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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Kerygmania: LEVITICUS: The Bible Non-Stop
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Nigel M
Shipmate
# 11256
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Posted
The idea behind this thread appears to have been lost in the mist of time. No doubt one day archaeologists will upearth the original manuscript, but in the meantime I think we are left with scraps and the need to apply some critical processes to explain the sociological, anthropological, theological, philosophical and dudeological frameworks behind this phenomenon.
We do have one piece of evidence to go on: a fragment from it comes to us from oblivion and was transmitted by the scribal prophet, Lynn MagdalenCollege (LMC) who, legend has it, belonged to the Chorus of Psalmists. Unfortunately, the fragment makes cross-references to other manuscripts that also do not appear to have survived the exile from MainBoard to OuterDarkness. What can we deduce?
Reference is made to one Alan Cresswell. Some scholars believe this to be one of the deities, on the basis of the fact that LMC makes reference to a Word of Law having come from him/her/it. No doubt this deity was created out of nothing and inhabits a remote corner of the universe, near enough to civilisation, but not too near to be closely associated with anything carnal, like Glaswegian football. This word was mediated, it would appear, via a prophet, one Twilight. That name is almost certainly a Pseudonym and most probably refers to a school of religious devotees, specialising in out of body experiences.
It would appear that the deity was grappling with the issue of communication: how does a god effectively communicate to mortals? Via prophets, no doubt, but how does the prophet faithfully reproduce the message to the scribe so that other mortals may be enlightened?
It would appear that The Heavenly Host (which may or may not be the same or another one of those deities) began the process by setting out some Rules for Telling It As It Is According To Me. These Rules were later transferred to another setting, more appropriate to Messaging. At this point, however, the trail runs cold and the fragment breaks off. We have to rely on the oral tradition to reconstruct what happened next.
I think it is a fair guess that the Messaging school of believers took up the challenge of faithfully transmitting the Message in a linear fashion, because we have today the ongoing tribal practice of conducting restatements of the Core Message communicated to mortals by the deity (thought whether that is the same deity as the others or not is a paraphrastic question).
We may have to rely on the Priestly Caste (The Moo and The Kelly) to explain further, but everyone is permitted to join in the transmission, no matter what background or affiliation; they could even be gods.
P.S. What is this “NT” to which you refer? It sounds like a dangerous and cancerous growth on the Core Message. I'm not sure it has come from the deity. Should we be worried?
Posts: 2826 | From: London, UK | Registered: Apr 2006
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Moo
Ship's tough old bird
# 107
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Posted
Here is Genesis, the first Bible non-stop thread, and here is Exodus.
The Keryg hosts considered them worthy of Limbo.
Moo
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Kerygmania host
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See you later, alligator.
Posts: 20365 | From: Alleghany Mountains of Virginia | Registered: May 2001
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
If I may make a request, could posts regarding the discussion of the style, etc. of this thread be moved to the thread on "Second Thoughts"? There's another thread for commentary and questions here.
And if you want to start one on the NT, go ahead (far as I'm concerned, others may disagree.) I just felt like following the pattern and continuing through the OT in order. Besides, it's been fun trying to make Leviticus more engaging. I've been hoping others would take on a few verses so it's not just Nigel and myself.
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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg
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Nigel M
Shipmate
# 11256
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Posted
Lev. 5:1-13
Rule 12: The Public Court Procedure Rules
Where a tribunal of elders issues an order for a witness to attend court to give evidence regarding any public charge against someone who pleads Not Guilty to that charge, and that witness either:
(a) fails without reasonable excuse to attend before the tribunal at the stated place and time; or
(b) upon attending the tribunal at the stated place and time refuses without reasonable excuse to give evidence,
he shall be guilty of contempt of that court and may be punished summarily by that court as if his contempt had been committed in the face of the court.
Section 38: Offences Against the Restoration of the Person Act
If a person interferes with any part of the process for restoring an offender to the community, whether:
(a) by associating with banned animals, or
(b) by associating with banned organisations, or
(c) by associating with banned substances,
he shall be guilty of an offence. It shall not be considered a defence to claim ignorance of the process.
Regulation 16: The Taking of Oaths Regulations
If a person takes an official oath pursuant to the Oaths Act to fulfil a dedicated promise, irrelevant of the outcome, and fails to carry out his dedicated promise, he will be liable to punishment under the relevant legislation. Failure to consider the consequences of actions will not be considered to be a defence.
Section 5: Powers of the Public Court (Sentencing) Act
(a)Where a person is convicted of any offence listed in the Schedule hereto, having admitted the charges before him, he will be liable to sentence not exceeding Scale 5 on the Restoration Scale. Upon completion of the order, he will be restored and will have paid his debt to the community.
(b) Where the offender is shown not to be capable of completing the activities imposed under the Restoration Scale, the court will be empowered to impose a lesser activity commensurable with the offender's circumstances and public safety. Upon completion of such a lesser activity as ordered, the offender will be restored and will have paid his debt to the community.
- - -
Moses' scribe finished flicking lovingly through the assorted parchments of laws that had been passed following case law recordings, and placed them back in one of the rather large boxes of legal rulings. “If I get a mo,” he mused, “I'll put these into Order.”
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
Leviticus 5:14-26
And so the interminable monologue continued. Moses sat, holed up in his tent, for hour and hour, day after day, taking transcription as he practiced case law. The voice in his head continued...
Now, if a person commits a crime against the tabernacle, they are to bring a ram, or perhaps an appropriate quantity of silver, to pay their debt to My Holy Self. If a ram is brought, the priest shall slaughter it as is appropriate, and the guilt will be remitted.
If someone sins against the commandments, the same applies to them.
If one were to sin against Myself by robbing or defrauding a neighbor...
"A neighbor?" Moses asked, "Who would that be? How close do they have to live to be my neighbor..."
Oh, you know what I mean! One of My People™!...
Moses thought. But isn't that a bit...unfair...to people who aren't...
Hush! Just write down what I say! We'll deal with that sometime later...
Anyway, if one sins against Me by sinning against their neighbor in an act of robbery or fraud or lying about any number of things (let the reader understand), then that person should first restore what they stole to its proper owner, plus one-fifth.
"Which way should I round?" Moses asked.
However you see fit. Add 1/5 to the total debt and then a ram (or the equivalent) per the previous commandments.
{edited to correct name of book}
[ 15. March 2010, 13:10: Message edited by: Moo ]
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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg
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Nigel M
Shipmate
# 11256
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Posted
Leviticus 6:8 – 7:21 [6:1 – 7:21 in Hebrew and Greek Septuagint]
Right [continued the Eternal Am]. Now then. Time for a recap. In fact, this would be very good place to start a new chapter, but I have a horrible suspicion that the Babel event will cause some foreign interpreters to miss this point and throw a new chapter division in at the wrong place. Still...
We've discussed the process for burning an offering so the smell Goes Up. I need to add some more detail for Aaron and his sons. Give them these instructions:
1)All holocausts are to be kept on top of the altar over night.
2)Keep the home fires burning.
3)Come morning, the priest must put on the nice little linen number and shovel off the ashes to the side of the altar.
4)Next he is to perform a swift change of clothes and take the ashes off to a designated place.
5)Keep the home fires burning: a priest must top up the firewood every day.
6)And my 6th point is: keep the home fires burning.
Good. Now to revisit the Flour offering. The instructions for Aaron are:
1)Whichever priest is officiating at the time must take the handful I spoke of before to burn.
2)I know Aaron wants something that is not a leftover, but in this case he can have whatever is left of the flour offering.
3)However, he must eat it without yeast. Spreading Marmite on it is definitely out.
4)It must be eaten in the Meeting Tent courtyard – no running off home with this. It is to be treated Apart From the Norm.
5)In fact, so much Apart From the Norm that whoever touches it will be Apart From the Norm, too.
6)One exception to this whole thing: the flour offering offered when a man becomes a priest. This offering (a decent size of decent flour, please, decent oil, well-mixed, nicely griddled, and broken up so I can smell it – morning and night) is my share and I want it well done. No priest can have a nibble of this.
Moving on: the Slip-Up offering, or if you prefer, the Covetousness offering. I want these instructions added:
1)These also need to be Apart From the Norm, so offer these at the same place as the holocausts.
2)Go on, let the priest eat this one, too.
3)Same condition as before – it must be eaten on site.
4)It is Apart From the Norm.
5)And that's my 5th point, too.
6)And my 6th.
7)Keep everything that comes into contact with it clean. This is because it is Apart From the Norm.
8)One exception: do not eat anything with blood in it. That's not just yucky, it's also an affront to life. Burn it all up.
Now that brings us to the Guilty-Verdict offering:
1)This is Oh So Apart From the Norm.
2)Perform the process like the Slip Up offering.
3)And yes, let Aaron have it to eat – and any male in the priest's house, too.
4)But only on site again.
5)See 1) above.
In fact, all the Slip-Up and Guilty-Verdict offerings belong to the priest. I'll even throw in the hide from the animal that is burnt up. Actually, while we're at it, the priest can also have the Flour offerings too. Hopefully that will keep Aaron happy.
Finally, I want to talk about the Well-Being offering. Here are the instructions:
1)If the offering is for general congratulations, then the offerer must add cakes – no yeast, please – wafers, and nice flour bikkies, all done in decent oil. Add to this some cakes made with yeast. Bring both kinds to the priest and they will be his (though of course, they really belong to me). The meat from the offering must be eaten that day. All of it please. No one leaves the place until it is all gone.
2)If the offering is to confirm a vow or is one of the free-will offerings I want people to give every now and then, then the sacrifice part must be eaten that day, but anything left over could be eaten the next day. After that, burn the leftovers up. Anyone who eats any of it after the second day will be Naughty, Below the Norm, and Delinquent.
3)If by chance any meat touches something that is not Below the Norm, it must be burnt. Apart from that meat, anyone officially Apart from the Norm may eat meat. I am not prepared to tolerate someone who is Below the Norm who tries to eat any of the offering meat. Cut that person off from My People.
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Autenrieth Road
Shipmate
# 10509
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Posted
Leviticus 7:22-38
The Eternal Am continued:
"Let me remind you: no eating fat. Or blood. But you can use fat from an animal that died or was killed by wild animals for anything else, as long as you don't eat it.
"Also, when someone has a Well-Being offering to make, they must bring it themselves. No sending a hired hand instead. Bring the fat along with the breast, the breast will be raised up and given to Aaron and his sons, and the fat will be burnt. Also the right thigh goes to the son of Aaron who actually does the lifting up and burning."
That wraps it up for the Burnt offering, the Flour offering, the Slip-Up offering, the Guilty-Verdict offering, the Ordination offering, and the Well-Being offering. This is what the Eternal Am commanded Moses on Mount Sinai, when he explained all about bringing offerings to His Eternal Self.
[Moses shook out his writing hand. Was that all? Time to go down the mountain? Stay tuned...]
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Truth
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Nigel M
Shipmate
# 11256
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Posted
Leviticus 8:1-36
“Ring all the Bells, Let's all have a feast;
Kill the chosen lamb, 'cause I'm going to be a priest!”
And Aaron did a little skip and a hop as he hummed his way to the Meeting Tent on that auspicious day, that First Day of his Anointing.
“Bake a sumptuous pie, but do it without yeast;
Splash on the oil, yes I'm going to be a priest!”
It was the morning of the first day (of his ordination) and Aaron saw that it was good. It was a bit of a walk to the Meeting Tent and by the time he and his sons were within sprinkling distance he had run out of words to rhyme with “priest” so was reduced to...
“Hum diddle la, yiddle diddle phweest,
Yad da de dum bum, I'm going to be a priest!”
Moses met them outside the Tent. Aaron looked around with approval. “Ah, brother” he beamed, “What a glorious day, eh? I see you already have the oil, the bull, two rams, the basket of bread with no yeast, and the elders from The People are arriving, too.”
“Exactly as Eternal Am commanded” said Moses.
“Fantastic. Wouldn't want it any other way” said Aaron, and tried to make his beam as modest as possible. “Well,” he said rubbing his hands, “What do we do now?”
“Exactly as Eternal Am commanded” said Moses. “Take your clothes off.”
Priests, even priests-in-waiting, are not ordained for their skills at rebellion, but Aaron and his sons had form in this (witness the Golden Thingy episode when Moses was up a hill). It took a bit off persuasion, but the need for holiness was paramount and, besides, all the other nations round about did it. The next part went a bit like this:
“A BATH?!!!!! But it's not even the month the Ziv!!!!”
“A WOMAN!!!!! There's a Woman in the TENT!!!! I know it's Miriam and I don't care if she's seen it all before I am not putting this towel down until she turns her back!!!”
“Watch what you're doing with that scrubber!!!! AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!”
“Oi!!!! I'll thank you very much to let me put my own pants on!!!”
Finally, Moses was able to put fine linen tunics on Aaron. He tied the finely twisted linen sash round Aaron's waist and neatly dropped the blue cloth robe over Aaron's head. The pomegranates glistened in the sun and the pure gold hem bells tinkled musically. Next on was the gold, blue, purple and scarlet ephod, fastened in place with the skilfully woven waistband. This was topped with the breastpiece, containing the Urs and Thumms. Finally, the turban was placed on Aaron's head, together with the gold plate at the front.
Then Moses took the special oil in hand and set about anointing the Meeting Tent and its utensils, so that they were consecrated. The altar he anointed seven times, so rushing it straight to the top of the 'Above The Norm' list, ready for use, rather than wait for the full seven days of Ordination. He also consecrated Aaron by pouring some of the oil on his head – which rather spoilt the turban and robe, but, hey, at least they were now consecrated too.
Aaron's sons were adorned with tunics, sashes and headbands, as usual in accordance with Eternal Am's instructions.
Day One moved on with the sacrificial offerings. Strict order. First up, the bull for priests who Slip Up; done in accordance with received instructions. Next up, a ram for a Smells-Go-Up offering; done in accordance with received instructions. The second ram was for the Ordination. Aaron and his sons laid their hands on its head, Aaron killed it and Moses placed some blood on Aaron's right ear, the thumb of his right hand and the big toe of his right foot. Thus was Aaron symbolically devoted entirely to Eternal Am. The rest of the offering was done in accordance with received instructions.
Bread was taken from the basket and Aaron and his sons waved these in front of Eternal Am's presence (the Tent) as a Well-Being offering. Moses did the same with the ram breast and then burned the breast and bread on the altar.
You can never be too stinting of a good sprinkle, so Moses took some more oil and blood and sprinkled them over Aaron (and his not so blue now) clothes, and those of Aaron's sons.
It was the evening of the First Day and Moses saw that it was good: everything was now consecrated. He turned to Aaron.
“Now you are under way to start your service. First however, cook the meat here in front of the Tent – don't go taking it anywhere else; it's all got to be focussed on Eternal Am – and have a meal with the bread. This food is yours. And Burn up any leftovers; we don't want people bagging bits and pieces and being superstitious all over the place. Do not leave this Tent for seven days. As with creation, you will not be ready for service until seven days of preparation are over. Don't cut corners on this: Eternal Am will be counting. “ Moses sniffed.
“And when you've finished, take a bath.”
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
Leviticus 9:1-24
On the day they reckoned as eighth, Drawn-Out called to the Father of priests and his offspring, requesting that he take a tame baby cow and a ram to be ritually slaughtered and burnt on the altar. He commanded them to command their People to do likewise, promising that they would stand in the presence of their Ultimate Concern.
So, they did as ordered and brought the animals to the altar, without blemish.
Moses told Aaron to do the proper thing with the animals, with the slaughtering and the application of blood, and they did likewise, first for their own purification, and then for the People's purification. It was a bloodstained and smoky mess, just as God ordered it to be.
And then Aaron raised his hands and Blessed the People, then he and Moses went into the Tent. Then they came out, blessing the people again, and like stray napalm the Ultimate Concern emerged and reduced the offerings upon the altar to smoke and ash.
Putting fear into proper reverence, the people, seeing this happen, shouted (one may suppose in terror) and grovelled.
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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg
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Autenrieth Road
Shipmate
# 10509
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Posted
Leviticus 10:1-20
Two of the Sons of the Father of Priests, Nadab and Abihu, took their censers, and put coals on their censers, and put incense on their coals, and offered this unholy offering to the Ground Of Their Being! It was unholy because the Ground Of Their Being hadn't told them to do it. So the Ground Of Their Being burned up Nadab and Abihu.
Drawn Out explained to the Father of Priests, "The Ground of Our Being has said 'I will show myself holy among those who are near me, and before all the people I will be glorified.'"
The Father of Priests didn't think this explained much of anything but figured he better not say anything.
It turns out the Father of Priests had an uncle Uzziel and two cousins Mishael and Elzaphan. They haven't been mentioned before because they weren't important yet. But now they have a job to do, so I'm mentioning them. Drawn Out told them to wrap up the bodies of Nadab and Abihu in their coats and carry them out of the camp. So they did.
Drawn Out also told the Father of Priests and his other two sons Eleazar and Ithamar to stay in the Meeting Place and not come out and not to show any traditional signs of mourning, on penalty of death from the Ground Of Their Being. The rest of the tribes of Contends With The Ground Of Their Being would do their mourning for them.
Well, what were they to do? They did what Drawn Out said.
Then tGOTB spoke directly to the Father of Priests and told him not to drink alcohol before going into the Meeting Place on penalty of death. Also to distinguish the holy from the common, the clean from the unclean, and to teach the people everything Moses had already relayed to them from tGOTB.
Then Drawn Out took over the speaking again, and explained to the Father of Priests and his two remaining sons Eleazar and Ithamar about eating the unleavened cereal offerings in the holy place by the altar, but they didn't have to take all their meals at the Bloody Smoky altar: they could eat the waved breasts and the offered thighs anywhere.
The Father of Priests and Eleazar and Ithamar were hoping maybe this was all the instructions for one day, but Drawn Out was being careful to check that everything was being done right.
"What happened," asked Drawn Out, "to the goat for the Missing The Mark offering? Did you eat it like you were supposed to?"
Eleazar and Ithamar looked nervously at each other. "Ummmm, uhhhh, ahhhh, well, uh.... well, in a word, no. We burnt it."
"What!?" yelled Drawn Out. "You were supposed to eat it inside the holy place. Numbskulls! Idiots! How can the Missing The Mark offering make up for the times the tribes of Contends With tGOTB have Missed The Mark if you don't eat it in the holy place?"
The Father of Priests, seeing Eleazar and Ithamar dumbfounded in the face of the wrath of Draw Out, figured he'd better speak up. "Oy, little brother" he said. "The people offered their offerings today as they were supposed to. But such tsuris we've had today with Nadab and Abihu being burnt up, would tGOOB have been happy with me if I'd eaten the Missing The Mark offering today?"
And Drawn Out, even though most of the time these days he got to boss his older brother around, saw that the Father of Priests made sense, and he didn't kvetch about the burnt-not-eaten Missing The Mark offering anymore.
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Truth
Posts: 9559 | From: starlight | Registered: Oct 2005
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
Exodus 11:1-47
Memo: HOW TO TELL IF SOMETHING IS EDIBLE
SECTION 1: LAND ANIMALS
Animals suitable for consumption must have:
a) True hooves (you can tell by the cleft).
b) The habit of chewing cud.
Animals possessing either trait (a) or (b) in isolation are unclean.
Exhibit A: Camel.
While it chews the cud, is does not have a true hoof. DO NOT EAT! UNCLEAN!
Exhibit B: Pig.
While it has true hooves, cleft through, it does not chew the cud. DO NOT EAT! UNCLEAN!
Animals that are officially unclean are not to be eaten. Do not even so much as touch their carcasses, for they are unclean.
SECTION 2: SEA CREATURES
Sea Creatures suitable for consumption must have the following:
a) Fins
b) Scales
If it lives in the water and has neither fins nor scales, it is unclean, and subject to the same regulations as enumerated above.
SECTION 3: BIRDS OF THE AIR
The following are unclean and to be avoided as above:
Eagles, vultures, and black vultures; kites & falcons of every variety; ravens of every variety; ostriches, night hawks, and seagulls; hawks of every variety; little owls, cormorants, and great owls; herons of every variety and hoopoes; and bats.
SECTION 4 WINGED SWARMING THINGS
All winged four-legged things are abominations, but those with the following traits may be eaten:
a) Jointed legs as for hopping, including (and limited to) the following:
Locusts, bald locusts, crickets, and grasshoppers. All other winged walkers are an abomination.
A BRIEF NOTE ON UNCLEANNESS:
The following will make you unclean for an evening if you so much as touch their carcasses:
Animals without cleft hooves and/or those that don't chew cud. Animals that walk on paws.
Contact with them renders you unclean for a day. Take a bath.
SECTION 5: EARTHLY SWARMING THINGS
The following are unclean:
Moles, mice, great lizards, geckos, land crocodiles, lizards, sand lizards, and chameleons.
If the above or the carcass of the above comes into contact with any item, that item is likewise unclean and must be washed, except for pottery which must be destroyed upon discovery. Standing water that comes into contact with them is unclean and must be disposed of, but running water, while it is unable to cleanse the unclean, cannot be polluted. Similarly, dry seeds cannot be made unclean until water is applied to them.
SECTION 6: CORPSES
If a clean animal dies you touch or eat of its corpse, you are unclean for the rest of the day.
SECTION 7: MISCELLANEOUS
Again, earthly swarming things are an abomination. Don't eat anything that swarms on the earth, crawls on its belly, walks on fours, or has many legs. These are abominations.
Don't make yourselves unclean. I, your GOD, an holy, so you should likewise be holy. I brought you out of Egypt to be My People, so you shall be holy as I AM HOLY.
THUS ENDS THE MEMO ON "HOW TO TELL IF SOMETHING IS EDIBLE"
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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg
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Autenrieth Road
Shipmate
# 10509
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Posted
Leviticus 12:1-8
So I went down to the clinic, around back of the Tent of Meeting, for my six-month checkup, and I asked them what to expect, and you are not going to believe this. If it's a boy then I'll be unclean for a week....
Yeah, unclean like when we're on the rag. Anyway, unclean for a week if it's a boy, and then after a week they snip off part of his thingy, and then for 33 more days I'll continue in the blood of my purifying....
No, I don't know what it means, I'm just telling you what they said. And all that time, I can't touch anything Set Apart, or go into the sanctuary....
Yeah, I'm not sure we're ever allowed in the sanctuary at any time either, I failed that pop quiz on Parts Of The Tent Of Meeting and haven't had time to study for the takeover. Anyway, get this, if it's a girl then I'm unclean for two weeks, and continue in the blood of my purifying (whatever that is) for 66 days....
No, I have no idea where they got 33 and 66 from. OK, but that's not all. When the time is up, I'm supposed to go up to the priest at the door of the Tent of Meeting and give him a lamb for a Burnt Up offering and a young pigeon or a turtledove for a Missing The Mark offering. So I said, I'm like not made of money, how am I going to afford all that? And they said I can bring a young pigeon or turtledove in place of the lamb. So two turtledoves I'm going to be juggling, along with a 40-day-old boy or an 80-day-old girl....
What happens next? The same as usual with offerings, the priest offers them up to the Great I Am Who Was And Is And Is To Be For Aye The Same, and makes atonement for me, and then I'll be clean.
Anyway, did you ever hear the like? Hey, are pickles and ice cream on that list of Edible Foods? Cause that would just about hit the spot right now.
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Truth
Posts: 9559 | From: starlight | Registered: Oct 2005
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Nigel M
Shipmate
# 11256
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Posted
Leviticus 13:1-59
And on the subject of hitting the spot...
“Owowowowowwoow!” Thus from the patient.
“Shut up and sit still.” Thus from Aaron in his new role as Priestly-Inspector. “How can I tell if your spot is white or not if you keep lurching every time I hit it?”
“Well? Is it white then?”
“Not any more. Now it's red.”
Aaron took down a heavy tome of papyri from the shelf, assisted by Moses because it was a very heavy tome. The Word of I-Am-In-Various-Tenses-With-You on The Norm, Volume 37. Aaron opened it up at the letter S – actually he had no choice there; entries under 'S' occupied the entire tome.
“Let's see: Scab, Shiny Spot, Swellings... OK. I need to take a look at some of your hair.”
TWANG!
“Owowowowowowowowowowow!!!”
And so the queue wore on. A series of findings flowed from the priestly chair:
“Below The Norm! Tear your clothes, muss up your hair, grow a moustache, and walk outside the camp yelling 'Unclean!' 'Unclean!'”
“Further testing needed! Isolation tent for you, come back in seven days.”
“Normal! Go home.”
Meanwhile a Deputy Priest was working his way through Volume 3, part of the 'B' list (Blisters, Boils, Burns...) and announcing a similar set of findings.
- - - - - -
“It's important” noted Moses, “That we drive home to The People the vital importance of distinguishing between what is normal, what is above the normal and what is below it. They need to understand why the cosmos consists of these three parts and why The People need to bring creation into God's Above The Norm presence by ruling it properly. Not taking care of themselves or their property or the place where their foot stands means deterioration. The priests must act as Inspectors in this regard and take the decisions. Only Normal and Clean is allowed into the camp and the Meeting Tent. Anything below the Norm and contaminated must be put outside, whether person or possession.”
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
Leviticus 14:1-9
The Tale of the Diseased One
Quickly, sweaty feet pounded the sand as the man sprinted. His legs were bearing him with such terrible speed, and his mind so lost in his mission, that he had to come to a screeching, terrified halt before a rope bearing a hand-scrawled sign: PRIESTS ONLY BEYOND THIS POINT. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!
Gathering his breath, he shouted into the tent: "Hey! Priest!"
A hand, stained with blood, pulled aside the curtain. A head emerged, wearing a turban. "Yes? I am here. What is the trouble?"
"It's my brother Joe! We think he's healed! COuld you please come out and inspect him? His daughter is getting married and we don't want him to miss it!"
"Very well. Just a moment." The priest disappeared, reappeared, and pulled aside the rope to let himself out.
Leaving the camp, the runner led the priest to where Joe had encamped himself by a cave to escape the desert heat. The priest examined him. Joe complained. "Ow! Hey! Watch where you're poking!" The priest prodded and inspected Joe in some rather awkward ways, and, seeing him clean, said "Very well. Come with me."
"But the wedding is soon!" griped Joe's bro.
"Then come quickly!" insisted the priest. "This is important!"
The priest walked back to the tent. He called to his subordinates, "I need two clean birds, some cedar wood, hyssop, and some crimson stuff! And make it snappy, he's got a wedding to go to!"
He took the bird, and after wringing its neck, slaughtered it over a stone bowl.
Then he took the other ingredients, including the live bird, and dipped them in the blood of the slaughtered bird. He took all of this, and sprinkled the blood upon Joe, who looked almost as disgusted as the bird, then set the bird free to fly where it would (probably as far from the camp as humanly possible.)
Joe, sprinkled with bird blood, turned to the priest. "Am I clean?"
The priest said "Yes, but you're not allowed to enter your tent for seven days."
"WHAT?"
"You heard me. And then, on the seventh day, I want you to shave all...yes I mean all of the hair off of your body, take a bath, and wash your clothes just to be sure."
Joe's brother said soothing things to Joe, and persuaded him to walk peaceably to his daughter's wedding. The priest looked on and smiled. "You can't be too safe" he muttered to himself.
[To be continued...]
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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg
Posts: 7522 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006
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Nigel M
Shipmate
# 11256
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Posted
Leviticus 14:10-32
“The good thing about a sabbath of days,” confided I-Am-In-Various-Tenses-With-You to Moses, “Is that we all get to have a rest between inspection shifts. So then, after the recently shaved and clean person has had another bath and a good night's rest, he must report back to the Priest-Inspector with three above-the-norm lambs (two male, one female), about 7 litres of flour mixed with olive oil to form the Flour Offering, and 30 centilitres of olive oil on its own. I want to see the offerings and the cleansee at the front of the Meeting Tent, nowhere else.”
The rest of the process followed normal procedures and Moses knew that the priests did love a good barbecue, so he felt confident that only a few tweaks were necessary to accommodate the cleansee.
“Let's see” he mused as he ran the procedure through his mind, “Man stands in front of altar, priest does the whole slaughter thing for the Guilty-Verdict Offering, priest puts cooked items aside for later, priest picks up cup of blood, dab-dab-dab blood on cleansee from top to toe, priest takes some of the oil and sprinkles it around ... no wait ... he's just used his left hand finger to douse the cleansee from the cup in his right hand,” (Moses looked at the imaginary container in his right hand), “It's not clean to do the sprinkling thing with oil. Oh Dear. Major collapse in procedure...”
“It's not an issue” said IAIVTWY, “Have the priest pour the oil into his left palm and then use his right fore-finger to sprinkle the oil.”
“Ah! Of course! That's a relief! OK – Sprinkle, sprinkle, sprinkle – dab-dab-dab, throw in the whole range of sacrifices to make sure we've covered all the bases – job done.”
“Good, “ said IAIVTWY, “You're definitely getting the hang of this. Just add in a section about reductions for people in reduced circumstances to make sure all of The People can afford this procedure and, Bingo, there we have down the processes to follow for confirming someone is normal again. It's good to set standards."
Memo to Self, thought Moses to himself later. Just double check that we don't have any lefties in the priesthood...
Posts: 2826 | From: London, UK | Registered: Apr 2006
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
Leviticus 14:33-55
Moses and Aaron were tinkering around the Tabernacle one day when a voice came from the God-Box.
Listen!
They listened.
So, when you come to the land that I have promised to give you, it may happen that I will see fit to inflict an eruptive plague upon your house...
Aaron gasped. "But! Why would you...?"
Moses, familiar with the way of his ineffable boss, shushed him. "You mean, on the person? Or on the house itself?"
On the house. I believe some of you call this phenomenon "mildew." Anyway, when this happens, I should hope that the owner of the house will come to you...
Aaron had the distinct sensation he was being pointed at.
...or one of your sons saying something like, 'Hey, I got this funky greenish reddish stuff on my wall.' If that should happen, here's what you do.
First, send a priest to the house to confirm if it is as described. You never know with these Israelites...
If the infestation of greenish or reddish streaks appears to go deep into the wall, then the priest is to quarantine the house for no fewer than seven days.
Moses stammered (a bit more than usual,) "But Boss, where shall they live?"
Eh, figure something out. As I was saying, after this time has passed, the priest shall return. If the plague has spread, every stone that touches it shall be tossed into the rubbish heap outside the camp. The house shall be scraped in its entirety, and the scrapings shall be dumped likewise. Replace the polluted stones, and re-plaster the house.
If the plague breaks out in the same house again, tear the whole thing down and toss the remains in the same rubbish heap outside the city.
And the people living in that house shall be unclean until evening, anyone sleeping and eating there must wash their clothes.
On the other hand...
If the priest comes back and the plague has not spread after the house is replastered, then you have to do a ritual.
You will need two birds, cedar wood, hyssop, and some crimson stuff. Slaughter the one bird over a stone bowl of water. Take the cedar, hyssop, crimson stuff, and the live bird, dip them in the blood of the slaughtered bird and the water, and sprinkle the whole mess on the house seven times. Then set the bird free to fly as far as it can. Thus the house will be made clean.
This ritual should be effective for all eruptions.
Aaron looked confused. "Even volcanic ones? And can't we eat the bird?"
Moses smacked him. One got the strange feeling that somewhere in the Box, the most powerful Being in the universe was shaking its head.
{Edited to change "Exodus' to 'Leviticus"}
[ 17. July 2010, 22:38: Message edited by: Moo ]
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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg
Posts: 7522 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006
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Nigel M
Shipmate
# 11256
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Posted
Leviticus 15:1-33
Moses ran his eye over the collection of scrolls he was building up headed The Standard. There were the Standards concerning the separation of those things that had become unclean from those that were clean. In the collection he now had Standards regarding offerings, creatures, garments, and nasty skin eruptions. That wasn't bad as a set of principles when it came to setting Standards for the norm and what fell below it. He'd gone as far as he dared, starting out with things furthest away from the human body and working in, as it were, and he felt that with eruptions he had covered all the basics. Surely now The People would get the idea and be able to apply the principles to all of their lives.
“Ummmm” Hovered Aaron, casting his eyes about anxiously, “Could I borrow you for a second Brother? Delicate matter, need a bit of privacy.”
Moses led the way into a discrete part of the tent, out of earshot of Miriam, the Librarian, Joshua, several children, seven sheep, four doves, a camel, and a goat near the end of its tether. Aaron was shifting his weight from foot to foot, so Moses delicately indicated the direction to the euphemism.
“Huh? Oh No. No, not that” Aaron waved that metaphor off into space. “It's more delicate. Fact is, a chap came into the Meeting Tent just now with a query. Thing is, you see, he was asking about a Standard for determining an uncleanliness”
Moses blew out his cheeks. “Can't they think for themselves? Just use one of the Standards we have in the scrolls and apply it. How about the Offerings Standard? You know – do the right thing in the right way and you won't be frazzled by I-Am-In-Various-Tenses-With-You, the Eternal-Am.”
Aaron shook his head. “While very helpful in its own way,” He said, “That particular Standard doesn't fire me with enthusiasm.”
“Well, the Standard on Creatures, then. You are what you eat.”
Aaron squinted at the tent roof. “Errrrrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmm, I chewed it over, but it doesn't really dish out the answer I need .”
“Garments, then. Wear it well.”
Aaron exhaled at length. “It really doesn't cover this particular case.”
“Well that leaves Eruptions. Surely that Standard gets to the heart of the matter?”
Aaron raised a finger. “In a manner of speaking, but we need something deeper.”
“Well, what? How deep? What are we talking about here?”
Aaron hunted around for the right approach to take on this subject. “It's.... Or rather, it's more.... Sort of..... Erm...”
“O come on! Out with it Man!”
“I'd really rather not.” Confessed Aaron. “It's the, erm, you know, the.... Thing.”
“What thing?”
After a bit of para-linguistic to-ing and fro-ing, Aaron leaned over and whispered in his brother's ear. There was a silence. A pregnant silence. A myriad of thoughts floundered in Moses' mind.
“Oh.” Said Moses.
“So you see, God,” Said Moses a little while later in the Above-The-Norm part of the Meeting Tent, “We haven't really covered all the bases in The Standard just yet. We could do with a ruling on the issue of... erm... thingy. You know. Thingy.”
“Ask him if he's an Hermaphrodite.” Hissed Aaron. Moses' frantic look in his direction put that one on hold.
In due course, Moses had what he needed to add another addendum to The Standard scrolls: The Standard for determining clean from unclean in the case of Thingy Affecting Males and Females. And perhaps not surprisingly the process could indeed have been gleaned from the other Standards. It was still imperative that The People be kept apart from anything that caused them to become unclean and below the norm in case they took that state into the Meeting Tent. And then I-Am-In-Various-Tenses-With-You would have to clean them himself – which did rather tend to be a permanent and final cleansing, and left a terrible mess for the priests to have to clear up.
Posts: 2826 | From: London, UK | Registered: Apr 2006
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
Leviticus 16:1-9
Aaron was still mourning the loss of his sons when the Ultimate Concern spoke to Moses.
Tell this to Aaron:
I hope by now that you understand that you can't just waltz into the Shrine behind hte curtain whenever you please, willy-nilly like, but only under certain conditions.
Here's what must do if you want to enter the Shrine and live. You will need:
Moses grabs a flat rock and a chisel...
- A bull for the sin offering
- 1 bull for a sin offering
- The full sacred vestments
- A bath
- Two he-goats and a ram from the community, the goats for sin and the ram to incinerate.
All of this must be acquired beforehand. he must offer the bull for himself and his household, and then let the goats stand before Myself at the entrance to the Tent of Meeting.
Lots shall be cast for the two goats, one for Me and one for Azazel. The one to be given to Me shall be slaughtered as a sin offering, while the other shall be sent off into the wilderness...
"Hold on," said Moses. "Who's this "Azazel" guy?
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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg
Posts: 7522 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006
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Nigel M
Shipmate
# 11256
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Posted
Leviticus 16:11-34
“Haven't I introduced you before?” Asked I-Am-In-Various-Tenses-With-You. “You'll be aware that there are quite a few messengers of mine in my court room, some of whom have been getting ideas quite above their station and think they can rule nations on their own. Well, Azazel I put in charge of Places of Dusty Stones and Lost Animals, at least until humans could learn how to control those areas properly. I suppose I should introduce you to the other messengers of mine. Hang on a mo.... Oi! Accuser! Are you at home?”
Pause.
“Never mind; he's out again. Hardly ever at court nowadays. Always wandering about in a to-and-fro sort of way collecting evidence. Actually he might be in the wilderness with Azazel – likes a bit of the wilder does our Accuser.”
“By any chance,” asked Moses, “Is there a Messenger of Lost Brooches? Only Miriam is always on at me to ask you about one she dropped several months back and she would like....”
“Now stop right there.” Interposed The Head of The Court, “We are getting off track. I'll have to introduce them gently, over time. I'll get to Michael around Daniels' time, I think.”
"Hold on," said Moses. "Who's this 'Daniel' guy?”
The Supreme Judge of all Being, He who Must be Obeyed, Lord of the Universe, Chief of Staff of the Armies, very nearly became overly anthropomorphic. But that would have destroyed the present genre.
“Next, Aaron is to bring the bull.” Persisted the Lord of All Patience, and Moses got back to etching. "He is to do the whole Slip Up offering thing. In addition for this occasion, however, tell him to take the fire pan with the coals and incense, and put it on the Atonement Cover. This will mean that there will be a smokescreen around the Covenant Box Cover. He can then be sure that he won't die like his sons.
“Right. Having taken care of himself, he is then to do the exact same thing for the rest of the People, using the dedicated goat. This is important. Remind them they cannot just go off and sacrifice what they like, when they like, where they like, and to whom they like. Focus on Me. This whole process is to show them that my Tent, my dwelling place with them, must not be allowed to become tainted by their rebellions and slips ups. Only Aaron can do this process – no ordinary person must come into the Tent until the process for everyone has been completed.
“Finally, Aaron is to cleanse and make ready for use again My Altar. Usual stuff here – sprinkle, sprinkle, sprinkle. Having done all that, he is to bring forward the remaining goat, lay both hands on it, admit the guilt of the People for their rebellions and slip ups (this symbolises the passing of the guilt to the goat), then hand it over to an appointed person to take off into the wilderness. This means the People can see their rebellions and slip ups being taken out of their territory.
“Having done all that, I want Aaron to go back into the Tent, disrobe and have a bath. Yes, I know it's not the month the Ziv; he really is going to have to get used to this. After he is dressed again in normal clothes, he is to do some more of the slaughter thing – this time the Burning So The Offering Goes Up.
“And lastly...what's the matter?”
Moses was massaging his wrist. “Repetitive Slain Injury.” He complained.
“Don't worry, we're nearly there now. The appointed man who led the goat off; he needs to have a bath, too. No, not necessarily with Aaron; I doubt he would be back in time anyway. In fact, have him wash before he comes back into the territory. We don't want to risk someone thinking they have been contaminated all over again, do we? You would run out of goats very quickly that way, even if by way of recompense you have a very clean brother. And just to make absolutely sure, have the man who takes the left-overs from the sacrifice out for burning bath as well before he comes back in.
“There we are, then. I think we've covered all the bases. Oh yes, fix the day for this ceremony. Day 10 of Tishri, every year without fail. Stop the People from working that day. In fact, even the immigrants can have the day off. Obviously once Aaron stops being a priest, whoever is appointed to take over must carry this one in the same way, every year. Now then, how's that wrist of yours?”
- - - -
“Owwwwwwwwww!” Said Miriam, as she pricked her hand after putting it into the family bag of corn, then “Ohhhhhhhhhh!" Said Miriam as her hand came out clutching a brooch.
[Voice off – heaven-wards:] “Michael, would you kindly stop being so overly caring for The People? How are they ever going to grow if you are constantly fighting their own fights?”
Posts: 2826 | From: London, UK | Registered: Apr 2006
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
Leviticus 17:1-14
Sandals slapped sand as the priests plodded with petulance to prevent a profane sacrificial service.
The wannabe butcher looked up. His jaw fell open. "But..."
"There can be no "buts" here, sir. You know the rules. We don't tolerate any unauthorized slaughtering of anything from the herd anywhere. You must take your cattle, your sheep, and your goats to the Tent of Meeting to be slaughtered. None of this under-the-table rubbish!"
The miscreant opened his mouth, but even as he took breath, the priest continued.
"What do you think would happen if The Boss had seen this? Had known that we, His People, were allowing unauthorized sacrifices?"
"But I was only..."
"Only! Only slaughtering a cow! One of God's creatures! You dare to slaughter an animal without making the proper offering to God of the animal's blood, it's very life? Why, you might as well make offering to the wild goat demons of the wilderness! And what is that?"
The priest stuck out his finger impudently, rubbing it along the poor butcher's lip.
Is this Blood? Have you been...
"But the wise woman over there told me it was..."
The high priest gave a meaningful glance to his second-in-command, and the butcher clammed up.
"This is an abomination," the priest growled, you are not to partake of the blood of any living animal yourself. At the very least, you should have buried it in the ground to be returned to the one from which it came. Disgusting!
The other priests similarly looked utterly revolted. The butcher looked terrified.
Therefore, in the presence of these witnesses," (as a small crowd had gathered), "I hereby declare you to be cut off from the people! Begone!"
The butcher stood, quietly, and began to gather his things for the long trip...somewhere...
Maybe he could make friends with some of those goat demons the priest was ranting about.[b]
[ 10. September 2010, 21:21: Message edited by: Bullfrog. ]
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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg
Posts: 7522 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
![[Killing me]](graemlins/killingme.gif) [The butt-kicking line in Heaven is gonna be mighty long for some of y'all. Well done.]
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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pimple
Ship's Irruption
# 10635
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Posted
[Bump] Please go on! I was so enjoying this!
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In other words, just because I made it all up, doesn't mean it isn't true (Reginald Hill)
Posts: 8018 | From: Wonderland | Registered: Nov 2005
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Moo
Ship's tough old bird
# 107
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Posted
Me too.
I can't do it but I love reading it.
Moo
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Kerygmania host
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See you later, alligator.
Posts: 20365 | From: Alleghany Mountains of Virginia | Registered: May 2001
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
Leviticus 17:15-16
"I'm starving," Moses thought. "How long has it been since those manna pancakes? Never mind," as he lay down the chisel and reached into his backpack. "The one good thing about God's people is that they never look where they're going. Which is why I get to eat roadkill sandwich today--"
"STOP!" thundered the Most High. "EWWWWWWWW! I mean, that is against My Law. No roadkill. No eating anything you find dead on the side of the road. That's just DISGUSTING."
[Moses' face fell as his stomach gave an almighty growl]
"Okay! Fine!" said the Voice, in accents of distaste. "But take a bath afterward, please? And brush your teeth. And for My sake, stay AWAY from My presence for at least a day. Roadkill breath-- ![[Projectile]](graemlins/puke2.gif) But then--" the Voice suddenly brightened--"there ISN'T any water on this mountain, which means you can't take a bath. So--"
Moses looked sadly at his sandwich and put it away.
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
Leviticus 18:1-18
The weary scribe picks up his chisel...
Now, I don't want you to do it like they do it in the Nile's channel! And neither shall you get down like a Canaanite! If an Amelekite stuck his willie into wooden log, would you? I think not! You shall not follow their, ahem, customs, but the ones that I am about to lay down before you.
Do not walk in on your relatives as they are naked.
The chisel stopped. "You mean like my dad?"
I mean your parents! You should not walk in while they are undressed. It's just wrooong.
And don't walk in on your father's wife, even if she isn't your mother, for she too is of your flesh.
And neither your sister, nor your sisters on your mother's or on your father's side. And you shall certainly not look at the nakedness of your father's wife.
But what if she's cute?
I SAID DON'T DO THAT! THERE CAN BE NO EXCUSE! AM I NOT YOUR GOD AND YOU NOT THE REPRESENTATIVE OF MY PEOPLE!!!!
*awkward silence*
Very well. The same goes for your grandchildren, for they are your own flesh.
"Um, ew."
Exactly. And you also shall not undress your stepsisters, your maternal and paternal aunts, by marriage or by blood. The same goes for your daughters-in-law, sisters-in-law, or any combination of women who are related to each other.
"Do you really need to be so specific?"
Yes.
*Sigh*
And the same goes for your nieces and nephews. And don't be playing sisters off against each other by means of their nakedness. That just ain't cool.
"So...couldn't you have just said "don't mess sex and family?" and been done with that?"
No.
"Why not?"
Some prick would have found a loophole.
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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg
Posts: 7522 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
![[Overused]](graemlins/notworthy.gif)
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Hedgehog
Ship's Shortstop
# 14125
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Posted
Leviticus 18:19-47
“On the subject of sex, don’t have any with a woman during the uncleanness of her monthly period.”
“Oh, that should be easy. She’s not in a good temper during those days anyway. Happy to avoid her.”
“No sex with the wife of a fellow citizen.”
“How about non-citizen wives? Are they fair game?”
“We’ll get to that later. But speaking of filthy foreigners, do not give the fruit of your loins to Moloch. I really hate that.”
“Yes, yes! I remember how ticked you were with the Golden What’sit. There are no other gods but you, Chief!”
“Don’t have sex with a man like you would with a woman.”
“Ummm, is that even physically possible? I mean…”
“It is probably better that I don't explain that to you. Just don’t do it. It is a repugnant act that foreigners do.”
“Would that be the French that I hear so much about?”
“Never mind. Also, neither man nor woman should have sex with any animal.”
“Aaron’s not gonna want to hear that.”
“Screw him.”
“I thought you just told me not to.”
“I was being metaphorical.”
“Oh.”
“The bottom line is, don’t do these things. I am about to clear out some land for you and The People™. And to do that, I have to drive out the people that are already there. They do these detestable things…”
“Foreigners, huh?”
“…and they have defiled the land because of it. So I will punish them and the land will vomit them out. Don’t you follow their practices or the land will vomit you out. If you catch any of The People™ doing it, then that person is no longer of The People™ and should be thrown out and there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth.”
“Not to mention some sweating and groaning…”
The Many-Tenses One sighed. “Just don’t do it, okay? I can’t make it plainer than that.”
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"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'
Posts: 2740 | From: Delaware, USA | Registered: Sep 2008
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Hedgehog
Ship's Shortstop
# 14125
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Posted
Leviticus 19: 1-14
The Big Boss continued:
Tell the People™ this: Honor your mother and father. Keep holy the Sabbath. Do not have false gods before Me.
A look of puzzlement flashed across Moses' face. He flipped frantically through his notes. Didn't they already do this bit? "Yes. Here it is," he thought. "On tablet 20 in the pile of notes that I like to think of as Exodus."
Eat the Well-Being Offering on the same day you offer it. Or the next day. By the third day it will be spoiled and whoever eats it will be very sorry.
"Well, duh!" thought Moses. "It's not like we have refrigeration to keep things fresh. And I am pretty sure we covered this already, too," he added, flipping through his notes.
Also, be a little inefficient when you gather in the harvest or pick the grapes in the vineyard. Leave a little for the poor and foreigners to nosh on as they pass by.
Moses' look of puzzlement deepened. Weren't the foreigners supposed to be vomited off the land? He shook his head wearily. It had been a long day.
Do not steal. Do not lie...
Moses sighed heavily. Did he really have to write all this down again?????
Do not bear false witness. Don't take My name in vain. Don't rob or defraud your neighbor...
"Is that different from not stealing from them?" Moses thought, sarcastically.
Don't cheat your employees of their wages or collective bargaining rights. Don't curse at a deaf person or try to trip a blind person. FEAR ME!!!
At that point, the thing that Moses was most fearing was that I Am Etc. was going to repeat everything that He had already said.
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"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'
Posts: 2740 | From: Delaware, USA | Registered: Sep 2008
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Hedgehog
Ship's Shortstop
# 14125
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Posted
Leviticus 19:15-19
The Everlasting Am What Am then stated:
"When making judgments, always be fair & balanced---Hmmmmm. I wonder if I should copyright that phrase? I'd hate to be outfoxed."
"It's okay," said Moses proudly. "I've written it down. It should be easy to prove that You used it first."
"To resume: Don't be sneaky. Or underhanded. Or deceptive. Or callous to your neighbor..."
"Blimey," Moses muttered. "That ain't gonna be half hard to do. I live next to Aaron."
"Don't hate your brother. No matter how tempting it might be. Besides, I already explained what I meant by 'neighbor.' Anyway, don't do heartless stuff like sitting idly by while your neighbor gets murdered. But if your neighbor commits sin, then also do not hesitate to call him on it. I am talking about being fair & balanced, not being a fluffy bunny. But don't hold a grudge. Love your neighbor. But I mean that in a sort of Platonic way. Don't forget all those restrictions about sex that I already warned you about."
"Which reminds me," said Moses, brightening a little. "You mentioned some special rules for having sex with non-citizens. Could we get to those please?"
"In a moment. First we have to deal with the really crucially important stuff: (1) Don't cross-breed your animals. Absolutely no Labradoodles! (2) Don't sow two different crops in your field, no matter how much environmental sense it may make. (3) Never, ever wear clothes made of more than one fabric..."
Moses blinked his eyes rapidly, but then began to chuckle. "You're just winding me up now, aren't you?"
The Am Of All Time chuckled. "You should have seen your face! Okay, here are the rules for non-citizen sex."
Moses perked up and sharpened his chisel.
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"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'
Posts: 2740 | From: Delaware, USA | Registered: Sep 2008
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Nigel M
Shipmate
# 11256
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Posted
Leviticus 19:20-37
“I've got a case in my court list at the moment,” mused Moses, “involving a servant of the female type who was already engaged to marry a man, when another man slept with her. 'Sleep' as in the complete euphemism, I mean. Now obviously under normal conditions that's a No-No, but this servant's tenure had not yet ended, so the man of the first part has lost value on the deal. Swift stoning doesn't seem to meet the need here. What do you advise?”
“Appropriate compensation.” Answered I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-WITH-YOU. “It's not appropriate to impose capital punishment in that case. However, the man of the second part needs forgiveness, so he must do the Guilty thing with a priest and guilt-ram at the front of My Tent. Then he will be forgiven.
“Right.” Continued the Master-of-Temporal-Paradoxes “Back to the Proscribed activities.
“First: when My People arrive in the land, DO NOT eat any fruit from trees you plant until after three years in. Fruit from the fourth year must be offered to me (in case the people forget which God gave them the fruit), but after that they can eat all the fruit they like.
“Next items on the list:
DO NOT eat anything with the blood still in it.
DO NOT try to acquire knowledge via lesser gods. Snakes included.
DO NOT engage in hairdressing – at least not to match Egyptian coiffure.
DO NOT lacerate your bodies when mourning. Far too Ugaritic for my liking.
DO NOT tattoo your bodies. Highly pagan.
DO NOT forget – I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-WITH-YOU. I am not like the other gods.”
“Yes – got that.” Moses popped his hand up. “Just to get back to the illicit sexual theme for a moment, if you don't mind. I've got another case in the lists: a father who is demanding that his daughter take up the ancient and possibly venerable community activity often associated with a men of several parts. Is he allowed to do that?”
“No. He must not. The people must not start that sort of thing off in the land. It would dishonour the daughter obscenely. OK - back to the main theme. Some positives next:
My Weekend MUST be kept.
My shelter MUST be respected.
DO NOT forget – I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-WITH-YOU. I am not like the other gods. And while we're on that subject:
DO NOT try communicating with the dead.
DO NOT try to seek out ghosts. This will just make you worse than common.
DO NOT forget – I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-WITH-YOU.”
“Absolutely.” Concurred Moses. “They can consult with little old me if they need guidance, eh? Which reminds me; although I'm not quite dead yet, some of the younger whippersnappers in the camp are behaving really quite rudely to us oldies. I'm not sure they respect our knowledge and guidance.”
“Too much contact with the urban scene, I fear.” Responded The Fear. “Which brings me nicely to:
Those with silvery white hair MUST be treated with respect.
Those with long white beards MUST be honoured.
For these purposes, assume that I have the whitest hair and longest beard of all.”
Moses wiggled his beard in appreciation.
“And while we are about respect to others, let me deal with immigrants:
DO NOT take advantage of immigrants. They are to be treated as you would treat a fully blown citizen. Remember that you were once immigrants.
DO NOT forget – I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-WITH-YOU.
DO NOT use incorrect measurements. Keep your transactions honest – all of them.
Right. Now, Moses, it's important that you keep banging on about me. This people will easily try to copy those around them. They MUST remember that I am the one who delivered them from the most powerful nation on earth. They MUST follow my regulations, not those of other gods.
DO NOT forget – I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-WITH-YOU.”
Posts: 2826 | From: London, UK | Registered: Apr 2006
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
Leviticus 20:1-16
And, by the way, Moses?
Yeah?
Do not ever offer your children to Molech.
Moses:...
Just don't. If anyone does, know that I will set my face against them and against their families and their children. That's so wrong I'm kind of amazed I even need to tell you this, but apparently it's necessary.
Oh yeah, and don't go to to mediums or wizards, selling your body to them. Same punishment applies. You're supposed to be holy, so be holy. Listen to what I say and remember that I am the one who rescued you from Egypt. I AM the one who sanctifies you.
And anyone who curses their parents should be put to death. They did it, and so their blood is on their own heads.
Same goes for those [men] who commit adultery with their neighbor's spouse, their father's wife, their daughter in law, with another man, those who simultaneously sleep with their wife and their mother...
Moses' jaw dropped.
Hey it happens. And in that last case they should be burned alive. Where was I? Oh yeah. If a guy sleeps with an animal, kill him and the animal. And if a woman...
Moses looked a bit green.
You get the point. In these cases, kill all parties involved. Their blood is upon them.
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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg
Posts: 7522 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006
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Nigel M
Shipmate
# 11256
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Posted
Leviticus 20:17-27
Moses was acquiring quite a good understanding of the ways of living and working among the assorted nations round about. Most of this knowledge came from the court cases his junior judges felt needed input from the mind of God. “She did what? With a donkey??? Excuse me - I'm need to adjourn my decision.” And so a series of well worn paths appeared from the tribal head tents to Moses' tent.
“Excuse me Moses, but case number 42/165794G needs your help. Here are the relevant tablet records; the witnesses are outside.”
And a well worn path appeared from Moses' tent to The Tent.
He-Who-Was-NOT-One-Of-The-Other-Gods laid down the law.
“While we are on the subject of separating my people apart from the nations and of being different, you must take steps to do away with a few more activities going on in the camp. To wit:
Any man who takes his sister, must be excommunicated. I will have nothing further to do with them. By the way, you do understand what I mean by 'take' in this context, don't you?”
“Well, just reading back on the laws in this section, I think I get the drift.”
“You can picture what I mean, though, Moses? Moses? MOSES!”
“Oh – sorry – mind wandered a bit there. Yes I get the picture.” By the way, what about the step-sisters case?”
“Any sister. They have voluntarily absolutely shamed their families and the two of them must be cut off. Outlaw them. Same goes for man and woman sleeping together during her time of the month. Outlaw them both.”
“What about the man who slept with his father's sister?”
“Ah. You've come across that one, too, hmm? The uncle has been absolutely shamed there. Outlaw. I won't permit the man and his aunt to have a name and heritage among my people.”
“Oh – and the sister in law?”
“Outlaw, outlaw, outlaw. Carry the principle over to related cases Moses, or we'll be here until Megiddo falls. Ram home to My People that they MUST obey all those scratchings you have on your tablets and all the case laws. The land I am giving to them will not tolerate them if they don't, just like I am going to eject the current inhabitants for being out of my law. My People must be different from them. Be clear about the differences between what I regard as normal and what is abnormal – including animals and birds. You are all to be clearly different and dedicated to ME, not any other god, because I am clearly different to them. That's why you must execute anyone who sells their life to speak for another god.”
And Aaron heaved a huge sigh of relief that he was well out of it all.
Posts: 2826 | From: London, UK | Registered: Apr 2006
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shamwari
Shipmate
# 15556
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Posted
Leviticus 21 vv 1 - 22
The Uno Numero amongst the deities of the nations came down in the cool of the evening for the usual sundowner.
" Moses A quiet word in your ear if you don't mind"
I'm all ears said Moses.
"It has come to my attention that members of our Trade Union are behaving unseemly"
"In the first place they do not observe the mourning proceedure in keeping with their position. Too many outward signs of grief. Its one thing to grieve inwardly for nearest and dearest. Its another thing to dress up in funereal black and join in with crocodile tears whilst singing "I did it my way"
But, if we don't the people will think we are heartless said Moses.
"Not only that but I prohibit tonsures on the head" saith Numero Uno.
"Moses keep your dignity, and the priests likewise.
Thats not all. You lot not only mourn indecently but you marry indecently. I long ago commanded that marriage with a "stranger" is permitted so long as she is not a Canaanite or an idolatress."
"Tough call" said Moses. Our choice is limited. Especially since we have to avoid divorcees and adulteresses as well.
Its a small pond we are fishing in."
"It gets smaller" said Numero Uno.
"There are a number of priests who should be disqualified anyway. Many of them are tattooed' some are hunchbacks, others are deformed in various ways from their testicles upwards. Some of them might have ADHD or be dyslexic for all I know.
They can share in eating the sacrifices offered. They may NOT offer the sacrifice.
Get the picture? Just do it."
Posts: 1914 | From: from the abyss of misunderstanding | Registered: Mar 2010
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
Leviticus 21:23-24
And again, nobody with any deformities may come near my altar as a priest. I'm the one who sanctifies them, and y'all as well. You must do as I say.
Moses stammered. A-a-a-and...if we don't?
You don't even want to think about it.
Moses walked up to Aaron later, and his sons.
So...God told me that none of the priests may have any deformities. None, if you get my drift.
Aaron looked worried. Does this mean we have to, erm, inspect them?
"Work it out for yourselves. Just make sure it doesn't happen." Moses looked significantly back toward the God-box. And then he went to announce all of this to The People.
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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg
Posts: 7522 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006
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Nigel M
Shipmate
# 11256
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Posted
Leviticus 23:1-22
“No! Really? Two years already? We've been at this mountain for two years??? In some ways it seems like only yesterday we left Egypt. Mind you, in other ways,” and here Moses massaged his etching hand, “it seems an eternity.”
Aaron agreed, although it was his sprinkling wrist he massaged. “I suppose we ought to celebrate it somehow.” He mused. “How about this Thursday? I've got that day off for the Thoth festival.”
Moses considered this. “No, not Thursday; Miriam will be preparing for the Procession of Min. Next Monday?”
“No good I'm afraid,” came back Aaron, “Wag festival that day.”
“You know,” reflected Moses, “I'm not so sure the people should still be celebrating all those Egyptian festivals. After all, we are meant to be different. What festivals should we be keeping, I wonder?” He looked wearily at The Tent. He looked even more wearily at the pile of blank tablets.
“Scribe!” He bellowed. Answer came there none.
“Sokar festival” illumined Aaron.
“Why is he always on holiday when there's work to be done? Oh well...” And picking up the tools, Moses plodded over to the mind of I-Am-In-Various-Tenses-and-Tents-With-You.
- - -
And I-Am-In-Various-Tenses-With-You did spake unto Moses thusly.
“Speak thusly unto the sons of Israel and thusly spake unto them.”
“A tad formal today, aren't we?” Queried Moses.” And should it really be 'spake'?”
“I am in various tenses” replied I-Am-etc. “And if we don't establish a formal language base for My People, how are they to be different from all those other Arameans?” “However, I'll leave it to an appropriate scribe to do the formal headers and footers. Back to the matter at hand: Which feasts and When? Which are mine and must be the only feasts for The People? They will be Different Meetings.”
Moses frowned. “That sounds as though all the fun will be taken out of them.”
God beamed. “Fun leads to legal cases. Legal cases lead to rulings. Rulings lead to massaging of etching hands.”
“Point taken. Different Meetings” etched Moses.
“Let's start with the basics. The first six days of a week are normal, clean, days. Day Seven, however, is for absolute rest. It is a Different Meeting day. What is Day Seven?”
“A Different Meeting day” etched Moses.
“Exactly. 'Different' as in better than merely clean; it's above the norm. Applies everywhere. No normal existence that day. It's My Day Off.
“Now, getting down to Feasts. The following are My Feasts; Different Meeting Feasts. What kind of Feasts are they?”
“Different Meeting Feasts” etched Moses.
“Excellent. First one: First month of the year (when you left Egypt), and the fourteenth day around sunset. This will be My Protection festival. Next day will be My Dough-less Bread festival. That will last for seven days – days one and seven will be Different Meeting days as well with no normal clean activities, only above the norm. Offer up offerings to Me during these seven days.
“Next up: Harvest. When The People start harvesting crops in the land I will give them, they must give the very first of the crop to the priest, who must hold it up publicly before Me on the first day of the week for it to be acceptable. When the priest does this, he must also sacrifice a one-year old lamb (don't forget the defects rule I gave you earlier). That's for Me. Add in the usual grain, flour and oil offerings; they always go down well. Throw in a litre of wine, too; that goes down even better. Make it clear that no bread from this harvest is to be eaten until this Feast has been completed. Clear?”
“Different Harvest Meetings” etched Moses.
“Magnificent. Right; moving on. From that first day of the week, when the first of the harvest is brought to the priest and shown to all, count forward seven full weeks – fifty days – to the day after the seventh My Days Off. On that day present a grain offering from the new crop. From all over the country, bring a couple of loaves made from the usual (flour, yeast) to hold up as a representative of the new crop before Me. Along with the bread, do in seven year-old (defectless, remember) lambs, one young bull and a couple of rams. Burn them up with the bread and wine – nice stuff.
“Mind you – on reflection – too much of a good thing leads to case law. Better have them do the Slip Up offering and throw in a Well-Being offering as well. Have the priest hold up the offering publicly; these will be Different Offerings on behalf of the priest and the day will be a Different Meeting Day with no normal work done by anyone anywhere, any time.
“Just in case, remind The People that when they do harvest their fields, leave the edges and left-overs for those on benefit and the immigrants. That's me done for moment.”
Moses massaged. “It's actually quite nice not to be banging on about illicit sex for a change,” he mused.
“Yes,” replied He-Who-Bangs-On. “But when you go to read these laws to The People, I suggest you don't invite them to come up and see your etchings.”
Posts: 2826 | From: London, UK | Registered: Apr 2006
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Hedgehog
Ship's Shortstop
# 14125
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Posted
Leviticus 23:23-44
After giving Moses a decent amount of time to rest, I-Am-In-Various-Tenses proclaimed:
“It would be a Good Idea to arrange for the People™ to have the occasional rest as well. Therefore, on the first day of the seventh month you will have another Different Meeting Feast--the Feast of Toots!”
“Toots?” asked Moses, reasonably enough.
“So called because it is to be announced by tooting on a ram's horn. When the People™ hear the toot, they will know that they are to take it easy. A complete day of complete rest.”
“That sounds like fun! Thanks!”
“Yes. You might remind them to thank Me on that day. A present will be nice.” He-Who-Bangs-On then paused. “Still, you know what too much fun does…”
“Case law,” moaned Moses unhappily.
“Exactly. So let Me take the opportunity to remind you about the Sorry Day I mentioned earlier. Slip-up offerings, atonement, all of that.”
“Oh, yes!” said Moses, perking up a bit. “I have all the notes HERE!"
I-Am-etc. glanced at the notes. “Yes. That’s the one. Tenth day of the seventh month. Looking at your notes, I should add that I want the People™ to show that they really get the point of the day.”
“Gifts?” asked Moses.
“Well, naturally. But what I was actually thinking was that from sundown of the ninth day and for the whole duration of Sorry Day, have everybody practice humility. In point of fact, more than just practice it--everybody should actually BE humble. If somebody can’t be humble after all that I have done for them, that person should be cut off from the People™. Outta here.
And, of course, Sorry Day is also a day of rest. If anybody dares to do regular work on that day, I shall personally make sure that that person will be doing nothing--ever again. Get my point?”
Moses gulped. “Yes,” he said with great humility and trying not to look like he was working at it.
The-One-Who-Just-Keeps-On-Talking then said:
“After Sorry Day, I think another feast is in order. On the 15th day of the seventh month there will be the week-long Feast of Shacks!”
“Shacks?” asked Moses, bewildered. “Well, that’s…different.”
“Yes, it is a Different Meeting Feast. Good on you for remembering that. On the first day of the Feast of Shacks, do no regular work. On all seven days, a little gift to me would be expected. Burnt offering; grain offering; sacrifice; drink offering--Me knows I have given enough ways for you to show your appreciation. But don’t forget to do the regularly scheduled offerings as well--no penny-pinching! This is a pilgrim festival to Me! On the eighth day, hold a Different Meeting Day which, of course, is a day of rest.
On the first day of the Feast of Shacks, just to get everything underway, take some branches from some nice trees--palm branches, willows, what have you--and use those to rejoice before Me. But remember not to work too hard getting those branches because, after all, it is a day of rest.”
“Ummmm, why ‘Shacks’?” asked Moses.
“Didn’t I mention that bit? During the feast, the People™ are to live in shacks, lean-tos, tents, things like that. It commemorates your own exodus from Egypt. The Feast of Shacks is to make sure that future generations remember that it was I who brought them out of Egypt.”
“Oh, I am sure that everybody will always remember that, Boss. I mean, how could they not?”
“You’d be surprised.”
So Moses went to the Israelites and made sure they had all the Different Meeting Feasts and Days entered into their Daytimers.
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"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'
Posts: 2740 | From: Delaware, USA | Registered: Sep 2008
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Chamois
Shipmate
# 16204
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Posted
Leviticus 24:1-9
The monthly management committee meeting of the Ladies Who Serve At The Entrance To The Tent Of Meeting had been discussing agenda item 2 since the sun was at its highest. Aaron, who was in the chair, tried to move the meeting on.
“So can I take it that the committee agrees that when a cake doesn’t rise it’s because the oven was too cold?”
Unfortunately his suggestion unleashed a torrent of contempt for male ignorance.
“It could be that the oven was too hot,” cried Mrs Finkelstein, “My daughter-in-law, she always over-heats the oven. Delilah, I say to her, the outside will be dry and burnt before the inside has time to heat up, but will she listen? You might as well be talking to a wall. And all my son will say is a bit of burnt flour is good for digestion.”
“You have to mix the fat and flour properly,” said Mrs Goldblatt, “My second daughter-in-law, she never mixes the dough well. Such lumps my worst enemy should see.”
This remark prompted one of Miriam’s rare contributions. “When we lived in Egypt,” said Miriam dreamily, “I used to make a lovely fatless sponge cake.”
The older ladies were tolerant of Miriam as a mystic and prophetess but didn’t rate her practical abilities highly.
“That’s right, Schätzlein,” said Mrs Finkelstein soothingly, “But for a fatless sponge you need egg whites. Where are we to get fresh eggs out here in the desert?”
“The Lord GOD sent all those quails,” replied Miriam, “Couldn't Moses ask HIM to send some more and get them to lay some eggs this time?”
Aaron tried again. “May I remind you, ladies, that what we’re trying to do today is produce a set of fail-safe directions for the priests to use when preparing twelve cakes to offer to the Lord GOD every Sabbath. We don’t want to have to rely on a miracle every week, we need a practical recipe the priests can prepare using ingredients we have with us. And may I remind you all that the priests who will be preparing these cakes are my sons and while they’re good lads I don’t think they’ll be as talented at cooking as your daughters-in-law, and certainly not nearly as talented as you are.”
There was a short silence while the committee considered the likely cooking abilities of Aaron’s sons.
“Who gets to eat these cakes?” asked Mrs Goldblatt suspiciously.
Aaron looked at Moses for guidance.
“The priests”, said Moses briefly.
“Does that include you?” asked Aaron
“Definitely not,” replied Moses, “Just you and your sons.”
“Right,” said Aaron, “So we absolutely must have a one-hundred-percent fail-safe recipe”.
“Mix the fat and the flour really thoroughly,” repeated Mrs Goldblatt, “And you’ll need to give them the exact quantities and they’ll have to have the oven at the right temperature.”
Aaron wondered whether it might not be better in the long run for the sanity and morals of the priests if the Ladies didn’t serve at the Entrance To The Tent Of Meeting. He made a mental note to discuss this with his sons at the first opportunity.
“What else is on our agenda today, Moses?” he asked
“Well we’ve dealt with the oil for the lamps,” said Moses, “But we still need to discuss the cleaning rota for the Entrance To the Tent of Meeting the morning after the Sabbath. All that animal dung……”
“Right,” said Aaron again, even more decisively, “Moses, please minute that twelve cakes of fine flour are to be prepared and offered every Sabbath with incense, and that the committee will come to our next meeting with an agreed procedure for making them, including ingredients, quantities and oven temperature. Now I think we should move on to the next agenda item if we’re going to be finished by sundown.”
“I’m sure the Lord GOD would appreciate my fatless sponge cake,” murmured Miriam.
“That Miriam,” whispered Mrs Finkelstein to Mrs Goldblatt, “So what does a prophetess know from baking?”
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The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases
Posts: 978 | From: Hill of roses | Registered: Feb 2011
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Nigel M
Shipmate
# 11256
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Posted
Leviticus 24:10-23
“It's a tricky one, this.” Mused Moses, pacing slowly from one side to the other of the place set apart for the presence of I-Am-In-Various-Tents-With-You. “I've got your ruling on...”
There was a clatter as Aaron tripped through the curtain and brought down one of the eternal flaming candlesticks. “Sorry. Whoa – catch that wick someone – we'll need it later.” Aaron's two sons scrabbled to rearrange the candlestick and keep the home fires burning. “Many thanks. Would've done that meself, but it's the Accuser’s own job bending down with this girdle on. Now then; what's my brother up to today?”
“I'm having a quiet time with The Presence, seeking The Mind on a matter of law.”
“Ah! Magnificent! Very good. Carry on. We'll leave you to it.”
Pause. Aaron perused the accoutrements in the Meeting Tent. Moses resumed, attempting to focus.
“Anyway, as I was saying, I do have your ruling on not misusing your Name, which seems clear enough. Aaron, would you mind not whistling through your teeth and rocking back and forth on your sandals like that? It's distracting.”
“Sorry! Just trying to help.” Aaron tensed, adopted what would in another place be termed the Crane-By-Lotus-Flower position, and kicked a speck of dust off the second lamp. “That's better. Don't mind me. Carry on.”
Moses refocussed away from the mental image of a girlded Aaron doing high kicks. “However, I have a case where the offender is not exactly all there, as it were, among The People. He is half-way in, if you get my drift. Mother all there, Mrs. Shelomith, Bat-Divri of Dan. Fully Kosher. Dad, however, absent father from The Most Powerful Nation On Earth. There's a group of people in this position – they tend to have their camp at the edge of ours, not really fitting clearly into the native Norm, as it were. Anyway, offender came into the main camp, got into a fight with a kosher member of The People, and I am sorry to say did pretty much Rape your Name. The People who heard it are holding the offender in custody until I can give a ruling. What do we do with the rules in the case of those who are somewhat halfway in and out of the Norm? It's a serious case and...”
“Whoa – is that a plate of mother Goldblatt's cookies on the Table?” Cue flurry of priestly activity around said plate. Cue steady sound of chomping. Cue smacking of lips. “Right,” said a satisfied Aaron, “We're pretty much finished here. All in order and nothing out of place.” Cue steady departure of priests from the tented area of the Testimony.
”Hard to find a place where one can hear The Mind, isn't it?” Spoke I-Am-In-Various-Tenses-With-You to Moses, who sighed.
“As to your case; it matters not whether an offender is fully Normed-up as a member of The People, or a migrant. They have the same rights, they must also have the same responsibilities. Just as the nations hold responsible anyone who curses their god, so must you hold responsible anyone who violates My Name. Have the witnesses take this offender back to his camp, confirm their testimony, and then all the leaders must stone him as this is an offence against the entire community as much as it is against me. This principle applies to all cases; the same law for all – native, half-native, or migrant. Remind The People that I am their god and my name is I-Am-In-Various-Tenses-With-You.”
So Moses did. And The People did, too.
Posts: 2826 | From: London, UK | Registered: Apr 2006
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Chamois
Shipmate
# 16204
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Posted
Leviticus 23:13-27 (re-visited)
Tension is mounting in the camp this month over the stoning of the son of Shelomith, daughter of Dibri. Elements in the half-people’s campsite are alleging that the execution may have been unlawful.
“We are gravely concerned about this incident,” said an Israelite/Egyptian community leader, “A camp member who is not a full-blooded Israelite has been executed under Israelite law. His relatives and tribal leaders feel strongly that this is discriminatory and may well have infringed his human rights. We are calling for an independent public enquiry into the circumstances of this case.”
Meanwhile younger elements in the camp are calling for action. “This was bang out-of-order,” stated one young man to our roving reporter, “Half-people are not receiving equal benefits under the law so they should not receive equal penalties. We are preparing to march to Strasbourg to assert our rights. Our goats are pretty fast travellers so we should get there in a couple of decades.”
Even the older members of the half-people’s community are expressing their reservations about the execution. “This incident has called into question how well Moses and Aaron are representing our constituency,” says one tribal elder, “Some people are suggesting that Moses was unwilling to put our member’s case fairly to the Lord GOD because he thought the earth might open up and swallow him. This is simply not acceptable. No taxation without representation.”
Full-blooded Israelites are also calling for clarification of how the law applies to aliens. “The current situation is thoroughly unsatisfactory,” states Zebah son of Jahzeel of the tribe of Naphtali, “We need a definitive ruling on the rights of part-Israelites and foreigners. What’s going to happen when we finally get to the Promised Land? Will foreigners be allowed to buy and inherit land? Will the law allow them to buy and inherit Israelite slaves? We envisage a situation developing where our Promised Land ends up belonging to foreigners and the Israelites will be working for them as slaves and day-labourers. It’s all very well for Moses to say, ‘The same law for the sojourner and the native’ but somebody needs to think about the consequences. We’re calling on Moses as a matter of urgency to go back to the Lord GOD and request further guidance on these issues.”
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The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases
Posts: 978 | From: Hill of roses | Registered: Feb 2011
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
Leviticus 25:1-7
Moses returned to the tent. He emerged from the tent. He spaketh the following:
"You know what? How long have we been out here now?"
A murmur of confusion wafted through the crowd. A lone voice arose. "About six years?"
Moses responded: "Yes! Now, you know what happens every seven-day, right?"
More murmuring. "A day off?"
Moses continued: "Correct again! Now, if you get a day off every seven days, what do you think ought to happen every seven years?"
A stunned silence followed. "A year off?"
Yes. For you, for the land, and for every single person who lives in your midst, no matter how normed. I am the Lord. No sowing, no pruning, no harvesting. All of you shall live simply off of what the land provides.
In the ensuing confused jubilation, the previous matter was lost.
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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg
Posts: 7522 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006
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Nigel M
Shipmate
# 11256
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Posted
Leviticus 25:8-12
The God of all Sevens cracked his knuckles [ed. this piece of anthropomorphism would never have been tolerated in scrolls later copied in the Temple. However, this being a wilderness, knuckles were fair game].
“I appreciate it's been pretty hard going so far with these regulations – all work and no play – so let's scale up the fun part, shall we? I've dealt with Different Days and Different Years. Now, if you keep a careful note of the years that pass, how many years will it take to get to a Different Year of Different Years?”
“Oooh!” Said Moses, “Mathematical exam time. Hold on, let me get the abacus. OK. Red pebble to the right – no left – no yellow pebble to left.... this would be so much easier if it wasn't a sexagesimal base.”
“Try your fingers” suggested He-Who-Could-Also-Tap-With-His-Fingers.
“Hang on, nearly there; I think it would be...just over 4 purple beads. So, that's...” Moses compared his abacus arrangement with a few fingers and three toes and came up with... “Forty Nine!”
“Excellent. So year 49 will be one of the Different Years. Because this is even more special, The People can take a further whole year off.”
Moses eyed up another toe...
“Which will be the fiftieth year” Inserted The God of all Numbers, before Moses could double-check on the abacus. “In that year, when you get to day 10 of month seven (remember, that's the Day for Scratching-all-Slip-Ups-From-the-Record) let the ram's horn section rip all over the place. This is to make the point that the year is special.”
“How special?” Asked Moses.
“I'm glad you asked. In year 50 announce a FREEDOM for everyone who lives in the land. Call that fiftieth year the Year of the Ram's Horn. Everyone can take time off to go back to their clan's allocated territory. Leave off from harvesting that year so that everyone can go to their ancestral homes: it's a completely Different Year of Years.”
Posts: 2826 | From: London, UK | Registered: Apr 2006
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
Leviticus 25:13-24
Moses was thrilled! So everyone can go home every 50 years?
Did I say can? I meant will.
Moses: I see...
Yes. You see, this is more than a mere vacation, I am also aiming to teach you to be more honest. There will be no cheating! Every land transaction must be made only from the previous year of jubilee, and will only remain in force until the following jubilee. You must adjust the price to the number of years, since after that year the entire economic system is reset. No contracts are final! You will be honest with one another, as you shall FEAR ME!
Moses shuddered appropriately. And another fearful thought crossed his mind. "B-b-but what if the previous crop isn't good enough to sustain us?"
Oh, that's not gonna happen. I'll make sure that the sixth-year-crop will be blessed so as to last for three years! The land shall provide for as long as you possess it. And you shall in return provide for the land. After all, it was never YOUR land in the first place, but MINE. Since the land is mine, I insist that you care for it. And this that you write shall be a reminder of that!
Moses shuddered, and scratched.
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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg
Posts: 7522 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006
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Nigel M
Shipmate
# 11256
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Posted
Leviticus 25:25-55
Moses sorted through his recently compiled list of Frequently Asked Questions. It seemed that the nation of The People was a nation of Lawyers. They nit-picked every point that I-Am-In-Various-Tenses-With-You made to them through Moses.
“All right, here we are. Backing up a bit: you said here” (jab at relevant point on tablet) “'When you enter the land.'” (Tablet placed reverently aside, tablet two exhibited.) “Then here you said 'everyone is to return to his own property.' But how (in his best 'I put it to you' voice) will we know where our property is? Do I just let them grab what they can where they can?”
“There will a sorting out of who gets what beforehand.”
“Ah. OK. Good. Right.” (Exhibit two laid reverently aside.) Now what happens to those who have had to sell up in hard times? Do they return and bunk up with the new owners?”
“No, you will be different to the other nations with this. Here's how it's going to work.”
(Rather undignified scrabble for a clean tablet and etcher).
“The land will belong to the original tribe forever. If someone really does hit hard times and has to sell a piece of land, whoever has responsibility on behalf of the tribe for that family's allotments must step in buy it back. It there is no one available in the wider family to do this, then if the seller eventually becomes rich enough to buy it back himself, he must pay the balance of years to the new owner and so buy back the piece of land. If there is no money at all for this, then await the Year of the Ram's Horn, at which point the piece of land will be returned. Then the original owner can return to his property.
“Now, this is all about land. However I assume you will want to build cities like the nations round about. Property in a city is not as important as land generally. If we're talking about fortified cities (and I assume you will want to build those just like the nations round about), then property sold there doesn't fall under the Ram's Horn laws. A person can sell off property and be able to buy it back within one full year, failing which it will belong to the new owner's family without any return. I'm only concerned about property away from fortified cities.”
“Interesting.” (mind full of legal type questions likely to arise on that one – mind hastily cleared so as to deal with current legislative queries.) “Aaron was wondering...”
“Yes Yes Yes. I know. There will special towns for the Levites. In these, every house property will fall under the Ram's Horn legislation no matter what. House must be returned to the original Levitical owner should they have been sold. However no Levite can sell off any open field. That belongs to them forever.
“The main thing to remember is that you shouldn't really let anyone fall on hard times in the first place. Take steps in your families, clans, and tribes, to ensure all citizens can live on their eternal land. Don't take advantage of someone in difficulty by offering short term loans at appalling APR rates. Be different from every other nation – remember who I am and what I have done. If it happens that a fellow citizen actually has to work for you to afford to live, don't take advantage by making him slave away like they do in other countries. Treat him like a temporary worker and then release him back to his eternal family land in the Year of the Ram's Horn. Don't try to be like the chain gang masters in the Most Powerful Nation on Earth. Remember: I will be watching.”
“So if one of non-citizens becomes rich...”
“Then should one of the citizens become poor and have to work for the non-citizen, he must always be available for buying release. There is no permanent right of an owner to a person. The rate to be paid will be equivalent to the number of years remaining between the time of hiring and the next Year of the Rams' Horn. Take steps to ensure there are labour laws in place to protect the citizen and ensure he is freed in the Year of the Rams' Horn. Remember: No one belongs to anyone else. You all belong to Me. This is all about Me.”
(“I need a lawyer to sort this arrangement out” thought Moses. “Good thing I know where to find several hundred thousand.”)
Posts: 2826 | From: London, UK | Registered: Apr 2006
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Hedgehog
Ship's Shortstop
# 14125
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Posted
Leviticus 26:1-13
He Who Repeats Himself Rather A Lot went on:
"Whatever you do, do not make idols of false godlings before me. Don't erect pillars or statues or French etchings and then worship them as your gods. I AM YOUR GOD. Keep holy My Day and revere My Place. I AM YOUR GOD."
There was a pause and Moses took advantage of the time to organize his notes and pile up his multiple tablets of rules. "I realy should find some way to organize all this stuff," he thought. "Maybe an index of some kind. A filing system." He looked around. He realized that he had placed his tablets into ten piles. "Well, that is convenient," he thought. "I can arrange some sort of decimal-based system for the index." He then looked around a little more closely and realized that He Who Natters On had kept him up all evening and it was now early morning. The morning dew was forming inside the tent. Moses sighed. Apparently, it would have to be a dewy decimal filing system.
He Who Must Be Obeyed resumed:
"I must be obeyed!" He said with disarming obviousness. "Now I realize that I have given you a lot of rules and regulations."
"Too right!" thought Moses, gazing at his dewy piles.
"But there is an up side to all of this. If you keep my rules and regs and obey my commandments, then I will make sure that you have an Appropriate Amount of rain for your crops. The land will yield a great harvest and the tree in the field will bear fruit. You will be able to thresh until it is time to harvest the grapes, and harvest the grapes until it is time to sow the fields, and you will eat well the whole time through."
"Sounds like a busy schedule. Any chance of maybe allowing for two weeks off in July so I can hit the beach and work on my tan?"
"You will be secure in The Land. Vicious animals will Go Elsewhere and the sword of your enemy will not be allowed in. Conversely, if you pursue your enemies with a sword, you will rout them and they will flee like frightened children. And speaking of children, My People will have them. You will be fruitful and multiply, like I have always wanted. I will keep this covenant with you, if you keep your covenant with me and obey my rules and regulations. It is a true Win-Win scenario. My Place will be with you and I will walk among you without disgust or distaste. I will protect and save you, just like I freed you from slavery in Egypt. It is a good deal. Take it."
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"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'
Posts: 2740 | From: Delaware, USA | Registered: Sep 2008
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Nigel M
Shipmate
# 11256
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Posted
Leviticus 26:14-46
“A good law code, like a good covenant, is not complete without curses” asserted Aaron, “It doesn't feel right to leave them out. Nobody else does.”
“Right,” said Moses, licking the end of his etching tool, “Give me something to go on. We need a strong introduction.”
“Well, at the least we need to outdo The Murabite Code. I suggest making our curses three times as long as that King's. Oh, and they need to be double the length of our code's blessings, otherwise no one will pay attention in The Camp. So... how about this for starters: If you do not listen to me...”
“And then something like And fail to keep every single one of these codes” offered Moses, “How many conditions were in the blessings again?”
“Two,” checked Aaron, “So we need at least a couple more. Let's go with Or even reject these etchings...”
“Nice one,” said Moses, warming to the task, “Not to mention vomiting up my laws and not doing any of these commands...”
“So shattering the covenant into pieces...” - Aaron, somewhat animately.
“Then...” Moses, summoning the Muse...
“Then...” Aaron, summoning the Air... Pregnant Pause.
“Joshua!” Bellowed the Brothers, “Get in here – we need some good Curses and you're good at that sort of thing.”
“I live to serve my teacher” from just over Moses' left shoulder.
“Good grief!” Aaron disentangled himself from the clutches of Moses. “Were you there all the time? For goodness' sake please let us know where you are lurking. I nearly came out with a nice string of curses there. Now then my boy, what can you recommend?”
“This is what I will do to you in return. I will call upon you complete dread as follows: Wasting diseases, Fevers, Fading eyesight, A slow and miserable pinging away of your entire life.”
Aaron snuck a quick look at a copy of The Murabite Code and nodded approvingly. Moses' jaw was dropping.
“All your work in the fields will be totally wasted – because enemies will eat the entire harvest. I will oppose you, implacably. You will be beaten down by the enemies you hate most; they will conquer you. You will still be running away after they've stopped chasing you. If, after all this, you still refuse to obey me, I will ratchet up the punishments seven times.
“I will smash your arrogant attitude. You'll get awful weather and the ground will cease to serve you. No matter how hard you work, there will be no harvest and no fruit. And if you still oppose me after that, I'll up the ante another seven times, because you deserve it.
“Vicious wild animals will snatch away your children, cut down your cattle, and so reduce your population that it will be rare to see anyone on the roads. Alive, that is. I'll still allow you a chance, but if you continue to oppose me after that, up the punishments will go yet another seven times, with me in the lead this time.
“I myself will stride out against you and hit you hard, with sharp and biting vengeance for breaking the covenant. Even if you try to hide in your fortified cities, disease will get you and then so will your enemy. You will starve in there. And if you still, even after all this, continue in rebellion against me, I will start to get really angry and hit you seven times as hard.
“You will end up gnawing on the flesh of your sons – and even the flesh of your daughters you will have to eat. I will break down the images you serve and pile your dead bodies up on top of the pieces. I will treat you with absolute disgust. Your cities will become refuse tips and your special buildings abandoned. Your attempts to placate me with incense will not work. I, personally, will make your land such a horror to even your enemies that they will be appalled at the state it is in. In this way I will enforce the Special Day law – the land will rest for the equivalent of all the days you omitted to let it rest. As for any of you who survive this and are taken into exile, you will be so psychologically disturbed that you will shy like startled horses at even a slight breeze, falling to the ground even when there is no danger. You will flee like rats, not one of you will be able to hold your ground. And so you will all die, far from home. You will rot. All the punishment for your rebellion and those of your predecessors will fall on you, and you will rot. Does this meet my teacher's needs?” Enquired Joshua.
It was some time before Moses and Aaron could re-hinge their jaws and stare somewhat wild-eyed at the etched resulted. “Thank you.” Breathed Moses, “Um. Perhaps you should go now and take some time off.”
“I will meditate on the genealogy of Seth” and out bowed Joshua.
“He's awfully keen, isn't he?” Said Aaron. Moses blinked a few times and refocussed on the newly formed Curse section. “We can't really leave it like this,” he said, “I'm pretty sure The One Who Is With Us wouldn't leave it like that.” He mused, and returned to etching.
“However.” That was a good start. “If you confess your guilt and that of all your predecessor rebels, how you all revolted against me so causing me to revolt right back, and how you have realised your mistake, then I will abide by the covenant terms I made with Jacob, Isaac, and even Abraham, and will read again that part about the land I promised. I will not break my end of the bargain, even though I am entitled to. I am the supreme God over all gods, the one you know as I-Am-In-Various-Tenses-With-You.”
“And that,” beamed Moses, “Should just about complete the entire set of statutes, commands, and legal case law that is needed.” He raised his eyes up to the heights of Mount Sinai. “And hopefully that is the last of running up and down that mountain.”
“Mind you,” he reflected later to his brother, “You know what future generations will ask about this last bit involving the Curses? They are bound to wonder if I really was inspired to write them.”
{corrected typo}
[ 11. September 2011, 21:15: Message edited by: Moo ]
Posts: 2826 | From: London, UK | Registered: Apr 2006
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
Leviticus 26:18-33
And if you continue to disobey me even after I punish you, your lives will suck in ways more profound than you could possibly imagine. No matter how hard you try, you will not be able to fathom the depths of suffering and alienation I shall visit upon you.
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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg
Posts: 7522 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006
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Hedgehog
Ship's Shortstop
# 14125
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Posted
Leviticus 27:1-13
A few weeks later, Moses went back to have a talk with I-Am-In-Many-Tenses-With-You.
"Ahem! The new rules and guidelines have gone down a treat. Really. Everybody loves ‘em. But, well, a problem has arisen."
"This is going to be about Albert, isn’t it?"
"You know? I mean, ‘You know!’ Of course You do. Albie kind of got carried away with it all and, well, made a Special Gratitude Pledge™ of his entire household to Your service. Everybody. Even his wife and kids. And, well, it is not really practical is it? I mean, he has nobody to take care of his house, or fields, or cook for him—and he really is hopeless trying to do it himself. Is there any escape clause?"
"It is a fine point. You don’t want to let him completely off the hook because a pledge to Me really needs to be taken seriously and not just spouted off like a meaningless convention. Do you have any idea how many people say 'God bless you!' when somebody sneezes even when they have absolutely no desire for me to actually bless that person? Albert made a Special Gratitude Pledge--"
"™" said Moses.
"--so it is going to cost him. He can redeem the pledged individuals, but here is the Price List for Redemption."
And, in words of fire, the following list appeared before Moses, who quickly scrambled to grab a chisel and new stone tablet:
GENDER: AGE: PRICE (Sanctuary Standard)
Male: 20 to 60 years: 50 shekels
Female: 20 to 60 years: 30 shekels
Male: 5 to 20 years: 20 shekels
Female: 5 to 20 years: 10 shekels
Male: 1 mo. to 5 years: 5 silver shekels
Female: 1 mo. to 5 years: 3 silver shekels
Male: Over 60 years: 15 shekels
Female: Over 60 years: 10 shekels.
"Yes," said Moses. "That seems to cover it. Couple good bargains in there, if I may so. Who knew that finding redemption would be so easy?"
"Cute."
"But here’s the problem. As I said, Albie has nobody to till his fields or do anything and, well, he has been spending money like water. I am not sure he even has enough money to pay these charges."
"Not a problem. Have the people he wishes to redeem stand before the priest and the priest can set a lower value based on what, in the priest’s judgment, the man who made the vow can afford. It should be high enough to enforce the sacred nature of the pledge, but low enough not to destroy the pledger."
"Which brings us to the pledged animals. Two questions: (1) Where did Albie even find a platypus in the first place; (2) how can he redeem the animal?"
"As to (1) Trust me. You don’t want to know. As to (2), he can’t. Well, not easily. Again, vows are serious matters. If a good, clean animal is given to Me, it is holy and cannot ever again be used for common purposes and cannot be exchanged. It is to be sacrificed to Me as intended. The only exception is if it is discovered, after pledging, to be blemished and unsuitable for sacrifice, then the priest can sell it on the open market at a price set by the priest and the money goes into the priestly coffers."
"Oh! So if the platypus is blemished (and I believe it is) it can be sold back to Albie?"
"Not so fast. It can be sold on the open market—but if the person who made the vow is the one trying to buy it back, he has to pay an additional 20% of the asking price. This is to…"
"…to reinforce the sacred nature of vows. Yes, I am beginning to see the trend."
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"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'
Posts: 2740 | From: Delaware, USA | Registered: Sep 2008
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
Leviticus 27:14-15
Moses walked into the Holy of Holies.
Umm...God?
Yes?
Well, we have this problem.
Oh?
Well, this fellow, I don't want to name names...he Got Religion.
Oh dear.
Yeah. He went on a holiness binge. Decided to devote everything he owned to you. I mean, like, everything. Even the robe on his back. He's been walking around naked like a holy fool.
And there's more, isn't there...
Yes. Um, you see, after a night out in the desert he, shall we say, got cold feet.
Heh.
And...he wants it all back. We've invested some of the proceeds, so we couldn't just give it back to him, right? I mean...he gave it up freely! How can we return it? It'll ruin our cash flow! It defeats the whole purpose of devoting something to You if someone can just, like, take it back!
Hmm. Yes. I suggest a fee. Let's say 1/5 of the value on top of the given donation. And then he gets everything back.
He won't be happy to hear this...
He'll cope. You can handle it. I have faith in you.
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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg
Posts: 7522 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006
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Nigel M
Shipmate
# 11256
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Posted
Leviticus 27:16-25
Oh wait - before you go. There's something we must all be absolutely clear on. Let me tell you what to do if someone wishes to set apart for my use a piece of his allocated eternal family land. Now ordinarily family land belongs to the descendants of that family for ever and must revert to them in the year of the Ram's Horn. You noted that earlier. Land is most important, more so than houses. So if someone does indeed want to dedicate part of that ancestral land, let the priest set its value along the lines of its harvest crop value. If the dedication occurs in the year of the Ram's Horn, then that value stands. Otherwise, do the usual sliding scale of value according to the number of years left to next Horn. Buying back is permitted, adding 20% to the value, but – and this is most important – buying back can only occur before the next Ram's Horn.
If we reach the next Ram's Horn, then the dedicated piece of ancestral land can never, ever, again be returned to the original family. It must now be considered a step up from simple dedication. It is not simply set apart for a time. Now it is eternally set apart on my authority. The priests must then become responsible for its upkeep, forever.
Posts: 2826 | From: London, UK | Registered: Apr 2006
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Bullfrog.
Prophetic Amphibian
# 11014
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Posted
Leviticus 27:26-34
Moses stirred.
Almost there! Just a few more details...
If it's a firstborn animal, you don't have to consecrate it because it already belongs to ME. You can't consecrate something that's by definition consecrated from the moment of its inception. If the given animal is unclean, the usual 1/5 is added. If not redeemed, then the animal is sold at its assessment.
If it's devoted to destruction for my name's sake, then destroy it. There is no way around this. If it is given for destruction, destroyed it must be. If it's a person, then the person simply must be killed.
Moses shuddered, and kept transcribing.
As I said before, if it's tithed to me, it cannot be returned. If...
Moses got the vague impression that God was rolling his eyes.
...someone really must take back their tithe, a 1/5 assessment must be added. All tithed goods are consecrated and Holy to Myself. Accept no substitutes!
This is the Law.
Shaken, the scribe wandered out of his tent into the desert to speak of these things to the People. Everything was in place and the Holy Machine made ready to roll into the Promised Land.
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Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg
Posts: 7522 | From: Chicago | Registered: Feb 2006
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