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Shine, don't whine; you'll be just fine.

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It's a corrupted fertility festival. Pass me some chocolate.

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Originally posted by Matt Black:
Same with the Exclusives, except the old ladies wouldn't have done the bingo-style calling (as they don't have willies) and no organ (double-entendre intended).

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Originally posted by Kelly Alves:


When I first joined the Ship, we had a thread in which people gave the title of their autobiographies-- mine was The Definition of Insanity; or, If The Raven Keeps Saying 'Nevermore', Why Do You Keep Asking It So Many Goddamn Questions?

Nowadays it would be more like I Seriously Don't Give A Fuck: My Journey of Self-Acceptance.

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Don't bother answering, 'cause my giveadamn's broke.

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Originally posted by art dunce:
Arrogance masquerading as false humility is yucky.

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Well, I really wanna care.
I wanna feel somethin'.
Let me dig a little deeper:
No, I'm sorry.
Just nothin', you know.
You've really done it this time, ha, ha.
My give-a-damn's busted.

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I may not be chaste, but at least I do not have St. Jacqueline of Farmington confused with Monica Lewinsky.

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God promised he would never wipe everything out in one go again. And the world will carry on turning for as long as it exists, and there is going to be weather and plants and food and stuff like that, pretty much however bad people got.

God was so pleased with this new policy deal that he announced it twice, having already told everyone about it in the previous chapter. And then he signed both sides of the agreement himself, because he is God and so he can get away with that sort of thing. He didn't sign it on paper but on the sky. In big bright glowing colours, which is only possible because he designed the laws of physics just right so that it would work. Being God, he can get away with that sort of thing as well. And he does like to show off a little bit now and again.

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Let my Peephole go!

Oops, wrong Testament.

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Posted                       

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Originally posted by BWSmith:
And Shem was Abraham's great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather. Gen 11:10-26

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Originally posted by ken:

Myrrh: I believe in God and I think priests are good.

TT: so do I

Myrrh: No you don't you are a Roman Catholic, Roman Catholics believe in a different God, the Divine Arnold, a giant plastic lobster at the bottom of the garden who eats Jewish babies for breakfast so that they can go to Hell unbaptised. And they have pretend priests who go around play-acting Jesus Christ and trying to conquer the world.

TT: No, we believe in the same God as you and our priests are pretty much the same as yours as well.

Myrrh:
But the Blessed Father David Danielovich Kaminsky wrote:

quote:

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The Visigoths in Spain abandoned their Arian heresy and became nominally Orthodox, but in fact they were whoring after an intriguing combination of crunchy shredded vegetables, salty Chinese sausage and oyster sauce rolled in whole-wheat pancakes. Because of this, in the Last Days when the Master of all Masters comes back, those fake priests will fail to get out of their barnacles and put they'll be in the hot cocolorum for ever!

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TT: No, we really do believe in God and we really do have priests and I'm not pretending to be anything.

Myrrh: Your "god" is not really God at all but a seafood dish popular among dockworkers in fifth-century Carthage. As the Holy Magnus Bollokides of Machynlleth wrote:

quote:

---

About 666 AD the monks of Athos revealed to the world a recipe handed down to them from the Apostles in person containing mayonnaise, celery, and fresh burned heretic placed on a heated hot-dog roll that has come to be known as the "Famous Fanar Island Heretic Roll". This shows that God pours His grace upon mankind, and has done so from the beginning. God has been moving towards us the whole time, unless we are Catholic Serb-murdering lying scumbags of the sort who started the First World War in order to spread Frankish corruption over Romanity. We keep backing away from God, that's the real theology of Sin. But he will catch up to all of us (all that is who aren't pseudo-Protestant Western commy pinko bastards) no matter what we say (other than the evil "filioque" of course), its just whether or not we've decided to move towards him or keep backing away that's going to determing what the experience is like - either theosis or being burned alive in a pit of raw prawns with sharpened nippers while begging castrated Augustinian monks to piss on you. That's why a bright light shines over Pelagius's grave even though the Bishop of Cape Cod warned that it is "heresy to go about with such tales". Religion is a neurobiological sickness with a specific cure of simply divine whole fried clams handed down by the prophets and soux-chefs of Orange and Marseilles, which those whose brains are infected by the Augustinan virus cannot even think about without exploding in a fountain of Calvinist puss

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TT: I suspect that that might not be from an entirely reliable source.

Myrrh: Fucking liar of a pseudopriest! You only say that because you hate me and want to pretend to be Orthodox to insult my mother's grave! I'm going to tell on you in Hell you EVIL STALKER!!!!!!!

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Just as I should never be allowed to arrange flowers (no artistic eye for it all) they should never arrange their own romances.

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Posted                       

quote:

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Originally posted by Ahleal V:
I think this particular Hellpost sums up why I love the Ship.

x

AV

quote:

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Originally posted by ken:

Myrrh: I believe in God and I think priests are good.

TT: so do I

Myrrh: No you don't you are a Roman Catholic, Roman Catholics believe in a different God, the Divine Arnold, a giant plastic lobster at the bottom of the garden who eats Jewish babies for breakfast so that they can go to Hell unbaptised. And they have pretend priests who go around play-acting Jesus Christ and trying to conquer the world.

TT: No, we believe in the same God as you and our priests are pretty much the same as yours as well.

Myrrh:
But the Blessed Father David Danielovich Kaminsky wrote:

quote:

---

The Visigoths in Spain abandoned their Arian heresy and became nominally Orthodox, but in fact they were whoring after an intriguing combination of crunchy shredded vegetables, salty Chinese sausage and oyster sauce rolled in whole-wheat pancakes. Because of this, in the Last Days when the Master of all Masters comes back, those fake priests will fail to get out of their barnacles and put they'll be in the hot cocolorum for ever!

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TT: No, we really do believe in God and we really do have priests and I'm not pretending to be anything.

Myrrh: Your "god" is not really God at all but a seafood dish popular among dockworkers in fifth-century Carthage. As the Holy Magnus Bollokides of Machynlleth wrote:

quote:

---

About 666 AD the monks of Athos revealed to the world a recipe handed down to them from the Apostles in person containing mayonnaise, celery, and fresh burned heretic placed on a heated hot-dog roll that has come to be known as the "Famous Fanar Island Heretic Roll". This shows that God pours His grace upon mankind, and has done so from the beginning. God has been moving towards us the whole time, unless we are Catholic Serb-murdering lying scumbags of the sort who started the First World War in order to spread Frankish corruption over Romanity. We keep backing away from God, that's the real theology of Sin. But he will catch up to all of us (all that is who aren't pseudo-Protestant Western commy pinko bastards) no matter what we say (other than the evil "filioque" of course), its just whether or not we've decided to move towards him or keep backing away that's going to determing what the experience is like - either theosis or being burned alive in a pit of raw prawns with sharpened nippers while begging castrated Augustinian monks to piss on you. That's why a bright light shines over Pelagius's grave even though the Bishop of Cape Cod warned that it is "heresy to go about with such tales". Religion is a neurobiological sickness with a specific cure of simply divine whole fried clams handed down by the prophets and soux-chefs of Orange and Marseilles, which those whose brains are infected by the Augustinan virus cannot even think about without exploding in a fountain of Calvinist puss

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TT: I suspect that that might not be from an entirely reliable source.

Myrrh: Fucking liar of a pseudopriest! You only say that because you hate me and want to pretend to be Orthodox to insult my mother's grave! I'm going to tell on you in Hell you EVIL STALKER!!!!!!!

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(And yet at the same time soo true.)

--------------------
On the issue of homosexuality the Liberals have spent their time thinking, considering and listening (in the spirit of the Windsor process), whereas Conservative Anglicans have used the time to further dig their feet in and become more intransigent.

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And - I'm sorry about this - I'm really really sorry - in fact I-confess-to-Almighty-God-and-to-you-Shipmates -here-present-that-I-have-fallen-short-in-my-music -and-my-lyrics-in-what-I-have -sung-and-what-I-have-left-unsung-and-I-ask -blessed-Johan-Sebastian-Bach-and -all-the-Choir-of-Angels-and-you-too-fellow-Ship mates-to-pray-for-me -to-the-Lord-our-God-May-almighty-God-have -mercy-on-us-forgive-us-our-lack-of -musical-bad-taste-and-bring -us-to-everlasting-harmony -with-the-saints-harping-on- before-the-Throne-Eternal - did I say I was sorry?

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Ding ding ding! Gort wins the cupie doll.

I believe my particular loathing of those who voted for Dubya has been well-documented on these boards. Sick, twisted idiots, the lot of you.

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They're great fun. It's the kind of thing you'd like if you like that kind of thing.

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...obscurantist wank music is not an altogether uplifting vehicle of gospel-joy

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Float?...Do science too

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You need to be bludgeoned sensible with a big ol' knobby stick of Fuck You.

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It's the adrenaline, the drama, the sex... and then you realise, even Eccles isn't the whole of it.

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Originally posted by Autenrieth Road:

Anyway, Isaac prayed about this saying "Father God, I just wanna say that I really wanna have a kid and your daughter Rebekah wants to have a kid, and I just wanna say, Father God, that I thank you for laying it on my heart to want a kid, and on your daughter Rebekah's heart to want a kid, and Father God, if it's your will, could you make it so that sometime when your daughter Rebekah and I are playing hide the salami, that we could get a bun in the oven?"

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Posted                       

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Originally posted by Joyeux:
Zappa - I found a way for you to redeem yourself.

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Phew.


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shameless self promotion - because I think it's worth it
and mayhap this too: http://broken-moments.blogspot.co.nz/

Posted                          

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Originally posted by Left at the Altar on the Aboriginal Hell Thread:

I reckon there are two Jesus fellas. The first one is the one most of you look up to. Quiet. Considered. Smart.

Then there's Party Boy Jesus, who recruited the Sydney Evangelicals, and all their ilk.

Party Boy Jesus is the kind of guy who starts Mexican Waves at the footy and the cricket and says "Wey-heeeyyyy, I am the waaaaayyyy lads" and all his new followers go, "Wey-heeeey" and forever do Mexican Waves for Jesus. And they go around trying their hardest to make everyone like them, annoying the piss out of the rest of humanity.

And the day after a recruiting like this, Jesus can be seen up in Heaven, holding his throbbing head in his hands and saying, "Faaaarkkk. Why did I have those last 7 beers?". And God looks at him and says, "You've got to stop bringing people like this back home, son."

But it's too late. The Party Boy Jesus recruits are on the loose. And they're bloody annoying.

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Originally posted by Ariel, in Hell:

quote:

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Originally posted by daisydaisy:
How many shoppers have you seen demonstrating outside the supermarkets on Christmas Eve demanding they be able to buy hot cross buns or Easter Daleks?

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Easter Daleks?

From the Book of Who:

And after the Doctor had been shot by the Daleks, his sorrowing companions put him in the Tardis and went off into space. And on the third day, he came out of the Zero Room and showed himself to them, saying "It's me, I've regenerated." And they were confused, because he didn't look anything like the last Doctor. But he convinced them it was him, and that what they must now do was exterminate the Daleks.

And they went to Skaro and blew it up and this is why we have Daleks at Easter now, for the Doctor said, "I wish I hadn't done that, I'm going to miss them," and the faithful Martha or Rose or somebody took pity on him and replied, "O Doctor, thou art wise, but I bet they'll be back in the autumn. But meanwhile here is a chocolate cake in the shape of one." And since then people on Earth have always had Daleks at Easter, and there are demonstrations outside supermarkets when stocks run out.

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Originally posted by Mamacita:
Is the film terribly violent?

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quote:

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Posted in response by Questia:
Well, there was blood...

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Originally posted by Janine:
Yet another of many reasons why I flock with the individual, independent congregations of the churches of Christ. It is a little harder for us to become a mega-million-dollar pervasive unstoppable juggernaut of boobs screeching "duh, them ignorant savages need to have their culture wiped out and become Just Like Us or else they can't get to Heaven".

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The First Rule of Conservative Fight Club is you do NOT talk about What God Does With The Biscuits.

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I must project a strong aura of "I will never knowingly swim in a pool that has had a dead rat in it."

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It's terrifying, and what's worse, it's boring.

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I know that when I've been most conscious of the Holy Spirit preventing me from grinding up Mr. Annoying in my cavernous marble jaws, those around me simply said, "She's a nice person." GRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrr. As if.

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Jesus didn't die just so that we could have ugly fridge-magnets

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Originally posted by jlg:


The Ship is, and always has been, replete with murky gray areas. Hell spills a bit into Eccles and Purg; Heavenly bunnies and Purgatroidal lecturers invade Hell; Kerygmania sneaks into Purg; Dead Horses (real or imagined) pop up everywhere!

It's just the way it is.

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The European Federation, sounds good, a bit like Star Trek - I'm in. "Captain, the Klingons have stolen our butter mountain."

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Rent my holiday home in the South of France

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Originally posted by ken:
Guidelines are for wimps and lawyers!

All we have to do is make sure that on the one hand we sensibly stick to the tried and tested principles laid down by precedent without falling into the trap of rigid adherence to unneccessarily and artificially inflexible regulation; whilst on the other hand we excercise the responsibilty of adult freedom in a creative, imaginitive, and caring manner whilst taking care not to lose our way in the potentially chaotic morass of choices opened up by the unhelpful indulgence of wasteful licence.

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Bugger. You're right aren't you. And persistently gracious even though you're WRONG. Sod you.

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Oh, indeed, I was sorely tempted. But down-weighed with failure from previous ‘mendings’, I stayed my twitchy hand and sagely committed to sleep upon it. (I tossed and turned fitfully as my rapid eyes moved across a fantastical lurid scene of gaping flanges and pipes bulging with scalding hot liquids, which burst ruinously through membranous dams to flood lush forested valleys). I awoke, calling out and drenched in cold sweat, profoundly exhausted, and called Bob the Plumber. A real man knows his limits.

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(Of course there is the school of thought that says I should treat them like they were Jesus in disguise but the last time I tried that to a homeless person at church he got obstreperous and we had to have the police come take him off in a patrol car - which just proves something. I'm not sure what - Of course Jesus was taken off in a patrol car too, metaphorically speaking, so there you go. I guess we did treat him like Jesus.)

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I have strong principles that I think are non-negotiable.
You have strong opinions that I believe are unreasonable.
He/She/It is a fundamentalist.

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Originally posted by Saint Hedrin the Lesser-Known:

quote:

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Originally posted by St.Silas the carter:

quote:

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Originally posted by Max.:
Ooh - I have another one.

Youth Minister at my old Secondary School did communion at our CU (I wasn't happy with that in the first place) but he did it with Twix Bars and Cherryade!

As people ate the twix bars (I refused) he said "Think of the Crucifixion, the bones breaking and the pain - this is what he meant by "This is my Body""

And as people drank the Cherryade he said similar stuff about blood outpoured!

It was cringeworthy and he promised never to do it again whilst I was around!


Max

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I thought there weren't any broken bones in the crucifixion?
Anyway, I managed to nearly smash a thurible on the bottom step of the sanctuary a week ago! But I have a good excuse for making mistakes with the incense.

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There were no broken bones, per the prophecy. So the use of the Twix™ bars was wrong with the reference to the bones. I would have used Ritz Bits myself....

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So much high moral tone must lead to an explosion sooner or later.

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Frankly, my depravity-o-meter hardly twitches for this vanilla stuff. Fuck a dead goat on an altar in front of a kindergarten audience, or something... Be more creative. There must be a "Depravity for Dummies" book to get you started.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep:

quote:

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Originally posted by JArthurCrank:
No, but I know of an extant video where a [blah blah blah] dropped the Body of Christ down the ample exposed cleavage of a bride's dress and fished it out himself[.]

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Been there, had that done to me... but after a shared look with Deacon (who did the dropping), I fished the MSBaBoOLaSJC out myself.

And before you ask, no, I wasn't wearing a particularly low-cut shirt. Women of a Certain Endowment (such as myself) pretty much present a clear target for dropped foodstuffs, whether they're eating at a restaurant or kneeling to receive on the tongue.

(And no, I didn't burn my bra, neither.)

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quote:
------------------------------
one-man Sin of Pride Parade
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I bet the dance music isn't very good at that parade.
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And the only dancing allowed is choreographed by Ingo himself.

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Reading less and relying on heretics sanctified with the mold of millenia isn't an improvement, but does tend to make one more liberal.

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Originally posted by Choirboy:
Have you seen what these people do to natural resources? If anyone calls you a human resource - RUN!

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