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Source: (consider it) Thread: Heaven: Anthropologist from Hell
RooK

1 of 6
# 1852

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Fortunately, I've come prepared.

(Rummages through container again, and produces another kitten. This one is quieter, and much less squirmy.)

I suspected that you might not appreciate the finer points of live art, and have thoughtfully prepared an alternative array of tofu-kittens. Sarky doesn't like them as much, because they tend to fall apart easier when speared. I've got quite a few in here, and am prepared to juggle them if it'll help make them seem more appealing. It seems to encourage Sarky to take a stab at them (and me).

They need more condiments, though. Lots more condiments.

Unless an exchange of artistic thought isn't possible, of course. Then we'll have to think of something else as a means of cultural exchange. Besides rishathra.

Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001  |  IP: Logged
jedijudy*

Jedi defender of ship's cats
# 1059

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Okay. Tofu kittens? You may keep them if you wish. (Do you eat tofu, and if so, do you always play with your food?)

The jedi gently dislodges the live kitten from the RooK.

Ahh! Live arts! We can help you and your friend Sarky with that. Music, sir! And nothing like that strange rishathra stuff. Here in heaven we offer a wide variety of musical programs. Indeed, we are overflowing with talented musicians. Perhaps that would be just the thing to "soothe the savage breast"? No! No, I'm certainly not calling you a savage, sir.

The jedi calms her mind and spirit in order to communicate verbally with the RooK creature and simultaneously send a mental message to the sensitive members of the heavenly lands. "Run! Run! I'm distracting these sav...um..."visitors", giving you the chance to hide!" You know me, I'd really rather not slice them up.

Mr. RooK, sir? You might want to consider fewer condiments, or perhaps ones with less salt and habaneros. Here, try some fresh parsley. I'll bet your friend Sarky would like that, too.

--------------------
ENFP...do you see a "T" anywhere??? I don't think so.

Posts: 3248 | From: Soon to be inhabiting identity # 333!!! | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
Alfred E. Neuman

What? Me worry?
# 6855

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;halt fluffyX.
;goto inf.loop ;suspend.


Interesting. Individual equipped with energy-tube has deflected my targeting laser. Evidence suggests that jedi has mistaken targeting device for main molecular battle disassembler. Attempting to engage humour circuits.

Halt on Memory Error; core dump advised;would you like to forward this error message to...CANCEL. ;reboot;goto autoexec.bat

Where was I...Oh, yes.

Interesting. The jedi considers my craft "antique". Indeed, the engineering integral to its operation represents a pinnacle of physical science, stabilized and formed several millennia before she was a twinkle in a metaclorian's eye. The very force that she claims is with her, powers this planet-destroying technology, the effects of which may yet be her fate.

The jedi seems to be defending this backwater domain with great resolve. Unusual. Will observe for awhile longer.

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Demas*
Shipmate
# 7147

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quote:
Originally posted by Gort:
The jedi considers my craft "antique".

If your software is written in BASIC on DOS you only have yourself to blame.

"goto autoexec.bat" indeed [Disappointed]

--------------------
Hamburger (note beetroot, pineapple, bacon and egg)

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Alfred E. Neuman

What? Me worry?
# 6855

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*ZZZZZTTTTT*

A short quick burst vaporizes the hapless creature's malfunctioning satire meter.

--------------------
--Formerly: Gort--

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Rat
Ship's Rat
# 3373

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A small, sleek and rather nondescript little creature comes slipping around the edge of the clearing, its tiny claws skittering on the forest floor. The kind of animal that might pop out of the undergrowth in any realm, but usually goes unnoticed by the larger inhabitants. Since this is a day with a y in it, its little mind is mainly occupied by the thought of food. 'Food, food, food, food, f-'

It is brought up short, nose twitching and whiskers akimbo. Something...unusual...is blocking its accustomed path. A massive paw shaped thing with claws much like the creature's own, except blacker, scarier, much, much bigger and...what is that extraordinary smell? In the back of its mind the creature notes some other feet in the vicinity - hooves that might belong to a cow, and some futuristic boots - but neither of those seem likely to result in food. But this here...well, it's amazing the unprepossessing things that sometimes turn out to taste good.

The creature reaches out for an experimental nip. Its tiny teeth are sharp as sharp knives, and its little mind can incline to viciousness if it thinks the prey won't bite back.

The massive claw shifts, and another waft of that strange smell surrounds the little creature. Abruptly, it changes its mind. Probably not food, then. Probably tastes nasty - yeah, that's it, in fact it never intended to bite that yucky looking claw at all. Is there a smell of tofu around here?

The tiny creature skitters off back into the undergrowth, unnoticed. 'Food, food, food, food...'

--------------------
It's a matter of food and available blood. If motherhood is sacred, put your money where your mouth is. Only then can you expect the coming down to the wrecked & shimmering earth of that miracle you sing about. [Margaret Atwood]

Posts: 5285 | From: A dour region for dour folk | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
Living in Gin

Liturgical Pyromaniac
# 2572

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The man known to his friends simply as "Gin" and his loyal sidekick Spong, traveling through the area by train, get off at the local stop to walk around a bit. Takes note of strange landscape and odd dialect. Notes that one creature looks vaguely familiar, possibly having briefly met in the lobby of a house of ill-repute back home. Decides not to investigate further when Spong senses this is not a safe place for him.

Gin finds his interest quickly waning. After building an architecturally noteworthy shrine to himself nearby, he gulps down a few White Castle sliders and washes it down with a couple of extra-dry Tanqueray martinis. He than takes Spong and staggers back to the station to await the next train to Chicago.


--------------------
It's all fun and games until somebody gets burned at the stake.

Posts: 1893 | From: Cincinnati, USA | Registered: Apr 2002  |  IP: Logged
Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012

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Ok, I've cleared a space on the ground, RooK.

But, I was thinking, perhaps these... creatures, are more into natural art? Drawing with burnt sticks, and using leaves and berries to make paint-like substances, perhaps?

I'm not sure that we can communicate directly with them, but possibly leaving them some pictures and gifts might encourage them to come closer?

(I don't recommend that we draw our home, though - it's very different to here, and might just scare the creatures.)

--------------------
“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”

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ChastMastr
Shipmate
# 716

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(Offers a comic book about a relative of Sarky's as a sort of peace offering. No forks, but she does have fangs...)

--------------------
My essays on comics continuity: http://chastmastr.tumblr.com/tagged/continuity

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Nicolemr
Shipmate
# 28

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the pilgrim wanders in, glances at the comic book pages, and immediatly morphs into other form of Librarian.

oh migawd, chast, its from howard the duck! waugh! i remember the original issue!!!

--------------------
On pilgrimage in the endless realms of Cyberia, currently traveling by ship. Now with live journal!

Posts: 11803 | From: New York City "The City Carries On" | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
saysay

Ship's Praying Mantis
# 6645

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saysay wanders off to fetch hot dogs and beer, as this seems to have turned into quite the party. It looks like the intruders, er, guests, are going to perform for the natives. And they brought the condiments. Which was a bit presumptuous of them, really, but whatever.

--------------------
"It's been a long day without you, my friend
I'll tell you all about it when I see you again"
"'Oh sweet baby purple Jesus' - that's a direct quote from a 9 year old - shoutout to purple Jesus."

Posts: 2943 | From: The Wire | Registered: May 2004  |  IP: Logged
saysay

Ship's Praying Mantis
# 6645

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saysay returns with refreshments and sets them up on the picnic table.

She suffers a brief panic attack as she realizes that the ship's True Queen, He who she strives to emulate (forever falling short of His glory) would not approve of such low-rent refreshments.

She contemplates asking Him what to do, but doubts He would condescend to speak with her.


--------------------
"It's been a long day without you, my friend
I'll tell you all about it when I see you again"
"'Oh sweet baby purple Jesus' - that's a direct quote from a 9 year old - shoutout to purple Jesus."

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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Bunny leans on axe handle, blatantly evesdropping on RooK and Sark from behind a tree.

Ah, you crazy kids. What do you plan to do to 'em once you lure them in?

--------------------
I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

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Grits
Compassionate fundamentalist
# 4169

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Hmmm... I wouldn't mind a nibble of tofu-kitten, myself. Just to see what it tastes like, you understand, with a sprinkle of cayenne pepper...

--------------------
Lord, fill my mouth with worthwhile stuff, and shut it when I've said enough. Amen.

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Scot

Deck hand
# 2095

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I expect that it tastes like tofu chicken.

--------------------
“Here, we are not afraid to follow truth wherever it may lead, nor tolerate any error so long as reason is left free to combat it.” - Thomas Jefferson

Posts: 9515 | From: Southern California | Registered: Jan 2002  |  IP: Logged
Grits
Compassionate fundamentalist
# 4169

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Yep. Parts is parts.

--------------------
Lord, fill my mouth with worthwhile stuff, and shut it when I've said enough. Amen.

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Tortuf
Ship's fisherman
# 3784

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Ahem.
Posts: 6963 | From: The Venice of the South | Registered: Dec 2002  |  IP: Logged
RooK

1 of 6
# 1852

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And now, for some cultural exchange.

(Cue's hovering spacecraft to direct a spotlight on the event, and to start playing appropriately lilting tones over its loudspeakers.)

All right, first I'll just get myself an array of tofu kittens, dipping each one in a different brightly-coloured condiment, like so...

(Dunks each jiggly kitten-shaped edible brush into bowls of bright yellow mustard, or light red catsup, or ruddy barbeque sauce, or dark creole spices, or greenish curry. Then tosses each kitten up in a graceful arc, until they are all part of a spectacular juggling array, all flinging colourfully about in time with the music.)

All right, now my lovely assistant Ms. Sarkycow will hold up a large blank panel... like so. And now, bunnys and boys, a tribute to our shared history...!

(The kittens, while still being juggled, are alternately bounced off the panel. They bump against the panel, leaving a colourful and interestingly-shaped blot, then bounce back into the complex juggling pattern. The sound of the kittens thumping against the board beats a drum line adding new texture to the accompaniment. Slowly the, the individual blots start to pile up into recognizable shapes, until they form a remarkable image of a large ship cresting over turbulent seas, complete with a portrait of Simon Jenkins smiling benevolently from the wheelhouse.)

Thup thup thup thup thup... thup thup thupplSHPAT!

(The kittens are all caught, except that one comes apart from all the stress at the very end, splattering part of its faux-anatomy on the ground - revealing a startling-green interior.)

Green? Ooops. That's not tofu. These are Soylent Green kittens.

Sorry about that, Grits.

Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001  |  IP: Logged
Grits
Compassionate fundamentalist
# 4169

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Oh, well, that's just great. For once, I decide to get outside my culinary comfort zone and try a little kitten, but, noooooooooo... the brilliant young anthropologist ends up trying to feed me people.

--------------------
Lord, fill my mouth with worthwhile stuff, and shut it when I've said enough. Amen.

Posts: 8419 | From: Nashville, TN | Registered: Feb 2003  |  IP: Logged
jedijudy*

Jedi defender of ship's cats
# 1059

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The jedi came near to believing that the bovine creature and the chess piece might start to "play nice". Just when she thought she might be able to let these little ones happily play with their food, the gruesome truth is revealed.

Soylent Green kittens, not even Darth Vader dared such an evil deed. Where is the hive of scum and villainy that is home to the ogres which have created such a monstrous defiling of life (or death)? Doubtless it is the same ill-conceived country which begat you two uninvited visitors.

The art was fine...reminded me of those elephant paintings made a bit east of here, but, come on! Soylent Green is just so-o-o disgusting. We've got some really good restaurants around here. Would you care for some Italian?

The jedi tries to herd the visitors toward the path that leads to several nice eating establishments. Meanwhile, she almost tosses her cookies just thinking about the SG kitten.

--------------------
ENFP...do you see a "T" anywhere??? I don't think so.

Posts: 3248 | From: Soon to be inhabiting identity # 333!!! | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
Grits
Compassionate fundamentalist
# 4169

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OOOooohhh... cookies!

--------------------
Lord, fill my mouth with worthwhile stuff, and shut it when I've said enough. Amen.

Posts: 8419 | From: Nashville, TN | Registered: Feb 2003  |  IP: Logged
KenWritez
Shipmate
# 3238

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Hmmmmmmm... I smell food! What's there to eat around here?

--------------------
"The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd." --Quentin Tarantino, Pulp Fiction

My blog: http://oxygenofgrace.blogspot.com

Posts: 11102 | From: Left coast of Wonderland, by the rabbit hole | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged
Tortuf
Ship's fisherman
# 3784

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Fruitcake.
Posts: 6963 | From: The Venice of the South | Registered: Dec 2002  |  IP: Logged
Grits
Compassionate fundamentalist
# 4169

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Hey! I recognize that fruitcake.

--------------------
Lord, fill my mouth with worthwhile stuff, and shut it when I've said enough. Amen.

Posts: 8419 | From: Nashville, TN | Registered: Feb 2003  |  IP: Logged
Alfred E. Neuman

What? Me worry?
# 6855

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The ship morphs into a glittering disco ball and showers the happy campers with dancing beams of light.

Everyone clasps hands and begin to dance in a joyful circle to the lilting tune of "It's a Small World After All!"

--------------------
--Formerly: Gort--

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KenWritez
Shipmate
# 3238

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Hey, that thing walking around with the notebook looks like it might be good. Let's go have a taste....

--------------------
"The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd." --Quentin Tarantino, Pulp Fiction

My blog: http://oxygenofgrace.blogspot.com

Posts: 11102 | From: Left coast of Wonderland, by the rabbit hole | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged
jedijudy*

Jedi defender of ship's cats
# 1059

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The jedi waves her hand in front of KenWritez' face...

You must not eat the visitors.

The Sarky and the RooK probably thought they were coming to a safe place. [Disappointed]

--------------------
ENFP...do you see a "T" anywhere??? I don't think so.

Posts: 3248 | From: Soon to be inhabiting identity # 333!!! | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
RooK

1 of 6
# 1852

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(Notices condiments smeared over hands, and hastily wipes them off.)

It may be a good thing that I have terrible taste.

Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001  |  IP: Logged
Campbellite

Ut unum sint
# 1202

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Campbellite fingers the handle on his fireplace poker.

Well clearly you have terrible taste, RooK. Everyone knows that you serve barbecue kitten (even the tofu versions) with cole slaw. How could you forget the cole slaw?

Campbellite keeps one eye on the jedi, and another on the kitty hiding in the bushes.

--------------------
I upped mine. Up yours.
Suffering for Jesus since 1966.
WTFWED?

Posts: 12001 | From: between keyboard and chair | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
sophs

Sardonic Angel
# 2296

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sophs looks in the direction that Campbellite keeps glancing in and spies the kitten. She then picks it up and moves it out of harms way

Mean person [Razz]

Posts: 5407 | From: searching saharas of sorrow | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged
Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012

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Sarkycow waits to see what the natives do with the picture.

So, RooK, whaddya reckon? Is Simon a creator god to the natives? Or a myth that they frighten their youngsters with? Or what?

Actually, come to think of it, does this society have a juvenile form? I haven't spotted any youngsters. Or any leaders/alphas. The Jedi could fit into the care-giver category however...

--------------------
“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”

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KenWritez
Shipmate
# 3238

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KenWritez thoughtfully chews on jedi's hand which she foolishly stuck in his face.

Hmmmm....

<Spits it out>

Ick. Tastes like tofu. I'm walking over to try a bite of that walking-around, looking-around thing....

--------------------
"The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd." --Quentin Tarantino, Pulp Fiction

My blog: http://oxygenofgrace.blogspot.com

Posts: 11102 | From: Left coast of Wonderland, by the rabbit hole | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged
LeRoc

Famous Dutch pirate
# 3216

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I wonder what would happen if Rook or Ken actually ate one of the creatures that dwell here.

I suppose that the creature would die and go to... well, heaven.

--------------------
I know why God made the rhinoceros, it's because He couldn't see the rhinoceros, so He made the rhinoceros to be able to see it. (Clarice Lispector)

Posts: 9474 | From: Brazil / Africa | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged
jedijudy*

Jedi defender of ship's cats
# 1059

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Naughty, naughty KenWritez and Campbellite.

The jedi wipes the slobber off her hand and wonders for the thirty-second time why in the world she always gets the job of taking care of the toddlers. They are so cute, but it would be great to hang out with adults from time to time. She pats sophs on the head in gratitude for looking after the RooK's kitten. Darling girl.

*yawn* Well, RooK and Sarky, I think my brood and I should all wander off to our beds so you nice people can go home. We must do this again sometime.

--------------------
ENFP...do you see a "T" anywhere??? I don't think so.

Posts: 3248 | From: Soon to be inhabiting identity # 333!!! | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
Timothy the Obscure

Mostly Friendly
# 292

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Timothy walks up and takes a morsel of barbecued tofukitten, sits down on a rock and pops the cork on a bottle of Elk Cove 2003 Pinot Gris. Tastes the barbecue, sips the wine.... No, it clashes with the wine...too much vinegar in the sauce. These creatures really don't have much to offer...the kindest thing to do would be to return them to their natural habitat...

--------------------
When you think of the long and gloomy history of man, you will find more hideous crimes have been committed in the name of obedience than have ever been committed in the name of rebellion.
  - C. P. Snow

Posts: 6114 | From: PDX | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Campbellite

Ut unum sint
# 1202

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Timothy,
The problem isn't the wine. The problem is that you are using the wrong BBQ sauce.

This is what you need.

They will ship it anywhere in the world!

--------------------
I upped mine. Up yours.
Suffering for Jesus since 1966.
WTFWED?

Posts: 12001 | From: between keyboard and chair | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
The Bede's American Successor

Curmudgeon-in-Training
# 5042

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quote:
Originally posted by Gort:
The ship morphs into a glittering disco ball and showers the happy campers with dancing beams of light.

Everyone clasps hands and begin to dance in a joyful circle to the lilting tune of "It's a Small World After All!"

Watching "Southpark" again, Uncle?

--------------------
This was the iniquity of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters had pride of wealth and food in plenty, comfort and ease, and yet she never helped the poor and the wretched.

—Ezekiel 16.49

Posts: 6079 | From: The banks of Possession Sound | Registered: Oct 2003  |  IP: Logged
Alfred E. Neuman

What? Me worry?
# 6855

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No. I've only basic cable. You know..local channels plus 9 shopping networks. This is the only entertainment I have. I try to fit in..but it doesn't always work well.

--------------------
--Formerly: Gort--

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ONUnicorn
Shipmate
# 7331

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quote:
These are Soylent Green kittens.
But, but, but...

TUESDAY is Soylent Green day!!! It isn't Tuesday!!!!

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"A pig's snout is NOT an electrical outlet."

Posts: 637 | From: Indianapolis, IN | Registered: Jun 2004  |  IP: Logged
saysay

Ship's Praying Mantis
# 6645

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quote:
Originally posted by LeRoc:
I wonder what would happen if Rook or Ken actually ate one of the creatures that dwell here.

I suppose that the creature would die and go to... well, heaven.

Speak for yourself. If RooK kills me, I'm pretty sure it'll be because he thinks it'd be funny to watch Sarky poking at me with her fork down below.

And I've never seen RooK juggle in Hell.

saysay roasts a hot dog over the fire, steals some BBQ sauce from the guests, and admires the painting.

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"It's been a long day without you, my friend
I'll tell you all about it when I see you again"
"'Oh sweet baby purple Jesus' - that's a direct quote from a 9 year old - shoutout to purple Jesus."

Posts: 2943 | From: The Wire | Registered: May 2004  |  IP: Logged
Campbellite

Ut unum sint
# 1202

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Careful with the BBQ sauce, saysay. A little of that goes a long way.

It almost makes the tofu kitties edible.

[more carp spelling]

[ 21. February 2005, 18:59: Message edited by: Campbellite ]

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I upped mine. Up yours.
Suffering for Jesus since 1966.
WTFWED?

Posts: 12001 | From: between keyboard and chair | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
jedijudy*

Jedi defender of ship's cats
# 1059

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Dear and Reverend Sir, my friend Campbellite, why in the world did I never think to offer you tofu kittens before? RooK is brilliant!!!

...jj passes Campbellite a platter of barbeque tofu cat with a side of special sauce and baked beans, cole slaw and grits...

(Oh, no! Food and cats! Are we in trouble with the hosts and admins???)

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ENFP...do you see a "T" anywhere??? I don't think so.

Posts: 3248 | From: Soon to be inhabiting identity # 333!!! | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
Campbellite

Ut unum sint
# 1202

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quote:
Originally posted by jedijudy:
...jj passes Campbellite a platter of barbeque tofu cat with a side of special sauce and baked beans, cole slaw and grits...

Grits??? [Eek!]

Is this going to become another cannibalism thread? [Paranoid]

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I upped mine. Up yours.
Suffering for Jesus since 1966.
WTFWED?

Posts: 12001 | From: between keyboard and chair | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
ONUnicorn
Shipmate
# 7331

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quote:
Is this going to become another cannibalism thread?
We've already mentioned Soylent Green... and it's tuesday now!!! TUESDAY IS SOYLENT GREEN DAY!!!

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"A pig's snout is NOT an electrical outlet."

Posts: 637 | From: Indianapolis, IN | Registered: Jun 2004  |  IP: Logged
snowgoose

Silly goose
# 4394

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In that case, I'd best make some more tea.
Posts: 3868 | From: Tidewater Virginia | Registered: Apr 2003  |  IP: Logged
ChastMastr
Shipmate
# 716

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quote:
Originally posted by Gort:
The ship morphs into a glittering disco ball and showers the happy campers with dancing beams of light.

Everyone clasps hands and begin to dance in a joyful circle to the lilting tune of "It's a Small World After All!"

Startlingly, I just posted to a leather-related discussion group today about the disco version of that very song, without having read this post.

I just thought you all should know.

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My essays on comics continuity: http://chastmastr.tumblr.com/tagged/continuity

Posts: 14068 | From: Clearwater, Florida | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
ChastMastr
Shipmate
# 716

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Yes, really and truly.

David
also loves the ride. Be afraid, be very afraid...

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My essays on comics continuity: http://chastmastr.tumblr.com/tagged/continuity

Posts: 14068 | From: Clearwater, Florida | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
RooK

1 of 6
# 1852

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(Flips open Original Star Trek communicator.)

Mr. Gort? One to beam up. Our mission here is complete.

Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001  |  IP: Logged
ChastMastr
Shipmate
# 716

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(hopes people will click on the link and then on the streaming media sample of said song further down...) [Two face]

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My essays on comics continuity: http://chastmastr.tumblr.com/tagged/continuity

Posts: 14068 | From: Clearwater, Florida | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
Campbellite

Ut unum sint
# 1202

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David, you are not a well man.

--------------------
I upped mine. Up yours.
Suffering for Jesus since 1966.
WTFWED?

Posts: 12001 | From: between keyboard and chair | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged



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