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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Heaven: Advice for new Apprentices
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Left at the Altar
Ship's Siren
# 5077
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Posted
Preferably, the first thread you start should also be your first post.
Hell is an excellent place to start, and you should choose a topic in which you are looking for a bit of sympathy. You can dress it up a bit as righteous indignation.
When another shipmate offers some advice/soothing words, respond with more whining and go into detail about how you have been wronged.
If a big, nasty HellHost comes in and calls you horrid names, respond by telling him that he has acted like a $@^%$@ who should show you sympathy. Tell him though, that despite his failings, the Lord loves him, and so do you, because that is the way humans should act towards each other. HellHosts like it when you demonstrate the proper way to act.
This will make you both best friends. ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
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Still pretty Amazing, but no longer Mavis.
Posts: 9111 | Registered: Oct 2003
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Jen.
Godless Liberal
# 3131
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Posted
Tell people how you feel, all the time.
It is a community you know. they want to hear it.
J
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Was Jenny Ann, but fancied being more minimal.
Posts: 5318 | From: Manchester, England | Registered: Aug 2002
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Eutychus
From the edge
# 3081
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Left at the altar:
Preferably, the first thread you start should also be your first post.
![[Hot and Hormonal]](icon_redface.gif)
I have never looked back.
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Let's remember that we are to build the Kingdom of God, not drive people away - pastor Frank Pomeroy
Posts: 17944 | From: 528491 | Registered: Jul 2002
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Scarlet
Mellon Collie
# 1738
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Posted
When you approach a thread in Hell, be prepared to either sell concessions, or add to the merriment of the party already in progress. Everyone, including the hosts, loves to see plenty of popcorn, beer, hard liquor, and snacks being passed around and consumed.
Making frequest editorial asides regarding the posts will also earn you the attention you so crave.
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They took from their surroundings what was needed... and made of it something more.
—dialogue from Primer
Posts: 4769 | Registered: Nov 2001
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Gremlin
Ship's Cryptanalyst
# 129
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Posted
Sarcasm is the lingua franca of the Internet, and is particularly useful when discussing theology with Shipmates.
Gremlin
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Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
Oh I get it... like humour... but different.
Posts: 5221 | From: Isle of Man | Registered: May 2001
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Jen.
Godless Liberal
# 3131
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Posted
Its ok to post really long words, the boards are like word, it cuts off at the end of the line.
It never breaks the horizontal scroll.
J
[edited due to the fact that maybe it isn't funny to break the horizontal scroll on purpose. ]
[ 07. January 2004, 20:44: Message edited by: .Jenny ]
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Was Jenny Ann, but fancied being more minimal.
Posts: 5318 | From: Manchester, England | Registered: Aug 2002
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Alan Cresswell
Mad Scientist 先生
# 31
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Posted
The Ship is, despite appearances, actually a dating agency. To truely be a part of this community you need to fall in love and announce your engagement.
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Don't cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it.
Posts: 32413 | From: East Kilbride (Scotland) or 福島 | Registered: May 2001
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Scarlet
Mellon Collie
# 1738
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Annie P:
Erin frequently attends US shipmeets. Oh and Erin is male.
Not only that, but he's really old.
Oh, and I forgot - he's an Arizona fan...
[ 07. January 2004, 20:46: Message edited by: bessie rosebride ]
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They took from their surroundings what was needed... and made of it something more.
—dialogue from Primer
Posts: 4769 | Registered: Nov 2001
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Annie P
Ship's galley maid
# 3453
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Posted
Always go out of your way to stick up for any trolls who may post on the ship from time to time. After all, remember, this is a Christian site.
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Older now, but not necessarily wiser.
Posts: 3248 | From: stockton-on-tees | Registered: Oct 2002
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Callan
Shipmate
# 525
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Posted
Remember - Purgatory may be a debate space but it's not just for pointy headed intellectuals. You may know less than the other contributors but do call them "fuckwits" if you disagree with them but can't think of a pertinent argument.
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How easy it would be to live in England, if only one did not love her. - G.K. Chesterton
Posts: 9757 | From: Citizen of the World | Registered: Jun 2001
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Left at the Altar
Ship's Siren
# 5077
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Posted
Another good first post is to go to The Styx and start a thread about what is wrong with the Ship and how it could be more efficiently managed.
To assist the administrators, refer to each board and point out, in reasonably diplomatic language, how the hosts could improve. Quote the commandments and guidelines to show precisely where the hosts are letting things slip a bit.
In the Circus, join in a game without reading the first post, which contains unnecessary detail. People love it when you play "blind" because it takes the threads off on such interesting tangents.
[ 07. January 2004, 21:10: Message edited by: Left at the altar ]
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Still pretty Amazing, but no longer Mavis.
Posts: 9111 | Registered: Oct 2003
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welsh dragon
Shipmate
# 3249
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Posted
Only post a rant in Hell about something really important that you might legitimately be expected to feel angry about e.g. stubbing your toe or not winning the lottery.
If a bomb falls on your house and blows off your legs and you post about how inchoately, gut-wrenchingly fraught and furious that makes you feel, then that is "whining".
If someone is "whining" about something they think is important in their life on a Hell thread, then it is a really good idea to go and tell them to cheer up and smell the coffee.
If they swear at you, then you should say how enormously surprised you are...
...after all it *is* a Christian website...
Posts: 5352 | From: ebay | Registered: Aug 2002
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Paul W.
Shipmate
# 1450
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Posted
Under-endowed men should confide in Pyx_e, who will show you great sympathy and support.
Paul W
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"It's just a ride" - Bill Hicks
Blog
Flickr
Posts: 2835 | From: Leeds, UK | Registered: Oct 2001
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welsh dragon
Shipmate
# 3249
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Posted
Depressed people should seek out a Hellhost in whom to confide.
Nightlamp in particular has a special interest in Rogerian counselling.
Posts: 5352 | From: ebay | Registered: Aug 2002
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shoewoman
Shipmate
# 1618
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Posted
Use as many abbrevs as possible, everybody enjoys the guessing game. If you find this too much trouble, careless spelling will do nicely. We are deeply impressed by extensive usage of foreign languages as well.
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Maybe I should get an avatar.... or maybe not....
Posts: 652 | From: Germany | Registered: Oct 2001
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Paul W.
Shipmate
# 1450
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Posted
There is no-one called Wood on these boards.
Paul W
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"It's just a ride" - Bill Hicks
Blog
Flickr
Posts: 2835 | From: Leeds, UK | Registered: Oct 2001
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Grits
Compassionate fundamentalist
# 4169
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Posted
Do a little research and find out the names and platforms of some past banned Shipmates. Talk about how you miss them and what a contribution they made to the Ship, rehashing what they did wrong and how they were treated unfairly. Be sure to indite as many hosts and admins in the process as possible. Everyone will be truly supportive -- I promise.
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Lord, fill my mouth with worthwhile stuff, and shut it when I've said enough. Amen.
Posts: 8419 | From: Nashville, TN | Registered: Feb 2003
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Arrietty
Ship's borrower
# 45
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Posted
Please do feel free to comment on the mental state of other posters and hand out unsolicited advice about how to run their lives. Erin in particular always welcomes being psychoanalysed by someone she's never met.
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i-church
Online Mission and Ministry
Posts: 6634 | From: Coventry, UK | Registered: May 2001
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Paul W.
Shipmate
# 1450
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Posted
These forums are the Ship-of-Fools, the actual magazine part of the site is just a sideline. You don't ever need to bother looking at it.
In fact, the most important part of the boards is the Mystery Worshipper forum. You can best play an active role in the community of the Ship by only ever posting on that forum. Don't bother reading the Styx, it's pointless and boring.
Paul W
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"It's just a ride" - Bill Hicks
Blog
Flickr
Posts: 2835 | From: Leeds, UK | Registered: Oct 2001
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Ags
Knocked up
# 204
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Posted
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to annoy Alan to the extent that he uses the 'F' word.
You get extra points for that.
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I think that we are most ourselves at our best, because that is what God intended us to be. The us we really like, the us that others love to be with. Moth
Posts: 2707 | From: London | Registered: May 2001
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Timothy the Obscure
Mostly Friendly
# 292
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Posted
Find a thread that was very contentious and ran at least three pages, but that no one has posted to for at least a week. Add a lengthy post addressing a critical issue that everyone else overlooked while they were prooftexting, typing Greek letters, and calling each other to Hell. They will admire your acute insight and be grateful that you did not let an important thread die with vital matters unresolved.
Timothy
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When you think of the long and gloomy history of man, you will find more hideous crimes have been committed in the name of obedience than have ever been committed in the name of rebellion.
- C. P. Snow
Posts: 6114 | From: PDX | Registered: May 2001
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Flausa
Mad Woman
# 3466
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Posted
If shipmates disagree with you on one thread, go complain about it on an entirely unrelated thread. You're sure to find sympathy if you whine loud enough and long enough.
Posts: 4610 | From: bonny Scotland | Registered: Oct 2002
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Janine
The Endless Simmer
# 3337
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Posted
And always make sure to promote other boards, other Webzines, other forums and websites and threads, oh my!
Don't bother with useful references to places that do not compete with the Ship-- stick to actually recruiting for and promoting foreign websites.
Post lots of links. Extra points if the things to which you link are time-sensitive and go away, leaving lots of broken links on the thread. More extra points if you link to questionable sites.
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I'm a Fundagelical Evangimentalist. What are you?
Take Me Home * My Heart * An hour with Rich Mullins *
Posts: 13788 | From: Below the Bible Belt | Registered: Sep 2002
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
Complain vociferously about the Ship's In Crowd without having the balls to name Names.
The fricking snots know who They, themselves, are. ![[Paranoid]](graemlins/paranoid.gif)
You know- the ones who are exchanging billions and billions of PMs (about us losers ![[Waterworks]](graemlins/bawling.gif) ), know all the in-jokes, and are the life-of-the-party at the Shipmeets that are thrown especially for them at chi-chi resturants.
Those guys.
The turds. ![[Mad]](angryfire.gif)
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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Alan Cresswell
Mad Scientist 先生
# 31
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Posted
If you're a member of another board where you are engaged in some hum-dinger of a slanging match, come here and start a thread to recruit people to sign up there to help you out.
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Don't cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it.
Posts: 32413 | From: East Kilbride (Scotland) or 福島 | Registered: May 2001
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anglicanrascal
Shipmate
# 3412
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Alan Cresswell:
If you're a member of another board where you are engaged in some hum-dinger of a slanging match, come here and start a thread to recruit people to sign up there to help you out.
And if you are engaged in a hum-dinger of a slanging match on these boards (especially with management), recruit people from other boards to join your side over here!
Pax,
anglicanrascal
who has been reading the history of the Ship!
Posts: 3186 | From: Diocese of Litigalia | Registered: Oct 2002
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
There are two great games that surface from time to time which will give you extra street cred. One is called Famous Last Posts, where you try to post on every board in quick succession so that your name shows up on every line of the Recent Posts index. It doesn't matter what you post, even if it's just "Hello" or "Oops I'm on the wrong thread", so long as you get your name on it. The other is called All Around The Houses, where you start a thread on one board then try to get it moved to different boards. Extra points for doing this with the minimum amount of posts, and for getting it moved to more than two other boards before you're rumbled. (I think the record is currently five.) Extra special points for anyone who does a minimum of three boards then gets it moved into Dead Horses and Limbo.
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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Jen.
Godless Liberal
# 3131
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Posted
Mornington crescent is a great game and all hosts love it if you start this game anywhere on the boards.
try it, go on, you know you want to...
J
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Was Jenny Ann, but fancied being more minimal.
Posts: 5318 | From: Manchester, England | Registered: Aug 2002
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Talitha
Shipmate
# 5085
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Posted
If you think someone is a troll, go to every thread they've posted on and yell "TROLL! TROLL!" If enough people do this, the admins will eventually notice the troll and ban them, Otherwise, they will be free to roam the ship and wreak havoc.
The hosts do not read the threads; they use automatic word-recognition software. So if you want to swear at people in Purgatory, or make racist or homophobic comments, it's okay as long as you spell them wrong.
Posts: 554 | From: Cambridge, UK | Registered: Oct 2003
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Arrietty
Ship's borrower
# 45
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Posted
SOF is always happy to provide a forum for those who wish to 'act out' their loathing of a certain form of Christianity or Christianity in general. Please feel free to post scathing criticisms of other posters regardless of the topic under discussion on the basis of their perceived beliefs. It all contriubtes to the 'Christian unrest'.
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i-church
Online Mission and Ministry
Posts: 6634 | From: Coventry, UK | Registered: May 2001
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Jen.
Godless Liberal
# 3131
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Posted
snice terhe is a teorhy taht you can selpl wrdos any way you wnat as lnog as you hvae the frsit and lsat lttrees in the crreoct palce, tihs is apectlbice wehn you psot.
J
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Was Jenny Ann, but fancied being more minimal.
Posts: 5318 | From: Manchester, England | Registered: Aug 2002
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Jen.
Godless Liberal
# 3131
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Arrietty:
Si taht a dgi ta me, Nenjy?
no,
I didn't mean it to come across like that. sorry.
J
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Was Jenny Ann, but fancied being more minimal.
Posts: 5318 | From: Manchester, England | Registered: Aug 2002
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Alan Cresswell
Mad Scientist 先生
# 31
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Posted
Never admit to making a mistake. Never apologise. It just makes it look like you don't know what you're talking about.
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Don't cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it.
Posts: 32413 | From: East Kilbride (Scotland) or 福島 | Registered: May 2001
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Michal
Shipmate
# 5337
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Posted
Be sure to remind yourself constantly that the three years of lurking on the boards, reading numerous threads and responses by board hosts does not in any way give you any insight into the personalities on board.
Do not ever mention that you remember "the good old days" when the Ship celebrated the arrival of its 1,000th member or when there was a Shipmate named Wood.
Pretend you know nothing about anything. Be nice. Avoid being called to Hell at all costs. Enjoy the circus.
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Living Christ, you are risen from the dead! Love reigns! NZ Prayer Book, 1989.
Posts: 170 | From: Water and Dunes | Registered: Dec 2003
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Pyx_e
Quixotic Tilter
# 57
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Posted
Ariel said: quote:
There are two great games that surface from time to time which will give you extra street cred. One is called Famous Last Posts, where you try to post on every board in quick succession so that your name shows up on every line of the Recent Posts index. It doesn't matter what you post, even if it's just "Hello" or "Oops I'm on the wrong thread", so long as you get your name on it.
So you still have not managed it then. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
P
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It is better to be Kind than right.
Posts: 9778 | From: The Dark Tower | Registered: May 2001
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
Good basic rules for getting respect and getting your point across in Hell: - Always be serious and take offense at any jocularity aimed at yourself or your friends.
- Try to stay above the coarse antics of the so-called Christians mocking your reasonable arguments. After all, Hell really is just a more intense Purgatory.
- If your opponents bait you into revealing your ire, take a tone of righteous indignation.
- If they further tempt to to lower yourself to their level and you find yourself behaving in a way your parents and your pastor always said was Wrong, remember It's not your fault- it's theirs.
- Never give way on any particular of your argument. No apologies. No hedging. They'd only lord it over you which would be intolerable.
- Lastly, as others have mentioned, the classic denoument is to announce you are leaving the Ship. To do it thoroughly, announce on the Hell thread, in Styx, in All Saints, on that Purg/MW/Keryg thread you've been nattering on for ages (to explain why you can't finish the discussion), and a really good touch is to leave a maudlin message of farewell to your friends on the "sermon" on your profile page.
- Anticlimatically, lurk to see how everyone is taking your departure and make a brief re-appearance if people aren't being respectful enough.
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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Arrietty
Ship's borrower
# 45
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by .Jenny:
quote:
Originally posted by Arrietty:
Si taht a dgi ta me, Nenjy?
no,
I didn't mean it to come across like that. sorry.
J
I should have put a smilie in, it was a joke!
![[Biased]](wink.gif) ![[Razz]](tongue.gif) ![[Yipee]](graemlins/spin.gif) ![[Cool]](cool.gif)
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i-church
Online Mission and Ministry
Posts: 6634 | From: Coventry, UK | Registered: May 2001
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Jen.
Godless Liberal
# 3131
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Posted
ok.
another rule for apprentices...
being thin skinned is a good thing. especially in hell. taking things to heart is shows you are a sensitive soul.
J
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Was Jenny Ann, but fancied being more minimal.
Posts: 5318 | From: Manchester, England | Registered: Aug 2002
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welsh dragon
Shipmate
# 3249
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Posted
![[Overused]](graemlins/notworthy.gif)
(this sort of post is a very good idea)
[ 08. January 2004, 19:50: Message edited by: welsh dragon ]
Posts: 5352 | From: ebay | Registered: Aug 2002
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Miffy
Ship's elephant
# 1438
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Posted
![[Axe murder]](graemlins/lovedrops.gif)
(As is this)
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"I don't feel like smiling." "You're English dear; fake it!" (Colin Firth "Easy Virtue")
Growing Greenpatches
Posts: 4739 | From: The Kitchen | Registered: Oct 2001
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welsh dragon
Shipmate
# 3249
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Posted
I so totally agree Miffy, that is absolutely the most amazing and wonderful post I have ever read in my entire life and the history of the world.
(as is this).
Posts: 5352 | From: ebay | Registered: Aug 2002
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Miffy
Ship's elephant
# 1438
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Posted
![[Devil]](graemlins/devil.gif)
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"I don't feel like smiling." "You're English dear; fake it!" (Colin Firth "Easy Virtue")
Growing Greenpatches
Posts: 4739 | From: The Kitchen | Registered: Oct 2001
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balaam
Making an ass of myself
# 4543
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Posted
This site is about Christian unrest. Posters should be unrestful about everything, especially board policy.
In the interest of unrestfulness it is therfore compulsory to question everything a host, administrator and especially board editor says.
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Last ever sig ...
blog
Posts: 9049 | From: Hen Ogledd | Registered: May 2003
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Alt Wally
Cardinal Ximinez
# 3245
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Posted
If you disagree with someone, it's probably because that person isn't a Christian (even if they claim to be). It is your duty to inform them of this.
Posts: 3684 | Registered: Aug 2002
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Grits
Compassionate fundamentalist
# 4169
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Posted
And, if you find out they are, indeed, not a Christian, well... you've already been advised of the open conversion policy.
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Lord, fill my mouth with worthwhile stuff, and shut it when I've said enough. Amen.
Posts: 8419 | From: Nashville, TN | Registered: Feb 2003
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Chapelhead*
Ship’s Photographer
# 1143
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Posted
The benefits of owning an SUV is a great thread subject.
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Benedikt Gott Geschickt!
Posts: 7082 | From: Turbolift Control. | Registered: Aug 2001
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MrSponge2U
Ship’s scrub
# 3076
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Posted
As we believe our political leaders (especially the conservative ones) have been chosen by God, they should never be criticized in any way.
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sig? what sig?
Posts: 3558 | From: where two big rivers meet | Registered: Jul 2002
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Flausa
Mad Woman
# 3466
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Posted
Stating frequently "I've nothing to add to this thread, but I'm just letting you know that I'm here," is a great way to boost your post count.
Posts: 4610 | From: bonny Scotland | Registered: Oct 2002
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