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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Circus: Taking it literally
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Herrick
Shipmate
# 15226
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Posted
I awoke with The Fluffy Bunnies cold nose buried in my neck. 'Why can't you find a real boyfriend?', I said.
But she wasn't asleep, and the shit hit the fan...
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A careless shoestring in whose tie
I see a wild civility
Posts: 1194 | From: NSW | Registered: Oct 2009
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Chorister
Completely Frocked
# 473
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Posted
It took me ages to clean the house after that unfortunate little episode. You wouldn't believe how far something can spread if helped on its way by the whirring blades of a cooling fan. Flyffye Bynnye was no help, of course - she was out of that house as quick as winking.
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Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.
Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001
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mousethief
Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953
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Posted
Thankfully although Winking had left, Blinking and Nod stayed behind to help with the clean-up. Fluffy Bunny helped by lifting its feet up when we had to vacuum around it. Once the house was clean the four of us set out once more, whistling and whooping to beat the band.
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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...
Posts: 63536 | From: Washington | Registered: Jul 2001
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Foaming Draught
The Low in Low Church
# 9134
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Posted
We hadn't gone far, when we encountered thirty rakish young men puffing into trombones and French horns. Every one of them was clad in brief, tight leather shorts and a t-shirt which bore the legend quote:
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but whips and chains excite me
"Thankyou, thankyou", they exclaimed in unison, "we've been waiting all day for someone to come along and thrash us". We looked at each other, and then back at the brass ensemble, addressing them "You're a few shingles short of a roof line!"
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Australians all let us ring Joyce
For she is young and free
Posts: 8661 | From: Et in Australia Ego | Registered: Feb 2005
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
They replied, in chorus, "We're roofers, and the supplies haven't arrived, so we're just having a little S&M fun to music. Come and join us!". At that point, the supplies lorry hove over the horizon, laden with tiles, and we beat a hasty retreat.
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Pearl B4 Swine
Ship's Oyster-Shucker
# 11451
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Posted
We grabbed up the thrown-down brass instruments and a garbage can lid, trotting away as fast as we could to a rat-a-tat-tat on the drum, and a badly toodled "Retreat" on the trumpet. We pawned the tuba and the French horn, spent the proceeds on a fabulous dinner plus champagne and I was soon in my own lovely bed, sawing logs.
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Oinkster
"I do a good job and I know how to do this stuff" D. Trump (speaking of the POTUS job)
Posts: 3622 | From: The Keystone State | Registered: May 2006
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mousethief
Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953
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Posted
I managed to get through half a cord before the logs ran out. I went to look for an axe to split the wood, when a knock came on the door. In fact a very strident knock. It sounded like they were trying to beat the door down.
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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...
Posts: 63536 | From: Washington | Registered: Jul 2001
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Omigod, it was the S&M brigade after their instruments. I flung on a dressing gown, hunted for the pawn tickets and handed them over with a tenner to cover redemption. A gallon or so of hot chocolate soothed their disturbed souls, and they left, considerably calmed. I sank once more into the arms of Morpheus.
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Orlando098
Shipmate
# 14930
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Posted
I soon felt calmer and reassured. Then Morpheus, to my surprise, told me that I was living inside a computer simulation and he offered me a red and a blue pill. You have to decide whether you want to stay in the illusion, or wake up in the real world, he said. Christ on a bike! I exclaimed.
Posts: 1019 | From: Nice, France | Registered: Jul 2009
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mousethief
Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953
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Posted
And that's what saved me. As our Lord and Savior rode up, I saw that his bicycle was a tandem. He invited me to climb on the back, and we pedaled out of the Matrix. He dropped me off back in front of my house, and as he rode away, I waved. I turned to go in my front door, and saw that it was locked and I had no key. "Well they say when the Lord closes a door, he opens a window," I murmured.
[ 15. November 2009, 03:35: Message edited by: mousethief ]
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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...
Posts: 63536 | From: Washington | Registered: Jul 2001
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Foaming Draught
The Low in Low Church
# 9134
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Posted
So He had, and as I clambered through it, I breathed a prayer of thanks for open windows. "That's an oxymoron!" a voice boomed from an unlocatable spot, "Windows is an evil closed system, spawned by the Son of Perdition, and will be swept away and replaced by Linux in an immanentist hypostasis of the eschaton!"
I humbly besought Him, "Ah Lord, what about all those over-mortgaged drones in Redmond, and the local businesses which they patronise?", and He answered me, "They must be born again!"
FD
Posts: 8661 | From: Et in Australia Ego | Registered: Feb 2005
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Herrick
Shipmate
# 15226
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Posted
"Born again Lord?".
" Yes born again as supporters of the Bulldogs!"
"They always give 110%"
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A careless shoestring in whose tie
I see a wild civility
Posts: 1194 | From: NSW | Registered: Oct 2009
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
I moaned in anguish. "Lord, it's ll too hard for me. Where are you when I really need you? And he replied, "My child, see those tire tracks?..... remember, Daisy, I am with you in wheel and woe."
[ 15. November 2009, 15:56: Message edited by: jacobsen ]
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Foaming Draught
The Low in Low Church
# 9134
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Posted
Tracking the Lord's grammar, I could see that He was tired, although it contradicted everything which I had been taught about His nature. "You being omniscient and all, I'd have thought that you would have known that it's 'Weal and woe'", I volunteered humbly (ish), "and has nothing to do with those round things which rotate to aid transportation".
"Hey", He retorted, "aren't I allowed a bad hair day?"
FD
Posts: 8661 | From: Et in Australia Ego | Registered: Feb 2005
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Nunzia
Shipmate
# 4766
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Posted
And just like in the good old days, He spake and it became so. As far as the eye could see, every man, woman, child, and even animal had sprouted really bad hair. The multitude shrieked with horror and humiliation and there was much weeping and combing of hair, but they found no comfort. The formerly bald, however, were walking in tall cotton.
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Posts: 1903 | From: Crazy-glued to the ledge | Registered: Jul 2003
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mousethief
Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953
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Posted
For indeed, the hair that was growing so badly and so well was not true hair, but long, whispy strands of cotton. "Oops," said the Almighty. "I guess I bollocksed that up."
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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...
Posts: 63536 | From: Washington | Registered: Jul 2001
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Foaming Draught
The Low in Low Church
# 9134
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Posted
This vindicated those of us who had become increasingly unhappy at a gender-neutral portrayal of the Divine Person/s. I shared with the Lord my happiness at this reinforcement of stereotype, but I needn't have bothered, because all hearts are open, all desires known and no secrets are hidden, and he rebuked me sternly in his wrath: quote:
Tough titties
FD
Posts: 8661 | From: Et in Australia Ego | Registered: Feb 2005
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mousethief
Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953
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Posted
He should have said "tough breasts" and really this was the worst chicken I had ever eaten. I hastily wolfed down as much as I could, paid my bill, left a meagre tip, and blew that joint.
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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...
Posts: 63536 | From: Washington | Registered: Jul 2001
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Herrick
Shipmate
# 15226
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Posted
Just after I left the Big Bad Wolf came along and blew my shack to pieces.
But one day I will return and send him to the cleaners.
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A careless shoestring in whose tie
I see a wild civility
Posts: 1194 | From: NSW | Registered: Oct 2009
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
But only if I can find a firm that does live fur. I understand that it's a specialist trade. Approaching the first backwoodsman I met on the subject, he replied " Why darlin', ya knows, it's like gettin' married - fur better or fur worse." I retreated furtivley, apalled by his lésé majesté.
[ 16. November 2009, 13:27: Message edited by: jacobsen ]
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Foaming Draught
The Low in Low Church
# 9134
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Posted
But as I stepped backwards, a burly toga-clad figure clasped my shoulders firmly and said in the sort of Latin which the Roman church doesn't use because it wouldn't know a hard c from a soft if it transubstantiated into a wet fish while they were counting their latest dosh from selling annulments, "Oi, if you can't even spell lèse majesté, don't insult the Emperor by using foreign phrases". Or an ode to that effect.
I swivelled to meet his gaze, eyed his nifty toga up and down and replied in Australian contra-influenced by too many episodes of IP TV East Enders, "Nice whistle and flute!"
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Australians all let us ring Joyce
For she is young and free
Posts: 8661 | From: Et in Australia Ego | Registered: Feb 2005
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mousethief
Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953
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Posted
Whereupon he took out a whistle and flute. "Would you like to play them?" he asked. I said yes, and played "Londonderry Air" on the whistle, and then a long selection from Mozart's second flute concerto on the flute. The betogaed character fell into a slumber, whereupon I laid down the musical instruments by his head, and beat a hasty retreat.
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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...
Posts: 63536 | From: Washington | Registered: Jul 2001
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Pearl B4 Swine
Ship's Oyster-Shucker
# 11451
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Posted
I zipped through the kitchen on my way out, and grabbed a bowl of hasty pudding and a whisk, and while I ran I beat it fast and furious, til it was light as a feather. When the toga-guy woke up, he was furious I had stolen his pudding; he really hit the ceiling.
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Oinkster
"I do a good job and I know how to do this stuff" D. Trump (speaking of the POTUS job)
Posts: 3622 | From: The Keystone State | Registered: May 2006
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mousethief
Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953
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Posted
Looking at the piece of cow's brain in my hand, I wondered how my life had become so strange. Was I in some kind of a crazy wonderland, chasing ghosts and duchesses and angels and pigs across a Monopoly board? If I get to Free Parking, will I win anything? What if somebody has a hotel on Boardwalk, will I have to mortgage St James Place?
But then brain juice started to drip onto the carpet and I figured I'd better quit my reveries and get back to the task at hand. I scraped Togaman off the ceiling and gave him the brain, instructing him to return it to the lady upstairs with my regards.
And I settled into the sofa for forty winks.
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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...
Posts: 63536 | From: Washington | Registered: Jul 2001
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Foaming Draught
The Low in Low Church
# 9134
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Posted
Unknown to our snoozing hero, Roy Rogers appeared from behind the sofa atop Trigger. The animal bobbed his head twenty times, then another twenty, and subsided back to the floor, its eyes glazed over. The cowboy explained that Trigger's oats had fermented, it was blind drunk, then pointed to the recumbent form on the sofa and said that it was all his fault. "A nod's as good as a wink to a blind horse".
FD
Posts: 8661 | From: Et in Australia Ego | Registered: Feb 2005
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Pooks
Shipmate
# 11425
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Posted
I nodded as I listened to the cowboy. So that explained why the horse was carrying a white stick in his mouth when they came in. It was to help him find his way, as well as for use when he couldn’t stand on his all fours of course. The wisdom of carrying a stick that could be used as a fifth leg immediately became apparent to me. It’s all very simple really. Now I looked at this remarkable snoring equine on the floor, who was twitching happily with an occasional smile on his face, with new awe. ‘Respect ter ya!’ I nodded to him, then added a wink for good measure as a gesture of my respect and adoration.
The cowboy Roy Rogers in the meantime was rather pleased that even without the persuasion of his gun, I was able to appreciate the nobleness of his steed. This encouraged his story telling mood because the horse had stopped listening to him a long time ago, he sat down and began again: ’Now see if you could get your head around this one…’
Posts: 1547 | Registered: May 2006
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
But, try as I might, my head remained the same size and shape, obstinately refusing to encircle or encompass RR's excessively boring tale. On and on he droned. The horse snored. My eyelids began to droop. At last it became too much for me. "Will you shut up?" I screamed. "You're doing my head in ."
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Pearl B4 Swine
Ship's Oyster-Shucker
# 11451
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Posted
Hey, I can barely keep track of what's doing in my own head, much less yours. I did try to tidy up the place though, what with Trigger being in the living room, and all. I noticed that Roy was really interested in my activity, in fact he really took a shine to me.
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Oinkster
"I do a good job and I know how to do this stuff" D. Trump (speaking of the POTUS job)
Posts: 3622 | From: The Keystone State | Registered: May 2006
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Foaming Draught
The Low in Low Church
# 9134
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Posted
He resorted to song to prove his shining love, which was unfortunate because only a couple of hours before he'd expressed much the same sentiment to Dale Evans, who, attracted by the cacophonous disturbance in the sitting room, left her bible class in the kitchen to ask if we needed any help with guitar strumming. She took in the scene straightaway, jumped to the correct conclusion and smashed her $3,000 Gibson over Roy's head. Turning to me, she mouthed "As for you, you painted Jezebel, you're just prowling around seeking whom you may devour!"
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Australians all let us ring Joyce
For she is young and free
Posts: 8661 | From: Et in Australia Ego | Registered: Feb 2005
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Pooks
Shipmate
# 11425
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Posted
Why Dale Evans would take offence over Roy singing to Jezebel’s portrait is beyond anybody‘s guess. Perhaps she was just highly strung, but she was right about the painted Jezebel.
Jezebel the tiger, although only a painted portrait stuck on the wall, was never going to let that fact get in the way of a good meal. She eyed Roy thoughtfully (who had been thoroughly tenderized by the Gibson), listened to her stomach rumble and licked her lips, then came up with a cunning plan to get to her feast. ’Help, help! I’ve been framed.’ she cried pitifully.
Posts: 1547 | Registered: May 2006
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
"Why, Maam, what you need is a sure'nuff lawyer," cried RR gallantly. I'll fetch one immedjut. Jest you wait there, and I'll be back, sure 'n sartin'." And off he went on his horse, gallopping hell for leather.
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Pearl B4 Swine
Ship's Oyster-Shucker
# 11451
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Posted
[ note: I think "Amurikans" know this expression as 'Hell-bent for leather', which is what I"m going to use.]
A LAWYER?? I moaned..no wonder you're headed straight for Hell. You'll find a great selection of them down there! Roy and Trigger took off in all directions, seeking the way to Hell, leather chaps a-flapping, hoofs a-pounding, but not making much progress; they were all at sixes and sevens.
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Oinkster
"I do a good job and I know how to do this stuff" D. Trump (speaking of the POTUS job)
Posts: 3622 | From: The Keystone State | Registered: May 2006
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Foaming Draught
The Low in Low Church
# 9134
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Posted
Arriving at a set of gates which guarded the way down a long and surprisingly pleasant drive, lined with poplars, willows and jacarandas, our hero and his equine pal were greeted by a jovial but shotgun-wielding older man who bore a striking resemblance to Dick Cheney. "Welcome to Hell, boys", the possibly-Cheney-figure hailed them, "Hear tell you have mathematically impossible die with an extra side, and that they never fall on numbers one to five, my agents on earth could use a dice like that". The attention of Roy, his steed and Cheney/Satan was suddenly drawn to a peculiar vehicle which looked like an ark on wheels, careering down the drive away from Hell toward them, bearing a motley crowd of tat-wearers who were arguing over the correct terms to enter into a satnav to convey them from the infernal regions back to Basle. "Aha", Cheney/Lucifer enlightened Roy and Trigger, "it's a Ship of Fools".
FD
Posts: 8661 | From: Et in Australia Ego | Registered: Feb 2005
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