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Source: (consider it) Thread: Difficult relatives
Robert Armin

All licens'd fool
# 182

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Kelly:
quote:
I do think that growing up with family members treating every conflict that way sets a person up for being more vulnerable to encountering it outside the home, though. First off, you develop an unhealthy tolerance to it-- since defending yourself never works, you begin to lose the skill and motivation to defend yourself-- and second-- well, I have found that it seems to take people who meet me-- well, some people, anyway-- a very short time to figure out the quickest way to handle any confrontation or contrary opinion I might attempt is to bury me in accusations, character assesments, and aggressive or mocking language. Even people who claim to like and respect me do this. It's like my family sent me out in the world with this stamp on my head that says DISREGARD ALL OUTPUT ASAP.

People tell me that that will all melt away like magic once I become better at believing in myself, but I am a work in progress, and I confess the fact that I still have to wrestle past people's projected power issues still gets me down sometimes.

You've described me so well, it's scary. Slowly I'm coming to the realisation that I've been bullied by my sister for years and, like any bullying, those scars take a long time to heal.

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Keeping fit was an obsession with Fr Moity .... He did chin ups in the vestry, calisthenics in the pulpit, and had developed a series of Tai-Chi exercises to correspond with ritual movements of the Mass. The Antipope Robert Rankin

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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Hey, the one good thing about this whiny self indulgent thread is it allows us not to feel so alone.
So, first I will add today's whinge-- back a few pages, I may have described how my mother hovers around my general area as I move from room to room in the house. Since I got my iPad, I can do more stuff from my room, so that thwarted that. For a while.

Recently, she has taken to lockimg herself in the bathrom next to my room, not making a sound. The other day she was in there for an hour and fifteen minutes, not making a sound. She sometimes even enters without a sound, and I don't know she's there till she gets up to leave and slams the toilet lid. Makes me jump out of my skin.

The really creepy thing is when she started this, she made a couple really inappropriate comments about stuff she hears in my room. I'll spare you. But they were of the "I know this makes you cringe and I'm loving it" variety.

So, regarding the very selfishlife improvement things I put on the Christmas Wsh list in Heaven-- anything that helps me stave off insanity will help the general population. Particularly my students. Therefore, I have no problem makimg Get Me Ouf Of Here my wish list priority.

Second, yesterday I decided to reread this thread from the beginnimg, and was felighted to see that, in the midst of our colective angst, we were laughing and partying and even cracking dick jokes. We are survivors. So, I toast you and your difficult relatives, for helping make the year more bearable. [Overused]

[ 07. December 2014, 15:25: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]

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"Take your broken heart, make it into art"-- Carrie Fisher (1956-2016)

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JoannaP
Shipmate
# 4493

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quote:
Originally posted by Curiosity killed ...:
The biggest problem with living with / having contact with / accepting (delete as applicable) this sort of judgemental attitude / punitive punishment methods / psychological mistreatment is that it rubs off and you find it very difficult to over-ride any and all of that childhood conditioning to behave in unhelpful ways.

Oh yes. I feel that moving 100 miles away from my mother was the best thing that I ever did. Now having the distance, it is scary to look at our relationship and see things that I was too close to notice before or that I just accepted as 'normal'. She has a coterie of willing slaves, so is managing fine without me (and I am too focussed on preserving my own sanity to worry about them)..

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"Freedom for the pike is death for the minnow." R. H. Tawney (quoted by Isaiah Berlin)

"Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety." Benjamin Franklin

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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768

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Can't use one of those round here. Totally unsuitable for these roads.
Can't drive round Sarf Lun'non like that!
Nice idea though.

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Pigwidgeon

Ship's Owl
# 10192

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Kelly, would playing a radio help give you some privacy? (or whatever type of music-playing device you might have)

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Don't keep calm. Go change the world.

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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Yeah, I do that. When I know she's in there.

I'd rather just move the hell away from having to adjust to it at all,though.

[ 07. December 2014, 18:40: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]

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"Take your broken heart, make it into art"-- Carrie Fisher (1956-2016)

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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768

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What about a recording of unidentifiable but curious noises? I have an LP of sound effects from the BBC Radiophonic Workshop that might exercise her imagination.
Or a whoopie cushion under the toilet seat?

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Robert Armin

All licens'd fool
# 182

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quote:
Originally posted by Penny S:
What about a recording of unidentifiable but curious noises? I have an LP of sound effects from the BBC Radiophonic Workshop that might exercise her imagination.
Or a whoopie cushion under the toilet seat?

Penny, you're not the Messiah, you're a very naughty girl! [Overused]

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Keeping fit was an obsession with Fr Moity .... He did chin ups in the vestry, calisthenics in the pulpit, and had developed a series of Tai-Chi exercises to correspond with ritual movements of the Mass. The Antipope Robert Rankin

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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I had a CD playing Gregorian chant at my bedroom wall for weeks after she made her comments.

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"Take your broken heart, make it into art"-- Carrie Fisher (1956-2016)

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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061

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The other idea is dialogue. Lines like, "How much blood is in a human body?" or "Oh no, razor blades are not my thing!" When taxed, allege you hope to audition for a play and are rehearsing.

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Science fiction and fantasy writer

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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528

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Oh yes! Except explain nothing. Look puzzled and say "You heard what?"

ETA: If you wish to be particularly evil, say things like "It was the best sex I've EVER had," as if you were on the phone. Something that will send her apoplectic with curiosity.

[ 07. December 2014, 23:35: Message edited by: Lamb Chopped ]

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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!

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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061

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We could probably supply you with a fine list of evil lines. You could put them onto 3x5 cards and shuffle them, reading whichever one comes to the top. "I was thinking of green. Do you think they could do my eyebrows to match?"

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Science fiction and fantasy writer

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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quote:
Originally posted by Brenda Clough:
The other idea is dialogue. Lines like, "How much blood is in a human body?" or "Oh no, razor blades are not my thing!" When taxed, allege you hope to audition for a play and are rehearsing.

See, that's one of the embarrassing things-- sometimes I try bits of dialogue I am writing out loud to see if it sounds natural.
Hey, John Waters does the same thing.

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"Take your broken heart, make it into art"-- Carrie Fisher (1956-2016)

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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528

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Exploit it! Exploit it! [Yipee]

... and look very mysterious if quizzed about it. "You'll see it in print some day soon. Oh, I didn't tell you I was publishing a book about...? Oh, never mind, it'll be a great surprise."

Of course, this means your room will be scoured for incriminating evidence. I'd suggest leaving a few random balled up pieces of paper in the trashcan which are totally indecipherable scratch outs except for her name, which is barely readable. [Devil]

--------------------
Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!

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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528

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quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
I had a CD playing Gregorian chant at my bedroom wall for weeks after she made her comments.

I'm liking the Gregorian chant. did you know there's a thing called "Pigorian chant" out there in a CD? I got it for my folks for Christmas a few years back. I think the title was "Oink."

That would make some interesting listening.

--------------------
Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!

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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061

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The other idea is to abruptly switch from Gregorian chant to the works of, say, AC-DC. Or thrash metal rock. Or some other such very noisy musical selection. Power the volume way up. Just for three minutes, and then flip back to Gregorian again.

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Science fiction and fantasy writer

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Carex
Shipmate
# 9643

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I think there should be an occasional message from aliens or some spy headquarters interspersed with the audio - as though it is coming in through a clandestine radio. Just to keep things interesting...
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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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This is all very entertaining, but I do have to sleep at some point, people. [Big Grin]

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"Take your broken heart, make it into art"-- Carrie Fisher (1956-2016)

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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528

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?.. but if you don't talk in your sleep, you're golden. [Big Grin]

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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!

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L'organist
Shipmate
# 17338

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The 'Teach Yourself' series of language tutors used to do audio tapes and CDs: often now to be found in charity shops. I can recommend teach-yourself Bulgarian, interspersed perhaps with some salsa music and a reading of Under Milkwood [Two face] [Killing me]

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Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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Holy shit that made me laugh.

Also made me wonder if I can get hold of Lovecraft on CD.

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"Take your broken heart, make it into art"-- Carrie Fisher (1956-2016)

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Doc Tor
Deepest Red
# 9748

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quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Also made me wonder if I can get hold of Lovecraft on CD.

Ai! Ai! F'tang!

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Lost in Space

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orfeo

Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878

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quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Hey, the one good thing about this whiny self indulgent thread is it allows us not to feel so alone.

*consults Hell manual*

*consults slightly singed copy of All Saints manual that dropped into a fissure and ended up here*


[Paranoid]

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Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.

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orfeo

Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878

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In fact, looking at the last few days of this thread, it's been far too close to a group hug at times. I applaud the trend in recent posts back towards finding creatively wicked ways to get back at horrible family members.

Keep it up. Any lapses towards the kind of supportive nonsense they do in other parts of the Ship and I'll start making you all listen to Tori Amos.

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Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.

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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768

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I'm wondering if there's a way of fixing up a speaker so that most of the sound goes into and through the wall so that you can be listening to other peaceful stuff through headphones (the noise cancelling sort) while the disruptive stuff can only be heard in the bathroom.
Or attach a marble run to the wall.

[ 08. December 2014, 09:09: Message edited by: Penny S ]

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L'organist
Shipmate
# 17338

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Small speaker either in the central light fitting in the bathroom or just behind the bath panel would be my recommendation, all going to dedicated small device that you buy specially and can keep concealed from Mama.

And to ramp it up a bit, from time to time play the sort of stuff in your room (so that can hear it) that she wouldn't associate with you in years: try German techno-music, maybe some Schoenberg/Berg sprechstimme passages, anything by The Bay City Rollers - you get the picture.

And - MOST IMPORTANT - drift about the house with a dreamy smile on your face and respond to any conversational overtures as if startled from some beatific reverie.

You may get a kick out of the performance - it is likely to drive your mother crackers [Devil]

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Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet

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Gee D
Shipmate
# 13815

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I am trying to work out which of the other posters is the mother of Kelly Alves.

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Not every Anglican in Sydney is Sydney Anglican

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Doc Tor
Deepest Red
# 9748

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quote:
Originally posted by Gee D:
I am trying to work out which of the other posters is the mother of Kelly Alves.

Don't try too hard, as we tend to frown on that sort of thing here.

Doc Tor
Hell host


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Lost in Space

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mark_in_manchester

not waving, but...
# 15978

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quote:
Small speaker either in the central light fitting in the bathroom or just behind the bath panel would be my recommendation
We did this to a fella we shared a house with - car-radio speaker under his divan bed base, wires under the carpet and through his bedroom door to a stereo in the adjoining bedroom. It was a long time ago, and someone had an lp (Marillion?) with lots of spooky bell noises on it. So we dropped the needle in the right place a few times and slowly wound up the volume.

After a bit he appeared on the landing looking shifty...and then went back in his room. Someone then plugged a cheapo mic into the gram socket and whispered Raymond .

He came out of the room like a cork out of a bottle wailing ' it said my name!! '. We had tears down our faces, and turned his bed over to reveal the speaker. He still wouldn't go back in his room.

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"We are punished by our sins, not for them" - Elbert Hubbard
(so good, I wanted to see it after my posts and not only after those of shipmate JBohn from whom I stole it)

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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061

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And there are X-rated sound tracks to stuff. Mostly online porn videos.

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Science fiction and fantasy writer

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Palimpsest
Shipmate
# 16772

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You could record a soundtrack of you doing various noisy stuff. Put it on and quietly sneak to another part of the house. You have to make it interesting enough (mock phone calls) that she stays in the bathroom.
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061

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"But does that include pubic hair?"
"Agh, the idea of needles squicks me out. But I could do piercings!"
"And then what? (long attentive pause) No! How big?"
"You gotta hold it just at the right angle, you know what I mean?"
"No, that sounds perfectly average to me."
"Leather. Definitely leather. Do they make it in black?"

--------------------
Science fiction and fantasy writer

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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Brenda-- ick. No.

Palimpest-- heh. Maybe.

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"Take your broken heart, make it into art"-- Carrie Fisher (1956-2016)

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Palimpsest
Shipmate
# 16772

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The movie Gaslight comes to mind.
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Tubbs

Miss Congeniality
# 440

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quote:
Originally posted by Palimpsest:
The movie Gaslight comes to mind.

Didn't exactly go as planned though, did it?! [Biased]

Tubbs

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"It's better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than open it up and remove all doubt" - Dennis Thatcher. My blog. Decide for yourself which I am

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Robert Armin

All licens'd fool
# 182

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My niece has sent me an email that reads as though it was dictated by her mother. Everything I said to my sister has been passed on, as though I was criticising my niece, and the niece is hurt now. This is very clever of my sister, and so underhand it makes me want to blow her fucking head off!

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Keeping fit was an obsession with Fr Moity .... He did chin ups in the vestry, calisthenics in the pulpit, and had developed a series of Tai-Chi exercises to correspond with ritual movements of the Mass. The Antipope Robert Rankin

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ChastMastr
Shipmate
# 716

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Kelly, is there a way to cease living under the same roof, or is this a permanent situation?

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My essays on comics continuity: http://chastmastr.tumblr.com/tagged/continuity

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Ariston
Insane Unicorn
# 10894

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Chast, have you read this goddamn thread beyond this page? Seriously, I think she's kind of spelled this out about fifteen times already for each newcomer offering the sage "advice" to just move out.

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“Therefore, let it be explained that nowhere are the proprieties quite so strictly enforced as in men’s colleges that invite young women guests, especially over-night visitors in the fraternity houses.” Emily Post, 1937.

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ChastMastr
Shipmate
# 716

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quote:
Originally posted by Ariston:
Chast, have you read this goddamn thread beyond this page?

er

no

sorry

[Hot and Hormonal]

--------------------
My essays on comics continuity: http://chastmastr.tumblr.com/tagged/continuity

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ChastMastr
Shipmate
# 716

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Oh, OK, I have, back in September when it came up, but I was/am still sort of confused about whether moving out was possible, rather than just difficult.

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My essays on comics continuity: http://chastmastr.tumblr.com/tagged/continuity

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Ariston
Insane Unicorn
# 10894

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Keep reading. It's been explained a few times before then as well...

(Also, in case you need origami ideas)

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“Therefore, let it be explained that nowhere are the proprieties quite so strictly enforced as in men’s colleges that invite young women guests, especially over-night visitors in the fraternity houses.” Emily Post, 1937.

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ChastMastr
Shipmate
# 716

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Ah, found it back on page 13.

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My essays on comics continuity: http://chastmastr.tumblr.com/tagged/continuity

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JoannaP
Shipmate
# 4493

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How come my mother is really sympathetic about other people (including MrP) suffering from depression but goes into denial when it's me? For me to take antidepressants is a moral failing so grave that she invokes the memory of my grandmother. Being depressed is no reason for me not to do anything that she thinks I should but then I have to listen to her explaining what it is like for her friend E and how hard it is for E to get up in the morning. I assume she thinks my illness reflects badly on her mothering skills or something, but still...

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"Freedom for the pike is death for the minnow." R. H. Tawney (quoted by Isaiah Berlin)

"Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety." Benjamin Franklin

Posts: 1877 | From: England | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged
Chorister

Completely Frocked
# 473

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Probably a misguided (twisted?) form of pride, in that you are not allowed to be anything less than perfect, while nothing much can be expected of the offspring of others!

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Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.

Posts: 34509 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528

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You might also be getting a version of "everybody's better than you, the person I am talking to," which is what my own pet difficult relative does. If it's me on the phone, I get told how totally awesome my sister is, and how difficult she has life. If it's her on the phone, she gets it in reverse about me. And if we hadn't compared notes, we'd neither of us know she was singing two totally different tunes depending on the audience.

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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!

Posts: 19643 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged
Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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Ha! LC, me and Sis had that talk about a year ago.

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"Take your broken heart, make it into art"-- Carrie Fisher (1956-2016)

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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528

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Heheheheheheh. It makes you want to invest in a telephone recorder, so you can save the conversations and exchange them with one another.

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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!

Posts: 19643 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged
Leaf
Shipmate
# 14169

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This dynamic is so well-known that in online discussions about narcissists, there are codes for them: GC (Golden Child) and SG (Scape Goat).

An example from an ACoN (Adult Child of Narcissist) might run: "So my GC brother told my SG youngest sister..."

Posts: 2735 | From: the electrical field | Registered: Oct 2008  |  IP: Logged
Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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All of you must Netflix Pieces of April right this minute.

I would recommend August, Osage County but you'll either love it because it's just so real or want to hang yourself for the same reason.

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"Take your broken heart, make it into art"-- Carrie Fisher (1956-2016)

Posts: 35015 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
anoesis
Shipmate
# 14189

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quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
Heheheheheheh. It makes you want to invest in a telephone recorder, so you can save the conversations and exchange them with one another.

My sister and I discovered we were told different stories a couple of years ago. It has made us communicate more and better, on the whole, as we now regularly call one another and swap notes to try and build a picture of what's real and what's not.

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When you listen to Bruce's music you are [no longer] a loser. You are a character in an epic poem...about losers.
- Jon Stewart on Bruce Springsteen -

Posts: 890 | From: New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2008  |  IP: Logged



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