someplace strange | Registered: Jun 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
Maybe they did, but since when has logical consistency reigned supreme on TV? ![[Wink]](wink.gif)
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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ChrisT
One of the Good Guys™
# 62
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Posted
I have a plan? Can't wait to see what this is ![[Devil]](graemlins/devil.gif)
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Firmly on dry land
Posts: 6489 | From: Here, there and everywhere | Registered: May 2001
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The Obscure
Shipmate
# 4149
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Posted
this is brilliant ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
any more popcorn available?
Posts: 121 | From: Cambridge | Registered: Feb 2003
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
IC: Why hello, Motherboard--let me escort you to the bar while I get Holycow and me something < in a lowered voice to Motherboard >: I'm so proud of her--she's trying so hard...
< Sarkycow wanders to the other Heavenly Hosts >
Sarkycow: Hahooow dooo yooo dooo? In Hartford, Hereford, and Hampshire, hurricanes hardly happen. < Canned laughter >
ChrisT: Really now? Tell me, Sarkycow--
Sarkycow: Oh, please, it's Holycow outside of Hell. < attempts to drink tea as she practiced, but the cup breaks. Canned Laughter. > Oops--< tosses cup away >
Out-of-Shot Guest: OUCH! < More canned laughter >
ChrisT: Well, then, Holycow--are you ready to prune the first thread?
Sarkycow: But, I thought you Heaven Hosts did that--
ChristT: Oh, dear, no--the honor always goes to first time attendees--now just put on the traditional pruning mask < presents a Freddy-Kruegeresque monstrosity >--
Sarkycow: Gee, it doesn't look very Heavenly--
ChrisT: Purely satirical, I assure you--and take the traditional pruning machete--
Sarkycow: I thought you guys did things differently, but OK--
ChrisT: And you can start with, say, that Totally Useless Random Thread in the Conservatory--no one likes that one!
< Canned "UH-OH!" Noises >
Sarkycow < glancing into Conservatory >: Oh, I see--you're getting rid of it because it's Totally Useless and Random!
ChrisT < ironically > By George, she's got it. < Canned laughter >
Sarkycow: Thank you so much for making me welcome. < walks off with ChrisT's gifts >
Stoo: Good show, old bean.
Belisarius: Five, four, three, two--
[ 27. June 2003, 05:48: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
< Screams fill the Conservatory--Jenny Ann runs out >
Jenny Ann < doing her best Margaret Dumont impersonation >: Oh, Professor Stooberry--do something about that horrid Hellhost--it's simply too hideous! < Faints into his arms, with Stoo almost dropping her >
< Sarkycow re-enters wearing the mask and wiping the machete--horrified gasps fill the ballroom >
Sarkycow: Well, it put up a struggle, but I got the job done! How else can I help you?
ChrisT: Oh dear--I didn't think you would interpret my directions that way--well, you can take the girl out of Hell...
< He, Belisarius, Stoo grandly turn their backs; Canned boos and hisses. IC re-enters >
IC: I hope you like--Sarkycow, what have you done??
Sarkycow < throwing off the mask and the machete down >: I'm so sorry, Icarus! I was just trying to fit in, and I messed everything up! Good bye...< starts shuffling out, Laugh Track groans in sympathy >
IC: Trying to fit...< sees his fellow-hosts grandly-turned backs and guesses the truth >: SARKYCOW, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! < the guests all gasp, the Laugh Track cheers >
Stoo: Nothing wrong?? Whatever do you--
IC: I'm ashamed that I might be considered even remotely connected to this unheavenly strategem!
Belisarius < warningly >: Icarus, this is not the place for wild--
IC: IN ACCORDANCE WITH WHAT IS ALLOWED BY SHIP-OF-FOOLS LAW, I, ICARUS COOT, DO HEREBY ABSOLVE YOU, SARKYCOW, FROM YOUR OATH SWORN TO ME ON THE STYX BOARD!
< Canned cheers, applause, foot-stamping, etc. >
Sarkycow: Thanks, Icarus < lightly kisses him on the nose >
Laugh Track: AAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW
Sarkycow: I'll still try to be nice to you, of course, but excuse me a second--HIIIIIIIIIIIII-YAH!!!!!! < knocks down the other three Heavenly Hosts with one Matrix-like kick. Canned Cheers to the point of rabidity >
IC < Walking over to their prone bodies >: Sorry, chaps, but you did have that coming. < to Sarkycow > Shall we go to McDonald's now?
Sarkycow: Sure! < they leave to Canned cheers and laughter >
NEXT EPISODE: SARKYCOW'S RIVAL
[ 09. July 2010, 01:08: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
She's a working girl with a job in Hell,
Though sometimes things don't turn out so well.
She'll get by some way, somehow,
Though trouble always follows Sarkycow!
Rook: So which is better for torturing posters--Michael Bolton or Eurovision Contest Songs?
Nightlamp: How can you be so twisted? This is only Hell! < Canned laughter >
< Sarkycow enters; applause >
Nightlamp: Hey Sarkycow--any mayhem this morning?
Sarkycow: Oh, no--I'm in too good a mood--only smacked someone wearing pre-ripped jeans < Canned laughter >
Rook: I have to admit, we never thought things would last this long between you and that Heaven Host.
Sarkycow: Oh, he's the best boyfriend I've ever had--but, I don't where it's going to go--I have to stay here, and he has to stay in Heaven.
Nightlamp: Too bad you two can't live in a William Blake poem.
< Laugh Track doesn't get reference >
Sarkycow: I may be wrong, but I'm starting to think we both should keep our options open.
< Segue to that night >
IC: ...so I think it may be best we both keep our options open.
Sarkycow: HOW COULD YOU??? < slaps him; canned hysterics >
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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John Donne
Renaissance Man
# 220
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Posted
[ ![[Paranoid]](graemlins/paranoid.gif) Bel has been watching where I take my real-life dates...]
Posts: 13667 | From: Perth, W.A. | Registered: May 2001
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ChrisT
One of the Good Guys™
# 62
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Posted
It's true, I am an evil, murderous, conniving beast underneath this fluffy exterior. I am a Host, after all
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Firmly on dry land
Posts: 6489 | From: Here, there and everywhere | Registered: May 2001
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Arrietty
Ship's borrower
# 45
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Posted
IC: Well, how could you?
Sarky: What do you mean by that?
IC: I hear you've been cosying up to David asking him special favours and offering him quid pro quos
Sarky: You're right! How could I? I don't even know what it means!
<laughter>
IC: Oh really? Then what is the meaning of THIS?
<Summons up Sarky's latest post in Styx on his screen>
Sarky in Voiceover: So when will we get a new posting message? We've had the one about the space being for rent for an awfully long time. And I tried renting it from David, but he said (and I quote) "No amount of money, chocolate or gin will be sufficient to make me put that up."
IC: So what else did you offer him then?
Sarky: It's not how it looks! We all have to bribe David! Nightlamp is always polishing his shoes!! RooK is always giving him sweets and offering to stroke his cat for him!
IC: Well, I might just have to 'bribe' some attractive host in that case...
<OOOOOOOOOH from audience>
Sarky: Right then, see if I care!
<Segue to Hell office. Sarky on her own>
Sarky: Now I've got my options open I don't know what to do with them!
<Enter a tall debonair stranger in full evening dress and top hat>
<Audience go wild as they recognise Chastmastr>
CM: Hi, Honey!
Sarkycow: Who are you?
CM: There once was a poster called David
Who liked it if people weren't shavid
<audience laughter>
Sarky: Menacing him with pitchfork) You're not one of those fluffy bunny lovers who hang out with that creep Icarus Coot in Heaven are you? Cos if you are you can go take a flying -
CM: Hey, hon, I'll give you ten dollars if you ever see me hanging out. It's not my style.
<Audience laughter>
Sarky: So Icarus Coot didn't send you?
CM: Icarus Who?
Sarky: No, Icarus Coot!
<hilarity from audience>
CM: There once was a Coot called Icarus
Who's Zodiac sign was not Tarus......No, never hear of him. Naw, the admins sent me. They heard you've got your options at the moment and they seem to think I'm a bit of an expert in that direction. If I do OK they're going to give me an avatar with wings.
Sarky: I don't need any help thank you.
CM: Ah, well that's where you're wrong! You shall go to the ball, Cinders! I just looooove balls!
Sarky: What?
CM: It's makeover time! And we might get you a new dress while we're at it, babe! Ha ha! only joking!
Sarky: I don't want a -
CM: Now now, admin's orders!
<Audience laughter as Sarky is dragged unwillingly off to be made over>
<In the pink fluffy Heaven boudoir. Icarus Coot is confining in ChrisT>
IC: ......so I ended up threatening to go off with another host!
ChrisT: Serve her right.
IC: Trouble is, we haven't got any female hosts in Heaven.
ChrisT: Too right mate, saves a lot of trouble if you don't have too much to do with the laydeez.
IC: Well how am I going to make Sarky jealous then?
ChrisT: We'll have to get someone to dress up as a woman and pretend to fancy you to make her jealous.
<Enter Stoo>
Stoo: What are you two looking at?
ChrisT: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
IC: Yes, I rather think I am, old bean!
ChrisT}
IC}(together) come on, Stoo, it's makeover time!
<Audience laughter>
[ 27. June 2003, 11:59: Message edited by: Arrietty ]
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i-church
Online Mission and Ministry
Posts: 6634 | From: Coventry, UK | Registered: May 2001
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Jen.
Godless Liberal
# 3131
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Posted
wow! i'm famous!
(I would just like to inform the ship and script writers that Stoo is now crying in a corner... what is everyones obbsession with him being a girl? ![[Help]](graemlins/help.gif) )
J
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Was Jenny Ann, but fancied being more minimal.
Posts: 5318 | From: Manchester, England | Registered: Aug 2002
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Joyeux
Ship's Lady of Laughter
# 3851
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Posted
*from home audience*
Look! It's ChastMastr!
Get back in here quick, everyone... and bring some more popcorn!
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Float?...Do science too
Posts: 4318 | From: over th... no, there! | Registered: Dec 2002
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Arrietty
Ship's borrower
# 45
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Jenny Ann:
Stoo is now crying in a corner... what is everyones obbsession with him being a girl?
![[Killing me]](graemlins/killingme.gif)
PS Stoo has not yet appeared as a girl. He could write the next section himself to avoid being cross-dressed.
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i-church
Online Mission and Ministry
Posts: 6634 | From: Coventry, UK | Registered: May 2001
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ChrisT
One of the Good Guys™
# 62
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Arrietty:
<Enter Stoo>
Stoo: What are you two looking at?
ChrisT: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
IC: Yes, I rather think I am, old bean!
![[Not worthy!]](graemlins/notworthy.gif) ouch, my sides hurt...
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Firmly on dry land
Posts: 6489 | From: Here, there and everywhere | Registered: May 2001
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Jen.
Godless Liberal
# 3131
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Arrietty:
quote:
Originally posted by Jenny Ann:
Stoo is now crying in a corner... what is everyones obbsession with him being a girl?
PS Stoo has not yet appeared as a girl. He could write the next section himself to avoid being cross-dressed.
He could.... But he won't. It's an attention seeking tactic. Everyone just ignore him....
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
J
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Was Jenny Ann, but fancied being more minimal.
Posts: 5318 | From: Manchester, England | Registered: Aug 2002
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Stoo
Mighty Pirate
# 254
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Posted
Stoo: Make-over time???
ChrisT: <slowly approaching Stoo> Yes, but don't worry, old bean, it won't hurt a bit.
Icarus Coot: Yes, don't fret, old man, we just need to dress you up as a woman for a tad. No harm in that, is there?
Stoo: huh?
ChrisT: Now, now, calm down. No need to get worked up!
<Chris drops a flowery dress over Stoo's head>
Stoo: What?
Icarus Coot: It'll all be fine, honestly!
<Icarus Coot starts to put a blonde wig on Stoo>
Stoo: What will?
ChrisT: <producing a razor and shaving foam> Now all we need to do is remove the facial hair, and we'll be done!
Stoo: My beard??? NOOOOO0000oooo....!!!
<Stoo flees the scene, his dress flapping around his ankles>
Icarus Coot: Oh, darn it. Guess we need a Plan B then.
ChrisT: Oh, rats.
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This space left blank
Posts: 5266 | From: the director of "Bikini Traffic School" | Registered: May 2001
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Jen.
Godless Liberal
# 3131
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Posted
Stoo! put some other clothes on...
They'll arrest you again!
J
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Was Jenny Ann, but fancied being more minimal.
Posts: 5318 | From: Manchester, England | Registered: Aug 2002
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RooK
1 of 6
# 1852
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Posted
<Stoo flees past the Hosts Vending Machines>
Dude, your slip is showing.
Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
< At the boudoir, Nunc Dimittis enters wearing High-Church-Service garb >
Nunc: Pardon my intrusion, but I wanted to see if the game thread I transferred arrived safely--
ChrisT: Hello, Nunc. Thanks for checking--
Coot < captivated >: Why, Nunc--I've never seen you so...ecclesiastical...
Laugh Track: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Nunc < adjusting her alb enticingly >: Why, thank you, Icarus.
Coot: Perhaps, at some time in the future, we can meet on the MW Board to discuss the finer points of vestments--
Nunc: I would be delighted--but I must go now. Do stop by soon--Goodbye, Chris... < turns with a slight twirling of her robes and leaves >
Laugh Track: OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
ChrisT: I don't know, old sport--are you sure this won't upset Sarkycow too much?
Coot: Who? < Canned laughter >
[ 03. July 2003, 13:28: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
< That night, near the MW Board... >
CM: Oh, c'mon, hon, come out of the alley--your makeover looks fantastic!
Sarkycow < Out-of-shot >: You'd better be right... < she enters dressed and made up like Sailor Moon; canned hysterics >
CM: Believe me, I'm an expert! And I know about makeovers, too! < Canned laughter >
Sarkycow: So when Icarus see this and comes crawling back, I guess I'll--
< Sees IC and Nunc in animated discussion. Canned "UH OH!" noises >
Sarkycow: How could he??--and with that smells-and-bells hussy?? Well, he ain't winning this game--c'mon, David--
CM: But--
Sarkycow: NOW! < puts him in a headlock and drags him towards IC and Nunc >
CM < wailing >: THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN! < Canned laughter >
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
Sarkycow < letting CM loose >: Now play along, or else--why HELLO, Icarus. Fancy seeing you here.
IC < slightly embarrassed >: Er, hello, Sarkycow. I do believe you know Nunc--
Nunc < serenely >: Hello, Sarkycow--what, ahem, an interesting outfit.
Sarkycow < though clenched teeth >: Thanks. < Canned laughter; she resumes her feigned nonchalance > And this is David--we were SO engrossed that we almost missed you. < Canned laughter >
Nunc: Good evening, David. Why don't the four of us go to the nearest thread for drinks?
IC: Well--
Sarkycow: --Why not? It sounds like fun--I have no reason to be uncomfortable--or jealous--or homicidal. < canned laughter > Yes, we'll have so much FUN, David! < wraps her arm tightly around his >
CM < whispering >: Sarkycow, you're cutting off my circulation--
Sarkycow < whispering through a set smile >: Shut up, David... < canned laughter >
[ 03. July 2003, 18:26: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
< Scene: A table at the "How Much Wine Is Too Much?" Thread >
Coot: So...Nunc and I were discussing the Hosting of our different Boards.
Nunc: Yes--some of it we can't repeat in front of David--so sorry--but I was mentioning how tame my Board usually is, except for the Shuffleboard Tournament incident--at which you happened to be, Sarkycow; I believe that's how I know you. < smiles sweetly; canned "UH-OH" sounds >
CM: I didn't know you liked Shuffle--
Sarkycow < violently elbowing CM under the table >: Oh, yes--there were some silly misunderstandings, but Motherboard assured me that everything was OK at the end.
Nunc < slightly sighing >: Yes, I must admit, the bloodstains did come out of the carpeting eventually. < Canned laughter >. But we must let David join in--I understand that you did Sarkycow's...makeover?
CM < obliviously proud >: Oh, yes! Isn't it just fantastic? You hosts have Super Powers, in a sense, so I worked on that theme. It's both cute and edgy--Sarkycow is sure to get back--< catches himself; canned laughter >...uh...what you're wearing is nice too.
Nunc < complacently >: Thank you--though I am an All Saints Host, I must admit hoping I'm not unworthy of the standards for attire set on the Mystery Worship Board.
Sarkycow < under breath >: Yeah, right, you thurible-swinging... < canned laughter >
[ 04. July 2003, 00:48: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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snowgoose
Silly goose
# 4394
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Posted
<eats some popcorn>
I think she's adorable in that little sailor moon outfit. And I especially like the cute little "Hello Kitty" toasting fork and matching vinyl handbag. It adds a certain je ne said quoi, don't you think?
*sigh* This is my favorite show.
<more popcorn>
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Lord, what can the harvest hope for, if not for the care of the Reaper Man? --Terry Pratchett
Save a Siamese!
Posts: 3868 | From: Tidewater Virginia | Registered: Apr 2003
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
< Segue to about 30 minutes later >
Nunc: ...well, we have to get back to Hosting soon. I'll have to get my stoles in order--I envy how little wardrobe maintenance you need, Sarkycow dear. < laughs lightly; canned "UH-OH!" noises >
Sarkycow < under breath >: Oh, I'll give you a maintenance... < canned laughter >
Coot: I'll walk you to your board--Good night, Sarkycow; Good night, David. < To Nunc > So what colors are you planning to coordinate?
Nunc: You just have to look at the Paschal cycle...
Sarkycow: What am I going to do? If I disembowel her, Icarus will just feel sorry for her--he may even send chocolates! < Canned laughter > I have to trick her somehow--dammit, David, I can't concentrate in this silly outfit--
< Admiral Holder runs in >
Adm. Holder < in a loud whisper to David >: So it's true! I can't believe you actually gave Sarkycow a makeover and you're still alive! I only PM'd the idea as a joke!
CM: You sent the PM?? < Canned laughter > But I thought the Admins did! Why didn't you sign your full name??
Sarkycow < overhearing >: IT WASN'T THE ADMINS?? < Canned laughter, Admiral Holder runs away as Sarkycow grabs CM > I'm going to--wait, THAT'S IT! < dangerously sweet > David, honey, it's time for your makeover... < drags him off; canned "UH-OH" noises >
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
< Segue to the following evening near the MW Board; Coot and Nunc are again in animated discussion >
Sarkycow < back in Hellhost gear >: There they are.
CM < out-of-shot >: I feel ridiculous.
Sarkycow: You'll feel dead-- < Canned laughter > GO!
< CM staggers into view in an encrusted robe and surplice and loaded with items including--but not limited to--an amice, girdle, chasuble, dalmatic, tunicle, cope, rochet, chimere, and a huge gleaming mitre. Canned hysterics >
Coot: And so--Nunc, what is it? < she is staring at CM infatuated; canned laughter >
Nunc: Uh...I'll call you-- < jumps up and starts running after CM, who staggers away in a panic. Canned hysterics and applause. Sarkycow ambles to Coot's table >
Sarkycow < lightly >: Why, hello, Icarus--how about a game of shuffleboard? < Canned laughter and applause >
NEXT EPISODE: SARKYCOW'S BIRTHDAY
[ 07. July 2003, 15:44: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
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Arrietty
Ship's borrower
# 45
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Posted
She's a working girl with a job in Hell,
Though sometimes things don't turn out so well.
She'll get by some way, somehow,
Though trouble always follows Sarkycow!
SCENE: THE HELL OFFICE.
<RooK is toasting newbies on an open fire. Nightlamp is reading the latest copy of Victorian Asshats magazine. David is scratching himself with a broken shard of pot.>
RooK: So I suppose we ought to do something......
David: Out of the question, Rook. Or should I say, Rookie.
<Audience make camp 'oooooooh' sound>
Nightlamp: I say, that's a bit uncalled for even in Hell, old man!
David: What am I to make of a Hellhost proposing to obtain a cake purely to please another Hell host whose birthday it happens to be? Either he's going soft or he has missed out on some essential training. Either way it's not what I'd expect of a seasoned Hell host.
RooK: Well at least I haven't been having close encounters of an antagonistic kind with the admins!
<Audience make suggestive OOOOOOOH sound>
David: (threateningly) What do you mean?
RooK: Oh, don't you remember, David? Perhaps you'd like some photographs to refresh your memory? I've got plenty!
David: (Changing tack) Look, Erin and I go back a long way. We were flaming asshats before you got your first dial up connection.
RooK: (Muttering)'Flaming asshats' is just about right!
<Audience laughter>
David: WHAT did you say?
<Audience makes 'Uh-oh' sound>
RooK: I said, the cake would be flaming! You get someone a pretty cake for their birthday, they think you're being really kind to them, but then you set fire to it and put it out by blowing saliva all over it! What could be more hellish than that? Just think how disappointed she'll be!
David: This is strangely pleasant to think about! Tell me more, Rookie!
Nightlamp: She's coming!
<Enter Sarky Cow in a filthy mood.>
Sarky: What's the point of being a hell host when they can correct their own typos! They're even putting in their own sarcastic comments! Sometimes I feel like throwing in my toasting fork and moving to Heaven to be with Icarus.
<Sympathetic audience laughter>
David: (aside, to Rook) Perhaps on second thoughts your idea does have some minor merits. It would take me valuable time and effort to train up another incompetent to work alongside you and Nightie. A flaming birthday cake might be just the thing to remind Sarky Cow of why she signed up for Hell in the first place. See to it!
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i-church
Online Mission and Ministry
Posts: 6634 | From: Coventry, UK | Registered: May 2001
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Veritas
Fledgling Fool
# 4420
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Posted
Enthusiastic audience applause, cheers and 'woo hoo' type noises.
Belisarius and Arriety, you are very talented Shipmates.
[ 08. July 2003, 14:17: Message edited by: Veritas ]
Posts: 634 | From: Hong Kong | Registered: Apr 2003
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
< David goes into his office--Rook pulls Nightlamp aside >
Rook < whispering >: He fell for it! Now's our chance for the big blow-out we've been wanting to throw! We'll have kegs and fireworks and drag-racing and strippers and--
Nightlamp: --are you sure Sarkycow would be interested in all that?
Rook < sarcastically >: Oh, that's right--we're having this party only because we just wuv dear widdle Sarkycow < Canned laughter >. You can bwing the wowwypops for the fwuffy bunnies--< Canned laughter >
Nightlamp: OK, OK, shut up--
Sarkycow: What's going on?
Rook: Oh, nothing... < they walk off >
Sarkycow < grumbling >: Yeah, right...they're planning something without me...see if I care...< whining > and no one remembered my birthday! < Canned laughter mixed with sympathetic groans > Well, whatever those clowns are are up to, they'd better be on their toes, 'cause I'm not planning on suffering alone... < Canned "UH-OH" noises >
[ 09. July 2003, 21:55: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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AdamPater
Sacristan of the LavaLamp
# 4431
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Posted
<fidgets in bean-bag, shakes pop-corn bucket>
(bother... will I miss anything if I go to the snack bar? ... bet something interesting will happen as soon as I duck out... pssssttttt: someone take notes for me...)
<darts for the door, trips in the dark with a resounding clatter, and disappears through the velvet curtains with muffled but insistent apologies>
<tousled head ducks back in> That Sarky is such a BABE!
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Put not your trust in princes.
Posts: 4894 | From: On the left of the big pink bit. | Registered: Apr 2003
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
Nightlamp: Shouldn't we tell her? She may make other plans--
Rook: Uh-uh! She'd just spoil everything--
Nightlamp: You're right--the nerve of her! < Canned laughter >.
Rook: Whatever that Icarus Coot may spring on her, she'll never miss a Hell shindig...
< Segue back to Sarkycow >
Sarkycow: ..But I won't let them know it's my birthday--I have my pride--I just wish they were more concerned about other people's feelings--
< IC comes in with a bouquet >
IC: Happy--
Sarkycow: SHUT UP! GET OUT BEFORE THEY SEE YOU!
< Canned hysterics--IC bolts, dropping the bouquet; Sarkycow stuffs it in a wastepaper basket as Rook/Nightlamp return--more canned laughter >
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Janine
The Endless Simmer
# 3337
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Posted
< Janine looks dubiously at her small TV screen, once so adequate for her minimal viewing... and wishes it were bigger!
No splashy big-FX extravaganza has made her long for a big screen before, the way this has!
She wonders if there's time for a run to Wal-Mart Electronics during the commerical...>
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I'm a Fundagelical Evangimentalist. What are you?
Take Me Home * My Heart * An hour with Rich Mullins *
Posts: 13788 | From: Below the Bible Belt | Registered: Sep 2002
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soggy_amphibian
Shipmate
# 2487
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Posted
Brings in some toffee popcorn and fizzy drink and grabs a seat, ready for the next part...
[bumping from Page 2 indeed, whatever next...]
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Buffy: I don't like you hanging out with someone that... short.
Riley: Yeah, a lot of young people nowadays are experimenting with shortness.
Posts: 712 | From: Back at home | Registered: Mar 2002
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
Lyda Rose thumps the side of her TV.
Damn static! I just know I'll miss something.
What's the use of having cable if my tube is crap?! ![[Mad]](angryfire.gif) grrrrr! And Sarky's skin is green. Green?! Who ever heard of a green Hell-host? This isn't frickin' Star Trek!
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
[ Sorry for the hiatus... ]
Sarkycow: So what were you talking about?--and don't tell me "nothing!"
Nightlamp: You don't know?
Rook < under breath >: What are you doing??
Nightlamp: We're planning the Troll Memorial Service. < Canned Laughter >
Sarkycow: What??
Rook < immediately catching on >: Of course--it is Admins' orders.
Nightlamp: The other Boards are waiting.
Sarkycow: Why didn't I hear about it?
Rook: You didn't get the memo?
Nightlamp: I guess you weren't around--
Rook: --Like the time you were late because you had to find out if street mimes had vocal chords < canned laughter >.
Sarkycow: Well, I'll ask David then--
Rook: Oh, he'd be quite...annoyed that you didn't find out.
Nightlamp: Don't worry about it--we have everything under control... < they stroll off >
Sarkycow: Something's fishy here--I know! They want to get all the credit for the Troll Memorial Service < Canned laughter >. Well, we'll see about that...
[ 16. July 2003, 04:08: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Janine
The Endless Simmer
# 3337
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Posted
(Hmmm - what do I want to see - Sarkycow humiliated or balance my checkbook? Sarkycow laughed at, or my budget settled?.... )
Sorry guys, I'd rather juggle numbers. And I hate math.
See ya later.
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I'm a Fundagelical Evangimentalist. What are you?
Take Me Home * My Heart * An hour with Rich Mullins *
Posts: 13788 | From: Below the Bible Belt | Registered: Sep 2002
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Arrietty
Ship's borrower
# 45
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Posted
IN THE HEAVENLY BOUDOIR
Icarus Coot: .....So you see, they're doing nothing at all for poor Sarky's birthday! The poor darling's beside herself!
Stoo: How uncaring!
ChristT: Yes, we must certainly do something to cheer the poor cow up! <innocently, catching Icarus' Coot's expression> Well, that's what she is, isn't she? A cow? Have I got that wrong?
Icarus Coot: By name she may be a cow, but she's the dearest, sweetest cow in the world to me, and I can't wait for the day that she consents to be Sarky Coot!
<'Awwwww' sounds from audience>
Stoo: Why don't we ask Belisarius if we can throw her a party ourselves?
ChrisT: Yes, I'm sure we could use some of the posts off the recipe book thread for food.
Stoo: He might let us have some of those Board Prunes he's always going on about!
Icarus Coot: And we could have games!
ChrisT: Yes, I'm sure the regular games posters wouldn't mind having all their threads closed so we could use them for Sarky's party! I can see it all now.....Ten People I Wouldn't Touch With A Bargepole - Visually Impaired Person's Typo -
Strip Poker -
Stoo: )
Icarus Coot: ) WHAT??????
ChrisT: Erm - that's a race where - errr - people push strips of paper along with pokers. Very suitable for Hell Hosts. We will be asking Hell Hosts won't we?
Icarus Coot: Of course! This is going to be such fun.......
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i-church
Online Mission and Ministry
Posts: 6634 | From: Coventry, UK | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
< Scene: Purgatory. Sarkycow enters >
Sarkycow: ...I'm sure Alan has no hard feelings about how I left--
< Alan C. and Louise enter >
Alan: EEEEEEK! < jumps into Louise's arms; canned hysterics >
Sarkycow: Uh, hello to you too. < Canned laughter > So...can I borrow your thermonuclear device?
Louise: Whatever would you need--
Alan < jumping out of Louise's arms >: I'll get it, I'll get it! Just please don't hurt me! < runs away; canned laughter >
Sarkycow: Well, we're doing something really big in Hell, but, hey, it's okay with Alan, so I'll just--
< Louise blocks Sarkycow's way and flicks her wrist, making a switchblade appear from her sleeve >
Louise: I do believe it best we discuss this more.
< Canned "UH-OH!" sounds... >
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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