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Source: (consider it) Thread: Difficult relatives
Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468

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Miss Amanda--

Bad grown-up kids. BAD. BAD!!! No cake.

And we like you, Miss Amanda. [Smile]

--------------------
Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?"--Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon"
--"I'm not giving up--and neither should you." --SNL

Posts: 17477 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
Twilight

Puddleglum's sister
# 2832

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quote:
Originally posted by Golden Key:

And we like you, Miss Amanda. [Smile]

Yes, we do like Miss Amanda and as of right now we don't like those adult brats.

Who does that to family members? It usually takes a whole lot of specific Great Wrongs before a family member is cut off. I'm sending bad vibes their way right now.

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Amanda B. Reckondwythe

Dressed for Church
# 5521

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Thank you. Miss Amanda loves you all too. [Axe murder]

They're not really bad kids. They had some issues with their upbringing, but on balance they were brought up well. They are both parents now themselves and are doing well with parenting. They had to deal with the death of their older brother three years ago (suicide -- he had major, major issues!).

Thing is, I understand what their beef is with me, and in a way they are right -- but that is not going to make me change my ways. They either accept me for who I am or to h*** with them.

I should add -- my sister and I are on very good terms and she understands how I feel.

[ 20. April 2017, 01:17: Message edited by: Amanda B. Reckondwythe ]

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"We're not in Wonderland anymore, Alice." – Charles Manson

Posts: 10158 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged
RooK

1 of 6
# 1852

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quote:
Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
My niece and nephew (my sister's adult children, both pushing middle age) have decided that there's something about their old Aunt Amanda they don't like and so have decided to shun her.

Ah, the fine small-minded tradition of thinking that ignoring something makes it magically disappear. I suspect that they tried ignoring that certain something about Auntie Amanda specifically, and since that didn't work had to up the ante.

I urge you to not let it work. Send them lovely and thoughtful connections regularly. Let the simple untrammeled affection cook their feeble minds, even if it probably won't melt their hearts. Let them writhe with the effort of reconciling their demonizing simplistic prejudices against the self-evident loveliness that we know Miss Amanda to be.

Posts: 15074 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001  |  IP: Logged
Doc Tor
Deepest Red
# 9748

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I always find an unasked-for basket of kittens to be an excellently generous gift for almost every occasion...

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Improbable Botany

Posts: 8598 | From: Ultima Thule | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged
Amanda B. Reckondwythe

Dressed for Church
# 5521

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They're both dog people -- in the case of my nephew, a rather vicious one. A basket of kittens would be treated as a bedtime snack.

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"We're not in Wonderland anymore, Alice." – Charles Manson

Posts: 10158 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged
Doc Tor
Deepest Red
# 9748

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Well, I hate them already.

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Improbable Botany

Posts: 8598 | From: Ultima Thule | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged
rolyn
Shipmate
# 16840

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quote:
Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
A basket of kittens would be treated as a bedtime snack.

[Big Grin]

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Change is the only certainty of existence

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Helen-Eva
Shipmate
# 15025

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quote:
Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
They're both dog people -- in the case of my nephew, a rather vicious one. A basket of kittens would be treated as a bedtime snack.

How about laxatives in non-dog-proof packaging?

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I thought the radio 3 announcer said "Weber" but it turned out to be Webern. Story of my life.

Posts: 590 | From: London, hopefully in a theatre or concert hall, more likely at work | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged
Amanda B. Reckondwythe

Dressed for Church
# 5521

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A box of, erm, fortified Milk Bone with the words "of magnesia" added in small print after Milk.

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"We're not in Wonderland anymore, Alice." – Charles Manson

Posts: 10158 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged
Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468

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Put them on the mailing list for a cat-fanciers' site? Donate in their name to a cat-rescue group? Send Chinese lion-dancers to their doors?

--------------------
Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?"--Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon"
--"I'm not giving up--and neither should you." --SNL

Posts: 17477 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
cliffdweller
Shipmate
# 13338

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One might lavishly gift Difficult Relatives With Kids regular quantities of toy drums, flutophones, whistles, and electronic playthings that make loud, repetitive squeeking and squawking noises.

[ 20. April 2017, 23:32: Message edited by: cliffdweller ]

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"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid." -Frederick Buechner

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MaryLouise
Shipmate
# 18697

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You might consider birthday and Christmas gifts of judiciously chosen self-help literature. This shifts the emphasis from what THEY think of Aunt Amanda to "What the hell does Aunt Amanda think we're doing?", "What did you say to make Aunt Amanda think...?". One or two books each year should remind them we can all do with a little self-improvement in overlooked areas.

Suggestions (I Googled and these all exist):

1 How to Get your Husband to Talk to You

2 Tony Robbins' Awaken the Giant Within

3 How to Help a Narcissist Heal

4 Knitting with Dog Hair: Better hair from a dog you love than wool from a strange sheep

5 It's a Jungle Out There, Jane: Understanding the Male Animal in Your Life

6 Self-Help for the Bleak

7 Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them: When Loving Hurts And You Don't Know Why

And a personal favourite to create that marital talking point

8 Harold Litten’s More Joy: An Advanced Guide to Solo Sex

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“As regards plots I find real life no help at all. Real life seems to have no plots.”

-- Ivy Compton-Burnett

Posts: 391 | From: Cape Town | Registered: Nov 2016  |  IP: Logged
Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528

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[Killing me]

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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!

Posts: 19931 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged
North East Quine

Curious beastie
# 13049

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Is this the nephew that was previously unhappy with you because you told him he was getting fat?
Posts: 6327 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged
Amanda B. Reckondwythe

Dressed for Church
# 5521

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Yes, but the issue is more complex than that.

And he **is** fat.

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"We're not in Wonderland anymore, Alice." – Charles Manson

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Doc Tor
Deepest Red
# 9748

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It'll be all those kittens he ate. Bastard.

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Improbable Botany

Posts: 8598 | From: Ultima Thule | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged
Anselmina
Ship's barmaid
# 3032

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Of course, it has to be RooK who comes up with the most Christianly response to Miss Amanda's disapproving relatives; 'for in doing so, you heap coals of fire on his head'. Which, in retrospect, doesn't sound that Christianly?!

I thought it was an Auntie's job to be eccentric and not altogether a completely tame sort of relative? They don't know the treasure they have in Miss Amanda.

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Irish dogs needing homes! http://www.dogactionwelfaregroup.ie/ Greyhounds and Lurchers are shipped over to England for rehoming too!

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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Ok, honor dictates that I relate the following:

I am being treated for anxiety related to PTSD.

As a result of this, I am a lot harder to provoke.

As a result... um... Mom and I are kinda getting along. My nervous system was her favorite toy, and I took it away from her. Once I began acting less like a prey animal and more like a human being, I guess she found me easier to understand.

Stay tuned, of course. 😏

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"Take your broken heart, make it into art"-- Carrie Fisher (1956-2016)

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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473

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quote:
Originally posted by Anselmina:

I thought it was an Auntie's job to be eccentric and not altogether a completely tame sort of relative?

Hell yes. I only have one nephew and I do my best to live up to this part of my job description. He's my favourite relative.

Huia

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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.

Posts: 9913 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
RooK

1 of 6
# 1852

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quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
I am being treated for anxiety related to PTSD.

That's excellent to hear. The treatment part, and how it sounds effective. Not the PTSD part, that sounds deeply shitty.

quote:
As a result of this, I am a lot harder to provoke.

That reads like a dare.

quote:
Once I began acting less like a prey animal and more like a human being, I guess she found me easier to understand.

That makes sense. I wonder how much of our individual difficulties relating with other people is based not just on our feelings of not being understood, but on how we also fail to comprehend other people's mechanisms for misunderstanding us.
Posts: 15074 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001  |  IP: Logged
Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528

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It is HARD to stop acting like a prey animal. I have to catch myself every fucking day in my new job among normal people.

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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!

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mark_in_manchester

not waving, but...
# 15978

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quote:
I wonder how much of our individual difficulties relating with other people is based not just on our feelings of not being understood, but on how we also fail to comprehend other people's mechanisms for misunderstanding us.
I find myself moving back into relationship with a closely-related DR who was unable to speak with / be in the same house as me for a few years. We're probably quite a long way through a (short) period of 'hey, isn't it nice to be polite to one another and interact' and not too far off some 'hmm, I remember why you really piss me off'.

I'll try to bear the above in mind - it rings true. In particular, ISTM that 'being in relationship' can itself form a potent part of the mechanism of misunderstanding.

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"We are punished by our sins, not for them" - Elbert Hubbard
(so good, I wanted to see it after my posts and not only after those of shipmate JBohn from whom I stole it)

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Palimpsest
Shipmate
# 16772

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quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Ok, honor dictates that I relate the following:

I am being treated for anxiety related to PTSD.

As a result of this, I am a lot harder to provoke.

As a result... um... Mom and I are kinda getting along. My nervous system was her favorite toy, and I took it away from her. Once I began acting less like a prey animal and more like a human being, I guess she found me easier to understand.

Stay tuned, of course. 😏

For some reason I am reminded of
Prozac Shrimp

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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Well, aren't you a ray of damn sunshine.

Also, RooK-- bring it, d-bag. [Big Grin]

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"Take your broken heart, make it into art"-- Carrie Fisher (1956-2016)

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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468

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{Prepares to bet on Kelly.} [Smile]

--------------------
Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?"--Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon"
--"I'm not giving up--and neither should you." --SNL

Posts: 17477 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
Wesley J

Silly Shipmate
# 6075

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Ok, this is about my 'aquaintance', W, who I asked prayers for a while ago.

I did go and visit him in hospital, and guess will do so again, although reluctantly.

We've known each other for donkey's years - however, when I got to know him, I was at a low stage in my life, and have since worked my way up, and things seem to be working out for me rather well. With him, the opposite: he was, perhaps 10 or 15 years my senior, sort of a role model in parts, and I think I did learn a few things from him.

Now, he is a trained actor, has had some minor roles on TV and on stage, but never got that big breakthrough he was hoping for. He's been very irritable and narcissistic, and has become increasingly so over the years. He never 'left home' and still lives in his parents' old farmhouse in the village he grew up. The loss of his father and especially his mother, again quite a few years ago, left him emotionally very fragile, and he got psychological help and treatment for an extendend period of time. This even resulted in him getting disability benefit due to his huge panic attacks, where he could barely leave his house.

There were moments when he called me and we talked on the phone, with me, younger than him and back then pretty miserable myself, supposed to advise him or lift his spirits or just tend to his ego - I was never quite sure. He sometimes used to call me daily for me to reassure him about this or that, and even called late at night, occasionally several times, again asking me to tell him he was safe, and that everything was ok. It was then when I severed ties with him, and said that I was not his therapist, and that I was willing to talk to him once a week, like, for half an hour, but that this was all I could invest, and that he needed to get help.

The only contact we had for the past 5 or so years then was me sending him a Christmas card, and him awkwardly ringing me a few days later, leaving a message on my answerphone, thanking me for the card.

So, when I got his call with that wobbly, breaking, weak voice, and he said he was in hospital now, had a pulmonary edema, that he could not speak well (yeah, I could hear that! But then, he's an actor...!), and if I could please please come and visit him in hospital... - a few days later I did go and visit him.

This is when he said that in the meantime he'd been diagnosed with lung cancer. In fact, he did look like death warmed up (but only a little!). His appearance was utterly skeletal, his skin leathery, especially with his skull shaved (which he likes to do once a week, he says). Paradoxically, he always wanted to be very slim and look very lean and angular - well, there you go, goal reached!

Unfortunately, still now, he seems to have some rather high demands on others: he said that he'd like to go to this or that museum, and see an art exhibition here and there. However, I don't own a car, and with just one person as support, this is unlikely to happen - he might collapse at any time. Also, when he wasn't happy with his dinner (which he could choose from a number of items!), he rang the nurse - before I could stop him - to complain about the food, and asked her to take it away, and some other stuff as well. Needless to say, the nurse wasn't amused; as any fool know, they have their set time to collect the trays after meals, he isn't their only patient on the ward, and his ringing them was absolutely not an emergency! Grrrr!

He anyway barely eats anything now, and the hospital want him to eat by his own means (which they say he can), before inserting a feeding tube.

So, dear Shippies (if you've read that far), I'm in two minds about this. I must say there's some quiet voices of triumph in that my own path in life has gone exactly the opposite direction of his: for I was weak and he was (seemingly) strong, and now I am strong (through a helluva lot of work) and he is weak.


I think what he'd need to do is ground himself, go deep instead into the superficial. He could play like a fatherly role now to others, in being generous and listening and at peace with himself. But he's always been a very troubled and perhaps troublesome mind, insecure and often unbearably arrogant.

Any ideas on how to deal with this? I'm sick and tired of abuse, even now, but then I am sort of called to be merciful, but have got my own life to live.

Hm.

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Be it as it may: Wesley J will stay. --- Euthanasia, that sounds good. An alpine neutral neighbourhood. Then back to Britain, all dressed in wood. Things were gonna get worse. (John Cooper Clarke)

Posts: 7196 | From: The Isles of Silly | Registered: May 2004  |  IP: Logged
Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468

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{{{{{Wes}}}}} {{{{{Friend}}}}}

Thought: does the hospital have a social worker, chaplain, patient advocate, etc.? They may well be able to help your friend, or get him help. Maybe get into a support group. Sometimes, it's possible to arrange this for someone over the phone--which, BTW, is very handy for anyone trying to help someone from a distance. You might give whoever you talk to just a thumbnail version of your friend's past and current mental state. That way, they can be prepared; and, if when they visit him, he seems ok, they have more of the story.

Good luck!

--------------------
Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?"--Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon"
--"I'm not giving up--and neither should you." --SNL

Posts: 17477 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
mark_in_manchester

not waving, but...
# 15978

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Hard, innit, Wesley J. Lives can go down as well as up. I think you're wise to take a firm view of what you can handle (and sticking to it - 'so yes, I'm a selfish twat for only wanting to come in every x or y - now am I coming, or would you rather not?') - but that is more likely to take your friendship in the direction of real communication, where you can do some good. It can protect you to the point where you don't actually need to run away, as many people would. Or they might cut you off, in which case you were (for the moment) wasting your time anyway.

I wish I could give myself gratuitous advice like I give to others.

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"We are punished by our sins, not for them" - Elbert Hubbard
(so good, I wanted to see it after my posts and not only after those of shipmate JBohn from whom I stole it)

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sabine
Shipmate
# 3861

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quote:
Originally posted by Wesley J:

Any ideas on how to deal with this? I'm sick and tired of abuse, even now, but then I am sort of called to be merciful, but have got my own life to live.

I was faced with this issue with my parents, and quite frankly, I didn't always live up to my ideals or the ideals that others wanted me to live up to. In the end (and it was within month of the end for each parent) I decided that the narrative of our past together did not outweigh their need to be comfortable in their last days. They were dying, and I would live on. I had a lot to let go of, and my private time was often filled with bad feelings. It was difficult, and I'm no saint. Caring for someone at the end of life is a calling that requires the help of the Holy Spirit, I'm convinced. Now that they are gone, I am glad that there was a bit of play acting on my part.

I hear and understand your feelings about this. I hope you find a way to be present to W without too much damage to your own peace of mind.

ETA: The play acting actually managed to take some of the pressure off. I could step outside of the story of our relationships and the feelings of being used. It was odd to notice this at first, but I'm glad it worked that way.

sabine

[ 28. July 2017, 14:57: Message edited by: sabine ]

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"Hunger looks like the man that hunger is killing." Eduardo Galeano

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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768

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I found that play acting thing worked, ages back, in a difficult friendship situation, in helping to keep things working well when a third party got involved. It surprised me.
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528

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Fake it till you make it stuff...

--------------------
Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!

Posts: 19931 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged
Wesley J

Silly Shipmate
# 6075

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Thank you, Denizens of Hell (and assorted boards).

Much food for thought. - Like Schwarzenegger said: I'll be back.

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Be it as it may: Wesley J will stay. --- Euthanasia, that sounds good. An alpine neutral neighbourhood. Then back to Britain, all dressed in wood. Things were gonna get worse. (John Cooper Clarke)

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Jemima the 9th
Shipmate
# 15106

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Harrumph. One tiny message to say (getting the formalities out of the way) "how are the family?", followed by "I'm ill".

The problem is that messages aren't just messages, they're code for "come and look after me". DR might be ill, just as he might have been the preceding 8 million times. But it seems unlikely. What's hellish, though, is that I've wasted hours pondering whether to reply, and if so with what. And it's made me stroppy with the children. Pffft. To steal from the Handmaid's Tale, it's high time I got my fucking shit together.

Posts: 743 | From: UK | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged
cliffdweller
Shipmate
# 13338

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quote:
Originally posted by Jemima the 9th:
Harrumph. One tiny message to say (getting the formalities out of the way) "how are the family?", followed by "I'm ill".

The problem is that messages aren't just messages, they're code for "come and look after me". DR might be ill, just as he might have been the preceding 8 million times. But it seems unlikely. What's hellish, though, is that I've wasted hours pondering whether to reply, and if so with what. And it's made me stroppy with the children. Pffft. To steal from the Handmaid's Tale, it's high time I got my fucking shit together.

Agh.

This reminded me of my paternal grandmother, a narcissistic queen who perfected the passive-aggressive illness.

In a rare moment of insight my dad called her one morning and asked how she was. This, of course, was followed by long stream of sighing re imaginary ailments. Dad responded, "oh, that's too bad. I'd called to see if you wanted to join [my mom] & I to drive up the coast for brunch at [fancy upscale beachside inn]. Oh, well. we'll have to go without you..."

He cut off the sputtering to say they had to go to arrive before the brunch service ended.

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"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid." -Frederick Buechner

Posts: 10821 | From: a small canyon overlooking the city | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged
Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468

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cliffdweller--

Bravo to your dad! LOL.

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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?"--Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon"
--"I'm not giving up--and neither should you." --SNL

Posts: 17477 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468

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{{{{{Jemima}}}}}

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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?"--Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon"
--"I'm not giving up--and neither should you." --SNL

Posts: 17477 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
Jemima the 9th
Shipmate
# 15106

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Thank you, Golden Key.
cliffdweller, that is utter genius. I love it.

Posts: 743 | From: UK | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged
Golden Key
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# 1468

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I came across a Carolyn Hax advice column about trying very hard to get attention/affection from Difficult Relatives who will never give it, and coming to terms with that.

It resonated with me, and it might with you, too.

{{{{{Everyone with difficult relatives}}}}}

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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?"--Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon"
--"I'm not giving up--and neither should you." --SNL

Posts: 17477 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
North East Quine

Curious beastie
# 13049

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A has something important to discuss with B, and wants to discuss it face to face, when they next meet, in several weeks time. In the meantime A wants it kept a secret, to avoid B hearing second hand.

A has discussed it with me and C, and told us who we can and can't mention it to. A is happy for D to know. But C doesn't want D to know and has asked it be kept secret from D.

D has texted me to say thanks for a birthday gift, and has also said that she thinks A is keeping a secret from C. D says she is going to phone me for a chat.

Fuck. What do I say to D if she phones fishing for info? I know that A isn't keeping a secret from C, but that it is in fact C who is keeping a secret from D.

The North-East offspring have suggested that if D phones and the conversation starts getting awkward I can give them a signal and one will shout "Mum! Mum! There are sparks coming from the kettle!!" which will let me end the call rapidly, but I think the situation is complicated enough without inventing a malfunctioning kettle. I can almost guarantee that if I do, within 24 hours I'll be fielding anxious phone calls from, inter alia, A, and possibly B and C about rumours of a fire in my kitchen / my house burning down.


[brick wall] [brick wall] [brick wall]

Posts: 6327 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged
Golden Key
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# 1468

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{{{{{NEQ}}}}}

I've been known to make an "appointment" with myself. During a difficult, unwanted phone call (e.g. with a Difficult Relative): when I couldn't take it any more, I'd plead an appointment. Didn't say what it was. May well have been TV, reading, taking a walk. But an appointment with *myself* is just as valid as any other.

If the kids are old enough to have homework, they could call out that they need help with it.

Or they could always have a "fight"... [Biased]

Oh, and sometimes it helps to set a mental time limit on how long you'll let the call last. (E.g., "I'll hang up after 10 min., unless A drives me mad before then".)

Good luck!

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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?"--Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon"
--"I'm not giving up--and neither should you." --SNL

Posts: 17477 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
Curiosity killed ...

Ship's Mug
# 11770

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The other thing you could do is say that A, B and C all seem to have their heads together at the moment, you're not entirely sure what the problem is, but you hope when they've sorted themselves out you'll know what's going on and will be able to explain. Now this minute you're not sure yourself and would hate to pass on a garbled version that would add to the confusion; has D asked A? With your fingers crossed behind your back that A will tell D if prompted.

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Mugs - Keep the Ship afloat

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North East Quine

Curious beastie
# 13049

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A would happily tell D, were it not for the fact that C has asked A to keep it a secret from D.
Posts: 6327 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged
Curiosity killed ...

Ship's Mug
# 11770

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But it's not your problem to be kept a secret. It's A's, and C has decided that it should be kept a secret from D.

So deflect the issue back to A, by suggesting D talks to A. This may mean A overrides C and tells D, or backs C and doesn't tell D. Either way it's A's secret and up to them whether they tell D or not, so their problem to deal with.

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Mugs - Keep the Ship afloat

Posts: 13450 | From: outiside the outer ring road | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged
Doc Tor
Deepest Red
# 9748

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1. Publish it on social media.
2. Live-tweet the fallout.
3. ...
4. Profit.

If they've told someone, it's not a secret.

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Improbable Botany

Posts: 8598 | From: Ultima Thule | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged
Leorning Cniht
Shipmate
# 17564

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quote:
Originally posted by North East Quine:

Fuck. What do I say to D if she phones fishing for info? I know that A isn't keeping a secret from C, but that it is in fact C who is keeping a secret from D.

"I haven't picked up on any kind of problem between A and C. What makes you think that?" Then let D talk all her worries out, and tell her that you don't think there's anything to it, but you'll keep your eyes open. Has the benefit of being 100% true.

[ 23. August 2017, 02:39: Message edited by: Leorning Cniht ]

Posts: 4638 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2013  |  IP: Logged
Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528

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In such cases i simply wave my hands and say helplessly to whoever enquires, "It's all so complicated. My head is going round. If you find out, maybe you could let me know?" Rinse, repeat, till they go away.

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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!

Posts: 19931 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged
RuthW

liberal "peace first" hankie squeezer
# 13

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quote:
Originally posted by North East Quine:
D has texted me to say thanks for a birthday gift, and has also said that she thinks A is keeping a secret from C. D says she is going to phone me for a chat.

Fuck. What do I say to D if she phones fishing for info? I know that A isn't keeping a secret from C, but that it is in fact C who is keeping a secret from D.

Tell D that if she thinks A is keeping a secret, she should talk to A. There is no reason for you to clarify the situation for D -- it's not up to you to decide who gets to know what in this scenario.

Edit: cross-posted with LC.

[ 23. August 2017, 04:09: Message edited by: RuthW ]

Posts: 24336 | From: La La Land | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061

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This is getting v. weird. Since my parents passed away this year, my sister and I decided it would be good to visit our three aunts, my mother's sisters, who all live in New York City and are all in their late 80s or early 90s. We did this earlier in August. Two of them are very sensible.
But the one, my Aunt P., has a screw loose. We have not seen her in a good 20 years, because of her penchant for family feuds. She assured us that another cousin has stolen/hoarded all the assets that should have been distributed to the family, and proposes that we all hire a lawyer.
We assumed this was a 'let's you and him fight' ploy, and played dumb. Now today she is pelting my unlucky sister with phone calls (I prudently neglected to give Aunt P my number) trying to either organize this lawsuit or a family confrontation, which cannot possibly go well.
I should mention that all these assets (stocks, land, etc.) are in China from several changes in regime ago. The chances of getting anything out of the current Chinese government are infinitesimal. And in any case I believe she has forgotten that a settlement of some sort was achieved in the 80s, by relatives now deceased. If there was any money, it's gone.
I suggested to my sister that she block the number on her phone, but I'm a one for the fast solution...

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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page

Posts: 5248 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014  |  IP: Logged
Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528

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Playing dumb and ignorant is always useful. It gets you out of any number of feuds. As does failure to return timely phone calls. (Those who are chicken can call up, say "how are you?" and get intentionally interrupted 5 minutes in, so as to remove any pretext for "you're blocking me...")

This is actually how I've handled matters in my extended family for lo, these twenty years now. I have a rep as the clueless one. [Snigger]

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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!

Posts: 19931 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged



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