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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Difficult relatives
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ThunderBunk
Stone cold idiot
# 15579
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Baptist Trainfan:
My late mother always insisted (rightly) on getting it right ... but that meant it was quite difficult buying cards with the correct wording.
John Lewis to the rescue!
Even John Lewis failed me this year, so it had to be a blank card.
I think there *might* have been one with Mothering Sunday on it, but it failed the nausea test.
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Currently mostly furious, and occasionally foolish. Normal service may resume eventually. Or it may not. And remember children, "feiern ist wichtig".
Foolish, potentially deranged witterings
Posts: 2208 | From: Norwich | Registered: Apr 2010
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cliffdweller
Shipmate
# 13338
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Baptist Trainfan:
My late mother always insisted (rightly) on getting it right ... but that meant it was quite difficult buying cards with the correct wording.
John Lewis to the rescue!
This reminded me of when my mom gave my feisty grandma one of those schmaltzy-sweet Mother's Day (as we call it) cards with some hyperbolic poem about Mother's Sacrifice, Love and Devotion or some such mush. Grandma said something like "Oh, how lovely that you feel that way, " to which mom responded "well, it's just so hard these days to find a Mother's Day card that says, 'you're a crusty old bird and frankly, a pain in the a** but it's Mother's Day so I had to get you something.'"*
*This sort of thing works in my family. YMMV.
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"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid." -Frederick Buechner
Posts: 11242 | From: a small canyon overlooking the city | Registered: Jan 2008
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Sioni Sais
Shipmate
# 5713
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Posted
My Mother insisted on the day being Mothering Sunday, but wasn't worried about cards so long as she was spared all housework for one day of the year. She wasn't difficult, but stubborn.
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"He isn't Doctor Who, he's The Doctor"
(Paul Sinha, BBC)
Posts: 24276 | From: Newport, Wales | Registered: Apr 2004
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
And practical. ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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Left at the Altar
Ship's Siren
# 5077
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Posted
My mother has now formally moved from being difficult to being crazy.
Long rambling letter about a big secret involving one of my sisters - ask another sister but don't tell anyone. She also mentions another sister (I have a few) and says "I wouldn't be surprised if there were three".
Confused I call my youngest sister who says Mum believes that my second youngest sister is a twin and that her twin was stolen and given to someone else at birth. I call another sister and learn that she believes that this sister is a triplet - same story.
I ask my sisters why this is the first I've known of it and they say "she told us not to tell anyone".
Fuckity duck.
I have had the most bizzare conversations with my mother these last two days. Stolen babies, conspiracy theories, you name it.
So I have been navigating the mental health system and I can tell you, it is a maze. Notwithstanding that this woman has people running for cover in her small town, we can't do much unless she admits she is unwell and asks for treatment, well, as far as she's concerned, she is the victim of prolific baby stealing.
Anyway, her doctor tells us that in his view, she suffers from paranoid personality disorder. I looked it up, and there is was - my mother. For pretty much all my life. Goddam.
So I am now trying to find care for the lying, manipulative, paranoid woman who has, frankly, made my life (and the lives of my father and siblings) all these years, but evidently could not help it.
Shit happens I guess.
On the upside, if she's right, there are 3 more sisters to share the burden
[ 07. April 2014, 11:21: Message edited by: Left at the Altar ]
Posts: 9111 | Registered: Oct 2003
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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
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Posted
You might want to try getting a copy of 'overcoming paranoid and suspicious thinking' - which is a self-help book - not because she will use it; but because it will help make her crazy much more predictable for you. And give you an idea of what strategies will and will not be likely to work when managing stuff with her.
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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
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sabine
Shipmate
# 3861
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Left at the Altar:
My mother has now formally moved from being difficult to being crazy.
I'm new to this thread, so I went back a few pages to see if you had posted recently about your mother's situation. My own mother went through a period of paranoia, seeing things, delusions, etc. We were quite worried until she was diagnosed with a severe urinary tract infection. The doctor told us that sometimes UTIs can lead to thought disorder. Sometimes it's worth checking to see if there is a physical problem underlying the unusual behavior.
I don't have words of wisdom about difficult mothers. Mine is difficult, as well. It's hard to be a caregiver in such situations.
But, as I told my sister, I'm taking notes about how to be or not to be an elderly person who is cared for by others. If I live to be as old as my mother and if I need caregivers, I sure hope I remember where I put those notes.
sabine
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"Hunger looks like the man that hunger is killing." Eduardo Galeano
Posts: 5887 | From: the US Heartland | Registered: Dec 2002
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Left at the Altar
Ship's Siren
# 5077
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Posted
Thanks, we are getting her tested for a uti to see if that's what's behind the sudden escalation of delusion.
But the pattern all my life with her fits the diagnosis so I'll see if I can lay my hands on the book.
She's right troppo at the moment.
Eta: Stupid autocorrect.
[ 07. April 2014, 20:44: Message edited by: Left at the Altar ]
Posts: 9111 | Registered: Oct 2003
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
My poor old mum ended up in a public hospital with the doctors suspecting the DTs and talking about shipping her off to a psych hospital before her best friend, who nursed geriatric patients suggested a uti. One course of anti-biotics and she was back to her usual self, to the relief of all concerned.
I was furious when a cousin, who also worked with elderly people told me that it was standard where she worked to immediately test for a uti if an elderly woman seemed to become paranoid overnight. Dad was embarassed and didn't want to make a fuss, but it seemed to me a complaint should have been made to the hospital about their failure to act promptly.
Huia
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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cliffdweller
Shipmate
# 13338
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Posted
My mom had a similar reaction to certain pain killers. Unfortunately, I think there is all too often just a default assumption that old=crazy (see my earlier post re mom's deafness).
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"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid." -Frederick Buechner
Posts: 11242 | From: a small canyon overlooking the city | Registered: Jan 2008
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
And I've seen it in my grandfather, both with a UTI and when he was having some kidney dysfunction for some reason. It got better after treatment.
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Taliesin
Shipmate
# 14017
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Posted
just in case it helps:
Last year my mum went to hospital with dangerously low sodium levels. We were visiting regularly, obviously, and coping with the fact that she thought she was on a ship, waiting at an airport, one of the hospital staff, watching the woman opposite who was an old colleague, who had a small cat with her. (none of these were true)
Then someone announced she was to be discharged, and 'wasn't confused' so we told more senior staff that this wasn't normal behaviour.
They kept her another week, and kept checking her levels. It took her a long time to get over the illness, including the mental confusion, but now she's better. Point being that hospital staff thought the level of confusion she was exhibiting was normal for her age group. They hadn't bothered to talk to family. Thank God she had family.
Posts: 2138 | From: South, UK | Registered: Aug 2008
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Taliesin
Shipmate
# 14017
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Posted
Doublethink, did you mean this?
book
or a different one?
Posts: 2138 | From: South, UK | Registered: Aug 2008
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Curiosity killed ...
Ship's Mug
# 11770
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Posted
My grandmother got confused when her calcium levels slipped (can't remember which way) - she had liver, lung and other cancers by that stage. But from being mentally all there to total confusion was quick - and reversible.
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Mugs - Keep the Ship afloat
Posts: 13794 | From: outiside the outer ring road | Registered: Aug 2006
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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Taliesin:
Doublethink, did you mean this?
book
or a different one?
Yup, that one.
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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
Hi little thread! didja miss me?
I am so pissed off right now I am nauseous.
I have been working on this largish painting for eight years.When I first began this painting, I asked my mom for permission to prop it up in a corner of the along the back of an end table, completely out of anyone's way,once it dried. It was in a place where nothing artistic was going on anyway, it sort to goes with the room, and in any case she said OK.. Within a week, Mom had gathered every unmounted paining she had, every drawing my nephew had left at our house, plus a couple prints she had bought in England, and piled all of these in front of my painting. As I said, nothing else had been there before. So, that's part one.
Part two, is I have now finished my painting and bring it up to my room, and the resulting difference inspired me to go through a huge tear in my room I move out four bags of old clothing and several bags of trash, and in the process I find three mid-sized canvas boards (matts with canvas covering, sort of), still wrapped.
Like an idiot, I enthuse about my find to Mom, and in the process I mention that I remembered she had initially bought them for Neph, but he'd only used one and lost interest. (neph is more into digital art.)She has found them during one of her own tears, and asked me if I wanted them, mentioning how disappointed she was that Neph hadn't shown any interest.I noticed her get a weird look on her face, but figured it was just because I was talking about myself, heaven forbid,. I did feel the need to remind her that she had given the boards to me, though.
Of course, I am doing some more spot- cleaning roday, and when I reach over to put the boards in a space I have cleared for them-- they are gone.
Backstory-- both my parents have stolen from me, repeatedly. It is like if something belongs to me, automatically the parents have salvage rights. All they had to do was come up with some bullshit justification. Kelly is saving offerings for Bible school? Well, if they knew what a lousy kid she was, they wouldn't want her money anyway, so Dad cops it for beer-- no shame. Kelly gets a special book from the turn of the century from an elderly cousin? Kids don't get gifts like that-- so just take it from her room and hide it in the closet. If she asks where it went, make terse comments about what a slob she is. No shame. Kelly gets a diamond chip ring for her 18th birthday? Make snide remarks about how 18 year olds don't need diamonds, offer to "keep it safe" in your jewelry box, then when she asks to wear it, claim that that conversation never happened and the ring she sees in your box is something Dad gave her. No FUCKING shame.
(The day after my dad died, my sister cleaned a bunch of crap off the top of the ettigier (sp? hate that thing, anyway) in the front room, and found her high school ring squirreled away with a bunch of other stuff Dad had decided we didn't deserve.)
When I got divorced and moved my stuff out storage into the basement, I caught her pawing through my stuff with my sister, removing things from my boxes, and hiding it in her own stuff. From their whispered conversation I gleaned that she had decided certain items were "too pretty for Kelly-- she's not into this fancy stuff" and therefore it was ok for her to just claim it. One item was a very special gift my former mother-in-law had given to me.
She was actually giggling about it.I have never seen someone turn so white when I caught her.
The issue with the painting is twofold-- yes, she gave me the mats, but they were originally Neph's and therefore me using them is audacious beyond bearability, two, Mom is The Painter in the family. My even attempting it, and definitely enjoying it, and being happy with my results, is some sort of declaration of war to her. Never mind the fact that I have bought her art supplies as gifts for years, and she just let them collect dust rather than doing a single damn creative thing on her own, I have to humble myself before her talent on the off-chance she might feel like dabbing at a canvas. This is also about me displaying any enthusiasm about anything other that something that involves her, personally and exclusively.
same thing happened when I briefly took up piano. I asked for a cheapo brand keyboard for Christmas, and she gave me her own cast off, which she never used. The next time she had a beef with me-- during a private discussion, I had answered a cousin truthfully when she asked how my dad treated my sister-- she announced to the air that she was thinking of giving Neph her old keyboard for his birthday-- the one I 'kept in my room.' "Oh, that's right, you're taking piano now. Well, are you still using it?"
And then she started using the keyboard to pile stuff on, despite my repeated request for her not to. Laundry, books, trash-- everything on the keyboard. First thing I did when I cleaned out my room was put a big sign over the keyboard saying "LEAVE PIANO CLEAR."
Fucking get off your OWN butt, paint whatever you damn well please, play whatever you damn well want, and stop pissing on my parade, you spiteful cow. And I don't know what kind of person you are but since I am reminiscing-- Mom and Dead Dad, I have no idea how the two of you could have done the kind of nasty, soulless things you did to children and still locked yourselves in the mirror. I can't understand how anyone who invokes their relationship with God as often as you do/ did can be comfortable with the idea of facing him after nicking your daughter's fucking birthday ring. If you are not ashamed of yourselves, you should be.
(Whew.)
To tell the truth, now that I have gotten that out, I just kid of feel sorry for her. How miserable must your interior life be if you are so worried about how what someone else does,tries, accomplishes affects your general status in life? How does one get to thinking that way? It has to be misery- making.
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
WHOA that's a helluva glurge. Sorry!
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
You're not currently LIVING with her, are you???? Because if you are, I strongly suggest a lock. Either that or a stun gun.
Wow, and I thought I had freaky relatives. hate hate HATE it when people try to gaslight others.
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Uncle Pete
Loyaute me lie
# 10422
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Posted
A double or triple lock. And an industrial padlock, just in case.
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Even more so than I was before
Posts: 20466 | From: No longer where I was | Registered: Sep 2005
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Ariston
Insane Unicorn
# 10894
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by PeteC:
A double or triple lock. And an industrial padlock, just in case.
Nah, you can get through those sorts of things with bolt cutters or an industrial grinder pretty easily—just ask anyone who's ever had their bike stolen. What you need is a u-lock, a reinforced steel, Kevlar jacketed chain, a few pieces of reinforced steel plating, and a very large and protective dog who bonds to one person very, very exclusively.
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“Therefore, let it be explained that nowhere are the proprieties quite so strictly enforced as in men’s colleges that invite young women guests, especially over-night visitors in the fraternity houses.” Emily Post, 1937.
Posts: 6849 | From: The People's Republic of Balcones | Registered: Jan 2006
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Meg the Red
Shipmate
# 11838
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Posted
I was thinking a proton pack might come in handy. ('Course, you'd have to change your name to Spengler - small price to pay, IMO).
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Chocoholic Canuckistani Cyclopath
Posts: 1126 | From: Rat Creek | Registered: Sep 2006
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
Wow, and I thought I had freaky relatives. hate hate HATE it when people try to gaslight others.
Mom is the queen of gaslight. Makes it impossible to call her on anything. Any time she doesn't like what reality has to offer, she just reinvents it and sticks to it like glue.
Needless to say I love that movie. Every time Bergman goes into her triumph speech, I call up, "Ma, turn it to channel 29, you gotta see this!"
It's not my house, so I am reminded of that when I bring up putting a lock on the door, but I have pretty much let Mom know if I am pushed far enough I will get out the tools and install it no matter what she says. I already have a door jam because she would burst in my room without knocking any time she saw fit, and i figured she couldn't complain about something that wasn't attached to the door.
Ariston-- Husky? Doberman?
[ 14. April 2014, 02:23: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
Macaw. Greenwing.
The personality of a two year old on speed, the loyalty of a loyal thing, and a beak like a bolt cutter. Believe me, Mom will learn to stay out. Can you say, "Maimed?" ![[Snigger]](graemlins/snigger.gif)
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
Macaw. Greenwing.
The personality of a two year old on speed, the loyalty of a loyal thing, and a beak like a bolt cutter. Believe me, Mom will learn to stay out. Can you say, "Maimed?"
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
Electrified door handles?
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
Move out. Asap. And don't look back. It really is the only answer, though physical distance doesn't always mean emotional distance. It does make emotional distance easier to achieve, though.
[ 14. April 2014, 07:03: Message edited by: Ariel ]
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
Ariel, Love I know you mean the very best, but you did say this in Hell, so I am going to take this opportunity to shout past you down the line of the dozen or so people who have said what you have said. Cover your ears dear.
I'M TRYING TO MOVE OUT, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!!!!!
Bless. ![[Axe murder]](graemlins/lovedrops.gif)
Seriously, the minute I collect move-out money, I am gone.
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Palimpsest
Shipmate
# 16772
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Posted
Don't take anything she offers you or ask her for unused things she has. For her it's all bait with a nasty hook she'll reel back in. Paint on cardboard boxes if you need to rather than take art supplies from her. If you have any jewelry, get a lock box and bolt it down if you can't store it with a friend or relative you trust. See what items might benefit from having your name written on them with an indelible marker.
This will no doubt make her get even more crazy, but at least it won't be making you crazy.
Good luck with the move-out money. I imagine any used things she "gave" you will be forfeit as you leave the house.
Posts: 2990 | From: Seattle WA. US | Registered: Nov 2011
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Ariston
Insane Unicorn
# 10894
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Ariston-- Husky? Doberman?
I've reconsidered. Ill-tempered and vicious chihuahua that you forfeit/forget when you escape.
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“Therefore, let it be explained that nowhere are the proprieties quite so strictly enforced as in men’s colleges that invite young women guests, especially over-night visitors in the fraternity houses.” Emily Post, 1937.
Posts: 6849 | From: The People's Republic of Balcones | Registered: Jan 2006
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Palimpsest:
Good luck with the move-out money. I imagine any used things she "gave" you will be forfeit as you leave the house.
Meh, it's not that bad, I just happened to trip over her crazy this weekend. Mostly we just stay out each other's way. And for the most part my stuff goes unmolested, it's just random acts of crazy. It's not like I live in constant fear of my stuff going missing, and that's not always how the crazy manifests itself.
i found some more mats on sale, and stocked up. These have no prior legacy I have to worry about.
I think this incident just triggered a bunch of pent-up bitterness from all that old stuff. And you better believe that wherever I wind up is going to have a big damn lock on the door.
(oh yeah, and I am already employing a marker.)
[ 14. April 2014, 08:06: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
Ariston-- what I really need is a voodoo witch doctor to put a binding spell/ protective curse on every damn item in my room. Fuck with me at your peril,world.
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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mark_in_manchester
not waving, but...
# 15978
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Posted
Kelly -
Wow - you're living with her.
You're describing my Dad, and in a slightly different way, Mum. 'Narcissistic Parents', as I have usefully picked up, on here. But I escaped 200 miles away, which for me is really not far enough. Mentally preparing for a weekly-ish phone call had me in a rage and off church yesterday, for instance. My relationship with my parents is effectively the vehicle for the most substantial spiritual attack I have to face, and despite my middle-age I have not yet got anywhere dealing with it.
Wrath is a normal-enough hellish emotion around here, and here's another - hopelessness. There is no hope for these people, and our relationships with them. If we self-abnegate in the face of their demands, we damage ourselves and their corrupted sense of reality rides on unchallenged. If we challenge, then the crippled ego which drives them strikes out in a fury, and, further crippled, demands yet more reality-defeating appeasement. Lord have mercy.
Speaking personally, this is a 'sins of the fathers' thing. Growing up with this stuff fucks you up. One's own ego grows up (or rather, fails to grow up) crippled and angry. So the inner reserves of confidence and grace needed to say 'yes Dad, you're right again, how could I have been such a fool, I must change my life now in so many ways' (while perhaps intending to do nothing about it) aren't there, and something inside is screaming 'not fair not fair not fair you semi-skilled semi-literate self-regarding cunt' - instead.
I pray to be given the reserves, to feed to those total-loss grace-consuming machines. Rather like manna, sometimes it comes but it doesn't last long in the cupboard.
['To gaslight' = to act out an alternative, personally satisfying reality around oneself that everyone else is obliged to act with deference towards? Or am I reading my own situation into yours too much?!]
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"We are punished by our sins, not for them" - Elbert Hubbard
(so good, I wanted to see it after my posts and not only after those of shipmate JBohn from whom I stole it)
Posts: 1596 | Registered: Oct 2010
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
Kelly, I thought that someone else's situation, about which I cannot post was bad, but yours.... I feel for you.
Mark, you would find, based on someone else's experience, that the full diameter of the Earth, crust, mantle and core, would not be far enough. I feel for you, too.
I had occasion to ask for advice from the local domestic violence police officer, for someone else, concerning parental abuse of an adult, and she told me how common it was - which was a perverse sort of comfort, but an appalling thought, none the less.
That so many people have immunised themselves against seeing the harm they are doing, or, not having done so, still seek to do it, is horrifying.
"to gaslight" based on a film in which a husband attempts to persuade his wife that she is mad, by engineering events around her and then denying that they happened. In a wider interpretation, it may involve the persuader having first persuaded themself of an alternate reality before imposing it on the victim.
[ 14. April 2014, 14:03: Message edited by: Penny S ]
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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Chorister
Completely Frocked
# 473
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Posted
Phew, Kelly.... I used to work for someone just like that (a live-in job, so 24/7). But at least I could walk away, get a job somewhere else and never ever have to see them again. People are very good at throwing on the guilt if anyone removes themselves from an actual relative so completely. But, sadly, for extreme reasons, that's sometimes necessary too.
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Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.
Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Penny S:
"to gaslight" based on a film in which a husband attempts to persuade his wife that she is mad, by engineering events around her and then denying that they happened. In a wider interpretation, it may involve the persuader having first persuaded themself of an alternate reality before imposing it on the victim.
Exactly. One of the things Charles Boyer did to Ingrid Bergman in that film was mess around with the gas levels in the light fixtures, and then claim they were the same as always. Hence the name of the film--"Gaslight"-- and the subsequent adoption of the term to describe the dynamic Penny described.
Mark-- I am in the Alanon program, and trying to build the arsenal of tools that will allow me to "detach with love". As Chorister says, guilt from a variety if family members can be powerfully crippling.
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
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Posted
Do you pay rent to your mother ?
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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
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Autenrieth Road
Shipmate
# 10509
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Posted
Aha! "Gaslight" was used of the person I'm pushing out, and now I know what it really means. Yes, that's exactly it. Tells you one day one thing, then you act on it, and the next day tells you the opposite thing.
Not a relative, but I'm very pleased to have learned what this term means -- and only a day after I watched the gas being turned up and down in quick succession, and it was all on display for a third party. Ha.
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Truth
Posts: 9559 | From: starlight | Registered: Oct 2005
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Ariston
Insane Unicorn
# 10894
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Posted
I think the term "kicking Bishop Brennan up the arse" might be more appropriate for this crowd.
Anyway, it's bad. On all who kick, on on who lie, I invoke Commandment 1, and will refer them to the admins.
So There.
[Hopefully the video works now!]
[ 14. April 2014, 23:46: Message edited by: Ariston ]
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“Therefore, let it be explained that nowhere are the proprieties quite so strictly enforced as in men’s colleges that invite young women guests, especially over-night visitors in the fraternity houses.” Emily Post, 1937.
Posts: 6849 | From: The People's Republic of Balcones | Registered: Jan 2006
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Moo
Ship's tough old bird
# 107
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Ariston:
I think the term "kicking Bishop Brennan up the arse" might be more appropriate for this crowd.
I clicked on that link and got the message, 'This video does not exist.'
Moo
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Kerygmania host
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See you later, alligator.
Posts: 20365 | From: Alleghany Mountains of Virginia | Registered: May 2001
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Ariston
Insane Unicorn
# 10894
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Posted
Should be better now...
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“Therefore, let it be explained that nowhere are the proprieties quite so strictly enforced as in men’s colleges that invite young women guests, especially over-night visitors in the fraternity houses.” Emily Post, 1937.
Posts: 6849 | From: The People's Republic of Balcones | Registered: Jan 2006
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Doublethink:
Do you pay rent to your mother ?
No at the moment, because I don't have a job. The last year I was in College I was living on financial aid, and I am currently fund-less.
I'm gonna assume you don't mean, "As long as you are a charity case, She can rip off whatever she wants" because there is not enough Fuck Off in the world in response to that. I may have no legal recourse, but that doesn't excuse her behavior. it just means she is picking on somebody who can't currently hit back.
If what you mean is, "As you landlord she is required to respond to your request for a door lock" --Well even when I do get a job and rent money, I would rather work on the process of getting her as far away from a landlord position as possible. She offered to let me continue staying here until I graduated-- I was actually ready to move out three year ago-- but Mark is right, the gift of the free rent she offered-- SHE offered-- comes with a huge price tag. In retrospect I should have politely declined and got the hell out of there when I had the chance and finished my schooling later
(She tried to do the same thing when I started getting invites to enroll in graduate school-- What' a couple years more, she said. NO, I said. My guess is the next step is another round of mysterious illness that crops up just when I get into a position to move forward. Last semester was an absolute hell of manipulation and chaos, I have no idea how I managed to graduate without having a heart attack along the way.She acts like I am the world's biggest thorn in her side, but also throws all these monkey wrenches into things every time I take a step toward freedom.)
...
...
Now that I have said all that-- I have to mention that the matts turned up. While there is still the issue of her moving stuff around in my room, and I can't say with any kind of real confidence that she has broken the habit of grazing for odds and ends in my room, in this case she wasn't taking things away from me, she was just deciding she knew better where stuff belonged than I did. So, my reaction was at least 75% old stuff. I moved them back, told her that that was my space for them, and that seemed to settle it.
I guess the bottom line is that, if all that other stuff hadn't happened, I wouldn't have any basis for worrying about what she is doing with my stuff at all. So while I am somewhat mollified--I still have a hard time being too hard on myself.
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Palimpsest
Shipmate
# 16772
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Posted
Did the mattes turn up after she knew you had purchased new ones? If so, that does seem like gaslight behavior... You get upset about something she does, and she secretly undoes it and makes you feel you over-reacted.
A webcam running on your room while you're gone does seem like it would be interesting watching. ![[Mad]](angryfire.gif)
[ 15. April 2014, 04:31: Message edited by: Palimpsest ]
Posts: 2990 | From: Seattle WA. US | Registered: Nov 2011
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Palimpsest:
Did the mattes turn up after she knew you had purchased new ones? If so, that does seem like gaslight behavior... You get upset about something she does, and she secretly undoes it and makes you feel you over-reacted.
A webcam running on your room while you're gone does seem like it would be interesting watching.
No, I never confronted her when they turned up missing-- I was hurt and pissed off and needed to calm down. And the new ones are still in my car. The place where I found them made sense, if I tried to look at it her way. So, not gaslighting behavior this time, just mundane controlling behavior. She didn't dodge at all when I brought it up.
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
I recognise the things turning up manoeuvre. Don't assume it to be innocent in this case. Someone else's passport just at the point when it would be too late to apply for a new one to attend something important, in his own bag, previously searched through again, and again. And there is always a reasonable explanation.
Sorry to be cynical, it doesn't look too Christian, but this behaviour happens.
It also sounds as if it is grounded in the same roots as my acquaintenance's troubles. A desperation not to be left, but leading to behaviour which would actually drive the victim away. While making sure the victim can't leave. I don't understand it. Why not make the home really attractive, and the relationship really friendly? Why not allow the victim a personal space that is their own?
[ 15. April 2014, 09:13: Message edited by: Penny S ]
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
Massive insecurity. It reminds me of how someone once described borderline personality disorder--as "I hate you, don't leave me." I've known people very like this.
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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tessaB
Shipmate
# 8533
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Posted
My mother has never actually stolen anything from me but has, sort off, tricked me out of things. Example, when my father's mother (no love lost between her and my mum) died, she left myself and my two sisters her three diamond rings. I got the eternity ring and loved it. My mother made a few comments along the lines of 'Oh that large eternity ring makes your engagement ring look even smaller. Such a shame that it isn't small like mine, my very large engagement ring dwarfs my eternity ring.'
So being the complete mug I am, I offered to swap. After all, when mum dies I will probably get my beloved grannies ring back, no? No! She sold it a week later on the grounds that she would probably not wear it that much ![[brick wall]](graemlins/brick_wall.gif)
She simply does not understand my sentimental attachement to things belonging to people I loved but she didn't.
ETA - in fact she doesn't understand how I could love someone she didn't like. After all, I am not a seperate person from her am I?
[ 15. April 2014, 14:10: Message edited by: tessaB ]
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tessaB
eating chocolate to the glory of God
Holiday cottage near Rye
Posts: 1068 | From: U.K. | Registered: Sep 2004
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
Yes. I was asked by Relative to say what I wanted from grandparents' house when they passed, as she would be executor and wanted to know what to put aside then. I mentioned a small table. When the time came, she tried to argue me out of taking the table,stored it outside (!) and told me the rain had warped it, and when I still wanted it, gave it to her pastor and handed me a reproduction Mayan calendar thingy that she SAID I had always wanted. WTF am I to do with this thing? It has a face on it, sticking its tongue out at me.
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
Give it to her for Christmas? With inadequate postage on it.
[ 15. April 2014, 14:54: Message edited by: Penny S ]
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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