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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Hell: The Dar es Salaam order of service
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The Silent Acolyte
Shipmate
# 1158
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Posted
Bede, Lighten up on MT. I'm usually the humorless git, not you.
Posts: 7462 | From: The New World | Registered: Aug 2001
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mousethief
Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by The Silent Acolyte:
Bede, Lighten up on MT. I'm usually the humorless git, not you.
Is that sort of like keeping the bully from beating up your little brother because only you have the right to beat up your little brother? ![[Help]](graemlins/help.gif)
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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...
Posts: 63536 | From: Washington | Registered: Jul 2001
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comet
Snowball in Hell
# 10353
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Posted
shup, bro. I'll deal with you later.
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Evil Dragon Lady, Breaker of Men's Constitutions
"It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.” -Calvin
Posts: 17024 | From: halfway between Seduction and Peril | Registered: Sep 2005
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fisher
Shipmate
# 9080
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Posted
I'm no good at this sort of thing - at best, somebody could take my quarter-baked ideas and improve on them.
For music, would "Bind us together, Lord" be any use? If not, how about an organ voluntary on the theme of "D-I-V-O-R-C-E" or a recessional hymn of "I will survive" sung in 60-part disharmony?
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"Down, down, presumptuous human reason!" But somehow they found out I was not a real bishop at all G. K. Chesterton
Posts: 1327 | From: London | Registered: Feb 2005
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John Holding
Coffee and Cognac
# 158
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Posted
Has anyone noticed that you can substitute "Akinola" for "Alleluia" in just about any hymn? Not that any of us would use the forbidden word in this season of Lent, of course. But just think -- instead of "praise God" we could just chant the name of the Primate of Nigeria. And would anyone know the difference...
John
Posts: 5929 | From: Ottawa, Canada | Registered: May 2001
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Ginga
Ship's lurker
# 1899
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Posted
Maybe there's a God above
But all you've ever taught of love
Is how to make a global church fall over.
And there's no complaint you'll hear tonight
About your abuse of human rights,
Just support of your crusade against granola.
Akinola, Akinola
Akinola,
Akino-o-ola
*with apologies for obvious bias and maybe a tiny simplification of some complex issues for the sake of scantion.
Posts: 1075 | From: London | Registered: Nov 2001
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Louise
Shipmate
# 30
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Posted
The Greeting
President - The Nigerian Police be with you
Congregation- And also with thy boyfriend!
The prayer of preparation
Almighty God,
before whom all closets are open,
all desires known,
and from whom no secrets are hidden:
Please, for God's sake don't tell anyone what we fantasise about.
Amen
President - My brothers and sisters, as we prepare to celebrate the presence of Christ. Let us call to mind and confess everyone else's sins but our own. It's more fun that way! We're looking at you, Bishop Squidlover.
Everyone shall turn round and glare at the Americans.
The Epistle from the Shorter Letters of St Akinola to the Cantabrians
The Archbishop of Nigeria - 'L'Église, C'est moi!'
Congregation - 'Oh no, it isn't!'
Small embarrassingly humble voice - OH YES, IT IS!
Congo - "Look behind you! - it's Gene Robinson!"
Archbish - "Aaaaaaaargh!"
(There will be an interlude for the miraculous healing of the back injury as the Archbishop sprints from the church)
Gospel reading Luke 10:30-35 (New Windsor Version)
30“A gay man fell among theives, who stripped him, wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead.
31 Now by chance a certain priest came down that road. And when
he saw him, he passed by on the other side.
32 Likewise a Levite, when he arrived at the place, came and
looked, and passed by on the other side.
33 But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was and he too looked and passed by on the other side
34 And the wounded man said feebly, 'Excuse me, you're the Samaritan, could you possibly help?'
35. And he replied 'Sorry, but we haven't got a theological consensus on that one.'
President - This is the word according to the Primates!
All - Thank God, we're not gay!
The sermon by the Archbishop of Canterbury
"Dearly beloved, Don't you know that everytime a little American says 'I believe in fairies!' the Holy Spirit is greived to the heart and somewhere in Nigeria, a little policeman cries?
Congo (loudly) - WE BELIEVE IN FAIRIES!
Archbish - You're all being very naughty.
Hymn - St Patrick's Chastity belt (tune- 'No pasaran!')
I bind unto myself today
Hetero-sexu-alitee!
By invocation of the same
No gay shall have their way with me!.
I ban the gays that wed in church
By power of faith, Christ’s incarnation;
His baptism in Jordan river,
His death on Cross for my salvation;
His bursting from the spicèd tomb,
His riding up the heavenly way,
His coming at the day of doom
We bind our Church against the gays!
The Dismissal
Primates - "Back into the closet and try and think you're in Narnia!"
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Now you need never click a Daily Mail link again! Kittenblock replaces Mail links with calming pics of tea and kittens! http://www.teaandkittens.co.uk/ Click under 'other stuff' to find it.
Posts: 6918 | From: Scotland | Registered: May 2001
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comet
Snowball in Hell
# 10353
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Posted
Louise: ![[Overused]](graemlins/notworthy.gif)
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Evil Dragon Lady, Breaker of Men's Constitutions
"It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.” -Calvin
Posts: 17024 | From: halfway between Seduction and Peril | Registered: Sep 2005
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
(Laughter sending me into coughing fit.)
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Ann
Curious
# 94
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Posted
Wonderful, Louise!
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Ann
Posts: 3271 | From: IO 91 PI | Registered: May 2001
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ToujoursDan
Ship's prole
# 10578
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Posted
I just blew coffee all over my computer [again]. I need to invest is come kind of plastic cover.
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"Many people say I embarrass them with my humility" - Archbishop Peter Akinola
Facebook link: http://www.facebook.com/toujoursdan
Posts: 3734 | From: NYC | Registered: Oct 2005
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Jahlove
Tied to the mast
# 10290
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Posted
The report I read said it would make calamari rings as big as tractor tyres. A change from prawn crackers but I bet it makes the Baby Cthulhu cry.
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“Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth.” - Mark Twain
Posts: 6477 | From: Alice's Restaurant (UK Franchise) | Registered: Sep 2005
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The Bede's American Successor
Curmudgeon-in-Training
# 5042
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Posted
6. For our Enemies
O God, the Father of all, whose Son commanded us to love our enemies: Lead them and us from prejudice to truth; deliver them and us from hatred, cruelty, and revenge; and in your good time enable us all to stand reconciled before you; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
(Page 816, 1979 BCP-US)
7. For the Church
Gracious Father, we pray for thy holy Catholic Church. Fill it with all truth, in all truth with all peace. Where it is corrupt, purify it; where it is in error, direct it; where in any thing it is amis, reform it. Where it is right, stregnthen it; where it is in want, provide for it; where it is divided, reunited it; for the sake of Jesus Christ thy Son our Savior. Amen.
(Page 816, 1979 BCP-US)
14. For the Unity of the Church
O God the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, our only Savior, the Prince of Peace: Give us grace seriously to lay to heart the great dangers we are in by our unhappy divisions; take away all hatred and prejudice, and whatever else may hinder us from godly union and concord; that, as there is but one Body and one Spirit, one hope of our calling, one Lord, one Faith, one Baptism, one God and Father of us all, so we may be all of one heart and of one soul, united in one holy bond of truth and peace, of faith and charity, and may with one mind and one mouth glorify thee; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
(Page 818, 1979 BCP-US)
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This was the iniquity of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters had pride of wealth and food in plenty, comfort and ease, and yet she never helped the poor and the wretched.
—Ezekiel 16.49
Posts: 6079 | From: The banks of Possession Sound | Registered: Oct 2003
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georgiaboy
Shipmate
# 11294
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Sarkycow:
In a moment of inspiration, God gave me this song:
The Church's One Foundation
The Church's one foundation
Is Jesus Christ! You're wrong!
And poofters who are active
Can't join our happy throng.
The women priests who celebrate
Will make the angels weep,
In love we must reject them;
No priestesses for the sheep.
The Church's one foundation
Is Jesus Christ! You're wrong!
And fundi evo bigots
Can't sing our Gospel song.
They pick and choose the verses
They follow and believe -
The Holy Spirit's left them;
We fear they've been deceived.
Anyone got any more verses? Obviously I reserve the right to tell you what you write is from Satan not God ![[Biased]](wink.gif)
Sarkycow
To continue:
The Church's one foundation
Is sinking in the sand,
The waves are quickly rising,
There's no place left to stand.
The primates may be able
To sign the bottom line,
But folks at home are liable
To think it wasted time.
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You can't retire from a calling.
Posts: 1675 | From: saint meinrad, IN | Registered: Apr 2006
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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
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Posted
I think they should be using these hymns: With the BCP Service of Commination, supplemented with readings:
1 Samuel 20:20-42
Judges 4: 6-21
Mathew 8: 5-13
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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
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Saint Hedrin the Lesser-Known
Shipmate
# 11399
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Chapelhead:
Can I point out that Dr Schori is not only a saint, but has a halo to prove it (scroll 1/3 way down). Meanwhile Dr Williams has acquired a personal helicopter-backpack, with which to make a quick getaway.
Very ... iconic? *crowd groans*
And here's me waiting for [b]Lambeth 2008: The Musical[/i]! It'll feature a big production number of the "global South" bishops and primates in a rousing rendition of "Lambeth Walk (out)."
![[Ultra confused]](graemlins/confused2.gif)
Posts: 1833 | From: Manila, Philippines | Registered: May 2006
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Chapelhead
I am
# 21
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Chapelhead:
Can I point out that Dr Schori is not only a saint, but has a halo to prove it (scroll 1/3 way down).
With reference to that picture, is the reason +Akinola did not attend the Eucharist his opposition to the presence of two strings of fairly lights on the altar?
In this order of service should we have a choice between fairy cakes and angel cakes with the after-service coffee?
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At times like this I find myself thinking, what would the Amish do?
Posts: 9123 | From: Near where I was before. | Registered: Aug 2001
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Manx Taffy
Shipmate
# 301
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Chapelhead:
Can I point out that Dr Schori is not only a saint, but has a halo to prove it (scroll 1/3 way down). Meanwhile Dr Williams has acquired a personal helicopter-backpack, with which to make a quick getaway.
..... are you sure that's not just his halo that understandably has slipped some what?
Posts: 397 | From: Isle of Man | Registered: May 2001
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Rossweisse
High Church Valkyrie
# 2349
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Posted
Louise:
I think the service could use just a few tweaks.
The celebrant should be some random layman from Sydney, since that sort of thing doesn't seem to bother +++Peter Akinola. At least, the idea of "lay presidency" doesn't bother him nearly as much as exposure to the co-equal contagions of Poofters and Girl Cooties.
The psalm is 137:7-9:
7 Remember the day of Jerusalem, O Lord,
against the people of Edom,*
who said, "Down with it! down with it!
even to the ground!"
8 O Daughter of Babylon, doomed to destruction,*
happy the one who pays you back
for what you have done to us!
9 Happy shall he be who takes your little ones,
and dashes them against the rock!
The communion hymn is #661, "They cast their nets in Galilee:"
quote:
The peace of God, it is no peace,
but strife sealed in the sod...
Ross
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I'm not dead yet.
Posts: 15117 | From: Valhalla | Registered: Feb 2002
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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
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Posted
I still think we should have these three bible passages:
1 Samuel 20:20-42
Judges 4:6-21
Mathew 8:5-13
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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Chapelhead:
In this order of service should we have a choice between fairy cakes and angel cakes with the after-service coffee?
And...just annoy them on the whole "girls are bad, priestesses worse, and don't call God 'She'" thing...cakes for the Queen of Heaven.
![[Yipee]](graemlins/spin.gif) ![[Two face]](graemlins/scot_twoface.gif)
Louise et al
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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Rossweisse
High Church Valkyrie
# 2349
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Posted
Oh, yes, GK -- the Sydney layman should defniteily celebrate the Eucharist with raisin cakes. How could we forget?
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I'm not dead yet.
Posts: 15117 | From: Valhalla | Registered: Feb 2002
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