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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Heaven: A merry chaos of creativity, comedy - but no questions
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RooK
1 of 6
# 1852
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Posted
Long have I squatted in the dark seething nether regions, chuckling malevolently to myself over some petty cruelty or other. Yet often there were times when I would look up to the Header of Heaven, and wonder what a chaos of creativity really meant, and how it was distilled into comedy. And it could happen - we've all seen it. Sure, not all the time, but often enough to fill a thread with reminescences of Heaven Threads past.
To figure this out I stalked Belisarius and, after studying his habits, abducted him and conducted a thorough autopsy. Bizarrely, he turned out to be filled with Jello Pudding, packed about a frame of twisted wires (possibly coathangers) and littered with firecrackers (probably duds). (Don't worry, I put him back together again - mostly. I am not sure where the lime peel was supposed to go.)
Failing this, I unleashed all of my most vile blackmails to force Erin to make me an Administrator so that I could peer at the workings behind Heaven itself - hoping that this would give me the fundamental answer to the chaotic comedy wrought from creativity.
Slinkies. It's full of Slinkies.
I understand none of it. Where to turn next in my investigation? To whom shall I turn for answers (and entrails)?
[ 30. October 2009, 09:39: Message edited by: Firenze ]
Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001
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mousethief
Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953
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Posted
I'm busy all this week.
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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...
Posts: 63536 | From: Washington | Registered: Jul 2001
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
How are you at self-vivisection, RooK? One of my favorite creations of "merry chaos" was Puppet Fights!
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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RooK
1 of 6
# 1852
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Posted
The wild and untamed Mousethief prances from the edge of the wood and tosses his mayne - carefully calculated to give best effect to showing off his magical horne. Snorting contempt at the would-be hunters, he casually tramples the innocent virgins they've laid out as bait as he descends upon the watering hole. What do they think, that he is something merely fey, like a unicorne?
Fools.
Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
Virgin virgins. (Have you never heard the term 'extra virgin'?)
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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opaWim
Shipmate
# 11137
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Posted
Referring to the Fitzwilliam Virginal Book seems unavoidable now.
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It's the Thirties all over again, possibly even worse.
Posts: 524 | From: The Marshes | Registered: Mar 2006
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
Not forgetting the Fitzwilliam Slapper Book, with its interesting doxieologies.
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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Adeodatus
Shipmate
# 4992
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
Long have I squatted....
I think we've heard quite enough about your seething nether regions, thanks all the same. After all, I've heard it alleged this is a Christian website....
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"What is broken, repair with gold."
Posts: 9779 | From: Manchester | Registered: Sep 2003
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RooK
1 of 6
# 1852
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Posted
From across the meadow, looking upon the shimmering splendour of the Mousethief as he slakes his thirst, the wiley Lamb Chopped trembles with excitement.
"Look at the size of that guy's horne!"
She paws herself with a quick preening motion, careful to rid herself of any stray bones that may be tangled in her fur. Then, poofing out her tail to make herself look bigger, she fights to control her enthusiasm as she bounds lightly over to the drinking hole.
The majestic Mousethief raises his noble head to cooly regard the approaching fox, and thinks to himself, "Shit. Another groupie."
"Hello Master Mousethief!" The Lamb Chopped stops approaching but can't stop moving, fidgeting as she speaks. Squirming, even.
The Mousethief utters a curt snort by means of reply, but raises an eyebrow in that provocative sort of way that only gifted man-whores can accomplish. Because while he thinks little of the Lamb Chopped, that doesn't mean he isn't considering polishing his ego with her.
"Can I rub your horne?"
"Vulgar slattern!" The Mousethief is insulted, so he flashes her his pale hindquarters and leaps away.
The Lamb Chopped grins; the chase will now begin in earnest.
Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001
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mousethief
Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953
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Posted
I'm sorry you lost your job, RooK. What are the prospects for your getting another soon?
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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...
Posts: 63536 | From: Washington | Registered: Jul 2001
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Chorister
Completely Frocked
# 473
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Posted
It's babies. It does that to a man.
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Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.
Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
Ooh--a reprise of the (regrettably, pre-Oblivion) thread A Meteor Hits Heaven, which evolved into Walking with Shipmates. Taking it where we left off...
The Pope's blurting of "How did Dan Brown find out about that?" has triggered record lacepantisis levels in Ecclesiantics, effectively ending Heaven's Ice Age. The aftermath is chaotic, but far from merry.
The Mousethief and Lamb Chopped are but two of the many invading species in conflict with Heaven's former masters, the latter struggling in a world changed beyond recognition.
A pair of Megarookids, its species the last holdover from the original great Helliforme invasion, slogs through a particularly dense field of TV Show threads. The male Megarookid, with his distinctive hairless patches, loses his temper at the slow rate of progress; pulling out the Saved by the Bell thread, he rips and pummels it to shreds. The female has borne young; they must feed soon.
As if on cue, a Sinenominoid appears on an outcropping and proceeds to sun itself. Absent from Heaven for millennia, the boldest individuals are leaving their time-shares to recolonize, the opportunity for making catty comments about newcomers too strong to resist.
The male Megarookid quickly evaluates the strange new creature. Hunger overcoming caution, he ferociously leaps, hoping for an easy meal.
The Megarookid, of course, is completely unaware of the Sinenominoid's tool-making skills. The male crashes to the ground, roaring with pain and rage, a small, fork-like projectile embedded in his face.
As the Sinenominoid makes a leisurely exit, the female Megarookid tsks and approaches her mate, formulating a soothing affirmation exercise...
[ 08. June 2010, 17:38: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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opaWim
Shipmate
# 11137
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Zappa:
Though fecal flakes are a recurring motif ...
Fecal flakes? ![[Confused]](confused.gif)
Darn! I just realized we're out of Chocolate Chip Cookies, again!
[ 10. August 2009, 18:33: Message edited by: joris2 ]
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It's the Thirties all over again, possibly even worse.
Posts: 524 | From: The Marshes | Registered: Mar 2006
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Mamacita
Lakefront liberal
# 3659
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Belisarius:
The male [Sinenominoid] crashes to the ground, roaring with pain and rage, a small, fork-like projectile embedded in his face.
And did he not suffer rug burns in the process?
quote:
As the Sinenominoid makes a leisurely exit, the female Megarookid tsks and approaches her mate, formulating a soothing affirmation exercise...
But first she must carefully negotiate her way over the enormous stack of book threads, until she arrives, spent, her paws stained with ink.
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Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world’s grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it.
Posts: 20761 | From: where the purple line ends | Registered: Dec 2002
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jedijudy
Organist of the Jedi Temple
# 333
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Posted
Ink? I thought it was all the stooberries ripening on the vines.
A gathering of fluffy bunnies hop about, filling their lacy panty baskets with the delectable treats...
Unfortunately the megarookid squashes a slow bunny.
Oh well.
He uses the fork-like implement to scrape the coney from his megatoes. It's just not the same without the distinctive "crunch" one gets when eating the still-hopping version.
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Jasmine, little cat with a big heart.
Posts: 18017 | From: 'Twixt the 'Glades and the Gulf | Registered: Aug 2001
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RooK
1 of 6
# 1852
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by neoBelisarius:
A Meteor Hits Heaven, which evolved into Walking with Shipmates.
THAT was its title; was trying to find it. I seem to recall that I was a diminutive bird-like creature last time...
The lumbering and painfully obvious Megarookid shrugs at the lingering jedijude and teeters forward from its bird-like posture to lick the remains of the bunny-goo from its toes. Then he casts his bemused gaze across the clearing to follow the chase of the darting Lambe Chopped after the bounding Mousethiefe.
At which point a squalling proto-Megarookid was thrust into the male Megarookids arms, utterly impeding his ability to watch events unfold.
Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
"Alas, fayre Florimell, endlesslye chas'd, and endlesslye chaste!.. Drat, I'm in the wrong poem. Let's try again.
The wily Lamb Chopped considers her quarrie, and his exceptionall horne; realyzes thatt onlie a vyrginne (drat this spelling) can hope to capture the Bounding Mousethiefe and bereave him of his Horne; and turns from the Chase to consider where she might find one of these Raritees.
Replies on a poste-carde please.
[ 11. August 2009, 02:40: Message edited by: Lamb Chopped ]
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
Lamb Chopped realized that her only hope was to find the virgin or vyrginne Maxdot, put a rein on him, and lead him to the Mousethief's meadow. This was a weighty problem because nothing in this world had been known to pin down the Maxdot let alone rein him in. His songs of simple praise wafted thither and yon over the fields and hills. But if anyone sought to detain him with a serious snare, he'd stop singing and make a theological sound so outrageous that the hunter would gasp in disbelief and the Maxdot would slip through his grasp and be away and gone and none the worse.
Lamb needed a Plan.
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
Dang, maybe I was in the right poem after all.
Lamb appealed to the inhabitants. "Ye all do know the Maxdot well," she cried. "What may tempt him, that I may capture his virginal selfe and use him in my Heinous Trappe?"
[ 11. August 2009, 11:00: Message edited by: Lamb Chopped ]
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
Dr Heinous Trappe, Alchemist, Necromancer and General Dealer, sniggered quietly from the shade of a passing Upas tree.
"Little does the Lamb know, as she goes about to ensnare the wambling Maxdot, that she herself is my prey! Igor!"
"Yessir! What's it to be, today? More brains?"
Trappe sighed. "The lisp, Igor. And the shuffle. Now, organise a staff meeting for this afternoon, at my lair".
"Yessiree! I mean, Yethuree! Hot diggedy. Digithy."
Meanwhile, in yet another part of the forest...
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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The Weeder
Shipmate
# 11321
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
Meanwhile, in yet another part of the forest...
....fluffy bunnies began to weep
[ 11. August 2009, 17:28: Message edited by: The Weeder ]
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Still missing the gator
Posts: 2542 | From: LaLa Land | Registered: Apr 2006
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
What should have been a joyous return to their world had become a nightmare.
Before the Impact, the Fluffy Bunnies had become sentient enough to send their best and fluffiest through a wormhole of their devising. Not sentient enough, however, to control the wormhole's destination.
Monstrous descendants of Hell's vermin now stalked the land--had already claimed a victim. Multiple story threads incestuously intertwined. What would the bunnies do?...
[ 11. August 2009, 18:05: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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jedijudy
Organist of the Jedi Temple
# 333
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Belisarius:
What would the bunnies do?...
Bunns of the state of Mayne! And all the other Bunns, too! We must unite. The mayhem in our faire Heaven is too much to bear.
Daisy! You are in charge of heavy weaponry!
Cadbury! You are the leader of the Early Alert System. All you lops thump together whenever you detect any twisted and evil things among the threads.
We should choose a hellion to brainwash...someone who will be a spy for us. Who should we choose?
Hmmm...Gort? comet? She would be good, we could make her think she's a Reindeer. Any ideas, Fluffy Ones?
[speleink]
[ 11. August 2009, 20:12: Message edited by: jedijudy ]
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Jasmine, little cat with a big heart.
Posts: 18017 | From: 'Twixt the 'Glades and the Gulf | Registered: Aug 2001
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
"Order!"
Trappe rapped the table sharply with a rabbit skull.
Crazed yellow eyes turned in his direction. And opaque black ones, not so much mad as pitiless. In fact, there wasn't a sane eye in the place.
He banged the fragile dome of bone again, and it shattered.
"Igor" he muttered "Another bunny. I just need the head. Give the rest to Comet, it might stop her slavering for a bit."
"You goth it, master!"
"Now, Hellspawn, I want you to listen carefully...
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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KenWritez
Shipmate
# 3238
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
...[Belisarius] turned out to be filled with Jello Pudding....
What flavor?
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"The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd." --Quentin Tarantino, Pulp Fiction
My blog: http://oxygenofgrace.blogspot.com
Posts: 11102 | From: Left coast of Wonderland, by the rabbit hole | Registered: Aug 2002
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RooK
1 of 6
# 1852
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Posted
quote:
What flavor?
Originally, it was butterscotch. Naturally. I didn't have enough pudding for the refill, though. He's bursting with low-fat yogurt now.
Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001
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RooK
1 of 6
# 1852
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Posted
Ms. Boofyfluff wrinkled her pert little pink nose with dissatisfaction. "I say Mr. Cadbury, does she really mean for us to consort directly with... you know... see-oh-em-ee-tee?"
Cadbury casually removed the monacle from his right eye, polished it carefully, and placed it in position for his left eye. "Oh, indeed my dear Boofyfluff. I dare say it's a jolly wretched job for whichever poor lops are lined up for it."
"Heavens! Lined up, Mr. Cadbury?"
"Quite, Ms. Boofyfluff. The basic idea being that after a suitable number of bunnies have been consumed, the harridan will become temporarily sated, giving the remaining missionaries a brief respite in which to conduct discourse."
"How ghastly, Mr. Cadbury!"
"Indeed, Ms. Boofyfluff."
"Is there no other way, Mr. Cadbury?"
Cadbury paused to reflect, automatically doing the monacle transfer again out of habit. "Ummm, I can't think of anything else, Ms. Boofyfluff."
"Oh, I see, Mr. Cadbury. What if we fucked her up?"
"I'm sorry, Ms. Boofyfluff?"
"You know, Mr. Cadbury, pop a cap in her ass, or something of that sort."
"Ms. Boofyfluff?"
"Or, I don't know Mr. Cadbury, bash her up the side of the head with a motherfucking brick and then hire some well-endowed viagra-and-meth-stoked vagrants to ream her up the ass. I'm sure she'd be much less willing to fuck with us then."
"Ms. Boofyfluff!"
"Or maybe we could send her some nice choccies in the post with a nice note asking for her help, Mr. Cadbury? Mr. Cadbury? Oh, my! Mr. Cadbury seems to have developed narcolepsy!"
Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
Trappe took the still warm and sticky bunny head from the eager Igor. He squinted at the distorted features: "I'm surprised you managed to catch her! I suppose she got her feet tangled in her cassock".
He turned to address the meeting once more. But the scent of fresh blood had maddened them further.
Guildenstern was running around as usual, throwing himself into the jaws of all and sundry, shrieking "Bite me!" while a small skunk darted into the fray, whining "Kick me!" colliding with a wizened revenant who whacked at it with his copy of the Daily Mail, batting it into the air where amid a volley of gunfire and shouts of "Damn gubbermint!" it exploded into a cloud of fur and giblets.
Trappe sighed. This was all going to be more difficult than he had thought.
[ 12. August 2009, 11:43: Message edited by: Firenze ]
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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The Weeder
Shipmate
# 11321
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Posted
and then he thought of the perfect sacrifice..... YORICK
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Still missing the gator
Posts: 2542 | From: LaLa Land | Registered: Apr 2006
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
But then, given Guildenstern's propensities, perhaps not. Heinous Trappe smiled thinly. As a sadist he knew the cruellest thing to say to a maschochist was 'No'.
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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Pax Romana
Shipmate
# 4653
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Posted
Excuse me ... um ... excuse me.
I seem to be lost. I think I have wandered into the wrong part of the forest and I don't know how to find my way. And people are talking about virgins and fecal flakes and Jello Pudding and Fluffy Bunnies.
Can somebody please help me?
Pax Romana
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I used to wake up at 4 A.M. and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness.
James Thurber
Posts: 4598 | From: New York City | Registered: Jun 2003
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jedijudy
Organist of the Jedi Temple
# 333
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Posted
Daisy looks up at Ms Pax Romana. "Yeah, Honey. We-uns can help yous, but in order to be led out'a dis place, yous has to help all us-uns dwarf bunns wit the heavy artillery.
"See dose big ole coconuts? Well, yous just has to put them in this dried-up puddle, and we-uns are gonna piddle on 'em. Save us-uns all the woik o' gittin' them moved, y'see? There ain't nothin' stinkier than bunny pee."
Poor Pax could see no other choice, she starts flinging coconuts to the indicated area. Dwarf bunns might be small, but they are tough !
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Jasmine, little cat with a big heart.
Posts: 18017 | From: 'Twixt the 'Glades and the Gulf | Registered: Aug 2001
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Otter
Shipmate
# 12020
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Posted
An Otter lurks behind a tree, trying to think of something clever...
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The plural of "anecdote" is not "data", YMMV, limited-time offer, IANAL, no purchase required, and the state of CA has found this substance to cause cancer in laboratory aminals
Posts: 1429 | From: Chicago, IL 'burbs | Registered: Nov 2006
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Pax Romana
Shipmate
# 4653
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Posted
Oof! My arm hurts from throwing all those coconuts. And I didn't even get to split one open and eat it!
Of course, I would not WANT to eat one after the dwarf bunnies have peed all over it.
Ah me! Whatever will I do?!
*is overcome by an attack of the vapors and falls to the ground*
Pax Romana
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********************
I used to wake up at 4 A.M. and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness.
James Thurber
Posts: 4598 | From: New York City | Registered: Jun 2003
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
"No, Ms. Boofyfluff--I thought you have might have this gift--this terrible, terrible gift..."
Ms. Boofyfluff bowed her head in deep respect as Professor Flopsy arthritically hopped towards her. When most of their race were frolicking with giddy contentment into Armageddon, a precious remnant had been persuaded, through the Professor's genius and fanatical determination, to risk escape by untried technology. Despite all the horrors they were now facing, Ms. Boofyfluff remained grateful.
"What gift, Professor?"
"My dear, you have just revealed an Unfluffy Side."
Ms. Boofyfluff froze in shock, then started trembling in anguish.
"I'm...unclean..."
"There, there," Professor Flopsy consoled as he paternally stroked Ms. Boofyfluff's fur. "I will not lie--you are now a bunny apart. Others will hold you in fear and digust. But you are now also a key to our survival..."
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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The Weeder
Shipmate
# 11321
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Posted
Ms Boofyfluff trembled. 'I am not worthy--but I will be the willing sacrifice' she sobbed.
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Still missing the gator
Posts: 2542 | From: LaLa Land | Registered: Apr 2006
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
"So, Igor, the candidates for the Jane Austen lookalike are assembled? Splendid. My bait to catch the Lamb. Well, Igor, don't just stand there looking uncomfortable. Open the doors."
A strangely reluctant Igor did as commanded.
"Sweet Belial!"
Trappe's horrorstruck gaze took in the frothing sea of lace and flounces, the tumbling folds of coloured silk, the acreage of embroidery.
"It was the wording of the ad, Master" gabbled Igor "'Staunch Anglican required: must look elegant in muslin'. It's Ecclethianticths. All of them".
"Well, you know the saying Igor. When life gives you lemons - drink gin. Fetch me a bottle."
Thus provided, it was a simple exercise to engage the attention of one befrilled figure, proffer a glass, exchange a few pleasantries, and finally for Trappe to draw a little closer to his new acquaintance, drop his voice a little, and indicating with the motion of his head another nearby begowned figure, murmur: "Don't know whether you've noticed, but that chap over there - argyle socks in Rogationtide."
The other stiffened, and his face contorting between horror and rage, lept upon the sock-wearer shrieking "Vile, sacreligous apostate!"
Within minutes the room was an eddying brawl, the sounds of rending garments, and the thud of candlestick on chasuble drowned only by the screamed profanities.
"Last one standing is our Jane Austen, I fancy".
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Pax Romana:
Excuse me ... um ... excuse me.
I seem to be lost. I think I have wandered into the wrong part of the forest and I don't know how to find my way. And people are talking about virgins and fecal flakes and Jello Pudding and Fluffy Bunnies.
Can somebody please help me?
Pax Romana
Certainly. Take one virgin, add to a vat of Jello Pudding, stir in the flakes...
Oh dear. I've just visualized Max.
[topples over]
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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The Weeder
Shipmate
# 11321
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Posted
[ 12. August 2009, 22:50: Message edited by: The Weeder ]
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Still missing the gator
Posts: 2542 | From: LaLa Land | Registered: Apr 2006
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Miffy
Ship's elephant
# 1438
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
quote:
Originally posted by Pax Romana:
Excuse me ... um ... excuse me.
I seem to be lost. I think I have wandered into the wrong part of the forest and I don't know how to find my way. And people are talking about virgins and fecal flakes and Jello Pudding and Fluffy Bunnies.
Can somebody please help me?
Pax Romana
Certainly. Take one virgin, add to a vat of Jello Pudding, stir in the flakes...
Oh dear. I've just visualized Max.
[topples over]
Sigh.
![[Frown]](frown.gif) I too, feel a certain sense of dislocation after reading the above. I knew I should never have posted that old link in the Styx. Life has moved on and a new order has taken over. Oh to recapture the innocent gaiety and whimsy of those carefree times! Sunny smilie, come back. All is forgiven.
Posts: 4739 | From: The Kitchen | Registered: Oct 2001
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The Great Gumby
Ship's Brain Surgeon
# 10989
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by The Weeder:
That's easy for you to say.
Professor Flopsy peered worriedly over his glasses.
"I fear the Hellions have spread far from the vile, misbegotten swamp whence they first oozed into our world. While a certain degree of cross-breeding with the native population has reduced their natural aggression, the Purgatine clan are vicious if provoked, and may still pose a serious threat to our way of life."
"Then who is to be sacrificed to them?"
"Fear not, a blood offering will not be necessary. All we need is some fast messengers. These messengers will visit the Purgatines and spread discord among them."
"How will they do this?"
"By asking them questions. The Purgatines bond out of necessity, but their differences are many. We will simply bring those differences to the fore, run like the clappers, and watch from a distance as they tear each other limb from limb."
"What questions could possibly have such an effect?"
"In the right circumstances, just about any question will do, but there are a few which never fail. In the first wave, we will ask them about US foreign policy, PSA and the filioque. Then we will hit them with gun control, TEC, and anything to do with taxation. If any are left alive after that, they can probably be lured away to a safe distance by telling them there are gays in the distant region of Dedorse."
"Will that really work?"
"I'm sure of it, but the messengers must be sure to flee the very moment the message is delivered, not look back, and not become involved in the argument at any costs. Now find me the very fastest runners we have."
Once he was alone, Professor Flopsy slumped into a chair. It should work - it must work - but the mission was a dangerous one. If the Purgatines became suspicious of the messengers, things might get very messy indeed.
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The first principle is that you must not fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool. - Richard Feynman
A letter to my son about death
Posts: 5382 | From: Home for shot clergy spouses | Registered: Feb 2006
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
Deep in the umbrageous reaches of the forest, three figures moved stealthily - Trappe, Igor and an Archdeacon with a black eye, dressed in several torn cottas which had been recycled into an approximation of a high-waisted dress.
They came to the edge of a clearing.
"Pssst!"
"But I only had those two gins - "
"Shut up! And look - yonder - where she lies! My Lamb!"
"Where? Oh yes, I see her. Just in front of those dinosaury thingies. By the coconut stack. Near the pond with the unicorn. My, there are a lot of rabbits scurrying about, aren't there? Where do you think they're going?"
"Hmmm, yes, that is worrying. Some of them look purposeful".
Just then...
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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The Weeder
Shipmate
# 11321
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by The Great Gumby:
quote:
Originally posted by The Weeder:
That's easy for you to say.
Having been rendered speechless by the forces lined up against the Companions, The Weeder went underground to await developments
![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
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Still missing the gator
Posts: 2542 | From: LaLa Land | Registered: Apr 2006
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
quote:
Just then...
There was a blinding flash light--where there was empty space now stood the five searchers for the secrets of Flexus the Hairy's scroll (and Mr. Nudgewink) from Oblivion's The DVC Rip-Off/Smarmy Britcom Hybrid.
"I told you to ask for directions," sniffed Mrs. Littlehampton.
"Not now, Wilhelmina." Professor Littlehampton peered around--"Now, where the devil are--ah, some local inhabitants, by Jove."
The two groups surveyed each other with cautious interest, with Igor particularly scrutinizing Miss Honeybottom and Dr. Poncey the Archdeacon.
"Looks to me," sighed Goldstein of Arabia, "like another typical Post-Pleistocene-Medieval-Allegory-Watership-Down-Gothic-Melodrama scenario."
"Well, excuse us for living," snapped Trappe...
[ 13. August 2009, 18:40: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
Mr. Cadbury hopped on doggedly, closely following the tracking device. He had been the first to volunteer to travel to Purgatory; he had to get away, as far as possible.
Ms. Foofyfluff, for whom he had had such a tender regard, to whom he would have declared his intentions were they to escape being eaten or stomped on for a decent interval, had become an object of horror...
[ 14. August 2009, 13:37: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
"I do beg your pardon!"
Absorbed as he was, Mr Cadbury had collided with a burly but harassed-looking figure dressed in the ruins of a vestment or two.
"It is a truth universally acknowledged that - er - chap with money - wifie thingie. Pretty damn essential."
"Eh?"
"It's not right, is it? Dr Trappe did explain it all, but I can't remember a lot - apart from the really extraordinarily generous donation to the Almshouse for Fraught Clergy. I'm supposed to engage some lamb or other in chat about love and marriage. I say, are you all right?"
"Alas! My beloved - "
"I say! It's not that rather raunchy little piece in leathers, with the armelite? Looking pretty pissed-off?"
"Yes. My darling Foofyfluff. My little hot, cross, bun."
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
Oh dear! I hope it's Foofyfluff wearing the raunchy leathers, and not me. (But then I DID get dressed in the dark this morning...)
Never mind! Whilst we chatter, the Mousethiefe ys escaping, and the wombling Maxdot hath not crawl-yd out of the pudding yet! Alas, how shall I ever get that horne?
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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