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Source: (consider it) Thread: Alien Household Objects
Jane R
Shipmate
# 331

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Yes, like nicolemr I thought this was going to be about household objects an alien might use.

We have one of these, for example. It looks like alien cutlery but is actually a massage tool, thus allowing me to combine the themes on cutlery and extraterrestrials in the same post.

Posts: 3867 | From: Jorvik | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Sparrow
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# 2458

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I thought it might be about one of these:

http://www.alessi.com/en/products/detail/psjs-juicy-salif-citrus-squeezer

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For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life,nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

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MaryLouise
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# 18697

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Very Philippe Starck, very Alessi. Decidedly like a skinny UFO that has just landed on the kitchen counter.

How dull everything else in my kitchen would look next to it.

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“As regards plots I find real life no help at all. Real life seems to have no plots.”

-- Ivy Compton-Burnett

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mark_in_manchester

not waving, but...
# 15978

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quote:
How dull everything else in my kitchen would look next to it.
If I had one of them, my split formica would be shown up for what it is, and I'd need granite tops. Then the whole 'stuff hanging on cup-hooks' vibe would look weird and I'd need new units with drawers in. They'd have to be those clever drawers which won't shut with a bang, maybe (and I haven't made this up) with depressions in them to fit specific kitchen gizmos, that make it hard to replace a broken tin-opener with one of the exact same profile. Then the silver paper covering the holes in the bottom of the oven would annoy me, so I'd need a new one, and a hob to match.

By the time I'd come in after a hard day's paying for it, I'd be glad I'd kept the toaster.

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"We are punished by our sins, not for them" - Elbert Hubbard
(so good, I wanted to see it after my posts and not only after those of shipmate JBohn from whom I stole it)

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Jane R
Shipmate
# 331

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mark_in_manchester:
quote:
If I had one of them, my split formica would be shown up for what it is, and I'd need granite tops. Then the whole 'stuff hanging on cup-hooks' vibe would look weird and I'd need new units with drawers in. They'd have to be those clever drawers which won't shut with a bang, maybe (and I haven't made this up) with depressions in them to fit specific kitchen gizmos, that make it hard to replace a broken tin-opener with one of the exact same profile. Then the silver paper covering the holes in the bottom of the oven would annoy me, so I'd need a new one, and a hob to match.

[Killing me] The next step after that is obvious: you will need to remodel the rest of the house as well so it can live up to the kitchen.

<tangent> We recently inherited a grandfather clock which looks badly out of place in our bog-standard 1980s house... we feel as if the clock is telling us to move to a Georgian mansion. Not that we can afford to do anything of the sort, of course... even a Victorian terrace in the city centre would be beyond our means.

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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528

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quote:
Originally posted by Jane R:
[Killing me] The next step after that is obvious: you will need to remodel the rest of the house as well so it can live up to the kitchen.


Yes, and then one starts putting pressure on the neighbors...

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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!

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Brenda Clough
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# 18061

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Not to mention on the personal appearance. You can become too scruffy and down-market for your domicile, and then what?

[ 08. August 2017, 19:51: Message edited by: Brenda Clough ]

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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page

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Bishops Finger
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# 5430

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Ah, I've found the answer to that one!

As I become more aged, scruffy, and down-market, so does the Episcopal Palace (though it is kept reasonably clean, swept, and tidy).

[Biased]

IJ

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The future is another country - they might do things differently there...

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cliffdweller
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# 13338

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quote:
Originally posted by Jane R:
mark_in_manchester:
quote:
If I had one of them, my split formica would be shown up for what it is, and I'd need granite tops. Then the whole 'stuff hanging on cup-hooks' vibe would look weird and I'd need new units with drawers in. They'd have to be those clever drawers which won't shut with a bang, maybe (and I haven't made this up) with depressions in them to fit specific kitchen gizmos, that make it hard to replace a broken tin-opener with one of the exact same profile. Then the silver paper covering the holes in the bottom of the oven would annoy me, so I'd need a new one, and a hob to match.

[Killing me] The next step after that is obvious: you will need to remodel the rest of the house as well so it can live up to the kitchen.

<tangent> We recently inherited a grandfather clock which looks badly out of place in our bog-standard 1980s house... we feel as if the clock is telling us to move to a Georgian mansion. Not that we can afford to do anything of the sort, of course... even a Victorian terrace in the city centre would be beyond our means.

This reminds me with both joy and terror of the time I asked Dear Husband to fix a leaky bathroom faucet and it turned into a year-long remodel with complete gutting of the only bathroom in our condo.

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"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid." -Frederick Buechner

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Bishops Finger
Shipmate
# 5430

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Which is another good reason for Leaving Things Alone!

IJ

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The future is another country - they might do things differently there...

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Bishops Finger
Shipmate
# 5430

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Which is another good reason for Leaving Things Alone!

IJ

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The future is another country - they might do things differently there...

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Baptist Trainfan
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# 15128

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quote:
Originally posted by Jane R:
mark_in_manchester:
quote:
If I had one of them, my split formica would be shown up for what it is, and I'd need granite tops. Then the whole 'stuff hanging on cup-hooks' vibe would look weird and I'd need new units with drawers in ...
[Killing me] The next step after that is obvious: you will need to remodel the rest of the house as well so it can live up to the kitchen ...
This is getting me worried, as we have a new oven coming on Friday. However (a) there is a good reason for this, as the present one which we inherited when we moved in is hopeless; and (b) we've deliberately bought one which will tone in with everything else rather than shouting its newness - I hope! [Cool]
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Baptist Trainfan
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# 15128

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quote:
Originally posted by Bishops Finger:
Which is another good reason for Leaving Things Alone!

I blame the Monstrous Regiment of Houseproud Wives (scuttles for cover but fails to avoid the brickbats).
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Brenda Clough
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# 18061

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In our bathroom the soap dish fell off the bathtub wall. My husband reaffixed it with glue. And I warned him, that if the glue didn't work, larger and more stern measures would have to be taken. Well, it didn't. We had to gut and redesign the whole thing.

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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page

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mark_in_manchester

not waving, but...
# 15978

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quote:
Not to mention on the personal appearance. You can become too scruffy and down-market for your domicile, and then what?

I suppose one upside is that dental implants are mind-bendingly expensive, but taken as a small-ish fraction of a complete house build, some folks might just stick 'em on the mortgage and get on with it.

Personally, I'm staying the f*** away from that f****** lemon squeezer (and going for a long mustache to conceal dental irregularities).

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"We are punished by our sins, not for them" - Elbert Hubbard
(so good, I wanted to see it after my posts and not only after those of shipmate JBohn from whom I stole it)

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Bishops Finger
Shipmate
# 5430

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Brenda's tale of the soap-dish reminds me of my Old Dad trying to replace one loose tile in the bathroom, and ending up replacing the whole bl**dy lot (well, that's what he called it.).

IJ

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The future is another country - they might do things differently there...

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Brenda Clough
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# 18061

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Tiles don't usually commit hara-kiri for no reason; usually the damp has crept behind the tiles and begun to rot the board behind them. There is no solution except to rip it all out and make the surface beneath good.

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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page

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Jane R
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# 331

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Brenda, you clearly used the wrong glue.

Shortly after we moved into our current abode, I glued the towel rail to the bathroom wall in a fit of pique because I was sick of it falling off.

Many years later, when we were redecorating... "Why won't the towel rail come off? Oh. Ah."

We ended up painting round it. If we ever want to get rid of it we'll have to remodel the whole bathroom, as you did [Help]

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Bishops Finger
Shipmate
# 5430

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In my Old Dad's case, it was damp and rotting plaster behind the tiles that did the dirty on him..

IJ

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The future is another country - they might do things differently there...

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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061

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We must blame my husband; all these issues devolve upon him. And I warned him, fair and square, did I not? Spend either $5 or $10,000, my love, but a functional bathroom we must and shall have.

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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page

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jedijudy

Organist of the Jedi Temple
# 333

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I think a thread dedicated to home remodeling stories would do very well!

As a return to Aliens in the Home, may I present a very useful white plastic mixing bowl that found its way into my kitchen? After a fruitless search for the rightful owner, it became a great addition to my regular kitchen stuff. Until it disappeared. [Paranoid]

Obviously it had fulfilled its purpose here, and wandered off to help some other lucky person.

jedijudy
Helpful Heaven Host and tangent trimmer


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Jasmine, little cat with a big heart.

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Pigwidgeon

Ship's Owl
# 10192

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When I was cleaning up from a party a few years ago a plate showed up. It wasn't mine, and no one at the party claimed it. (It was not a pot-luck, so only a couple of people had even brought plates.) I assume it was going down my street, saw all the cars and people, and decided to join the fun. And it became that one guest who never knows when it's time to leave.

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Don't keep calm. Go change the world.

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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061

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I threw a party for myself, for my 50th birthday, and invited my entire circle of acquaintance. People showed up who have never been here before. Someone left a lipstick holder, one of those purse things. But inside the lipstick holder was a pearl necklace, pinkish pearls.
I asked everyone; nobody recognized it. I kept it on the bookcase for years. Finally a few years ago I turned 60. I threw yet another party and again invited everyone I knew. This time I set the necklace in the middle of the coffee table with a sign, "IS THIS YOURS?"
Again, nobody claimed it. So I gave up. I took it to a jeweler and learned that they were real pearls. Then I sold the thing on Ebay. So far nobody has asked for it, but by now more than ten years after the fact, it's over.

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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page

Posts: 5356 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014  |  IP: Logged
mark_in_manchester

not waving, but...
# 15978

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Man finds pearl necklace in his pocket as he pulls out a handkerchief while attending your party with his wife. He thinks is might be his wife's, but he's not sure - it might also belong to his mistress. He's in a total panic, because if the latter is true, it's presence on his person is completely compromising. In either case, he doesn't want to just dump it. What to do?

He finds one of your guest's discarded empty lipstick in the bathroom where he's gone to slow his breathing and think out what to do. He decides to leave it tucked somewhere with the necklace in it, in (known-to-be-totally-honest) your house, so that when it is discovered he has total plausible deniability. Then he waits to see if it is his wife's - she'll hear from you when you circulate a description - or not, in which case it was safe to discard it and he will buy the mistress another one.

Hang on, *you're* the author... [Smile]

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"We are punished by our sins, not for them" - Elbert Hubbard
(so good, I wanted to see it after my posts and not only after those of shipmate JBohn from whom I stole it)

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Bishops Finger
Shipmate
# 5430

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[Killing me]

[Overused]

IJ

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The future is another country - they might do things differently there...

Posts: 8712 | From: With The Glums At The Bus Stop | Registered: Jan 2004  |  IP: Logged
Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061

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=Very= good, and covers all the bases. The thing must have been worth a hundred dollars new, not the sort of trinket you would just lose or forget about. I trust its new owner is enjoying it.

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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page

Posts: 5356 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014  |  IP: Logged
LutheranChik
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# 9826

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Not quite alien, but in an alien place: While vacuuming the sofa the other day, I discovered our silicone basting brush underneath one of the cushions. As you might imagine, this gave me great pause -- is this how dementia starts? I wondered -- then I remembered that E1, my Dear Spouse, had been cleaning off some " smalls" for our antique booth, and had mentioned she needed a soft brush.

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Simul iustus et peccator
http://www.lutheranchiklworddiary.blogspot.com

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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528

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I found a long-handled spoon in bed with us. Two days later it became evident that Mr L had shingles and had grabbed something for the ferocious itching. (in unison, now: Ewwwwwwwwww...)

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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!

Posts: 19956 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged



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