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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: AS: Remembering those loved & lost at Christmas
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ben's mum
Apprentice
# 11853
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Posted
Hello
First attempt at starting a topic here so please move me if I'm in the wrong place...
I was wondering if any shipmates have found any helpful ways of remembering at Christmas loved ones who have died? Are there traditions from other cultures/ religions that would be useful? Anything really creative/ unusual that's been cathartic? Either alone, as a family or something including friends too?
I am coming up to the first anniversary of death of my son Sam, who died from septicaemia at the age of 3 years and 8 months on 23rd Dec 2010. He was such a happy sparkly boy, and for my 6 year old, and for the sanity of the whole family, some peaceful or creative focus, some form of expression feels important.... grief may take hold, but I will not let it defeat me.
[ 24. January 2012, 14:57: Message edited by: Gwai ]
Posts: 14 | From: devon | Registered: Sep 2006
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bib
Shipmate
# 13074
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Posted
I'm so sorry for your loss. We have found it helpful to hang baubles on our Christmas that have the names written on of those we want to remember. Anniversaries are very difficult and although it may sound trite, time does help. Be gentle with yourselves. It is ok to feel sad and to cry. I also think it helps for everybody to talk about the person who has died and to share memories. ![[Votive]](graemlins/votive.gif)
[ 04. December 2011, 21:12: Message edited by: bib ]
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"My Lord, my Life, my Way, my End, accept the praise I bring"
Posts: 1307 | From: Australia | Registered: Oct 2007
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Lothlorien
Ship's Grandma
# 4927
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Posted
Last year was first Christmas without my Mum who died a few days short of her 90 years birthday. There had always been a special wine glass called the grandma glass by my sons, which they kept replenished for her. Glass was supposed to be passed down, but it was accidentally broken this year.
So we had a bit of reminiscing and a toast. Perhaps you could recall things your son said, or games he played or just a general talk. As Bib said, it's fine to feel sad and express your feelings.
I'm sorry for your loss and first anniversaries are especially hard.
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Buy a bale. Help our Aussie rural communities and farmers. Another great cause needing support The High Country Patrol.
Posts: 9745 | From: girt by sea | Registered: Aug 2003
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comet
Snowball in Hell
# 10353
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Posted
tough one.
I don't know if this will help - I'm not always terribly good at grief, myself. Where I grew up, in Athabascan country, there is a tradition of gifts for the departed. it might especially help for the kiddo.
the belief is that in the land of the dead there is no food or material things, and no need for it. But for the recently departed, they don't know how to manage without those things and get frightened. so every day for a year after the death, family members will put together a small meal and burn it, with the idea that when it is burned the food will be transported to the land of the dead to help their loved one adjust. They will also do this with gifts on birthdays and christmas. not big expensive things, obviously, more tokens of that person's favorite things. Similarly, they will also write letters and small children draw pictures that are then burned in the fire for the departed one, so they know they are loved and remembered.
this is usually done around an outside fire with talking amongst the family and remembering the passed member. there will then be a prayer. sometimes singing. always some crying.
I hope this helps. It might also help take the shadow off christmas for your other baby. if they know their little brother has been "taken care of" perhaps they can allow themselves to enjoy the holiday themselves.
be kind to yourself, this isn't one of those things you're supposed to just cowboy up and deal with. We're all here for you. feel free to send me a PM if you need to just vent, I'm wide open.
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Evil Dragon Lady, Breaker of Men's Constitutions
"It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.” -Calvin
Posts: 17024 | From: halfway between Seduction and Peril | Registered: Sep 2005
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Uncle Pete
Loyaute me lie
# 10422
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Posted
My father and two of my brothers died in December. Obviously, they weren't children, but the pain is still real even after 43, 17, and 3 years. I cope well most of the month, but their death anniversaries and Christmas are times when I miss them dreadfully. Comet's idea is a good one, I think.
God bless you on this very difficult 1st anniversary. And feel free to cry for the loss. I still do.
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Even more so than I was before
Posts: 20466 | From: No longer where I was | Registered: Sep 2005
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Chorister
Completely Frocked
# 473
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Posted
Some churches are open every day so you can go in and light a candle - we often find parents lighting a candle for a child, but also children themselves lighting candles for those they have lost. It is a very visual symbol - and the light can stay lit as you leave the church.
Some parents find it helpful to look up at the starry sky and imagine one of the stars being the child they have lost. I certainly know of people who do this when they have suffered a miscarriage, but only you will know if it is suitable in your circumstances with an older child's feelings and wishes to take into account.
Have you asked him if he has ideas of his own as to how he'd like to remember his brother at Christmas? He might suggest something you'd never think of yourself.
Best wishes for whatever you decide to do this Christmas.
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Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.
Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001
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Eleanor Jane
Shipmate
# 13102
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Posted
My heartfelt sympathies!
This is an issue I'm facing too as my Mum died about five months ago. We always had Christmas at her place. We're going to my Aunty's house the day before then my husband's family has claimed us for Christmas and Boxing day.
I'm not looking forward to Christmas day at the in-law's place with their show-offy daughter visiting from overseas and queening over everyone and not a peep about my loss. (I normally love all my in-laws except my sister-in-law but she's normally overseas and out of my hair!).
We're not a very demonstrative family so I don't know what would be appropriate (if anything) to mark Mum's absence on Christmas Eve. Maybe a toast?
For her last birthday before she died, she got all her guests to write on a big lantern. It would be nice to light that up and watch it fly off.
I went to a bereavement group and people coped in very different ways. Some felt guilty for any joy, some had photos of the loved one all over the house, some didn't. Some planted trees, some started or contributed to charities relevant to their loved one... there are a lot of ideas, I guess it's about finding the ones that work for you.
For my birthday, I 'gave myself' a present from Mum. She'd had three fresh water pearl bracelets, obviously bought to give to myself, my aunt and sister-in-law so I gave one to myself to ease the loneliness a bit. I'll give the others for Christmas 'from Mum'.
God bless,
EJ
Posts: 556 | From: Now in the UK! | Registered: Oct 2007
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Curious
Shipmate
# 93
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Posted
Get out the photos - remember and celebrate all that you gave to him and all that he gave to you. Cry together - but also laugh and rejoice that you knew him and he knew you.
The Ship will be remembering the shock of Erin's death this Christmas time. She could bite your leg off - but we loved her ![[Tear]](graemlins/tear.gif) .
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Erin - you are missed more than you could know. Rest in peace and rise in glory - to provide unrest in the heavenly realms.
Posts: 1372 | From: Betwixt and between | Registered: May 2001
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welsh dragon
Shipmate
# 3249
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Posted
Ohhh how sad. I think as we get older Christmases get more poignant with memories of people whom we love who are no longer physically around the table. How very sad to lose such a little one just before Xmas.
I was thinking that we have a service at chrch whereby we give a toy for a child who might not otherwise have one. Do you think your older son (?Ben?) would like to choose a toy for another little child in Sam's memory, so that he could still be part of the giving of Christmas in a way, or would that just be too tear-jerking for everyone?
(hormonal mum of 3y 6 1/2 month old sniffing away at the very thought)
Posts: 5352 | From: ebay | Registered: Aug 2002
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ben's mum
Apprentice
# 11853
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Posted
I think it's true that everyone is different and also the people that support them may have different "comfort levels" when it comes to expressing emotions.
Bib- I really love the idea of the baubles at Christmas. Anything involving sticking/ gluing seems to connect with children- as does Fire!
I thought that there were some cultures that laid an empty place at the table at Christmas.... but that seems like an overwhelmingly painful thing to see throughout Christmas dinner.
Posts: 14 | From: devon | Registered: Sep 2006
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Uncle Pete
Loyaute me lie
# 10422
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Posted
Yet, the place set at the table is quite common in Hinduism. Afterwards, the meal is taken outside and left for the birds and cats and other small creatures. It never stays about long. This may not be practical in Western culture, but it works.
Don't do a place setting if that bothers you. Baubles, hand made cards and stuff like seem like good ideas. Every year at Christmas, I now give a spontaneous gift to a charity that reminds me of my loved ones. I never know when or what form that will take. It just happens. But I find it comforting, afterward.
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Even more so than I was before
Posts: 20466 | From: No longer where I was | Registered: Sep 2005
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Earwig
Pincered Beastie
# 12057
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Posted
The Foundation for the Study of Infant Deaths have a Carol Service at York Minster each year. This year's was on Sunday - I didn't go to this years, but I've been at previous services when I worked at York Minster.
As part of the service, people were invited to write the name of their child/ren on a bauble shaped tag of paper, which was hung on a Christmas tree. Seeing the tree covered in the names of children who had died was one of the most moving things I'd ever seen, and remembering their children in this way obviously meant a great deal to the parents.
So I don't have any suggestions from personal experience, but I've seen that the 'baubles' idea has helped other people.
Praying for you and your family.
Posts: 3120 | From: Yorkshire | Registered: Nov 2006
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Chorister
Completely Frocked
# 473
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Eleanor Jane:
For her last birthday before she died, she got all her guests to write on a big lantern. It would be nice to light that up and watch it fly off.
Would an appropriate alternative for a young child be a helium balloon, which could fly up into the sky when you let it go?
(We sang at a service once where a flock of doves was released into the sky - each dove representing one person who had died.)
When anyone in my family has died, I give a donation to the Woodland Trust, who plant a tree in memory of that person. They are not usually individually named (unless you particularly wish to pay for a plaque or a bench) but they do give you the name of the wood where the tree has been planted, so you can go and walk in the wood, and remember. There are certainly such woods in Devon - our trees are in a wood near Bovey Tracey.
[ 06. December 2011, 12:50: Message edited by: Chorister ]
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Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.
Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001
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Chorister
Completely Frocked
# 473
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Posted
I have just been to the 'design a snowflake' thread in the Circus, which made me wonder if your son would enjoy designing and dedicating a snowflake to his brother onthis website?
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Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.
Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001
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Marvin the Martian
Interplanetary
# 4360
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Posted
My grandmother died on Christmas Day 1998.
We tend to just raise a glass in her memory at some point.
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Hail Gallaxhar
Posts: 30100 | From: Adrift on a sea of surreality | Registered: Apr 2003
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Loquacious beachcomber
Shipmate
# 8783
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Posted
I realize that this sounds a bit naff, but one year when I helped organize a "Blue Christmas" event for people who had moved through a recent bereavement, one of the people told about putting out a bowl of humbug candies at Christmas time; when things get a little sad, she said it helped to just privately help herself to a taste of "bah humbug" and not be more open about it; others did too apparently, so I think that family may have cherished being a bit more private about their grief.
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TODAY'S SPECIAL - AND SO ARE YOU (Sign on beachfront fish & chips shop)
Posts: 5954 | From: Southeast of Wawa, between the beach and the hiking trail.. | Registered: Nov 2004
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
Some pastors need only to be asked to agree to hold a special worship service, a private prayer, or something in between. We did this for families who had loved ones die in Vietnam (and were unable to be at the funeral). If your pastor is a warmhearted human being, he might be able to help you plan something for just your family--or possibly expand the idea to help others in the parish as well.
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Chorister
Completely Frocked
# 473
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Posted
I once came across a poignant memorial out on Dartmoor - for those familiar with Letterboxing, one of the Letterboxes was dedicated to a child who had died. There were keepsakes in the box as well as the usual notepad for people to write their messages. I guess it became a special place for family and friends to visit - isolated enough for people to express grief without feeling watched.
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Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.
Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001
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ben's mum
Apprentice
# 11853
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Posted
I just wanted to share something we did today...
Thursday night is the first anniversary of loosing my son, Sam, and I really wanted to do something to remember him in a way that reflected his happy sparkly nature, bearing in mind how close it is to Christmas. So I sent invitations out to various families who either have been supportive of us or who knew Sam well, to invite them over to our house this afternoon to make stars in memory of him. We had over 40 people (half of which were under 6!) glueing, glittering, sticking and painting, making stars which we then put on our Christmas tree or have kept to take over to the churchyard (the more waterproof ones).
I'm now really, really tired, and have paint and glitter that won't come off the carpet- but it was so nice to see smiles and hear happy recollections of Sam. Now everyone has gone, looking at those slightly sticky, wobbly stars hanging on our Christmas tree is a reminder of something beautiful in the world, and a reminder of someone who was and will always be beautiful.
Posts: 14 | From: devon | Registered: Sep 2006
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Zacchaeus
Shipmate
# 14454
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Posted
What a wonderfully positive and creative thing to do.
God blessxx
Posts: 1905 | From: the back of beyond | Registered: Jan 2009
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Enigma
Enigma
# 16158
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by ben's mum:
I just wanted to share something we did today...
Thursday night is the first anniversary of loosing my son, Sam, and I really wanted to do something to remember him in a way that reflected his happy sparkly nature, bearing in mind how close it is to Christmas. So I sent invitations out to various families who either have been supportive of us or who knew Sam well, to invite them over to our house this afternoon to make stars in memory of him. We had over 40 people (half of which were under 6!) glueing, glittering, sticking and painting, making stars which we then put on our Christmas tree or have kept to take over to the churchyard (the more waterproof ones).
I'm now really, really tired, and have paint and glitter that won't come off the carpet- but it was so nice to see smiles and hear happy recollections of Sam. Now everyone has gone, looking at those slightly sticky, wobbly stars hanging on our Christmas tree is a reminder of something beautiful in the world, and a reminder of someone who was and will always be beautiful.
That is absolutely fabulous and is a step to bringing joy out of grief. Praying for you all this Christmas. I know how hard it is to lose loved ones around Christmas. So far the count is 2 grandparents an uncle and an auntie all from 18th - 29th December (and including Christmas day). To lose a son though is something else again so prayers for peace for you all as you continue to come to terms with not being with Sam for a bit.
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Who knows? Only God!
Posts: 856 | From: Wales | Registered: Jan 2011
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Campbellite
Ut unum sint
# 1202
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Posted
I have occasionally led a Blue Christmas* service on the Monday before Christmas which acknowledges loss and grief during the holiday season.
*scroll down to the Blue Christmas section
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I upped mine. Up yours.
Suffering for Jesus since 1966.
WTFWED?
Posts: 12001 | From: between keyboard and chair | Registered: Aug 2001
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