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» Ship of Fools   » Ship's Locker   » Limbo   » Eccles: Pearls Before Swine: The Parish Magazine of St Bastard's and the Nibbles (Page 1)

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Source: (consider it) Thread: Eccles: Pearls Before Swine: The Parish Magazine of St Bastard's and the Nibbles
dyfrig
Blue Scarfed Menace
# 15

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The Curate Writes:

It is many months since the last issue of the parish magazine. I don't need to rehearse the sad events again. It is time to look forward in faith to the future; it is time to pull together; the tide is high and we are moving on.

On Wednesday we will be having a service of thanksgiving for the recovery of little Karen Beasley, who was so tragically injured when the baldachino exploded. Do join us for the special Solemn Sung Holy Mass in the chapel of Celestine I.

Our Advent activities continue apace, with a special Missal Study group meeting in the vicarage. And of course there is the full rota of services
on the 25th, when we remember Our Lady's continuing work of salvation.

Looking forward to January, we will be blessed by a visiting team from "Sideways in Semantics", an Anglican organisation aimed at providing alternative archdiaconal oversight to those who feel that the Church of England has not the proper authority to licence Readers and cannot accept a sermon from those who have licensed them. It will be a special day for us all who believe in the sanctity of the priesthood.

A very merry Virginmas to you all, and a Happy New Year.

The Curate.

[ 14. May 2007, 21:09: Message edited by: Belisarius ]

--------------------
"He was wrong in the long run, but then, who isn't?" - Tony Judt

Posts: 6917 | From: pob dydd Iau, am hanner dydd | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
Pyx_e

Quixotic Tilter
# 57

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[Killing me]

and how long is this placement ?

[Killing me]

P

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It is better to be Kind than right.

Posts: 9778 | From: The Dark Tower | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Chorister

Completely Frocked
# 473

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"It is time to pull together" : chorister puzzles over what exactly this can mean.......

(In recovery after making 50 home-made Christmas crackers [Snore] )

--------------------
Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.

Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
CorgiGreta
Shipmate
# 443

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Mr. Curate:

I write you this in Christian love, you despicable pseudo-priest. You have eliminated a venerable parish tradition: the parish magazine Puzzle. It is one of the highlights of my life. I always do quite well in solving it, although last time there was a trick question involving unction. I suspect you intend to introduce a bible quiz or some such insult to my intelligence and faith.

Cancel my subscription and refund my pledge as well. I shall throw spitballs at you during Mass.

Spitefully yours in Christ,

Greta

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jlg

What is this place?
Why am I here?
# 98

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Now, now, Ms Greta, I'm sure that there will be a puzzle coming along any time now. The good Curate has been very busy pondering rumpled deacon's rumps and something that seems to be electrified orphreys on dalmatics. We laity are not privy to all the burdens carried by such saints as our Curate Dyfrig, so it is important to be patient with those who are perhaps a bit touched. By God, of course, touched by God!
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Siegfried
Ship's ferret
# 29

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quote:
Originally posted by jlg:
We laity are not privy to all the burdens carried by such saints as our Curate Dyfrig, so it is important to be patient with those who are perhaps a bit touched. By God, of course, touched by God!

God's not the only one doing the touching, based on a rumour circulating through the choir last Sunday! Don't be surprised if a certain member of the parish council comes to next service looking as if he's been doing his own laundry!!

Sieg

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Royal Peculiar
Shipmate
# 3159

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The baldachino exploding was surely a judgment of God on your split infinitive in you sermon of Trinity XV , dear Father. Unless you desist from such semantic irregularity, there will be a visitation of plague in the Parish, we will all perish and it will all be your fault.

Happy Christmas

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Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.

Oscar Wilde

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Sine Nomine*

Ship's backstabbing bastard
# 3631

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I beg your pardon. I'm new around here and wandered into this thread by mistake.
But I do have a question. "Virginmas". Is that anything like Kwanzaa?

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Stephen
Shipmate
# 40

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I'm sure I don't need to tell you,Fr.Dyfrig,that there is no such thing as a "Mass" in the Church of England according to Canon B Blah-de-blah (1964 Concordat of Llanrhaeadr-ym-Mochnant)
Even though 'such pedantry is a real bar to the Gospel 'Hehe.... [Big Grin] [Devil] [Two face] [Killing me]

--------------------
Best Wishes
Stephen

'Be still,then, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the nations and I will be exalted in the earth' Ps46 v10

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Sine Nomine*

Ship's backstabbing bastard
# 3631

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quote:
the baldachino exploded
So THAT'S why the columns are all twisted. I wondered about that.

I thought the guide was saying "baroque". I guess he was saying "broke". Hard to understand those funny accents.

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jlg

What is this place?
Why am I here?
# 98

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I'm sure everyone noticed the tasteful sign at the entrance requesting that all cell phones, pagers, camera flash units, and smilies be turned off when entering the church.
Thank you for your cooperation.

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dyfrig
Blue Scarfed Menace
# 15

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A rather odd message on the answerphone this morning. Our Lady of the Curacy was muttering something about having received a snotty letter from Greta Garbo (surely some mistake?). Ms Garbo not only cancelled her subscription to the magazine – based, it would appear, on some minor grievance about a mis-print on the puzzle page which meant that the £10,000 prize competition was technically impossible – but also referred to Our Lady as “Mr”. Now, I’m the first to admit that Our Lady is very much on the, erm, Butch end of the spectrum as opposed to the Femme, but not even I would mistake her for a man.

No matter. As Ms Garbo has often demanded of us, we shall leave her alone.

The National Tunicle show is being held in Nibble Superior Village Hall on Wednesday, so I’m sure that will draw at least 4 visitors (if a surplice and stole was good enough for Cranmer, it’s good enough for me).

In the post today was a “Christmas letter” from Jezebel, eldest daughter of Deacon Mekon and his wife, Pat. Jezzy is currently studying mediaeval turnip husbandry at the East Lincolnshire Institute of Agriculture and Basket Weaving. Here are some of the edited highlights:

quote:
College is fab!!!!! I am in Spittle Hall, with Bez, Dez, Lez, Kez, Mez and Fez (who is on an exchange year from King Hussein II University in Morocco!). We’re are really crazy! and stay up all night! having parties.

Am currently looking at the life cycle of the turnip as recorded by Izaak Walpole in his famous book “The Life Cycle of the Turnip as Recorded by Izaak Walpole”. Fascinating stuff!!!!!! Have to write 1,000 words on germination. Oh no!!!!!

Have joined all sorts of societies!!!!!! Cider Soc is the best, along with Camp Soc (bellringing in Lincoln cathedral and then the pub), Sock Soc (amusing things done with socks after being to the pub) and, of course, Turnip Soc

Oh to be young again.

--------------------
"He was wrong in the long run, but then, who isn't?" - Tony Judt

Posts: 6917 | From: pob dydd Iau, am hanner dydd | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
CorgiGreta
Shipmate
# 443

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My dear Mr(s). Dyfrig,

While I generally feel that readers have no place in a sound parish and in fact feel that readers should be burned at the stake during fall St. Percy Day bonfires, I reluctantly and temporarily have decided to make an exception in your case.

I am glad to see that you have taken an active role in our struggling parish. It is time for the inmates to take charge of the looney bin that St. Bastard's has become.

I referred to our heretical curate as 'Mr.' since a recent poll of the faithful indicated that 'Mr.' is the preferred form of address for a lady (although we all know she ain't no lady) priest. The Latin word 'priestus' is masculine, and therefore the masculine form of address is required.

Yours in Christ in spite of my bitter hatred of readers,

Greta (no reltaion to Bl. Greta Garbo, patron saintess of the young men of our parish)

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jlg

What is this place?
Why am I here?
# 98

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(The SB&N housekeeper bustles through, muttering about how the clergy keep leaving bits and pieces scattered about instead of putting them where they belong, and proceeds to tidy up.)

quote:
Posted on 7 March 2003 by Dyfrig, under the title "Extreme Unction - the Occasional Magazine of St Bastard and the Nibbles":
Reason and the various comings and goings notwithstanding, life continues unabated in the benefice.

So much to report: firstly, of course, Our Lady of the (by now) Presbyrate has moved on (or, "Buggered off without so much as a by-your-leave", as Pat would put it). Her last service was on the Feast of Thomas Becket, Queen and Martyr To His Piles. A rather rambly sermon as per usual: something about the Church not having to be accountable for its failings to anyone else.

Our Lady is now ensconced at a swish parish in Town, where presumably they will better appreciate her dual talents of getting aggressively defensive
when her ideas are challenged and generosity with the Pimms (which, I am advised by the more discerning Anglo-Catholics, is much more stylish than Rohypnol) as she makes her way through the sixth form at the local Girls' Grammar.

Thus, with the double loss of clergy in the past year, the Diocese finally took notice and sent us someone new, who were installed on the Feast of
General Pinochet (not quite convinced about the use of the tank in the procession, particularly as no-one had checked the brakes. Oh well, I'm sure little Karen Beasley will be out of plaster soon).

We have in our midst Fr Derek "Del-Boy" Tuatt (which rhymes with "Stewart"), formerly chaplain to the scholars at Bagpuss Parva, and a youthful chap with a stubbly chin, a bobble-hat with no bobble on it, and a penchant for playing the guitar, who is affectionately referred to as The Badly Drawn Boy Curate. Apparently he is a rising and useful man, upon whose shoulders rests the future of Liberal Anglo-Evangelical Radical Catholic Orthodoxy. We shall see.

I escaped the mayhem for a week's holiday in the Black Mountains in east Wales. Whilst there I wondered into the Church of St Titbert's at Cefntin, only to find that some evangelicals had infested the place and were having a "Renewal" weekend, whatever that is.

Lo and behold, who should I find in charge of this rabble than our own Fr Tolstoy, who has swapped the fiddleback for a nice blude shirt. He introduced a couple of the speakers to me - a Pastor Clint Oris, who is apparently one of the famous "Tampa Bay Three" best known for their controversial "sheep-dipping" discipline; and a certain "rock'n'roll evangelist" called Elfed Presley. All very strange.

Note: The informati

to which Sine Nomine replied the same day:
quote:
Roman a clef. I'd sue.

Posts: 17391 | From: Just a Town, New Hampshire, USA | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
dyfrig
Blue Scarfed Menace
# 15

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Well, a kindly lady of the parish has tidied up the files (for which we are forever grateful). Now the only mystery to be solved is what earth the graffiti on one of the folders meant and who is this Simon Gnome (or whatever he's called) anyway.

A pleasant weekend was had here with a bottle of gin and that classic of Anglican devotional literature, "Rules for Ritual" by Parson Shandbook. Very good illustrations by the famous "Scuzz" as well, particular the one on p.94 with two slips and a gully and the thurifer at deep square leg.

Didn't go to church, as there was a bit of bruhaha on Saturday which left me rather jaded. Turns out that someone (without letting me, the vicar, Deacon Mekon, his wife Pat or anyone else know) had invited former Fr Tolstoy and his revivalist cronies to do a "Mission" in the church hall!

According to reports, it started off with Elfed Presley's dire music, followed by an hour-long bible-thump from their "guest evangelist", Preacher Skid. Then it went a bit odd, apparently. Preacher Skid encouraged the congregation to join him in a "prayer walk" around one of the "strongholds of Satan" in the town - this turned out to be St Bastard's!

Then things went from odd to confusion. Suffice to say that Jones the Thurifer is helping police with their enquiries about several assaults, the Reverend Skid has two counts of criminal damage to his name and the sight of the choir using the "three rows of artillery" trick from Zulu was not one I ever expected to see in a consecrated building.

So I hid on Sunday, as the church was a mess and Fr Tuatt was in a mood. Will go next week, as the Badly Drawn Boy Curate will be preaching for the first time. Should be good - I hear he's very good at family services. Has this trick he does with a dandelion.

--------------------
"He was wrong in the long run, but then, who isn't?" - Tony Judt

Posts: 6917 | From: pob dydd Iau, am hanner dydd | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
Chorister

Completely Frocked
# 473

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Dyfrig, I live for your St. Bastard's newsletters [Big Grin] - is there any chance you could produce them every fortnight, as we have to keep up with St. Albion's , you know. [Wink]

--------------------
Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.

Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
dyfrig
Blue Scarfed Menace
# 15

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Mystery Worshipper: Deacon Beacon and her husband, Dave.
The church: St Bastard's, Westerbury.
Denomination: Church of England.
The building: A classic neo-gothic church with Norman influence, exacerbated by 60s extension work. Built by Sir Percival Fruit after a drunken night out with E.B. Pusey.
The church: A parish church, part of a benefice with the three Nibble villages.
The neighbourhood: A quiet, rural setting deep in the heart of suburbia, close to the council estates but not close enough that the residents would ever bother the church. .
The cast: Father Derek Tuatt presiding; Preacher and Deacon, Gordon Langley-Williams

What was the name of the service?
Family Parish Mass (Sung)
How full was the building?
Half full or half empty, depending on your point of view.
Did anyone welcome you personally?
No. There was a shelf with books on it (the Parish Missal and Mission Praise (which we picked up, assuming they were for the service) and "The Bible From Scratch" by Simon Jenkins, which I don't think was necessarily part of the proceedings)
Was your pew comfortable?
Apparently Sir Percival didn't believe anyone actually needed to sit down during a service (he thought they'd be kneeling or standing), so he made very sure that the pews didn't encourage any sense of comfort.

How would you describe the pre-service atmosphere?
Quiet. As in, totally silent.

What were the exact opening words of the service?
"How do I get this f***ing microphone to w- ah…er…..In-the-name-of-the-FatherSonHolySprrr….Hymn 102"

What books did the congregation use during the service?
Despite picking up the books that were at the door, it turns out that in the pews was a booklet called "Missa Bastardis", which seemed to be bits cobbled together from Sarum, the Interim Rite and Trent, together with notes and commentaries from Percy Dearmer and the Redemption Hymnal, which was a bit bizarre to say the least.
What musical instruments were played?
The organ boomed away from the far end, totally drowning out the choir and the congregation. During the "Kidz Talk" (that's what the heading said in the "Missa"), the Deacon brought out his guitar and led the lacklustre singing of "Mary, Blessed Teenage Mother".

Did anything distract you?
The Deacon was wearing a bobble-hat without a bobble, and hadn't shaved that morning. My w- husband tells me that he bears a resemblance to some pop musician or other.

Was the worship stiff-upper-lip, happy clappy, or what?
An odd mix - solemn procession coupled with revivalist hymns, and the aforementioned modern song.

Exactly how long was the sermon?
19 minutes, only 9 of which was actually preaching (see below)

On a scale of 1-10, how good was the preacher?
2 - rather rambly, with too many lame jokes and trying too hard to ingratiate himself with the "kidz".

In a nutshell, what was the sermon about?
Difficult - quite hard to pin it down. Probably something like, "It's really great to be here, isn't it? In this place which is, like really the right place to be on a Sunday morning, not like places that don't have Mass and don't really have Jesus present with them". Then morphed, rather cumbersomely, into "How Mary is, like, the oven in which the bread of life was baked and if Jesus was a flower or a vine, we could eat him too" at which point the preacher consumed a daffodil. The service was suspended for 10 minutes as he coughed and spluttered and had to be taken outside. After he came back, he concluded that "it's all a mystery". At least he got something right.

Which part of the service was like being in heaven?
The end

And which part was like being in... er... the other place?
The bit when a middle-aged spinster came up to me and said how wonderfully the Preacher had been! It took a great deal of self-control not to look totally shocked.

What happened when you hung around after the service looking lost?
We were invited to help clear up some rubble which was strewn across the narthex after a particularly violent incident a few weeks before

How would you describe the after-service coffee?
Diabolical. It had gin in it.

How would you feel about making this church your regular (where 10 = ecstatic, 0 = terminal)?
1 - works for some people, I'm sure.

Did the service make you feel glad to be a Christian?
Yes - the notion that I could walk into any church in Christendom and find something better than this was a great comfort to me.

What one thing will you remember about all this in seven days' time?
The sense of relief on leaving.

--------------------
"He was wrong in the long run, but then, who isn't?" - Tony Judt

Posts: 6917 | From: pob dydd Iau, am hanner dydd | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
Nunc Dimittis
Seamstress of Sound
# 848

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[Killing me] Dyfrig
Posts: 9515 | From: Delta Quadrant | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
dyfrig
Blue Scarfed Menace
# 15

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The Parish Church of St Bastard's, Westerby

Minutes of the Parochial Church Council held on 11th August 2003

APOLOGIES

A letter had been received from the Sidesman, Mr Gottfried von Zinkelheimer, indicating his wish to resign from the office and from the PCC due to being inconvenienced by the police investigation into his activities whilst a guard at Buchenwald during the war. The PCC thanked Mr von Zinkelheimer for his sterling work, particularly for his enthusiasm for choral evensong and arranging trips to Great Torrington.

MINUTES OF THE PREVIOUS MEETING

The minutes of the last meeting had been previously circulated. Ms Johnson noted that whilst the previous meeting had included a vote of no confidence in Mrs Tuatt, the Secretary, and severe criticism of the Vicar's changes to ritual, the minutes had read "All very fine and dandy. Everybody got on well". The Vicar said he would not be bullied by people who thought the Church was a democracy and that he was solely responsible to the Holy Ghost.

THE CHURCH ROOF

As had been noted at the last meeting, the roof has fallen down. The PCC voted 6-5 with 2 abstentions to set up a Working Party who will prepare a report to a Sub-Committee who will then draft recommendations to be discussed by the whole PCC.

VICAR'S REPORT

The Vicar reported that he'd drunk three bottles of gin in the last week.

ANY OTHER BUSINESS

It was reported that little Karen Beasley was now out of hospital but that the metal plate in her head would have to stay in permanently.

[ 12. August 2003, 13:48: Message edited by: Dyfrig ]

--------------------
"He was wrong in the long run, but then, who isn't?" - Tony Judt

Posts: 6917 | From: pob dydd Iau, am hanner dydd | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
Spike

Mostly Harmless
# 36

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I have received the following email from an irate member of the congregation of St Bastard's:

Dear Sir

I must object in the strongest possible manner about the so called Mystery Worship "report" which has appeared on your web "site".

As a regular attender at St Bastards for well over 90 years, I feel it is most un-Christian to publish beastly things about our wonderful new preacher who happens to be a very nice young man. If this "reporter" thinks he can do any better, I'd like to see him try, I can tell you! We don't take kindly to newcomers in these parts.

The "reporter" obviously set out with some kind of agenda against us as he ommited to mention some of the truly wonderful artefacts we have in the church, particulary the 12 ft Bronze Statue of our previous Vicar's dog upon which we lay garlands on the anniversary of the poor beast's untimely death (which also resulted in the Vicar's 7 year prison sentence under the Cruelty to Animals act).

I think it is cowardly in the extreme to sneak in to a place of worship without appointment and to attend a service intended only for regular members of the congregation then to tell people about it on a so called Christian web "site".

Yours Sincerely

Vera Tweedy-Shobgite (Miss)

--------------------
"May you get to heaven before the devil knows you're dead" - Irish blessing

Posts: 12860 | From: The Valley of Crocuses | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
dyfrig
Blue Scarfed Menace
# 15

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Phew! What a weekend! Not since little Karen Beasley got impaled on that candle has there been such a caffufle in the church.

Sunday morning saw a special service to consecrate the new mezzanine floor that creates a new room above the sanctuary. As we all know, this has been something of sore issue with many in the benefice.

Some have argued quite vociforously that not only is "mezzanine" not a biblical phrase, the entire tradition of the Church is against it. Others have said that God is doing a new thing, and that we shouldn't be afraid to embrace changes in flooring arrangements.

So we all gathered at St B's with Bishop Windy Millar and his chaplain, Nicky Smile, who were going to lay hands on the floor. During the service there was a minor scuffle at the back when Bishop Denzil Elimelech from the Diocese of Kyrgyztan and the Himalayas cried out in a loud voice that the floor was against God's word and warned of the dangers of going too near the rim. He expostulated on the nature of floor-coverings, citing carpet burns as a mark of the beast. He then said he would never walk on the new floor. This will be a problem, as it forms the quickest route to the toilets.

After +Denzil had left, +Windy did a liturgical dance comprising of sticking his hands in the air, doing a little jig and singing, "Hahaha! We win! We win! Piss off you reactionary bastards" before being pointed to the right page in the liturgy.

Nicky Smile then preached a sermon on how great God was, no, really, really great in a kind of great sort of way.

We then went to the church hall for tea.

--------------------
"He was wrong in the long run, but then, who isn't?" - Tony Judt

Posts: 6917 | From: pob dydd Iau, am hanner dydd | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
Nunc Dimittis
Seamstress of Sound
# 848

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So glad St Bastards is holding out Dyfrig. Keep up the good work.
Posts: 9515 | From: Delta Quadrant | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
dyfrig
Blue Scarfed Menace
# 15

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Why thank you Ms Nunc. Glad to be of service [Smile]

That reminds me, the music for yesterday's service was Dimittis in F# Minor, the so-called "MIssa Satanis". Apparently, if you play it backwards you can clearly hear the words, "I like lacy cottas".

--------------------
"He was wrong in the long run, but then, who isn't?" - Tony Judt

Posts: 6917 | From: pob dydd Iau, am hanner dydd | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
Chorister

Completely Frocked
# 473

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About time, too.

Why doesn't St. Bastard's have its own website? Even Great Torrington manages that....

--------------------
Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.

Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Chapelhead*

Ship’s Photographer
# 1143

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If God had meant us to have floors he wouldn't have walked on water. [Disappointed]

--------------------
Benedikt Gott Geschickt!

Posts: 7082 | From: Turbolift Control. | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
Sine Nomine*

Ship's backstabbing bastard
# 3631

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BTW, Dyfrig, if you think I didn't see it, I did.
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tomb
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# 174

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My.God.

There is a Party.Thread.in.Mystery.Worship.

First queer bishops; now this.

Can the Eschaton be far behind?

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Siegfried
Ship's ferret
# 29

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Party thread? Dyfrig is simply keeping us updated on the happenings at St. Bastard's!

Sieg

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dyfrig
Blue Scarfed Menace
# 15

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quote:
Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
BTW, Dyfrig, if you think I didn't see it, I did.

Well, that's put my mind at rest.

Now all I want to know is what you're talking about [Big Grin] [Confused]

--------------------
"He was wrong in the long run, but then, who isn't?" - Tony Judt

Posts: 6917 | From: pob dydd Iau, am hanner dydd | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
St. Punk the Pious

Biblical™ Punk
# 683

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Dyfrig, thanks for updating us on the goings-on at St. Bastard's. Sounds like a delightful parish. I must visit sometime.

I am curious about two things:
1. Is St. Bastard's seeking alternative episcopal oversight?
2. Is it true that your current bishop has asked St. Bastard's to seek alternative episcopal oversight?

Thank you and God bless.

--------------------
The Society of St. Pius *
Wannabe Anglican, Reader
My reely gud book.

Posts: 4161 | From: Choral Evensong | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
dyfrig
Blue Scarfed Menace
# 15

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Cassette Library: S03/A-2 - Fr Tuatt

[loud screeching noise. Shuffling]

Fr Tuatt (quietly): Jesus, Mary and Joseph-- [ear piercing feedback] Oh GOD!! Mekon?! MEKON!? Turn the red knob! …… Right. [more feedback] NO! I meant "right" as in "ok". [feedback ends] ….. [inaudible whispering] Anyway.

Good morning, everybody [low, muttered response]. I don't need to rehash the controversies of the past few weeks. This morning, instead of a sermon, I want to put before you two letters which the parish has received, which we all need to think about.

The first is from "Right Now", a body representing priests of the Church of England who are fighting to retain the catholicity of the church by proposing an autonomous province within England that is independent from Canterbury, General Synod and is free to choose which CofE Diocese it wants to be in communion with. I think this would be a good group to be involved with - you all know our fruitful links with St Tebbitt's in Matron-Cum-Lightly and our annual burning of Common Worship. I think we should seriously consider this proposal. Some will argue that this will mean a schism in the Church, the creation of a new ecclesial body- they are wrong. We, the upholders of true catholicism, are the Church within the Church of England and this free province would only be a recognition of that.

The second item I received in the post is from an American Bishop, the Most Heavily Reverend Mark Cool of the Diocese of Yo! in Ohio, who has written to us to express support for our stand in the current crisis and has offered us an "interim alternative episcopal oversighting pastorate" should we require such care. It is, of course, highly irregular to seek oversight beyond one's one shores - but Mr Cool's ministry amongst young people would bring a welcome new emphasis to spreading the word of true catholicism. We're well aware of our own failings in this area, and Mr Cool certainly has his finger on the nub of youth. My only reservation is that he appears not only to be American, but has never heard of gin.

I shall leave this information with you, and we will discuss it at the next PCC.

Now, where were we. Oh, let's not bother with the Creed today - there's rugby on the telly. Now for a hymn that expresses the centre of the faith, "Mary Blessed Teenage Mother". [ends]

--------------------
"He was wrong in the long run, but then, who isn't?" - Tony Judt

Posts: 6917 | From: pob dydd Iau, am hanner dydd | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
Nunc Dimittis
Seamstress of Sound
# 848

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quote:
but Mr Cool's ministry amongst young people would bring a welcome new emphasis to spreading the word of true catholicism. We're well aware of our own failings in this area, and Mr Cool certainly has his finger on the nub of youth.
I do realise this was transcribed verbatim, Dyfrig, but surely Fr Tuatt meant "His Grace, bishop Cool" or "Rev. Cool" or "Most Heavily Rev. Cool" at a pinch. But "Mr" Cool?

Sounds to me like he greatly undervalues the episcopal ministry of this man, if he fails to give him his full title...

Posts: 9515 | From: Delta Quadrant | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
St. Punk the Pious

Biblical™ Punk
# 683

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quote:
Originally posted by Nunc Dimittis:
I do realise this was transcribed verbatim, Dyfrig, but surely Fr Tuatt meant "His Grace, bishop Cool" or "Rev. Cool" or "Most Heavily Rev. Cool" at a pinch. But "Mr" Cool?

Sounds to me like he greatly undervalues the episcopal ministry of this man, if he fails to give him his full title...

Oh, I don't mi-- er, uh, I'm sure the Reverend Cool doesn't mind.

--------------------
The Society of St. Pius *
Wannabe Anglican, Reader
My reely gud book.

Posts: 4161 | From: Choral Evensong | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
CorgiGreta
Shipmate
# 443

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Dear Fr. Tuatt,

As Chaplain to +Cool, I feel it is my duty to supply you with some details that will facilitate the alternative pastoral oversight His Heavily Grace has proposed, should you happen to accept it. I must say that he has some requirements that may seem a bit odd to you Old Englanders.


1. During his visits, he must have the use of a pick-up truck (left hand drive) with a gun rack (well-stocked), a "Remember the Alamo" bumper sticker, and cow horns attached to the front of the hood. The horn should play the first few bars of the American National Anthem

2. He is a sound believer in the sacred biretta, of course, but it must be worn under a cowboy hat.

3. He requires that incense be a blend known in the trade as Kawamanua. We get ours from a rancher in Texas. You may wish to check with farmers in Wales.

4. He does not consume alcohol (even GIN!}. He considers tea drinking to be a perversion. His beveragea of choice are Dr. Pepper, Mountain Dew, and Gatoraide.

5.Instead of Communion wine he will expect Tang to be used, and he will use a clear glass canning jar instead of a chalice. It is really quite dramatic at the Concecration when he adds Tang to water and it turns orange.

6. People should be warned that he occasionally deviates from Holy Cranmerian Language. For example, he says, "The Lord be with y'all."

I suppose I could go on and on, but I trust that you people are capable of some adaptability in spite of your reputation. In any case, I stand willing to be of further assistance to you in this process, as I am sure you will need it.


The Reverend Dr. Fr. Mr. Canon Lucifer Marc duPunque.

[ 10. November 2003, 20:46: Message edited by: CorgiGreta ]

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Sine Nomine*

Ship's backstabbing bastard
# 3631

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So, who went on the pyre at St. Bastards?
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Chorister

Completely Frocked
# 473

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Dyfrig crept up, under cover of night, and put on a large cut-out figure he had prepared earlier, of the good reverend Hummerstone himself..... [Snigger]


Mr. Cool wishes it to be known that he would rather not be known by the more traditional title of Fr. but by the rather more 'user-friendly' one of Daddy. [Cool]

--------------------
Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.

Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Rev per Minute
Shipmate
# 69

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quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
Mr. Cool wishes it to be known that he would rather not be known by the more traditional title of Fr. but by the rather more 'user-friendly' one of Daddy. [Cool]

As in:

"Daddy, Daddy Cool..."

? [Snigger]

--------------------
"Allons-y!" "Geronimo!" "Oh, for God's sake!" The Day of the Doctor

At the end of the day, we face our Maker alongside Jesus. RIP ken

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Chorister

Completely Frocked
# 473

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Yes indeedy.

10/10 to Rhisiart.

--------------------
Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.

Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
dyfrig
Blue Scarfed Menace
# 15

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You know, hospital food isn't really so bad these days. It's certainly improved since the last time I was in.

So here we all are in the Burns Unit (apart from little Karen Beasley who's in Intensive Care): Fr Tuatt, Curate Gordon, Deacon Mekon and me. Quite remarkable really. Strangely, the hospital chaplaincy team avoids this ward at the moment.

The blasted verger, Mary, came round with grapes and her brand of sympathy. She also left me a cutting from the local rag about the incident. We were on page 2, after "Local Child Does Something" and "Cat Stuck in Tree in Piddleshaw".

Negligent Vicar Blamed For Advent Blaze

Local ecclesiastical authorities are waiting for local vicar Rev. Derek Ozymandias Tuatt to recover from his injuries before questioning him about the fire at St Bastard's on Sunday.

Fr Tuatt, 43, formerly of Belmarsh Prison, is being blamed for the blaze that has reduced the sham-gothic, 14th century Grade IV unlisted building to a smoking pile of rubble. Eyewitnesses say that during the first hymn Fr Tuatt attempted to light the Advent candle with his cigarette lighter. The flames caught hold of one of his garments, known as a maniple, and suddenly his entire clerical cloak was ablaze. Fortunately, thanks to them being loose-fitting polycotton with a zip all the way up the front he was able to remove them before he suffered any serious damage, but by throwing them onto the communion table he caused the white table cloth and the flower display to catch fire.

The blaze then spread to the blue carpet of the worship space and consumed the lightly-coloured Ikea bought chairs. The curate, Gordon Langley-Williams, heroically ushered everybody away from the flames, despite himself suffering from a singed beard.

Once outside, the congregation watched in horror as the building was engulfed, and some wept openly, wearing sackcloth and ashes as the west end of the building crumbled.

"I don't believe it," said one parishioner. "You don't expect this sort of thing. Who would have thought it? Gordon Bennett. Cor blimey."

Some witnesses were puzzled by aspects of the blaze, particularly the way in which the stones of the building themselves caught fire. The Fire Brigade report the smell of petrol.

One witness, who would only give her name as "Pat", said that it was a sad day, but at least the church was insured.

Fr Tuatt is currently in hospital but is expected to make a full recovery. The Bishop is said to be concerned that the parish priest's ostentatious worship style may have had some part in the severity of the fire, particular the lit 750 candles in the nave. He also expressed his disquiet that Fr Tuatt had tripped whilst running from the fire because of the five inch heels on his shoes, which were apparently painted to match the liturgical colour of the church's year.

Services have currently been suspended. A local preacher, Pastor Clint Oris, whose New International Life Church of the Word meets in the school, said he believed the fire was a judgement from God but that he would happily welcome any parishioners who wished to join his congregation, so long as they attended an Alpha Course and made a life commitment to the Church next Sunday.

Gordon Langley-Williams is 24.

FACTFILE: Want to know more about Maniples? Then click on ww.mercurytelegraphandtimes.com/facts/bastardfire/maniple

--------------------
"He was wrong in the long run, but then, who isn't?" - Tony Judt

Posts: 6917 | From: pob dydd Iau, am hanner dydd | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
Divine Outlaw
Gin-soaked boy
# 2252

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[Votive] Karen.

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insert amusing sig. here

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Sine Nomine*

Ship's backstabbing bastard
# 3631

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Dear Father Tuatt,

Our hearts go out to all of you at St. Bastard's during this time of terrible tragedy. I know you and the congregation must be heartbroken.

But just remember, the church is not the building. The church is the people. Thank-God no lives were lost. That's the important thing.

God works in mysterious ways and every cloud has a silver lining. This could be a blessing in disguise, or perhaps a blessing of an extremely obvious kind.

Thank goodness the building was insured! Now you will have a chance to build an inclusive, user-friendly multi-purpose worship space suited to the needs of the twentyfirst century.

Please keep us posted on the doings of the building committee.

Peace, Love, and above all, Hope,
An American Friend

p.s.: Enclosed please find five dollars towards your building fund.

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St. Punk the Pious

Biblical™ Punk
# 683

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Dear Fr Tuatt,

My best wishes for a speedy recovery.

The unfortunate incident reminds me of a storefront church down the street from me -- the Church on Fire Revival Center. I'm also reminded of an exhortation I heard from a revivalist radio preacher years ago to "set your church on fire."

As trying as recent events may be, it's heartening to see that American revivalism has influenced your parish.

Oh, Bishop Cool asked me to pass on his best wishes.

God bless,

The Incredibly Reverend Mark T. Punk

--------------------
The Society of St. Pius *
Wannabe Anglican, Reader
My reely gud book.

Posts: 4161 | From: Choral Evensong | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
Nunc Dimittis
Seamstress of Sound
# 848

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Do let us know, won't you old chap, what Fr Tuatt says when he comes round.

And keep us updated on his progress.

Saying 50 Simultaneous Rosaries for his recovery

BTW where can I get a pair of 5 inch heels in the liturgical colour of Gaudete Sunday? Special feasts and all that...

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kingsfold

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# 1726

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Nunc, have you tried Ann Summers? [Biased]

--------------------
I came to Jesus and I found in him my star, my sun.
And in that light of life I'll walk 'til travelling days are done


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dyfrig
Blue Scarfed Menace
# 15

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ENTHUSIASTIC AMATEURS NEEDED for our Christmas show. Anyone and everyone welcome to join in our specially written comedy drama about Anglican mission in the Wild West, "Gunfight at the OK Choral Evensong". All enquiries: the Verger, Mary Twerp (Miss).

--------------------
"He was wrong in the long run, but then, who isn't?" - Tony Judt

Posts: 6917 | From: pob dydd Iau, am hanner dydd | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
Chorister

Completely Frocked
# 473

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I have a feeling that the parish of St. Bastard's and the Nibbles must be in the Diocese of Wenchoster. If not, it should be...... [Big Grin]

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Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.

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Nunc Dimittis
Seamstress of Sound
# 848

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Dear Miss Twerp.

I'd like to enquire about the role of bishop in the proposed Christmas show thingy that St Bastards is putting on.

Would it be permissable for this bishop to wear the following outfit? I think s/he could pose as one of the dancing-persons missioning at the bar:

Black stiletto heels
Black fishnet stockings
Black suspenders
Black feathered G-string
Black Victorian corset
Black elbow-length gloves
White Anglican collar (no stock).

Over the top of this would be an alb, with lace from the waist. And perched on the dancer's head, a mitre covered in sparkly bits. The crook would of course be part of the routine.

I am sure we could concoct a "preach it" routine... Tying into the idea of mission and so on. You know how these young people today like funky stuff.

And I think there should be a scene wherein the bishop intervenes in the street fight outside, preaching a message of *ahem* love and love-making.

I'd volunteer myself for the role, but for the fact that I think a guy would be far more suited, and infinitely more *charismatically appealing*.

For this purpose, might I suggest the following people who would be prepared to volunteer?

Pyx_e
Fiddleback
Anselmina
Duchess
Sine Nomine
Anglicanrascal


Regards

Nunc Dimittis

PS. If one of the above consents to perform the bishop, I'm happy to perform according to my name, as the Nunc of the whole thing. It is to be Evensong, isn't it. Guess that means we'll need a Magnificat, a Creed, some Responses, an Anthem, and the Prayer of St Chrysostom... It'd depend on which libretto *ahem* liturgy you were going to use. Do let me know, and i'll rustle up some friends... ND.

[ 16. December 2003, 01:13: Message edited by: Nunc Dimittis ]

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St. Punk the Pious

Biblical™ Punk
# 683

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I can bring out my boots and cowboy hat and play a rootin tootin Texan. [Big Grin]

--------------------
The Society of St. Pius *
Wannabe Anglican, Reader
My reely gud book.

Posts: 4161 | From: Choral Evensong | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
magnum mysterium
Shipmate
# 3418

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quote:
Originally posted by Nunc Dimittis:
Would it be permissable for this bishop to wear the following outfit? I think s/he could pose as one of the dancing-persons missioning at the bar:

Black stiletto heels
Black fishnet stockings
Black suspenders
Black feathered G-string
Black Victorian corset
Black elbow-length gloves
White Anglican collar (no stock).


Dear Father Dimittis,

The Verger seems to think that your inventory for the bishop is inappropriate - not the nature of the apparel, per se, but the colour of same. Would not an episcopal purple be far more, ahem, fitting, for his Lordship?

Yours,

Magnum Mysterium (Mr)
Executive Assistant to the Verger
Polisher of the Verge
General nuisance to all others.

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The Bede's American Successor

Curmudgeon-in-Training
# 5042

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quote:
Originally posted by MarkthePunk:
I can bring out my boots and cowboy hat and play a rootin tootin Texan. [Big Grin]

You think you are joking, don't you? When living in South Dakota, the then diocesan, +Craig/+Leading Eagle, started making episcopal visitations on the Standing Rock and other such places on horseback. In honor of this, he was presented with white athletic socks adorned with a cowboy riding a bronc on the sides--in purple--at the next diocesan convention.

--------------------
This was the iniquity of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters had pride of wealth and food in plenty, comfort and ease, and yet she never helped the poor and the wretched.

—Ezekiel 16.49

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