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» Ship of Fools   » Ship's Locker   » Limbo   » Kerygmania: EXODUS: The Bible Non-stop (Page 1)

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Source: (consider it) Thread: Kerygmania: EXODUS: The Bible Non-stop
Lynn MagdalenCollege
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Carrying on from Genesis, same approach.


Exodus 1:1-7

These are the sons of Israel who came to Egypt with their father Jacob, each with his household: there was Reuben, Simeon, Levi, and Judah; there was Issachar, Zebulun (all sons of Leah) and Benjamin (Rachel's second son); Dan and Naphtali (sons of Bilhah, Rachel's maid); Gad and Asher (sons of Zilpah, Leah's maid).

Jacob's descendants numbered seventy persons when they came to Egypt with Jacob - but Joseph, Rachel's first son, was already there. Joseph died and then all his brothers and all that generation. But the Israelites were fruitful as young rabbits and grew very mighty and filled the land of Egypt.

[ 15. February 2010, 15:10: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]

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Erin & Friend; Been there, done that; Ruth musical

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Tawny
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Exodus 1 V 8-14

A new king turned up, said ‘Nope there are too many Israelites’ He was worried they might join his enemies so he made them slaves instead. But as they had nothing to do in their spare time except procreate, there were more and more of them. The Egyptians were scared of their numbers, so worked them even harder.

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For health and strength and daily food
We praise Thy name, O Lord.

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Autenrieth Road

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Exodus 1:15-22

Pharaoh decided hard labour wasn't enough, so he called the two Hebrew midwives, Shiphrah and Puah, and told them to kill the boys they delivered. They could let the girls live. But the midwives, even though they hadn't yet received the Ten Commandments, realized killing baby boys was a Very Wrong Thing to do, so they didn't.

Pharaoh noticed there were just as many baby boys as before, so he called Shiphrah and Puah to him again, and said, "What gives? Did I or did I not tell you to kill the boys you deliver?"

Shiphrah and Puah said, "Oh great majesty, the Hebrew women are strong and give birth so quickly that the babies have been delivered before we get there."

God rewarded the midwives with houses and descendants, and the Hebrew population continued to grow.

Pharaoh did not abandon his idea, however. He sent out a proclamation to everyone in Egypt: "Drown the Hebrew baby boys, but let the girls live."

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Truth

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Nigel M
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Exodus 2:1-9

A man from the Joiner tribe married a Joiness and they became truly Joined-up. The Joiness duly delivered a Junior-Joiner and kept him under wraps for three months. Inevitably Junior grew out of his wrap and the mother decided to cast him to a greater mercy. She placed Junior in a reed basket which she water-proofed with tar and then, remembering to put Junior in it, she plopped the basket among the reeds of the river. Little Joinette, Junior's older sister, stood within eyeshot to see what would happen to him.

Well, the world's most powerful national leader's daughter came gracefully down to that part of the river with her entourage with the aim of getting a decent bathe suitably and decorously surrounded by reeds and inevitably she saw the basket. She sent one of her young female attendants off to fetch it back, she opened it, she saw Junior, and -

Pause for dramatic effect – will Junior end up as crocodile meat? Will the teleological purposes of Almighty God be thwarted for the want of a bit of divine protection? Will the world's most powerful national leader's daughter ever finish her bath? Or...

BEHOLD! Junior was crying!

The world's most powerful national leader's daughter was overcome with compassion. “One perceives this to be one of the plebeian cuties” She said. Joinette scampered up at this point and said, “Would it pleasure One if I were to acquire the services of a Pleb to attend to this Junior Pleb's needs, perchance?” (A wily young lass, that. Pride of the Tribe).

“Make it so” answered the world's most powerful national leader's daughter. So the wily young Joinette fetched Junior's mother, who was told by the world's most powerful national leader's daughter to take Junior and do whatever was deemed necessary and appropriate with respect to creatures of that age. She even said she would pay the mother. No doubt this was inconvenient for the mother who probably had people round to tea that night, but she said she could probably squeeze this job in.

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Lynn MagdalenCollege
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Exodus 2:10-15

The boy grew and when he was weaned Jochebed took him to She Who Must Obeyed, who adopted him as her own and named him Moses, which means 'drawn', because she drew him up from the water.

Time passed. Moses learned and grew up. One day he went out to have a look at his people, the Hebrews, and saw their work and suffering. He saw an Egyptian beating a Hebrew and it made him very angry. Not so angry, however, that he didn't look around to see if anyone was watching - nope, no witnesses - so he killed the Egyptian and buried him under an insufficient quantity of sand.

Moses went out the next day and saw two of his people fighting with each other and he jumped in and asked the aggressor why he was hitting the other guy. But the man looked at Moses and said, "Who the f* do you think you are? You think you've got any authority here, with us? You gonna kill me like you killed the Egyptian?!"

Moses wigged out: "I am in big trouble because someone saw me and the word has spread."

Sure enough, Pharaoh heard of the murder and tried to kill Moses but the attempt failed, giving Moses the chance to escape. He ran away to Midian and he collapsed by a well.

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Erin & Friend; Been there, done that; Ruth musical

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Bullfrog.

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Exodus 2:16-22

The priest, not being of the Catholic variety, had seven (count 'em, 7!) daughters. As had happened in other places and times, they went to the well to get some water. Unlike a certain duo, they did not fall down. With crowns intact, they intended to fill the troughs to water their father's flock.

Then some mean shepherds came along to drive them away, but Moses (oh, isn't he such a chivalrous guy?), came to their defense. after breaking out a mean can of bastard Egyptian whup-ass on the mean shepherds, he even then watered the daughters' flock.

They went home to their father Reuel. Naturally wondering how they could finish their work so soon, he asked them, "So, how'd you get home so soon today?"

A middle child blushed and said, "So, we went to water the sheep as always, but these mean shepherds came along and tried to drive us away!" And another broke in and said, "And this Egyptian..." and she swooned. Another continued, "So he drove the meanie shepherds away, and not only this, but he watered the sheep for us! (By Yahweh this man was hot!)"

Their father then said to them, "Where is this man? Where did you leave him! After doing such a deed for us, the least I can do is feed the guy!"

Moses agreed to stay with the man (hey, free food!), and the man gave Moses his daughter Zipporah in marriage (Whoa, this guy is pretty cool!).

She bore him a son, and Moses named him Gershom; for he said, "I have been an alien (ger) residing in a foreign land."

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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg

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Lynn MagdalenCollege
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Exodus 2:23-25

Time passed, as it is wont to do, and finally that Pharaoh died and still the children of Israel moaned under the weight of their enforced labor; they cried mightily in their suffering. Their cry for rescue rose up to the heavens and God Himself heard their groaning and moaning and saw their complaint. And God remembered His covenant with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob - so once again, He looked upon the children of Israel and focused His awesome attention upon them.

(not entirely unlike a magnifying glass and an ant-hill on a sunny day...)

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Erin & Friend; Been there, done that; Ruth musical

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amber.
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Exodus 3:1-5

Moses was looking after his father in law’s sheep, and found himself at the back of the waste land next to a place called ‘Horeb’ - the mountain of God.

To his considerable astonishment, he saw what appeared to be an angel of the Lord in a flame of fire coming out of a thorn-tree. Even stranger, the tree didn’t seem to be actually burning.

Now, many would have thought, “This is a bit too strange for my liking – I’m off!” but not our Moses. He said, “I will go and see this strange thing, why the tree is not burned up”.

God saw him standing there, astonished, and called to him from the burning tree, crying “Moses, Moses.” And he said, “Here I am”. God replied, “Do not come near: take off your shoes, for the place where you are is holy.”

[ 22. April 2008, 14:18: Message edited by: amber. ]

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Lynn MagdalenCollege
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Exodus 3:6-10

God continued: "I'm the God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob."

Moses hid his face, fearful of seeing God.

Yahweh said, "I've doubly seen the suffering and miserable poverty of My people --the children of Israel living in Egypt-- and I've heard them cry out under oppression; I know their mental and physical pain. So I've come down to tear them out of the Egyptians' hands, to deliver them from Egypt and bring them to a good land with plenty of room, flowing with milk and honey, the place where the Canaanites and Hittites and Amorites and Perizzites and Hivites and Jebusites are currently living (more on that later).

"So take heed: the outcry of the Israelites has risen to me and I've seen the distress with which the Egyptians distress them. Therefore rise up - I will send you to Pharaoh - go get my people and bring them out of Egypt."

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Erin & Friend; Been there, done that; Ruth musical

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Nigel M
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Gen. 3:11-15

There was a pause.

There was a hesitant raising of a hand from the grovelling figure.

There was a voice from said grovelling figure: “Pardon me, but did you mean 'me' when you mentioned a going to the world's most powerful leader? Only I couldn't help but notice the imperatival sense of the verb 'To Go' in there...”

There was a divine tapping of the foot.

“Can you see anyone else here grovelling with their sandals off? Note this for goodness' sake: I WILL BE with you. You want some clear assurance? Then remember this: as proof that I, yes I, have sent you, yes you; when you have fetched my people out of Egypt, you will still be alive and you will all serve God on this very mountain.”

A second hesitant raising of a hand from the grovelling figure.

“But look! I go to the Israelites, I say to them, 'the God of your dad, your dad's dad, and your dad's dad's dad has sent me to you', and they say, 'Go on then, what's his name?' What am I supposed to tell them?”

Divine snort.

“I've already told you I WILL BE. That's all. I WILL BE. Try telling them that I WILL BE has sent you. Seriously, all you need to say is that the I WILL BE, the God of their ancestors – same God of Abraham, same God of Isaac, same God of Jacob – has sent you to them. That's more than enough for them to remember me by – the God of their ancestors; don't let them ask for more, that will do from now on forever, for heaven's sake.”

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Nigel M
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quote:
Originally posted by Nigel M:
Gen. 3:11-15...

That reference should, of course, he paraphrased as Exodus!...
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Autenrieth Road

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To the woman, I WILL BE said, "You shall have pains in childbirth." Moses said, "What woman? It's just you, me, and the bush here!" I WILL BE put on his reading glasses and flipped back and forth muttering "In The Beginning... Second Law... Census... Priests... where is They Went Out?" "Ah, here we are," I WILL BE said in I WILL BE's normal voice.

Exodus 3:16-22

"Call all the old people, the wise people, the councilors, the heads of household together and here is your speech all ready for you." I WILL BE pulled a neatly typed sheet of onion skin out of the loose sheets in His book and began to read:

"I WILL BE, the God of your ancestors Father Of Many and Laughter and Supplanter, appeared to me and said,

" 'I went on an Elderhostel in Egypt recently and was shocked, shocked, by the conditions you are suffering. I said to Myself,

" ' "Self, milk and honey is what these suffering people need, and milk and honey is what I will give them."

" 'As soon as I got home I checked My atlas and it turns out the Canaanites, the Hittites, the Amorites, the Perizzites, the Hivites, and the Jebusites are living in just the place. Cows and bees everywhere. You're going to love it.' "

I WILL BE folded up the neatly typed piece of onion skin and slipped it in His jacket pocket along with His reading glasses.

"So, Drawn Out," He continued, "the old people, the wise people, the councilors, the heads of household will listen to you. After that, plan to have a spontaneous demonstration where you go to the Most Powerful Head Of State In The World and say to him" -- (I WILL BE closed His eyes, as if reading the rest of the speech of the inside of His eyelids) --

" 'The God of the Wanderers has met with us, so we would like to take a long weekend and go out into the wilderness to sacrifice to Him.' "

I WILL BE opened his eyes again. "By the way, The Most Powerful Head Of State In The World won't let you go just like that. So I'll have to do some of My Mighty Wonders™ and smack him upside the head to persuade him. But don't worry, the Egyptians won't let you leave empty-handed in the end. Ask and ye shall receive, jewelry and fancy clothes and stuff. Get your women to do the asking, you know, neighbourly across-the-fence type stuff. Say it's For The Children™, that gets them every time."

[ 25. April 2008, 00:44: Message edited by: Autenrieth Road ]

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Truth

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Lynn MagdalenCollege
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[Big Grin]

Exodus 4:1-12

Moses panicked.

"But-but-but-but what if they won't believe me or listen to me; what if they think I'm nuts, been out in the desert sun too long? What if they simply say, I WAS AM WILL BE did not appear to you and I say 'did too!' and they say 'did not!' and I say--"

I WAS AM WILL BE raised His hand. "What've you got in your hand?"

Moses looked down at the staff in his hand, jumped as if it were a snake, and said, "Uh-- my staff?"

"Throw it down on the ground." So Moses threw it down and dang! if it didn't become a serpent. "Snake!" he yelled, running away, "why does it always have to be snakes?!"

I WAS AM WILL BE figuratively rolled His divine eyes, putting an extra little puff of flame out of the bush. "Come back here! Closer... closer... okay, put out your hand and grab its tail--" So Moses gingerly reached out and picked up the snake which obligingly turned back into his staff; he eyed it suspiciously.

"This way they will believe that I WAS AM WILL BE, the God of the patriarchs, the God of Father Of Many and Laughter and Supplanter, has indeed showed up and appeared to you."

The LORD continued: "Now, put your hand next to your heart; yeah, inside your robe--" and when Drawn Out drew out his hand it was severely leprous, like snow. (*whimper*)

"Put it back--" Moses quickly thrust his hand back inside his robe and drew it out: whew! his hand was restored, his flesh of his hand perfectly normal, like all the rest of his body.

"Now you have two signs: if the staff-serpent routine doesn't wow 'em, use the old leprous hand technique."

Moses started to open his mouth to object but the LORD continued without taking a breath, "Yet if they don't believe the witness of these two signs or accept what you say, then you will take some of the Nile's water and pour it on the ground and it will become blood, there on the ground."

Moses said, "Please, LORD! I'm not up to this - I'm not good with words and I've spent most of the last 40 years with sheep; I wasn't even eloquent during the first 40 years in Egypt - listen to me! Thick-tongued, slow of speech--"

I WAS AM WILL BE said, "Who made your mouth? Just who do you think makes a man mute or deaf, sighted or blind? Hellllooo! That would be ME. Now go - and don't be discouraged for I Myself, I WAS AM WILL BE, I will be with your mouth and I will show you what to say and when to say it."

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Erin & Friend; Been there, done that; Ruth musical

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Bullfrog.

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Exodus 4:12-18

But Moses said, "Oh God! I'm not even good enough to be your dummy! Please, for the love of your own name, send somebody else!"

There was a dramatic pause, and in a voice that was as smolderingly cold as dry ice, God said "What about your brother Aaron the Levite? He is very eloquent. Even now, he is coming to meet you, and when he meets you, he will be glad. You will speak with him, for I will be putting the words in your mouth. I will be with your mouth, and I will be with his mouth. And I will teach you. He indeed shall speak for you to the people; he will be your mouth, and you shall serve as God for him, speech impediment or no speech impediment. Now take this staff with which you shall perform these signs, and get busy. GO!"

Trembling, Moses went back to his father-in-law Jethro and practically begged, "Please! Let me go back to my folks in Egypt and to see if they're still alive!"

And Jethro, wondering what had suddenly put the fear of God into his son-in-law, simply told him to "Go in peace."

[ 25. April 2008, 14:39: Message edited by: Bullfrog. ]

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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg

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Lynn MagdalenCollege
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Exodus 4:19-26

I WAS AM WILL BE told Moses to return to Egypt because the men who wanted to kill him were all dead. So Moses took The Staff™ and his wife Zipporah and their sons and let them ride on a donkey as they returned to Egypt.

I WAS AM WILL BE said, "Make sure you perform all My Mighty Wonders™ in front of Pharaoh himself, those wonders I've given you power to do - but note: I will harden his heart and he won't let the people go as you ask. Then you will say, 'I WAS AM WILL BE says to you, "Israel is My son, My firstborn and I say to you, 'Let My son go free in order to serve Me' - but you refuse. Therefore I will kill your son, your firstborn."'"

This was probably not a message Moses was anxious to deliver to The Most Powerful Leader in the Known World...

That night when they stopped to rest on the way to Egypt, I WAS AM WILL BE met Moses with the intention of killing him.

That's a dramatic change; what happened to all this, "Go to Pharaoh and tell him" stuff? you may well ask.

In reaction to the LORD's imminent attack on Moses, Zipporah quickly got up and took a flint knife and circumcised her son; she cast the bloody foreskin to the ground at Moses' feet and cried out, "You are my bloody husband!"

So I WAS AM WILL BE let Moses live, when Zipporah called him her husband of blood on account of the circumcision.

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Erin & Friend; Been there, done that; Ruth musical

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Lynn MagdalenCollege
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Exodus 4:27-31

Meanwhile back in Egypt, I WAS AM WILL BE spoke to Light Bringer, brother of Drawn Out, and told him to go meet Drawn Out in the wilderness. So off into the wilderness he went and, sure enough, there was Drawn Out Moses at God's mountain. Kissing and hugging ensued (and probably tears, too--). Moses told Aaron all about the curious incident of the bush-which-burned-but-was-not-consumed and I WAS AM WILL BE and His Mighty Wonders™ which he was to perform before Pharaoh.

So the two brothers called together all the Israelite elders and Light Bringer spoke the words which I WAS AM WILL BE spoke to Drawn Out, who then performed His Mighty Wonders™ for the people. With much ooohing and aaahing the people believed. And upon learning that God had not forgotten them but instead saw their sorry condition and hard service and planned their liberation - well, they fell on their faces and worshiped the King of the Universe, I WAS AM WILL BE.

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Erin & Friend; Been there, done that; Ruth musical

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the parsley sage
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Exodus 5:1-4
Drawn Out and Light Bringer went to The Most Powerful Head of State in the World and said, "Simon - I mean... I WAS AM WILL BE says...'Let my people go and have a party in the desert'"

But TMPHOSITW said, "I don't know I WAS AM WILL BE. Make me."

Then Light Bringer and Drawn Out said, "Well can we have a long weekend to go and sacrifice to I WAS AM WILL BE? Only he said something about biological warfare..."

But TMPHOSITW said, "Yeah right. Go back to work!"

[ 01. May 2008, 12:48: Message edited by: the parsley sage ]

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Boys in books are better

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Nigel M
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Exodus 5:5-12

TMPHOSITW (an Egyptian name, hieroglyphed as Hillock-owl-snake-cane-hillock, or Tim Foster in the vulgar) was blaming Drawn Out and Light Bringer (not necessarily in that order) for encouraging the withdrawal of labour across the industry.

Being an industrial capitalist not prone to pause over matters health-and-safety, Tim issued Executive Order No. 1 for that day to his chain of command (also known as the commanders of chains):

TO: All managers
FROM: CEO
Date: Now
FOR ACTION URGENT AND IMMEDIATE

It has come to my notice that work quotas are not being filled and that Union agitation is likely at the root of this. This is bang out of order.

From today, therefore, I am cancelling the free provision of widgets for the making of gadgets. From now on, the workers can Google for their own widgets. The quota levels remain unchanged. I hold you responsible for ensuring the workers pull their fingers out and get stuck in. You are NOT, repeat NOT, to pay any attention to Union propaganda.

While I'm at it, there will be no Ra Celebration this year. And the Thoth festival is cancelled. Ditto the Horus Holiday.

END

So the chain commanders notified the workers that widgets were out, but that gadgets were still very much in. The horrified workers had to engage in some fast world-wide web searching for their own widget-compatible tools.

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Bullfrog.

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Exodus 5:6-20

(viewed through the hermeneutic lens of Office Space)

The regional managers took one look at the memo, and grinned at each other. A flood of memos surged forth. Some of them got very creative, inventing further hoops such as "TCP reports" and "cover sheets" that had to be created in addition to these widgets.

The middle managers, who happened to be Israelite, were not so fortunate, as they were caught in the vise between their their Egyptian superiors under TMPHOSITW and the labor, who were loudly expressing their dissatisfaction with this new policy.

The Egyptians took their Israelite inferiors to task, crying "Why did you not provide your quota of gadgets? What are you, lazy or something?" Signs went up everywhere saying The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves, Don't Work Harder, work Smarder!, and Achievment.

The Israelites, upset with this treatment, went over their bosses' heads and complained directly to TMPHOSITW, saying "Why do you treat us this way? We've only got Windows 3.1 machines, man! We can't make them run any faster! You tell us to 'make gadgets,' but you deny us the necessary widgets! And when production drops, you force us to attend stupid meetings and put up posters that are painful to the eye and draining to the soul! What gives? Why are you screwing us over so"

TMPHOSITW accused them all of laziness. It was his idea of a motivational speech.

The middle managers realized that they were irrevocably screwed when TMPHOSITW mentioned, in the midst of his spiel, almost as an afterthought, "Oh, by the way, we need to double production for that huge order from Pyramids, Inc. next week."

As they were walking out of the meeting, they found Light Bringer and Drawn Out waiting for them.

[ 01. May 2008, 17:29: Message edited by: Bullfrog. ]

--------------------
Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg

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Lynn MagdalenCollege
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Exodus 5:21-6:9

"You lousy guys! You've made us a stench in TMPHOSITW's fine aquiline nostrils! You might as well have put machine guns in the managers' hands! May GOD judge you for this!" and they went off gnashing their teeth in frustration.

Moses cried out to the LORD, "What are You doing? What are You having me do?! You said You were going to make things better for 'Your people' but instead You've made it worse - and You used me to make it worse! WHY?!!! The Most Powerful Head Of State In The World has turned on the children of Israel and You have not saved them at all!"

The LORD figuratively rubbed His figurative hands together. "You just wait and see what I do to Pharaoh; you think it's a big deal he's the most powerful head of state in the world? No, he will bow to My demands and I will compel him to let the Hebrews go. I Am the One Who Was Is and Will Be; I showed Myself to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob as El Shaddai, God Almighty, but I didn't share My name with them. I made My covenant with them to give them the land of Canaan, where they traveled and dwelt. And I've heard the cry of their offspring, in hard service to the Egyptians, and I haven't forgotten My covenant with Israel.

"Go tell the sons of Israel, 'I WAS AM WILL BE and I will liberate you from the oppression and bring you out of Egypt with a mighty arm - and I've got a long reach! I will pass judgment on Egypt as I bring you out. I will make you My people and I will be your God and you will know that I am the LORD your God who liberated you from Egypt. I will bring you to the land I promised to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to be your own possession. I Am the LORD!"

Moses was encouraged by what the LORD told him and he shared it with the sons of Israel, just as God instructed, but they were so discouraged and beaten down they weren't able to receive his words.

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Erin & Friend; Been there, done that; Ruth musical

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the parsley sage
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Exodus 6:10-13

Then the Lord said to Drawn Out "Go tell TMPHOSITW to let my people go!"

But Drawn Out said "The Israelites they no listen to me. TMPHOSITW no listen to me neither. Me no speak good."

But the Lord spoke to Drawn Out AND Light Bringer and told them this was not a request. It was an order. "Take my people out of Egypt!!!"

[forgot reference]

[ 06. May 2008, 06:23: Message edited by: the parsley sage ]

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Lynn MagdalenCollege
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Exodus 6:14-30

And these are the heads of the households, starting with the sons of Reuben, Israel's firstborn: Hanoch, Pallu, Hezron and Carmi. Next Simeon's sons: Jemuel, Jamin, Ohad, Jachin, Zohar and Shaul. Then the sons of Levi (who lived 137 years, God bless 'im): Gershon, Kohath and Merari.

Gershon's sons were Libni and Shimei; Kohath's sons were Amram, Izhar, Hebron and Uzziel (and Kohath lived 133 years). The sons of Merari were
Mahli and Mushi. These are the Levites.

Amram (a grandson of Levi) married his father's sister, Jochebed, and she gave birth to Aaron and Moses (and a daughter named Miriam, Pride of the Tribe - more on her later). Amram also lived 137 years.

And there's lots more sons of Kohath, the son of Levi; it's kind of like a play book so we can know the cast of characters and understand that a lot of the trouble yet to come happens within the context of family. So Izhar had Korah, Nepheg and Zichri. Uzziel had Mishael, Elzaphan and Sithri.

Aaron married Amminadab's daughter Elisheba, the sister of Nahshon; their sons were Nadab, Abihu, Eleazar and Ithamar.

Korah's sons were Assir, Elkanah and Abiasaph; they make up the Korahites.

Aaron's son Eleazar married a daughter of Putiel; they had Phinehas. These are the heads of the households of the Levites.

And this is the very same Aaron and Moses we've been reading about, the ones to whom I WAS AM WILL BE said, "Liberate the children of Israel! Get them out of Egypt!" They went before TMPHOSITW and asked him to let the people go.

So on the day that I WAS AM WILL BE said, "I AM the LORD; go tell TMPHOSITW everything I tell you to tell him," Moses said, "I'm a lousy speaker. TMPHOSITW won't listen to me - will he?"

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Erin & Friend; Been there, done that; Ruth musical

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the parsley sage
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Exodus 7:1-7

The Lord said to Moses, "I have a new game for you. It's kind of a cross between dress-ups and a game that will one day be called Chinese Whispers. Here's how it works: You get to be me, and your brother (Aaron) will be your prophet (that's the dress-ups part). Then I tell you something, and you tell Aaron, and he tells TMPHOSITW and we see if TMPHOSITW gets it right! The message is Let my people go!. Sounds easy, doesn't it?

"But it won't be. I'm going to make it so that TMPHOSITW doesn't listen, so that will spoil the game. Then I'll come and work my magic, but he still won't listen. Then I'll open a can of kick-ass on Egypt and the Israelites can play another game called Following the Leader. And they'll know I WAS AM WILL BE. Easy-peasy!"

Moses and Aaron were still playing I WAS AM WILL BE Says, so they did what they were told. Moses was 80 and Aaron was 83. Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks?

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amber.
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Exodus 7 vv 8-13

So, Him Upstairs said to Moses and Aaron, "If the Pharaoh says to you, “Don’t believe a bloomin’ word of it – let’s see you prove it, eh?” then I’ve got something up my sleeve that should tickle his fancy."

(Moses privately regretted God ever buying a copy of the Handy Guide to Idioms, but daren't say as much).

God continued, "What you’ve got to do is take your walking stick and throw it in front of you and I guarantee it’ll become a snake. No, honest, there’s no need to look at me like that – it will."

Moses and Aaron glanced at each other in a, “You keep him talking, I’ll go get the doctor” sort of way, but agreed to have a go anyway. So off to see the Pharaoh they went, complete with said stick, and right in front of Pharaoh and his servants the stick was laid down and promptly became a snake.

You’d think Pharaoh was going to be impressed, but nope. Instead, he called for his team of magicians and hangers-on, who threw down their own sticks, and those became snakes too.

Moses, luckily, had the winning snake, and the rest were soon a tasty snack for his one.

Pharaoh was still not impressed, and refused to take a bit of notice of them, exactly as Him Upstairs had forecast. Drat.

[ 15. May 2008, 12:08: Message edited by: amber. ]

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Nigel M
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Exodus 7:14-24

Then I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU said to Drawn-Out:
“Hard is the heart of TMPHOSITW; he won't let the people go.
So go to him in the morning; and watch the place where he bathes.
Stand in the way and confront him; the snake-staff take in your hand.
Tell him 'WITH-US the aliens' God; he sent me to you to say,
“Send my people to serve me; In the desert is where they should be!”
But up until now you've been deaf! So WITH-US is now saying this:
“By this you will know I am WITH-US; I'll be striking the staff on the water.
And the water will turn into blood! The fish in the river will die.
The river will send up a stink; your people will be fed up with drinking.”'

Then I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU said to Drawn-Out:
“Tell Light-Bringer to take up your staff; tell him to hold out his hand.
Hold them over the streams of the land; the waters, canals and the cisterns.
That way they'll turn into blood; in all of the land there'll be blood.
Including the buckets and jars; And one day I'll teach you to rhyme.”

Drawn-Out and Light-Bringer did Just That. Just all of That. He raised the staff, he struck the river's water right before the eyes of TMPHOSITW and his civil servants – and all the river's water turned to blood. The fish in the water died, the river stank, and the country's citizens could not drink the water. There was blood all over the land.

But – another But – the country's pharmacists did exactly the same thing and claimed the intellectual property.

And – another And – TMPHOSITW was encouraged to ignore That which Drawn-Out and Light-Bringer had Just done. Just as I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU had predicted. TMPHOSITW did a dramatic about face, harumphed back into his State Residence and refused even to ask for a policy options paper on the issue. Truly he was a legend in his own lunchtime.

Mind you, the country's citizens still had to dig around the river to find water fit to drink; they were still unable to drink water directly from the river. Realpolitik was in the air.

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Lynn MagdalenCollege
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Exodus 7:25 - 8:15

A week passed after I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU turned the Nile into blood when He said to Drawn-Out, "Get yourself before TMPHOSITW and reiterate, 'The Most Holy, Revered and Powerful God Whom I serve says, "Let My people go in order that they may serve Me. And don't you dare not let them go because, if you don't, I will smite you with such a mighty smiting-- it's going to be frogs, more frogs' legs than you could ever consume even if you were French; they will fill the Nile and sweep across the land, into your house and your bedroom and even your bed, into the houses of all your servants and all your people, filling even their ovens and mixing bowls. You will have frogs to the max."'"

So I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU to Drawn-Out to tell Light-Bringer (note the hierarchy) to stretch his arm, staff in hand, out over all the water of Egypt and make the frogs come upon the land.

And he did.

And they did.

But the magical movers and shakers and research geneticists at the behest of TMPHOSITW managed to replicate the smiting action, adding frogs of their own to the bazillions of frogs hopping under foot and under bed and throughout Egypt.

So TMPHOSITW called for Drawn-Out and Light-Bringer and wheedled: "Ask your Lord to stop with the frog smiting, from me and oh yeah, my people too, and I'll let your people go so y'all can sacrifice to your God and placate Him."

Drawn-Out felt a glow of satisfaction; "Your MPHOSITWness, you have the honor of telling me, when shall I make this request on behalf of yourself and your servants and your people, in order that the frogs will cease and desist inappropriately upon the land and resume living in the Nile, as they ought?"

TMPHOSITW, being no fool, told him to do it the very next day. Drawn-Out said, "As you have spoken it will be, in order that you would know there is none other like I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU, our God. The frogs will leave you and your houses and your servants and your people and will live only in the Nile where they belong."

Drawn-Out and Light-Bringer left TMPHOSITW and Drawn-Out interceded mightily on his behalf with I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU and He graciously did as Moses asked: all the frogs all over the land, in the ovens and the mixing bowls and the bedrooms and the houses and the courtyards and the fields, they all died. The Egyptians piled the frog corpses in great piles, all over the land.

Just imagine the stench.

But TMPHOSITW, seeing that the frogs were safely dead and piled in piles, returned once again to his customary stance of arrogance and stubbornness and refused to honor the promise he made regarding the children of Israel - just as I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU said he would.

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Erin & Friend; Been there, done that; Ruth musical

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Bullfrog.

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Exodus 8:16-19

So God spoke again to Moses, "Tell Aaron to stretch out his staff...no, not that staff...stretch out his staff and hit the dirt with it, so that it may become gnats (or maybe they were mosquitoes, or lice, anyway, some manner of small, swarming, biting insect) throughout the whole land of Egypt.

And so Aaron did. And so did they. Aaron stretched out his hand with his staff (stop snickering!) and struck the dust of the earth, and like something out of The Mummy Returns, all of that dust, the millions of motes, became millions upon millions of itty bitty biting insects. And they bit the people, and they bit the animals; they bit anything that could bleed, really. And lo, there was great scratching of irritable skin throughout the land of Egypt.

The court magicians, playing their assigned role in this deified pissing contest, tried to conjure up a similar swarm, but the best they could manage was a handful of itching powder. They just couldn't do it, so they whined to TMPHOSITW, "This is the finger of HE WHO IS WITH THOSE PEOPLE IN VARIOUS TENSES! His power is too strong. We cannot match him!"

But TMPHOSITW, true to form and to God's word, had a truly sclerotic heart; he would not listen to them, just as God said.

--------------------
Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg

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the parsley sage
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Exodus 8:20-23

I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU said to Drawn Out, "Right, no more late starts for you. Set your alarm, get up early, and go meet TMPHOSITW on his way to the river. This time say,

"I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-US says,

Let my people go! Let them go worship me! Or else. I will send more flies than you can imagine - in your houses, on you and your posse and everyone else. The flies will fill up your houses and cover the ground.

But my people are special; they won't have to deal with flies. That's coz I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-THEM am in their land (Goshen), not in yours (Egypt). My people get special treatment.

It'll be a miracle. You have until tomorrow.
"

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Lynn MagdalenCollege
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Exodus 8:24-32

And I WAS AM WILL BE did just as He said: massive quantities of flies filled the houses of TMPHOSITW and his servants and all his people and it was devastating throughout the land of Egypt.

TMPHOSITW called for Drawn-Out and Light-Bringer and said, "Go already! Sacrifice to your (yes, I confess, I admit it) powerful deity - but do it here, within the land.

Moses said, "No can do. The things we sacrifice to the LORD are abominations* to the Egyptians; if we do it here your people will stone us. No, we must travel for three days into the wilderness in order to safely sacrifice to I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-US as He has commanded us to do."

TMPHOSITW said, "Okay, okay, go into the wilderness but don't go very far away. Sacrifice to I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU your God and throw in a little sacrifice on behalf too, will you?"

Drawn-Out said, "Yes, I'll leave here and entreat I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-US that He would remove the plague of flies - but do not let TMPHOSITW deal treacherously again and renege on his promise to let the people go into the wilderness and worship the LORD with sacrifices."

Moses did as he said he would.

And I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU did as He said He would.

But TMPHOSITW did not do as he said he would; instead he dug his heels in deeper and resisted harder and his cardiolithic condition grew more severe.


*the whole "sheep and shepherds are offensive and abominable to Egyptians" thing... kinda weird, eh?

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Erin & Friend; Been there, done that; Ruth musical

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Nigel M
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Exodus 9:1-7

Then I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU said to Drawn-Out for the fifth time: “Go to TMPHOSITW...”

“Ooh! Ooh! Wait a bit – I think I'm getting the hang of this!” Said Drawn-Out, pulling some note cards from his sleeve and shuffling through them, “Hang on – here we are – 'Get me behind Aaron while he standeth before TMPHOSITW and saith, “Thus sayeth I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU, the God of the Aliens: 'Let My People Go To Serve Me!'”'”?

“Very good” said God, “You're showing promise, though I nearly lost track of your quotation marks. And you need to brush up on your colloquialisms a bit. Now, in addition say that if he refuses and continues to hold them – are you getting this?”

“Hmm Hmm.” Said Drawn-Out, scribbling furiously.

“Tell him, 'Watch Out! I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU's Hand will most definitely bring Mad Cow disease on your cows, Hydatids on your horses, Diarrhoea on your donkeys, Constipation on your camels, Goat Pox on your goats and Scrapie on your sheep.'”

Pause.

“It's spelt D-I-A-R-R-H-O-E-A” said God.

“Also tell him that his animals will be a-pested, but the aliens' will be a-parted. It's a pun – a play on words, though he won't understand it because he doesn't speak your language. Right; synchronise sundials. I will do This Thing tomorrow.

“Right then,” said Drawn-Out to Light-Bringer, “Off you go; I'm right behind you.”

Sure enough, on the following day, I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU did This Thing. TMPHOSITW dispatched his Chief Vet to assess the situation and found that none of the aliens' animals had been affected. TMPHOSITW's heart, however, continued its onward course to ossification.

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the parsley sage
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Exodus 9:8-12

I-AM-IN-MANY-TENSES-WITH-YOU said to Drawn Out and Light Bringer "Stick your hands in a furnace - don't forget to put the fire out first! [Roll Eyes] - and get a handful of ashes. Then go throw the ashes in the air in front of TMPHOSITW. What? You don't think that'll make him listen? Well how about this: Biological warfare. The ashes spread like dust through all of TMPHOSITW's land. They will cause REALLY BAD acne on all the Egyptians and their animals."

So Drawn Out and Light Bringer went and got a handful of ashes from a furnace (after putting the fire out first), and went and threw them at TMPHOSITW. They got some strange looks from witnesses. Then the boils started breaking out all over the people and animals. TMPHOSITW tried to call his magic people out again, but they refused to be seen in public with such bad skin.

But the ossification of TMPHOSITW's heart continued unabated. He may also have developed a bad case of selective hearing. I-AM-IN-MANY-TENSES-WITH-YOU knew this already, of course.

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Boys in books are better

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la vie en rouge
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Then God said to Mo, ‘Same again tomorrow, back to Pharaoh’s. I’ve got a lot on tomorrow, so I’ll need you to be getting there nice and early. Here’s what you say:

‘Further to our earlier correspondance (enc.), we note with regret that you have failed to attend to our previous notices regarding worshipping rights for the Hebrew community. We must now therefore request with the greatest urgency that the Hebrews be accorded their statutory annual leave in order to fulfil their sacrificing requirements. If such leave is not accorded in the most timely manner, further penalties will be incurred. Although we have not yet invoked the full force of current legislation, you ought to be advised that we consider this to be an important test case and that the consequences of further disregard for our requirements are therefore likely to be severe. Specifically, such penalties shall include, but not be limited to, a devastating hailstorm, resulting in considerable damage to livestock.’

That night everyone tuned into the weather forecast at the end of the six o’clock news. ‘Tonight we have a severe weather warning for you. As you see, here is an area of high pressure which will be arriving overnight bringing with it heavy rain and hail. This will be leading to dangerous driving conditions, we also advise you to bring in livestock from the fields, because this is looking like one of the worst storms on record.’

The people who’d decided that Pharaoh could destroy himself if he wanted but they weren’t joining in brought in their livestock and slaves. Other people assumed that the weather forecast was making it up as usual and left them out.

Next morning, Moses lifted up his staff in a dramatic manner and in came the storm! It was the worst anyone could remember - twelve inches of rain in half an hour, hail and great forks of lightning. It ruined the flax and barley harvests, although the wheat and spelt weren’t in bloom yet so starvation was staved off for the time being.

This time Pharaoh decided that he might possibly have bitten off more than he could chew. ‘Fine,’ he snarled. ‘I should have let you go. Go take your stupid three days off.’ ‘That’ll do nicely’, said Mo, lifted up a hand, and stopped the storm.

Afterwards, Pharaoh had a little think. ‘That was easy,’ he mused. ‘You just say you’re sorry, and you get what you want. Might as well keep the slaves then.’

(Exod 9 : 13-35)

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the parsley sage
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Exodus 10:1-2

"Hey, Drawn Out," said I-AM-IN-MANY-TENSES-WITH-YOU, "Guess what? It's me making TMPHOSITW so stubborn! SURPRISE! It gives me a chance to show off. Isn't it great? Won't this be a great story to tell your grandkids? All about how I was so hard on the Egyptians, and also how awesome my miracles were.... It'll be great. And they'll all know that I am I-AM-IN-MANY-TENSES-WITH-THEM."

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Boys in books are better

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Lynn MagdalenCollege
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Exodus 10:3-20

Drawn Out and Light Bringer went once again to TMPHOSITW and said, "Hey! We are not speaking for ourselves! We're speaking for I-AM-IN-MANY-TENSES-WITH-YOU, the God of the Hebrews (who you may despise because we're just slaves but that's only because you've forgotten how Joseph saved your bacon. And we don't even eat the stuff) - the LORD says, 'how long do I have to put up with your stubbornness? How long will you resist Me in your pride, refusing to let My people go worship Me? If you don't yield and let them go by tomorrow, I will bring a devastation of locusts upon you and your land. It will be sooo bad you won't be able to see the ground. And they're hungry. Your meager crops after the hail? Consider them gone, every green blade, leaf and tree, and your houses will be full of locusts unless you stop resisting Me. You have never seen anything like this, not you, not your ancestors, not as long as humans have walked the face of the earth.'"

And with that Moses and Aaron turned on their heels and walked out of Pharaoh's palace.

They may or may not have high-fived but TMPHOSITW's advisers and flunkies turned to Pharaoh and said, "What, are you nuts?!" (but in a kiss-up manner so as not to get themselves killed) "How long are you going to let these two brothers and their God mess with Egypt? The land is reeling, we are destroyed. Let those people go!"

TMPHOSITW had Drawn Out and Light Bringer brought back into his presence and said, "Okay, okay - you can go serve your God. Wait-- how many of you are going, anyway?"

Drawn Out told him right out, "We're all going: young, old, men, women, flocks, everything - because we have to hold a great feast and celebration."

A disturbing smile spread across TMPHOSITW's face: "What, you think I'm crazy? You think I'll let you take your children with you? No no no no, you will never take them out of Egypt - you're just trying to deceive me. No, you can take the men and make your offerings; that should suffice." And he threw Moses and Aaron out into the street.

I-AM-IN-MANY-TENSES-WITH-YOU now said to Drawn Out, "Stretch out your hand over all Egypt in order that the locusts might come upon the land and devour every edible plant."

And Moses did just that and an east wind rose up and blew all day and all night and the following morning the locusts rode upon the wind. They completely inundated Egypt, covering every field and corner, locusts like you wouldn't believe. There have never been so many locusts on the face of the earth nor will there ever be so many locusts again. They completely devastated Egypt, eating every bit of vegetation.

TMPHOSITW panics (better late than never, eh?) and has Moses and Aaron brought in. "I've sinned against your God! I'll even admit I've sinned against the two of you. I'm sorry, I'll let you go, now just make the locusts go away because they're killing us. Please. Ask your God nicely on my behalf."

So they left and made an appeal to the LORD and I-AM-IN-MANY-TENSES-WITH-YOU caused the wind to change direction and an almost-gale-force wind came from the west and picked up all the locusts and carried them into the Red Sea; they were all gone.

But the LORD recalcified Pharaoh's heart so that once again he refused to honor his word and let the Hebrew people go.

--------------------
Erin & Friend; Been there, done that; Ruth musical

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Nigel M
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Exodus 10:21-29

Then I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU said to Drawn-Out, “Stretch out your hand to point to the sky. There will be a real, tangible, darkness over this land of the Sun God.”

So Drawn-Out did his charismatic hand-to-the-heavens routine and a frighteningly absolute blackness covered the land for three whole days. This was interesting, because although the people of the land of the Sun God couldn't see beyond the end of their noses and had to cower in their homes for those three days, the descendants of God-Fights were pondering where they could get some high-value shades from.

Then TMPHOSITW called out to Drawn-Out, “All right, Go! Take your people and serve this I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU. However, your livestock will be detained here.”

Drawn-Out replied, “So you'll provide us with the sacrifices and burnt offerings for I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU, then? Hardly! Come on, we need our livestock, the whole livestock and nothing but our livestock. How are we to know exactly what our God will want us to do until we get there? We need to go prepared.”

'Flip' went TMPHOSITW's heart as TMPHOSITW pressed the Calcify switch again. “I've changed my mind,” bellowed TMPHOSITW, “Quit bothering me and get out! I'm warning you – just watch your back. If I ever see you again, you will die!”

“So be it,” huffed Drawn-Out, “I'll never, ever, come before you again.”

And dramatically swinging his cloak about him, he swung about and exited stage left.

Posts: 2826 | From: London, UK | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged
Lynn MagdalenCollege
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# 10651

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Exodus 11

I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU said to Drawn-Out, "There is one final plague I have reserved for Pharaoh and Egypt - after this plague he will indeed let you go, he will drive you out of the land.

"Go and announce to the people, tell them to go to their neighbors and ask for articles of gold and silver." I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU gave the Hebrews favor with the Egyptians and Moses himself was highly-esteemed by TMPHOSITW's household and managers.

Drawn-Out explained to the people, "I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU says that 'round about midnight He is going out into the land of Egypt and all the firstborn of Egypt are going to die, from the poorest of the poor to Pharaoh's own child. Even the Egyptian cattle will suffer this plague. And a cry of anguish will rise up from the land, such as has never been heard before nor will again! But nothing will happen against Israel, not so much as a dog barking, so that all the world may know that God differentiates between Egypt and Israel."

And turning to TMPHOSITW for the last time, Drawn-Out said, "Your own servants are going to come to me and say, 'Leave us! Go worship your God, you and all your people--' and, at that point, I will indeed leave." And, nostrils flared in anger, Moses left the palace of Most Powerful Head Of State In The World .

I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU said, "He won't listen to you, you know-- but it has a purpose: in order that My Mighty Wonders™ may be fully displayed in the land of Egypt."

And indeed, Drawn-Out and Light-Bringer performed all God's Mighty Wonders™ in the presence of TMPHOSITW - yet the Lord hardened Pharaoh's heart and he refused to release the children of Israel.

--------------------
Erin & Friend; Been there, done that; Ruth musical

Posts: 6263 | From: California | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged
Bullfrog.

Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014

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YHWH said to Moses and Aaron who were still at this time in the land of Egypt: "This month will be for you the beginning of months. In other words, it shall be the first month of the year. Since first things are important, you know there must be a liturgy. Now, listen closely...

Tell the whole congregation of Israel, man, woman, and child, that they are to take a lamb for each family. That's one lamb per family, got it? If they're too small for a whole lamb, they may join with their neighbors, and the lamb will be divided evenly among all present, in proportion with the number of people who eat it. The lamb must be without blemish, so no warts, infections, or apparent venereal disease, it shall be a male yearling. It doesn't matter whether it's a sheep or a goat, just pick a lamb, any lamb (that fits the previous stipulations). You follow?"

Moses and Aaron nodded.

"Very good. You shall keep this lamb...Yes, Moses, the wartless yearling male sheep or goat lamb, that lamb...you shall keep this lamb until the fourteenth day...where? I don't care where you keep it! Just keep it, ok?...and then the whole congregation shall slaughter it at twilight."

Moses raised his hand, tentatively. YHWH looked impatient. "What is your question?" he asked. "Oh, I-AM-WITH-YOU-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES

--------------------
Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg

Posts: 7522 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged
Bullfrog.

Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014

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(apologies for the double post...I accidentally posted by keystroke and by the time I got to the first half-post to delete it, it was past edit-time)

Exodus 12:1-6, continued

...do you intend for the entire congregation of Israel to slaughter each and every family's lamb, or do you mean to say that each and every member of the congregation of Israel shall slaughter their particular family's lamb? Somehow, I don't think having the whole group slaughter each lamb individually would be very efficient..."

YHWH sighed, and responded, "Yes, you fool! I mean to say that each and every Israelite, as part of the great community of Israel, must slaughter their familial lamb. The whole congregation is slaughtering lambs as a single group, that's what I meant. Anyway...they're to slaughter these lambs at twilight..."

[ 10. June 2008, 15:23: Message edited by: Bullfrog. ]

--------------------
Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg

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amber.
Ship's Aspiedestra
# 11142

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Exodus 12: 7-11

"...and also", God continued, "you're to splash a bit of lamb's blood about on the doorframes". Moses and Aaron were looking very puzzled, but decided not to ask questions about that. ("Her indoors'll be cross at the mess" whispered Moses...)

God fixed them with a steely stare. The whispering stopped.

"Now, a decent recipe", God said. "I'd suggest roast lamb, a selection of herbs, and a nice bit of unleavened bread with it myself. Well done, so none of this "medium rare please, Chef" stuff, and no namby-pamby boiling it or making it into pretty steaks and ribs first. And no leftovers either. Waste not, want not. That's what I say. And if it's not too much trouble, do dress for dinner. I can't wait all night for you lot to eat it either, so hurry up."

Posts: 5102 | From: Central South of England | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged
Nigel M
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Exodus 12:12-20
“But while you are hurrying up, listen up. It's Judgement Day. All the gods of the most powerful nation on earth are going down. They think every firstborn creature belongs to them. Well, this very night I will take every firstborn away from them. I AM the I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU.

“That blood on the doorframes will be a sign for me to pass over that house. No judgement will touch you when I strike at the land. I want you to remember this day, you and all your descendants, forever. Make it a Holiday. No, actually, make it a Holiweek. For seven days I want you to eat Matzot. Do it like this: on the first...

“Matzot. It's unleavened bread. On the first day, get rid...

“Unleavened bread. It's bread made without yeast for goodness sake. On the first day, get rid of all of the...

“Yeast. For crying out loud, ask Miriam. Get rid of any yeast from your houses – if I catch anyone yeasting during that Holiweek, they will be out of the gang. I want you to hold a Holimeeting on day one and day seven. You all get time off that week; relax – except for prepping the food, of course.

“We'll call this Holiweek 'The Matzot' so you don't forget the recipe and the fact that I brought all of you out of the most powerful nation on earth. It will be the beginning of your year.”

Drawn-Out had just finished etching “Matzot” onto a tablet. “Sorry God, could you run that past me one more time?”

So I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU did.

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Lynn MagdalenCollege
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Exodus 12:21-30

So Drawn-Out called together the elders of Israel and instructed them regarding the selection of their lamb and according to the size of their households, when to slaughter the pesach lamb, and how to take a bundle of hyssop, dip it in the blood of the lamb which has been caught in a basin, and strike the doorposts and lintel with the blood.

Drawn-Out warned all Israel not to step outside until morning because I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU would pass over the land in order to strike the Egyptians and when the LORD sees the blood marking the entrance to their homes, I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU will pass over their homes without letting the destroyer destroy them because Israel bears the mark of His covenant.

Drawn-Out told the elders of Israel that all Israel was to observe this event for all time, that when Israel enters the land I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU has promised to give them they will keep this feast and explain its meaning and significance to the children of every generation, saying "it is the pesach sacrifice to I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU Who passed over our houses when we were slaves in Egypt but struck down the first-born of Egypt.

Everybody was awestruck and bowed down to worship I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU and after that all the people did exactly as I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU instructed Drawn-Out to instruct them.

And in the middle of the night I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU smote all the firstborn throughout the land of Egypt, from Pharaoh's child to the prisoner's child to the firstborn even of the Egyptian cattle.

In the middle of the night The Most Powerful Head Of State In The World got up and all his household got up, too. There was a heartrending cry throughout the whole land of Egypt as has never been before nor will be again because every household lost a soul that night when the LORD executed the last of His Mighty Wonders™.

--------------------
Erin & Friend; Been there, done that; Ruth musical

Posts: 6263 | From: California | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged
Bullfrog.

Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014

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Executed, indeed...

Exodus 12:31-32

(warning: post contains profanity. It seemed appropriate...)

Then TMPHOSITW, grief stricken, screamed, "Somebody get those fucking Jews in here, NOW!" And so they were summoned. And the most powerful monarch of the hour said to them, "OK. You've made your point."

Moses coughed.

"OK, that genocidal fiend who's with you in too many tenses has made his fucking point. He doesn't fuck around. Fine. Point made. Now rise and get your holy circumcised asses outta my country before I chop them off. You and the fucking tribes and all the cows and asses your sorry butts rode in on. I don't wanna see another single YHWH-fearing freak come near this place. Ya hear me? Worship your homicidal maniac as you see fit, just don't do it around here. SCRAM! BEGONE! GIT!"

And while you're at it, please, for the love that all that is merciful, ask your god to bless me. Ra knows I'm going to need it. Now, please. Leave. Now."

They thought they heard sobbing as they all-but-ran out of the room...

--------------------
Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg

Posts: 7522 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged
Bullfrog.

Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014

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(sorry, couldn't resist the temptation to write some more)

Exodus 12:33-42

As the Hebrews fled, they noticed a deafening silence. The Egyptians, up to now their neighbors, all stood away. Hands rose, warding off the evil eye as mouths muttered strange prayers; holy trinkets were fondled and not a single person dared to make eye contact. The terror was palpable. Every single one of them felt. A former friend walked up to one of the Hebrews and whispered, "Please. Leave now, else we shall all be dead."

The Hebrews, perhaps equally mystified at what had happened, hastened to pack their bags. Some had this strange feeling that if they didn't leave now, the second Pharaoh got his wits together again, they'd all be dead, and rather painfully.

So they packed. They were in such haste that the bread they brought was unleavened. They carried their kneading bowls wrapped in their cloaks on their shoulders. All of this was done in near complete silence.

Also, the Israelites had followed Moses' advice, and rather conveniently asked for loans of jewelry, silver, gold, and for clothing. YHWH had given them favor in the sight of the Egyptians. Depending on how you look at it, this was either a fantastic heist or an unfathomable act of generosity on the Egyptians' part. Most likely it was the former, for it is written that they plundered the Egyptians.

The immense train of people began to move, on foot, more or less in unison, from Ramses to Succoth, all 600,000 men on foot, plus children. Along with them went a mixed crowd, and livestock, both flocks and herds. They baked their unleavened cakes of the dough they had brought, it was flat and crispy, for they had not had time to wait as they fled Egypt, nor had they prepared any provisions for themselves.

The Israelites had been in Egypt for 430 years. AT the end of these years, heck, on the very anniversary of Joseph's entrance, all the companies of the Lord left. For YHWH, it was a night of vigil, to bring them out of the land of Egypt. This vigil is a tradition to be kept for YHWH by all the Israelites throughout their generations. Never forget.

--------------------
Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg

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Nigel M
Shipmate
# 11256

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God became aware of a disturbance in the force. It became necessary to utter more words of God. Quickly.

Ex. 12:43-51

So, I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU said to Drawn-Out and Light-Bringer, “Here is a new Act of Government: The Passover and Yeast Culling Act

Section 1: Participation Restrictions on Non-Citizens.
Section 2: Get-out clause for migrant workers.
Subsection 2(1): Once you have taken the snippers to him.
Section 3: Repeat Section 1 for emphasis.
Section 4: Mono-habito-eating habits.
Subclause 4(1): It shall be a violation to break bones.
Section 5: Onus on entire citizenry to participation.
Section 6: Non-citizen snipper requirements pending participation.
Section 7: Extent and territorial application.

Just as I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU commanded Drawn-Out and Light-Bringer, so the citizens did. That very day, I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU brought all the descendants of God-Struggler away from the most powerful nation in the world. And he did it in their assorted groupings.

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Curiosity killed ...

Ship's Mug
# 11770

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Ex. 13:1-2

So, I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU said to Drawn-Out “Here is a new Act of Government: The Consecration of the First Born

All the First Born, from whichever womb they come, human or beast, are mine.

--------------------
Mugs - Keep the Ship afloat

Posts: 13794 | From: outiside the outer ring road | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged
Nigel M
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Exodus 13:3-10

Drawn-Out was a bit hazy on what I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU meant by that, and he knew that if he was hazy, it was as sure as spit from a camel that the people would see his haze and raise it by a thick smog. He decided to approach the subject slowly; from a different direction.

“Listen up, people” he said, “Today – this very day – yes, the day we were rescued from menial labour, This Day, when I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU showed us his biceps, This Day will be the first month in our new calendar. We'll call it 'Spring', because it's that time of year, you see."

In the absence of anything appropriate in mind to celebrate this propitious event, Drawn-Out reverted to The Passover and Yeast Culling Act. “Celebrate this First Day of 'Spring' by eating yeast-free food” he said. Realising that this didn't sound quite the exiting First Day celebration that it should have, Drawn-Out moved swiftly on to 'The Bright Future.' “I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU will bring us to our new land. Yes, there are some Sons-of-Canaan there, but what's a couple of – couple, OK, the Sons-of-Hit are there as well, but two or three nations... Three, yes, OK, the Sons-of-Amor reside there, too, but we take on four... Four – yes, I should have mentioned the Sons-of-Hivi, but really, I'm sure we can take them out with the digits of one hand. Five digits, that's true; the Sons-of-Jebu have a holding or two – but the point is that this is the land I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU promised to our fathers, their fathers, and their father's fathers. Trust me, if you aren't sure why we should be de-yeasting so often, just bear with it because that land has more supermarkets than you can shake a corner shop at.”

Drawn-Out then explained the reasons for the yeast avoidance day – just as I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU had told him in chapter 12.

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Curiosity killed ...

Ship's Mug
# 11770

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Exodus 13:11-16

Drawn-Out took a deep breath and decided to do his best with the first born bit, as instructed by I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU

"When we get into the Canaanites' country, as you've been promised forever will happen and I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU makes it over to our people, then you must follow this memo. To I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU you must give
  • your first born children and
    your first born animals.
    You'll get your first born children who are boys back,
    You can redeem any first born donkey back by swapping with a lamb or kid, but if you don't you must break the donkey's neck.

To explain this to your sons you will tell them I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU brought us out of Egypt where we were slaves to The Most Powerful Head Of State In The World. TMPHOSITW would not let us go until I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU killed all the first-born in Egypt. This is why you must sacrifice all your first born males to remind you of our rescue from TMPHOSITW."

--------------------
Mugs - Keep the Ship afloat

Posts: 13794 | From: outiside the outer ring road | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged
Nigel M
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Exodus 13:17-18

Now then; so far, so good: TMPHOSITW had finally released the People. However, God formed the view – after careful observation and analysis of this People – that they were of a weak mind and liable to vacillation and buckling at the first sign of trouble. A bit like TMPHOSITW in the absence of neck-stiffening exercises, really.

So God led the People off the main Horus Highway from Egypt to Canaan [Editorial Note: it's that bit of land that later came to be loaded with Pelishtites, but it would be anachronistic to tell the People that just now] so that they would not face early conflict, even though the People were ready to dole out a bunch of fivers. Instead, God led them down the wilderness track to the Sea of Reeds, where, (who knows?) one might find a Bullfrog and a post? You just never know.

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Lynn MagdalenCollege
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# 10651

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Exodus 13:19-22

As they were leaving the land of Egypt forever, Moses took the bones of Joseph with them, just as Joseph made his brothers and nephews and children promise to do. Joseph knew a thing or two about faithfully believing in The LORD even when stuck in the bowels of Pharaoh's prison, rejected by his brothers and presumed dead by his father. He prophesied to them: "God will most certainly take care of you and when you go, you shall carry my bones out of Egypt with you."

So they left Succoth and made camp in Etham on the edge of the wilderness. I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU went before them in the form of a pillar of cloud by day and as a pillar of fire by night, in order that the people could travel both night and day - and thus they traveled with the visible presence of The LORD.

--------------------
Erin & Friend; Been there, done that; Ruth musical

Posts: 6263 | From: California | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged
Autenrieth Road

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# 10509

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Exodus 14:1-4

After leading them for a while with the pillar of cloud by day and the pillar of fire by night, I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU spoke to Drawn Out.

"Tell the people to backtrack to the Mouth of Water, by the Watchtower, where the Lord of the North is, and camp near the Sea."

"What!" said Moses. "Back to practically where TMPHOSITW can see us?"

"Exactly, isn't it a clever plan?" said I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU. "TMPHOSITW will think you're wandering about with no idea where you're going--"

('Damn straight' Drawn Out mumbled)

"--and it will be time for my special cardiossification routine again, what with TMPHOSITW chasing after you with his whole Army, and me getting chances to prove that I'm ME."

('Oy, enough of this identity crisis already, can't we just get the hell out of Dodge already?' Drawn Out mumbled, but figured all things considered it was probably best to do what I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU said.)

So he did, and TMPHOSITW did, and HE-WAS-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-THEM did. As you shall see.

--------------------
Truth

Posts: 9559 | From: starlight | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged



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