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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Kerygmania: EXODUS: The Bible Non-stop
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Charles Had a Splurge on
Shipmate
# 14140
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Posted
Exodus 25: 17-22
I want you to make a cover for this box.
Yes, out of pure gold. 1134mm long and 680mm wide.
I’m going to call this cover the ‘Mercy Seat’. You’ll find out why later.
Then I want you to make two golden statue-im, graven image-im if you like, and put them facing each other at opposite end-im of the Mercy Seat. And the statue-im are going to be of Cherub-im.
What do you mean you don’t know what a Cherub-im looks like?It’s plural for one thing and a winged creature. So, these Cherub-im are to have their wing-im spread upward. And their wing-im cover the Mercy Seat. And they need to be welded on so that they form one piece with the Mercy Seat.
Then you put the cover on the Ark. And you put my commands in the Ark.
Yes, of course you put the commands in first, then put the cover on.
And from now on I’ll meet with you between the Cherub-im, above the Mercy Seat.
That’s where I’ll give you my commands.
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"But to live outside the law, you must be honest" R.A. Zimmerman
Posts: 224 | From: What used to be Berkshire | Registered: Sep 2008
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
And while you're at it, I wanna see a table! This table shall be made of acacia wood (for plywood is profane, and particleboard an abomination). It shall be two cubits long, one cubit wide, and a cubit and a half high.
And you shall overlay it with...
Moses raised his hand enthusiastically and grunted, "oooh oooh! I know! It's gold, isn't it?"
Yes, Moses, I want it all overlaid with gold. I want this table to have a rim a hands-breadth wide (we'll consider Hur's hand to be standard for this one), and a molding of, yes, gold around the rim.
And since this mofo is going to be seriously heavy, you're gonna have to fasten four rings of...wait for it...gold to the corners of the table, by the legs. You shall make poles to insert through these rings and thus carry this table. These rings shall be close to the rim, for reasons of structural stability.
You shall make these poles of acacia wood (none of that cheap stuff!), and, yes, overlay them with, yes, gold. The table shall be carried with these. If it's too heavy, find stronger Israelites.
And because no table is complete without dinnerware, you shall make plates and dishes (for incense), and flagons and bowls (for drink offerings). You know by now what I want all of this made out of, right? Gold! And I want it made of pure gold. Do not go cheapo on me, you hear!
Finally, there shall always be bread of the Presence on this table, before me. Why, you ask? You're not ready for that yet. My Son will tell you what to do with it later.
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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg
Posts: 7522 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006
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Charles Had a Splurge on
Shipmate
# 14140
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Posted
Exodus 25: 31-40
Moses!
There’s more stuff to be made, just like I showed you in the pattern book at the top of the mountain
I’ll need another 35 kilograms of gold. That’s going to cost you 663,920 Euros at Dec 2008 prices.
Now I want this all in one lump and to be beaten out into a seven-branched lampstand. Because Seven is my number.
And I want decorations on my lampstand. Three almond blossoms stamped into each branch. Because of the Trinity, which you’re not going to understand for years. And four almond blossoms on the main stem. Like the four gospels, which again you’re going to have to wait and find out about.
At the end of the branches and the stem, I want you to hammer out a lamp that shines towards the front of the lampstand.
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"But to live outside the law, you must be honest" R.A. Zimmerman
Posts: 224 | From: What used to be Berkshire | Registered: Sep 2008
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Hedgehog
Ship's Shortstop
# 14125
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Posted
Exodus 26:1-6
Before Moses could sneak away with his reams of notes, IAIVTWY continued:
"Now for the Piece of Resistance! The Tabernacle! I want ten pieces of nicely twisted linen. Make it blue and purple and scarlet. Sort of a tied-dyed effect. It'll be pretty. And I want depictions of cherubim on them. Now, don't give me some crappy looking cherubim. Get a good artist to do them. (Not you. I've seen some of your drawings.) I'm rather partial to the Pre-Raphaelite style.
"Each curtain should be 28 cubits by four cubits. Yes, each and every one of them. Equal sizes. Do I need to repeat myself? Now sew five of them together to make a single set, and do the same thing with the other set."
["So," Moses mused, "that would be two sets, each 140 cubits long and 4 cubits wide---no, no, that's impractical. I'd better sew them together along the long edges."]
"Your mind is wandering. I can tell. Really. Anyway, then I want you to make loops of some nice blue material (blue serge loops!) and add them to the edge at the end of one set of curtains. Then do the same with the other set. 50 loops each should do the trick. Set them up so that the loops on each set are opposite each other. Then make 50 clasps. Make them out of--oh, what is the substance called again?"
"Gold?" asked Moses wearily.
"Yes, that's it. Gold! Then use the clasps to joint the curtains together to make a single linen unit. Well, a single linen-with-blue-serge-loops-and-gold-clasps unit. It will be beautiful!"
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"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'
Posts: 2740 | From: Delaware, USA | Registered: Sep 2008
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
Exodus 26:7-14
And while you're at it, I want some curtains. Make htem of something aesthetically pleasing...hmmm...how about goat's hair? Yes! I want 11 curtains made of 100% pure hair of the goat! These will be for a tent over the tabernacle. Each curtain shall be 30x4 cubits, and in case this isn't already clear, I want them all to be the same size.
These curtains will be joined. Five shall be joined to one side, and six to the other, with the sixth curtain forming a flap for the front of the tent! There shall also be 50 loops on the edge of the curtains that are outermost in each set.
"Why the loops?" Moses asked, fidgeting.
Here's why. I want you to make 50 clasps of...
"Gold?" asked Moses.
No, not gold this time! You shall make 50 clasps of Bronze and put these clasps in the aforementioned loops. These shall join the tent together and make it a whole tent (as opposed to a shambling pile of goathair).
Any excess fabric in the tent shall hang over the back of the Tabernacle™, and the rest shall hang over the sides, so it's all nice, covered and tent-like. I don't want to see my holy chair exposed to the elements!
Once this work is done, you shall make another covering to go over the curtains out of tanned rams' skins, and then another cover over that with fine leather.
Now onto the frame...
Moses shuddered, and continued taking notes furiously.
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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg
Posts: 7522 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006
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Nigel M
Shipmate
# 11256
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Posted
Exodus 26:15-30
“Aaron” called Moses from inside his tent. “Has the order gone off for the acacia wood yet?”
“The freewill offering is in progress, brother; Joshua is in charge of the collection and has met no resistance. At least, none that have gone past an initial yelp. He's very zealous, that apprentice of yours. I thought we were going to come unstuck with the skins of the takhash because no one knew what that was; Eleazar thought it might be something called a badger.
“A what?”
“Badger, apparently.”
“Never heard of a Badga. Can you eat it?”
“No idea. I hope not, though, given what Eleazar is calling the acacia wood. Anyway, point is young Joshua came up with the goods. Useful guy to have around on a pillage. But you were asking about the acacia order?”
“Yes – Hold it for a mo – we've got more. Acacia supports for that massively heavy curtain: 48 frames @ 10 x 1.5 cubits, with 15 cross-bars. Better cover them in gold, too, just in case. And make a couple of silver stands for each support. We've got to get God's tent just right according to the mountain plan.
“Righty Ho. Just one thing – I never really got the hang of this cubit thing. How long is it again?”
“O that's easy.” said Moses, drawing on his Egyptian experience of laying out Egyptians, “Calculate the width of two fingers, see? Now, cube it.”
Aaron withdrew his head from the tent and passed on the instructions to Joshua.
“Listen up, everyone” bellowed Joshua, “Grab your axes and cut down all those acacia trees around our camp. Wilderness, People; I want to see Wilderness.”
Posts: 2826 | From: London, UK | Registered: Apr 2006
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Hedgehog
Ship's Shortstop
# 14125
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Posted
Exodus 26:31-37
While they were busy doing that, the Lord, the God of Interior Design, went on:
"Moses, it's curtains for you! Ha! I'm just joking with ya. I mean that I want another curtain. More of a veil, really. A special one of linen with that nice blue, purple and scarlet threadwork and another depiction of a High Art Cherubim. Hang this on some gold hooks (you probably have some left over from earlier) on four posts of that acacia wood, covered in gold and set in bases made of silver."
Moses awoke with a start. "What was that?"
"Bases. Silver."
"Really? Silver? No joke?"
"Yes. Pure gold is too soft a metal. It would just bend and break under the weight of the posts."
"But what about all that other gold stuff? Won't it bend, dent and break, too?"
"Did I ever mention the part about not questioning the Lord, your God?"
"Ah, yes. Sorry. Please go on."
"Hang the veil from the hooks inside the tent. Then take the Ark of My Sayings (you know, my I-Box) and put it behind the veil. That's what makes this veil so special. It separates the Holy of Holies from the merely Holy. Once the I-Box is in place, put the Mercy Seat on top of it. On the other side of the veil, set up the Table of Tables on the north end and that lampstand on the south end. It's good feng shui."
Moses made a mental note to get himself a compass. But then he decided he didn't need one. I mean, it's not like he was going to go wandering around lost in the desert or anything.
The Lord continued: "Now the tent itself should also have a hanging to close it off from stray dusts storms. Let's keep that nifty blue-purple-scarlet theme with the linen. I really like that. Now, trust me, it's gonna need five of those golden posts and hooks to match. For the bases of these, use bronze. They will age nicely."
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"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'
Posts: 2740 | From: Delaware, USA | Registered: Sep 2008
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
Exodus 27:1-8
How's that Tabernacle coming?
It's...coming, stammered Light-bringer and Drawn-out, staring at their shoes.
Great! Now for the courtyard! I want to see an altar, of acacia wood, five cubits by five cubits. In other words, it's to be five cubits square. Now, to give it some character (so it's more than a glorified chopping block), I'd like four horns, one on each corner, to be of one piece with it; and make sure you overlay the whole thing with copper. Also, I want all of the necessary implements-the pails for removing ashes, the scrapers, basins, flesh hooks, and fire pans-make all of these out of copper. Also of...
Copper? interjected Drawn-out.
Yes, of copper I would like to see a mesh below, under the ledge of the altar extending to its center.
And just like the Ark, you're going to have to make some rings and pole fixtures to carry the thing, as well as strong menfolk to carry it. The poles are to be of, yes, acacia wood and overlaid with, you got it, copper. In case it's not already obvious, insert the poles through the rings on two sides for comparatively easy relocation. Make it hollow, of boards. As you were shown on the mountain, so will it be.
[ 08. January 2009, 00:10: Message edited by: Bullfrog. ]
Posts: 7522 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006
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Nigel M
Shipmate
# 11256
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Posted
Exodus 27:9-19
“Shown on the Mountain?” Worried Moses to himself, “I don't remember being told about the altar up on the mountain... Wait a bit... Oh.” He had been up on the mountain for some time and it dawned on him that he must have nodded off at some point.
“Now Moses,” continued I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU. “You are to make a courtyard.”
“Courtyard....courtyard...” muttered Moses as he delved frantically through his [i]Words of I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU Spoken on a Mountain[i] tome in several slates. “Dear God” he muttered as he realised he must have been suffering oxygen deprivation through that one, too.
“Yes?” responded I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU.
“I don't suppose you could, possibly, if you don't mind, just run that courtyard plan past me again, could you? Hmmm? Possibly?”
“There always has to be a Second Law with you, doesn't there? Very well. Listen carefully, I shall say this just the once more. Courtyard, 100 x 50 cubits. Curtains for the delimitation thereof, finely twisted linen. Posts and bases, bronze, 5 cubits high, with silver hooks and bands. An entrance will be left on the east side, with a blue, purple and scarlet curtain 20 cubits long to cover it. Get and expert to do that one. Don't forget that each and every of the articles for use in My Tent are to be made of bronze.”
Posts: 2826 | From: London, UK | Registered: Apr 2006
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Hedgehog
Ship's Shortstop
# 14125
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Posted
Exodus 27:20-21
I-AM-WITH-YOU-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES went on (and on and on):
"Now in the tent in the area outside the pretty curtain that hides my I-Box, Aaron and his lads need to set up the lamps to keep the area well-lit from evening to dawn. For that, have the Israelites bring them olive oil to put in the lamps. Virgin olive oil. Extra virgin olive oil. Cold-pressed extra virgin olive oil. Yummy! That will make a nice constant flame."
Moses wondered how anything could be "extra virgin" but decided that it was probably not the right time to ask.
"And this will be a lasting ordinance among the Israelites for generations to come."
And, for the first time in a long time, Moses brightened as he detected a way to dump this whole mess onto the next administration.
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"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'
Posts: 2740 | From: Delaware, USA | Registered: Sep 2008
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Nigel M
Shipmate
# 11256
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Posted
Exodus 28:1-5
I want you to appoint your brother Aaron and his four sons, Nadab, Abihu, Eleazar and Ithamar, to be my Rite-Performers for The People. Before you appoint them, however, check the wording of the oath. You will also need to make Aaron some Rite-Clothes so that he does not look a Rite-Charlie. Commission Bezalel ben-Uri and Sons, tailors to the gentry, for this job. I have given them the requisite skills to do the Rite job for Aaron and his sons' haute couture so that they stand out. They are to use the now familiar gold, blue, purple and scarlet. The linen is to be of best quality.
These are the glad rags that need to be made: -
1] A Decision Pocket;
2] A Decision Girdle;
3] A Cape;
4] A Chequered Shirt;
5] A Turban; and
6] A Sash.
Posts: 2826 | From: London, UK | Registered: Apr 2006
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
Exodus 28:6-12
The Ephod...
Moses cocked his head to the side. "What's an ephod?" he asked.
It's like a breastplate. It's a decorative square of gold with the usual blue/purple/crimson wool/linen blend embroidered into fancy designs. The priests shall wear it on their chests, so you're going to need some shoulder straps to hold it on, attached at either end. There shall also be a decorative band, of the same kind of material.
When you've got that done, take two lazuli stones, and engrave them with the names of the sons of Israel...
Moses whispered to Aaron, "We're going to need a lot of gems and quick. Send out the guys!"
...Six of their names shall go on one stone.....
And get some gemcutters while you're at it!
...and the names of the remaining six on the other stone, in order of their birth. On the two stones you shall make seal engravings - the work of a lapidary...
"Wazzat?" asked Moses.
A lapidary! You know, a guy who carves stuff into stones.
Moses looked ever-so-slightly relieved. "Oh. Thanks." He turned to Aaron. You know where we can find one of those? Aaron shrugged.
...anyway, the lapidary shall seal the stones with the names of the sons of Israel. Having bordered them with frames of...
Moses jumped in. "Gold?"
Yes, Moses, of gold you shall frame these stones, and having done that, attach them to the shoulder-pieces of the ephod...the breastplate-thingie...as stones of remembrance for the Israelites, whose names Aaron shall carry upon his shoulder-pieces for remembrance before the Lord.
Moses yet again turned to Aaron. Does that mean He'll forget our names if we don't wear the breastplate-thingie? Aaron replied, "I hope not."
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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg
Posts: 7522 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006
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Nigel M
Shipmate
# 11256
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Posted
Exodus 28:13-30
“Did you catch those last two verses while you were talking to each other?” Asked I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU.
“Erm...Stones?” Hazarded Moses.
“The bit about making settings out of gold and attaching two braided chains of gold to the settings.”
“Oh, yes,” said Moses, “We got that......now.” As he scribbled it down.
“Moving on then to the Decision Pocket, and best workmanship for this, remember.” Said I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU. Aaron brightened up, now that the subject had moved on from Girdles.
“Make it like the Girdle. “ Aaron's face fell.
“Gold, blue, purple, scarlet, finely-twisted linen; nine inches square when folded over. Next fix four rows of gems, set in gold: first row of ruby, topaz and beryl; second row of turquoise, sapphire, and emerald; third row of jacinth, agate, and amethyst; and fourth row of chrysolite, onyx, and jasper. These twelve gems stand for the twelve sons of Israel, so engrave one name in each of the gems.
“Now, then; make gold chains, like a rope. Fasten one end of these to two corners, through two gold rings. Fasten the other ends to the shoulder pieces of the Girdle at the front. Attach two more gold rings to the bottom corners of the Decision Pocket, then another two rings for the bottom of the Girdle. Tie them together with blue cord, connected to the waistband, so that the Decision Pocket does not swing out from the Girdle.
“Once these are made, you will see that whenever Aaron enters the Most-Pure-But-One part of the Tabernacle, he will be carrying the names of the Israelites close to his heart on that Decision Pocket, so that he won't forget them when he comes before me. Put the Urs and the Tums in the Decision Pocket, too, so that Aaron will always be able to make his mind up on behalf of the Israelites.”
“Oh, I get it,” said Moses to Aaron, “The stones are so you won't forget our names, not that he won't.”
Posts: 2826 | From: London, UK | Registered: Apr 2006
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Hedgehog
Ship's Shortstop
# 14125
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Posted
Exodus 28:31-35
"You will also make a robe for the ephod. The robe shall be completely blue, with a hole in the top center. To keep it from tearing, sew an edge around it rather like the opening of a collar because, well, it is going to be a collar. Aaron has to stick his head through it when he wears the robe. Around the hem, there should be some fine needlework of blue, purple and scarlet..."
Moses coughed apologetically: "I thought you said you wanted the robe COMPLETELY blue. It can't very well be completely blue if it has scarlet needlework."
"Completely blue cloth. The decoration is separate. But it is comforting to know that you were paying attention this time. Anyway, the needlework should be in the form of pomegranates. And I want gold bells between them."
"Got it," said Moses. "Needlework bells and poms."
"No, no," thundered I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU. "Only the poms are needlework. The bells are for real. The pattern will be bell-pom-bell-pom-bell and so on, all around the hem. Be sure not to skip a bell, or else Aaron will be wearing a pom-pom, and that would be beneath his dignity."
"Got that right," grumbled Aaron.
"Aaron is to wear the robe as he ministers and the bells will sound both as he enters the Holy Spot before IAIVTWY and as he leaves, so that he will not die."
"So," said Moses chuckling, "Aaron will have a robe that jingle-jangle-jingles? That is just too..."
"Hang on a bit," said Aaron. "What was that crack about dying?"
"I will hear the bells and know it is you, so I will not kill you for entering my Holy Spot."
"Are you seriously telling me that the only way you will know who I am is by what I am wearing???? Won't your reputation for being All-Knowing take rather a hit if this becomes public knowledge?"
"Has it occurred to you that I may just be making the requirement to see how well you can follow orders? Think of it as a final exam. Of course, with death as the option, it will be a VERY final exam."
Aaron sat back down with a heavy sigh.
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"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'
Posts: 2740 | From: Delaware, USA | Registered: Sep 2008
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
Exodus 28:36-43
You shall make a blossom of gold to be worn on Aaron's forehead, and engrave and seal it "Holy to the Lord." SO it doesn't fall off, suspend it from a blue cord, so that it stays on the headdress.
Aaron must wear this flower on his forehead at all times...
Aaron suddenly visualized himself in such fruity garb, and shuddered inwardly.
...so that he will be able himself to take away any sins arising from the holy things Israel consecrates, or from any of their sacred offerings. This flower shall win acceptance for all of them before Me.
Aaron turned to Moses: Does this mean I have to be the scapegoat? What happens to the sins when they hit that flower thing? Moses shushed him.
And while you're at that, be sure to make the checkered tunic and the headdress of fine linen, and make the sash of embroidered work. And you shall make a matching set of these for Aaron's sons. Once you have them properly attired, I want you to anoint them and press them into My service as priests.
Aaron's heart leaped for joy. The word The Lord has spoken is good, for it means job security is assured for my sons. He had another thought, and whispered to Moses.
Moses listened, nodded, and cleared his throat. Ummm...Lord?
Yes?
Will these priests be, erm, covered? Like...will they have any, you know underwear?
I would hope so!
Moses continued. Well, being as these people are, you know, special, do you have any particular patterns, any designs for these special garments?
Hmmm...now that you mention it, I guess I should give you some sort of guideline. OK. You shall make for Aaron and his sons linen breeches to cover their "nakedness." These breeches shall extend from the hips to the thighs. Aaron and his sons shall wear these special breeches when they enter the Tent of Meeting or when they approach the altar to offer sacrifices in the sanctuary. And they must wear these at all times, lest they incur punishment and die.
Aaron shuddered again, this time outwardly.
And this shall be a law for all time for him and his children!
"Got it," Aaron mumbled.
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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg
Posts: 7522 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006
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Hedgehog
Ship's Shortstop
# 14125
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Posted
Exodus 29:1-9
I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU continued:
"Now, Moses, here's the thing: Aaron and his lads need to be consecrated as my priests."
"Consecrated," thought Aaron. "I wonder if that is the same thing as hazing."
"Take a young bull and two picture-perfect rams. Also, make some bread, and some perforated cakes mixed with oil, and some wafers with oil spread on them. These should all be made out of fine wheat flour and, this is very important, NO YEAST! When I want something raised, I'll do it myself."
For years afterward, Moses swore that IAIVTWY chuckled after he said that, but Moses could never figure out why.
"Put the bakery items in a basket and bring the basket along with the livestock. Have Aaron and his lads gather at the entrance of the meeting tent. Wash them--by which I mean Aaron and the boys, not the livestock. Scrub them down from head to foot!"
"Hey," objected Aaron indignantly, "I'll have you know that I take a bath every Tuesday night, whether I need it or not!" IAIVTWY ignored him and went on.
"Then clothe Aaron in the natty atire that I just described: the tunic, the robe, the ephod, the breastplate, the headdress with the little inscribed flower."
Moses had a mental image of Aaron clothed like this and it was his turn to chuckle. "I knew it," muttered Aaron. "It IS a hazing ritual."
"Take annointing oil and pour it on Aaron's head."
"What?" asked Moses. "While he is wearing the turban? It will ruin it!"
"What?" asked Aaron. "After going through all the trouble of taking a bath you are going to dump oil on me?"
IAIVTWY hears everything, but sometimes chooses not to listen. This was one of those times.
"Aaron's boys should also be wearing tunics and the whole lot of them should have priestly sashes around them. And headbands, too! That should do it. They shall be priests forever in the order of Melchi--umm, ahem, well, for the time being, let's call it the order of Aaron."
"So," asked Moses, "What was the point of the bull, rams and breadstuff?"
"I'm coming to that!" thundered IAIVTWY.
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"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'
Posts: 2740 | From: Delaware, USA | Registered: Sep 2008
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
quote:
When I want something raised, I'll do it myself.
quote:
For years afterward, Moses swore that IAIVTWY chuckled after he said that, but Moses could never figure out why.
![[Overused]](graemlins/notworthy.gif)
[ 19. February 2009, 02:39: Message edited by: Lyda*Rose ]
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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Nigel M
Shipmate
# 11256
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Posted
Exodus 29:9c-26
“Now I'm going to tell you the process to follow for installing Aaron and his sons. There are three parts to this process. First up, the Offering to Offset Rebellion.
“Take that Bull I told you about to the front of the Meeting Tent. Aaron and his sons are to place their hands on its head there. Slaughter it there – remember that I will be watching all this. Dip your finger in the blood and wipe it on the four altar horns. Was that a grunt you gave then, Moses? Pour the rest of the blood out around the base of the altar. Then dismember it ... What's the matter Moses? You're looking very grey.
“Take all of the fat on the innards, together with the kidneys, and burn them on the altar. The rest has to be taken right outside of the camp and burnt there.
“Now for stage two. Moses?”
“He fainted, Lord” Said Aaron. “Don't worry, I'll take the notes.”
“All right. Stage two: The Offering of Purifying Fire. Take one of the rams; Aaron and his sons are to put their hands on its head.”
“Got it, Lord; we can handle that part. No problem.”
“Kill it, and then...”
“I think I got the next part, Lord,” Said Aaron, as he finished a swift scribble “Ahem: After slaughtering it, Moses is to grab the ram by the neck, and slit its throat from ear to ear, then slice it open from thorax to the abdomen, pulling out the entrails with his hands...”
“Really? I was going to go with a simple burn on the altar job for this one. Still, you may be on to something here. If you think it necessary, then of course, cut the ram up, give it a cleansing, and then burn the lot of it on the altar. It's only the burn I think is required, though; that's all that was going to please me.
“Now for the other ram and stage three. We've dealt with rebellion, we've made the altar ready for this stage, and now we come to you, Aaron.”
“ME? Err...I'm really not that good with the disembowelling thing, Lord. Couldn't we go with something a bit more symbolic? Or perhaps Moses could do something with the second ram – look, he's coming round. Moses! Help me out here brother.”
“Yuuuurrghhh.”
“Here, take the slate and chisel – just write what God says. Go ahead, Lord”
“Why thank you. Take the second ram. Aaron and his sons are to are to put their hands on its head. Kill it. Stay with me, Moses. Take some of the blood and put it on the lobe of the right ears of Aaron and his sons. What was that clunk?
“It's Aaron, Lord,” Said Moses, “He fainted.”
“Oh. Well, in for a penny, in for a pound. Put some more of the blood on the thumbs of the right hands of Aaron and his sons and also on the their big toes. It's symbolic – something Aaron wanted – of his whole body. Ah, I see Aaron has rejoined us. Actually, I think we had better play safe. Do a sprinkle job with the blood on the altar and then mix the blood with some of that anointing oil and give Aaron and his sons a good shower. Clothes and all. That should ensure a proper installation.”
Clunk.
“That installation ram; take the fat from it, the kidneys and right thigh. Use the un-yeasted bread to make some cakes and pass the lot over to Aaron and his sons, who will present them to me. Then you will take them back and burn them on the altar as a presentation to me. The breast of the ram, however, will be yours after you present it to me.
“Oooooh! Lovely!” Said Moses, “I'm partial to a bit of breast.”
“It's for Aaron, not you.”
“If he faints, though, could I...?”
“No.”
Posts: 2826 | From: London, UK | Registered: Apr 2006
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
Exodus 29:26-34
Now, Aaron, are you awake?
Groan.
Good. Now, moving along...
Moses, you shall take the breast of this ram of Aaron's ordination, and elevate it as an elevation offering before me; this will be your portion...
Moses stammered, But I thought you said...
Just this one, Moses. After this one Aaron gets the good bits.
Moses salivated.
...You shall set it aside, along with the thigh...
Moses' stomach growled, as he and Aaron had been standing (when not passed out) at attention for some time.
...that was offered as a gift from the ram of ordination, from the ram that belongs to Aaron and his sons, and those parts from now on shall be due from Israel to Aaron and his descendants.
Aaron, looked up. "For me? You shouldn't..."
For these shall be a gift from the Israelites to the LORD out of their sacrifices of well-being!
"Well, at least we get to eat part of it," Aaron grumbled.
Now, those vestments that I hope your people are working on making...these shall belong to Aaron and shall be passed on to his sons after him. They can wear them upon their anointing and ordination. Whoever among his sons becomes the priest in his stead...
"You mean the one who walks into the Tent of Meeting to officiate within the sanctuary?" asked Aaron.
Yes, that one shall wear these garments for seven days!
Now, getting back to the ram of ordination, I want you to boil its flesh in some previously-consecrated area...
"Wait a minute. You want to boil the ram? Couldn't you make a nice roast out of it or something, with some proper herbs and spices?" pleaded Aaron.
Why would I do such a thing? This is a religious ceremony. It isn't required that the meat actually taste good, just that it be prepared according to My specifications. Besides, if it was cooked well, people might become envious of your position. You wouldn't want to inspire envy, hmm?
Aaron sighed mightily, knowing how future generations of priests would be forced to dine on boiled meat. Moses lightened up, realizing that he wasn't missing out on as much as he thought.
Anyway, Aaron and his sons shall eat this boiled ram's flesh, as well as the bread in the basket, at the entrance of the Tent that hides My Holy I-Box™. They shall be eaten only by those who are ordained and consecrated. They are NOT to be eaten by anyone else! You know what happens when holiness meets less-than-holiness, don't you? People could get crucified over that sort of thing!
On that note, please incinerate any leftovers from the meal. I don't care how hungry the people are, they shall not have any. It just wouldn't be appropriate.
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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg
Posts: 7522 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006
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Hedgehog
Ship's Shortstop
# 14125
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Posted
Exodus 29:35-37
IAIVTWY went still further on (which makes sense, when you think about it, because He never has to pause for breath):
"Do everything as I have directed. Consecrate Aaron and the lads for seven days. Each and every day prepare a bull as a sin offering to purify the altar."
"Every day?" asked Moses. "That's a lot of bull."
"I was really hoping that you'd avoid the temptation to say that. But, then, experience with you humans has shown Me that avoiding temptation isn't really something you guys do well. 'Don't eat the apples' I say, and I provide all the blueberries, strawberries, pears, peaches, and whatever else anybody could want and what happens?
"But I digress...
"Use the bull offering to purge the altar of any sin contamination. Annoint the altar and set it apart as holy. Really, really holy. Wholly Holy. Anything that touches the altar becomes holy and should not thereafter leave the sanctuary."
"Wow," murmured Moses. "Remind me to steer clear of that thing, then."
"Steer?" asked Aaron out of the side of his mouth. "Are you trying to make another bull joke?"
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"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'
Posts: 2740 | From: Delaware, USA | Registered: Sep 2008
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Nigel M
Shipmate
# 11256
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Posted
Exodus 29:38-46
“Now then, remember I told you to make a bronze-copper altar? Yes I did – it was about a third of the way down this page. Got it? Good. Here's what you are to do with it. Every day, twice a day, The People are to prepare a lamb for that altar: one in the morning and another in the evening. With the morning lamb offer two litres of...Yes, what is it?”
“What's a leetus?” Asked Moses.
“One tenth of an ephah.”
“Oh. One of those.”
“Two litres of fine flour mixed with a quart of...a fourth of a hin...of pressed olive oil and a another fourth hin of wine for a drink offering. Do the same in the evening – it is a smooth taste by fire for IAIVTWY. “This is to be a regular burnt offering at the entrance of the Tent, where IAIVTWY will meet and speak with you. I'll also meet with The People and the whole place will be set apart by my glory.
“So then; all of this is how I am going to ensure the Meeting Tent, altar, and Aaron and his sons as priests are going to be set apart for me. It's a lot, but trust me, you need it. Then I will live with the The People and be the God they need. They will understand that I am I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU, their God, who took them out from the most powerful nation in the world just so I could live with them. Make a note of this because I anticipate they will be liable to forget it: I am I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU, their God.
Posts: 2826 | From: London, UK | Registered: Apr 2006
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
Exodus 30:1-10
Oh, and you know what else would make this place pleasing to Myself? How about some incense!
Moses and Aaron looked at each other, and wondered if the Almighty had suddenly sprouted dreadlocks.
Yes, incense! You guys can make another altar, right? This one of acacia wood. It should be one cubit long and one cubit wide - You know, like a square! - and two cubits high, with horns that are of one piece with it...
"Gold?" inquired Moses wearily.
Yes, you're catching on! Overlay the whole thing with pure gold, sides and horns included, and make a gold molding for it round about.
Also, be sure to include a gold-ring-and-acacia-pole carrying assembly, as with the previous IThings.
Aaron looked up. "Where do you want us to put this thing?"
The Almighty responded, Hmm...how about in front of the curtain that is over the IBox? Yeah, that'll work, in front of the cover, where I shall meet you. Aaron shall burn aromatic incense (I'm partial to sandalwood). He'll burn it every morning when he tends the lamps, and he shall burn it in the evening when he lights the lamps - A regular incense offering before I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU for all time!
And be sure only to offer domestic incense, none of that wacky alien stuff, you hear? And I don't want to see any food or drink offerings on it either!
Once every year Light-Bringer shall perform a purification ritual upon the horns with blood of the sin offering of purification; this shall be done once a year throughout the ages (just to make sure it doesn't get clogged or something); it is most Holy to IAIVTWY.
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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg
Posts: 7522 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006
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Nigel M
Shipmate
# 11256
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Posted
Exodus 30:11-16
“Woho fish fish fish fish” yodelled Aaron in a mellow baritone from outside their tent.
“O Lord,” piped up Moses, “I've been doing a few calculations and I reckon we are going to be down by a toxic credit crunch or two when we've done assembling your residence and its furnishings.”
“Varoooooooooom kerchup.” Aaron, voice off.
“Fear not.” Said IAIVTWY. “There is a plan. The People are going to face some opposition down the line and there will be a spat or two. You will need to have The People counted, so you will know who is fit for battle.”
“Shoot Me.” Aaron, blundering into the tent, “You know brother...” Attempt to focus his cross-eyes onto the space where his brain thought his brother should be, “You know - - - O Adam. Fish fish fish fish fish fish...”
“What in the name of Me is up with Aaron?” Asked IAIVTWY.
“He's been at the incense, trying out various varieties to see which one would do for the twice daily offering.” Answered Moses. “I think this is the one made from some mushrooms he picked this morning.”
“Purple.” Said Aaron; and gave up the ghost, sliding gracefully down the tent's central pole as his legs voted for the horizontal.
“I see.” IAIVTWY pursed his anthropomorphic lips. “I see I'll have to spell out the ingredients for the incense when Aaron comes round. Somewhere near the end of this chapter, I think would be about right. But back to the issue at hand. Each person counted as being of warrior age is to pay a tax – half a shekel is about right - it will be a ransom to redeem his life, so that he will be safe. The sum is to be fixed to the gold standard and is to be the same for all. Deposit the money with the Meeting Tent so that everything is covered.”
“Fantastic!” Said Moses as he zipped off a few calculations on his abacus, “We'll do a count twice a day and I'll call it the Atonement Tax.”
“Steady on,” said IAIVTWY, “It's only needed once in a while when a fight looks likely.”
“Just had a worrying thought, though.” Thought Moses, out loud, “If a warrior dies in battle, is he entitled to an Atonement Rebate?”
“We'll bridge that cross when we get to it, shall we?”
Posts: 2826 | From: London, UK | Registered: Apr 2006
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
[Hosting]
![[Killing me]](graemlins/killingme.gif)
[/Hosting]
--------------------
I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Hedgehog
Ship's Shortstop
# 14125
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Posted
Exodus 30:17-21
As the Lord, the One of Many Tenses, glanced at Aaron's horizontal legs, He spoke:
"That reminds me. I want a wash basin installed in here, too, so that Aaron and the lads can wash their hands and feet. Place it between the Meeting Tent and the Altar. Make it of..."
"Gold?" suggested Moses.
"That would be silly. It is just a wash basin, after all. Make it of bronze, with a bronze stand. And put water in it, obviously. Tell Aaron and the boys that whenever they enter the Meeting Tent they have to wash their hands and feet, and whenever they approach the altar to minister with the burning incense, they again have to wash their hands and feet. They must do this so that they do not die--and this rule applies in perpetuity. It is not a one-time thing."
"Ummmm, okay," said Moses hesitantly. "But, You know, You also said You would kill them for wearing the wrong clothes, and now You are going to kill them if they don't remember to wash their hands and feet..."
"Yes?"
"Well, I am just wondering if that might make people somewhat reluctant to, You know, take up the ministry as a vocation."
"Why don't you let Me worry about that. You have enough to do, including writing down My perfumed oil and incense recipes."
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"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'
Posts: 2740 | From: Delaware, USA | Registered: Sep 2008
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
Yes, let's see...
- five hundred weight of congealed myrrh
- Half of 500...that'll be 250 weight of fragrant cinnamon (none of that cheap stuff!)
- five hundred-by the sanctuary weight-of cassia
Moses turned to Aaron. "What's a hin?" "I guess we'll have to find out for ourselves," Aaron replied.
Now, I want you to take all of this and blend it, most expertly, into Oil of Anointing Holy Stuff™...
"We're gonna need a freakin' huge mixer," Aaron muttered.
...and I want you to smear, erm, anoint the Tent of the Assembly, the I-Box, the the table an all its utensils, the lampstand and all its accouterments...
Aaron turned to Moses. "What's an accoutrement?" Moses turned to Aaron. "I think it means the stuff that goes with the thingie."
...the altar of the burnt offering and all its utensils, and the washbasin and its stand.
Oh, and while you're at it, smear some on Aaron and his sons as well...
Aaron muttered, "but that means I'll smell like a girl!" Moses smirked.
...and they shall serve me as Priests™!
And while you're at it, prepare a memo for The People™. It shall be as follows:
HEAR YE! HEAR YE!
The Oil of Anointing Holy Stuff™ belongs to Me, who is in various tenses with you. This super secret compound shall not be smeared upon anyone, regardless of circumstance, at any time, EVER! Similarly, you are not to make anything that is sufficiently like The Oil of Anointing Holy Stuff™ so as to be considered an imitation. No knock offs! It shall be held sacred by you. If anyone dares make cheap knock off Oil of Anointing Holy Stuff™ or smears it on anyone who isn't a designated Priest™ shall be disinherited, exiled, utterly cut off from My People™!
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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg
Posts: 7522 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
[tangent] If this is most certainly true, it puts a whole new spin on inerrancy, don't it? [/tangent] ![[Snigger]](graemlins/snigger.gif)
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
This is most certainly true!
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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg
Posts: 7522 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006
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Nigel M
Shipmate
# 11256
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Bullfrog.:
This is most certainly true!
Well, at least it most certainly was yesterday.
Exodus 31:1-11
Moses surveyed the mass of chiselled stone tablets before him. He had chiselled down his last chisel (presented to him by the Egyptian Tut-Tut-My-Man, pyramid builder to the gentry, upon the occasion of Moses' exodus) to a blunt nose and he hadn't even begun the actual building of all this cultic apparatus.
I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU had a plan. “Look, Moses,” He said, “You don't have to do the actual building. Leave that to the professionals. I have already chosen God-Shadow, son of Yuri Ben-Hur, in the Praised-Be-Me! tribe, and have overloaded him with my power. He has the nous to do all the chiselly stuff. I've also given royal appointment to his assistant, My-Dad's-A-Tent, son of My-Bro's-A-Supporter, in the Judge tribe. You needn't worry; all the craftsmen will be skilled enough for the job. All they need from you is the instructions I gave you. Don't forget the list: the Meeting Tent, the I-Box with its Mercy Seat, etc. etc. etc., the Table and all of its etcs. etcs. etcs., the natty little numbers that Aaron and the boys will be wearing, and the pouring and smearing smelly stuff.”
“Thanks goodness for that.” Thought Moses and he beamed happily upon the boxes of tablets, now earmarked for someone else. “I think I could do with a rest now.”
Posts: 2826 | From: London, UK | Registered: Apr 2006
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
Exodus 31:12-18
I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU then went on. Moses face fell- no more chisel. Oh, boy, I'm in trouble now.
"Do you remember the Sabbath day? Do you keep it holy? Keep it holy: forever. This is an important part of the Deal -you know, your Covenant with me. No work on the Sabbath, zip, nada. I didn't work on the Seventh Day. Even I, I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU, know how to take a break. You don't work on the Seventh Day. Unless you want to rest permanently, six feet under. You are going to be rested and refreshed every week, dammit. I see a lick of work, heads are going to roll! All your descendants are going to rest on the Sabbath, every Sabbath, otherwise they will be cut off from my good graces. And we wouldn't want that, would we?"
Then I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU pulled out two beautifully graven stones, with the most tiny, the most elegant cuneiform Moses had ever seen and handed them to Moses. Moses looked at the two tablets. Then he looked at I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU. Then he looked at his mighty pile of rocks and his sad, dull chisel, and began to cry. How'd I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU done that?
I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU considered his own finger and smirked.
[ 11. May 2009, 19:09: Message edited by: Lyda*Rose ]
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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Nigel M
Shipmate
# 11256
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Posted
Exodus 32:1-6
Time had passed since Moses and his entourage had pitched tent up the mountain. It felt that a full 40 days had passed. The dinner was in the dog as far as The People were concerned and they had developed an advanced case of fidgetiteness. Small wonder, then, that when Aaron came down early from the mountain to get some recuperation post-incense, his head had barely touched his pillow when...
“Get up!” called the solemn representatives of the The People who had assembled to present the fidget case. “We have a petition: we've had enough of this mountain wait; we cannot afford to be leaderless like this. If we don't have some direction this whole People will disperse. So, make a god that we can see right here and that will go in front of us. We've no idea what happened to that fellow Moses – as far as we remember that was the name of the chap who led us out of the most powerful nation on earth.”
“Uh oh,” thought Aaron, “I think they want a decision. But I'm a priest in training now, I don't do decisions. Oh Dear. I wonder what Moses would have done? Think, think, think.”
Then a brainwave came to Aaron. Moses was going to need an abundance of gold for God's tent. How about if he...
“OK, People.” Said Aaron. “Here's what you need to do. “Collect all of those fancy gold baubles and bling that your families have been wearing on their ears and bring it all to me.”
Without delay, The People coughed up their gold trinkets. Aaron was frankly astonished, as he had heard that it was the devil's own job getting a congregation to give money to priests. However, having got this far, he couldn't very well back out now. But just what was he going to do with the gold now that he had got it? He hadn't been concentrating fully on all that God had ordered up the mountain, but he was pretty sure there had not been a plan to build an image of God. Just what, exactly, did I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU look like? There had been a cloud on top of the mountain, but he wasn't sure how to make gold look like a cloud. Still, he felt that he had no choice but to try. So he made an engraving tool and modelled the gold into what he hoped was a suitable shape for The People.
“A Young Bull!” Acclaimed The People.
“A Young What??? It's a cloud – although from a certain angle – yes, I can sort of see the shape you mean...”
Aaron meandered around the shape to see what the cloud looked like from other angles. Duck. Fluffy Bunny. Ice-cream cone.
Yes, on balance, Aaron thought, a bull was probably the best option to go for and the one least likely to attract derision from neighbouring nations. Before anyone changed their mind, he knocked up an altar in front of the golden shape and said that the next day would be a dedicated road party for I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU. People being People, though, the next day they got up early to do the religious bit and then got down to some serious binging, after which they moved to the next item on the agenda: serious cringing under the influence. They were beginning to take the Mickey out of the whole process.
Posts: 2826 | From: London, UK | Registered: Apr 2006
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Hedgehog
Ship's Shortstop
# 14125
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Posted
Exodus 32:7-14
Meanwhile, the One-in-Many-Tenses sighed with exasperation.
"Oh, for My sake! Moses, get right down this mountain fast! Your people whom you brought out of Egypt are being idiots. Already they are breaking the rules and, really, I just gave them to them! If I had used ink, the ink wouldn't even be dry yet! They have made a golden young bull (or ducky or fluffy bunny or, possibly, ice cream cone) and are saying: 'These golden bull, duck, bunny and cone are your gods, O Israel, which brought you out of Egypt.'
"I tell you, I have had enough of these jerks. They just don't listen. Stand aside, Moses, and let me burn them all to cinders and start again."
Moses replied: "My people??!?! Since when are they my people??? They are YOUR people. You brought them out of Egypt. I just went along for the ride! You did everything.
"And as for killing them, the Egyptians will laugh themselves silly! They'll say: 'Oh, their big bad god went through all that trouble to take them away from us just to kill them all in the desert. Why, if he had just waited, we would have been happy to kill them without his having to lift a finger.' I tell You, You are gonna look horribly inefficient.
"And pardon me for noticing the fine print, but didn't You already promise Abe, Isaac and Israel that you would multiply their descendants? Like the stars, You said. And You promised to give them some prime real estate, too. You may be all-powerful, but do You really want to be tied up litigating a breach-of-contract case?"
"Oh, very well. But you go down and let The People know just how ticked I am. Remind them that I have already said I'd kill people for wearing the wrong clothes or not washing--so making a Golden Ducky (or whatever) is waaaaaay over the line."
--------------------
"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'
Posts: 2740 | From: Delaware, USA | Registered: Sep 2008
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
Exodus 32:15-21
So Moses tuned lickety-split and bolted down the mountain as fast as his feet could safely carry him, lugging the two tablets of The Agreement, inscribed on both sides, one one side and on the other side, tablets uniquely inscribed by the One True God (in various tenses), as he ran.
He approached Joshua, who had been waiting with superhuman patience halfway down, Joshua yelled, "there is a ruckus among us, a cry of war from the camp! Come quickly!"
But Moses answered him, "Indeed, there is a great ruckus among us, but it's not that kind of ruckus!
"It is not the tune of war you hear
nor the dirge of defeated legions,
It is the singing of some celebration!"
As Moses approached the camp and saw the...what the hell was that thing? A duck? A camel? He turned his head sideways and screwed his eyebrows up, and it struck him. It's a freaking calf! My People are worshiping a thing that eats grass and goes Moo! Did they really think a freaking bull led them out of Egypt?
Needless to say, Moses got quite mad. In a blend of pique and almost-liturgical symbolism, he took the God-chiseled Tablets of the Pact and threw them on the ground, shattering them at the foot of the mountain! Then, Hulk-like, he took the entire golden calf and, with a cry of "MOSES SMASH!" burned it. Then he ground it into powder. As if this wasn't enough, he stewed the golden powder and made God's people drink it.
Then he turned to Aaron, still Hulk-like, and shouted, "You fool! What you do make these people do this! ANSWER ME!"
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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg
Posts: 7522 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006
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Nigel M
Shipmate
# 11256
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Posted
Exodus 32:22-35
“Please, my brother,” grovelled Aaron, “Don't burn like that fire; it really wasn't all my fault. You know how The People have been – they jump at any chance to rebel. They didn't know what had happened to you and wanted me to make a god for them to follow on the road. I thought we could get some good out of this and asked them for their gold. Believe it or not, they actually gave it all to me. I sort of threw it into the fire and out came this... this...”
“Cuckoo?” Said Joshua.
“No,” Piped up one of the entourage, “I'd say it was more like a turkey.”
“Or a giraffe” From the third rank.
“Seriously, I see a dog swallowing a...”
“Cuckoo.” “No, look – that's the neck...”
“Giraffe!” “No, it's a turkey!” “Not from here it isn't, see – if you stand here, bend down a bit, lean to the left...”
“Cloud” Said Aaron, miserably.
“Bull!” Said Moses. “You sounds like a whingeing Adam!” And he stormed off into the middle of The People to sort things out.
“Snake!” Hissed Joshua, as he pushed past the even more miserable Aaron and joined Moses – with one hand on one of his swords, another on his sling, and a knife between his teeth...
There was chaos in the camp of The People. The lack of leadership – especially by Aaron – meant they had become an uncontrollable mess (mostly paralytically prostrate) and this had not gone unnoticed by wags among the less-than-friendly elements in nearby foreign tribes. Although Moses' grasp of Southwestern Semitic languages was a tad rusty, he could tell by the gestures – particularly among that small group on camels passing by over there who were pointing at those of the more catatonic persuasion among The People, howling with laughter and performing hand movements of a universally understandable and anatomically (almost) correct nature.
Moses stomped through the camp from end to end, passing the remains of a pretty interesting party, until he reached the camp's edge. There he watched as the passing camels – who seemed to have an uncanny understanding of the jokes being banded about by their riders and who felt that the said jokes were of the highest order – and he turned to face the The People.
“Enough!” He said. “Listen to me, everybody. Whoever is still loyal to I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU, come and stand by me.”
There was one tribe of The People, the Joined-Up, that remained sober (and hence awake) and who came over to Moses.
“Good.” Said Moses, “I now have a very important announcement and it comes direct from I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU, the God of this People. He says, 'Each of the men are to put on their swords and go through this whole camp, executing those rebels who you had counted to be your fellow-clansmen, your friends and neighbours.' “
The Joined-Up tribesmen did just that and in one day they executed about 3,000 rebels. Moses called them together again and said to them, “You have earned the right to be leaders for I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU. You carried out God's sentence as you were told to do.”
On the next day – formally known as the Day of Headache – Moses began the second stage of the judicial process. He laid the charge of High Treason against the rebels, the sentence for which was well known. Moses said he would bargain with I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU to see if there was any option for reconciliation and mercy.
So Moses did – although regretting that he had made the offer as this meant another plod back up the mountain. Staggering to the top, he caught his breath and made the case. “My Goodness! What treason by The People! They actually went and made a gold...thingamabob. Disgraceful! Still, is there any chance of mercy for them? If it helps, I am prepared to take the blame. Cut short my prospects of continuity down the generations rather than blame them.”
I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU made his decision: “Each rebel has to be punished by having their continuity cut short. You, however, must be there to lead this People. They can't cope without a leader. So take them to the destination we talked about. Take notice! One of my representatives will be in front all the way. I will, however, choose the right time and place to execute my punishment on the rebels.”
In due course, that is what happened. I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU sent a nasty disease on the rebels as a punishment for their behaviour when Aaron produced that golden thingamabob.
Posts: 2826 | From: London, UK | Registered: Apr 2006
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
Exodus 33:1-6
Wishing to put the whole "Covenant at Sinai" thing behind him, I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU said to Moses:
Go! Leave this place! You and the horse you rode...erm...I mean all the people you brought up out or Egypt! Go to the land that I promised to your ancestors Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob saying "To your descendants I will give it."! And in case you're worried about security, I will send an angel before you, and I will drive out the Hittites, Perizzites, Hivites, and the Jenbusites...
Moses scratched his beard. "What if there are other tribes there?"
I beg your pardon?
"I mean...I'm glad you're willing to rid the world of those four tribes, but what if there are other tribes that you didn't tell us about? What if there are, like, Parasites or something?"
Oh, I'll take care of those too! Trust me, for I am I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU!" I'm telling you to go to this land, flowing with with milk and honey. But be warned, I will NOT go amog you, because my purity is just too much for your stiff necks to handle. It would fry you all to a crisp.
Moses shuddered, and delivered the message to The People.
The People, when they heard these words, mourned. They mourned so much that there was not a single adornment on anyone there! That bit I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU had said about burning them to a crisp, they really took it to heart. When I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU had said, "So now take off your ornaments, and I will decide what to do to you," well, that really shook them up, and they promptly removed all ornaments from themselves.
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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg
Posts: 7522 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
And lo, God was tense.
![[Biased]](wink.gif)
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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Nigel M
Shipmate
# 11256
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Posted
Exodus 33:7-11
It was indeed a tense moment. Betwixt and between the times. On a cusp. The liminal existence between two episodes of a multi-part dramatisation of The Lord of the Blings. The audience was left with a rapid resonance refrain of radio-phonic raucousness as the camera zoomed into the harrowed features of the hero as he evocatively emitted emotion in the face of feckless foes, then froze, and a dramatic dictation from a deep diaphragm detonated: “Will The People be rescued? What will I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU do with the Bling? How will Moses communicate with I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU in the absence of I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU, a cloud and a mountain? Tune in next time to hear the next episode of.....”
“Feck.” Said Moses.
“Pardon?” Said Aaron.
“We need more feck. The People lack purpose and vitality.”
“Oh – feck. Yes. Got it.”
Moses stopped pacing up and down, something he had been doing for a while during this hiatus as I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU pondered his future relationship with His People, and called for Joshua.
“Jo.....”
“Ready to serve, My Master”
“Please don't DO that. Were you behind me all the time?”
“My purpose is to live and serve My Master and Teacher.”
“Well please purpose to give me warning when you are near me. Now, saddle up a mule and cart and put a spare tent and poles in it. We're going on a short journey.”
“O goody, goody!” Clapped Aaron as he grabbed his day pack, containing 3-day rations for a priest in training (surplus surplices, but no secular food...).
They trundled out of the camp to a point somewhere between the camp and the mountain, where Moses unpacked the tent. “Now my young apprentice” he said to Joshua, “We are going to pitch this tent here. It will function as a Meeting Tent, away from the feckless People but not up the mountain. The People will be able to come here when they need guidance and adjudication from I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU.”
“Aha. I understand, My Master. Between two poles. It will bring balance to the Force.” And Joshu set out the tent and placed the pegs in the ground ready for driving. Then he picked up one of the biggest mallets Moses had ever seen. Both Moses and Aaron flinched and took several large involuntary steps backwards, as Joshua adopted a stance reminiscent of an ancient martial art named 'Hai-Ya' and swung the mallet at the first peg. “DIE, AMORITE!” Whack.
“Goodness.” Breathed Aaron, “He's awfully keen, isn't he?
“He will have his uses.” Agreed Moses.
And so it was (narrator speaking – diaphragmatic voice) that Moses set the example of going regularly from the camp to the Meeting Tent – deliberately in daylight so The People would watch and hopefully eventually get the point. A cloudy column would come down and cover the communion (help me out, I'm running out of alliteration), while I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU and Moses chatted away. The People would stay at their own tents, learning feck.
Moses would come and go from the camp to the Tent, but his young apprentice, Joshua O'Noon, stood guard over the Tent all the time.
Posts: 2826 | From: London, UK | Registered: Apr 2006
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
Exodus 33:12-23
Within the smoky confines, after the long months of work, Moses finally let loose, saying to I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU,
Look! For month after month, you have been telling me to "Lead this people forward," "Onward to the Promised Land!" and "Remember the Maine!"
Huh?
OK...not the last bit (where the heck did that come from?), but you've been giving me directions, orders, demands, leading us to the verge of exhaustion and beyond, forcing me to go ten miles past the call of duty! You keep telling me to go forward, but you have yet, even once, to tell me which direction forward is! In addition, You have not sent me anyone who can tell me which way to go! I do not know your ways, and i do not know whom You, in your eternal wisdom, are going to send with me! We are supposed to be your Holy People, right?
And the I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU responded, with typical verbosity: I will go in the lead and I will lighten your burdens.
And Moses responded: You had better! Please, do not force us to go onward alone, but lead us! How else shall anyone recognize us as Your Holy People who have gained Your Holy Favor unless You Yourself go with us? How else are we to be distinguished from every other two-bit proto-ethnicity on the face of the earth?
An I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU responded, tersely: I will do this thing that you have asked, for it is true that you have gained My Holy Favor and that I have singled you out by name.
And Moses cried out in a sudden fit of religious ecstasy, "Oh Lord, let me behold your presence!"
Without batting an eye, I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU responded: Very well. I will make all of My Goodness pass before you, shall make My Name known to you, and show you the grace & compassion that I shall show.
But...you shall not see my face, for man shall not see my face and live!
Moses thought about calling for Miriam, but thought better of it.
I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU continued, Now, stand in that spot over there, which is near Me. Sit down on that there rock, and as My Presence passes by, I, I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU, will put you in the cleft of that rock and shield you with My Hand while the Front of Me passes by you. Then, at just the right moment, I will remove My Hand from your eyes and you will see My Backside; but My Face shall not be seen!
Don't blink.
And so, as some of the wiseacres of the camp would have it, Moses got mooned.
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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg
Posts: 7522 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006
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Nigel M
Shipmate
# 11256
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Posted
Exodus 34:1-9
Now I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU told Moses to chisel out two new slates of stone, just like the ones God had given him up the mountain – the ones Moses had broken.
“You mean like the ones you made and that broke when I put them down?” Asked Moses, “Those rather heavy slabs? Couldn't we just say that the covenant was broken and that we should cut a new one using, say, papyrus?
“Besides,” he continued after a pause, “It was Your People's fault. They broke the faith.”
“And” after another pause, “My chisel is worn down.”
Pause.
“I'll get another.”
I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU told Moses to come back up the mountain...
“Oh Bummer. Couldn't we just do this down here? Look – here's a nice piece of rock – ideal, if you ask me, for cutting covenants...”
Pause.
“I'll get me walking rod.”
I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU emphasised the importance of Moses coming alone the whole way. No other human and, indeed, no animal, were to come within spitting distance of the mountain.
“No animal??? but what about my food? How about I bring one of those little lambs-what-haveth-not-a-blemish-thereon that you are partial to with me? No? Some bread? Seeds?
Pause.
So it was that early next morning, Moses heaved a couple of heavy sighs, then heaved a couple of heavy stones (chiselled and strikingly similar to the first pair), and set about tottering up the mountain again. For his pains he was treated to a theophany: I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU came down in a cloud and stood there with him. Just in case Moses thought this a mere cumulonimbus phenomenon, he announced his name: “I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU.” Then he passed in front of Moses and gave his full family name:
“I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU; I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU;
God of sympathy and pity;
Pausing before judging;
Exceedingly loyal and trusty;
Keeping the loyalty safe for everyone forever;
Forgiving disloyalties, treacheries, and rebellions.
Not forgetting to judge the guilty;
Responding to the rebels, even if they live long enough to see their great-grandchildren.”
“Ooh-err” Thought Moses and quickly he fell down. A response was needed sharpish, he felt, to avoid another of those rather embarrassing pauses.
“It may be,” Moses said, “that I am still in your good books. If that is the case, would you, I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU, my master with that rather full name, stay with us and lead us? I'm the first to admit that this People of yours are enough to cause even the most patient master to smash a covenant to the ground, but if you are as patient as you say, would you mind awfully doing a bit of the 'Keeping the loyalty safe for everyone forever' thing?”
And Moses held his breath....
Posts: 2826 | From: London, UK | Registered: Apr 2006
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
{bump}
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
Exodus 34:10-14
And lo! A piece of parchment materialized. Moses picked it up. In the most stylized Hebraic writing either of them had either seen, on the top it read COVENANT
Reading on, Moses recited...
WHEREAS I AM WHAT I AM, WAS WHAT I WAS, AND WILL BE WHAT I WILL BE...
[A] Wonders, such the world has never yet seen shall be worked before THE PEOPLE, so that THE WORLD and SURROUNDING TRIBES may know who THE PEOPLE are and who I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU (hereafter referred to as THE LORD) is.
[B] THE PEOPLE will be mindful of what THE LORD is saying in this document.
[C] The following list of tribes shall be removed from the premises of THE PROMISED LAND (subject to future emendation):
[D] THE PEOPLE shall refrain from making COVENANTS of any of the aforementioned TRIBES, as it may complicate the process of LAND SANCTIFICATION. All properties of aforementioned TRIBES, including but not limited to: must be torn down, smashed, or otherwise obliterated.
[E] And you shall worship on other god, for THE LORD, aka IMPASSIONED, is an Impassioned God
[to be continued...
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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg
Posts: 7522 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006
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Nigel M
Shipmate
# 11256
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Posted
Exodus 34:15-26
...and Moses let out his breath, which was just as well, since he had been holding it since July, over three months before.
He listened on...
[F] Don't go cutting any covenants with the afore-mentioned TRIBES, because they are covenant breakers and will invite you into their homes, where they will perform lewd and licentious acts for their gods, asking you to take part, and worse, offering their daughters as pseudo-wives for your sons, who will also be tempted to perform lewd and licentious acts.... MOSES? ARE YOU LISTENING???
“Whoops sorry! My mind was wandering a bit there...”
[G] Don't repeat the mistake Aaron made: no more molten images. You don't want to come back up here to make another set of tablets, do you?
[H] Keep the Holiday of Unyeasted Bread. Eat that sort of bread for seven days (remember I told you this before? Chapter 23?). The Holiday is scheduled for the first month of the year – that same month The People came out of Egypt.
[I] The first-born of all is for me. That includes the male firstborn of your livestock. I'm not so fussed about donkeys – brutish things – so exchange them with a lamb instead. If you don't, then just break the donkey's neck. I don't really want it. Don't forget to redeem your sons, as well.
“If someone doesn't,” Asked Moses, “Should I break the sons' necks, too?”
Don't be silly, “Answered, “If you did they would be empty headed and no one is to appear before me empty.”
[J] You will work for six days a week, but not on the seventh. I don't care how important the work is – you must rest. Consider this the first Working Time Directive.
[K] Keep the Holidays of Weeks and Harvest – both wheat and turn of the year. These three Holidays are for The male People to come, give account, and be taught by their master: I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU, the God of The People. Don't worry – your properties will be safe when you attend before me; I will kick out the afore-mentioned TRIBES so they won't try to nick anything from you.
[L] Don't forget: no offerings of yeast during Passover and also no blood sacrifices. The sacrifices themselves must be eaten up that day.
[M] The very first of the first crop to be harvested must be brought to me in my house.
“The best of the crop?” Queried Moses, “Wouldn't it be better to plant that for a better crop next year?”
“Don't be daft” Said God, “That would be like cooking a newly born goat in its own mother's milk. Bring it to me instead.”
Posts: 2826 | From: London, UK | Registered: Apr 2006
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Gwai
Shipmate
# 11076
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Posted
Exodus 34: 27-35
"Hey, Moses! Are you paying attention? Huh. I'm not so sure. Write this all down, so I don't have to trust your memory. This stuff is really important. It's my contract with The People. No, not in short-hand either. I want every syllable copied down. And I am watching. In fact, just in case you're tempted to cut any more corners, no food or drink until you've done it all, right."
Forty days later, Moses sighed as he came back into camp. "You'd have to be the son of God to do that on your own," he said. "Hey, Aaron, where are you going? Everyone! Where ARE you all going. Stop running away! Aaron! Aaaaaaroooon."
Aaron sighed and glared at the other leaders of the community. Why is it always my job to tell him! Okay, fine... "Erm, Moses, you might you want to put something on your face like make-up or something. It's .... shiny. Either you had way too good a time up there on the mountain..." (Moses snorted at this one.) If that shininess is because you talked to God, please keep that cloth on your face or you'll blind us all. You can take it off when you talk to God again, your high and mightiness."
Moses' face shone red, but he did as he was told.
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A master of men was the Goodly Fere,
A mate of the wind and sea.
If they think they ha’ slain our Goodly Fere
They are fools eternally.
Posts: 11914 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006
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jinglebellrocker
Shipmate
# 8493
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Posted
Exodus 35:1-9
Moses gathered everyone together to tell them what God wanted them to do.
"OK, everyone. First of all, Saturday is our national day off. In fact, working on Saturday will be a capital offense. Don't so much as strike a match!
"Now that we're clear about Saturday, there is plenty of work to be done on the other six days. First of all, we've got to build a tent for God to live in. It's going to be expensive, so we're going to pass around an offering plate. You need to give us your gold, silver, and bronze. If you don't have any of that, give us what you have, even if it's just a piece of yarn. The Lord's favorite colors are blue, purple, and red. Even goat skins or bits of wood will be accepted. We are also in need of oil and spices. If you have any jewelry, we will need them for the priests. The Lord wants His servants looking their best."
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For I know that my Redeemer lives,and at the last he will stand upon the earth. - Job 19:25
Posts: 243 | From: Madisonville, Tennessee | Registered: Sep 2004
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
Exodus 35:10-19
Moses continued.
And is there anyone here who can hammer a nail, sew a straight line, or shape gold into pretty designs? Well, if so, then the Lord of Lords wants You!
You see, once we get all this stuff together, we need people who can make it into stuff! What sort of stuff you ask? Let's see...
He flipped out a rock and started chiseling...
We need 1 Tabernacle with covering and associated clasps, planks, bars, posts, and sockets. We need 1 Ark of the Covenant with poles, cover, and curtain for a screen. We need a Table with poles and a full set of utensils for Bread of the Presence™. We need lampstand for lighting, with associated lamps, furnishings, and...
Someone from the crowd piped up. "Wouldn't you need some oil to light them with?"
Yes, we need some oil to light the lamps with!
We'll also need to make the altar for incense and associated poles; oil to smear on holy things, and of course aromatic incense.
Aaron perked up at the mention of "incense."
We need one entrance screen for the Tabernacle entrance, an Altar of Burnt Offering with associated copper grating, poles, and furnishings; a laver and a stand...
Joshua spoke up. "What's a laver?"
Aaron turned to him. "Dude, it's something you bathe in."
...and we need hangings for The Enclosure with posts and sockets, and a screen for the Gate of the Court; and we need pegs for the Tabernacle, pegs for the enclosure, and cords to tie the whole thing down! Finally, we need service vestments for the servers, sacral vestments for the sacred...
"The Sacred?" asked Aaron
I mean you and your sons, those holy vestments we talked about a few chapters ago!
"Oh," said Aaron, wondering when stuttering Moses had suddenly turned into the spokesperson.
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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg
Posts: 7522 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006
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Nigel M
Shipmate
# 11256
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Posted
Exodus 35:20-29
The Reubanite tribal elder, Elizur, left Moses and returned to his part of the camp, calling his clan leaders to gather around. He addressed the seated company.
“The People's leader is asking for our assistance. This is purely voluntary, of course, but you know our wives will make our lives hell if the Simeonites cough up more than us. What can we offer to help in the building of the Meeting Tent?”
Elizur looked around the seated company.
The seated company looked roundly uncomfortable.
“Don't look at me,” Said the head of the Mishael clan, “Back in Egypt you advised me to sink all my money into the Reed Sea Ferry Company.”
“And I was doing well with my bakery business,” Said another leader, “Until all manna of things fell from heaven.”
“I tried selling knives to the Amelekites” Piped up another.
“All right, all right” Answered Elizur. “Are you telling me the Simeonites are going to beat us in this? Am I the one to go to my precious wife, All Blessings Be to God, to say that I am to go before Moses empty handed, while the wife of my brother the Simeonite displays her copious endowments? Will not my wife, Glory Be to The Glorious Grace, consult with your wives, Total Thanksgivings Be to The Transcendence, and enquire after your health?”
The seated company squirmed in the manner of a particularly loathsome Canaanite who had just been smoten mightily by the hand of a particularly zealous deity. There was a general clamour:
“There's always the silver dishes we took from the Egyptians – and the spoons, and the tapestries, plus the rings and the wooden slats from the leftover chariots – and we're sure that once we explain how the thing stands vis-a-vis the Simeonites that our wives, Immense Munificences to The Excellent Eminence, will spin all fashions of yarn and silk and linen, not to mention what they can do to a leather hide” (and here the seated company gingerly shifted their backsides).
“Thank God” Said Elizur.
And so it was that a major freewill offering was collected across all the tribes for the work I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU had freely commanded Moses to do.
Posts: 2826 | From: London, UK | Registered: Apr 2006
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Nigel M
Shipmate
# 11256
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Posted
Exodus 35:30-38:20
Moses had been watching out for practical talent among The People. The time had come to do some appointing.
“Now Pay Attention, People” said Moses, “I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU has already identified God-Shadow as having the nous to do chiselly stuff. The same goes for My-Dad's-A-Tent. Both lads are perfectly capable of teaching others as well. We've got a good team of craftsmen now and they will lead on the construction of the Meeting Tent and its bits and bobs – just as I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU commanded me as per all those tablets.”
And Moses indicated all those boxes of tablets that were now in the purview of the construction industry. Tick the project box marked 'Scope'.
Moses then formally handed over all the offerings that had been pouring in from the tribes for the purposes of building. Tick the box marked 'Resources'.
In fact, the resource availability was so great that there was more than the project needed. This was escalated to the Project Board as an issue and Moses was formally obliged to close the tap on this income. All of which just goes to show that not all Government inspired national construction projects are necessarily doomed to go over budget.
The experts and professionals sharpened their tools, consulted the tablets, and...
Constructed the Meeting Tent – Tablet 1; Tablet 2; Tablet 3; and Tablet 4.
Ditto the I-Box – Tablet 1; and Tablet 2.
Ditto the Table.
And the Lampstand.
And the Altar of Smells.
Not forgeting the other Altar For Burning Things On.
Nicely set off by the Courtyard.
“My Goodness” exclaimed Moses when he came out of his tent, “That all looked so very easy.”
Posts: 2826 | From: London, UK | Registered: Apr 2006
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
Exodus 38:21-31
RECORD OF RESOURCES EXPENDED IN CONSTRUCTION OF THE MEETING TENT
The following has been written according to Moses' command, by the Levites, under the direction of Ithamar, son of Aaron the priest. Chief designers were Bezalel, son of Uri son of Hur, of the tribe of Judah; with assistance from Ohaliab son of Ahisamach, of the tribe of Dan, carver and designer, and embroiderer in blue, purple, and crimson yarns and in fine linen.
- Gold: 29 Talents, 730 Shekels
- Silver: 100 talents, 1,775 Shekels (sanctuary weight)*
- Copper: 70 Talents, 2,400 Shekels
Gold used for "all the work of the sanctuary."
Silver used to cast the sockets of the meeting tent and the sockets of the meeting tent curtain: 100 talents/100 sockets = 1 socket/talent The remaining 1,775 shekels were for hooks for the posts, overlay for the tops and bands around them.
Copper used to make sockets for the entrance to the Meeting Tent, the copper altar, copper grating for copper altar, utensils for same altar, sockets of the enclosure round about, sockets of the gate of the enclosure, and various and sundry pegs.
*Half a shekel per head by sanctuary weight for each one entered into the records over the age of 20, these were 603.550 men.
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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg
Posts: 7522 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006
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Lynn MagdalenCollege
Shipmate
# 10651
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Posted
Exodus 39:1-7
In addition, from the blue & purple & scarlet stuff, they wove fine fabric and turned it into set-apart clothing for doing the set-apart work and an extra-holy-set-apart outfit for Aaron.
Because that's what I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU told Moses to do.
Bezalel and his most-excellent craftsmen made the ephod of gold and blue & purple & scarlet stuff and fine linen, twisted. A kind of apron with a breastplate...
The most-excellent craftsmen hammered sheets of gold, so fine and thin that they could weave it with the linen and the blue & purple & scarlet stuff. The front and the back of the ephod attached at the shoulders.
And these most-excellent craftsmen took onyx, set it in gold filigree, and then engraved the onyx with the names of the sons of Israel. These engraved stones were then set into the woven shoulder pieces of the ephod.
Just as I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU told Moses to do.
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Erin & Friend; Been there, done that; Ruth musical
Posts: 6263 | From: California | Registered: Nov 2005
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
And then they made this other cool stuff for Aaron to wear--a breastplate in the usual colors, square and with plenty of gold (yay!)and jewels (yowza!). They came in four rows, and had these awesome fancy settings. And in the first row was a...
[strains eyes. removes glasses, rubs them, puts on again]
...a something, and then a whatchamacallit, and then a [untranslateable].
And in the second row there was a doohickey, a thingamajig, and a tchotchke.
In the third row was a thingamabob, a bibelot, and a dingbat.
And in the fourth row there was a doodad, a whatsit, a , and a # formerly known as a jasper.
They all got engraved with the names of the twelve tribes, which must have been a real blast for the poor engraver.
And then they put some gold hooky-thingies on the breastplate in a ...
[squints]
...REAL complicated way, so as to keep Aaron from flashing the congregation. Or something.
Here endeth the reading from Exodus 39:15-21.
[mops brow]
[ 02. January 2010, 21:04: Message edited by: Lamb Chopped ]
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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