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» Ship of Fools   » Ship's Locker   » Limbo   » Kerygmania: The Bible, Non-stop - GENESIS (Page 1)

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Source: (consider it) Thread: Kerygmania: The Bible, Non-stop - GENESIS
Lynn MagdalenCollege
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Per this discussion and picking up on Twilight's suggestion, this thread will hopefully be our Ship of Fools paraphrase of the book of GENESIS.

quote:
Alan Cresswell suggested: Paraphrases, by their very nature, carry a substantial interpretive element (translation does as well, of course). A paraphrase says a fair bit about the person doing the paraphrase. It would be quite interesting to see how a paraphrase produced by the Ship would turn out.

I'd probably not limit it to one verse at a time, as quite often you'd want to paraphrase an idea that crosses the artificial boundaries versification imposes.

Also, I think there may be instances where 10 verses is too short ... some of Jesus' parables are longer than that, and would logically be a single unit to be paraphrased. Not that we'll be getting to the parables quickly. But, even most of Genesis 1 could be paraphrased as a single unit if the interpretation you want to convey considers the 'days' to be incidental.

This is the Heavenly Host Authorized Version... [Biased]

Please include the book, chapter, and verse(s) included at the front of your post.

[ 30. October 2009, 12:21: Message edited by: Moo ]

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Lynn MagdalenCollege
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Genesis 1, verses 1 & 2:

BANG! God made the space-time continuum.

There wasn't really any Earth there, not that we would recognize, but in the vast darkness the Spirit of God brooded over the potential, moving over the deep and hovering over the elements of creation.

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Erin & Friend; Been there, done that; Ruth musical

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mousethief

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And God said, "Yo, light!" And whammo! Light. Just like that. Good light, too. (gen 1:3-4a)

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Rev per Minute
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Then God started sorting - day and night, earth and sky, land and water, sun and moon. Then he started growing things, too - plants, animals and birds. 'Sorted,' he thought.

(Gen 1:5-25)

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"Allons-y!" "Geronimo!" "Oh, for God's sake!" The Day of the Doctor

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Adam.

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Then God created human beings (male and female). They were in God's own image, and had the responsibility of caring for all creation, including the children they were to have. Creation was now complete.

(Gen 1:26- 2:1)

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Stoo

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The Kerygmania Hosts have requested this thread, and that means one less thread for me to host [Biased] ... Shall send it thither.

Hold tight!

[ 25. January 2008, 17:04: Message edited by: Stoo ]

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This space left blank

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Twilight

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Genesis 2:2-3

By the seventh day God was all done, so he put his feet up and blessed that day, saying, "Thank myself It's Sabbath!" He made it a special day because it was his own offical rest day.

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Genesis 2:4

And that's how the heavens and the earth were made. Meanwhile, as YHWH was making the heavens and the earth...

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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg

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Adam.

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God made man and made him a garden to live in. This garden had beautiful rivers and many trees, including the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. God told the man that he should tend the garden and could eat from any of the trees, except the Tree of KGE, which he would die if he ate. (Gen 2:5-17)

[ 25. January 2008, 18:42: Message edited by: Hart ]

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Afghan
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18: And says *cough* God, "Not good, is it, the man being lonely? I'll make him some help, to be alongside him."

19: And He makes, *cough* God, out of the soil, all the living things of the field and all the birds of the heavens. And he brings them to the man, to see what he calls them. And whatever the man called it, the living soul, that was its name.

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Adam.

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God made many creatures which Adam named, but none of them were suitable partners. So, God made a new creature, called woman, out of Adam's own rib and Adam recognized her as his companion.

(Gen 2:20-24)

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the pilgrim
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Now, the snake had the slickest line of crap of any critter in the whole garden that God had made. None of the others could even hold a candle to his bull-shitin' ways. The snake came up to the woman one day, and without so much as a "how do you do," asked her if it was the truth what he had heard about God "forbidding" her and the man from eating from his "special" tree. The woman answered, "You got that right, brother snake. He said you can't eat and you can't touch, or your ass is grass!"

(GEN 3: 1 - 2)

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the pilgrim
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Sorry, that last post covers Gen 3: 1 - 3

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Life is good in the palm of God's hand.

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Marvin the Martian

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The serpent tells her what she wants to hear and the woman sees something she likes the look of, so naturally she takes it. And eats it of course - the dieting fad comes much later. The man is too trusting, so when she offers him the food he eats it without thinking too much.

What a dick.

[Gen 3: 4 - 6]

[tense trouble]

[ 26. January 2008, 03:11: Message edited by: Marvin the Martian ]

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Lynn MagdalenCollege
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Gen. 3:7-

"Will you look at that? We don't have fur or feathers or scales or nuthin'-- we're nekkid!"

"Well, that's just not right-- here are some big leaves; help me sew 'em together. We need to cover our bits..."

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Chorister

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'Bit breezy tonite', said Adz.
'Yeah', said Eeev.
'Hey! I can hear God coming!, quick let's play hide and seek! Bags I get this big tree.'
''Sorright, there's plenty of other trees.'
And so they hid.
(that was Gen 3:8, btw)

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Lynn MagdalenCollege
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Gen. 3:9-13

So the Lord called out, "Yo! Adam, where are you?" (like He didn't know--)

And Adam said, "I heard You coming and that made me really nervous because we're naked. So we hid."

And in His voice like many waters (but a little sad, too) the Lord asked, "Naked? Did anybody mention naked? Who said naked? ...did you eat of that one tree I asked you not to eat of?" (like He didn't know--).

So Adam answered, "If You hadn't've given me that woman, none of this would've ever happened! That woman You gave me gave me the fruit off that tree; what am I supposed to do, just throw it away? I ate it."

"What have you done?" God asked the woman. She points at the snake, that old dragon, and says, "Nu-huh, it was his fault! He told me we'd be like You, like wise and smart and stuff, and that seemed like a good idea-- well, yeah, I ate it."

[Frown]

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the pilgrim
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Then God turned his attention to the snake and said;

"Eat dirt, you fucking ASS, - er, SNAKE! You can't have anything more to DO with that woman! In fact, whenever you two even SEE each other from now on I want you to come out with your dukes up! And this is a family feud to be passed on to your young-uns too!"

(GEN 9:14-15)

[ 26. January 2008, 13:09: Message edited by: the pilgrim ]

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Life is good in the palm of God's hand.

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alienfromzog

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Gen 3: 16-19

Once again, with the many-rivers but sad voice, God said:

"Well guys, you've really blown it. I'm very big on justice so this is gonna be a tough problem. [Mad]
"So this is what happens now;
Eve, I childbirth is gonna hurt a lot. More of a problem though is that woman kind will seek to control their men and the men will brutalise the women.

"Adam, the growing stuff in the ground is going to be lots and lots of hard work.

"And ultimately, as I warned you, you are going to die. I made you from dust, and dust you will become again..."

AFZ

I really wanna do Cain and Abel...

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[Sen. D.P.Moynihan]

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Moo

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quote:
Originally posted by alienfromzog:
I really wanna do Cain and Abel...

Yes, the first siblings and the first sibling rivalry.

Moo

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See you later, alligator.

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alienfromzog

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it's more an idea of a paraphrase of "Am I my brother's keeper?"

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Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but not his own facts.
[Sen. D.P.Moynihan]

An Alien's View of Earth - my blog (or vanity exercise...)

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the pilgrim
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quote:
Originally posted by Moo:
quote:
Originally posted by alienfromzog:
I really wanna do Cain and Abel...

Yes, the first siblings and the first sibling rivalry.

Moo

Wait your turn, Alienfromzog, it will come!

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Life is good in the palm of God's hand.

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the pilgrim
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So the man decided to call the woman "Eve" because, - to be quite frank, - he planned to knock her up pretty soon, and this would set off an unbroken cycle of "begatting" that would fill the world with copies of the man and woman.

(GEN 3:20)

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Life is good in the palm of God's hand.

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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
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And God made proper clothes for the poor fools who thought they could make them out of leaves (as if!) but of course, it cost some poor animal his life (thus creating the first Messianic type, but that's another story).

And then God said to himself, "Well, now that evil has invaded the human race, there ain't no way I can let them live forever. Living hell, that'd be. So I've got to get them away from the other tree."

So God said, "Okay, you're out of here. Door's that way. You might try a little farming, seems right up your alley." And he put a big angel with a sword by the gate, just to make sure nobody snuck back in to eat from the tree of life. (Genesis 3:21-24)

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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!

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mousethief

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Adam and Eve did the Big Nasty and had kids, the first two being Cain and Abel. Cain was a rancher and Abel was a farmer. They made sacrifices to God, and God preferred the meat to the wheat, which totally pissed Cain off.

(Genesis 4:1-5)

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Ariel
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"So what's your problem?" said God. "If you'd done well you'd have been rewarded. You didn't, so you weren't. Get over it."

"Cheers," said Cain a bit sarcastically, but to himself, and went away in search of Abel.

(Gen 4: 6-7)

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BWSmith
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Then Cain said to Abel, "Hey, look over there! It's the Good Year Blimp!" And when Abel turned to look, Cain pushed him off the edge of a cliff. Then the LORD said to Cain, "Hey, I've got two tickets to see the Rolling Stones, and I'd like to take your brother. Have you seen him anywhere?" And Cain replied, "I don't know. He had to 'drop out' for a little while." (Gen 4:8-9)
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the pilgrim
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"What are you trying to pull here?" said God. "Look for yourself! Your brothers blood is all over the place, and you might as well be standing there holding his open wallet! Well, your farming days in these parts are OVER, bucko! I'm fixing it so that you never see another crop as long as you live. You might as well hit the road and pick up odd jobs here and there for the rest of your life!"

(GEN 4: 10 - 12)

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mousethief

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Then Cain said, "Whoa! That's harsh! You might as well paint a target on my back." So God put "Do Not Kill" on Cain's forehead, and Cain shuffled off to Eastofeden, of Steinbeck fame. There he built a city and had a kid (Enoch), who in turn had a bunch of descendents. One of them was Lamech, who had two wives.

These wives were unusual among women in the Old Testament in that they have names, to wit, Adah and Zillah. Between them they had kids famous for musical instruments and tools.

(Genesis 4:13-19)

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Lynn MagdalenCollege
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(I submit that MT covered Gen. 4:13-22)

Genesis 4:23-26

Lamech was really full of himself. He called his wives (Adah and Zillah) and said, "Hey! Listen to me! Pay attention! Because I am one important bad dude: I killed a man for injuring me and I killed a boy for daring to hit me. If Cain is going to be avenged SEVENfold, I am going to be avenged SEVENTY-SEVENfold."

In the meantime, Adam and Eve are making love and having babies and Eve was sorry about Abel's death so when she had another son she called him 'Seth,' saying, "God has given me another son in place of Abel (because Cain is such a jerk he killed his brother-- grrrr)."

And when Seth was grown and married he also had a son and Seth called him Enosh. Then humanity began to summon and proclaim the name of the LORD.

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Lynn MagdalenCollege
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[tangent]
Re: alienfromzog wanting to post Cain & Abel and missing the opportunity, disucssion here. Your thoughts appreciated [Angel]
[/tangent]

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Erin & Friend; Been there, done that; Ruth musical

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Lamb Chopped
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Gen 5, 1-27:

Anyway, getting back to Adam and the other kids, here's the family tree. God made people in his own image, and they were awesome. Not just the guys, not just the girls, but both together. And God blessed them and called them "people."

Then things started to go down hill. Like, really fast.

Adam lived for a while and had a son just like him, more's the pity. His name was Seth. And then Adam had a whole lot of other kids, got old, and died. The end.

Seth had a kid, too, and named him Enosh. And he got old and he died. Start to see how this is going?

Enosh had a kid... etc. etc. etc. Except the people keep dying younger and younger. Except for old Methuselah, but he always was a bit odd.

But anyway, they all died. Dead as door nails. Don't forget that.

[ 27. January 2008, 05:31: Message edited by: Lamb Chopped ]

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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!

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alienfromzog

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quote:
Originally posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege:
[tangent]
Re: alienfromzog wanting to post Cain & Abel and missing the opportunity, disucssion here. Your thoughts appreciated [Angel]
[/tangent]

Thanks Lynn

I wrote a post last night at work (hadn't quite finished when a very rude patient interrupted by being ill) and then the internet stopped working. D'oh

Anyway,

God said to Cain "I can't find Abel anywhere" And Cain replied "Am I boffered though? I am not boffered, look at my face, does my face look boffered?"

Many thanks to Katherine Tate

--------------------
Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but not his own facts.
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An Alien's View of Earth - my blog (or vanity exercise...)

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GrahamR
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Alienfromzog: [Snigger]

Gen 5:28 - Gen 6:4

Well, one of Methuselah's sons (Lamech) he had a son, called Noah. And when Noah was 500 he had 3 sons Shem, Ham and Japheth (pay attention though, this will be important).

Anyway, whilst Noah was doing who knows what for the first 500 years of his life, well, other people were getting on with having kids. And God started getting worried about how many there were, running around and causing trouble. So, a time limit he set- 120 years and then your number's up!

But, just to add to the confusion, there were Nephilim also having kids. What they were and what they might have done, well, pretty soon it wasn't going to matter anyway...

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Ariel
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And God took one look at the earth and the people on it and said "Forget this. It's horrible. This isn't what I wanted, I'd be better off recycling it and starting all over again."

But just before he did he had second thoughts and said "Noah, I'm just about to blot out the entire human race, but I think you're OK so I'm making an exception for you. I want you to build this boat, I'll give you all the instructions for DIY. It's strangely shaped, and will probably cost you a small fortune to construct - no, I'm not going to miraculously make it for you - but it'll be worth it. By the way, you have to take your family and a pair of every animal you can find."

"Right," said Noah, who wasn't doing anything anyway, and he set to work.

(Gen 6: 5-22)

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the pilgrim
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Then God said, "OK Noah, now I want you and your entire family to get in the boat you've made because you're the only one in the whole world that I see even trying to get it right down there.

"And not only you and the kids. There are going to be animals, .. lots and lots of animals. Seven pairs of every clean animal and birds, and a single pair of every unclean animal.(Yeah, yeah, I know I haven't let anyone know which ones are clean or unclean yet and won't for some time yet, just do as I say and leave the rest to me.) And you are going to do all this because in one week it's going to start raining like hell, and it aint going to quit until every living thing that can't tread water for forty days is dead!"

Seven days later - it started comeing down by the bucket full.

(GEN 7:1-10

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Life is good in the palm of God's hand.

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pimple

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# 10635

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On 17th February, 600 A.N.* The rain came down and all the drains burst and everything was soaked. But Noah and his family and all the animals and worms and budgies and everything they had rounded up were safe inside the Ark.
It rained for forty days and nights but God had locked them all safe inside and put the key through the letter-box for Noah.

[Genesis 7:11-16] *A.N. = Year of Noah

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In other words, just because I made it all up, doesn't mean it isn't true (Reginald Hill)

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mousethief

Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953

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The rains came down and the floods came up
The rains came down and the floods came up
The rains came down and the floods came up
And the mountains were beneath the waves

Everything that can't breath water drowned, as one might expect. Only Noah and the Noahvites with their zoological cargo were safe. For four months the planet was inundated.

Genesis 7:17-24.

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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...

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mousethief

Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953

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(dang! that should be "breathe water" not "breath water"!)

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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...

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the pilgrim
Ship's Brownist
# 13263

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But God hadn't forgotten Noah, no sir-re-bob. Nor had he forgotten all the critters shut up in that boat with Noah and his family. God decided that enough was enough, and he turned the heavenly water tap off. Things started to dry out then, little by litte. It took a long time. After all, it was an awful lot of water to get rid of. After about five months, on a very lucky seventh day of the seventh month, the water went down enough that Noah's boat crashed into the top of a mountain peak and stuck there. It was good ol' mount Ararat. Another three months went by and other mountain tops began to poke up through the water around them.

(GEN 8:1-5)

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Life is good in the palm of God's hand.

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Lynn MagdalenCollege
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# 10651

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quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
But anyway, they all died. Dead as door nails. Don't forget that.

I have a question about this, thanks.

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Erin & Friend; Been there, done that; Ruth musical

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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528

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[Hot and Hormonal] [Devil] [Hot and Hormonal]

May I amend? Add

"Except for Enoch, that is. Always an exception to every rule."

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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!

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Lynn MagdalenCollege
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# 10651

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Gen 8:6-14

Forty days after that massive box full of animals and eight genetically-pure humans stopped floating, Noah opened a window and sent out a raven, which was able to fly around and around and around (it was eventually able to land but that didn't tell Noah what was going on). So Noah sent out a dove but the ground wasn't solid enough for her and she returned to the ark and Noah's outstretched hand.

Noah waited seven more days and then sent the dove out again; this time she returned in the evening with a fresh sprig from an olive tree in her beak. Noah was encouraged; the water was going down.

Seven days later Noah sent out the dove yet again - but this time she didn't return. When they had been 10 1/2 months in that ship Noah went up top and tore off some of the roof: he could see dry ground.

One year and 10 days after the floodgates of heaven opened and all the fountains of the deep burst forth the earth was finally dry.

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Erin & Friend; Been there, done that; Ruth musical

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Seelenbräutigam
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# 12896

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And God said to Noah, “You can all come out of the ark now – your family and all the animals. It’s time to fill up the empty planet again.” So Noah came out of the ark, followed by his wife and his sons with their wives. The animals came out in their families, too: walking, flying, slithering out of the ark.

[Genesis 8:17-19]

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the pilgrim
Ship's Brownist
# 13263

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Noah was happy that the long ordeal was over, so he decided to build an altar and sacrifice some of the extra "clean" animals he had been asked to bring in the boat. This he did, and it pleased God very much. So much so, in fact, that God said in his heart, "How childish of me it was to destroy everything. I don't care HOW bad these people of mine mess up, I will NOT handle it this way again. Amen." And then he sang a little song:

As long as the world goes 'round,
Oh, as long as the world goes 'round,
There will be planting and harvesting,
Winter and Summer,
Daytime and evenings,
as long as the world goes 'round!

(GEN 8:20-22)

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Life is good in the palm of God's hand.

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pimple

Ship's Irruption
# 10635

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And God said "Never mind what I said to Adam and Eve. Go and have lots of sex and lots of kids. And everything eatable on the earth is yours. But don't eat anything with blood in it (I'll be reminding Shylock about that in a couple of milennia). Everything will respect and fear you -because I've made you like me, and respect and fear are important. Remember that - anyone fucks with you, they'll have me to reckon with. Now off you go and make babies.

[Genesis 9:1-7]

[ 28. January 2008, 13:18: Message edited by: pimple ]

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In other words, just because I made it all up, doesn't mean it isn't true (Reginald Hill)

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ken
Ship's Roundhead
# 2460

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God was still doing the talking so no-one could get a word in edgeways. And he made an agreement with Noah and all the other people and all the other animals - all of them, even the little crunchy and slimy ones. He said that things had been pretty bad but, on the whole they were working out, and were going to get better. God promised he would never wipe everything out in one go again. And the world will carry on turning for as long as it exists, and there is going to be weather and plants and food and stuff like that, pretty much however bad people got.

God was so peased with this new policy deal that he announced it twice, having already told everyone about it in the previous chapter. And then he signed both sides of the agreement himself, because he is God and so he can get away with that sort of thing. He didn't sign it on paper but on the sky. In big bright glowing colours, which is only possible because he designed the laws of physics just right so that it would work. Being God, he can get away with that sort of thing as well. And he does like to show off a little bit now and again.

(Genesis 9.8-17)

[ 28. January 2008, 14:13: Message edited by: ken ]

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Ken

L’amor che move il sole e l’altre stelle.

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Sarah G
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# 11669

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Noah had three sons, Ham, Shem and Japheth. Noah invented homebrew, and became the first person to get naked while legless.

Ham wandered into his tent, and seeing his dad asleep, got out his mobile, and became the first person to post pictures of a naked drunk person on Youtube. His brothers, having better taste, covered him up.

When Noah woke up, he made Ham do extra chores for forever, but gave the other two presents. Noah lived for 950 years, before dying of stress from blowing out candles on his birthday.

(Genesis 9:18-28)

[ 28. January 2008, 17:06: Message edited by: Sarah G ]

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the pilgrim
Ship's Brownist
# 13263

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And then they got down to the begating that resulted in the world being filled with people,.. lots,.. and lots,.. and lots of people. Cushites, and Ludites, and Anamites, and Lehabites, and Naphtuhites. Not to mention the Pathrusites, Casluhites and even a few Philistines here and there. Oh, and don't forget the Hitites, Jebusites, Amorites, Girgashites, Hivites, Arkites, Sinites, Arvadites, Zemarites and Hamathitites (they are SO much fun) Lots and lots of people, covering the whole world,.. or, at least what we now call the holy land, and the most important of all these "ites" to God, where the Semites.

Genesis 10:1-32

[ 28. January 2008, 19:18: Message edited by: the pilgrim ]

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Life is good in the palm of God's hand.

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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58

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Anyway, basically they all begat each other. As they were all one big happy family they all spoke the same language, and before long they'd decided to build the world's first skyscraper, because they were fed up with living in boring little mud huts and thought a tower block would be really fashionable and trendy.

And God took one look at it and said, "I'm not having that, before I know where I am the whole earth will be covered with cities with multistorey buildings and car parks, mobile phone masts, fast food outlets and dodgy public transport systems - let's nip this in the bud now."

And suddenly, people found that they were speaking French or Chinese or Xhosa or some such, which was a bit mystifying, and meant they had problems finishing the building, but they soon found others who spoke their own language and wandered off somewhere together agreeing that everyone else was obviously a bit deficient, and founded their own countries.

(Gen 11: 1-9)

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