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Source: (consider it) Thread: Heaven: Dear Sine...
Sine Nomine*

Ship's backstabbing bastard
# 3631

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I think Rat is on the right track. Even if patches of skin aren't falling off into the soup you obviously look revolting, regardless of how much the chic little outfit cost. Is it possible to get an attractive jacket to wear with the dress? Perhaps something light and sparkly and summery? Or the cardigan suggested by Rat?

Another alternative, and one to which I have actually had recourse before is to get a massage the afternoon of the party and have the therapist rub off all the loose skin possible and oil you up well. Not much fun for him/her but that's what they're getting paid for, after all*. Then apply some self-tanning lotion to try to even out the skin tones a bit.

Of course you could just admit defeat and take one of those hand-carved backscratchers to the party and sit there absent-mindedly scratching the dead skin off as if it were perfectly normal behavior on your part, but I wouldn't really recommend it. As for staying home, if you do that the chic outfit is for naught anyway and who knows what your other half will be up to without your eagle eye upon him. Best not to risk it.

(*Probably better if you have a regular massage therapist here rather than just walking in off the street. Of course the stress of life being what it is, everyone should have a regular massage therapist anyway. I certainly do. Charming man. And those magic fingers. Bliss.)

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Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012

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Suze, I recommend you get yourself a chic little bolero. I'd suggest a complementary colour, as that will break up your outfit, and make it look as if the jacket is part of the outfit, not a last minute add-on [Biased]

Or try a stole, for a similar effect. Problem with a stole is that you generally have to keep hold of them, or remove them...

Sarkycow

--------------------
“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”

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KenWritez
Shipmate
# 3238

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The Bovinator is of like mind with me. Get yourself a stole, shawl or some kind of largish but stylish wrap to cover your shoulders and back. (I vote for simple black.) Put it on and bolt it to your body if you must, but do not surrender it.

--------------------
"The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd." --Quentin Tarantino, Pulp Fiction

My blog: http://oxygenofgrace.blogspot.com

Posts: 11102 | From: Left coast of Wonderland, by the rabbit hole | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged
Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012

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Depends what colour the dress is. If the dress is pale, then black will over-balance you. If you dress is black, then a black top is too much of a good thing.

Pick an appropriate colour, that works well with the dress [Biased]

--------------------
“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”

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cocktailgirl

mixer of the drinks
# 8684

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Yep. Get a pashmina or something. It worked for me when I had an amazing big bruise on my upper arm, not one of whose many hues matched my posh frock. A pashmina is big enough to stay in place while you're eating, and if there's dancing, you can tie it together at the back. Won't help much if your dress is low cut though. Maybe a burka? [Razz]
Posts: 841 | From: in hac lacrimarum valle, propping up the bar | Registered: Oct 2004  |  IP: Logged
Suze

Ship's Barmaid
# 5639

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Thanks all for your invaluable advice - think I'm going to go for a combination of pashmina/wrap type thing - the dress is in shades of bluey/green so something in that scheme should be OK - and the whole massage/self tan thing, not least because it'll do my poor abused skin some good to get some TLC.

I did, briefly, consider the backscratcher but I couldn't use one of them and pick my toes at the same time (did I mention the athlete's foot problem I've be struggling with.....) [Two face]

I'm sure the night will be a great success, thanks to my shipmates timely advice.

[trying to spell is also a struggle just now - doh!)

[ 01. July 2005, 16:29: Message edited by: Suze ]

--------------------
' You stay here and I'll go look for God, that won't be hard cos I know where he's not, and I will bring him back with me , then he'll listen , then he'll see' Richard Shindell

Posts: 2603 | From: where the angels sleep | Registered: Mar 2004  |  IP: Logged
birdie

fowl
# 2173

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Those little shrug things seem to be all the rage at the moment too, although they might not cover up enough skin for your liking under the circumstances.

b

[cross-posted]

[ 01. July 2005, 16:33: Message edited by: birdie ]

--------------------
"Gentlemen, I wash my hands of this weirdness."
Captain Jack Sparrow

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cocktailgirl

mixer of the drinks
# 8684

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quote:
Originally posted by Suze:
I did, briefly, consider the backscratcher but I couldn't use one of them and pick my toes at the same time (did I mention the athlete's foot problem I've be struggling with.....) [Two face]

Will there be any of you left by the time the big night happens?!
Posts: 841 | From: in hac lacrimarum valle, propping up the bar | Registered: Oct 2004  |  IP: Logged
Ann

Curious
# 94

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You don't want anyone to ask why you're chanting, "He loves me, he loves me not ..."

--------------------
Ann

Posts: 3271 | From: IO 91 PI | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Suze

Ship's Barmaid
# 5639

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[Killing me]

--------------------
' You stay here and I'll go look for God, that won't be hard cos I know where he's not, and I will bring him back with me , then he'll listen , then he'll see' Richard Shindell

Posts: 2603 | From: where the angels sleep | Registered: Mar 2004  |  IP: Logged
luvanddaisies

the'fun'in'fundie'™
# 5761

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Dear Sine;

have you retired?

--------------------
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." (Mark Twain)

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Sine Nomine*

Ship's backstabbing bastard
# 3631

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Apparently all problems were solved and we now live in the best of all possible worlds.
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Grits
Compassionate fundamentalist
# 4169

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I like your new sig, but I think it's safe to say that none of us are as nasty as Goodric.

--------------------
Lord, fill my mouth with worthwhile stuff, and shut it when I've said enough. Amen.

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Tortuf
Ship's fisherman
# 3784

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I have a question.

Is it better to wear green while fishing in the South Harpeth, or a khaki color? I'm going fishing tomorrow and I don't want to be outré.

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Sine Nomine*

Ship's backstabbing bastard
# 3631

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Just wear your usual camouflage outfit and you'll go with everything. Do not, however, wear your baseball cap backwards. That's so yesterday.
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Goodric

Shipmate
# 8001

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quote:
Originally posted by Grits:
I like your new sig, but I think it's safe to say that none of us are as nasty as Goodric.

Dear Uncle Sine,

I seem to have unfortunately accrued a reputation for being really, really, really nasty. It is quite clear that everyone is scared out of their wits of me and I am hated by most Shipmates for my evil posts. Even YOU say you are not as nasty as I am and you are apparantly happy to be associated with any place in the world, save, dear olde Buxton Spa - a most beautiful and cultured place. A town "You all know anyway" I am somewhat associated with.

Therefore could you please, kindly advise, if there is anything I can do to remedy this situation. I have almost been a year on The Ship, a meagre passage of time for a tyrant and I hate to think how my world wide reputation will continue to decline. I fear my infamy for nastyness of a brutal and unsubtle nature may spread beyond the Ship so that I am held to be an even greater pariah than Saddam Hussain, Osama Bin-Laden, Joseph Stalin or Adolph Hitler.

Is there anything I can do?

Yours, in ever increasing circles of nastyness and tear sodden handkerchiefs.

Goodric.

--------------------
Happy Christmas Everyone You can find me here

Gone to a better place.

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Sine Nomine*

Ship's backstabbing bastard
# 3631

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Dear Goodric,

It is obvious you suffer from that old-fashioned complaint an excess of bile. It is endemic among CofE clergy trapped in parishes that do not offer Alpha courses.

Old-fashioned complaints require old-fashioned cures. Eat more plums. That will clear out your system and get those bile ducts working properly again.

If this doesn't work you might petition the administrators for a name change and start over. Perhaps you could consider "Pyx_e_Jr".

[ 16. July 2005, 11:08: Message edited by: Sine Nomine ]

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Corpus cani

Ship's Anachronism
# 1663

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Dear Uncle Sine,

Sadly, we all have the potential for evil - suggesting that Goodric attend an Alpha course strikes me as a good way of unleashing his true evil. Not wise. [Disappointed]

Goodric isn't really nasty - he's actually a real cutie but he thinks he's nasty and some people on board have seen fit to encourage this delusion.

Witness his lovely PMs or the good, generous and kind defence he has attempted of 103 on these boards: he is sweet and holy man, brimming o'erful with charity and spiritual efficacy.

Let me know if you ever find yourself on the right side of the pond, dUS, and together we can Mystery Worship the church in a certain Midlands Spa town and see Goodric in the true light of his radiant holiness, for it will truly be the closest either of us gets to Jesus of Nazareth.

Corpus

--------------------
Bishop Lord Corpus Cani the Tremulous of Buzzing St Helens.

Posts: 4435 | From: Trumpton | Registered: Nov 2001  |  IP: Logged
Corpus cani

Ship's Anachronism
# 1663

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Dear Uncle Sine,

I think I've developed a teenage crush on a famously grumpy clergyman at a Midlands Spa town. It's disturbing since (a)I can't remember how long it is since I was a teenager and (b)the clergyman in question is one of the nastiest parsons in this fair realm (Grr) but I feel the need to defend him publicly.

What should I do?

Corpus

--------------------
Bishop Lord Corpus Cani the Tremulous of Buzzing St Helens.

Posts: 4435 | From: Trumpton | Registered: Nov 2001  |  IP: Logged
Sine Nomine*

Ship's backstabbing bastard
# 3631

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While there is nothing wrong with feelings per se, we should not necessarily act on all of them. That would make you a sociopath and mother wouldn't like that, now would she?
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Goodric

Shipmate
# 8001

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Dear Uncle Sine

I'm afraid your last piece of advice may have been a little flawed. I have been running Alpha courses for about eight years now. Admittedly when I speak I'm not quite so smooth as Mr Gumbel on his videos and there seems to be a lack of nubile younbg women in the audience gazing in awe at me. (Perhaps Corpus could supply a few of those?) Nevertheless I run Alpha courses and our parish is now on its third series. Therefore would I be correct in assuming that because of this the "bile" is less of an issue than you might have thought at first.

I must admit I find it somewhat amusing that you could have thought I would not have run Alpha courses. I thought I was typical Alpha fodder - are not most Alphartised clergy like me?

I also have another problem that I wish to share with you. This is one that has just come to light. There is someone on the Ship who fancies me like mad. I don't know what to do about this bewcause even though he is clearly very "nice" and his judgements are usually perfect in everything, I am already a marred, sorry married man?

Furthermore I fear for his safety and mine. Should Mrs Goodric ever find out there was even a hint of scandal, my head would be found the next Sunday, by the congregation, impaled on the processional cross as an example to all and if she ever tracked down my admirer, his entrails would be employed as elastication in her not inconsiderable wardrobe of ladies bloomers.

To add to this is the strange issue is Callan, who I was absolutely convinced, from his posting style was female, but who recently revealed himself to us all as being a male, but also with a female Sex I D according to the BBC. (If the BBC say so, then it MUST be right). How am I supposed to know who tyo fancy in this place?

So Uncle Sine I still have this besetting problem of nastyness and my woes on the ship seem to be multiplying through having attracted someone through my subtle charms.

Yours with a finger firmly on the monitor switch and an ear to the door.

Goodric

[ 16. July 2005, 21:45: Message edited by: Goodric ]

--------------------
Happy Christmas Everyone You can find me here

Gone to a better place.

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Sine Nomine*

Ship's backstabbing bastard
# 3631

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You boys need to get a room and thrash (as it were) things out for yourselves. There's nothing that good, open communication can't resolve as I'm sure you know from all your Alpha courses.

We certainly don't want a hostly reminder that the dating thread was closed for a reason.

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Amos

Shipmate
# 44

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Do you think Corpus's signature might give us a hint of what's going on here?

--------------------
At the end of the day we face our Maker alongside Jesus--ken

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Revelle

Ship's Bassist for Hire
# 8554

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Dear Sine:

This may seem out of left field, but oh well. You see I have a rather close friend (female) who I am getting very attracted to. Now we are the best of friends, and i was wondering how one would go about this. I know you should tread carefully as the save the relationship...but I really do like her allot.

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"We need our Bible Belt to hold up our Truth Trousers." -Grits

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Sine Nomine*

Ship's backstabbing bastard
# 3631

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quote:
Originally posted by Revelle:
Now we are the best of friends, and i was wondering how one would go about this.

That's simple. You're honest with her about your feelings but don't try to control the outcome and accept her answer even if it's not what you wanted to hear.

Simple, but not easy. I've been there. Fairly recently in fact. I didn't get the answer I wanted but since I was honest we're still friends.

Try it.

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tomb
Shipmate
# 174

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{sigh}

The last time we had an Agony Aunt on the Ship of Fools, it was Miss Monica, who was into solving Problems by tying them up and disciplining them with whips and chains.

And now we have... Sine.

Standards are slipping. Everyone is becoming so Republican.

Posts: 5039 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Sir Kevin
Ship's Gaffer
# 3492

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Tell us more about Miss Monica... [Snigger]

--------------------
If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.

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Emma Louise

Storm in a teapot
# 3571

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ohh i missed out on miss discipline?! shucks.
Posts: 12719 | From: Enid Blyton territory. | Registered: Nov 2002  |  IP: Logged
Advocatus Diaboli
Ship's cannon
# 5172

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And Miss Demeanour. Now there was a lady to turn a Ship.

--------------------
Shipmate formerly known as lazystudent

The only way of catching a train, I have discovered, is to miss the train before. (G.K.C.)

Posts: 576 | From: Katholieke Universiteit Leuven | Registered: Nov 2003  |  IP: Logged
tomb
Shipmate
# 174

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All y'all have far too high SoF membership numbers to remember Miss Monica, and I'm not feeling anywhere grizzled enough to sit in the proverbial Ship's rocking chair and regale whippersnappers with "I remember when."
Posts: 5039 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Emma Louise

Storm in a teapot
# 3571

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awwwww......
Posts: 12719 | From: Enid Blyton territory. | Registered: Nov 2002  |  IP: Logged
Sine Nomine*

Ship's backstabbing bastard
# 3631

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Special to "Anonymous in Western State":

Ditch the tail. Young hair and old face don't work well in close proximity.

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babybear
Bear faced and cheeky with it
# 34

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Whippersnappers can go read for themselves.

Ask Miss Monica

Shipmates might like to read the answer to Wood's question on how to feed a moose.

Posts: 13287 | From: Cottage of the 3 Bears (and The Gremlin) | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Gill H

Shipmate
# 68

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Sven was never really the same after I baptised him in a mug of tea, was he?

(Wonders if there is any Sven/Miss Monica slash fiction out there, remembers this is Heaven and shuffles off shamefaced ...)

--------------------
*sigh* We can’t all be Alan Cresswell.

- Lyda Rose

Posts: 9313 | From: London | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
tomb
Shipmate
# 174

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quote:
Originally posted by babybear:
Whippersnappers can go read for themselves.

Ask Miss Monica

Shipmates might like to read the answer to Wood's question on how to feed a moose.

Dammit, BB, I was waiting until people begged me for more information. Partypooper.
Posts: 5039 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
babybear
Bear faced and cheeky with it
# 34

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Sorry honey. I mistook you for a man of integrity. I forgot your humble beginings with Miss Monica, the wrist restaints and the whips.
Posts: 13287 | From: Cottage of the 3 Bears (and The Gremlin) | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Grits
Compassionate fundamentalist
# 4169

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Dear Sine:

Well, I finally broke down and bought those linen pants you said I couldn't do without. And I finally wore them this weekend. I have to admit, I do love them.

Here's my question: Are they really dry clean only? I mean, I have no problem with dry cleaning, but I have found that some things actually do better (and get cleaner) if I wash them at home.

They are lined. What do you think?

Wrinkled but stylish,
Ms. Grits

--------------------
Lord, fill my mouth with worthwhile stuff, and shut it when I've said enough. Amen.

Posts: 8419 | From: Nashville, TN | Registered: Feb 2003  |  IP: Logged
RuthW

liberal "peace first" hankie squeezer
# 13

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quote:
Originally posted by Grits:
Well, I finally broke down and bought those linen pants you said I couldn't do without.

Life is better with linen. It just is.
Posts: 24453 | From: La La Land | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
Corpus cani

Ship's Anachronism
# 1663

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Dear Uncle Sine,

I have climbed the greasy pole and spend much of my time as #2 in School dealing with the whims and caprices of the Headmaster, the Governors, m'colleagues and the parents. I like to think I handle them all with diplomacy and sapient skill.

It has recently come to my notice that, in a certain quarter of Trumptonshire society, I am popularly known (behind my back) as "Humphrey" (as in Sir Humphrey Appleby of Yes Minister fame. .)

Should I be touched and proud, or mortified and offended?

Corpus

--------------------
Bishop Lord Corpus Cani the Tremulous of Buzzing St Helens.

Posts: 4435 | From: Trumpton | Registered: Nov 2001  |  IP: Logged
KenWritez
Shipmate
# 3238

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Dogsbody, I'm a big fan of the show and IMHO it's a helluva compliment.

Even if it's not.

--------------------
"The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd." --Quentin Tarantino, Pulp Fiction

My blog: http://oxygenofgrace.blogspot.com

Posts: 11102 | From: Left coast of Wonderland, by the rabbit hole | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged
Sine Nomine*

Ship's backstabbing bastard
# 3631

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quote:
Originally posted by Grits:
Well, I finally broke down and bought those linen pants you said I couldn't do without.

Here's my question: Are they really dry clean only?

Do what you like, but I ain't putting my new lined linen Ralph Lauren blazer (1/3rd off at Dillards) in the Maytag. Not even on cold water wash.

In my experience only heartbreak comes to those who ignore those little care tags. I used to have a knit shirt that said "for best results, dry clean". It turned out it meant "you'll be really, really sorry if you put it in the washer."

But sometimes I think God gave us free will so He could snicker at some of our choices.

(I must say, lined linen slacks seem like something of an oxymoron.)

BTW, chocolate-brown is the must-have color for this coming fall - paired with navy blue.

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Sine Nomine*

Ship's backstabbing bastard
# 3631

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quote:
Originally posted by Corpus cani:
Should I be touched and proud, or mortified and offended?

How about 'relieved and grateful' considering what else they could be calling you behind your back.
Posts: 10696 | Registered: Dec 2002  |  IP: Logged
Sine Nomine*

Ship's backstabbing bastard
# 3631

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quote:
Originally posted by Corpus cani:
I have climbed the greasy pole

BTW, is this anything like 'spanking the monkey'? I try to keep my slang current.
Posts: 10696 | Registered: Dec 2002  |  IP: Logged
Grits
Compassionate fundamentalist
# 4169

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I've missed the dry cleaning run for this morning, but I'll get them out tomorrow.
quote:
(I must say, lined linen slacks seem like something of an oxymoron.)
Well, they're that nice vanilla-y linen color and, with this weave, they'd be quite transparent without a lining.

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Lord, fill my mouth with worthwhile stuff, and shut it when I've said enough. Amen.

Posts: 8419 | From: Nashville, TN | Registered: Feb 2003  |  IP: Logged
Corpus cani

Ship's Anachronism
# 1663

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quote:
Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
quote:
Originally posted by Corpus cani:
I have climbed the greasy pole

BTW, is this anything like 'spanking the monkey'? I try to keep my slang current.
I don't think so, but simian-slapping is hardly my field. [Eek!]

Corpus

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Bishop Lord Corpus Cani the Tremulous of Buzzing St Helens.

Posts: 4435 | From: Trumpton | Registered: Nov 2001  |  IP: Logged
KenWritez
Shipmate
# 3238

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Sine, I have an important but not terribly urgent question for you.

Thanksgiving approaches and the Sturdy Wench and I will be having my family up for the day to our newly remodeled house.

One of my brothers is a nit-picker. "Why'd you do it that way?" or "You should have waited to do so-and-so." This, of course, all comes under the guise of offering "helpful advice."

I am tempted to rudely tell him where he can insert his "helpful advice" if he trots it out, but what would you suggest for a more socially acceptable form of dealing with this?

--------------------
"The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd." --Quentin Tarantino, Pulp Fiction

My blog: http://oxygenofgrace.blogspot.com

Posts: 11102 | From: Left coast of Wonderland, by the rabbit hole | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged
Anna B
Shipmate
# 1439

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quote:
Originally posted by KenWritez:
Thanksgiving approaches

[Eek!]

And I thought my brother made me crazy...

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Bad Christian (TM)

Posts: 3069 | From: near a lot of fish | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
Rat
Ship's Rat
# 3373

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quote:
Originally posted by KenWritez:
I am tempted to rudely tell him where he can insert his "helpful advice" if he trots it out, but what would you suggest for a more socially acceptable form of dealing with this?

I find silent seething followed by talking maliciously about them once they've gone usually works for me.

But I'll await with interest Sine's better solution.

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It's a matter of food and available blood. If motherhood is sacred, put your money where your mouth is. Only then can you expect the coming down to the wrecked & shimmering earth of that miracle you sing about. [Margaret Atwood]

Posts: 5285 | From: A dour region for dour folk | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32

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Judith Martin mentions two tactics:

  • Play dumb/feign interest: "How would you do it? Why would you do it that way? But what made you decide that?" Ask pointlessly detailed questions. He'll quickly realize what you're doing, but as long as you're polite, there's nothing he can do without either stopping the conversation or becoming rude himself.
  • Three steps:
    Smile
    Exclaim "how interesting!"
    Immediately forget


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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll

Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Grits
Compassionate fundamentalist
# 4169

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quote:
Originally posted by The Prophetess:
quote:
Originally posted by KenWritez:
Thanksgiving approaches

[Eek!]
And I thought my brother made me crazy...

My thoughts exactly. What planet is he on? He's fastforwarded into the next entertaining season.

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Lord, fill my mouth with worthwhile stuff, and shut it when I've said enough. Amen.

Posts: 8419 | From: Nashville, TN | Registered: Feb 2003  |  IP: Logged



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