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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Heaven: Oh, That Sarkycow!
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
< Segue to Heaven >
Holycow < to IC >: I'll be back soon, dear--I just have to post a thread in Hell.
IC < surprised >: Whatever for? Don't tell me that Heaven bores you already!
Holycow: Oh, of course not! I'm just becoming well-rounded.
IC < with admiration >: Just as I thought you had no more delightful surprises! But perhaps I should accompany you this first time--
Holycow: Don't be silly, darling--whatever could happen to me?
< Canned knowing chuckles >
IC < hesitating >: Well, there's...Sarkycow--
Holycow: Don't be silly! We're like sisters--well, at least genetically < canned titters >--and if she really cares for you she'll be happy for you!
< Canned "UH-OH" sounds and incredulous snorts >
IC < doubtful >: ...very well, my little pilgrim--I could never deny you anything. Just don't dally. What will you be posting about?
Holycow < leaving >: I'm sure I'll think of something...
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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ChrisT
One of the Good Guys™
# 62
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Posted
*gets the rubber gloves and the bleach ready...*
[Edited because I Care™]
[ 04. September 2003, 15:27: Message edited by: ChrisT ]
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Firmly on dry land
Posts: 6489 | From: Here, there and everywhere | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
< Segue to Hell >
Sarkycow < on phone >: ...yes, yes, that will be fine. Thank you so much--bye. < hangs up with satisfaction; Rook and Nightlamp enter >
Nightlamp: Well, David sent the PM--Holycow should be coming down soon.
Sarkycow < à la Mr. Burns > Excellent. < Canned laughter > And I've found just the right exploitive slavery to send that goody-two-shoes, no questions asked.
Nightlamp: You don't mean--
RooK: You wouldn't--
Sarkycow: Yes! The Dubious Ministries Office Staff!
< Nightlamp/Rook shudder; canned laughter >
Sarkycow < nastily chuckling >: Let me be the first to greet dear Holycow < leaves... >
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
< seconds later, Holycow walks in >
Holycow: Oh, hello. You must be RooK and Nightlamp.
< harp glissando sound effect; RooK/Nightlamp are instantly infatuated. Canned laughter >
Nightlamp: Uh...oh, hello. Sarkycow was just looking for you.
Holycow: How nice--she must have missed me because I started from the oldest threads and worked my way up--I shouldn't post here without getting the proper background.
RooK < goofy with love >: Uh...sure. < canned laughter >
Holycow: I stopped to ask about some of the words used down here--do you think it would be a good idea to post a question--
< Sarkycow barges in >
Sarkycow: There you are, you ******** ******* ***** *****!! < Canned giggles >
Holycow: Those are the words! < Canned laughter > Sarkycow seems upset about something, so I'd better post now < Goes to terminal and starts typing >
Viewscreen: "I'm new around here, and it may not be appropriate to ask this on the Styx Board..."
< Sighing, Nightlamp and RooK watch Holycow with admiration; more canned laughter >
Sarkycow < to them >: What are you doing?? WHAT IS GOING ON??...
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
< Segue to several threads away. Pyx_e is dozing, but suddenly jerks his head up and starts sniffing eagerly in the direction of Holycow's thread; canned hysterics >
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
< The Hell Office sometime later--Nightlamp and RooK are adoringly hanging around Holycow, while Sarkycow watches disgustedly >
Nightlamp: Amazing, Holycow! Your first thread, and it's a big hit! You've inspired such fiendish, scatological creativity!
RooK: That shouldn't be a surprise, as it comes from such a fascinating being--
< Sarkycow starts banging her head against the wall, but with a loud "OUCH!" stops after the first bang; rubs her head to canned laughter >
Holycow: What's wrong, Sarkycow?
Nightlamp: Oh, she's always been clumsy... < Canned laughter >
< Icarus Coot rushes in >
IC: Congratulations, dear Holycow! Are you ready to come back Heavenwards to receive further accolades?
Holycow: Oh, hello Icarus! < traipses over to give him a peck on the cheek > Sorry I lost track of time--these Hellhosts have been so kind!
< IC does a double-take, canned laughter >
IC: ...well, I'm sure they can have the pleasure of your company some other time--we should go now.
Holycow: Very well, if you think that best--
< Nightlamp and RooK throw themselves on the floor >
Nightlamp: No! Please don't go!
RooK: WE LOVE YOU!
< Sarkycow tries banging her head against the wall again, stop again with a loud "OUCH!"; canned laughter >
Holycow: Oh, that is so sweet! But I really must--
Nighlamp/RooK < wailing >: NOOOOOOOOOOO! < they grovel pathetically to canned hysterics >
Holycow: Oh, Icarus, they're so unhappy! What should we do?
IC < snappishly>: There's nothing we can do--we must go--
Holycow: There's nothing?? < bursts into tears > It's all my fault! I can't stay here--I must dedicate myself to a life of service--
Sarkycow < quickly handing Holycow her Dubious Ministry notes >: Here's a place. < canned laughter >
Holycow: Oh, thank you, dear Sarkycow! < hugs her > Goodbye, everyone--please don't think too ill of me! I will always remember you, Icarus! < runs out to canned applause and WOOOOs >
Sarkycow: ...so, Icarus, are you free tonight? < Canned hysterics >
IC < coldly >: Goodbye, Sarkycow < leaves to both Canned titters and "AAAAAAAAWWWWW"s >
Sarkycow: ...oh, he'll come around soon enough--
Nightlamp < reproachfully >: I don't know if we will. < sniffling, he and RooK leave to canned laughter >
Sarkycow < defensively >: Well, David won't be mad at me...
[ 12. September 2003, 20:20: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
< Segue to shot of David's Office Door. It swings open and Sarkycow bursts in. She stops in horror >
Sarkycow: OH NO!
tomb < now seen seated at David's desk with Snobbycow complacently standing at his side > Well. Well. Well. < Canned hysterics >
[ 12. September 2003, 19:50: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Icklicus Angelicus
Shipmate
# 3588
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Posted
more! please more! i wanna know what happens next!
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LEGOLAS: The sky wears a film of gauze. The night air breathes infamy. Deceit weaves itself around my fingernails.
(mollyringwraith)
Posts: 763 | From: Oxford / Devon | Registered: Nov 2002
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
[We now return...]
Sarkycow: What happened to David??
tomb: Ah, yes. A position finally reopened for him on the Admin Board. The proverbial door never even touched his ***.
Snobbycow < as to a child >: That would be '****' to you, Sarkycow. < canned titters >
Sarkycow < annoyed >: I know that! < canned laughter > Tomb, if this clone and I are going to be working together, she's going to have to--
tomb: --But--will you be working together? You see, it appears that Hell is now a little overstaffed.
Laugh Track: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Sarkycow < flabbergasted >: You don't mean--
tomb < rhetorically twiddling his thumbs and looking right at Snobbycow > Let's see--whom should I choose? < canned laughter... >
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
Sarkycow: Oh, never mind! I can see I'm not wanted.
tomb < allowing himself a derisive snort >: You got that right.
Snobbycow < horrified >: "You...got...that right??"
Laugh Track: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
tomb < panicking >: But, Sarkycow getting it two seconds ago constitutes a legitimate use of the past tense!
Snobbycow: Pure sophistry!
tomb < pleading >: Oh, c'mon--consider it then a colloquialism used for humorous effect!
Snobbycow: Do you actually believe that the master of Hell should stoop to such trivialities?? You are not the man that I thought you were, Mr. tomb. I shall take the offer from Roget's Official Web Site after all. Good luck in your future endeavors--you will obviously need it. < sallies out to canned applause and WOOOOs; >
Sarkycow < smugly >: See you tomorrow, tomby. < skips out to tomb's enraged glare; canned applause >
Next: A mini-episode written by Icarus Coot
[Snobbycow's grammar made even more refined]
[ 22. September 2003, 17:37: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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John Donne
Renaissance Man
# 220
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Posted
SarkyCow and the Surprise
[Special feature]
She's a working girl with a job in Hell,
Though sometimes things don't turn out so well.
She'll get by some way, somehow,
Though trouble always follows Sarkycow!
<Nightlamp and Rook are crowding around Lifeman>
Rook: Right Lifeman, think of your best joke.
Lifeman: < flattered, peeing himself with delight > You want to hear one of my jokes?!
Rook: Well. Yes and no.
(Canned Laughter)
< Nightlamp produces a yard glass of beer with a rubber pipe dangling out of it >
Nightlamp: Make a tight seal over the pipe with your lips and speak into the tube.
Lifeman: "An Englishman, an American, and an Ir--" blurgle burble "go in--" blurgle blup
Rook: < Bracing himself on the furniture and struggling to keep awake > Right - we'll be back when you've finished. Don't let any of the joke's hypnotic essence leak out.
< Nightlamp and Rook stagger from the room supporting each other >
(Fade out to applause and laughter)
<Tea break time in Hell>
Nightlamp: Ok, Rook. Is the Lifeman-laced nightcap ready?
Rook: <Carefully placing the yard glass hypnotic brew on the tea table> Ready.
Nightlamp: Oh! Morning, Sarkycow!
Rook: Morning Sarkycow!
Sarkycow: <Suspiciously> Morning guys...
Nightlamp: Would you like to play a game, Sarkycow?
Rook: Yes! We have to take turns reciting some of Erin's favourite insults, and the first one who fails has to drink this!
Sarkycow: <puzzled> That's a PENALTY?!
[Canned laughter]
Nightlamp: Right! I'll go first: 'Asshat'!
Rook: You're so predictable Nightlamp: 'Seeker of Pleasure with Rusted Farm Implements'
Sarkycow: Oh. Um. Let-me-think. Drat. Can't think of any. Oh well, looks like I'll have to drink this. <She sculls it in one go>
[Canned laughter, applause]
Sarkycow: Right, I better get back to w-- <keels over unconscious>
[Segue to a changed Hellhost tea room. Rook has put the Ship's clock forward 9 months, a temporary bed has been brought in and Sarkycow is sleeping sweetly in it. Nightlamp and Rook stand by the bed waiting for any signs of consciousness]
Sarkycow: Ohhhh. My heeeead.
Nightlamp and Rook: <peering over the bed with concern, together attempting to sound natural > Thank-Hell-you're-alright-SarkyCow!
Rook: We tried everything. You've been... away for so long.
Sarkycow: <Looking at clock> Wasn't it-
Nightlamp: Yes it would've seemed like yesterday to you. You were unconscious for so long-
Rook: And then there-
< They look at each other >
Sarkycow: WHAT?!
Nightlamp: I'm not sure how to tell you this, Sarkycow. There was a locked thread. You, Pyx_e and Coot were stuck in it. And then the Ship went down.
Sarkycow: WHAT?!?!
Rook: When it came back on line 3 days later, you emerged singing Amazonian Battle Songs.
Nightlamp: Then you cryptically uttered: 'By God, the female praying mantis has the right idea!' and fell into a deep sleep.
Sarkycow: <Speechless with horror>
Rook: What we got back of Pyx_e didn't live very-- < Nightlamp elbows him>
< Canned Laughter>
Rook: I mean, neither Pyx_e nor Coot have spoken to this day.
<Nightlamp leaves the room and re-enters leading Pyx_e, dressed in a cow costume, with patent leather shoes, bow tie and wielding an asparagus fork, by the hand>
<Riotous canned laughter, clapping>
Nightlamp: Congratulations, SarkyCow! This is... Happy Calf!
SarkyCow: Nooooooooo! <Pitchfork clatters to the ground. Faints>
<Clapping, laughter, fade out as credits roll>
[NEXT EPISODE: THE CELEBRITY GUEST]
[ 03. October 2003, 21:22: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
Posts: 13667 | From: Perth, W.A. | Registered: May 2001
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RooK
1 of 6
# 1852
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Posted
COPY
PASTE
Oh, yeah, baby.
Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
She's a working girl with a job in Hell,
Though sometimes things don't turn out so well.
She'll get by some way, somehow,
Though trouble always follows Sarkycow!
< Scene: The Hell Office. Rook and Nightlamp are polishing their pitchforks. >
Nightlamp: ...that's the problem with tomb. You could always tell when David was angry, but this guy's always so quiet. Too quiet.
RooK: Yeah--he's Silent But Deadly.
< The two snigger; Laugh Track groans. Sarkycow enters; applause. >
RooK: What's up, Sarkycow?
Sarkycow: Don't ask! < Canned Laughter > When I was trying to leave the Station, this guy was blocking the stairs with these "Lose Weight--Ask Me How" flyers, so I wound up slicing him open, pulling out his subcutaneous fat, and stuffing it down his mouth! Honestly, the things you go through commuting!
< Slightly weirded out, the Laugh Track chuckles nervously >
Sarkycow: So, what's going on today?...
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
Nightlamp: Actually, something pretty big. We've been given orders to delete all of Hell's crappy threads--
Sarkycow: Isn't that redundant?
< Canned laughter >
Sarkycow: Tee-hee--I kill me!
Nightlamp < annoyed at the interruption >: --and double-check all the remaining spelling and grammar. Someone big is visiting--in secret!
Sarkycow: Who??
RooK: The Admins won't let us know! Shows how much they trust us.
Nightlamp: Maybe it's because we would tell everyone--
RooK: Well, duh, but still... < Canned laughter >
Sarkycow: Aren't there any clues?...
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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duchess
Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764
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Posted
Belisarius - why don't you sidestep the play & just take her out to a steak dinner instead?
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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party
Posts: 11197 | From: Do you know the way? | Registered: May 2002
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RooK
1 of 6
# 1852
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Posted
...because the waiting list is too long?
Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001
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duchess
Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764
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Posted
Those are petty excuses. ![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party
Posts: 11197 | From: Do you know the way? | Registered: May 2002
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
Nightlamp: Right now, none.
Sarkycow < Slams fist on desk; Nightlamp and RooK start > Your lack of initiative SICKENS me!!
RooK: What brought that on??
Sarkycow: Hey, I have to show my range if I'm going to win an Emmy. < canned laughter and applause > Can't we at least rule any Christian or Anti-Christian celebrities out?
Nightlamp: Well, whoever it is, they would need a high tolerance for Tat.
Sarkycow < amazed >: It's Marilyn Manson?? < canned laughter... >
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Arrietty
Ship's borrower
# 45
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Posted
Sarkycow: So it's celebrity whose presence requires serious thread pruning?
Nightlamp: Yes, we'd got that far.
Sarkycow: And who is not Ship of Fools habitue?
RooK <aside> : Keep trying dear, you'll work out how to do an acute accent eventually.....
<Nightlamp titters sychophantically>
Sarkycow: Hmmmmmmmmmm
Nightlamp: Brilliant! It's Mr Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!
Sarkycow: Nightlamp, do you have a problem with me?
Nightlamp: <Extremely uncomfortable> Er....Who? Me???????
Sarkycow: <Appealingly> Yes, you, Nightie
dear
RooK: DON'T CALL HIM NIGHT -
<Sarkcow moves towards RooK, fluttering her eyelashes energetically>
Sarkycow: <flirtatiously> Yes, Rookie? <flutters eyelashes>
RooK: Errrr...........
<enter Dick Van Dyke>
<Medley of theme tune from Dick Van Dyke Show (if it had one), 'It's A Jolly 'Oliday Wiv Meery' from Mary Poppins, and theme tune of Diagnosis Murder
<wild audience applause>
D Van D: <In best 'Cockernee' accent> 'Ere, Sarky Ceee-ow, woss all the com- motion, then?
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i-church
Online Mission and Ministry
Posts: 6634 | From: Coventry, UK | Registered: May 2001
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Icklicus Angelicus
Shipmate
# 3588
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Posted
what the...??!!
![[Eek!]](eek.gif) ![[Help]](graemlins/help.gif)
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LEGOLAS: The sky wears a film of gauze. The night air breathes infamy. Deceit weaves itself around my fingernails.
(mollyringwraith)
Posts: 763 | From: Oxford / Devon | Registered: Nov 2002
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
[ quote:
Originally posted by Arrietty:
Medley of theme tune from Dick Van Dyke Show (if it had one) ...
DAAA, DAAA, DA da da da DA da, da DA da, da DA da...
]
Nightlamp: Dick Van Dyke is the secret celebrity??
DVD: Cor, wot ar' y'on 'bout? Me and Sarks go back aways--back t' when we set fire to--
Sarkycow: SHHHHHHHHH!! < canned laughter >
RooK: Then why are you here??
DVD: T' 'elp her wid winnin' the Emmy, o' course!
Nightlamp < staggering around à la James T. Kirk > Must...resist...fake...accent...
< canned Fans-of-Nightlamp Section cheers >
Sarkycow: HEY--if anyone is going to do any scenery-chewing around here, it's ME!
RooK: Can we please get back to the subject at hand??
Sarkycow < going back to the fluttering-eyelash routine >: Ah do declare, Mr. RooK, you're giving me the vapours--
RooK: Oh, cut it out, you Susan Lucci-wannabe! < canned laughter > Now, do think it's Gene Rob--
Everyone Else: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! < canned hysterics... >
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
Nightlamp: We're getting nowhere!
DVD: Cheer up, guv'ner--when I'm feeling all sixes and sevens, I just sing a little song--
RooK: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
< Music strikes up >
Nightlamp: It's too late!
DVD < dancing around >: Supercalifragilisticexpiali-DO-cious...
RooK: I'm gonna puke!
Sarkycow: Shut up, this is fun! < starts singing along > Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious...
< She and DVD start doing a high-kicking routine, generating canned cheers and whistles >
Sarkycow: I'LL GET THAT EMMY YET!...
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
< Icarus Coot rushes in >
IC: Sarkycow, I've been a fool! < kneels > Will you marry me?
Laugh Track: AAAAAAAAAAAAAWW..
Sarkycow: Oh, Icarus, I want to say "Yes!" But...there's something you should know...
< Sappy music plays >
Voiceover: On a very special "Oh, That Sarkycow--"
RooK: THAT DOES IT! Someone call me when we're back to determining a Christian-or-Anti-Christian-celebrity! < flounces off >
DVD: Blimey, that feller's off the twist!...
Nightlamp: Maybe a shipmate poll will give us a clue.
Sarkycow: Maybe...but...what about my secret? < bites knuckle melodramatically while sappy music plays again... >
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Joyeux
Ship's Lady of Laughter
# 3851
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Posted
finally getting to sit down and catch up on the only soap opera I follow... thank goodness I don't need standard A/V equipment to "see" episodes I've missed!
How can we ever wait to learn her secret?
Did she secretly aid and abet the underground rebellion in a third-world country? Is she really pulling the strings on the most convincing sock-puppet? Or is she...
*other friends in home-viewing audience throw pillows at J, in an attempt to make her sit still and be quiet, like a good little girl™*
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Float?...Do science too
Posts: 4318 | From: over th... no, there! | Registered: Dec 2002
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Jen.
Godless Liberal
# 3131
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Posted
No, the secret is that she has a even more evil twin. and she is the nice one in the family.
*shudder*
J
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Was Jenny Ann, but fancied being more minimal.
Posts: 5318 | From: Manchester, England | Registered: Aug 2002
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
IC < manfully >: Sarkycow, I know I can deal with any secret you have.
Sarkycow: Well...Icarus...I HAVE FLAT FEET! < starts sobbing; canned hysterics >
IC: ...I..think I can live with that--
Sarkycow: No, no!--when we're man and wife, I'll have to...take off my shoes at some point...Oh, Icarus, they're HIDEOUS! < sobs again; canned laughter >
IC: I don't care! I'm marrying you, not your feet--although...wearing a pair of Heaven's fuzzy bunny slippers in the privacy of our home probably would make you less self-conscious. < canned laughter >
Sarkycow < after the briefest of grimaces >: Oh, Icarus, you're so wonderful! < they embrace >
Laugh Track: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWW...
< A fanfare suddenly sounds. Ruth, Laura, Viola, and Hooker's Trick enter in solemn procession, with RooK scurrying after them holding a fanfare-playing boombox. He shuts the boombox off, cutting off the fanfare without warning. Canned laughter >
DVD: Oi, who are the tony folk??
< RooK, Nightlamp, and Sarkycow, and IC genuflect >
R/N/S/I: Accept our unworthy tribute, O Admins. < canned titters >
Laura: O Hellhosts, in mercy for your pitiful existence, we grant thee a boon--
Ruth: We shall allow you gaze upon the anonymous celebrity--
Hooker's Trick: You may have suspected...
Viola: Allow us to introduce--
All four: Satan himself!
Laugh track: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
< Nightlamp, RooK, Sarkycow, and IC tremble in anxiety >
< Simon Jenkins enters. Canned hysterics >
N/R/S/I: YOU???
Simon: It's always the last person you'd suspect, isn't it?... < canned laughter >
[ 14. November 2003, 02:48: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
DVD: Wait now, wasn't that line used in The Simp--
< Simon points at DVD, who disappears in a puff of smoke; canned laughter >
Simon: Sorry to make you jump through all these hoops just to get the Board tidied up, but, I am The Prince of Darkness, after all. < canned laughter >
Nightlamp: If I may ask, why are you revealing yourself?
Simon: Oh, secrecy doesn't matter much now--my Reign of Evil is coming soon enough, on...oh dear, where's my scheduler? I'm so bad at dates...< canned laughter > ...regardless, it's coming soon, and I'd like to thank all the unknowing minions on SoF for being such useful tools in trapping souls in Damnation.
RooK: Watchman was right!! < canned laughter and applause >
Sarkycow: This is too much! I don't think I can take any more surprises!
Simon: How ironic--you see...Sarkycow, I am your father! < canned hysterics >
RooK: Ooh, don't want to be at that family reunion! < canned laughter >
Sarkycow < in shock >: Well...if you're my father...< 180-degree turn to excited greed > can I have an Emmy? < canned hysterics >
Simon: Of course, my dear. < he snaps his fingers and an Emmy appears in Sarkycow's hands > This is the one Courtney Cox was supposed to finally get. < Canned laughter >
Sarkycow: Wow, thanks Dad! < canned laughter >
Simon: There's no doubt of your paternity, my dear. < canned laughter > Well, I'll be seeing you all again soon enough...carry on. < exits with Admins to canned laughter and applause >
Nightlamp: ...Wow...I don't anything will ever top what just happened.
RooK: Does that mean this was the Series Finale?
Sarkycow: Who cares?? I GOT AN EMMY!! < kisses it > I'd like to thank my father and Satan and--oops, same person, tee-hee... < canned laughter and applause >
CURTAIN
[Acceptance speech added]
[ 14. November 2003, 12:48: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
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Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012
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Posted
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif) ![[Snigger]](graemlins/snigger.gif) ![[Killing me]](graemlins/killingme.gif)
I'd like to thank my screenwriter, Bel. Everyone charge your glasses:
To Bel!
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“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”
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John Donne
Renaissance Man
# 220
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Posted
Cheers!
I'm sure Icarus was the envy of all.
Now, haven't you got a hot stove to be slaving over? Kuche, Kinder, Kirche and all that.
Posts: 13667 | From: Perth, W.A. | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
< bows >
Your humble servant.
ETA: But where are my manners--kudos also to Arrietty, The Coot, soggy_amphibian*, Stoo*, Louise, RooK*, Miffy, and madkaren for their contributions.
* Also PM'd ideas
[ 15. November 2003, 03:55: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
By semi-popular request, we now bring...
Behind the Laughter: Oh, That Sarkycow
- How it all began
- The Rise of Heaven's Favorite Sitcom
- The Private and Not-So-Private Rivalries
- The Alternate Scenes and Moments Too Hot for Heaven
- Where are they now?
Narrator: It was the heady days of May 2003. Concerned about the growing perception that Hell was the new center of SoF creativity, writer/producer Belisarius pondered what to do...
Belisarius: ...it was time for the next big project. While wondering what genre to concentrate on, I realized that whether previous threads were ostensibly for spectacle < visual cue of The Miss SoF Pageant >, drama < visual cue of Heaven: The Soap Opera >, or even reality programming < visual cue of Smilie Sister 2 >, the comedic element kept creeping in. Then it hit me--"Of course! Do a sitcom!" But--who would be the lead?
Narrator: In a brilliant moment of inspiration, Belisarius turned his thoughts to both one of Heaven's harshest critics and a particular thread in Hell...
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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ChrisT
One of the Good Guys™
# 62
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Posted
...however they weren't available for the modest budget awarded to film the show by SoF Productions, a fledgling company with rumours of dodgy business dealings. So Bel went for the next best, Sarkycow!
<cut to a heavily pregnant Sarkycow, surrounded by small screaming children, cigarrette precariously perched in her lips, feeding a small dog milk from a baby bottle>
Sarkycow: Well, I immediately jumped at the chance, dahling, I simply adore old, sorry, young Bellyboy. And the rough pilot script he sent me, although it was handwritten on cheap toilet paper, was just so refreshing and ... well, earthy. It's been a long time since I've had the opportunity to come to grips with a part as big as this, so I relished the thought of it. Teas in the pot if you want some.
Narrator: So with a lead actress hired for the princely sum of a packet of TimTams and a ride in the producers SUV, the team could get started on writing the show, and who better to provide the inspiration for this sparklingly witty new sitcom than...
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Firmly on dry land
Posts: 6489 | From: Here, there and everywhere | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
...John D. Miller, whose hilarious numerological threads are still fondly remembered by SoF veterans.
Belisarius: ...We were very excited. Successfully releasing a sitcom about Hell would be a major coup for Heaven, and we already had a built-in audience...
Narrator: The pilot was ready to be made. But who would play the co-star? Sarkycow recommended RooK < old Glamor Shots photo >, whom she had seen on Amateur Night at Chippendales. Not particularly caring one way or the other, the writers agreed.
< Cut to archival footage >
Staffer: Sarkycow Pilot, Take One
Belisarius: And...action!
< Sarkycow enters stage >
RooK: Morning, Sarkycow.
Sarkycow: "Morning" has seven letters, representing the seven days of Creation and Resting, but it has two vowels, representing the duality of Christ...
< Focus group sits silently >
Narrator: Belisarius had miscalculated the appeal of John D. Miller to younger viewers. Advertisers were unenthusiastic. What to do?
Belisarius: We went to our second choice for inspiration: Duchess's Magic 8-Ball...
< Cut to archival footage >
Staffer: Sarkycow Pilot, Take One
Belisarius: And...action!
< Sarkycow enters stage >
RooK: Morning, Sarkycow.
Sarkycow: KISS MY BIBLE, HEATHEN!! < smashes RooK in the face with steel-plated KJV >
< Focus group roars with laughter >
Belisarius: --and the reaction was incredible!
RooK < dressed as Harold Hill for a Dinner Theatre production of "The Music Man" >: It hurt like ****, but I knew we had a hit on our hands.
Narrator: The premiere date was set...but at the Eleventh hour--
Duchess: --All I wanted was my fair share of the residuals. Cheap bastards.
Belisarius: ...it always comes down to money in the end. Rather than delay the premiere in wrangling, we decided to start from scratch...
[ 17. November 2003, 20:18: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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John Donne
Renaissance Man
# 220
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Posted
Belisarius (cont.): ... What to do? I was lounging in the Heavenly Hosts Pink Fluffy Bourdoir feeling a little bit dispirited, when Sarkycow walked in and proceeded to dry her hair langorously and intentionally. A flustered Icarus came mincing in. And it was:
'Ms Cow! Stop hogging that mirror! You took 40 minutes in the bathroom! This is our Boyz Space. I've got a hot date with Sine in 15 minutes, and I need to zhoozh myself up a bit!'
Quite entertaining really. I was rather tickled to hear Sarky reply:
'Oh **** off and die you vapid queen!'
A very edifying interchange:
'Oooo! Overworked Bed Whore on a Tasmanian-bound Slaveship!'
A plot started to gel in my mind.
[Edit: formatting]
[ 17. November 2003, 22:16: Message edited by: The Coot (Icarus) ]
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
Belisarius (cont.): The chemistry between them--somewhat adapted, of course--would be a major component of the series. It would have to wait, though, until we had a successful pilot episode.
Narrator: Belisarius asked for advice from his collegue, the respected dramaturge Stoo...
Stoo < in a black turtleneck and enthusiastically gesturing with a cigarillo in one hand >: The problem was that the series had to be more than about Hell--it had to be of Hell. Belisarius could not afford to cut corners--he needed perfomers with the proper sense memories to convey the whole Hell experience, make us believe it...
Narrator: Belisarius took Stoo's advice to heart. < Shot of Hellhost cast > Some incriminating photos helped bring trained Hellhost Nightlamp to the cast; The elusive David agreed to join after his contract promised him the right to eviscerate any guest star he didn't like. With time running out on its last chance, the creative team was forced to adopt an unconventional approach to finally bringing the pilot alive...
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
Stoo: We decided to take a quasi-improvisational approach so as to completely facilitate character-driven interaction--though some basic Method training was necessary for some of the players. < cut to photo of Stoo observing intensely while Sarkycow has sullenly taken an "I am a tree" pose >
Belisarius: Rather than rely on one theme, we stole--I mean, emulated ideas from various sources--ensemble-oriented shows like Newsradio, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, The Simpsons, The Jack Chick Variety Hour...
Narrator: And so a final pilot was cobbled together < Photo of OP action >. The action would take place in the Office of Hell, with Sarkycow being put in charge of a controversial thread...
Belisarius: That was the cornerstone--we needed a snappy thread title, but we were stumped--up to the day of shooting--
Narrator: But then, Belisarius noticed that the "Vicar Duped Me Into Having Sex" thread was about to be closed.
Belisarius: It hit me--"Lesbian Atheists Duped Me Into Sex!" Everything else fell into place...
Narrator: All that remained to figure out was the title.
Belisarius: We were going to have a play on a pre-existing title--dozens of them were being flung around--when suddenly Icarus flounced in after some new conflict with Sarky and announced "Ooh, that Sarkycow is such a bitch!" Oh, that Sarkycow. Q.E.D....
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
Narrator: The rest, as they say, is history...
Stoo: I believe our success was due to the combination, unique in its time for a sitcom, of Steinbeckian morality and Post-War ambiguity, as embodied by the "innocent demon" of Sarkycow--though the Grand Guignol elements admittedly were a factor also...
RooK: The disembowelings. Definitely the disembowelings. If you didn't have Cable, this was the place for it.
Narrator: The buzz spread like wildfire. Before taping was concluded, celebrities like Erin (archive photo of her shooting a flamethrower) and RuthW (archive photo of her being crowned Miss Episcopalian Liberal 2001) agreed to make cameos. "Oh, That Sarkycow!" was a hit.
To continue the success achieved by the Pilot, Icarus Coot was about to be introduced--but as the wacky next-door neighbor.
Belisarius: Oh, yes--the comic twist in the original "Sarkycow's Blind Date" was that the date was Lifeman...
< cut to archival footage >
Sarkycow: < glances at sheet > ...Now, he should be at one of these tables and wearing an orange carnation--
< She sees Lifeman, still scalpless, sitting a table wearing an orange carnation. Canned hysterics >
Sarkycow < glancing down and realizing she's still wearing Lifeman's scalp as a cameo brooch > OH NO!! < more canned hysterics >
Narrator: Fate, however, would intervene...
[typo]
[ 01. December 2003, 18:24: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
Stoo: You see, Lifeman made the mistake of many beginning performers not yet secure in their craft--crossing the line between "the play" and reality. His overtures to Sarkycow became a little too overt... < archival footage of an ambulance leaving the "Oh, That Sarkycow!" set >
Narrator: With the episode unfinished, the Production Staff took a gamble...
Sarkycow < taking a long drag >: Oh, yes, I thought Bellyboy had gone completely mad. I mean, me and Icarus?? But I suppose it worked out all right--NIGEL!! STAY AWAY FROM MUMMY'S "MEDICINE" OR I'LL KNOCK YOU INTO NEXT WEEK!!...
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
Narrator: Despite the turmoil off-screen, audiences were charmed by Sarkycow and Icarus's on-screen chemistry < photo of Sarkycow-chasing-a-bikini-clad-Icarus scene >.
Icarus Coot < filing his nails >: Oh, I liked the challenge, I suppose, of pretending to like that beast, but, honestly, the tacky facade we had to keep up!
Narrator: The practically-obligatory public appearances and enemies made along the way only added to the strain...
< cut to archival footage of Sarkycow and IC waving at a crowd with set smiles. Suddenly screams are heard as people leap out of the way of a cleaver-brandishing Duchess >
Duchess: MY PILOT SHOULD HAVE BEEN AIRED!! LET'S SEE HOW FUNNY YOU ARE AS A PILE OF STEAK!!
< she lunges at Sarkycow, who whacks her away with her pitchfork. The crowd, now thinking the whole thing was staged, guffaws >
[Edit: name fixed for artistic purposes. Flounce.]
[ 04. December 2003, 20:43: Message edited by: Icarus Coot ]
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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duchess
Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764
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Posted
![[Cool]](cool.gif)
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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party
Posts: 11197 | From: Do you know the way? | Registered: May 2002
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Lifeman
Troll
# 579
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Posted
What a nice surprise to see that Lifeman was brought back on the show for another cameo appearance....
Was this because by popular request from Lifeman's fans in America?
Posts: 746 | Registered: Jun 2001
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Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012
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Posted
No, it's cause I wanted to flay you (aka do a Bad Willow™ ) one more time. I do so enjoy a good flaying. Especially of an idiot.
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“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”
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Lifeman
Troll
# 579
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Posted
Miss Cow,
I'm not sure that your taste for flagelation should be part of what I understand to be a family show. There's too much of this sort of thing on T.V.
I think that it would be good to see Lifeman on the show as a regular cameo comic slot (like Des O'Connor on the Morecombe and Wise show)
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