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Source: (consider it) Thread: Types of Church
Sipech
Shipmate
# 16870

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I came across an amusing take on different types of churches today. It seems quite geared for a US audience, though some seemed quite familiar.

What other types of churches might there be?
  • We spend more on our after service coffee than on the communion wine
  • We only say 'real presence' because we can't pronounce transubstantiation once we've downed the leftovers
  • When we said everybody was welcome, we never actually expected any visitors to turn up


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I try to be self-deprecating; I'm just not very good at it.
Twitter: http://twitter.com/TheAlethiophile

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Bishops Finger
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# 5430

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We are autism-aware, as long as your child doesn't SHOUT.....

(I rather liked this one - 18. I spend my Spring Break saving people I’m better than! That’s why Jesus loves ME).

IJ

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Our words are giants when they do us an injury, and dwarfs when they do us a service. (Wilkie Collins)

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Gamaliel
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# 812

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How about:

- We are so 'relevant', hip and up-to-date we only use jargon our own set understand.

- Ours is a FUN church. Yes! Fun! We have a whale of a time like you wouldn't believe. Why would anyone would waste their time down the pub or at a theme park or sports game when church is such FUN? We are having such fun, fun, FUN! Why last Sunday I even got to play with the poster paint.

Meanwhile, on a more serious note, you do realise, Sipech that 'real presence' and 'transubstantiation' aren't necessarily synonymous?

So, how about?

- We're the nuanced church. Pedantry is important. Why, we can tell you the distinction between Amyraldianism and Supralapsarianism. We can help you distinguish your alb from your elbow.

--------------------
Let us with a gladsome mind
Praise the Lord for He is kind.

http://philthebard.blogspot.com

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Ricardus
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# 8757

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We are a Little-Endian church. Don't listen to that other important layperson who says we are a Big-Endian church.

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Then the dog ran before, and coming as if he had brought the news, shewed his joy by his fawning and wagging his tail. -- Tobit 11:9 (Douai-Rheims)

Posts: 7178 | From: Liverpool, UK | Registered: Nov 2004  |  IP: Logged
georgiaboy
Shipmate
# 11294

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The curate at my former parish had a sign on his office door which read 'Jesus loves everybody, but I'm his favorite!'

It was shortly (and briefly) replaced by one which read 'Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an ass-hole.'

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You can't retire from a calling.

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Schroedinger's cat

Ship's cool cat
# 64

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"In this church we worship God. Who is represented in person by the pastor."

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Blog
Music for your enjoyment
Lord may all my hard times be healing times
take out this broken heart and renew my mind.

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Hedgehog

Ship's Shortstop
# 14125

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quote:
16. Mostly here for the architecture
Guilty as charged. I have a selection of RC churches in my area that I could attend, and my choice is largely determined by architecture. [Hot and Hormonal]

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"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'

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churchgeek

Have candles, will pray
# 5557

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Nobody here speaks Spanish as a native language, but we like to sing the occasional song or have the occasional Gospel read in Spanish, just in case a Latinx person should accidentally wander in - they would feel so welcome, because we're so aware they exist!

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I reserve the right to change my mind.

My article on the Virgin of Vladimir

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Sipech
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# 16870

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We demonstrate our love for you by convincing you that we're right.

--------------------
I try to be self-deprecating; I'm just not very good at it.
Twitter: http://twitter.com/TheAlethiophile

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Og, King of Bashan

Ship's giant Amorite
# 9562

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The Pastor's own personal struggles against various sexual "sins" are fair game for sermon material.

(I don't often visit non-denominational evangelical churches, but when I do, I'm always shocked by what the pastor will casually share in a sermon.)

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"I like to eat crawfish and drink beer. That's despair?" ― Walker Percy

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Amanda B. Reckondwythe

Dressed for Church
# 5521

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"Come for the wine . . . stay for the wine!"

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"Stop your noisy songs; I do not want to listen to your praise bands." -- Amos 5:23, Good News Bible (modified)

Posts: 10351 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged
Enoch
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# 14322

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- It doesn't matter if we (or you) believe, but everything, the music, and the liturgy is in the best of taste, and of course we only use the AV and are strictly 1662. None of that modern English here. As a special treat, the vicar has been known to read us a sermon by John Donne or Lancelot Andrewes.

- We mainly define ourselves by what we disapprove of, no enthusiasm, no displays of emotion, no Popery, not even any crossing yourself. If you like any of those sort of things, there are plenty of other places you can go to. And children are definitely seen and not heard - mind, I can't actually remember when we last saw one here.

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Brexit wrexit - Sir Graham Watson

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Gamaliel
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# 812

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Where is that first place, Enoch? Can I join?

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Let us with a gladsome mind
Praise the Lord for He is kind.

http://philthebard.blogspot.com

Posts: 15526 | From: Cheshire, UK | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
Enoch
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# 14322

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quote:
Originally posted by Gamaliel:
Where is that first place, Enoch? Can I join?

[Razz]

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Brexit wrexit - Sir Graham Watson

Posts: 7389 | From: Bristol UK(was European Green Capital 2015, now Ljubljana) | Registered: Nov 2008  |  IP: Logged
churchgeek

Have candles, will pray
# 5557

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ALL ARE WELCOME!*

*But if you're a person of color, you'd better act white.
*But if you're LGBT, you're going to have to change your "lifestyle."
*But if you're politically liberal, you're going to have to keep quiet.
*But if you're shy, you're going to have to ask the Holy Spirit to make you on fire for Jesus!
*But if you're depressive, you need to stop listening to the devil's lies.
*But if you don't like "contemporary" music, you'll need ear plugs for worship.
*But if your kids are in public school, you're gonna want to home-school them.
*But...but...but...

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I reserve the right to change my mind.

My article on the Virgin of Vladimir

Posts: 7720 | From: Detroit | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged
Gamaliel
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# 812

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- We use modern music in our services. It sounds like Coldplay or U2. That's how up to the minute we are.

- Our pastor is the north side of 45 but keeps saying, 'So, there I was ...' and, 'I was like ...' and 'She was like
...'That's how 'now' we are.

- We are really just really just, we want to really just welcome you to our church. We really just want you to know that. We really just mean that, we really just do.

- We are not one of those hell-fire and damnation outfits. We preach the love of Christ. Unless you are [insert subgroup or minority group of choice ...]

- Reformed? Yes, we are, but we draw on a wider frame of reference. Why, only last year we mentioned J C Ryle as well as Spurgeon ...

- You won't hear us using 'thees' and 'thous' and that AV language, nor using religious jargon of any kind. We are simply vision-casting our mission to the particular people-group the Lord has called us to minister unto in his holy name so that the unreached shall be saved, the prodigals restored and new birth shall spring-up under the anointing so that people will actually understand, really, really understand, just what it is to use our particular catch-phrases in the name of Jee-zus.

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Let us with a gladsome mind
Praise the Lord for He is kind.

http://philthebard.blogspot.com

Posts: 15526 | From: Cheshire, UK | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
Moo

Ship's tough old bird
# 107

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quote:
Originally posted by georgiaboy:
The curate at my former parish had a sign on his office door which read 'Jesus loves everybody, but I'm his favorite!'

Alexandra, who was a shippie back in the neoworks days, used to write parodies. Here is her version of 'Jesus loves me'.
quote:
Jesus loves me,
I'm so glad
Never tells me I've been bad
He's my mascot, he's my pet
Everything I want I get
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes Jesus loves me
He loves me more than you.

Moo

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Kerygmania host
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See you later, alligator.

Posts: 20256 | From: Alleghany Mountains of Virginia | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Gill H

Shipmate
# 68

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I miss Alexandra! If anyone is still in touch, say hello to her.

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Searching for a new sig...

Posts: 9158 | From: London | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Ian Climacus

Liturgical Slattern
# 944

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We were formed by immigrants 60 years ago.

We still speak the tongue of the old land. No problem: we have translations. Or you can learn the language if you fancy. Sermons in English.

Our sermons will consist of constant reminders, to the rebels scattered in the congregation who have concerns for their children, that English is insufficient to convey the majesty of God's Liturgy (but sermons are fine supposedly). Only true understanders of our Ancient Tongue can have any hope of right worship.

[I was fine with #2; #3 tipped me over the edge.]

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Schroedinger's cat

Ship's cool cat
# 64

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We are your local parish church! Please come and join us! Or we will close, and then where will you be?

Well, probably in bed as you currently are.

Anyhow we need you to come and validate us, but don't ask us to change or we will have to drive you out.

--------------------
Blog
Music for your enjoyment
Lord may all my hard times be healing times
take out this broken heart and renew my mind.

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Boogie

Boogie on down!
# 13538

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In our Church we are all so happy ...

Happy to see you here ...

Happy Clappy ...

Sing happy worship songs, few hymns ...

We love you tube and use it at least three times in a service...

Our sermons are happy and encourage you to work hard for Jesus ...

We are even Happy at funerals!

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Garden. Room. Walk

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betjemaniac
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# 17618

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quote:
Originally posted by Gamaliel:
Where is that first place, Enoch? Can I join?

I could recommend one or two in the diocese of Oxford....

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And is it true? For if it is....

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Gamaliel
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# 812

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Except I don't live near Oxford ...

Ok, some more ...

- Welcome to our healing and miracle service! The blind will see, the deaf hear, the lame walk! If not, it's their own fault.

- God is doing a New Thing! Come and see how God is doing a New Thing among us. It's New and it's a Thing. A New Thing. It replaces the New Thing that was new 14 months ago and will itself be replaced in turn by the New Thing that is about to happen in 4 months time ... then there will be a New New Thing that God is doing among us (which makes it the newest New Thing we've had going on so far).

We're not one of those churches which asks you to leave your brain at the door when you come in, we ask you to leave your memory behind as well.

--------------------
Let us with a gladsome mind
Praise the Lord for He is kind.

http://philthebard.blogspot.com

Posts: 15526 | From: Cheshire, UK | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
LutheranChik
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# 9826

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" We are a family church! We LOVE families! Unless your family is not composed of one dominant male married to one subservient female, with at least two children...in which case we'd rather you not set foot in here."

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Simul iustus et peccator
http://www.lutheranchiklworddiary.blogspot.com

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churchgeek

Have candles, will pray
# 5557

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Sadly, around where I live, there are plenty of these:

--"Please help us save our windows! Help us save our building!" ... [crickets] ... [several years go by] ... "Hey, what a shame that church is abandoned! Why would anyone let it come to that? It must've been beautiful back in the day. What a waste!"

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I reserve the right to change my mind.

My article on the Virgin of Vladimir

Posts: 7720 | From: Detroit | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged
Piglet
Islander
# 11803

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quote:
Originally posted by Enoch:
- ... we only use the AV and are strictly 1662. None of that modern English here ...

I'll be right over. Does your choir need any altos? [Biased]

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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

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balaam

Making an ass of myself
# 4543

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quote:
Originally posted by Gamaliel:
- Welcome to our healing and miracle service! The blind will see, the deaf hear, the lame walk! If not, it's their own fault.

Ouch, been there. The joys of being a charismatic cripple.

- The principles of this church are John 3:16 - “For God so loved the world,[a] that he gave his only Son, that straight people who believe in him should not perish but have eternal life."

- Free spiritual blessing if you attend this service

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Fearfully and wonderfully mad
Love the dinner, hate the din.
ن
blog

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balaam

Making an ass of myself
# 4543

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- First Church of the Victim Blamers.

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Fearfully and wonderfully mad
Love the dinner, hate the din.
ن
blog

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sabine
Shipmate
# 3861

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1) We donate money to social services, but if a homeless person comes in during the service, well...that's just awkward.

2) If you're new, you will have to stand alone with your coffee during fellowship for a solid month before we can assume you're serious about being here.

3) Haven't graduated from high school yet? Great! We need you for the next video presentation during worship.

4) Large family? No worries. We need new Sunday School teachers. We assume you've already figured out how to juggle everything.

sabine

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"Hunger looks like the man that hunger is killing." Eduardo Galeano

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Enoch
Shipmate
# 14322

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We are a family church in the truest sense of the word. We are all related to one another. We have two pastors. The assistant one is married to the senior one's daughter. And if anyone who isn't already related to us starts coming, we'll steer towards them one of our unmarried brothers, sisters, nephews, nieces or cousins, as the case may be - provided of course that if you are a sister, you wear the right sort of hat and don't wear make-up or trousers on Sundays.

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Brexit wrexit - Sir Graham Watson

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Gamaliel
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# 812

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- We understand that people these days are unfamiliar with church-speak or Christian jargon.

So when they come we simply tell them of their need to be born again, to be washed in the blood of the Lamb, that Fountain filled with Blood, drawn from Emmanuel's veins, in which sinners plunged beneath that Flood lose all their guilty stains ... to have their sins forgiven on account of his name, to make the good confession in front of many witnesses, to invite the Lord-ah Jeez-us-ah into-ah their-ah hearts-ah and to seek entire sanctification and that holiness without which it is impossible to see the Lord ...

- We don't complicate things. We simply ask them to prayer a 'prayer of commitment' following a 30-second Gospel presentation. Then wonder why they don't turn up the following Sunday.

--------------------
Let us with a gladsome mind
Praise the Lord for He is kind.

http://philthebard.blogspot.com

Posts: 15526 | From: Cheshire, UK | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
Gamaliel
Shipmate
# 812

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- Welcome to our All-Age Service. It is suitable for anyone aged four-and-a-half or younger.

--------------------
Let us with a gladsome mind
Praise the Lord for He is kind.

http://philthebard.blogspot.com

Posts: 15526 | From: Cheshire, UK | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
Bishops Finger
Shipmate
# 5430

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(Just popping in to say how funny, inventive, and true these suggestions are! Thank you, one and all.)

IJ

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Our words are giants when they do us an injury, and dwarfs when they do us a service. (Wilkie Collins)

Posts: 9443 | From: Behind The Wheel Again! | Registered: Jan 2004  |  IP: Logged
Sipech
Shipmate
# 16870

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I wonder if any could be described thus: Popped in after reading about it on Ship of Fools

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I try to be self-deprecating; I'm just not very good at it.
Twitter: http://twitter.com/TheAlethiophile

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Eutychus
From the edge
# 3081

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Gamaliel, I think I discern a root of bitterness, brother. If we could just get a few folk from the ministry team over here...

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Let's remember that we are to build the Kingdom of God, not drive people away - pastor Frank Pomeroy

Posts: 17309 | From: 528491 | Registered: Jul 2002  |  IP: Logged
Enoch
Shipmate
# 14322

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quote:
Originally posted by Eutychus:
Gamaliel, I think I discern a root of bitterness, brother. If we could just get a few folk from the ministry team over here...

That gets a [Overused]

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Brexit wrexit - Sir Graham Watson

Posts: 7389 | From: Bristol UK(was European Green Capital 2015, now Ljubljana) | Registered: Nov 2008  |  IP: Logged
Gamaliel
Shipmate
# 812

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Ha ha ha ...

--------------------
Let us with a gladsome mind
Praise the Lord for He is kind.

http://philthebard.blogspot.com

Posts: 15526 | From: Cheshire, UK | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
Schroedinger's cat

Ship's cool cat
# 64

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"We are open to all things of the spirit here. We have seen new movements of God working in our time. We want to see what God is bringing anew to us."

"Oh, you support alternative sexuality and gender fludity? Well, those works of the devil are not acceptable her. You need to get some counselling."

--------------------
Blog
Music for your enjoyment
Lord may all my hard times be healing times
take out this broken heart and renew my mind.

Posts: 18683 | From: At the bottom of a deep dark well. | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
roybart
Shipmate
# 17357

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We are the Church that is Never at a Loss of Words.

We chatter with our friends before our service. We recite prayers, etc., from a written script. We read snippets of Scripture aloud. We pray aloud from a the same written script.

We sing ALL verses of hymns carefully chosen from one of the creatively fallow periods of Protestant hymnody. Our rector preaches aloud ... and with a MICOPHONE!. The congregation (aka "the people") recites a long list of theological propositions" that "we" believe, even if we do not always believe or even understand them. We wish as many people as possible"the Peace of the Lord", journeying up and down the aisles to catch up on news from those we were unable to talk to before the opening processional. The rector calls out three times to get our attention and back to our pews so that he read the announcements.

No "moment of silence" lasts more than 20 seconds.

Returning from receiving the eucharist, we wave at the friends we pass (sign language!). After being dismissed we rush to COFFEE hour in the parish hall where we can chat as long and loudly as we please, praiseGod.

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"The consolations of the imaginary are not imaginary consolations."
-- Roger Scruton

Posts: 536 | From: here | Registered: Sep 2012  |  IP: Logged
Sipech
Shipmate
# 16870

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Please don't point out that our name makes us sound like a fold-up tricycle.

--------------------
I try to be self-deprecating; I'm just not very good at it.
Twitter: http://twitter.com/TheAlethiophile

Posts: 3728 | From: On the corporate ladder | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged
churchgeek

Have candles, will pray
# 5557

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quote:
Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
"We are open to all things of the spirit here. We have seen new movements of God working in our time. We want to see what God is bringing anew to us."

"Oh, you support alternative sexuality and gender fludity? Well, those works of the devil are not acceptable her. You need to get some counselling."

"...because the Bible says it's wrong, and we've never known any of this to happen before, so case closed.

"Now, back to the Spirit's new movements..."

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I reserve the right to change my mind.

My article on the Virgin of Vladimir

Posts: 7720 | From: Detroit | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged
Rossweisse

High Church Valkyrie
# 2349

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quote:
Originally posted by Sipech:
I wonder if any could be described thus: Popped in after reading about it on Ship of Fools

My friends ad I visited St. Alfege (which I want to call "St. Solfege") in Greenwich, England, after I checked out the choir in MW.

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I'm not dead yet.

Posts: 14752 | From: Valhalla | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged
LutheranChik
Shipmate
# 9826

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"We have a vague, non- religious name -- The River, The Powerhouse, The Gathering -- so as not to put off those leery of organized religion.

" Likewise, our website reads like a cross between a business prospectus and a resort brochure -- lots of corporatespeak, lots of stock photography, lots of shiny, happy people.

" It will take you about 20 minutes to burrow your way to the sub-sub page where we explain the actual theology being taught in our church.

" Surprise! We're de facto Southern Baptists. Inerrant Bible, no women in authority, no gayz, no libruls. But we do have a band and a coffeehouse."


"

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Simul iustus et peccator
http://www.lutheranchiklworddiary.blogspot.com

Posts: 6356 | From: rural Michigan, USA | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged
churchgeek

Have candles, will pray
# 5557

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(Out of the depths of my past experiences...)

-----

"We don't do liturgy. We let the Holy Spirit lead the service. We're not into all that tradition, like some dead church where you just go through all the motions.

"We love visitors! When you come to church, you'll be welcomed by someone at the door who can answer your questions and show you where to pick up your visitor's name tag. An usher will show you into the sanctuary, where you can sit wherever you please. There's no bulletin, because we like to give the Spirit free rein, and not dictate what happens next.

"So the service begins at 11:00. First, the pastor will walk up to the pulpit and welcome everyone, then the praise band will launch into a song service - the words are up on the screen for you to sing along. Then there will be a sermon, followed by an altar call and time of prayer. Then we'll sing more songs, during which an offering will be taken. Then the announcements, and finally, everyone goes to the Fellowship Hall for some refreshments and, well, fellowship. It all lasts about an hour. Well, more like 55 minutes.

"Just so you know what to expect."

-----

"We have Communion on the first Sunday of every month. We don't like to do it too often, for some reason we can't quite explain. We also can't quite explain the point of it... It's how we remember Jesus' death. You know, apart from the big cross in the front of the church, the sermons, and most of the songs we sing. But that grape juice just looks like blood, so you really remember when you hold that little cup before drinking it, when you're put in mind of Welch's grape jelly."

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I reserve the right to change my mind.

My article on the Virgin of Vladimir

Posts: 7720 | From: Detroit | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged
SvitlanaV2
Shipmate
# 16967

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There are, of course, churches where everyone gets a pew to themselves. You get to safeguard your personal space.

There are also churches where and no one is interested in anyone else's sex life. Sometimes this means they're not interested in each others' lives generally. This can be very useful.

The lesser spotted 'type of church' is one that's packed to the rafters, but everyone minds their own business.

Posts: 6473 | From: UK | Registered: Feb 2012  |  IP: Logged
Sipech
Shipmate
# 16870

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quote:
Originally posted by SvitlanaV2:
There are, of course, churches where everyone gets a pew to themselves. You get to safeguard your personal space.

That seems to be just about every church I ever go to. I wonder if it's something about an unmarried chap in his mid 30s that is just alien to people's expectations about the kind of people who go to church that other people want to keep their distance in case they catch something.

Not that I'm complaining about being left in peace. Gives me space to make observations. [Snigger]

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I try to be self-deprecating; I'm just not very good at it.
Twitter: http://twitter.com/TheAlethiophile

Posts: 3728 | From: On the corporate ladder | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged
LutheranChik
Shipmate
# 9826

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On that same note:

"Who are you, and what are you doing in our church?"

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Simul iustus et peccator
http://www.lutheranchiklworddiary.blogspot.com

Posts: 6356 | From: rural Michigan, USA | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged
no prophet's flag is set so...

Proceed to see sea
# 15560

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Peace be with you, and also with you and you and you and you and you etc. (make sure to shake hands with absolutely everyone in the congregation, some of them twice, and ensure you ask them all about their garden, grandchildren, hemorrhoids, the church light bulb committee, the weather, isn't it lovely to see a Young Person in church today continuing to catch up with other. Oh damn there's the offertory hymn, how bloody annoying to interrupt us!)

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Out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safety.
\_(ツ)_/

Posts: 11173 | From: Treaty 6 territory in the nonexistant Province of Buffalo, Canada ↄ⃝' | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged
Gramps49
Shipmate
# 16378

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We question authority.
Posts: 2065 | From: Pullman WA | Registered: Apr 2011  |  IP: Logged
balaam

Making an ass of myself
# 4543

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quote:
Originally posted by Gramps49:
We question authority.

Authority questions you.


(That's you plural, aimed at the church, not aimed at Gramps)

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Fearfully and wonderfully mad
Love the dinner, hate the din.
ن
blog

Posts: 8832 | From: Somewhere else | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged



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