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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Heaven: Worst possible advice for the newbie
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KenWritez
Shipmate
# 3238
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Posted
An SOF apprentice's first post asked the best way to make his introduction the the Ship. I came this close to posting this:
Your first few posts should definitely be in Hell. A good topic is to belittle RooK's abilities as an engineer, artist and thinker. He loves it when people do that. If you can also claim gays, the overweight, and High Church believers are less loved by God, that would make you many, many friends here. If you get bored, call Erin to Hell over censorship and her arbitrary mangement of the Ship. She has too much free time and could use the attention, frankly. Sometimes we worry about her.
If you were to be really cruel, what would you advise?
[ 27. October 2012, 16:43: Message edited by: Tubbs ]
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"The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd." --Quentin Tarantino, Pulp Fiction
My blog: http://oxygenofgrace.blogspot.com
Posts: 11102 | From: Left coast of Wonderland, by the rabbit hole | Registered: Aug 2002
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duchess
Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764
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Posted
You might want to put a bunch of stuff on how America sucks, how all Right Wingers are stupid sheep-like-following-mindless-twits / how all Left-Wing Liberals are sheep-like-following-mindless-twits, how you know more about Australian/English Law than Duo, know more about dieting than *cough* duchess, know more about proper ediquette than Sine, know more about the Catholic church traditions/laws than IngoB, know more about Insurance Healthcare issues than Erin, know more about maths than Acolite, know more about Economic theory than Zwingli, know more about Policemen Clergy protocol thans Zapps........etc...etc...
[eta: ok, had to add 2 more...this is addicting...stop! ok, done.]
[ 17. July 2006, 22:54: Message edited by: duchess ]
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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party
Posts: 11197 | From: Do you know the way? | Registered: May 2002
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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
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Posted
Don't forget to use silly rhymes and stars instead of using curse words, everyone will appreciate the plucking effort ...
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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
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Anna B
Shipmate
# 1439
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by KenWritez:
If you were to be really cruel, what would you advise?
Take yourself seriously.
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Bad Christian (TM)
Posts: 3069 | From: near a lot of fish | Registered: Oct 2001
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Pigwidgeon
Ship's Owl
# 10192
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Posted
Always bear in mind that this is a Christian website, and be sure to reprimand people who forget that.
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"...that is generally a matter for Pigwidgeon, several other consenting adults, a bottle of cheap Gin and the odd giraffe."
~Tortuf
Posts: 9835 | From: Hogwarts | Registered: Aug 2005
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Cymruambyth
Shipmate
# 10887
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Posted
Spend most of your time telling everyone else what daft pratts they are because they don't believe exactly as you do, start threads that open with the premise that everything in Genesis is historical fact, and provide links to web sites that support creationism.
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"Tradition is the living faith of the dead; traditionalism is the dead faith of the living." Jaroslav Pelikan
Posts: 556 | From: The True North Strong and Free | Registered: Jan 2006
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Adam.
Like as the
# 4991
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Posted
<tangent>
quote:
Originally posted by duchess:
know more about maths than Acolite
![[Hot and Hormonal]](icon_redface.gif) But I answered a question wrongly on the Question Time thread recently... [I blame it on a book that didn't make clear that it's nonstandard nomenclature was nonstandard and I've been blithely going around speaking in it for years]
</tangent>
Anyway, my advice would be:
It's rude to post on other people's threads when you're a newbie: start your own! Also, some people hate short OPs and some people hate long ones, so make sure you're only upsetting half the shipmates at a time by making all your OPs either one line or twenty pages long.
Here's a good guide to some threads we'd love it if you'd start (and where):
in Styx: a twenty page description of your ground-breaking new theology;
in Heaven: copy and paste the last dozen funny emails you've received. None of us have email accounts, so we won't have gotten them and, as a Christian website, we're exempt from copyright laws, so no need to worry there!
in Purg: Tell us a funny joke. About why gay people are horrible, or something like that.
in Hell: Tell us a deeply personal secret that you'd die if any-one mocked. That way we can give the kind of fellowship and support you'd expect in a Christian website.
in All Saints: Start a thread about your Men's Day.
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Ave Crux, Spes Unica!
Preaching blog
Posts: 8164 | From: Notre Dame, IN | Registered: Sep 2003
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Cymruambyth:
Spend most of your time telling everyone else what daft pratts they are because they don't believe exactly as you do, start threads that open with the premise that everything in Genesis is historical fact, and provide links to web sites that support creationism.
Alternately, ignore theological conservatives whenever they pop up in a thread, ignoring their questions and comments as unworthy of notice, and go on your merry way engaging only with those who already wholeheartedly agree with you. Thereby turning an interesting thread into a private, self-congratulatory lovefest.
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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aj
firewire technophobe
# 1383
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Posted
Newbies should remember:
In this connected world, for every original thought, story or joke you have, someone else will have thought of it first. So just shut up to save embarrassment.
Don't complain about cliques. They're all in your imagination. We know.
You can never be too cynical.
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if there's no god, then who turns on the light when you open the fridge?
Posts: 2994 | From: ...on location | Registered: Sep 2001
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Fool of a Took
chock full o' nuts
# 7412
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Posted
And if nobody replies to your thread (in which you link to your men's day) use a second email address to set up a second SoF membership. Once both your identities get the conversational ball rolling, everyone else will join in!
Posts: 1205 | From: Toronto-ish | Registered: Jun 2004
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MrSponge2U
Ship’s scrub
# 3076
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Posted
Post a lot of ![[Axe murder]](graemlins/lovedrops.gif) smilies in hell, they love it. And shamelessly flirt on as many threads as possible.
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sig? what sig?
Posts: 3558 | From: where two big rivers meet | Registered: Jul 2002
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fight-club for the soul
Shipmate
# 11098
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Posted
Use lots of 'in' terms like Haxx0r and Pwn3d, and be sure to post plenty of links titled 'Britney Speers XXX'.
If that doesn't make you lots of friends, try getting your name on every topic showing on the boards front page.
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"If I go they'll say I'm wrong, if I stay there'll be no song." - Delirious
Posts: 566 | From: 35°14'04.35" S 149°02'19.56" E | Registered: Mar 2006
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by fight-club for the soul:
If that doesn't make you lots of friends, try getting your name on every topic showing on the boards front page.
I did that accidentally once, and got a PM box full of congratulatory notes.
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Sir Kevin
Ship's Gaffer
# 3492
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Posted
Talk about w*rk alot in the cafe.
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If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.
Posts: 30517 | From: White Hart Lane | Registered: Oct 2002
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MSHB
Shipmate
# 9228
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Posted
May the grace of God be with you all.
Begin every post with an over the top Christian loving greeting. Tell everybody that you love them, and are praying for them fervently.
Start thirty or forty threads on your favourite topic. As we are all bored, the more obscure the topic, the better.
With kisses and gooey stuff to you all.
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MSHB: Member of the Shire Hobbit Brigade
Posts: 1522 | From: Dharawal Country | Registered: Mar 2005
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
Never bother visiting Limbo. It's a big waste of time. ![[Disappointed]](graemlins/disappointed.gif)
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif) ![[Snigger]](graemlins/snigger.gif) ![[Killing me]](graemlins/killingme.gif) ![[Overused]](graemlins/notworthy.gif)
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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aj
firewire technophobe
# 1383
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Posted
like I said...
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if there's no god, then who turns on the light when you open the fridge?
Posts: 2994 | From: ...on location | Registered: Sep 2001
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KenWritez
Shipmate
# 3238
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
Never bother visiting Limbo. It's a big waste of time.
Of course it is! The difference between the Limbic advice thread and mine is that *I* started this one, and so it retains the delicate floral notes (also fruity yet sometimes bold) my Kenwritez-ish nuances add as thread originator.
Also: Pick arguments with as many people as possible outside of Hell. It shows you're to be taken seriously as a poster, and the other hosts are usually thumb-twiddling while they wait for something to do.
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"The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd." --Quentin Tarantino, Pulp Fiction
My blog: http://oxygenofgrace.blogspot.com
Posts: 11102 | From: Left coast of Wonderland, by the rabbit hole | Registered: Aug 2002
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Chapelhead
I am
# 21
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by KenWritez:
Of course it is! The difference between the Limbic advice thread and mine is that *I* started this one, and so it retains the delicate floral notes (also fruity yet sometimes bold) my Kenwritez-ish nuances add as thread originator.
Well, isn’t that at typical piece of pom-bashing, neocon, b***b**.
The other thread was clearly originated by someone far more nuanced, fruity, floral, bold and better-looking.
I demand the Hosts take action against KenWritez’ personal attack on me. I thought this was supposed to be a Christian Website.
quote:
Originally posted by KenWritez:
Also: Pick arguments with as many people as possible outside of Hell.
![[Biased]](wink.gif)
With love and kisses blowing up your ***
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At times like this I find myself thinking, what would the Amish do?
Posts: 9123 | From: Near where I was before. | Registered: Aug 2001
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David
Complete Bastard
# 3
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Posted
The Hosts and Admins recognise that the newest members have the deepest insights into how the boards should be run, and so they encourage feedback from apprentices at the earliest possible time.
Posts: 3815 | From: Redneck Wonderland | Registered: Mar 2001
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aj
firewire technophobe
# 1383
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Posted
Ah...so you heard that quote too.
It's a good one.
[ 18. July 2006, 07:45: Message edited by: aj ]
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if there's no god, then who turns on the light when you open the fridge?
Posts: 2994 | From: ...on location | Registered: Sep 2001
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
Tell Erin how to run the ship--on your first day, if possible.
Offer her a dish of alligator stew.
Call her a crocodile.
Ask hosts/admins "who the heck do you think you are, anyway, to be telling me what to do?"
Post the entire text of an article from the NY Times.
Write all your posts in verse...in a foreign language...with no translation.
Start a thread, then never interact with the other posters. You're too good for them! And everything you said is perfectly clear.
Start board wars with another site. The hosts/admins will thank you for all the publicity and visitors.
Make 50 posts in 24 hours. The faster you become a shipmate, the more everyone will like you!
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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Hazey*Jane
Ship's Biscuit Crumbs
# 8754
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Posted
You know that you're right, right? And that everyone needs to hear your Truth™. So post it at length, and then when anyone replies, ignore their questions and post more of the same. If you get banned from the board, no worries. Just set up another username and repeat.
Posts: 4266 | From: UK | Registered: Nov 2004
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Nicodemia
WYSIWYG
# 4756
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Posted
Make sure all women Shipmates know they should be in the kitchen, with a dozen toddlers hanging on to their skirts.
And when you've done all that, cut and paste very long discourses from some obscure website on some equally obscure theological matter.
Posts: 4544 | From: not too far from Manchester, UK | Registered: Jul 2003
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Sioni Sais
Shipmate
# 5713
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Posted
Use the tiger avatar like ThomasDF, of blessed memory, did a while ago. Your shipmates will be impressed.
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"He isn't Doctor Who, he's The Doctor"
(Paul Sinha, BBC)
Posts: 24276 | From: Newport, Wales | Registered: Apr 2004
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Flausa
Mad Woman
# 3466
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Posted
Start an Erin Fan Club and gush on and on about how you know she really is a nice person IRL. She is Sweetness & Light™ after all.
Call Erin a croccodile. And before anyone says anything about how that's already been mentioned, remember that as a newbie you should post your ideas whether or not they've been stated verbatim on the thread already. In fact, people love it if you enter a thread already in full swing and say, "I haven't read the rest of this thread, but ... "
Posts: 4610 | From: bonny Scotland | Registered: Oct 2002
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obble
Shipmate
# 10868
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Posted
Preview Post [i]isn't[/b] your friend.
(It is only there for the use of Hosts and Admins)
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Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Posts: 1700 | From: Some other planet | Registered: Jan 2006
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Emma Louise
Storm in a teapot
# 3571
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Posted
Its much quicker if you type in txt spk. OR CAPITALS. Both make it far easier to read.
C U l8r
Posts: 12719 | From: Enid Blyton territory. | Registered: Nov 2002
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Schroedinger's cat
Ship's cool cat
# 64
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Posted
Always remember the appropriate use of the various boards :
Styx is for criticising how the boards are run
Heaven is for linking to your favorite puke-inducing Letter from God message.
Purgatory is for you to convince others how clever you are.
Hell is for your to almost use some rude words.
All saints is a personal blog space.
Ecclesiantics is the best place to tell people how to run the church.
Kerygmania is the devotional board, where the literal truth of the bible is taken as granted.
The Circus is for games of Mornington Crescent. The more the merrier.
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Blog
Music for your enjoyment
Lord may all my hard times be healing times
take out this broken heart and renew my mind.
Posts: 18859 | From: At the bottom of a deep dark well. | Registered: May 2001
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Roseofsharon
Shipmate
# 9657
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Posted
The Ship welcomes fresh insight into a specific set of subjects. These are listed, along with all previous posts on them, in Dead Horses.
Do take a look at them, and if you have a new perspective, or wish to support a previous argument please reopen the subjects on the main boards. All shipmates will be grateful for the opportunity to air these old favourites.
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Talk about books -any books- on our rejuvenatedforum http://www.bookgrouponline.com/index.php?
Posts: 3060 | From: Sussex By The Sea | Registered: Jun 2005
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Banner Lady
Ship's Ensign
# 10505
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Posted
Remember to be a perky upbeat Christian at all times.
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Women in the church are not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be enjoyed.
Posts: 7080 | From: Canberra Australia | Registered: Oct 2005
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*Leon*
Shipmate
# 3377
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Posted
Try to make your online personality nice and easy to recognise. Then people will quickly feel they 'know' you. A good approach to this is to pick a particular hobby-horse subject, and start going on about it at all possible oppertunities in any thread that's even half-relevant to the subject.
Or should I have said dead-horse subject, not hobby-horse subject? I'm not sure.
Posts: 831 | From: london | Registered: Oct 2002
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Alan Cresswell
Mad Scientist 先生
# 31
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Posted
Remember most of the people on board are apostate heretics. It is your mission to convert us all to the One True Faith™ through the shear volume of posts preaching the word.
Never admit to making a mistake. Never apologise. It just makes it look like you don't know what you're talking about.
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Don't cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it.
Posts: 32413 | From: East Kilbride (Scotland) or 福島 | Registered: May 2001
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Alan Cresswell
Mad Scientist 先生
# 31
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Posted
If you can't think of anything new to say, just copy and paste something you've posted elsewhere. No one will notice.
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Don't cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it.
Posts: 32413 | From: East Kilbride (Scotland) or 福島 | Registered: May 2001
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Sioni Sais
Shipmate
# 5713
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Posted
When you have been on board for a little while and no longer feel a newbie you will have some opinions about the relative worth and goodness of many shipmates.
You must then start a "Who is your favourite Shipmate" poll in Heaven. Or All Saints, the Hosts and Admins love them just the same in either place.
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"He isn't Doctor Who, he's The Doctor"
(Paul Sinha, BBC)
Posts: 24276 | From: Newport, Wales | Registered: Apr 2004
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Schroedinger's cat
Ship's cool cat
# 64
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Posted
Never forget that Erin, for all her apparent gruffness, is really just a softie inside. So should you cross her, make sure you appeal to her cuddly and warm side. The expression "Aw dear, is the cwocodile having a dificwult day thwen" is guaranteed to produce a result.
Also, despite what has been said elsewhere, the host are very busy people, so do not, under any circumstances, ask them about posts or consult them about their actions. If they do post in hostly mode, they are just trying it on, so you should ignore them.
And remember that "Admins" are just administrators, so you can ignore them with even more distain.
[ 18. July 2006, 10:30: Message edited by: Schroedinger's cat ]
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Blog
Music for your enjoyment
Lord may all my hard times be healing times
take out this broken heart and renew my mind.
Posts: 18859 | From: At the bottom of a deep dark well. | Registered: May 2001
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Matrix
Shipmate
# 3452
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Posted
If you can't think of anything new to say, just copy and paste something someone else posted elsewhere. No one will notice.
[ 18. July 2006, 10:39: Message edited by: Matrix ]
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Maybe that's all a family really is; a group of people who miss the same imaginary place. - Garden State
Posts: 3847 | From: The courts of the King | Registered: Oct 2002
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obble
Shipmate
# 10868
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Matrix:
If you can't think of anything new to say, just copy and paste something someone else posted elsewhere. No one will notice.
And if you tack a line which doesn't add anything to the discussion on the end, everyone will be even more certain to think it's your own work.
[ 18. July 2006, 10:57: Message edited by: obble ]
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Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Posts: 1700 | From: Some other planet | Registered: Jan 2006
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
You are Deeply In Love. In fact, you are probably the only person in the whole history of the world who has ever been this much in love. It behoves you to tell everyone else all about it: post pics of you, your beloved, the totally cutsey-wutsey card you got. Be sure and add how God's plan for every one's life includes someone for them to love as well. Tell them so. Give them advice on the defects which are so obviously keeping them from finding that Special Person. Dieting advice is good, as are exhortations to be more prayerful.
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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aj
firewire technophobe
# 1383
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by obble:
quote:
Originally posted by Matrix:
If you can't think of anything new to say, just copy and paste something someone else posted elsewhere. No one will notice.
And if you tack a line which doesn't add anything to the discussion on the end, everyone will be even more certain to think it's your own work.
Dang! You stole my idea.
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if there's no god, then who turns on the light when you open the fridge?
Posts: 2994 | From: ...on location | Registered: Sep 2001
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Chapelhead
I am
# 21
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Posted
Among the hardest things for newbies to catch on to are the “in” jokes. Probably the most significant of these is that everyone from Nashville is regarded as unintelligent, badly-educated, uncouth and generally unattractive. Fortunately the Ship has never had any Shipmates from Nashville, so it’s safe to deride any foolish activity or idea as “very Nashville”. Make use of this and you will fit in splendidly.
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At times like this I find myself thinking, what would the Amish do?
Posts: 9123 | From: Near where I was before. | Registered: Aug 2001
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Corpus cani
Ship's Anachronism
# 1663
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Posted
Shipmates are most learned in matters theological and will always be happy to help you with your Div. degree coursework. Just post all your homework questions in new threads in Purgatory.
Need some extra cash? Why not become an internet sales rep. Lots of shipmates will be happy to buy from you if you post ads for your wares in Heavenly threads.
Shipmates love to share each other's hobbies. Why not include a link in your signature line, so that all shippies can be just one click away from your favourite pædo-necrophilic bestiality site?
Not sure where to put your post? Play it safe. "Copy and paste" so that you can submit your post to all the boards at the same time.
Please enjoy a happy, if brief, sojourn aboard the Ship.
Cc
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Bishop Lord Corpus Cani the Tremulous of Buzzing St Helens.
Posts: 4435 | From: Trumpton | Registered: Nov 2001
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Pegasus
Shipmate
# 1966
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Posted
The hosts are very overworked; so if you see something in need of correction, they'll be very grateful if you step in on their behalf to remind fellow posters that they've overstepped the line.
Posts: 1207 | From: Ruritania | Registered: Apr 2004
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Pegasus
Shipmate
# 1966
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Posted
Double posting is always welcomed.
Posts: 1207 | From: Ruritania | Registered: Apr 2004
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Zorro
Shipmate
# 9156
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Posted
If you worry people aren't taking you seriously, get down to hell and start yourself a thread entitled "I am right, You are wrong," outlining your 5 step plan for the saving of humanity, how to run the ship, and how you don't think the crocodile has been welcoming enough, with suggestions of an appropriate attitude adjustment for her.
Sit back and wait for the love to flow! ![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
ETA:Spelling incomprehensibly is always a bonus!
[ 18. July 2006, 13:41: Message edited by: Zorro ]
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It is so hard to believe, because it is so hard to obey. Soren Kierkegaard
Well, churches really should be like sluts; take everyone no matter who they are or whether they can pay. Spiffy da wondersheep
Posts: 2568 | From: Baja California (actually the UK but that's where my fans know me from) | Registered: Mar 2005
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obble
Shipmate
# 10868
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Posted
always rmember taht noone on the ship carez abowt spellin and punktuation and grammer and stuff so yew dont need to either We kan all understand wot ure tryin to say annyway
[eta cross-post with Zorro]
[always edit your posts after you post them, unless you have made a typo which makes your post less clear, when you should leave it.]
[ 18. July 2006, 13:47: Message edited by: obble ]
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Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Posts: 1700 | From: Some other planet | Registered: Jan 2006
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noneen
Shipmate
# 11023
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Posted
Never say in one word what can be said in ten
...i think thats my shortest post ever, actually!!!
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... 'but Father, Jesus drank wine at Cana and danced' ... 'Not in the presence of the Blessed Sacrament, he didn't', Father replied
Posts: 472 | From: ireland | Registered: Feb 2006
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