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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Hell: The Dar es Salaam order of service
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Simon
Editor
# 1
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Posted
Your suggestions, please, for a suitably satirical order of service to conclude the Anglican primates' meeting at Dar es Salaam, along the lines of the stirring and inspiring Southwark Christmas Service.
What would be the most suitable hymns, prayers, responses and blessings for this... er... historic breakthrough in Christian unity? And who would deliver them? The whole order of service or bits of it are welcome. The best bits (if there are any) will be published on the Ship's main site.
[ 05. August 2007, 04:23: Message edited by: comet ]
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Eternal memory
Posts: 3787 | From: London | Registered: Mar 2001
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Leetle Masha
Cantankerous Anchoress
# 8209
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Posted
Organ Prelude: Toccata and Fugue on "In an Octopus's Garden" ![[Two face]](graemlins/scot_twoface.gif)
<must be played by an Organist Behaving Badly>
M
Posts: 6351 | From: Hesychia, in Hyperdulia | Registered: Aug 2004
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comet
Snowball in Hell
# 10353
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Posted
just off the top of my head...
"The Lord be with you.
But not with you."
it's been floating around in my brain all week: hanging (slightly askew) in the lecturn is a sign that reads, "No Gurls Alowd".
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
I'm sure more will come to me.
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Evil Dragon Lady, Breaker of Men's Constitutions
"It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.” -Calvin
Posts: 17024 | From: halfway between Seduction and Peril | Registered: Sep 2005
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Spiffy
Ship's WonderSheep
# 5267
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Posted
There must be a point in the service where the Measuring of the Phylacteraries To See Who's Got The Biggest will take place.
And I'm certain that the procession will practically run past the Lady Chapel, for fear of girl cooties.
Probably should sing "I come to the garden alone", seeing as some of the Primates are quite certain they're the only ones what have met Jesus.
And there must be Alternative Eucharist Oversight, of course, between those who want flatbread and those who want crackers.
[ 21. February 2007, 16:50: Message edited by: Spiffy da WonderSheep ]
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Looking for a simple solution to all life's problems? We are proud to present obstinate denial. Accept no substitute. Accept nothing.
--Night Vale Radio Twitter Account
Posts: 10281 | From: Beervana | Registered: Dec 2003
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Oscar the Grouch
Adopted Cascadian
# 1916
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Posted
Surely the recessional hymn will be Ian Dury's "I want to be straight"
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Faradiu, dundeibáwa weyu lárigi weyu
Posts: 3871 | From: Gamma Quadrant, just to the left of Galifrey | Registered: Dec 2001
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PataLeBon
Shipmate
# 5452
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Posted
I think that you need to have two different places for Eucharist, as so to make sure that one can recieve with only those of the "true faith".
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That's between you and your god. Oh, wait a minute. You are your god. That's a problem. - Jack O'Neill (Stargate SG1)
Posts: 1907 | From: Texas | Registered: Jan 2004
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Oscar the Grouch
Adopted Cascadian
# 1916
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Posted
Yup - the "gay-lovers" to receive communion in the bell tower, after first negotiating the rickety stair case in the dark (can't imagine who would removed the light bulb, can you?)
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Faradiu, dundeibáwa weyu lárigi weyu
Posts: 3871 | From: Gamma Quadrant, just to the left of Galifrey | Registered: Dec 2001
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Ann
Curious
# 94
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Posted
Can we have "Sing a Rainbow"?
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Ann
Posts: 3271 | From: IO 91 PI | Registered: May 2001
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
I think Dame Edna should officiate.
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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Oscar the Grouch
Adopted Cascadian
# 1916
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Posted
With Eddie Izzard as the deacon.
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Faradiu, dundeibáwa weyu lárigi weyu
Posts: 3871 | From: Gamma Quadrant, just to the left of Galifrey | Registered: Dec 2001
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comet
Snowball in Hell
# 10353
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Oscar the Grouch:
Yup - the "gay-lovers" to receive communion in the bell tower,
you mean in the closet, surely?
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Evil Dragon Lady, Breaker of Men's Constitutions
"It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.” -Calvin
Posts: 17024 | From: halfway between Seduction and Peril | Registered: Sep 2005
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Louise
Shipmate
# 30
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Posted
I haven't had time to do anything special for this, as real life has intervened, but here's one I did earlier slightly amended - possibly a preface for your order of service...
L.
Jerusalem, Feb 21st 2007, Round about Tea Time
What have you been reading? The gospel according to Saint Bastard? - Eddie Izzard
The manuscript thief snuffled as he lurked in the deserted lavatory behind the Holy Sepulchre
'Well speak up man' said the Professor 'What have you got to sell to me? The Knights Templar Guide to Sex and Shopping? 'Who's Smiting Whom', one owner, slightly foxed, signed Samson?
He rustled in the carrier bag 'I have...'
'Oh not another bloody grail marked souvenir of Jerusalem'
'Excuse me professor but that's my personal grail. It's not on offer. This is the manuscript'
A strange aura of menace seemed to emanate from the wrinkled book with its oddly-familar, yet faded furry pattern.
'What's the binding?'
'Genuine Judaean leopard. The monks tamed it with a saucer of milk and a fresh lapdog daily until it would come into the library. Then they beat it to death with a chair and used it for bookbinding. Very authentic'.
'You dont see many Judaean Leopards these days'
'That's why.'
'Ink?'
'Judaean squid.'
The professor snorted.
'They dug a special watercourse to the holy pool of Siloam from their tank. Everyday they topped up the water with a jug of dead sea salt to adjust the salinity. The squid were lovingly raised on a diet of guppies from the lake of Galilee. Then when the time came, a monk would go down to the well and beat them to death with a chair.'
'So what is this?'
'This, my friend, is the true Holy grail, the core teaching which underpins the whole Christian faith - look more closely at the cover!'
There in faded lettering among the leopard spots he could see the traces of flaking gold leaf, koine greek. The words were debateable, what could they say? Don't Panic? Love one another? but suddenly they coalesced before his very eyes in all their glory-
'NO POOFTERS'
He gasped.
'At last! At last we know what the primates were reading!'
[ 21. February 2007, 20:48: Message edited by: Louise ]
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Now you need never click a Daily Mail link again! Kittenblock replaces Mail links with calming pics of tea and kittens! http://www.teaandkittens.co.uk/ Click under 'other stuff' to find it.
Posts: 6918 | From: Scotland | Registered: May 2001
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Louise
Shipmate
# 30
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Posted
And while I'm rummaging in the bottom drawer, here's another oldie...
L.
from the Book of Squabbling...
And it came to pass that Caesar Augustus made things like fair employment and anti-discrimination acts, decreeing equal opportunities for his Catholic servants and there was much rejoicing. Except in the land of the Paisleyites and the Orangelodgeites where there was a wailing and a gnashing of teeth, as they exclaimed at this rude assault upon their tender consciences, for was it not written in the Bible that God hated Papes?
But Caesar signed the act into law and harkened not to their pleas.
'Ha ha!' said the Catholic servants 'Taketh up the 'No Popery' banner and spin on it! Losers!'
But lo, Caesar's new 'Thou shalt not maltreat thy brother on the grounds of religion' act had hardly been on the papyrus for very long, when he caught his Catholic servants in the act of striking the non heterosexually-inclined servants from the child-care rota, and his Archbishops, all in their frocks, egging them on not to render that which was equal opportunities unto Caesar.
And he said unto them 'What is all this? Did I not order that all religious discrimination should cease in my land?'
And they said 'Lord, Lord, the Bible says they're an abomination! We must be allowed to discriminate against them! It's our tender consciences - God hates pooves!"
And Caesar said unto them 'Take up your 'No Poovery' banner and spin on it, you hypocritical tossers!'
And they said "Help! Help! we're being oppressed! If you don't watch it, we're going on the Today programme!"
And Caesar did smite the Catholic servants with the rolled-up papyrus, saying 'Don't you of all people get what this equality stuff is about?'
And being all equal opportunities, he did smite the Archbishops too and did rend utterly their new child-care rota into a paper doily.
And he was heard to go away muttering something about having that Richard Dawkins in the back of his chariot once, 'wanted to feed them all to the bloody lions... How bloody right he was...'
(in case a host is worrying both these are my own original work)
[ 21. February 2007, 20:58: Message edited by: Louise ]
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Now you need never click a Daily Mail link again! Kittenblock replaces Mail links with calming pics of tea and kittens! http://www.teaandkittens.co.uk/ Click under 'other stuff' to find it.
Posts: 6918 | From: Scotland | Registered: May 2001
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CorgiGreta
Shipmate
# 443
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Posted
Opening hymn:
"Cursed be the tie that binds
Our hearts in Jesus' love,
And those who disagree with us
Are going to get a shove.
Before our Father's throne,
We pour condemning prayers.
Our hopes, our aims are that they leave,
And if they go, who cares?
They cause us too much woe
Their burdens we won't bear,
They always go against the flow
They make us tear our hair."
Greta
,
Posts: 3677 | Registered: Jun 2001
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comet
Snowball in Hell
# 10353
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Posted
(hushed golf-announcer whisper...)
***at the end of the Primates' meeting, whoever is left standing comes together for a service of Baptism. After the lessons and sermon, newly self-appointed Archbishop Of All That is Good and True, Peter Jensinola, begins the presentation... ***
++J: Do you renounce the Episcopal Church of The USA and all of the other Spiritual Forces of Wickedness, general Badness, and Wishy-Washyness that rebel against God As we Know Him?
Small voice: I renounce them.
++J: Do you renounce the evil powers of this world which corrupt and destroy the creatures of God, creatures of God being manly men and their properly quiet and subservient wives?
SV: er... sure.
++A: Do you renounce all sinful desires, especially the really icky ones, like for that boy who delivers to paper to the See house on Wednesday... you know, the really cute blond one with the tight shorts and crooked grin...
*ahem*
those desires that draw you from the love of God and his one, true path?
SV: (edges away)
++J: Do you turn to the Alternate Primatial Oversight and accept it as your parish's savior?
SV: hey, I was only here for the..
++J: Do you accept the One True Inflexible Way and it's EgoBishops as your only last hope for love before you spin into the spiraling void that will suck you into the void of immodesty, buggery, girly clothes, and dance?
come back here!
(cut to test tone)
[ 21. February 2007, 21:06: Message edited by: comet ]
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Evil Dragon Lady, Breaker of Men's Constitutions
"It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.” -Calvin
Posts: 17024 | From: halfway between Seduction and Peril | Registered: Sep 2005
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Left at the Altar
Ship's Siren
# 5077
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Golden Key:
I think Dame Edna should officiate.
![[Razz]](tongue.gif) I'll rustle up a suitable frock.
For the bits when everyone crosses themselves and says "Father, Son, Holy Spirit", those moving lyrics "When I think about you, I touch myself" would be in order.
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Still pretty Amazing, but no longer Mavis.
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Chapelhead
I am
# 21
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Posted
THE GATHERING
Processional hymn
Men who walk in folly's way (Tune: Balaam's Ass)
President: May the love of God light up your life
All: And up yours
MINISTRY OF THE WORD
Please sit, or stand with your back to the wall, as you prefer
First reading, 1 Corinthians 16:19-20
The churches in the province of Asia send you greetings. Aquila and Priscilla greet you warmly in the Lord, and so does the church that meets at their house. All the brothers here send you greetings. Greet one another with a holy kiss.
Those wishing to leave at this point are requested not to use the rear exit
Gradual Hymn
Strait is the gate to all that come (Tune: The Empire Strikes Back)
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At times like this I find myself thinking, what would the Amish do?
Posts: 9123 | From: Near where I was before. | Registered: Aug 2001
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Jahlove
Tied to the mast
# 10290
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Posted
Response at Elevation:
Lord, they are not worthy to receive you, but only send them to a Christian Rehab Facility and they will be healed
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“Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth.” - Mark Twain
Posts: 6477 | From: Alice's Restaurant (UK Franchise) | Registered: Sep 2005
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Spiffy
Ship's WonderSheep
# 5267
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Posted
OH! I forgot an appropriate hymn!
The Church's One Foundation (is Jesus Christ! You're Wrong!)
Then there's the Inviatory and Response:
Left Side: We've got the Spirit, yes we do, we've got the Spirit, how about you?
Right Side: We've got the Spirit, yes we do, we've got the Spirit, how about you?
[ 21. February 2007, 22:07: Message edited by: Spiffy da WonderSheep ]
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Looking for a simple solution to all life's problems? We are proud to present obstinate denial. Accept no substitute. Accept nothing.
--Night Vale Radio Twitter Account
Posts: 10281 | From: Beervana | Registered: Dec 2003
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mousethief
Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953
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Posted
The Anglican Communion is in the throes of a great battle which may not leave it intact as we have known and loved it for the last umpty years, and you people's response is to make nasty, sarcastic remarks about it?
I love this website! ![[Axe murder]](graemlins/lovedrops.gif)
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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...
Posts: 63536 | From: Washington | Registered: Jul 2001
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the giant cheeseburger
Shipmate
# 10942
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Oscar the Grouch:
Yup - the "gay-lovers" to receive communion in the bell tower, after first negotiating the rickety stair case in the dark (can't imagine who would removed the light bulb, can you?)
John Howard, maybe?
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If I give a homeopathy advocate a really huge punch in the face, can the injury be cured by giving them another really small punch in the face?
Posts: 4834 | From: Adelaide, South Australia. | Registered: Jan 2006
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the coiled spring
Shipmate
# 2872
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Posted
quote:
Those wishing to leave at this point are requested not to use the rear exit
forgive me Chapelhead, but should it not be rear entrance
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give back to God what He gives so it is used for His glory not ours.
Posts: 2359 | From: mountain top retreat lodge overlooking skegness | Registered: May 2002
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The Bede's American Successor
Curmudgeon-in-Training
# 5042
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by MouseThief:
The Anglican Communion is in the throes of a great battle which may not leave it intact as we have known and loved it for the last umpty years, and you people's response is to make nasty, sarcastic remarks about it?
I love this website!
No one ever said Hell on SOF had to be tasteful or uplifting.
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This was the iniquity of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters had pride of wealth and food in plenty, comfort and ease, and yet she never helped the poor and the wretched.
—Ezekiel 16.49
Posts: 6079 | From: The banks of Possession Sound | Registered: Oct 2003
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comet
Snowball in Hell
# 10353
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Posted
besides, for me it's the whole "laugh o r you'll cry" thing.
LATA's is my favorite, so far. I may never cross myself without smirking again.
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Evil Dragon Lady, Breaker of Men's Constitutions
"It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.” -Calvin
Posts: 17024 | From: halfway between Seduction and Peril | Registered: Sep 2005
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the coiled spring
Shipmate
# 2872
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Posted
Considering those cheeky little Anglican monkeys swinging round Diarrhoea Es Salem making out they know what they are doing, I just wonder if any of them are behind the recent attacks on men there.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/6383833.stm
Does anyone know if Mummy Kate took her Technicolor robe she wore when she took up her position on the throne in Washington for Catweazle to try on?
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give back to God what He gives so it is used for His glory not ours.
Posts: 2359 | From: mountain top retreat lodge overlooking skegness | Registered: May 2002
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Ann
Curious
# 94
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Posted
I'm sure that " O God of Earth and Altar" will work, one way or another.
(I don't recognise either of the tunes as being the one we used, but it was 40 years ago that I last sung (or heard) it.)
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Ann
Posts: 3271 | From: IO 91 PI | Registered: May 2001
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The Great Gumby
Ship's Brain Surgeon
# 10989
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Posted
I've gone a bit Rocky Horror Service Book with this one. Some bits work better than others, and I can't do better than Spiffy's hymn, but I thought I ought to suggest something different, just for the hell of it.
Rite for Breakup of the Communion
Officiant: Welcome, all of you. We are here today to mark the breaking up of the Communion into 2 (or it might be 3, or 4, or 5) warring factions.
To left side of church: Jesus wants you for a sunbeam.
Left side: Ooh, fabulous!
To right side of church: Prepare the way of the Lord.
Right side: Make a straight path for him.
Officiant: Where there is harmony
All: May we bring discord.
Officiant: Where there is love
All: May we bring hatred.
Officiant: Let us now greet one another with a sign of peace.
All: You must be joking!
Officiant: We now sing our first hymn, The Church’s One Foundation. We will sing the first line, then there will be a 4-day meeting to decide how it should continue.
(hymn finishes eventually)
Officiant: Brothers…
Left side: …and Sisters!
Officiant: …and Sisters in Christ, I will now ask you to affirm your schism.
Officiant: Do you despise the misguided and heretical theology of that lot over there? (here he will gesture to either side of the church)
All: We do.
Officiant: Do you doubt their faith, and suspect them to be agents of Satan?
All: Yeah, sure, why not?
Officiant: Do you wish you could just run your own church, so you can do it properly without having to worry about them?
All: You bet!
Officiant: I now pronounce you separate denominations. You may now abuse each other.
All: Amen!
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The first principle is that you must not fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool. - Richard Feynman
A letter to my son about death
Posts: 5382 | From: Home for shot clergy spouses | Registered: Feb 2006
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Adeodatus
Shipmate
# 4992
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Posted
Well I did find this tucked away at the very back of a dusty hymn book (with apologies to F W Faber). To be sung, obviously, by the Primates in procession -
There’s a wideness in God’s mercy
That we just don’t want to see;
There’s a kindness in his justice
That won’t do for you or me.
For the love of God is broader
Than an archiepiscopal mind;
And we don’t want to know those
Who are Just Not Quite Our Kind.
So we make his love more narrow
By false limits of our own –
It gives our egos such a boost
And helps maintain the tone.
For it wouldn’t do for women
Or queers to be let in –
We’re a club for gentlemen,
And that’s that! – Pass the gin!
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"What is broken, repair with gold."
Posts: 9779 | From: Manchester | Registered: Sep 2003
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Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012
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Posted
In a moment of inspiration, God gave me this song:
The Church's One Foundation
The Church's one foundation
Is Jesus Christ! You're wrong!
And poofters who are active
Can't join our happy throng.
The women priests who celebrate
Will make the angels weep,
In love we must reject them;
No priestesses for the sheep.
The Church's one foundation
Is Jesus Christ! You're wrong!
And fundi evo bigots
Can't sing our Gospel song.
They pick and choose the verses
They follow and believe -
The Holy Spirit's left them;
We fear they've been deceived.
Anyone got any more verses? Obviously I reserve the right to tell you what you write is from Satan not God ![[Biased]](wink.gif)
Sarkycow
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“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”
Posts: 10787 | Registered: Jul 2001
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IngoB
Sentire cum Ecclesia
# 8700
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Left at the Altar:
For the bits when everyone crosses themselves and says "Father, Son, Holy Spirit", those moving lyrics "When I think about you, I touch myself" would be in order.
Damn, LatA. That one gets five millstones on the Ecclesiasticus scale. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif) ![[Devil]](graemlins/devil.gif) ![[Help]](graemlins/help.gif)
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They’ll have me whipp’d for speaking true; thou’lt have me whipp’d for lying; and sometimes I am whipp’d for holding my peace. - The Fool in King Lear
Posts: 12010 | From: Gone fishing | Registered: Oct 2004
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PhilA
shipocaster
# 8792
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Sarkycow:
In a moment of inspiration, God gave me this song:
The Church's One Foundation
The Church's one foundation
Is Jesus Christ! You're wrong!
And poofters who are active
Can't join our happy throng.
The women priests who celebrate
Will make the angels weep,
In love we must reject them;
No priestesses for the sheep.
The Church's one foundation
Is Jesus Christ! You're wrong!
And fundi evo bigots
Can't sing our Gospel song.
They pick and choose the verses
They follow and believe -
The Holy Spirit's left them;
We fear they've been deceived.
The church's one foundation
Is Jesus Christ! You're wrong!
We're building an extension
To house our happy throng
We're bricking up the windows
Between our pad and yours
We don't want groups of woofters
Watch us eat our Lord
The churches one foundation
Is Jesus Christ! You're wrong!
We've seen you kissing posters
Of the evil 'bishop' Spong
Our Primate he hath spoken
With lace robes glistening
So talk to the hand, bitch
The face ain't listening.
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To err is human. To arr takes a pirate.
Posts: 3121 | From: Sofa | Registered: Nov 2004
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ToujoursDan
Ship's prole
# 10578
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Posted
For all US Saints
For all us Saints, who from the pagans wrest,
Who are by faith are the only blessed,
Our Name, Stand Firm, be forever blessed.
Alleluia, Alleluia!
Scripture our Rock, we wait for God to smite;
Them, Lord, those damned in the well fought fight;
Them, in the darkness, we the one true Light.
Alleluia, Alleluia!
For Akinola’s glorious company,
Who brings the Truth o’er land and over sea,
Shook all the mighty world, we sing to He
Alleluia, Alleluia!
O pure communion, the elect divine!
They feebly struggle, we in glory shine;
We are one in Thee, for Thou art really mine.
Alleluia, Alleluia!
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"Many people say I embarrass them with my humility" - Archbishop Peter Akinola
Facebook link: http://www.facebook.com/toujoursdan
Posts: 3734 | From: NYC | Registered: Oct 2005
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mousethief
Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by The Bede's American Successor:
quote:
Originally posted by MouseThief:
The Anglican Communion is in the throes of a great battle which may not leave it intact as we have known and loved it for the last umpty years, and you people's response is to make nasty, sarcastic remarks about it?
I love this website!
No one ever said Hell on SOF had to be tasteful or uplifting.
Um, my point was that this is a fun thread that I'm enjoying. Hence the "I love this website" and the shower-of-hearts smiley. Get it? Get it?
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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...
Posts: 63536 | From: Washington | Registered: Jul 2001
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
I think the Bede's irony meter may be in need of some recalibration...
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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg
Posts: 7522 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006
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Amazing Grace
High Church Protestant
# 95
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by The Bede's American Successor:
quote:
Originally posted by MouseThief:
The Anglican Communion is in the throes of a great battle which may not leave it intact as we have known and loved it for the last umpty years, and you people's response is to make nasty, sarcastic remarks about it?
I love this website!
No one ever said Hell on SOF had to be tasteful or uplifting.
Chill out, Bede. MT is just saying that he couldn't think of anything good to add himself, but he's enjoying the show.
I'm looking forward to it, and will be emailing HOT LINKS to my clergy when it's ready.
Charlotte
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WTFWED? "Remember to always be yourself, unless you suck" - the Gator
Memory Eternal! Sheep 3, Phil the Wise Guy, and Jesus' Evil Twin in the SoF Nativity Play
Posts: 6593 | From: Sittin' by the dock of the [SF] bay | Registered: Jul 2003
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The Bede's American Successor
Curmudgeon-in-Training
# 5042
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by MouseThief:
Um, my point was that this is a fun thread that I'm enjoying. Hence the "I love this website" and the shower-of-hearts smiley. Get it? Get it?
So, maybe then you could inform us what troparion the Orthodoxen use when you have one of your frequent spats. It might be useful here.
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This was the iniquity of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters had pride of wealth and food in plenty, comfort and ease, and yet she never helped the poor and the wretched.
—Ezekiel 16.49
Posts: 6079 | From: The banks of Possession Sound | Registered: Oct 2003
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ToujoursDan
Ship's prole
# 10578
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Posted
While I have met a few Orthodox who are simply salivating over the prospect of the Anglican Communion splitting over those uppety women and gays because somehow it proves that giving them/us too much power causes horrible things to happen, I have never gotten the impression that Mousethief was part of that camp.
I think he was just commenting on the surrealism of this thread. C'mon kiss and make up.
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"Many people say I embarrass them with my humility" - Archbishop Peter Akinola
Facebook link: http://www.facebook.com/toujoursdan
Posts: 3734 | From: NYC | Registered: Oct 2005
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HenryT
Canadian Anglican
# 3722
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Posted
The psalm has to be 137, with special emphasis on verse 5
quote:
let my right hand forget her cunning
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"Perhaps an invincible attachment to the dearest rights of man may, in these refined, enlightened days, be deemed old-fashioned" P. Henry, 1788
Posts: 7231 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2002
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ken
Ship's Roundhead
# 2460
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Posted
A Commination
or Denouncing of God's Anger and Judgements against Sinners,
With certain Prayers, to be used on the first Day of Lent, and at other times, as the Ordinary shall appoint.
After Morning Prayer, the Litany ended according to the accustomed manner, the Priest shall, in the reading Pew or Pulpit, say
Bretheren, in the Primitive Church there was a godly discipline, that, at the beginning of Lent, such persons as stood convicted of notorious sin were put to open penance, and punished in this world, that their souls might be saved in the day of the Lord; and that others, admonished by their example, might be the more afraid to offend.
Instead whereof, until the said discipline may be restored again, (which is much to be wished,) it is thought good, that at this time (in the presence of you all) should be read the general sentences of God's cursing against impenitent sinners, gathered out of the seven and twentieth Chapter of Deuteronomy, and other places of Scripture; and that ye should answer to every Sentence, Amen: To the intent that, being admonished of the great indignation of God against sinners, ye may the rather be moved to earnest and true repentance; and may walk more warily in these dangerous days; fleeing from such vices, for which ye affirm with your own mouths the curse of God to be due.
Cursed is the man that maketh any carved or molten image, to worship it.
And the people shall answer and say
Amen.
Minister.Cursed is he that curseth his father or mother.
Answer. Amen.
Minister.Cursed is he that removeth his neighbour's landmark.
Answer. Amen.
Minister.Cursed is he that maketh the blind to go out of his way.
Answer. Amen.
Minister.Cursed is he that perverteth the judgement of the stranger, the fatherless, and widow.
Answer. Amen.
Minister.Cursed is he that smiteth his neighbour secretly.
Answer. Amen.
Minister.Cursed is he that lieth with his neighbour's wife.
Answer. Amen.
Minister.Cursed is he that taketh reward to slay the innocent.
Answer. Amen.
Minister.Cursed is he that putteth his trust in man, and taketh man for his defence, and in his heart goeth from the Lord.
Answer. Amen.
Minister.Cursed are the unmerciful, fornicators, and adulterers, covetous persons, idolaters, slanderers, drunkards, and extortioners.
Answer. Amen.
Minister.
NOW seeing that all they are accursed (as the prophet David beareth witness) who do err and go astray from the commandments of God; let us (remembering the dreadful judgement hanging over our heads, and always ready to fall upon us) return unto our Lord God, with all contrition and meekness of heart; bewailing and lamenting our sinful life, acknowledging and confessing our offences, and seeking to bring forth worthy fruits of penance. For now is the axe put unto the root of the trees, so that every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire.
It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God: he shall pour down rain upon the sinners, snares, fire and brimstone, storm and tempest; this shall be their portion to drink. For lo, the Lord is come out of his place to visit the wickedness of such as dwell upon the earth. But who may abide the day of his coming? Who shall be able to endure when he appeareth? His fan is in his hand, and he will purge his floor, and gather his wheat into the bam; but he will burn the chaff with unquenchable fire. The day of the Lord cometh as a thief in the night: and when men shall say, Peace, and all things are safe, then shall sudden destruction come upon them, as sorrow cometh upon a woman travailing with child, and they shall not escape.
Then shall appear the wrath of God in the day of vengeance, which obstinate sinners, through the stubbornness of their heart, have heaped unto them, selves; which despised the goodness, patience, and long, sufferance of God, when he calleth them continually to repentance. Then shall they call upon me, (saith the Lord,) but I will not hear; they shall seek me early, but they shall not find me; and that, because they hated knowledge, and received not the fear of the Lord, but abhorred my counsel, and despised my correction.
Then shall it be too late to knock when the door shall be shut; and too late to cry for mercy when it is the time of justice. O terrible voice of most just judgement, which shall be pronounced upon them, when it shall be said unto them, Go, ye cursed, into the fire everlasting, which is prepared for the devil and his angels.
Therefore, brethren, take we heed betime, while the day of salvation lasteth; for the night cometh, when none can work. But let us, while we have the light, believe in the light, and walk as children of the light; that we be not cast into utter darkness, where is weeping and gnashing of teeth. Let us not abuse the goodness of God, who calleth us mercifully to amendment, and of his endless pity promiseth us forgiveness of that which is past, if with a perfect and true heart we return unto him. For though our sins be as red as scarlet, they shall be made white as snow; and though they be like purple, yet they shall be made white as wool.
Turn ye (saith the Lord) from all your wickedness, and your sin shall not be your destruction: Cast away from you all your ungodliness that ye have done: Make you new hearts, and a new spirit: Wherefore will ye die, O ye house of Israel, seeing that I have no pleasure in the death of him that dieth, saith the Lord God? Turn ye then, and ye shall live. Although we have sinned, yet have we an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous; and he is the propitiation for our sins. For he was wounded for our offences, and smitten for our wickedness.
Let us therefore return unto him, who is the merciful receiver of all true penitent sinners; assuring ourselves that he is ready to receive us, and most willing to pardon us, if we come unto him with faithful repentance; if we submit ourselves unto him, and from henceforth walk in his ways; if we will take his easy yoke, and light burden upon us, to follow him in lowliness, patience, and charity, and be ordered by the governance of his Holy Spirit; seeking always his glory, and serving him duly in our vocation with thanksgiving: This if we do, Christ will deliver us from the curse of the law, and from the extreme malediction which shall light upon them that shall be set on the left hand; and he will set us on his right hand, and give us the gracious benediction of his Father, commanding us to take possession of his glorious kingdom: Unto which he vouchsafe to bring us all, for his infinite mercy.
Amen.
Then shall they all kneel upon their knees, and the Priest and Clerks kneeling (in the place where they are accustomed to say the Litany) shall say this Psalm.
Miserere mei, deus. Psalm 51
HAVE mercy upon me, O God, after thy great goodness: according to the multitude of thy mercies do away mine offences.
Wash me thoroughly from my wickedness: and cleanse me from my sin.
For I acknowledge my faults: and my sin is ever before me.
Against thee only have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified in thy saying, and clear when thou art judged.
Behold, I was shapen in wickedness: and in sin hath my mother conceived me.
But lo, thou requirest truth in the inward parts: and shalt make me to understand wisdom secretly.
Thou shalt purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: thou shalt wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Thou shalt make me hear of joy and gladness: that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice.
Turn thy face away from my sins: and put out all my misdeeds.
Make me a clean heart, O God: and renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from thy presence: and take not thy Holy Spirit from me.
O give me the comfort of thy help again: and stablish me with thy free Spirit.
Then shall I teach thy ways unto the wicked: and sinners shall be converted unto thee.
Deliver me from blood guiltiness, O God, thou that art the God of my health: and my tongue shall sing of thy righteousness.
Thou shalt open my lips, O Lord: and my mouth shall shew thy praise.
For thou desirest no sacrifice, else would I give it thee: but thou delightest not in burnt-offerings.
The sacrifice of God is a troubled spirit: a broken and contrite heart, O God, shalt thou not despise.
O be favourable and gracious unto Sion: build thou the walls of Jerusalem.
Then shalt thou be pleased with the sacrifice of righteousness, with the burnt-offerings and ablations: then shall they offer young bullocks upon thine attar.
Glory be to the Father, and to the Son: and to the Holy Ghost;
Answer. As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be: world without end.
Amen.
Lord, have mercy upon us.
Christ, have mercy upon us.
Lord, have mercy upon us.
Our Father, which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy Name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, As we forgive them that trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation; But deliver us from evil.
Amen.
Minister.O Lord, save thy servants;
Answer.That put their trust in thee.
Minister.Send unto them help from above.
Answer.And evermore mightily defend them.
Minister.Help us, O God our Saviour.
Answer.And for the glory of thy Name deliver us; be merciful to us sinners, for thy Name's sake.
Minister.O Lord, hear our prayer.
Answer.And let our cry come unto thee.
Minister.Let us pray.
O LORD, we beseech thee, mercifully hear our prayers, and spare all those who confess their sins unto thee; that they, whose consciences by sin are accused, by thy merciful pardon may be absolved; through Christ our Lord.
Amen.
O MOST mighty God, and merciful Father, who hast compassion upon all men, and hatest nothing that thou hast made; who wouldest not the death of a sinner, but that he should rather turn from his sin, and be saved: Mercifully forgive us our trespasses; receive and comfort us, who are grieved and wearied with the burden of our sins. Thy property is always to have mercy; to thee only it appertaineth to forgive sins. Spare us therefore, good Lord, spare thy people, whom thou hast redeemed; enter not into judgement with thy servants, who are vile earth, and miserable sinners; but so turn thine anger from us, who meekly acknowledge our vileness, and truly repent us of our faults, and so make haste to help us in this world, that we may ever live with thee in the world to come; through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Amen.
Then shall the people say this that followeth, after the Minister.
TURN thou us, O good Lord, and so shall we be turned. Be favourable, O Lord, Be favourable to thy people, Who turn to thee in weeping, fasting, and praying. For thou art a merciful God, Full of compassion. Longsuffering, and of great pity. Thou sparest when we deserve punishment, And in thy wrath thinkest upon mercy. Spare thy people, good Lord, spare them, And let not thine heritage be brought to confusion. Hear us, O Lord, for thy mercy is great, And after the multitude of thy mercies look upon us; Through the merits and mediation of thy blessed Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.
Amen.
Then the Minister alone shall say
The Lord bless us, and keep us; the Lord lift up the light of his countenance upon us, and give us peace, now and for evermore.
Amen.
[ 22. February 2007, 16:25: Message edited by: ken ]
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Ken
L’amor che move il sole e l’altre stelle.
Posts: 39579 | From: London | Registered: Mar 2002
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The Bede's American Successor
Curmudgeon-in-Training
# 5042
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Posted
Thank you, Ken.
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This was the iniquity of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters had pride of wealth and food in plenty, comfort and ease, and yet she never helped the poor and the wretched.
—Ezekiel 16.49
Posts: 6079 | From: The banks of Possession Sound | Registered: Oct 2003
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Laura
General nuisance
# 10
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Posted
I think that is straight out of my UK Book of Common Prayer. I think we should give An Order of Commination an airing more often.
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Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence. - Erich Fromm
Posts: 16883 | From: East Coast, USA | Registered: Apr 2001
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mousethief
Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by The Bede's American Successor:
quote:
Originally posted by MouseThief:
Um, my point was that this is a fun thread that I'm enjoying. Hence the "I love this website" and the shower-of-hearts smiley. Get it? Get it?
So, maybe then you could inform us what troparion the Orthodoxen use when you have one of your frequent spats. It might be useful here.
I have a whole web page devoted to making fun of Orthodox spats and such. Pay attention.
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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...
Posts: 63536 | From: Washington | Registered: Jul 2001
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Spiffy
Ship's WonderSheep
# 5267
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Posted
I can't believe I forgot my favorite bible verse ever is wholly appropriate:
quote:
Think of the work of God, for who is able to make straight what He has not made straight?
Ecclesiastes 7:13 (New Life Version)
[ 22. February 2007, 17:42: Message edited by: Spiffy da WonderSheep ]
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Looking for a simple solution to all life's problems? We are proud to present obstinate denial. Accept no substitute. Accept nothing.
--Night Vale Radio Twitter Account
Posts: 10281 | From: Beervana | Registered: Dec 2003
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ken
Ship's Roundhead
# 2460
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Laura:
I think that is straight out of my UK Book of Common Prayer. I think we should give An Order of Commination an airing more often.
I had intended to parody it, but when I started to read it I decided it wasn't neccessary. It does fine as it is.
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Ken
L’amor che move il sole e l’altre stelle.
Posts: 39579 | From: London | Registered: Mar 2002
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mousethief
Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by ToujoursDan:
...and I love the hate mail you get (is it real?)
Sadly, yes.
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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...
Posts: 63536 | From: Washington | Registered: Jul 2001
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Laura
General nuisance
# 10
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by ken:
I had intended to parody it, but when I started to read it I decided it wasn't neccessary. It does fine as it is.
It can't be parodied. Like the current U.S. president.
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Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence. - Erich Fromm
Posts: 16883 | From: East Coast, USA | Registered: Apr 2001
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PhilA
shipocaster
# 8792
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Posted
For the music group to sing during communion:
Jesus loves me this I know
For my Primate tells me so
He protects me from the rest
Who try to lift my nice lace vest
Yes Jesus loves me
Yes Jesus loves me
Yes Jesus loves me
My primate tells me so
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To err is human. To arr takes a pirate.
Posts: 3121 | From: Sofa | Registered: Nov 2004
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Oscar the Grouch
Adopted Cascadian
# 1916
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Posted
I keep reading "commination" as "contamination" - which I think is actually rather appropriate. An Order of Contamination is exactly what the Akinolists should be saying.
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Faradiu, dundeibáwa weyu lárigi weyu
Posts: 3871 | From: Gamma Quadrant, just to the left of Galifrey | Registered: Dec 2001
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