All urges, Sibling Sarkycow, are from the Lord. He's the one who made us, after all.
Though some are sent as temptations to resist, some are just his way of telling you to have a good time, and some are temptations to succumb to so that he can justly damn you, because you're a godless reprobate.
How can you tell the difference? See where you sent on the day of judgment.

Sorry if that's not much help, but I've just spent an appallingly depressing evening listening to the music group's dress rehearsal of Ezekiel!, and in the circumstances it's better than you deserve.

is this the end of civilisation as we know it?????

is there anything i can do? would my ministry of violence towards church groups help in this situation? you only have to ask, and i will do your will, as your will is invariably god's will

please return to your usual pompous, self-righteous, rude and overbearing self,

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Originally posted by tomb:
tomb just had a stroke from laughing so hard.

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Originally posted by RuthW:
Time for The Rev's healing ministry, then. What I would pay to watch The Rev lay hands on tomb ...

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tomb is pleased to report that he has almost completely recovered from the stroke. Only the hair on the right side of his head is still numb. Not that all the gin in California would persuade tomb to put himself under the ministrations of that fish emesis spewer.

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by the Coot
Continuing in my fallen state - I am wondering of what tomb had a stroke

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Certainly not the correct placement of prepositions.

All I can say, dear Coot, is that this is precisely WHY I stopped praying with my husband in the mornings.

I had to protect a family from a huge 8 foot high Pink, Fuzzy, Furry Demon, they had tried to tell it to leave their house, but im my dream, it was only when I invoked the name of Jesus that it fled from their premises.
Unfortunately when someone left the house to visit the petrol station over the road to but coke and chocolate at night the Demon appeared again and chased them.
I then discovered that the Pink, Fuzzy, Furry Demon lived next door in a very dark weird house, which was only a door width wide, and had orange walls inside. I am pretty sure I finnally banished the Pink, Fuzzy, Furry Demon using the name of Jesus.
Reverend, what does this mean?

Three possibilities:

• It's a prophecy. Has it happened yet? Is there a very dark narrow weird house with orange walls next door? If not it probably isn't. (Though it may not be fulfilled till the end times, which according to my escgatological sliderule are still several months off.)
  
• It's an apocalyptic vision. This means all the details are deeply symbolic. Obviously the pink demon represents Osama bin Laden, but when it comes down to it, it'll just be saying that God's in control and he has a very special plan for everyone.
  
• You should reconsider what you eat/drink/inhale before going to bed.

Beatitudinous anointment upon you, Sibling Ultraspike! For this is by no means pointless tat, but profoundly worthwhile and vitally important tat.
It is a joy to receive testimony from one whose spirit is so in tune with the Spirit.

For verily the truly anointed path is that which unites the Spirit and the Rite.

O, that those who kiss the sacred page would also raise holy hands in liturgical ecstacy.
That those who roll their eyes in prophetic abandon might stagger also under the influence of that Ol' Romanian Incense.

Let those who kneel to the Blessed Virgin keel over under the touch.
And let those who exorcise their household pets do so in the right maniple for that date.

O ye dispersèd congregations of the lost sheep of the house of Zion! Will ye not turn again and come together to be united as one in these two equally important sides of the coin of sacred silliness.

If we're talking about the same person, your fears are quite groundless. You might as well worry about the Atlantic Ocean getting wet. (Or any other major body of water for that matter.)

What advice can you offer that his soul may remain pure?

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Originally posted by Rev Gerald Ambulance:

For verily the truly anointed path is that which unites the Spirit and the Rite.

O, that those who kiss the sacred page would also raise holy hands in liturgical ecstacy.
That those who roll their eyes in prophetic abandon might stagger also under the influence of that Ol' Romanian Incense.

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Thank thee, O fount of blessed wisdom! Your words have flipped the switch and I have seen the Light! Glory Hallelujah! I'm almost ready to come out of the pentecostal closet, but must proceed cautiously. I still worry about forgetting where I am, and fear that I may be unable to restrain myself someday in the middle of Solemn Mass. I can just see myself mistaking the thurible for a burning bush and then twirling like a dervish in an uncontrollable ecstasy while prophesying in a strange tongue, as the rector stares in stony astonishment and horror...

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I believe I have been given the gift of speaking in the tounges of Angels, but I can only exersise the gift after many pints of beer, some in my church think it is not of God, how can i re-assure them?

Starbelly
Is lateness a sin?

Dear Most Reverend Uncle Gerald.

There are some in our midst who feel you are becoming burdened with the overwhelming needs of your parishioners here on this site.

We believe it is right that we seek the Lord for a helper suitable for you. Maybe a wife, or perhaps seven deacons to help in the daily administration of answers. Or seven wives maybe.

We have someone in mind actually. We'll ask her if you like. Could you make 7.15 at the Odeon in Lewisham?

I am much surprised that he hasn't made an appearance - on missionary pretences of course - to the Swear Box...

Coming to think of it, he doesn't move around much, does he? Maybe those head to head photos tonight, ultraspike and bb, will be more than boring. What we want to see is some action!!!

Bother! There goes one excuse for why Gezzabelle only visits here in fits and starts! And why when he does visit, he leaves us all hanging, answering some requests and leaving others to languish.

Come on Gezza, is your refusal to deal with Coot's problems (and mine) promptly an indication that you have a problem with ministry to those of us who live Down Under?

Your question does not make sense to me, Brother Ferret. Why on earth would you have non-churchgoers in your house?
It's bad enough when you can't walk to the bus stop without them polluting you with their unbiblical clothing and worldly lifestyles.
But at least your home can be a haven of spiritual isolation, where you can put the Tim Splendid Worship Trio's Let Me Be A Living Mountain on the CD player, light a Holy Martyrs Burn Again candle (£19.99 for a set of 12 from RGA Ministries), and fill the air with Get the Hell Out Here exorspray (£6.99 from all good spiritual armament suppliers), relaxing in the knowledge that neither the world nor the devil and not much in the way of flesh can get to you.

Ah Sibling Gill, much as your well-intentioned temptations are appreciated, I have to say your remarks show that you have never known the blessing of ministering unto these unclothed heathen with the love that surpasses all love!

Ah, to see them open up and recieve!
Oh, to bring them to the point of surrender, and see all that is of the flesh melting away!
Oh, I say, and again, ah! Thrice times ah, and thrice times oh!

Excuse me, I'm going to go and have a little lie down.

Would an avian-human relationship be considered abomination? I only ask because I want to remain unblemished between now and the time I am offered for sacrifice.

Sibling Bird, the sacred page most clearly tells us:"Neither shalt thou lie with any beast to defile thyself therewith: neither shall any woman stand before a beast to lie down thereto: it is confusion."

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The other day, my past Rector spoke on prayer. He said that the first thing he does when he wakes in the morning is to hold hands with his wife and pray together. I found myself needing to know whether he scratches his testicles before or after holding hands, and whether he prays with a morning stiffie

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Ambulance this is an SOS. I neither have a wife to hold hands with, nor testicles to scratch, nor do I get morning stiffies.

Are those three things essential for a healthy prayer life?

If so will you lay hands on me that I may grow testicles to scratch and develop stiffies etc.

And I really don't want a wife as I am female but if I have to have one to please the Lord well please help. I am terribly confused.

My colleague at work is trying to educate me to talk the language 'of the street' so that I am more 'of the moment'.

He recommends that when attempting to lead an act of worship I inspire the congregation with phrases such as

'make some noise in the house'

and liturgical responses such as

leader: respect to you
all: 'nuff said.

finally he suggests that to curry favour with my father in Christ, rather than kissing his ring I should know attempts slogans such as

'Big up the Bishop'

he assures me this isn't rude, but I am everso concerned about the whole business of 'big-upping' (if such a verbal construction really does exist).

All our liturgy now needs to be put through a translatorwith results such as:

Almighty God, to whom all hearts is open, all desires is known, cleanse da thoughts hof our hearts by da inspiration hof your Holy Spirit dat we may perfectly dig me Uncle Jamal hand worthily magnify your holy name, through Christ our Lord, Amen.

Does this really engendered 'respect in the house' ?

I eagerly await further directions (upwards, or downwards).

Late but never a Quartet[

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May I approach your fragrant feet in an attitude of humble reverence?

I see that on the Deadly Sins (Revised Ship Version) you have been so gracious as to inform us:

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6. Posting photographs of innocent shipmates in an advanced state of vunerability and knowing no shame - even if they were of the shipmate in question which they verily weren't.

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May I confess that my esteem and admiration for you has magnified greatly at this revelation.

That, even though the photograph is not of you, if it were, you would be unashamed to be vulnerable.

<bows very low>

Where is that list?!?!

Heh heh heh...

Well, whichever Coot you are today, let me put your mind at rest. If this minister is a true man of God, he will have complete dominion over the flesh, which comes with the anointing. He will not be subject to the rebellion of the flesh to which you refer; and he will have long forgotten that he has any Beelzebub's baubles, let alone be tempted to scratch them.

However, I note with alarm that this so-called "Rector" is so won over by worldly ways that he dares to enter through the veil in fleshly contact with a female of the contrary gender! So man of God he ain't. Just be thankful he is no longer recting you.

Do you think he is to blame for placing a stumbling block in my path by sharing this personal information that preys on my weak conscience?

Oh yes. Let him go forth under a deep sense of condemnation and judgment.

Is it appropriate to seek deliverance from these thoughts, and what if any penance should be done?

Well, penance, yes, of couse. 10 "Abba, Father"s and 10 "Shine Jesus Shine"s should cover it.

But the problem is a much deeper one, Beloved Coot. Let us see if we can nail it.
Where are these impure thoughts coming from? Those little demons are getting through somehow. You need to examine your lifestyle.
Do you watch television other than the news and under-5s programming?
Do you listen to secular music with provocative beats and lyrics about profane feelings?
Could it be that some of your friends are unsaved?
Forgive me making such shocking aspersions about your lifestyle, but these are the most obvious entry points for enemy infiltration.

If the answer is "no" to all these, then we will need to look for more subtle weak points. If "yes", then some changes are in order.

I do not know whether I am in the thrall of sin or not.

Have a guess.

Err, not so far as I am aware. But then I buy all my groceries from The Rev Gerald Ambulance Sanctified Supermarket, where every product is baked, picked, packed, by truly born-of-the-blood believers, to avoid pollution.

(Coot - this is the kind of thing I meant by more subtle purity strategies. The value of such things as paschal lamb chops and immaculate conception olive oil cannot be overstated.)

btw - who is St. Ursula patron saint of?

Excellent question.

St Ursula was a 7th century nobleman's daughter who was betrothed to be married to the Duke of La Spezia. But so devoted was she to holy purity that she ran away to escape the defilement of the marriage bed, and hid in an Alpine nunnery. As an added precaution she miraculously sprouted a beard and all other fleshly tokens of masculinity.
While she was at the nunnery, the sisters experienced wondrous healings, marvellous provisions, and an unparallelled level of parthenogenesis.
However when a local reforming abbot was apprised of her outward form he had her martyred, and it was only when stories of her miraculous life came to light that her true sanctity and gender were realised by many.

Ursula is patron saint of celibacy, beards and transexuals.

Ambulance this is an SOS. I neither have a wife to hold hands with, nor testicles to scratch, nor do I get morning stiffies.
Are those three things essential for a healthy prayer life?
If so will you lay hands on me that I may grow testicles to scratch and develop stiffies etc.

The question is not what we men find acceptable, O Sibling Wibble, but what is commanded by the Lord.
And what has the Lord said in his word?

"He shall shave all his hair off his head and his beard and his eyebrows, even all his hair he shall shave off." Leviticus 14:9

During this interregnum, please feel free to keep this thread alive by ministering unto each others needs, organising an ecclesiastical coup, or posting your tops tips for ministers and other suggestions for the anointed paperback.

In the unlikely event of any of your contributions being printable, you will of course receive special ackowledgement in the hallowed pages, and absolutely no money whatsoever.

Yours in the fleecing of the lambs of the Lord.

The board is sadly lacking in trans-species perspectives.

I have every confidence that the Coot will not lay an egg (so to speak) in this ministry, and if she does, we can all have an omlette.

Not in favour?

The Ayes have it.

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My colleague at work is trying to educate me to talk the language 'of the street' so that I am more 'of the moment'.

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Still. If your colleague is of higher rank, you should submit to godly authority and try to crank out something street-like (even if you do look like a complete dick). But that translata you got sux0rs big time d00d - you'll h4ve more success with this one.

Almighty God, to 'oom all 'earts are open, right, all desires are known, right, tidyse the bleedin' ffoughts of us hearts by the inspiration of yor 'oly Spirit that we may perfectly luv yer and worffily magnify yor 'oly name, ffrough Christ us Lord, Amen.

Izzat how English people talk, ay?

And yer. It's orright to big up the Bishop, as long as ya exclaim: 'Here's the Bishop. We're gunna big him up large by genuflecting, and he's gunna bless us as he walks by'. Timeless ritual should not be sacrificed whilst whoring after the yoof market.

See. I bet youse weren't expecting this sorta serious advice from The Coot.

I am enamoured of, nay deeply and desperately lustful after, a certain very cute young Clerk of St. Paul's Cathedral. Seeing her read from Holy Writ verily did make my jaw drop. But there is a problem (well, several actually). I do not know the young woman's name, nor where she lives, so I cannot send her bunches of roses "from an admirer" nor in other ways stalk her. My only hope is to frequent the cathedral like a lost soul in the hope of seeing her - but then comes the problem, what should I say? How does one chat up a Cathedral Clerk? And is it a sin so to lust after one?

Yours, waiting expectantly for the wisdom that doth fall, dew-like, from your lips,

Ya know. I don't wanna hog the help-dispensing line, but I think I have a special anointing for these sort of non-standard lust problems.

I am enamoured of, nay deeply and desperately lustful after, a certain very cute young Clerk of St. Paul's Cathedral. Seeing her read from Holy Writ verily did make my jaw drop.

Yer. I know what ya mean. Gets ya right here (thumps stomach Oof!), ay?

But there is a problem (well, several actually). I do not know the young woman's name, nor where she lives, so I cannot send her bunches of roses "from an admirer" nor in other ways stalk her. My only hope is to frequent the cathedral like a lost soul in the hope of seeing her - but then comes the problem, what should I say? How does one chat up a Cathedral Clerk? And is it a sin so to lust after one?

Well. Before ya go off in a half-cocked swoon, it's important to seek the mind of the Lord on the matter. The thing to do, is randomly open the bible and point to a verse. In this instance, tape up Leviticus and Paul's letters. And if ya can swing it, try to have it fall open at those bits in 1 Samuel about David and Jonathon.

Now. Once you know that the Lord's blessing is upon your pursuit of the Clerk, proceed with Plan A. Namely, disguise yourself as a Mystery Worshipper and hang out at the Cathedral, that way, it will not be untoward when you ask the names of 'The Cast'. Afterwards, deviate from standard Mystery Worshipper practice, and instead of looking lost at after service coffee, make a bee-line for the Clerk. As far as the actual chatting up. Well. I've never been too good with pick-up lines. For starters try 'I really liked the way you said: Here endeth the lesson. Would you care to join me in the next sadly-outdated courtship ritual?'

If this doesn't work, get back to me and we'll devise Plan B.