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Originally posted by Sine Nomine:

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Originally posted by The Silent Acolyte:

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Originally posted by Sine Nomine:

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Originally posted by Beeswax Altar:
Atheists gave us Communism.

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As soundbites go, that's one of the bite-ier ones.

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Sine Nomine, is that bite-y as in "Bite me!"? Or, bite-y as in "that gives me something to chew on"?

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I was thinking more along the lines of 'The Fox News Network Award for Gross Oversimplification'.

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Not a word to add to that.

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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

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Originally posted by Anselmina:

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Originally posted by Unjust Stuart:

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What next? An ordained only toilet?

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At least one English cathedral used to have one of these.

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For the use of clergy arseholes only?

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Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:

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Originally posted by Belisarius:

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Originally posted by Kelly Alves:

Liaisons Dangereuses

French girls are easy.

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The Scarlet Letter

Puritan girls are easy.

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Don Juan

All girls are easy.

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Originally posted by Jahlove:
What will God say to Dolly Parton?

"Sonny and I LOVE the collaborations with Ladysmith Black Mambazo; The Paraclete, however, is a diehard C&W purist. Thou hast occasioned discord and missteps in the perichoretic dance*. We shall decide the penalty in approximately 1000 years. Meanwhile, could you do *Knockin' on Heaven's Door* for us please?"

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Originally posted by Silver Faux:
You know, usually I find great joy in reading Shipmate's fascinating thoughts, and even in occasionally, but quite carefully and timidly, adding my voice to the conversation.
But this thread summons up black dogs in great howling packs, with its discussion on butt-wiping aboard British trains where abstinence does not prevent pregnancy and random breeders overpopulate the planet.

The delight to the senses here is somewhat similar to that moment when someone emits a great and sour fart into a crowded room whose atmosphere is already clogged with great stinking clouds of marijuana smoke, yet you have no choice but to sit there and breathe it all in, because you forgot which room you left your clothes in, and most of the bedroom doors are locked from the inside just at the moment anyhow.

I think I will shut down my computer, and go for a long walk outside, even though it is quite cold and raining buckets just at the moment.
Or I could just read one of my Larry McMurtry novels for the same effect.
Texasville ought to do it; it makes me joyfully happy that I have never met any of his novel's characters, while still being annoyed that I ever wasted my time reading about them.

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Better to have one well-defined cesspool than to have the whole place covered in crap.

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Originally posted by RooK:

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Originally posted by Scona:
I have drawn out and exposed some real closed minded bigots.

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I dare you to specify whom, and to clarify exactly what they are closed-minded about. You tap-dancing little chickenfuck.

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Originally posted by Orwell:

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Originally posted by Beeswax Altar:

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Brilliant argument. You are surely at the pinnacle of mental prowess. I cannot believe I did not think that way earlier. Thank you so much for enlightening me with your magnificence!

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Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
Okay, the LC paraphrase of Cranmer's deathless prose; being combin'd with Notes upon the Chaynge of Meaning over the Centuries, Together with an Exposicion of the many Shameless but totally Lawful Wayes Cranmer manipulates God Almighty by Leveraging His Owne Promises agaynst Him:

Almighty and most merciful [note that phrase, please. It is not empty flattery, rather a statement of sure hope!] Father,

We have erred, and strayed from thy ways like lost sheep, [well gee, this is fairly kind, putting down our screw-ups not to deliberate wickedness but to sheepiness. I'm not sure I deserve such leeway much of the time, but let it pass]

We have followed too much the devices and desires of our own hearts, [durrrrr]

We have offended against thy holy laws,

We have left undone those things which we ought to have done, [ouch. Yes]

And we have done those things which we ought not to have done, [ouch again, but it's also true]

And there is no health [= wholeness, shalom] in us: [modern paraphrase: we haven't got a leg to stand on, and we aren't going to be able to get out of our mess by our own efforts]

But thou, O Lord, have mercy [as you surely will, see the opening of this prayer!]

upon us miserable [ = in a state that calls for pity and compassion, whether we ourselves think so at the moment or not]

offenders [= lawless ones];

Spare thou them [aka "us"], O God, which confess their faults, [meaning us, Lord, in case Cranmer's syntax has gotten too convoluted!]

Restore thou them that are penitent, [that's us again, see, Lord!? right here waiting for your mercy, we're all ready here]

According to thy promises [gotcha there, Lord]

declared unto mankind in Christ Jesu our Lord: [Ha! it's in the bag. Thank God]

And grant, O most merciful Father, for his sake, [just to re-emphasize, it's all about Jesus, Lord, you know the one you promised to forgive us for? We're holding you to it, and we're saying it twice in two lines just to be sure you get it. ]

That we may hereafter live a godly, righteous, and sober [ = no longer completely off our heads and out of touch with reality] life,

To the glory of thy holy Name. [which is another thing you've been banging on about in the Bible as important to you, and see, forgiving us will do that! ]

Amen. [signed, sealed, delivered--it's ours. Thanks.]

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If I were to be given carte blanche in redesigning the rites of episcopal consecration, I would include the following:

The principal celebrant/presiding bishop asks the following question of the candidate:

N, do you consent to being incorporated into the order of bishops?

The candidate, lifting eyes leftward and thereafter rightward, turning clockwise to face west, bolts for the door.

The principal celebrant/presiding bishop chases after the candidate, catching him/her with the crook of the crozier. A procession of incense, cross, and torchbearers leads the celebrant and candidate to the chancel. The cappa poena--a vestment so laden with heavy gems that it is impossible to move--is lain upon the candidate.

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Christ however had a different approach. He said, and I am paraphrasing, 'Every single last one of you is a complete and utter fucking tool. You are stupid, self centred and incredibly fucking flawed. But you know what. Me and dad and the spook, we'll love you anyway. And you can participate in that if you want, to the best of your muppet abilities. And we will welcome you into our life.'

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I now in fact have the least Satanic rear end in Terrebonne Parish.

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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano

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Frankly, anyone who thinks a creator of the universe has confided knowledge of desperate importance to humanity to a lot of strange old men in frocks is as deluded as they come.

But try telling them that.

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Originally posted by comet:
ladies and gentlemen! welcome to Hell's own Nerd-down!

it's pocket protectors and slide rules at high noon!

in this corner, it's a fuzzy-faced new-world theologian with the 27-page footnotes, scientific calculator that only prints in aramaic, horn-rimmed glasses held together by duct tape and a chop stick, and head so far up his own ass he blinks his appendix!

in the other corner, it's the humorless twat waving his twenty-eleven leather-bound, mildewed, latin-only-please-and-thank-you tomes with his 40 Arms of Reason while tightening his polka-dot bow tie!

Gentleman, when the abacus strikes 3.14, come out with subtexts a-blazin'!

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Originally posted by Think²:
I don't see how possession of a cunt changes your ability to preach .

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Originally posted by comet:
ladies and gentlemen! welcome to Hell's own Nerd-down!

it's pocket protectors and slide rules at high noon!

in this corner, it's a fuzzy-faced new-world theologian with the 27-page footnotes, scientific calculator that only prints in aramaic, horn-rimmed glasses held together by duct tape and a chop stick, and head so far up his own ass he blinks his appendix!

in the other corner, it's the humorless twat waving his twenty-eleven leather-bound, mildewed, latin-only-please-and-thank-you tomes with his 40 Arms of Reason while tightening his polka-dot bow tie!

Gentleman, when the abacus strikes 3.14, come out with subtexts a-blazin'!

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If I don't frequent Muslim or Buddhist sites, it's not because I think the Prophet Mohammed or Siddhārtha Gautama may have been on to something, but because I haven't found one with a good thread on knitting.

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Fear not - the death rate associated with being human will remain at 100% regardless of what we do to change the specific method by which it occurs.

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Originally posted by Evensong:
Dumb is preparing to walk to the shops with ones shopping trolley and plastic bag with two pairs of one's better half's work slacks inside to deposit at the shops for drycleaning.

Dumb is walking out the back door via the splendid garden and garage only to stop at the splendid postbox with one's shopping trolley and no drycleaning.

Dumb leaves the shopping trolley by the post box, goes back inside, searches everywhere for slacks to dryclean and can't find them so proceeds to shops for supplies for the evening meal.

Dumb returns and still can't think what happened to the drycleaning and looks again.

Dumb realises a few days later dumb has likely placed the plastic bag of (very expensive slacks) for drycleaning in one's outdoor rubbish bin when one was making one's way to the post box via the garage (wherein said outdoor rubbish bins are kept and where one often places plastic bags of rubbish in).

And the rubbish was emptied by the council the day before.

Dumb is a farkin absentminded retard.

One's better half is now pantless.

Not that I mind but work does.

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Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Ruth, I would express my feelings of sisterhood at that remark, but since you're introverted and obnoxious you'll probably just tell me to get off your leg.

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a theological scrapbook

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Originally posted by mousethief:

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Originally posted by Adeodatus:
... I was so far in the closet the only person I could reasonably expect to date was Mr Tumnus.

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It's not funny, but it's very funny.

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Originally posted by Arch Anglo Catholic:
Best of luck Evensong - the joy of producing huge quantities of smoke for the Lord cannot be overstated!

I must disagree with my learned colleagues however; coughing is not caused by charcoal smoke, rather by protestantism!

Reformed Catholics in the CofE have no problems with it! Oh my sides....

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a theological scrapbook

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Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
Stepping around the cowpat is perfectly acceptable. No comment need be made when the nature and location of the cowpat is clearly seen.

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my dog thinks I'm a rock star.

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Oh, the spirit of Christmas vomited on several local lawns a few weeks ago already

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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano

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Nigel M: Actually, we have a massive list of texts that promote care for the needy in both Testaments, so I have no worries about the backing for good works in and out of Christianity. What does leave me slightly unsure is how to approach that day before the King. I mean, which line should I start off in? For example:-

[Joining the sheep line and arriving at head of queue, King looks at me..] “You presumptuous, arrogant, snake. The first shall be last. Join the goats.”

[Joins the goat queue, arrives at head, King looks at me...] “I remember you gave a cup of Dr Pepper to a needy disciple of mine. Join the sheep.”

“On the other hand [half way across the floor], You didn't accept his message, even though you were a good little boy then. Goats.

“But I see [just one step back...] that Matthew didn't address whether the good little boys had to accept my message, rather than just offer takeaways. Better play this safe. Join the sheep.”

[Plonks feet firmly in sheep queue. King muses...] “John, on the other hand...”

[Me, getting a tad frustrated] “Oh for goodness sake, Lord, make up your mind!”

“Not everyone who calls me 'Lord'...”

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I can already imagine that scene playing out

[ 24. November 2011, 10:51: Message edited by: LeRoc ]

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I know why God made the rhinoceros, it's because He couldn't see the rhinoceros, so He made the rhinoceros to be able to see it. (Clarice Lispector)

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Originally posted by Gee D:
When you've had a rest, start putting the trainset together, and work out how to have The Talk with him - the one where you explain lbw.

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Originally posted by Patdys:
You know, I had always thought Tuggers (your location) was short for Tuggeranong in Canberra. I am sorry. I hadn't realised it was a verb.

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Originally posted by RuthW:

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Originally posted by duchess:
I have learned that real love is learning to give some people to Jesus.

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He keeps giving them back.

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Originally posted by RuthW:

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Originally posted by Silver Faux:
While this thread is still talking turkey, there are a couple of things that I have to wonder about, concerning the American Thanksgiving holiday.
First off, the last Thursday in November seems awfully close to when Christmas gatherings begin; for example, in a couple of weeks from now, my beloved and I are due to welcome around 40 of our delightful extended family to share our annual Christmas get-together.

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It's a result of the Full Employment for Therapists Act. Having two big family-centered holidays about a month apart means that you can visit one side of the family for Thanksgiving and then see your therapist and talk it all out (or if you're here in California, get your aura adjusted) before you head over to the other side of the family for Christmas -- and then see your therapist/aura-adjustment specialist again before you just give up and drink heavily over New Year's.

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Originally posted by Twangist:

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Originally posted by Quilted:
Do we not have a responsibility to say straight out "That's a lie!"?
Would Christ have said "I hear what you're saying, but I think you'll find you've been somewhat misinformed" or would he have said "That's a load of crap!" (In aramaic, of course.)

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How do you pronounce "crap" in Aramaic?

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Twilight -- Surliest Lady Bountiful that ever stomped the earth.

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Originally posted by Eutychus:
I DECLARE GAMALIEL'S PM BOX EMPTY! HALLELUJAH! MORE LORD! WE CAST OUT THOSE STALE PMS IN YOUR NAME! LET THEM DEPART INTO THE ABYSS, FOR THEY ARE LEGION! AMEN!

There, has that worked? Or did I not shout loud enough?

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Originally posted by Eliab:
...I love the whole thing. Just two nights ago, I cycled to the local shop..., and walked past a worker setting up a big festive display of chocolates. It made me so happy I was singing carols all the way home (and I rarely sing). I was happy just because it made me think about Christmas - I wasn't even inclined to buy more chocolate than I would otherwise have done*....

*Warning - may contain fib.

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Originally posted by Silver Faux:
Wow! This will be my 63rd Christmas.
Have I ever spent Christmas alone? Nope!
Have I ever attended a Christmas function alone? Nope!
Have I ever skipped a Christmas function because I was alone? Nope!
Gregarious little bugger, ain't I?

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Originally posted by orfeo:
Yes, but how many times have you resorted to concealed weapons to keep your record intact?

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Watching one's weight is easier when there's more of it

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Originally posted by Boogie:

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Originally posted by IngoB:
Huh? Boogie is not suspect of being a groupie of mine.

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Just peep outside the door IngoB - on the edge of the crowd there - that's me!

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Originally posted by leo:

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Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:

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Originally posted by Adeodatus:
I think there's a question at least as important as "did it happen?". And that's "Why did Luke (or whoever) think it a good idea to write it down?" It would seem that the writer thought this story was a great one for getting people to become Christians.

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I think it was aimed at those who were already Christian, as a way to extort as much of their money out of them as possible. "Give the church everything you possess or God will kill you".

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Yes, that about sums it up - and is another rare occasion where we agree.

It's a ridiculous story, maybe a joke like the story of Jonah and the whale.

If God really is the sort who kills people like that, then he can stick his religion and his bible where the sun don't shine.

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leo on fire in Kerg.

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a theological scrapbook

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Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
Frankly, I'm getting tired of Christian entitlement. I don't care if Anglican Christianity is the Established religion in the UK. I don't care if the US government was established in the majority by Chriatian men; I don't care if Christians get their widdo feelings hurt by not being treated as the centers of the universe. All you people with Not of this World decals on your cars: well, the world talks smack back sometimes. Deal.

We aren't meant as Christians to be privileged. We are meant to serve others and love our neighbors as ourselves. "Let your light so shine..." not "Let your voice so whine..." Think you are being disrespected? Try living somewhere where being a Christian and living a natural lifespan or even getting work is dicey proposition. And if some sunny bastard dares to wish you Happy Holidays, suck it up and turn the other cheek, dweeb. I say this in Christian love.

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Originally posted by Firenze:
I love the way a thread set up to vilify Sine is heading rapidly towards his canonisation.

That man could give Teflon lessons.

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Originally posted by Patdys:
I am putting my children through Waldorf and Statler education but that is because they are muppets.

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Originally posted by comet:
But the truth is, it's a choice you all make, also. Whether it's a conscious choice is another matter, but there IS another world out there that isn't full of all of this stressful, chaotic materialism and time-crunched stress.

I realize that ditching it all and moving to the countryside is a bit extreme of a reaction to the December bombardment from madison avenue (and international alternatives). But I urge all of you to really consider what choices you do have. I hear a lot on the Ship of people who seem to think they don't have choices. I don't know your lives, I can't tell you where you're truly stuck or not. But I do know we have more choices than we often realize.

When I was going through the diagnosis process for MS, one of the medicos told me I needed to simplify my life; reduce my daily stress. I laughed. there was no way. I was totally stuck with all of my stresses just to keep my head above water, just to keep the family fed and housed. I had no place to cut.

then my ex left me and my job essentially left me soon afterwards. Suddenly, I discovered a whole new level of functioning. against my will, I was forced to slough off a lot of extraneous baggage that I was not even aware that I had chosen to carry. But when the shit hits the fan, things change. my $900/month rental was no longer vital to life. hell, for a year there I didn't have much of a home at all. and I survived. we thrived, even.

I'm sorry for being long-winded. This is just something I'm passionate about. we really do make choices to live the life we do. and we accept drawbacks that go with the good stuff. All I'm saying is to make those choices consciously. if the holiday materialism really bugs you, make a real, concerted effort to find ways of avoiding it. you really do have more control over that than you think. so maybe you drink your coffee and read your paper at home until the chaos dies down. maybe you consciously choose not to patronize places that abuse your senses with holiday schlock. if your friend plays the radio when you're in the car, ask them not to. if they won't turn it off, chose not to ride with them in the future.

decide what you will and will not allow into your life, and then work to make that a reality. I'm not saying it's easy, but I am saying it's worth it.

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Originally posted by Boogie:
WYGTMA* you don't just pass the pencil test - you pass the 'can of coke' test!

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quote: And when Jesus had finished these sayings, lo, many who heard him did consult their iPads*. And them that did, did murmur among themselves saying, Lo, Snopes saith there was no Good Samaritan. This man telleth porkies. And seeing their lack of faith, he left that place, muttering many things that are not recorded in this book.


* Some sources add: 'Other tablet computers are available'.

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