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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Hell: What I did on shore leave
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dyfrig
Blue Scarfed Menace
# 15
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Posted
Clearly, Ms W, your promotion has turned into something of a power-crazed asshat.
(picks up loo-brush, adopts warbling Spike Milligan voice)
#If I ruled the world, every day would be the first day of Spring....#
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"He was wrong in the long run, but then, who isn't?" - Tony Judt
Posts: 6917 | From: pob dydd Iau, am hanner dydd | Registered: Apr 2001
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Clíona
Shipmate
# 2035
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Posted
But Ruth, what about me, what about me? Am I allowed back on?
I have no idea why I should be, except that I'd hate to leave you to the wrath of smudgie and her cushions.
Oh, and I could dish some lovely gossip.
(Can't believe you left me out. Hrmph. Maybe I'll go away anyway.) ![[Flaming]](graemlins/angryfire.gif)
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Starting (yet) again...
Posts: 1262 | From: Back in Dublin | Registered: Dec 2001
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dolphy
Lady of Perpetual Responsiblity
# 862
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Posted
Oh Ruth - thank you so very much for my 'nice cabin'.... you are more than welcome to share in my wines and foods... I can't bribe you with any money since I am stoney broke - but is there any chance of a stereo in my cabin? PLEASE?
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Looking forward to my rock moving closer again.
Posts: 15134 | From: my camper van | Registered: Jul 2001
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PaulC
Ship's Lego nut
# 2256
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Posted
All this begging and pretty pleasing... far too nice for Hell. Makes me wanna ![[Projectile]](graemlins/puke2.gif) Here are just one or two of the things I did to amuse myself while the ship was down:
1. Ingratiously invited myself to enough dinners and barbeques over Jubilee weekend that I didn't have to prepare myself a meal for four days.
2. Became disillusioned with life and blamed God.
3. Snapped at my relatives.
4. Stuck hot pins into a flaming effigy of my ex-girlfriend (tricky, but worth it).
5. Ignored all the chores. I now have a lawn that is 4 feet tall and the kitchen smells like something died in it.
6. Sat around the house in my bathrobe all day.
7. Went on a 24 hour TV bender.
8. Racked up an overdraft buying stuff I don't need and will never use.
Basically you shouldn't let me back on, as I'm evil, bad-tempered, foul-mouthed and I hate you all for abandoning me. ![[Devil]](graemlins/devil.gif)
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"Some days you eat the bear, and some days the bear eats you, but always dress for the hunt!"
-The Motto of The Adventurer Club
Posts: 511 | From: deepest darkest Essex | Registered: Jan 2002
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Tau
Shipmate
# 614
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Posted
Reading, reading, reading. Nothing uplifting of course.
And my shiny new avatar should be enough to tell you why [speaking ex cathedra] I shall be admitted to the boards. [/ex cathedra]
Nice to be back.
AW
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There is no fear in love.
Posts: 191 | From: over here | Registered: Jun 2001
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splosh
Shipmate
# 2743
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Posted
Hmmm lets see. In no particular order I:
i. Finished my theory chapter.
ii. Played about with liquid nitrogen and helium.
iii. I played hockey sevens (and lost!)
iv. I went to a Punk party in a fair too short skirt ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
v. I rowed in a regatta, and got sunburnt ![[Embarrassed]](redface.gif)
vi. Avoided football at all costs
Why should I be allowed back on the ship, have you seen what I can do with liquid nitrogen and ice-cream mixture?
(p.s. I am also handy to have around, as I have spent three years perfecting the art of soldering ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif) )
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Just remember you are one of God's special people
Posts: 1371 | From: Slightly less north than before | Registered: May 2002
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Chad
Shipmate
# 624
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Posted
I....
- took a trip to an internet-free part of Scotland,
- climbed mountains in Scotland,
- solved a murder mystery,
- fell asleep up a mountain,
- went to a wedding and bounced on the bouncy castle,
- saw Bend It Like Beckham,
- started watching Big Brother,
- broke wind up a mountain on a windy day - I couldn't hear anything - everybody else could - but you probably didn't want to know that
..and it would be nice if you would let me back on board because I'm a nice chap in the cafe. I try and bring food whenever I visit and often volunteer to get drinks or do the washing up. ![[Yipee]](graemlins/spin.gif) oh, and I'll try and keep the windipops under control
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No man is an island... except the Isle of Man
Posts: 87 | From: Where the cats meow | Registered: Jun 2001
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Nicolemr
Shipmate
# 28
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Posted
i found another site to post on to keep me busy.
you should let me back on cause i'm a librarian and i know a lot of things.
![[Sunny]](graemlins/flowerface.gif)
Posts: 11803 | From: New York City "The City Carries On" | Registered: May 2001
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Stoo
Mighty Pirate
# 254
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Posted
I got a life, and don't actually want to come back on board.
For that reason, you should give me the biggest and most plush cabin in existance, just to really piss off all the people who really want it.
Remember, i won't be using it, and nor shall anyone else.
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Posts: 5266 | From: the director of "Bikini Traffic School" | Registered: May 2001
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daisymay
St Elmo's Fire
# 1480
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Posted
Come on....I can't, won't ![[Mad]](mad.gif) do everyone's ironing. I know what shipmates are meant to do to look after themselves - my grandad was in the Royal Navy when sailing ships went round the Horn, and he not only did his own washing, but knitting and embroidery too.
I'll accept the hammock, though, thanks. ![[Cool]](cool.gif)
And if I do some ironing and everyone's underwear is nicely starched????
It's definitely not anything I've done that's causing so many shipmates to be scratching themselves in embarassing places... ![[Snigger]](graemlins/snigger.gif)
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London
Flickr fotos
Posts: 11224 | From: London - originally Dundee, Blairgowrie etc... | Registered: Oct 2001
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duchess
Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764
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Posted
I posted on another Christian chat board...pined for SoF...
Ate more beer-can-chicken-bbq ![[Heart]](graemlins/heartpump.gif) (we had Memorial Day in the States and then Father's Day...bbq time)
and then I took some liberties.
*my obsession with food is pathetic since I am dieting at the moment...sorry*
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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party
Posts: 11197 | From: Do you know the way? | Registered: May 2002
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Shoehorn with Teeth
Laughing Vulcan
# 2420
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:
Starbelly, Shoehorn with teeth, daisymay, and Sophie Aubrey are assigned hammocks in the forecastle until they learn not to be so dang nice in hell.
Oh RuthW, thank you for the hammock, it's lovely and---
Ahem.
What I meant to say was:
I spend two weeks waiting to get back onboard, and for using a lousy flower smilie thingie in hell I get passed over during cabin assignments. You clearly missed my deep, insulting meaning of...umm...
Never mind, it's no use. I think I ought to go back to heaven now.
Posts: 483 | From: crowded house | Registered: Mar 2002
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Willyburger
Ship's barber
# 658
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Posted
quote:
RuthW:
Okay, here's where you stand so far:
Hey, what about me!?! Last I checked, (until Erin deleted the thread) I was tied to the mainmast with one of those damnable cats torturing me and Sophs chortling over a cat o' ninetails. I guess that leaves me running loose and I'll have to sack out in the lifeboats.
You need me -- someone has to keep the cats from breeding like rats!
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Willy, Unix Bigot, Esq.
--
Why is it that every time I go out to buy bookshelves, I come home with more books?
Posts: 835 | From: Arizona, US | Registered: Jul 2001
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jedijudy*
Jedi defender of ship's cats
# 1059
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Posted
Thank you! Thank you RuthW! <grovel, grovel>
***no! I'm not going to grovel***
<But, but, I can't help it, my cabin is so much nicer than sleeping on the plank like I used to...>
I think it's Willyburger's fault that the Cats thread was eliminated. Maybe he should just sit tied up to the mast until he quits being mean to cats.
jj
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ENFP...do you see a "T" anywhere??? I don't think so.
Posts: 3248 | From: Soon to be inhabiting identity # 333!!! | Registered: Aug 2001
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Miss_Molly
Toujours gai
Beloved
# 2339
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Willyburger:
quote:
RuthW:
Okay, here's where you stand so far:
Hey, what about me!?! Last I checked, (until Erin deleted the thread) I was tied to the mainmast with one of those damnable cats torturing me and Sophs chortling over a cat o' ninetails. I guess that leaves me running loose and I'll have to sack out in the lifeboats.
You need me -- someone has to keep the cats from breeding like rats!
Mr Burger, to you I am Mrs Aubrey. And, should you happen to be on the same deck with her, you will kindly refer to young Sophs as Miss. Further, if you had read the minutes of the prevous meeting, you would know that all the Jedi's cats are neutered. Mine also have been (ahem) "altered".
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"I come from a state that raises corn, and cockleburrs and Democrats, and frothy eloquence neither convinces nor satisfies me. I am from Missouri. You have got to show me"
Congressman Willard Duncan Vandiver at a naval banquet in Philadelphia, 1899
Posts: 1242 | From: home | Registered: Feb 2002
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Willyburger
Ship's barber
# 658
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Sophie Aubrey:
Mr Burger, to you I am Mrs Aubrey. And, should you happen to be....<snip>
Hmmm, that studied hauteur, the fascination with ropes and whips. Might I suggest a thread in Purgatory in which you might feel at home?
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Willy, Unix Bigot, Esq.
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Why is it that every time I go out to buy bookshelves, I come home with more books?
Posts: 835 | From: Arizona, US | Registered: Jul 2001
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Willyburger
Ship's barber
# 658
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Posted
Oohh, sorry Chast. I just realized that my remarks might promote the propogation of cats -- neutered or not -- across the boards. And at Internet speeds, no less. ![[Ultra confused]](graemlins/confused2.gif)
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Willy, Unix Bigot, Esq.
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Why is it that every time I go out to buy bookshelves, I come home with more books?
Posts: 835 | From: Arizona, US | Registered: Jul 2001
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ChastMastr
Shipmate
# 716
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Posted
![[Confused]](confused.gif) I like cats, actually. I thought you were referring to my leather thread, which I'd love more people to read and reply to, of course, as it seems to be just sitting there, alone and forlorn.
O, my poor leather thread! Pining, it cries out, "When shall I be read again, to the joy and wonderment of all?"
Yes, when? ![[Disappointed]](graemlins/disappointed.gif)
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My essays on comics continuity: http://chastmastr.tumblr.com/tagged/continuity
Posts: 14068 | From: Clearwater, Florida | Registered: Jul 2001
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babybear
Bear faced and cheeky with it
# 34
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:
Dyfrig,..You will be allowed to stay on board IF and ONLY IF you get the johns cleaned to my satisfaction and you don't sing or incite others to sing. One note, even the merest warble, and I'll have you keelhauled.
Ruth, that is racial abuse! Dyfrig is Welsh, and he can't help but have a song in his heart, on his lips or anywhere else that the fancy takes him!
I notice that I didn't make the list of people getting cabins, or being sent to the engine room. I must admit that I snuck back on which the ship was in dry dock, and reclaimed my old cabin. You remember, the one with the jacuzzi, and the endless supply of chocolate and gin. You are welcome to stop by any time.
bb
Posts: 13287 | From: Cottage of the 3 Bears (and The Gremlin) | Registered: May 2001
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Miss_Molly
Toujours gai
Beloved
# 2339
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Posted
*sighs*
Well, the naughty signature didn't work, nor did my exchange with Mr Burger. (and for the record, I still don't know what a dominatrix is, or why people keep mistaking me for one. Neither the Captain nor Dr Maturin will tell me, but they are on their way to Mr Burger's house to demand satisfaction...)
What can I do to obtain a cabin?
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"I come from a state that raises corn, and cockleburrs and Democrats, and frothy eloquence neither convinces nor satisfies me. I am from Missouri. You have got to show me"
Congressman Willard Duncan Vandiver at a naval banquet in Philadelphia, 1899
Posts: 1242 | From: home | Registered: Feb 2002
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RuthW
liberal "peace first" hankie squeezer
# 13
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Posted
I'd suspend myself for my racist attitude toward Dyfrig, but he called me a power-crazed asshat. Worse, he attempted to sing. Well, he's gurgling with the barnacles now. Let it be a lesson unto all of you.
babybear has taken care of herself, and we like to reward initiative.
Sophie Aubrey, you are not now nor have you ever been a badass. It appears I should have let Olorin back on board after all, as you seem to be terminally demure. Hope you're getting used to the hammock.
Chad and nicolemrw will be joining you in the forecastle, for reasons that should be obvious.
Dolphy: Don't. Push. It. First it'll be a stereo, then a TV, then room service. Shyeah, right.
daisymay, you're starting to catch on. You can abandon your hammock in favor of a bunk on one of the lower decks, and you need only do my ironing. Don't even think about starching my underwear.
Holy Father, I recommend you try out Stoo's cabin, since he won't be using it. It's got its own private bathroom, which should be useful next time you wish to speak ex cathedra.
Cliona, the ship virtually runs on good gossip. I'm putting you in with sophs - I expect a full report on those liquid nitrogen and ice cream concoctions and any cat o' ninetail action.
Willyburger, if the cats aren't breeding like rats, the rats will be breeding like bunnies. As far as I'm concerned, you can stay tied to the mast. If you break free and sophs can't catch you, you can have a lifeboat.
ChastMastr, you and PaulC will be rooming together. You have much to learn from him regarding the ways of hell. Pay attention. Take notes. Wax on, wax off. (Paul, I hate to do this to you, but to make it up to you, I'll let you bring all that stuff you bought on board. Please do us all a favor and keep the soldering iron hidden from sophs at all times.)
Posts: 24453 | From: La La Land | Registered: Apr 2001
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Miss_Molly
Toujours gai
Beloved
# 2339
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Posted
*putting her hand up through the grating of the fo'c'sle, and waving furiously to attract attention*
Is it badass enough if I correct the hellhostess? It is Splosh who knows how to solder, not sophs. And the exchange between myself and Mr Burger was concerned partly with his calling me sophs. While sophs is a feline sympathizer, she was not involved in arranging a condign punishment for him.
(wonders to self---how can I arrange for Olorin to come on board? He is the most delightful and wicked rakehell of my acquaintance.)
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"I come from a state that raises corn, and cockleburrs and Democrats, and frothy eloquence neither convinces nor satisfies me. I am from Missouri. You have got to show me"
Congressman Willard Duncan Vandiver at a naval banquet in Philadelphia, 1899
Posts: 1242 | From: home | Registered: Feb 2002
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Willyburger
Ship's barber
# 658
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Posted
Well, then, I *do* apologize. I was merely employing a diminutive, not intentionally confusing you with another shipmate. Memory doesn't serve now that Ship's complement is well over 2800, especially as I've been distracted with ropeburn and splinters from the mainmast.
RuthW, since I've managed to slip the surly bonds of Miss Sophie, I'll gladly take your offer of accomodations in the lifeboat. Might I trouble you for a nice feather pillow and blanket?
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Willy, Unix Bigot, Esq.
--
Why is it that every time I go out to buy bookshelves, I come home with more books?
Posts: 835 | From: Arizona, US | Registered: Jul 2001
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Tau
Shipmate
# 614
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Posted
Thankyou Ruth, the cabin's OK (unless Stoo decides to turn up after all), but do you think anybody will mind if I sing ex cathedra in the shower? I have a nice, rich tenor voice.
AW
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There is no fear in love.
Posts: 191 | From: over here | Registered: Jun 2001
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Stoo
Mighty Pirate
# 254
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Posted
not in my shower, you don't.
and i expect rent.
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Posts: 5266 | From: the director of "Bikini Traffic School" | Registered: May 2001
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dyfrig
Blue Scarfed Menace
# 15
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Posted
#La-da-di,
la-dah, la-da-d-#
Phwor! :gag:
tomb - is this one of yours?
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"He was wrong in the long run, but then, who isn't?" - Tony Judt
Posts: 6917 | From: pob dydd Iau, am hanner dydd | Registered: Apr 2001
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Chad
Shipmate
# 624
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Posted
Hey, I made it to the forecastle, even with my wind breaking up a mountain habits... Sorry about that Sophie and Nicolemrw.
Must try harder at being nasty..
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No man is an island... except the Isle of Man
Posts: 87 | From: Where the cats meow | Registered: Jun 2001
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tomb
Shipmate
# 174
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Posted
Why is babybear in My cabin; why are there little islands of matted bear fur floating in My jacuzzi; and where's my gin?
Posts: 5039 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: May 2001
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Olorin
Shipmate
# 2010
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Posted
Twannnnnng! *sound of whalebone ricochetting around ship*
Cough, gasp, cough. Thanks Sophie, brilliant idea to smuggle me onboard inside your corset. A bit squashed, but comfy with grrrrrreat handholds. Did you injure anyone with your corset?
Think that ruins your goodie girl credentials though.
Now, how to peruade, bribe, embarress or bully the 'demurely-deranged' RuthW into letting me stay? Hmmm.....
Aha,.....RuthW... What did YOU do while ship was in dry dock, eh? Something suitably reserved & demure as you had to face real people in the real world for once.
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I wrestled with God, and lost by two falls & a submission.
Posts: 390 | From: Hammersmith, London | Registered: Dec 2001
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babybear
Bear faced and cheeky with it
# 34
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Posted
Your cabin?! The cheek of the guy! Get back under your rock you wrinkly, scaley gin-pickled hellion.
bb
Posts: 13287 | From: Cottage of the 3 Bears (and The Gremlin) | Registered: May 2001
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tomb
Shipmate
# 174
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Posted
Don't start on me, you tick-infested furball. I'll pitch your chocolate into the bilgewater.
Posts: 5039 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: May 2001
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Nanny Ogg
Ship's cushion
# 1176
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by babybear:
[QUOTE]You remember, the one with the jacuzzi, and the endless supply of chocolate and gin. You are welcome to stop by any time.
bb
Did someone mention chocolate and alcohol in the same sentence? Never mind being miles from the galley...
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Buy me a beer and I'm you friend forever
Posts: 4137 | From: Away with the fairies | Registered: Aug 2001
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daisymay
St Elmo's Fire
# 1480
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Posted
Ta muchly Ruth.
But I'm suspicious that a bunk may be more stuffy and sick-making than my hammock. If so, your undergarments may return to you rather smelly.
I have left a neat pile of freshly ironed and starched underwear under the hammock hooks for the rest of you.
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London
Flickr fotos
Posts: 11224 | From: London - originally Dundee, Blairgowrie etc... | Registered: Oct 2001
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Miss_Molly
Toujours gai
Beloved
# 2339
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Posted
(wonders how to look suitably affronted at the liberties Olorin has taken with her, but is wearing wide smile instead, forcing emergency use of fan to hide mouth)
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"I come from a state that raises corn, and cockleburrs and Democrats, and frothy eloquence neither convinces nor satisfies me. I am from Missouri. You have got to show me"
Congressman Willard Duncan Vandiver at a naval banquet in Philadelphia, 1899
Posts: 1242 | From: home | Registered: Feb 2002
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tomb
Shipmate
# 174
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Posted
Ruth .... Ruth!...... RRRUUUUUTTTTHHHH!
There is a MAMMAL in my cabin!!
She has drunk ALL my gin, and there are chocolate wrappers all over and, and,
OMIGOSH! There's water EVERYWHERE! The filter on the jaccuzzi is clogged with hair!!
It's spilling over. The Ship is sinking. I'm dying! I'm no trailor trash amphibian! I'm not used to conditions like this.
You have GOT to Do.Something!
Posts: 5039 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: May 2001
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babybear
Bear faced and cheeky with it
# 34
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Posted
Ruth, could I have a quiet little word with you?
I am most concerned with the mental state of one of your hellions.
I was relaxing in my lovely jacuzzi, then a very drunken creature stumbled into my cabin. The door between the bathroom and my cabin was closed, so I didn't realise that it was someone entering my cabin. I must admit that I was rather worried about all the crashing around, but I put it down to someone moving into their new cabin.
When I had finished my ablutions I wandered into my cabin, only to find a hideous monster sprawled across my waterbed. It was quite a shock seeing a gin-sodden amphibian in snoring repose.
I tried to rouse the beast (I had been planning on having a little nap before dinner). However, with all of his trashings around he managed to pierce the waterbed! Thankfully at this point he ran off, screaming about fur-balls and Orthodox mammaries.
I am now left with a very sodden cabin, and a very deflated bed. Stoo very kindly lent me his spare hammock, but it is very difficult for a small bear to climb into a hammock.
Ruth, does your hellion often go on benders? Does he often stumble (and crash) into other people's cabins, and what is this fixation with Orthodox mammaries?
bb
Posts: 13287 | From: Cottage of the 3 Bears (and The Gremlin) | Registered: May 2001
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John Donne
Renaissance Man
# 220
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Posted
Well I didn't recheck this thread because I assumed it would be full of pathetic no-lifers regaling each other with their sad attempts at integrating back into normal life - and then grovelling very grovellingly to be let back out. AND I WAS RIGHT!
So. I have to be allowed back on board because I have it on good authority that O'Kief is a little worn after functioning as the sole Ship's parrot, and I'm rustling up a few of us to help him out on rota.
Posts: 13667 | From: Perth, W.A. | Registered: May 2001
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Nanny Ogg
Ship's cushion
# 1176
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Posted
Nooooo...I got pipped to the post and missed out on the gin & chocolate.
Anywaone got any more alcohol & food stashed away they'd like to share (says she with a threatening look in her eye and body language that says "don't mess with the management"
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Buy me a beer and I'm you friend forever
Posts: 4137 | From: Away with the fairies | Registered: Aug 2001
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Clíona
Shipmate
# 2035
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Posted
Hey Sophie - come into my cabin with me and sophs and Olorin can hide under the bed...
If nothing else it'll give us a start for the gossip we've promised.
(Now Olorin, give Sophie her corset back. It does nothing for you ![[Wink]](wink.gif) )
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Starting (yet) again...
Posts: 1262 | From: Back in Dublin | Registered: Dec 2001
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tomb
Shipmate
# 174
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by babybear:
Ruth, could I have a quiet little word with you?
I am most concerned with the mental state of one of your hellions.
I was relaxing in my lovely jacuzzi, then a very drunken creature stumbled into my cabin. The door between the bathroom and my cabin was closed, so I didn't realise that it was someone entering my cabin. I must admit that I was rather worried about all the crashing around, but I put it down to someone moving into their new cabin.
Oh, this is rich. I was stumbling about! I was drunk! The fact is, I haven't had any gin since I got back on the Ship because she has drunk it all. I am living life with a sober clarity that is utterly demoralizing.
"Relaxing in her lovely jacuzzi" indeed. She was unconscious from a gin-soaked stupor. It's a wonder she didn't drown, except her bulk had displaced everything but a teaspoon of water, and she was floating face up in that like a beached whale in a marsh.
The crashing around she heard was the brass fittings on the bulkheads unscrewing themselves from the sympathetic vibrations of her snoring. (Just between the two of us, I'm surprised she noticed, she was so far gone.) My tail might have knocked over a knick-knack or two, but I am not responsible for other.people's.clutter.
quote:
bb continues with her maunderings
When I had finished my ablutions I wandered into my cabin, only to find a hideous monster sprawled across my waterbed. It was quite a shock seeing a gin-sodden amphibian in snoring repose.
Well, this is obviously a product of her alcoholic hallucinations. "Ablutions"--bah! She staggered out roaring, "Where's my gin." About the only thing even resembling "ablutions" was the fact that her hair was coming out in chunks. I think there should be a rule against permitting shedding mammals on the Ship. They should be thoroughly vacuumed first.
And as far as that goes, she probably should be examined and certified as mange-free sooner rather than later. I have heard rumors that mammals develop horrid skin conditions. My scales happily prevent me from developing such things, but I want.to.be.helpful to some of the less fortunate Susceptible Shipmates who may come in contact with this creature.
And this waterbed thing is nothing but a fantasy of hers. There isn't a waterbed on the Ship. Never has been. Too heavy. In fact, I had installed my posturepaedic mattress the week before when I took possession of My cabin (it's those plates sticking out of my spine; I need the extra support). True, the mattress might have been a little wet, but that was because I had been crying over the condiition of my cabin. She has shed *everywhere.* Some of the little mats of fur even tried to run away from me when I started to clean. I have no idea if this was because of Spontaneous Generation or Vermin. It's best not to inquire too deeply into some matters. And if the bed has collapsed, it is because of her Sodden Bulk compressing the mattress coils.
And how dare she call me an "amphibian." I was hatched out of a Proper Egg on dry land, I 'll have you know. None of this nasty jellied glop growing under aquatic weeds. I'll have you know I caught and ate my first mouse before I was eight hours old. It's pure slander, that's what it is.
quote:
babybear continues her little fiction
I tried to rouse the beast (I had been planning on having a little nap before dinner). However, with all of his trashings around he managed to pierce the waterbed! Thankfully at this point he ran off, screaming about fur-balls and Orthodox mammaries. I am now left with a very sodden cabin, and a very deflated bed.
Most of that moisture was from the jaccuzi; and heaven knows, all that hair might absorb extra dampness. I have already explained my tears, which were perfectly justified under the circumstances. But they certainly didn't trash MY mattress; merely burned a few small holes in the sheets.
And if you have ever been confronted by a creature resembling nothing so much as a mop hung out to dry before being rinsed, you would run screaming away too, let me tell you.
As to these "Orthodox mammaries," I have absolutely no idea what she is talking about. I remember commenting on her unfortunate taxonomic category, but I certainly said nothing about her "mammaries." I find that whole mammal evolutionary branch disgusting. Exuding fluid to feed the young. Blleeeccch. There's nothing "Orthodox" about that. Everybody knows that body fluid is Poison and should only be used for subduing prey and Stupid Shipmates.
All this "Orthodox" stuff. I suspect she has "issues," but far be it from me to attempt to psycho-analyze her. She isn't even my species.
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babybear concludes her whinge
Stoo very kindly lent me his spare hammock, but it is very difficult for a small bear to climb into a hammock.
Oh, that is rich! I saw her in that hammock. Trussed up like sausage beginning to go bad in the shop. (Did you know that her fur--what's left of it--is turning green? From the damp I daresay. Mammals. No hygiene.) And that is not a small bear. I have seen Volkswagens with fewer cubic inches.
But Ruth, I, too, have found new quarters. One of the yardarms has just a speck of dry rot in it, enough for my toe claws to get purchase. I spent a very pleasant evening hanging by my feet, flapping in the breeze.
And I'm happy to report that it gives me a better vantage from which to perform my hosting duties. Not only can I watch the Shipmates by day, but it's much easier to pick up their infrared signatures after dark. So something good has come of this fiasco.
Now if you can just find where she's hid the gin.
Posts: 5039 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: May 2001
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RuthW
liberal "peace first" hankie squeezer
# 13
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Posted
First order of business: Dyfrig, it has come to my attention that there is a much coveted first-class cabin in serious need of cleaning. Once you've finished coughing up barnacles, see to it right away. And it had better be spick and span when you're done, because I'll be moving in directly.
Pope Abu Wuza (first Pope from a predominantly Muslim country?), I believe I have previously gone on record as forbidding singing in hell. So keep it down, or you'll be joining Dyfrig on loo duty. Or you'll be keelhauled. Or I'll just give you over to tomb's tender mercies - not something you want to experience when he's been out of gin for more than 24 hours.
Willyburger, show some initiative - steal your own feather pillow and blanket.
daisymay: if you don't like the bunk, pick out a lifeboat. Not Willyburger's - there's already been entirely too much disastrous cohabitation aboard ship (see below).
Coot, what do you and your little coterie of avian pals plan to do on the ship? Given the recent inter-class (kingdom, phylum, class ... let's not get this wrong) contretemps we've experienced, I am hesitant to complicate things any further by allowing multiple birds on board.
tomb: DRY ROT?!?! After we spend TWO SOLID WEEKS slaving away at the ship's upgrade and upkeep (and up a few other things as well, but we won't go into that), you discover DRY ROT? You couldn't have noticed this while we were beavering away (yes, a mammalian metaphor, deal with it) in drydock? Perhaps if you'd had a sober moment ... Nevertheless, I realize that like many of the great ones, you do some of your best work while in your cups, so I regret to inform you that the ship's stores are devoid of gin at the moment. I can let you have some of my private stash, on two conditions: 1. Don't drink all of it. 2. Don't let babybear anywhere near it.
babybear: I worry about the mental state of all hell's denizens, really, I do. But you are weighing heavily on my mind at the moment. I realize you've had a shock, but you must do something about your look. The whole matted thing may resolve itself into proper dreads, but I doubt it.
Finally. Miss Aubrey. It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a whalebone corset, must be in want of a wife. As Olorin is lost to all notions of decency and honor, and as you have behaved in the most indecorous, not to say wanton, manner, I am persuaded that the two of you must be married at once. You have been compromised in the most grievous fashion, and your credit will not otherwise survive the blow. Cliona, you must arrange the matter - do whatever is necessary. (Oh, and Miss A: you are still not a badass.)
Posts: 24453 | From: La La Land | Registered: Apr 2001
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Miss_Molly
Toujours gai
Beloved
# 2339
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Posted
Ah, Ruth, would that it were just a matter of a maiden's misstep, led down the primrose path by a charming rogue!
Alas, some years ago, Jno Aubrey RN and I stood before the altar and contracted matrimony. His absence, on naval duties, and the fact that he has a wandering eye himself, will not, I fear, make of him a complaisant husband.
I know not if Olorin would be prepared to elope with me. The other possible step would be a bill of divorcement presented to the ship's parliament. I fear a humble gentlewoman who has led a retired life does not have the honor of acquaintance with any member of parliament.
Covered with shame (but still gleeful), I await further developments.
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"I come from a state that raises corn, and cockleburrs and Democrats, and frothy eloquence neither convinces nor satisfies me. I am from Missouri. You have got to show me"
Congressman Willard Duncan Vandiver at a naval banquet in Philadelphia, 1899
Posts: 1242 | From: home | Registered: Feb 2002
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RuthW
liberal "peace first" hankie squeezer
# 13
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Posted
As Mr. Aubrey is the injured party, you will have to await his decision. Are you prepared to face a charge of criminal conversation? Will Olorin stand by you (and be named in the suit!) if you do face such a charge? Somehow I think not - charming he may be, but steadfast and reliable he is not.
Posts: 24453 | From: La La Land | Registered: Apr 2001
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Smudgie
Ship's Barnacle
# 2716
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Posted
Ruth thank you thank you for my nice comfy cabin... and what a wonderful view! The stereo is working well, hope it's not too loud for you other shipmates. (not 'cos I don't want to disturb you, but why should you get the benefit of it too?) Reception on the TV is excellent, considering, and room service too? Thank you. Sorry I didn't thank you sooner, but I've been too busy enjoying the unaccustomed (but well deserved) luxury... Hey Cliona, just look at this sofa!!!!
Just one small favour... Could Dolphy just pop up here for an afternoon a week? I know she's well experienced at scrubbing the decks and could keep the floorboards looking pristine. It's the least I could do for my friend. Oh, and could Sophie come in morning and evening to feed the cat? (just trying to imagine Olorin in a suit).
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Miss you, Erin.
Posts: 14382 | From: Under the duvet | Registered: Apr 2002
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Willyburger
Ship's barber
# 658
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Posted
quote:
RuthW:
Willyburger, show some initiative - steal your own feather pillow and blanket.
I already tried. Everything is gin-soaked and covered with clots of brown fur.
quote:
RuthW:
daisymay: if you don't like the bunk, pick out a lifeboat. Not Willyburger's - there's already been entirely too much disastrous cohabitation aboard ship (see below).
Let's not be hasty. Since good blankets are in such short supply, a friendly game of snugglebunnies would keep the chill away. (can you say 'snugglebunnies' in Hell?)
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Willy, Unix Bigot, Esq.
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Why is it that every time I go out to buy bookshelves, I come home with more books?
Posts: 835 | From: Arizona, US | Registered: Jul 2001
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Olorin
Shipmate
# 2010
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Posted
Sophie! You are married? You never said you wicked wench you.
This complicates things a fair bit. You never mentioned marriage, but I may be persuaded. Perhaps I could host a naked mud-wrestling contest for all those interested? Hmmmmm
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I wrestled with God, and lost by two falls & a submission.
Posts: 390 | From: Hammersmith, London | Registered: Dec 2001
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QLib
Bad Example
# 43
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Posted
I'm not telling you how low I stooped in my efforts at self-medication - mind your own damn business! Though I will say I noticed quite a few people hanging out in the bar more than usual (and trying to start fights). Of course, I couldn't possibly mention any names - or shall I say that I won't as long as I get a nice outside cabin.
As for why you should let me back on board. Well, I may be a pacifist (not a very good one, still practising, don't push your luck) but the young people I work with aren't. And a group of them will be on your side of the pond very shortly. Now, CA may be weird, but there can't be many people there who look like Jane Austen. So let me back on board or I'll send the boys round - OK?
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Tradition is the handing down of the flame, not the worship of the ashes Gustav Mahler.
Posts: 8913 | From: Page 28 | Registered: May 2001
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daisymay
St Elmo's Fire
# 1480
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Willyburger:
quote:
RuthW:
daisymay: if you don't like the bunk, pick out a lifeboat. Not Willyburger's - there's already been entirely too much disastrous cohabitation aboard ship (see below).
Let's not be hasty. Since good blankets are in such short supply, a friendly game of snugglebunnies would keep the chill away. (can you say 'snugglebunnies' in Hell?) [/QB]
Great, Ruth. No more sickness.
I'll stick to my own lifeboat thanks. I'm just nipping off ashore to top up my camping equipment - a nice mummy-shaped sleeping bag, a tarpaulin in case it rains, and a Tangria stove is going to be useful. ![[Smile]](smile.gif) If you're chilly, Willyburger, a hot chocolate might be on offer; bring your own mug.
How's your ironing, Ruth? The next lot should smell sweeter if I can keep Willyburger from snuggling up in it.
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London
Flickr fotos
Posts: 11224 | From: London - originally Dundee, Blairgowrie etc... | Registered: Oct 2001
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