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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Heaven: Presenting: SoF's The Cast Iron Chefs!
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
GK, Amer. Challenger
GK emerges from the pavilion. She has changed her attire, and now sports a t-shirt, sweater, jeans, wool socks, hiking boots, and a sleeveless fiberfill vest.
She approaches the fireplace.
What is more quintessentially American than the outdoor meal? A kids' campout, a backyard picnic, a beach party.
We like our outdoor food simple, hot, and creative--and, in true pioneer spirit, we consider that a little scorching just enhances the flavor. We happily brave the possibilities of insects, cold damp ground, and a little sand mixed in with the potato salad. We're tough.
We're here, we're pioneers, get used to it!
GK lights the tinder in the fireplace. 2 elves patiently fan it into a fire.
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
GK, Amer. Challenger
House elves roll in several carts.
The first has food for the actual contest, pre-prepared to abide with the rules.
The hearty feast is served on red Grannyware, accompanied by colorful plastic utensils and inexpensive white paper napkins. Beverages include spiced cocoa, instant coffee, and Lipton's tea.
Chef GK presents the bounty to the chairman, panel, and chefs. Meanwhile, the elves prepare, over the fire, the same food for the entire audience, stage crew, delivery persons, teams of the other chefs, and the cleaning crew.
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
GK, Amer. Challenger
The HECK team passes the meal out to all. They roast the pies in pie irons.
They pass out the pies, along with booklets of fireside songs. The elves lead all assembled in a rowdy chorus of "On Top Of Spaghetti".
The elves begin roasting S'mores for themselves and anyone else who wants some. A few elves begin merrily leaping over the fire.
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
Golden Key, American Challenger
GK encourages herself. "Almost done. Chocolate. Day spa. Quiet."
She presents the chairman, panel, and chefs with ship-like, edible baskets made of Wonder bread, filled with an assortment of Ghirardelli chocolates.
The elves pass out identical baskets to everyone else in the building.
Back in the pavilion, HECK members begin cleaning and packing. Leftovers and samples are taken to the soup kitchen down the street.
Chef Golden Key bows low.
Honorable chairman, panel, fellow chefs, staff, and guests--
Our presentation is finished!
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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John Donne
Renaissance Man
# 220
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Posted
(Coot-san)
(Whispered aside)
[How did she manage to make all that in an hour?! Do you think that strange lady with the red hair and the dolly cart might have been smuggling ready cooked dishes in?]
Posts: 13667 | From: Perth, W.A. | Registered: May 2001
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
Kelly-san
(Eyes glazed over, Kelly totters over to campfire singing "On Top of Spaghetti." She sits down amongst elves and picks up a toasting fork,adding a marshmallow )
Ghirardelli! My favorite!
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Mertseger
Faerie Bard
# 4534
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Posted
(Kishi)
Kishi says very little as she works her way through these last dishes. Her expression is one of disappointment as she tries to find a polite way to say what she is thinking.
Open flames are notoriously hard to work with, and so I suppose we should give some credit for the effort involved. However, the selection and creativity here is not up to the caliber of the previous courses. A poorman's version of Pigs In A Blanket, a bowlderized version of Shit On A Shingle, and an a completely gratuitous reuse of the edible serving dish idea are rather anticlimactic.
The SOS, in particular, lacked the miso-like saltiness found in the usual chipped beef called for in the classic recipe which might have helped this dish hold up against its predicessors.
The corn was fresh and tasty, but, of course, had no direct connection to the theme.
All in all, the Challenger presented way too much food and subverted what was otherwise a highly successful meal.
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Go and be who you are:
The Body of Christ,
The Goddess of Body,
The Manifest Song of Faerie.
Posts: 1765 | From: Oakland, CA, USA | Registered: May 2003
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
"Hey! I told you guys! Big cocktail weinies! Mmmmmm...and s'mores...oh, yeah....hey, elf person! more chocolate here, see-voo-play, chop chop!
"What's with that Kishi person? It's a frickin' cook out for God's sake! Jeez, lighten up already. Here, elf, you. Take this to ol' Kishi-san."
[Hands a harrassed elf a dixie™ cup full of Jolt and a good splash of Light's rot-gut. And a damp, crumpled $1 bill the elf takes dubiously between two fingers. The elf heads back to the stage.]
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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Erin
Meaner than Godzilla
# 2
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Posted
(Iron Chef American)
Well, I suppose it's my turn. Wonder bread, as all true crackers know, is never intended to be the main "flavor" of a dish. Instead, it is designed provide a somewhat bland je ne sais quoi to traditional white trash "cooking".
So I present to you the perfect Wonder bread meal: the bologna sandwich. Two slices of bunny-soft white bread; one spread with a thin layer of Hellman's/Best mayonnaise, the other with French's yellow mustard; a slice of Oscar Mayer Bologna (the real kind, not beef, which is far too artsy-fartsy for traditional cracker cuisine); a slice of Kraft American pasteurized process cheese food (on the side, as the South is split about 50/50 on whether or not a slice of Kraft belongs on the sandwich); a slice of beefsteak tomato and two perfectly crisp leaves of iceberg lettuce. On the side: a handful of Lay's potato chips (crisps for you limeys) and two Oreo cookies. Served with milk and Jell-O oranges.
In addition, we have the cracker "heart attack on a plate" -- the Monte Cristo sandwich. Turkey, ham, Swiss cheese and mayonnaise between two slices of bread which are then dipped in a whipped egg/sour cream batter and dredged in more Wonder bread in the form of bread crumbs. They have been deep-fried and served with an assortment of fruit preserves.
Finally, in order to satisfy the high-falutin' critics out there, we have an open-faced crab-and-tomato sandwich. The bread has been toasted on the bottom and is served with tomato slices and crab salad. The crab salad is made from the finest Alaskan king crab and mixed with cream cheese, lemon juice, Old Bay seasoning and a secret blend of herbs and spices which you will have to pry from my cold dead fingers. The sandwiches are then broiled for six to eight minutes, until golden brown.
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Commandment number one: shut the hell up.
Posts: 17140 | From: 330 miles north of paradise | Registered: Mar 2001
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
GK. Amer. Challenger
The fire has died. The elves observe "stir it 3 times, drown it 3 times" precautions. They remove all traces of the fireplace, and--for good measure--mop and dry the floor.
They collect all the dishes not currently in use, and take them to pavilion. They then head out to the tour bus for a shower, nap, and change of clothes before GK's "win or lose" party.
GK sips a tall hot chocolate in the pavilion, listening to Chef Erin's speech. "Speaking of baloney," she mutters.
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
(Thinks: I don't believe this. I travel how many hundreds of miles to wherever this is to be presented with a plate of sandwiches and a glass of MILK???
And not even so much as a single house elf leaving as little as just one pint of milk on my doorstep.
And what happened to presentation? Off-white plastic plates, by the look of it. The ensemble does however have a certain je ne sais quoi. And actually, this Monte Cristo sandwich isn't bad; I'll know for certain after I've had a bit more.)
Ariel Critic-san
Hmmm ... intriguing. I must say I admire the flat perfection of the slice of processed cheese: it would be a shame to spoil it by eating it.
[ 15. January 2004, 19:52: Message edited by: Ariel ]
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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Duo Seraphim*
Sea lawyer
# 3251
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Posted
Duo Seraphim critic-san
The crab sandwich au gratin - an interesting touch. To my palate, the Monte Cristo is a combination of savoury French toast and Croque Monsieur, thus permitting a direct comparison with the Challenger's own twist on this classic. The bologna sandwich brings irrestibly to mind the devon sandwich, as served in Greek milkbars across Australia.
One can of course be too precious with the presentation of sandwiches.
<brushes crumbs off her furisode>
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2^8, eight bits to a byte
Posts: 3967 | From: Sydney Australia | Registered: Aug 2002
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Amazing Grace*
Shipmate
# 4754
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by golden key:
GK, Amer. Challenger
The HECK team passes the meal out to all. They roast the pies in pie irons.
They pass out the pies, along with booklets of fireside songs. The elves lead all assembled in a rowdy chorus of "On Top Of Spaghetti".
The elves begin roasting S'mores for themselves and anyone else who wants some. A few elves begin merrily leaping over the fire.
[Charlotte was quite awake now and enjoyed the campfire from a safe distance. She had thought about bribing the elves to get the remainders of the Tillamook cheese for the Toast-Tite (that's another brand name for those things) sandwiches, but Ghirardelli and S'Mores Does Not Suck. She joined heartily in the singing between bites until Chef Erin made her presentation.]
[ 16. January 2004, 01:56: Message edited by: Amazing Grace ]
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.sig on vacation
Posts: 2594 | From: Sittin' by the dock of the [SF] bay | Registered: Jul 2003
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
Kelly-San
(Returns to critic's corner, brushing crumbs off gown.)
Call me pedestrian, but I think the bologna sandwich is my favorite part of Chef Erin's presentation. What zen simplictiy in the simple Lunchmeat and white bread concoction,and what better complement then Lay's and Oreos.
The crab salad sandwich is sinfully rich,but maybe a tad overproduced, and the Monte Carlo is something to order for a last meal, if you asked me. It's bound to be your last meal one way or another.
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
GK, Amer. Challenger
A house elf notices that her new pal, Kelly, still seems somewhat dazed and shivery.
She wraps a soft quilt around Kelly, and gives her a cup of spiced cocoa.
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
Kelly smiles gratefully, and takes a big...long.. drink.)
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Janine
The Endless Simmer
# 3337
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Posted
{Janine wonders why the deliveries seem to be grouped by Chef, rather than into one big order... Perhaps there was some worry about secrecy, each chef wanting the little extras and last-minute delicacies kept close to the vest?
No matter--- No complaints. It was looking as if this Iron Chefs deal would keep her employed a while. And fed! That was a class act, that first Chef--- making sure everyone was fed. And no skimpy flirting-with-the-tastebuds samples, either! That was a meal!
"T'weren't no chocolate pudding... but then I didn't have to lick it off an opponent, either," she commented to herself.
"Aha- new Chef at work. So that is what one does with 'Cheese Food'..."
She unfolds a large, comfortable sling chair in a dark corner backstage, prepared to spend her free time here until the next scheduled delivery. Draping herself into it, she sighs contentedly and watches the current Chef at work.
Gently, rhythmically kicking a shapely white calf and a steel-toed boot, she mutters: "I'd have pan-fried the bologna."}
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I'm a Fundagelical Evangimentalist. What are you?
Take Me Home * My Heart * An hour with Rich Mullins *
Posts: 13788 | From: Below the Bible Belt | Registered: Sep 2002
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
Firenze Critic-san
Putting aside for the moment her current reading - 'Toad-in-the-hole and Other Amphibian Recipes' - Firenze places small samples of all the sandwiches before Greymalkin.
The cat laps the milk, eats the crab, licks the bologna for a while, but thinks better of it; and attempts to bat the piece of Monte Cristo under the chair.
While I notice Honourable Cat Assistant has not acutally swelled up and died from consuming the offerings, I am still cautious.
To begin with, they clash with my ensemble. I really do not think it is possible to team bologna sandwich with the output of any of the Milanese ateliers. Despite the Italian element to both. Or possibly because of it.
Nevertheless, points must be conceded for the fact that virtually all ingredients are denatured and artificial in the highest degree - do I detect the strange, unearthy crimson of a GM tomato? Almost certainly.
This is food, Jim, but not as we know it.
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
"Oh, yeah! Bologna sandwiches- classic! If I had a buck for every bologna sandwich I took to school in my little Man from U.N.C.L.E. lunchbox I'd have...lots. If I had that lunchbox, I'd really be in the money. Have you seen what they go for on E-Bay? Time to break out the Southern Comfort. ![[Yipee]](graemlins/spin.gif) Anyone?"
[Looks around at the trashed audience around her.]
"What a bunch of losers! Go American Cheffy! WoooHooo! "
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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Mertseger
Faerie Bard
# 4534
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Posted
(Kishi)
I am inclined to agree with Kelly here. Certainly, little skill is required to prepare this dish, but, on the other hand, this sandwich more than any dish presented so far highlights the delicious aroma and the unque texture of the bread.
But what is this plastic orange square on the plate?
Oh. We're supposed to eat it?!? Yes, ah, well ... the sandwich was still good.
The Monte Cristo, on the other hand, shows the technical abilities of the Iron Chef. Light, crisp, hot and savory, this dish is quite nice. And the preserves compliment it quite well.
The final sandwhich shows the creativity of the Iron Chef. The chosen spices are really quite exquisite with the crab. Here the toasted bread provides a wonderful textural component to the dish.
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Go and be who you are:
The Body of Christ,
The Goddess of Body,
The Manifest Song of Faerie.
Posts: 1765 | From: Oakland, CA, USA | Registered: May 2003
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Ronja
Shipmate
# 4693
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Posted
I can't believe it, after all those wieners and pies, but the sight of those sandwiches makes me really hungry!
Please, dear Lyda, may I have some of that Southern Comfort to kill the hunger pangs? I'll pass on the Jolt this time though...
Posts: 742 | From: Up North | Registered: Jul 2003
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
(brushes cheese crumbs from mouth rapidly before other critics spot them.)
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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John Donne
Renaissance Man
# 220
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Posted
(Coot-san)
Now we are ready for 'Judgement'! Our critics have been tasting and making their appraisals of the panoply of dishes provided by Chef and Challenger and the scores are being tabulated as we speak!
.
[Game note: Critics, please PM with a mark out of 20 for Chef and Challenger; considering the categories: Style, Taste, Presentation, Feasibility]
[ 18. January 2004, 05:19: Message edited by: Icarus Coot ]
Posts: 13667 | From: Perth, W.A. | Registered: May 2001
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John Donne
Renaissance Man
# 220
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Posted
(Coot-san)
Our results from Battle Bread are in! Challenger is victorious!
code:
Firenze Kelly Ariel Duo Seraphim Kishi
Challenger 15 14 17 13 19
Iron Chef 12 16 6 12 17
Posts: 13667 | From: Perth, W.A. | Registered: May 2001
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
GK, American Victor
A house elf, visiting the stage crew, does a happy dance, and runs out to the tour bus to inform GK.
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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Siegfried
Ship's ferret
# 29
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Posted
Floor Reporter Siegfried
Siegfried is interviewing the victorious Challenger
Congratuations on your victory. What would you credit for your amazing victory over the Iron Chef?
Sieg
Posts: 5592 | From: Tallahassee, FL USA | Registered: May 2001
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
GK, American Victor
Furious pounding on the door of GK's cubicle on the bus.
GK rolls over. "Huh?"
A house elf apparates on the end of her bed, and bounces.
"GK! GK! You won! We won!"
The elf wisely waves a mug of spiced cocoa under the chef's nose.
GK sits bolt upright, grasps the mug, and drinks deeply.
"Ahhhh", she sighs. "Wait--we won? WE WON!" GK bounces in the bed.
The elf points to the parking lot. "And there's a reporter."
"Ok, here's what we do." GK whispers to the house elf, and they both giggle furiously.
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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John Donne
Renaissance Man
# 220
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Posted
(Coot-san rustling through collated results)
Mm. Some interesting comments here:
"...I'm going to deduct some [marks] for the elves. Their singing was awful, and I don't like being woken up at 2 am."
"Thank Christ I'm doing this by PM"
"...the processed cheese is an image I can't get out of my mind"
Posts: 13667 | From: Perth, W.A. | Registered: May 2001
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
GK, American Victor
quote:
Originally posted by Siegfried:
Floor Reporter Siegfried
Siegfried is interviewing the victorious Challenger
Congratuations on your victory. What would you credit for your amazing victory over the Iron Chef?
Sieg
GK emerges from the tour bus, smiling. She is followed by a phalanx of house elves. They are all decked out in freshly starched, teal blue cooks' wear.
She motions cryptically to 4 house elves, who run off somewhere behind the bus.
She approaches reporter Siegfried, shakes his hand, and gives him a commuter cup filled with freshly-made spiced cocoa.
Siegfried, there was nothing magic to this win--literally. I've heard the rumors, but no magic was used in the preparation of items for judging.
We won because we are a good team. We worked together, and we worked hard. I guess it just goes to show you that fair treatment gets you farther than beating your assistants! ![[Biased]](wink.gif)
We're heading on in. You might want to join us. It could be...interesting.
GK and the elves dissolve into giggles, as they fall into formation behind her.
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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Siegfried
Ship's ferret
# 29
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Posted
Floor Reporter Siegfried
Coot-san...
I asked the Iron Chef the same question, and was given the following statement:
quote:
The critics are ignorant about cracker cuisine AND Wonder bread.
Sieg
Posts: 5592 | From: Tallahassee, FL USA | Registered: May 2001
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
"Prissy poser" [Lyda takes a hefty swig of Southern Comfort and hands it off to Light. She's at the sullen drunk stage. But is too much of a wuss to do anything but egg on the brawls of others.] "She'd better watch her back. I'd like to see Iron Gator punt one of those little prancers."
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
GK. American Victor
GK and the elves stop just outside the stage door. They huddle, then shout "Give 'em HECK!"
4 house elves join them, pushing covered carts.
GK winks, then opens the stage door.
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
GK, American Victor!
GK and her team assemble before the chairman and panel, bow low ![[Overused]](graemlins/notworthy.gif) , and wait to be acknowledged.
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif) "Um, yeah"
clap
clap
clap
clap
clap
[chug-chug-chug-aaahhhhh]
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
Golden Key bows to panel. Panel bow to Golden Key. Golden Key bows to chairman. Chairman bows to Golden Key. The panel and chairman bow to each other. Then the house elves start bowing to everyone individually. Time passes, people get aching necks and backs and start feeling slightly dizzy.
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
GK, American Victor
Thinks to self, "So do we just stand here? Am I supposed to wait for the chairman to speak? Is there a reward? Oy. "
GK takes a deep, relaxing breath, and nods at the elves. They take out their wands. Magic is afoot.
Everyone in the building is suddenly holding a gift basket, containing Wonder bread sandwiches, Chinese chicken salad, monastic fudge, Ariel Wine, Martinelli's sparkling cider, and a small package of Bertie Bott's Beans (the pleasant flavors only).
The chairman and panel also have hypoallergenic flowers, and magical pictures of GK and her team waving and cooking.
GK approaches Chef Erin, and bows. She surreptitiously signals to the elves, who roll the mysterious carts over to GK and uncover them.
She presents Erin with a 5-ft alligator, on a gentle, velvet leash, that spits out wrapped Ghirardelli chocolate whenever it's angry. The gator is named Spike.
The elves then present Erin's team with backpacks containing "Honorary HECK Team Member" t-shirts, monastic fudge, self-defense videos, and unionizing brochures.
Finally, GK presents Chef Erin with an antique Japanese tea set, a canister of the best powdered green tea, and a card which says:
"Making a cup of green tea, I stop the war." --Paul Reps
Erin, thank you for the competition! ![[Axe murder]](graemlins/lovedrops.gif)
--GK
GK bows to Erin again, then leads her team to the main floor, where they sit in lotus position and wait.
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
Will someone please give the chairman a poke and wake him up. I've arranged to have lunch with someone in October, and I don't want to be late.
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
Kelly-san
(Kelly has been chatting up a cute male elf in the corner. The thundering applause shakes her back to reality)
Whuhu? Oh... GK won? RIGHT ON!!! HOME-GIRL!HOME-GIRL!HOME-GIRL!
Well done, Erin-san; you brought me back to loving bologna. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
[ Elves singing: Mama's little baby loves gator, gator, mama's little baby loves gator stew...]
Hey, you better watch it, guys, she still has that deep-fryer....
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
[Lyda looks at the gift basket suddenly in her lap. Mmmm sandwiches, fudge, chicken salad- Chinese?- smells good, non-alcoholic beverages ![[Disappointed]](graemlins/disappointed.gif) . But wait! Tucked below the Martinelli's is a bottle of -yes it is!- tequila! She catches the eye of an elf she hadn't noticed before draped in a rakish Mexican blanket who winks and makes a thumbs up.]
"Wooo-eeeee! Gold-en Keeey! Gold-en Keeeey! You go girl! Woooo-eeeee!" clapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclap!!!!!!
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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John Donne
Renaissance Man
# 220
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Posted
[Ah, the crowd is fickle]
(Coot-san)
Thankyou, audience and honorable critics. Challenger was victorious over Iron Chef American in Battle Bread - but I am sure this is not the last word for Chairman Belisaga.
[Cut to Chairman Belisaga wearing a glittering gold tuxedo and lamé shoes. He bites into a peach the size of a lawn bowl with some angst]
Please join us again next week when Iron Chef English Heritage takes on a brave Challenger!
Posts: 13667 | From: Perth, W.A. | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
Chairman Belisaga washes down the peach with a teasingly squeezed pomegranate. Producing a satin handkerchief, he wipes his face with it in one chiaruscoic motion. Pausing to inwardly savor the tactile after-effects, he then grandiloquently gestures to a covered dish and proclaims:
The Secret Ingredient for the English Challenge is...
(whips away covering)
Golden Fry™ Yorkshire Pudding Mix!
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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sophs
Sardonic Angel
# 2296
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Posted
Englilsh Chef Challenger
pokes head round curtains
Is this my cue?
Posts: 5407 | From: searching saharas of sorrow | Registered: Feb 2002
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Amos
Shipmate
# 44
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Posted
Iron Chef English Heritage
Appears from the side of the stage in an Episcopal red-violet linen pinny, a toque of similar hue adding a certain Imperial quality to her appearance. With an expression of profound suspicion, she picks up the packet of Mystery Ingredient and examines the small print on the label. Mystery Ingredient indeed! This calls for some thought. And a gin.
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At the end of the day we face our Maker alongside Jesus--ken
Posts: 7667 | From: Summerisle | Registered: May 2001
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
Firenze
At the mention of gin, Firenze pauses in her packing of a small Vuitton holdall, to retrieve a silver flask from underneath the chair. She takes a mediative swig.
The weekend starts here. Come, Greymalkin. Time, I think, to catch the sleeper north. It looks like being another demanding week next week.
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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John Donne
Renaissance Man
# 220
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Posted
(Coot-san)
Oh yes, we film all the shows together in one frenzied afternoon. In a minute I will gong the Gong of Fate. But firstly, a big welcome to our Challenger!!
[applause]
sophs, tells us, where did you come by these skills that have brought you here to the Academy?
And how do you feel about taking on one of Chairman Belisaga's finest: Iron Chef English Heritage?
How have you prepared for this Battle?
Posts: 13667 | From: Perth, W.A. | Registered: May 2001
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
Not the Gong of Fate. Please. Not without warning. After the excesses of the past few days I am feeling somewhat delicate, and need champagne.
The gong does look very sonorous and tintinnabulous in a very gong-like sort of way. Its bronze rotundity is positively disconcerting, as is the air of intolerable smugness it seems to radiate. No wonder people want to hit it.
(Opens bottle of champagne)
Ahhh, that's better. And who knows, it may even numb the pain I anticipate feeling on being presented with 12 dishes made with instant Yorkshire pudding.
Ariel
I'm sure the mystery ingredient will present a real challenge to our chefs. I look forward to seeing their ingenuity in action.
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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sophs
Sardonic Angel
# 2296
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Icarus Coot:
(Coot-san)
sophs, tells us, where did you come by these skills that have brought you here to the Academy?
And how do you feel about taking on one of Chairman Belisaga's finest: Iron Chef English Heritage?
How have you prepared for this Battle?
english cooking challanger
muttered under breath : iron chefs? iron chefs? i was meant to be on Richard and Judy! someone get me out of here now! ...... you can't? whaddya mean the cameras are rolling? i'm a student, my cooking skills stop at cheese on toast ........ just bluff it? well.....here goes nothing!
well, err, I came by the skills needed to compete her today at the ledgendary school run by Coram Fire, in Jordan College.
I feel confident in taking on the Iron chef because as a student I learnt all my cookery from simple, good plain english homecooking books.
And i have prepared for this battle by erm, by erm..... grabs bottle of vodka weeks of prayer and meditation with the UCCF chaplin at college.
quietly : dear God help me...i'm for it now...i need the number of the local chippy/pizza place/Indian ..... what? i have to cook it myself? proper food? not beans on toast or chips? oh sh.......
Posts: 5407 | From: searching saharas of sorrow | Registered: Feb 2002
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Amos
Shipmate
# 44
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Posted
Iron Chef English Heritage
What a sweet girl! Does it matter whether she learned to cook from Philip 'The Subtle Knife' Pullman or from 'Fifty-five meals to Cook on a Gas-ring'? Both are thoroughly within the English culinary tradition. Chin up, girl and stop quivering! You'll be reminding the audience that blancmange is really only congealed bridesmaid!
[Extracts a long, somewhat stained screed from apron pocket. It is the Grocery List. First to Ludlow for the meat. We are not so post-modern as to cook this feast for the lentil brigade. Florence White says that lamperns should be in season; game should be good--teal, perhaps? If I go into the derelict greenhouse, there will be new nettles coming up between the slabs. Hmm. Nettle soup? Creamed nettles? Oysters should be available, but dear. Hmm. Pigeons might make a good first course....seakale? blanched swede tops? Let me look in the cellar. And what about pudding? What about it? A fool is for summer--what about Carlisle Gaol Pudding? Lord John Russell's Pudding? Oh goodness--what about the soup? And what in the name of all that's edible am I to do with this ludicrous packet?
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At the end of the day we face our Maker alongside Jesus--ken
Posts: 7667 | From: Summerisle | Registered: May 2001
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sophs
Sardonic Angel
# 2296
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Amos:
Iron Chef English Heritage
What a sweet girl! Does it matter whether she learned to cook from Philip 'The Subtle Knife' Pullman or from 'Fifty-five meals to Cook on a Gas-ring'? [/i]
English Challenger
Well, you got the Jorden College reference, the Coram Fire refered to Coram Boy by Jamila Gavin and FireSong by William Nicholson. [ OOC - since my book shelves collapsed i have a window sill full of books that are my inspiration for many things]
And that is a sutible introduction to the commen that will run through all of the dishes I will prepare for this competition. They will all be based on the Culinary delights mentioned by English authors in various works of fantasy.
Also, all my dishes will be veggie.
Posts: 5407 | From: searching saharas of sorrow | Registered: Feb 2002
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John Donne
Renaissance Man
# 220
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Posted
(Coot-san)
Challenger looks... confident!
Now I shall gong the Gong of Fate.
.
[As before 3 days from gonging then Chef and Challenger will present their finished dishes to the critics]
Posts: 13667 | From: Perth, W.A. | Registered: May 2001
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