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Source: (consider it) Thread: Circus: Taking it literally
Ariel
Shipmate
# 58

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You could certainly have fried an egg on my face, but it wasn't up to bacon, and there didn't seem to be making any way of toast on any part of my anatomy, so thankfully I abandoned the attempt. I glared at the bug and told it firmly, "I was here first."

The bug was completely unrepentant and reminded me that size wasn't everything. "You may be bigger than me," it said, "but there's no need to throw your weight around."

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jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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At this timely reminder of my size and weight advantage, I uncoiled myself from the foetal position, drew myself up to my full height, and prepared to demolish him. It had to be a him, his irritation quotient was a dead givaway. "Die, buglet," I crooned through my teeth. Then I threw myself on him like a ton of bricks.

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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

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Nunzia

Shipmate
# 4766

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But since brick don't have the power of self-locomotion there was no effect.

The bug looked at me wide-eyed, and said, "Can't we be friends?" I though about it. This story could use a lovable sidekick and a cute little bug might just fill the bill.

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Amanda B. Reckondwythe

Dressed for Church
# 5521

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And so I flagged down a passing pelican, whose bill was quite nicely filled by Mr. Bug. "Ummm, delicious!" the pelican remarked. "So much for the appetizer; what's the entree going to be?" I must confess that the thought of supplying gourmet meals for a pelican had me on pins and needles.

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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.

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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58

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"Late," I yowled, hopping from foot to foot in some pain, "but if you're in a hurry, you might try the Pelican Cafe round the corner. They cater for hungry, impatient birds."

"Do you think I might be able to get a bug burger special?" the pelican said hopefully, "with chips, a salad with extra tomato but no onion, and a blue cheese dressing on the side?"

"They do it all the time," I assured him, and watched as the happy pelican shot round the corner like a speeding bullet.

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Jahlove
Tied to the mast
# 10290

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The pelican was bent totally out of shape as he first hit a parked Bentley and richocheted off several lamp-posts and a passing meter maid. The car's owner and the lovely Rita were not looking overly amused at this disruption of their day's plans. Not to mention the pelican who sat squawking his annoyance upside-down on the kerb. "Oh dear", I said to myself, "time to face the music".

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“Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth.” - Mark Twain

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mousethief

Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953

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I turned around, and there, behind me (well, in front of me now), was a full symphony orchestra, blaring Gershwin's "Rhapsody in Blue" in my face. Having faced the music for a bit, I hurried off to find some clothes, as I was freezing my ass (arse) off.

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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...

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Nunzia

Shipmate
# 4766

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I'd tried diet and exercise. Liposuction was too expensive, and so I went for a new procedure called cryoculodemantecactomy. It literally freezes the fat out of your butt! The result is wonderful, but the process isn't exactly my cup of tea.

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MiceElf

Not your average mouse
# 4389

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Tea oh my! I realised I had had nothing to eat or drink all day. Me and my new best friend the dented pelican set off for the cafe. A funny thought struck me as we walked in through the front door to the delicious smell of hot buttered toast... "Do Bakers make bread because they knead the dough?" I asked the pelican.
He returned my musings with a blank stare and a vacant look, it was clear the lights were on but there was no-one home.

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What do we want.... Cure for Obesity
When do we want it.... After Dessert.

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mousethief

Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953

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And indeed the pelican wasn't at home anywhere he went. He soon recovered his composure and we walked arm in wing into the cafe. We found a table and ordered lunch when the waitress came back to tell us our sandwiches would be a while: the bread wasn't done baking yet. We were gobsmacked.

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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...

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MiceElf

Not your average mouse
# 4389

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When we were done with smacking our gobs, we realised that we were starving and needed food NOW we just couldnt wait for the bread to be cooked, thats when my eye fell upon the rock cakes stacked on the counter.

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What do we want.... Cure for Obesity
When do we want it.... After Dessert.

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mousethief

Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953

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This was very embarrassing. I retrieved my eye from the rock cake and asked the waitress if we might have a slice. "I never knew you had a glass eye," said the pelican. "It only comes out at night," I explained. "Can we keep this our little secret? I'd rather you didn't let the cat out of the bag."

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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...

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Smudgie

Ship's Barnacle
# 2716

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But it was too late. The pelican peeped into the bag but the bag was empty. That ferocious feline was loose on the streets again and we had no way of finding it. Now we were in a pickle.

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Miss you, Erin.

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Nunzia

Shipmate
# 4766

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And it was huge! We'd never be able to eat our way out.

"Hey!", I cried from the briny deep, "What's the big dill?"

Then I realized that only worked with an American accent, and I didn't want to start a pond war.

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MiceElf

Not your average mouse
# 4389

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Sadly it was too late, the pond war had already started. The low life leeches and amoeba were in pitch battle, while the toads were hurling boulders from the safety of their lily pads.
It was all too much for Isaac the little amphibian who had taken to drink.. he truly was as pissed as a newt.

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What do we want.... Cure for Obesity
When do we want it.... After Dessert.

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aggg
Shipmate
# 13727

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Which confused me, given that my extensive research of amphibians suggests they have an aversion to alcohol. With these thoughts in mind, I continued to walk along the pavement minding my own business. Presently, I stopped at the window of a small teashop. "My, I said "I'd give my hind teeth to eat one of those cakes!"

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Myrrh: please, in future refrain from replying to anything I might write

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jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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Sadly, the shop only accepted cash. The Pelican didn't understand my grief. "Come on mate," he remarked cheerfully, " no need for you to get your knickers in a twist. "

[ 07. September 2009, 11:01: Message edited by: jacobsen ]

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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

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mousethief

Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953

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But twisted they were, and it hurt like heck. I looked around hoping to duck into a nearby alley to untwist them but there were no alleys to be seen. I asked but the teashop had no loo. Either I was going to have to go about all day with twisted knickers, or change them in public in broad daylight. I was stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea.

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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...

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Nunzia

Shipmate
# 4766

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Luckily he was toting a huge beach towel. We cut a deal, and he held up the towel while I untwisted my knickers. What a relief!

Maybe it wasn't worth selling my soul, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

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Amanda B. Reckondwythe

Dressed for Church
# 5521

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Just then I turned a corner and what loomed before me but the dreaded bridge. I went to reach into my pocket for the toll, but remembered I was wearing nothing except my knickers -- and they had no pockets! "Aren't you a friend of the bishop?" the toll collector asked, apparently recognizing me. "Go right on through," he continued, "You're home free!"

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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.

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MiceElf

Not your average mouse
# 4389

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The smile upon my face said it all, after all the trials and tribulations of the last few days I was home... Home!... even the sound of it was music to my ears and I began to sing.
I gazed upon those green green grasses as my heart leapt and tears welled in my eyes... but my silent appreciation was ruined by the sound of screaming, and I came face to face with an hysterical woman who pointed to my undressed state as she screamed "your all mouth and no trousers".

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What do we want.... Cure for Obesity
When do we want it.... After Dessert.

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mousethief

Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953

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Well certainly the all trousers part was true, but as I went to demonstrate that the all mouth was not, I found that I was, indeed, all mouth. My drawers promptly dropped off. Soon I was able to recover the rest of my body, and my drawers. And lo! a pair of trousers appeared out of nowhere. "Well," I said, "I really landed on my feet this time."

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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...

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mousethief

Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953

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(oops make that "no trousers")

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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...

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Amanda B. Reckondwythe

Dressed for Church
# 5521

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But oh, did my feet hurt, not used to the strain of landing. I wanted nothing more than to sit down in one of the plush armchairs in Lady Plimpton's drawing room and put my feet up on one of her velvet hassocks. The day had worn on, and evening was at hand; the stars were coming out. That old familiar song from my childhood began to rush through my head: "When you wish upon a star . . ."

[ 07. September 2009, 17:30: Message edited by: Amanda B. Reckondwythe ]

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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.

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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58

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But first I had to get on a star so I could wish on it.

I rushed off to busk in the nearest subway, and within an hour had scraped together the fare to America. Before the evening was out, I had arrived at NASA's headquarters demanding to be launched into space so I could wish upon a star. I met with quite a mixed reception, from laughter to annoyance - one person actually gave me a rocket.

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Nunzia

Shipmate
# 4766

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I scrambled into the rocket and away from the raging shouts of the person who gave it to me. All my mixed feelings unmixed to pure joy as I found the rocket had launched itself into space and I was heading for the stars.

But...weren't stars kind of unhealthily hottish? I had gone from the frying pan into the fire!

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Posts: 1903 | From: Crazy-glued to the ledge | Registered: Jul 2003  |  IP: Logged
Amanda B. Reckondwythe

Dressed for Church
# 5521

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And here's where that bargain I had made with the devil (remember the knickers and the beach towel?) came in handy. As my rocket landed on Betelguese, who should appear at the gate to greet me but Old Scratch himself. "Here's an asbestos suit for you," he said, thus solving the problem of the excessive heat and my nakedness (save for the knickers) at the same time. Now my only problem was what to do on Betelguese -- it seemed an incredibly dull place, as though they had rolled up the sidewalks.

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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.

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mousethief

Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953

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But thanks to the help of my new fiend I was able to unroll one of them, and find hidden behind it an actual patisserie, into which I strolled and ordered a slice of fairy cake and a cuppa. But Betelgeuse tea isn't the same as tea back on Earth. Soon I had a case of the green apple two-step.

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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...

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Nunzia

Shipmate
# 4766

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It's much simpler than a 12 steps program. Just admit you eat too many green apples, and stop eating them for Pete's sake.

"I wish I hadn't drunk that tea", I said and immediately went back in time several star hours.

Would all my wishes come true on this star? I had to take a leap of faith.

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jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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And Splash! there I was, drowning in the Sea of Faith. "I don't believe it," burst from me before I could think of the consequences. And immediately the Sea of Faith had vanished like a dream in the night.

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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

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Amanda B. Reckondwythe

Dressed for Church
# 5521

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I woke up screaming. "There, there," the dowager princess said, "it's all been just a bad dream. But I'd better call the bishop just in case." "Yes, please, Your Highness, the bishop," I replied. "I've got a lot to get off my chest."

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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.

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mousethief

Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953

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And indeed there was a lot on my chest. 415 South Monroe Street, to be precise. With the bishop's help we removed it and got on the spaceship for home. "Boy will I be glad to be home. I'm so looking forward to being back to Earth, I can almost taste it."

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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...

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churchgeek

Have candles, will pray
# 5557

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Blech! That taste of earth turned out to be the Archbishop tossing dirt on me. My sleep had been so deep, all my companions had thought I was dead. But now the dream's spell on me was gone. I had never left the earth; but I had only escaped being buried alive by the skin of my teeth!

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I reserve the right to change my mind.

My article on the Virgin of Vladimir

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jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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Reaching hastily for the nearest toothbrush, I scrubbed said teeth to get the taste of earth out of my mouth. "Is graveyard earth tainted?" I thought to myself. "Probably," came the reply."Better go to A&E to be checked out." I headed off like a streak of lightning.

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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

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Smudgie

Ship's Barnacle
# 2716

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"The trouble with streaks of lightning is the damage they sometimes cause," I muttered to myself as the hospital burst into flames around me. My earth-stained teeth were clearly of little significance to the nurses and doctors who were frantically trying to evacuate the building and seemed reluctant to pay me any attention whatsoever. In frustration I hit the door with my fist, and promptly smashed the safety glass in the window. I was a walking disaster area.

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Miss you, Erin.

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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58

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Within quite a short space of time scientists had gathered round me, eager to see this curiosity who had small local earthquakes in the nether regions, floods in the upper and a wildfire crackling away in my hair. Within an even shorter space of time, I'd been offered a highly lucrative contract at the local circus. I deliberated about whether to take it or not. I wasn't too keen on my current condition, to put it mildly, but it was money for jam.
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MiceElf

Not your average mouse
# 4389

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Stationary cupboards hold stationary, stock cupboards hold cupboards, so I was not suprised to find a door marked "Disaster Cupboard" as I was hurriedly bundled inside by a distracted nurse.
She quickly locked the door behind her, and I was left alone to survey all the disasters that this cupboard could contain. Fire, famine, earthquake, and tsunami all seemed to be correctly labelled and carefully stored, I wandered along each row searching for "Walking Disaster" in order to wait patiently for my turn, when I realised that there was no space with my label on it, and that I was the only walking disaster to be held. A long uncertain future pacing the 10ft x 18ft store room lay ahead and at that point, when all I wanted was a nice long rest I would have given anything to be left on the shelf.

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What do we want.... Cure for Obesity
When do we want it.... After Dessert.

Posts: 1032 | From: OILOVWOIGHT | Registered: Apr 2003  |  IP: Logged
Smudgie

Ship's Barnacle
# 2716

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The only trouble was, that I hadn't any jam. Sure, the volcano in my chest was of sufficient heat to boil sugar with ease, but the famine in my earlobes and drought in my toes meant that fruit and sugar were in short supply. I decided that the only option was to seize the cash and make a run for it. And before you, dear reader, condemn me for my decision, you should first walk a mile in my shoes.

--------------------
Miss you, Erin.

Posts: 14382 | From: Under the duvet | Registered: Apr 2002  |  IP: Logged
jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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Will you get the hell out of my shoes, dammit? I didn't mean you to try! Go barefoot if you must, or rob a cyber store. Just go jump in the lake!

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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58

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It took me a while to find a suitable lake, but a quick 11 hour train journey later I'd arrived at a suitably scenic one - well, I wasn't going to jump into an ugly one full of shopping trolleys and other debris - and jumped in it. It was the answer to all my problems! The wildfire in my hair went out, the drought in my toes ceased immediately, and I hadn't felt this good in years. I was feeling a completely new person.
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Smudgie

Ship's Barnacle
# 2716

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It was lucky, really, that this new person I was feeling didn't object. My behaviour was, perhaps, a little forward but after the events of the day I was not sure of the correct etiquette for situations such as landing on an attractive stranger in deep water. And needs must when the Devil drives.

--------------------
Miss you, Erin.

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Gwai
Shipmate
# 11076

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Of course, if the devil hadn't been "helping out," maybe I would have done better with Attractive Person. As soon as he got out of the car, she called her lawyer to ask about damages for a lawsuit. Upon his advice, she yelled "Rape!" and proceeded to slap me silly.

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A master of men was the Goodly Fere,
A mate of the wind and sea.
If they think they ha’ slain our Goodly Fere
They are fools eternally.


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mousethief

Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953

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I got so silly I started doing really goofy things. I'm too embarrassed to mention what they were. Needless to say she hauled me into court, where the judge threw the book at me.

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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...

Posts: 63536 | From: Washington | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
Jahlove
Tied to the mast
# 10290

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I caught it with one hand. Entitled *What My Barrister Tort Me*, it proved jolly useful and I got off on a technicality, arguing, and the jury agreed, that compared to the heinous acts already committed in the state of New Upthread, this latest misdemeanour was indeed, small potatoes.

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“Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth.” - Mark Twain

Posts: 6477 | From: Alice's Restaurant (UK Franchise) | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged
Pearl B4 Swine
Ship's Oyster-Shucker
# 11451

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I went with basket in hand, out to the kitchen garden, at our lovely country home, "Misty Manor". I found a good quantity of tiny potatoes, some reasonably straight carrots, a few onions, and a variety of fresh fragrant herbs.

I intended to put these with a bit of beef, and took down a well-used cookery book for guidance. Three hours later, the Lord of Misty Manor came in for his supper, with none being cooked, and he looked furious when I said to him, "Sorry, I got side-tracked".

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Oinkster

"I do a good job and I know how to do this stuff" D. Trump (speaking of the POTUS job)

Posts: 3622 | From: The Keystone State | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged
jacobsen

seeker
# 14998

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"For heaven's sake," said the Lord testily, "Even if we have been run into a siding, is that a reason not to bring a picnic? Yet again there's no dinner.I'm sick of the way you play fast and loose with your responsibilities."

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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.

Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged
Nunzia

Shipmate
# 4766

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I looked at my back-up band and shrugged. Under our stage name-Captain Diligence and the Responsibilities--we did the elementary school assembly circuit, singing songs about the virtues of hard work and discipline.

Sure we sold ourselves as a character-building act to the folks who cut our checks, but let me tell you, musically we kicked ass.

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Posts: 1903 | From: Crazy-glued to the ledge | Registered: Jul 2003  |  IP: Logged
mousethief

Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953

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Indeed it was part of our stage show -- we brought out an old donkey and (pretended to) kick it. The kids loved it, although I shudder to think what it was teaching them about animal cruelty. But be that as it may, the Lord was standing over me demanding his dinner. He had transfixed me in his withering gaze.

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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...

Posts: 63536 | From: Washington | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
Amanda B. Reckondwythe

Dressed for Church
# 5521

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"And withering is not good for the skin, as any princess knows!" opined the dowager princess. If truth be told, I was so withered and wrinkled that I must have looked a million years old. "Here, try some of this," added the D.P., handing me a bottle of lotion. "One application," she continued, "and you'll have skin as soft as a baby's."

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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.

Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged
Ariel
Shipmate
# 58

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The last thing I wanted was an attack of nappy rash, so I declined the offer. In any case, I wasn't going to take advice from dead people, as everyone knows they're notoriously unreliable and chronic liars.

At that point the Acme Kitchens salesman sailed past my window again - or was he really a sailsman? - which was quite a feat, as he was on dry land. I couldn't help noticing how smart he looked; he was dressed up to the nines.

Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged



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