Sibling Coot, I shall try your blessed chat-up line. Would you also confer your blessing on the line "would you like to see my tabernacle"?

There are 2 problems with this line. Firstly, it is unwise to assail the Object of Adoration with deep sexual imagery on a first encounter, so avoid talk of tabernacles and such. Secondly, the 'tabernacle' may be misconstrued as the 'Mormon Tabernacle Choir', and likewise, any suggestion of group-type things in the same breathe as 'hello' will leave you standing in the eddies of vestments fleeing in the other direction, with nothing more tangible than a hint of Prinknash Basilica on the wind.

And in case ya haven't noticed I'm kinda fairly classy. The circumspect approach is sometimes best.

Last night, my other half (Eggs Benedict), expressed strong suspicion that I was in love with my PC. (This is wildly incorrect - the actual emotion is resigned loathing.)

What should I do about this?

Gratefully,

(if this is the right way to address one so wise and revered and learned and whatnot?)

i have a problem. well several actually, but i'll confine myself to the most urgent. my only internet access is at uni, in a large room surrounded by others. they look at me strangely when i log on to ship of fools, and when i start laughing at the posts, the other people get up and walk out. the Voices tell me they're just jealous, but verily is it affecting my friendships and social life. what should i do?

yours in eternal hope,

I have inquired of the Lord whether it might be that you and Eggs Benedict are unequally yolked (arr arr arr) but this does not appear to be the case.

The problem appears to be twofold: a relational one between you and Sibling Ova, and a relational one between you and your computer.

Last night, my other half (Eggs Benedict), expressed strong suspicion that I was in love with my PC.

It is important to reassure Sibling Ova that she and your progeny are far more important than your PC. To this end, stick photos of her and the Scramblings around the monitor. To further convey the significance of the PC as merely a devotional accoutrement, you may wish to place a Little Glow Mary* on top as well. It should not be necessary to kneel in front of the keyboard or flagellate yourself with the mouse cord. But keep these in mind.

... the actual emotion is resigned loathing

Sibling Ham, do not let the sun go down on your anger or harbour murder in your heart. I may be accused of liberalism but I would counsel that to be on the safe side, we should extend our love of the Lord's most glorious creations to the creations of the creations as well.

Thankyou Lord. Amen.

quote:

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Originally posted by The Non-Adjectival Coot:
Sibling Joan,
Would you also confer your blessing on the line "would you like to see my tabernacle"?

There are 2 problems with this line. Firstly, it is unwise to assail the Object of Adoration with deep sexual imagery on a first encounter, so avoid talk of tabernacles and such.

---

But... but... I only wanted to show her the mini-tabernacle my Godmother gave me which I have on my mantlepiece... Dear Sibling Coot, is this a Sexual Image and should I therefore tear it down and disown my Godmother as a Whore of Babylon?

dear sibling coot,
(if this is the right way to address one so wise and revered and learned and whatnot?)

I am but a dust bunny among dust bunnies in a forgotten corner of the kitchen of Creation. Rev called me 'Sibling Bird' once and I was very honoured. Preen. But ackshully. I'm not supposed to be takin' over tha column. This is a joint ministry with other anointed shipmates who feel moved to respond as the Spirit leads them. And neway. Mr Ambulance would be cross ya know.

Bugger. I've strayed off persona again. {RGA Ministry-O-Scope 'Make Friends and Convert People' Tracts $2.00 per 100}.

Rejoice in your persecution, Sibling Cow! Remember we are called to be in the world, but not of it.

i have a problem. well several actually, but i'll confine myself to the most urgent. my only internet access is at uni, in a large room surrounded by others. they look at me strangely when i log on to ship of fools, and when i start laughing at the posts, the other people get up and walk out. the Voices tell me they're just jealous, but verily is it affecting my friendships and social life.

Be doubly-blessed Sibling Cow of Sarcasm! It appears you are experiencing a Toronto-type blessing, and it may even be that this morsel of social isolation is the glorious call to a life of contemplation in a Closed Order. See what pans out.

I only wanted to show her the mini-tabernacle my Godmother gave me which I have on my mantlepiece... is this a Sexual Image and should I therefore tear it down and disown my Godmother as a Whore of Babylon?

By no means should you tear down a receptacle of repose of the Blessed Sacrament! Especially. Like. If it does really exist and isn't some smutty pervo allusion.

Re: yer Godgranny. We are treasures in jars of clay. And givers of classy tat are to be treasured. Even if she is a skanky old tart that looks like she's on the game.

The Lord hath provided a name. All I can say is. I wish I bloody lived in England.

quote:

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Originally posted by The Jaded Coot:
And yer. It's orright to big up the Bishop, as long as ya exclaim: 'Here's the Bishop. We're gunna big him up large by genuflecting, and he's gunna bless us as he walks by'. Timeless ritual should not be sacrificed whilst whoring after the yoof market.

See. I bet youse weren't expecting this sorta serious advice from The Coot.

---

My dearest darling, oops sorry I mean, my highly esteemed prize Coot,

blessings have fallen upon me since receiving your esteemed advice.

However I still feel a little 'wet behind the ears' when it comes to 'whoring after the yoof market'.

I wondered if you had any further advice on me becoming any less wet.

kindest and most humble (not forgetting grovelling) regards

Coot - sexual allusions? What are you talking about? *wanders away whistling innocently*

I have finally found a picture of the wonderful Rev. She's got a different hairstyle now and looks even cuter than in this picture, but it does give you some idea why I'm raving about her NB I do like the "small weapon of mass destruction" (although I thought the latter was when the Host exploded?).

I had a dream about her (a very strange one, considering I only saw the 1st and 3rd episodes of the documentary). I was in St Pauls with the organist from St Mary's (David), for a service of "Blessing of the Incense" (!!!!!!!). In this service I dreamt the Dean and co said various prayers over patens loaded with incense. The incense then was thrown into the air, all throughout the cathedral, and part of the ceremony was that participants had to get down on their hands and knees and pick up the grains of incense that had fallen.

I ended up near the high altar for some reason, and, pausing in the midst of what I was doing, saw the Canon sitting on a chair holding the vestry door open (I think this bit was pretty much related more to the layout of St Andrew's here in Sydney, cause the vestry there used to come off the sanctuary, through the side chapel - before the whole thing was turned around to face east again, in 1999-2000).

Or how about making the tea and coffee with holy water?

quote:

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Originally posted by babybear:
I'm sure thta would not be a problem for the Worshipful, Reverend Mayor Ambulance. He could just holy-fy each kettleful as needed.

---

I was feeling that this thread has been looking decidedly, um, shall we say, limp since RGA's departure.

I notice his amenuensis has been posting around the place, and was wondering if he is ever going to reassume the cloak of charity... Not that you are not doing a sterling job filling in, but you, my dear bird, are, um, another sibling, whereas he is the, um, Rev.

Just wondering.

A colleague of mine has a problem. He announced to his flock that he was going on a mere 3 month sabbatical until the nativitous season, only to find by the end of the first month that his wayward and rebellious flock were starting to put impertinent questions about his return to his remarkably anointed curate.

What disciplinary measures would you suggest his curate to use?
A gentle rebuke?
A penitentiary spell on the Sunday School rota?
Or everlasting damnation? (The middle course.)

is the curate as remarkably anointed as your colleague? if so, could the curate not simply take over for your colleague, permanently like? this would free your colleague up to spend all his/her time writing their book, and possibly advising you on the best way to deal with us reporbates!!! :P

Testing out new ways of whoring after the yoof market in order to assist Sibling Late has meant I 'aven't looked at the thread a while. Unfortunately, I was not able to approach the yoof with any degree of success - they fled. I was wearing the Special Attract-A-Sinner crocheted bikini {RGA Ministeries $30.00, one size fits all}. Mayhap the yoof I targetted were all pure-of-heart.

Anointings upon you fellow Siblings. And remember, we are charged to minister to each other until the return of Rev Gerald. I know the Holy Spirit just wants you to step out of your fear and come into a closer relationship with Jesus.

I notice his amenuensis has been posting around the place, and was wondering if he is ever going to reassume the cloak of charity... Not that you are not doing a sterling job filling in, but you, my dear bird, are, um, another sibling, whereas he is the, um, Rev.
No one knows the day nor the hour, dear Sibling. 'Cept 'e did say sumpfin about the Nativitous Season. Yer. I know. Sucks bein' succoured by the 2-I-C.

What disciplinary measures would you suggest his curate to use?

I'm not worthy to untie your thong so the discipline oughta come from you. But I think you could do what the Lord did and not go up in to their midst. And when you do. Just show them your back parts.

i am possessed by a spirit of lust.

i lust after a decent cup of coffee. i need coffee. i crave starbucks. i lie awake at night dreaming about it. tasting it. touching it to my lips with my tongue. caressing the cup. inhaling it's rich aroma. it's all i can think about. all i can dream about. i can't work, can't concentrate. when someone walks past me with a cup, my stomach flips. even if it's an inferior brand.

and yet i am but a poor student. i can't afford coffee, let alone decent coffee.

what can i do? help me with my problem please.

i am possessed by a spirit of lust.
i lust after a decent cup of coffee. i need coffee. i crave starbucks. i lie awake at night dreaming about it. tasting it. touching it to my lips with my tongue. caressing the cup. inhaling it's rich aroma. it's all i can think about. all i can dream about. i can't work, can't concentrate. when someone walks past me with a cup, my stomach flips. even if it's an inferior brand.

Coffee is ok (Plymouth Brethren excepted), with the proviso that you should be getting more jollies out of the Lord than you are out of a cup of coffee. Little Calfling, unless you are using superglue to create a graven image out of coffee beans, do not fear. Your soul will be in danger only if you bend the knee in the House of Maxwell.

And to your second problem:
and yet i am but a poor student. i can't afford coffee, let alone decent coffee. what can i do?

It is the duty of the Church to equip the Saints for ministry and send them out to preach the Good News. The Lord knows it's hard to preach Good News when you're cranky from coffee withdrawal, so may I suggest perusing the Mystery Worshipper Reports until you find a place with the classy stuff and then getting into some hard-core attendance.

Two nasty probs... Firstly, this coming Thursday, the woman I mentioned sometime ago is making a comeback to the choir. As she really irritates me, this is not a good prospect. What to do? Should I lace her dinner with arsenic powder? Or does someone know how I can acquire some anthrax? Or do you think throttling her in the dark behind a tree is the best way to go?

The Lord provides deep pools of purity to aid us in combatting lust problems. And as I wallowed in one such jacoozie (in the Scandanavian style complete with nearby hot rocks for the pouring over of ladles of water) a word of Knowledge came to me.

I believe the solution to your lust problem may be inextricably entwined with the case of the parish-bound curate you mentioned in your post on the thread regarding His Grace, the Archbishop of Sydney. As you know, it is better to marry than burn aflame with passion. These circumstances afford the opportunity for the benefaction of all concerned. In order to effect a matrimonious situation and engage the potential Anti-Christ (75:1) in spiritual warfare, you may like to suggest that the gentleman in question immolate his celibacy on the altar of self-sacrifice in the interests of continued provision of spikey clergy to your parish.

And I'd just like to. You know. Convict the other siblings to come forward and testify to the Lord's grace with respect to your first problem. (Something out of the Old Testament involving ram's horns and marching around the choir loft 7 times while only she is in it might help).

I don't want to hog this advice-giving. No, especially not whilst suffering from heat-induced instability.

Where was I?

I was wondering whether the Rev Gerald had checked out "Argh! My apartment smells like a urinal cake" and the "What is Sex" threads... I feel he may have had some valuable insights to make in both fields...

Splat in the middle of my head.

great way to start teh day.

Sibling Nunc,
I'm still getting over your comment about dole bludgers, and I believe it affected me in a calvinistic predestined way in regard to your problem of 'I feel like a rabbit right now'. You see, I was driving in the country today en route to some spiritual direction when I did happen upon a dead rabbit. A flash, obviously a Word of Knowledge, made me want to stop and pick it up. Rabbits are tasty little rodents you know. But then my rebellious, worldly spirit rejected this gift of divine providence on the grounds that it was a hot day and the rabbit was starting to putrefy I suspect. I think you should accept this as the Lord's punishment. He giveth and He taketh away, after all.

great way to start teh day.

Sibling of many, varied and interesting personal problems, how I long to gather you under my wings as a Mother Coot does with her Cootlings. Except a course that I got zero maternal instinct. So. Uh. Sucks to be you.

He is to be found here masquerading as the Reverend Spooner.

Is he also masquerading as the Rev. Blair of St. Albions in Private Eye every month. If so, he has undergone a wicked transformation.

here

I approach your wisdom, not as a hellhost who suffers your continued existence on this thread based on a sliding-scale tithe table (which, by the way, you have not seen fit to acknowledge for some time now. But Be That As It May) but as a supplicant in need of Enlightenment.

I have been Stupefied by the advertisment running at the top of the Ship of Fools website for the Christian Connection (surely a misspelling, don't you think? An organization like this surely needs an "x" in its name).

Now, inasmuch as I serve as a hellhost at the pleasure of Simon, I have been unwilling to take my question to Him. But you seem Wise Beyond Your Years (I did a web search and have counted them). Consequently, I decided to Ask You.

What is this "New Way of Doing An Old Thing?" I really fancy the Old Way of Doing Things. And I really really like my Old Thing.

Do you really think that I should throw this all over (as it were) for the sake of modernity? Does this organization have Things That I Need?

I am in an Agony of Doubt over this issue, but Trust that you will have the Answers to my Questions.

Do not let your heart be troubled!

I have studied the advertisement and I (I, not the Lord - but you make take my analysis as trustworthy) believe you have nothing to fear.

'It's a new way of doing an old thing' actually refers to novel modes of carnality having as their target senior citizens - personal services to Nursing Homes, if you like.

what is the proper christian way to turn down a party invitation from a member of my church? i have been invited to three new year's eve parties and can only attend one. so how do i let the other two down?

thanks in advance,

I am hoping that the Rev (or The Coot) will be able to advise me as to the best way that a good Christian woman can spend New Year's Eve. May I attend the hottest party to which I am invited? Or should I stay at home and watch Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve? If I go out, what should I wear?

Sibling Ruth, blessings upon you, for not many consider how to make their conversation acceptable to the Lord on 31st December! As for what a good Christian woman should be doing on New Year's Eve, she should keep in mind that the next day is the Feast of the Circumcision of Our Lord and of Basil the Great. Therefore she should equip herself with a mantilla and a dress and go in search of a vigil to attend. The Episcopalian tradition is unlikely to put out, therefore she should check the local Orthodox shrines (excluding the Russians who do everything 13 days later). Following the vigil she will then be free to celebrate the aforementioned feasts at the hottest party to which she is invited. Mantilla and dress may be dispensed with, and in the event of non-christian hosts, precede the festivities with the silent prayer: 'Soli Deo Gloria'.

Please be advised that the Rev's Reformed High Pentecostal tradition may entail the further stipulation that hot party attendance may only be undertaken if it is viewed as an act of evangelism to the heathen in Macedonia.

what is the proper christian way to turn down a party invitation from a member of my church? i have been invited to three new year's eve parties and can only attend one. so how do i let the other two down?

Sibling Cow of Sarcasm,
Have you been with me all this time and still do not understand the basics of brutal honesty, obscene frankness, all done with love of course, that the Way demands?

Rejecting an invitation by non-christians:
'I am keeping myself unstained by the world and do not want to blemish myself by attending your disgusting party'.

Rejecting the invitation of your church member:
'Thankyou. It's kind of you to ask me. But I won't be able to make it'.

Do remember that parties are extrusions of Satan's pudendal appendages unless they are celebrations on feast days appointed by the Church.

[tidied UBB - was missing appendages]