quote:

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Originally posted by Rev Gerald Ambulance:
Ultraspike
Anyone who despises cats is definitely a heretick.

I think you'll find, oh thou wavering Qedeshah, that the word 'cat' does not appear once in the Scriptures - whereas cats played in important part in the demonic polytheism of Ancient Eqypt.

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Well, this is just petty, isn't it? It is clear that a man has spirit of disunity if he can turn so nasty against his beloved siblings in the Lord over a mere issue of punc. crit. - especially when he has been clearly shown the damnable error of his opinion.

Although I am sure he is correct, could you please explain why you disagree with him so violently (so violently, in fact, that it is alleged that you shoved a guitar down his throat during a praise session at Abundent Harvest Time 1984)?

Ah yes, it's all coming back to me now.

Look, this incident has been grossly misrepresented to you. (I wonder who could have done that.) For a start it was a ukelele, which is significantly smaller than a guitar. What's more it is ludicrous to imagine that even a ukelele could be 'shoved down someone's throat'. What I actually did was to break it into pieces and make him eat them.

And might I also explain that what impelled me, justly and in love, to such disciplinary measures, was not so much the punctuational heresy itself, as his insistence whenever there was a lull in the worship to pipe up with his execrable hymnological micturation, 'The Lord Our God':

The Lord our God is pure and whole.
On his nose there is no mole.
On his grace there is no toll.
On his rule there is no poll.
On the end of Zechariah chapter 24 and verse 2 there is no semi-col-
On.

Ch. La la la la la la la la. Oi!

Your reply - nay, your failure to response to the direct question - merely confirms what I had heard about from other sources, that you are possessed of the spirit of evasion and have been sorely deceived by the father of lies.

Brothers and sisters, I urge you to join me in casting out this vile malevolance! Place your hands on your monitor screens and pray with me now!

Sibling Dyfrig, The Revd Mr Ambulance gave me the verge for heathen of your ilk (But much classier than that photo. Like. Think of the Speaker's Black Rod. Or whatever. You know what I mean). And he gave me the authority to use it. I have no other choice but to clock you on the scone with it.

-Clock!-

I...have a quandary

(Dramatic music)
Dun Dun DUUUUN
(/Dramatic music)

I regularly attend the Evening Praise service at a church because a friend of mine (who used to be the verger) persuaded me it was a "Mecca" (as it were) for what he described as "fit chicks". Of these, most are married and the one I dated and I have since parted ways, amicably but still parted.

Have you any ideas on how to persuade more single "fit chicks" to attend our Evening service?

Yours in antici...

I have studied your threads in great detail (and very dapper they look too!), and have a couple of questions to tax your wisdom (or at least get me a 5% commission on it!).

Where did you get that silly name?
and,
less profound than questions of your origins (or legitimacy):
I despise my flatmate, and desire to beat her to death with her collection of nicky gumbel books. Is there a more biblical way of slaying a fellow christian, or at least a more painful one?
Yours insincerely,

Ok, people. Stop casting demons out of each other, please.

In the first place, it causes a mess. You have all these homeless demons scuttling around leaving slime trails or burn marks everywhere, and before you know it, the HTML code of the Ship is all cacked up and the Ship's clock goes weird, and there are twelve posts in the Styx pointing this fact out the the Administrators who *already* know it.

In the second place, it disturbs the neighbors. The nasty little things (i.e. the demons, not the neighbors) are sure to get out and infect some other board, and before you know it, the hellhosts have three or four weird-ass threads dumpted in their laps because otherwise intelligent and sensible people suddenly lose their minds and begin posting tripe.

If you *must* cast demons out of other Shipmates, please bring along an animal or a bottle of gin or something to then cast the demon into so that it doesn't get.out.

Tidiness is a virtue. Even in Hell.

tomb
hellhost
[host hat off]

[After my bitter complaints on another thread about dangling participles and other misplaced modifiers, I thought it prudent to fix my own.]

quote:

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Originally posted by tomb:
The nasty little things (i.e. the demons, not the neighbors)

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Tomb, are you sure the nasty little things aren't the neighbours? They were complaining about the noise when Carmel opened that
Christmas Party thread....

Perhaps I should have let it remain linguistically ambiguous. More interest that way.

And like Carmel/Kieran whoever, I admit to having had neighbors who might be demon-possessed. Well I remember that time the summer between my freshman and sophomore years in college when a bunch of us impoverished undergraduates had rented an apartment for the summer and were rooming together under what had to be illegal conditions because of the population density, and some of my buddies threw me in the swimming pool and this little old lady called the police because she though a Riot was occuring and I got out of the pool dripping wet and fully clothed to confront the Tulsa S.W.A.T. team. One is not at one's best under such conditions.

But let us forget the excesses of our Youth and focus on those of our Middle Age. Lent is coming up, and we haven't planned the Mardi Gras party in Heaven yet.

My only conditions are that everyone has to wear green and purple and wear beads. Other than that, I'm easy.

quote:

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Originally posted by tomb:

My only conditions are that everyone has to wear green and purple and wear beads. Other than that, I'm easy.

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quote:

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Originally posted by The Coot:

The Revd Mr Ambulance gave me the verge for heathen of your ilk (But much classier than that photo. Like. Think of the Speaker's Black Rod. Or whatever. You know what I mean). And he gave me the authority to use it. I have no other choice but to clock you on the scone with it.

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Thankyou Sibling Steve_R. Sometimes I fear the Rev Mr Ambulance leaves holes in my education.

quote:

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Originally posted by Steve_R:
tomb, you really must be more careful about your typing, as we will all have understood from the ABC threads the word is beards not beads

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No, Steven, it is, indeed, *beads.* The sort that one picks up at Mardi Gras in New Orleans after complying with requests to "show your --er, whatever."

Inasmuch as it is far too cold at the cabin right now (10 below F) recently to engage in such shenanigans, I propose everybody bring their own beads and just pretend they disrobed to obtain them.

Much more sensible.

And don't worry about the cold. We will have a nice fire going in the fireplace and in the kitchen. The outhouse will be ready. I have been saving the slick pages of the Sunday suppliments out of the newspaper in the absence of Montgomery Ward catalog pages for that special outhouse authenticity. If we run out, we can always use waxed paper, I suppose.

But everyone is right. We shall have to have to report our cabin celebration down here.

quote:

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Originally posted by The Coot:
Oh my word! I'll dangle the end of the verge in the thurible. Oooh. White hot. And I'm meant to put it where? Sibling Dyfrig will really need our prayers and Gaviscon (Gaveston?) after that.

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There is a folk band called "Edward II and the Red Hot Polkas"

quote:

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Originally posted by Rev Gerald Ambulance:
here. There's quite enough godless pollution on this thread already thank you.

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Your most Holy Highness,

This is no way for such a reverend man as yourself to speak about Sibling Coot. The poor thing is trying hard you know.

I shall pray for you.

Viki

quote:

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Originally posted by sarkycow:
My vicar thrust it in on Friday

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I noticed that the flock has gone considerably off the rails here... So I thought I'd bring the topic back...

I managed not only to burn my lamb roast to the texture of bootleather last night, but also managed to bake banana cakes today, the bottoms of which have fallen off. Should I be thinking about getting a new oven, or do I just need to cast the burn-demons out of it?

quote:

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Originally posted by Louise:
Unfortunately the bit about the poker is mythical (but fun).

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I feel led to draw your attention to the disgraceful goings -ons that have been going on whilst you have been occupied with the Lord's work elsewhere.

In order to compose myself into a suitably holy frame of mind for Sunday, I'm wont to scour the boards for inspirational material and good clean debate.

On logging on this evening I found a thread entitled Christian Underwear Rocks! Thinking it to be referring to those strengthening words in Paul's epistles I unkowingly clicked on the mouse - only to find myself in the Devil's grip!!

I shot up a couple of arrow prayers - but it was too late! I had already typed the word errr...under.... errr linger... I mean ahem ...ladies'.... K*****rs.

Rev Gerlad! What shall I do??? I'm a small, if slightly battered pillar of my local church. I'm a sidesperson! I help with the little ones! I'm on thecoffee rota for goodness sake! How can I ever live this down!

Rev Gerlad, Gerald. Lent is approaching. Will giving up chocoate be enough to rescue me from the fiery pits of Hell and whatever it is those benighted creatures whom you have entrusted to guard this thread have been brandishing around lately?

Yours in deep distress,

ladies don't have knackers.

quote:

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Originally posted by Campbell Ritchie:
Oh, sh*t. I have sunk to depths never before plumbed.

I have posted on Rev Gerald Ambulance's column.

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You think you've got problems, Campbell Ritchie. This is my first week on board SOF and I actually posted on the "Christian underwear Rocks" thread. I'm out of control.

quote:

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Originally posted by Miffy:
I shot up a couple of arrow prayers - but it was too late! I had already typed the word errr...under.... errr linger... I mean ahem ...ladies'.... K*****rs.

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Tis nothing!

I heard a tale about a guy who was going to a toga-party. He has 12 helium-filled 'sex-dolls' (also dressed in togas) tied to his pickup truck. However he hadn't tethered them tightly enough, and they started floating away.

A couple were driving their car when they saw this sight. The woman thought that the man was Jesus, and that the Rapture had come. She jumped out of the moving car so that she would not be left behind.

I thought that this sounded like an Urban Myth, so I typed a few key words from the story into a search engine. I realised just in time that I had typed:

Jesus sex-dolls

I really did not want to see the outcome of that search!

So, clicking on knickers is hardly a major crime. If it still bothers you then go starch all of your knickers as a penance.

yup - it's an urban myth

Perhaps I should have mentioned that I did know it was an UM. Is it really a sin to bring temptation to a Hellhost?

quote:

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Originally posted by babybear:
Is it really a sin to bring temptation to a Hellhost?

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Nah, more of a good deed for the day

And RuthW, tomb et al - will you eviscerate the Rev soon if he doesn't pay his tombtithe? Because you would probably recoup all your lost revenue if you charged people for the pleasure of watching... I'll sell the tickets if you like

quote:

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Originally posted by sarkycow:
....And RuthW, tomb et al - will you eviscerate the Rev soon if he doesn't pay his tombtithe? Because you would probably recoup all your lost revenue if you charged people for the pleasure of watching... I'll sell the tickets if you like

Viki

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I seem to recall that you have attempted to establish similar franchises in the past.

It is probably inappropriate to enrich oneself so blatantly on the misery of others, however pleasant the experience might be.

Let's keep this as much a spectacle for the hoi polloi as possible. If the interest becomes unmaneagable, we'll have our people get in touch with your people.

tomb

[changed vocabulary to make the post more nasty]

quote:

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Originally posted by tomb:
It is probably inappropriate to enrich oneself so blatantly on the misery of others, however pleasant the experience might be.

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Why inappropriate? I might possibly understand inadvisable, along the lines of they might try to kick my backside. I would, or course, have to floor them with my lethal wit But inappropriate?

And I'm only trying to earn an easy living. I ain't working hard if I can help it. Is that so unhellish of me? Nah, didn't think so

quote:

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Originally posted by RuthW:
Yes, inappropriate. tomb's eviscerations are so entertaining to the general public, and he is such a generous soul, that he prefers to offer the spectacle free of charge.

Sheesh -- you've been in hell all this time, and you're still unclear on the concept of bread and circuses ...

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Tomb generous? We talking about the same hellhost here? Anyway I'm at least making something from the tight-fisted so-and-sos who sit around in hell doing nothing all day! Well, while they're being tortured, they could at least *try* and make me some money. Is that too much to ask?

Yours grumpily,

I have this itch in an... unitchable place. Should I say 5 Hail Marys or simply ask someone to itch the itch for me? Is this the kind of thing that can be exorcised? Does it require fasting and prayer?

Or is it a symptom that I am beyond curable on the wide well paved road to the Other Place?

Anxiously awaiting your reply, (*scratch scratch*)

quote:

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Originally posted by Nunc_Dimittis:
Dear Rev,

I have this itch in an... unitchable place. Should I say 5 Hail Marys or simply ask someone to itch the itch for me? Is this the kind of thing that can be exorcised? Does it require fasting and prayer?

Or is it a symptom that I am beyond curable on the wide well paved road to the Other Place?

Anxiously awaiting your reply, (*scratch scratch*)

Nunc

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He won't scratch it for you - I asked him before

I have already made the will of the Lord clear on the subject of intermarriage (and other stuff) between our feathered 'friends' and God's lovely humans. Depravity! Abomination! Godless filthiness!!

The athleticism of the said birds has got no bearing on the case.

Perfidy! Grossness and iniquity! Defilement!!

The only excuse for bringing them into church is to sacrifice them as a pleasing aroma unto the Lord, and Sunday dinner for the faithtful.

Ordure! Micturation! Vile uncleanlines!!

I hope this is helpful to you. If not, feel free to help yourself.

I don't myself detect any incoherence or such like diabolical interference in this epistle, but I should probably mention that I have spent the evening with my beloved sibling Fr Szbrovzhny investigating the litugical possibilities of various species of vodka, and so neither I nor the Lord can accept any responsibility for misleading sayings contained herein.

I was christened with it in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.

Didn't Jesus tell us to 'render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's'? Namely that we should pay our taxes, tithes and other monies owed to the proper authorities? And yet RuthW and tomb assert that you haven't paid the tax for keeping open a thread in hell. Doesn't this put you in direct opposition to Jesus? Who's right, you or Him?

I fear that both Nunc and myself have been infiltrated/possessed/whatever you wish to call it by the dread spirit of inadequate foundationwear (take a peep in Tomb's cabin.)Marks and Spencer it aint!

Those feathers are giving me eczema. I daren't use the bathroom (chocolate having started to take effect) because some vile devil's brew is belching its way up the U-bend.) And nipping behind a bush isn't an option. A rather overfed cat appears to be mounting guard outside the front door.

If you don't put in an appearance pronto I'm never going to make it back home in time for Ash Wednesday.

Yours in even more utter despair,

I'll be the judge of that my dear lay Sibling.
May I point out that for a flock to go off the rails it would have to be on it in the first place?

I managed not only to burn my lamb roast to the texture of bootleather last night, but also managed to bake banana cakes today, the bottoms of which have fallen off. Should I be thinking about getting a new oven, or do I just need to cast the burn-demons out of it?

Maybe one day, Sibling Nunc, my ministry will sink far enough below the level of anointment for me to resort to answering cookery problems. Till then may I point you towards Fr Nigel Twistleton's Claiming the Victory over your Microwave?

Ow ow ow I burnt my fingers! *blows on them and runs them under cold water*

Better luck next time.