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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Difficult relatives
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tessaB
Shipmate
# 8533
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Posted
Aaaaaaaargh!
So mother and I were out for lunch (a weekly get together) and she starts coughing, then shakes and slumps to the side totally out of it. I leap to my feet, put my arm round her to stop her falling out of the chair and call for the manager to ring for an ambulance as I assume she is having a stroke. Within a few seconds she is back, wondering why I am now next to her and making a fool of myself. I speak to the 999 service and they run through a triage list, decide she doesn't need an ambulance but I should get a GP appointment for her asap. She is actually fine, the GP said it was a faint from the coughing and seemingly this is actually a thing.
Anyway, I am glad she is fine but I am spitting mad because of her reaction to it all. Firstly she didn't believe me that she had passed out. Seriously, she asked the manager of the restaurant if that is what really happened. Oh yeah, I make up stuff like that all the time, oh and actually I can teleport from the other side of the table with no time passing. Secondly she had to put me down to the doctor 'My daughter fusses so much, I don't even know if I did pass out.' Thirdly I am told not to tell my sisters what happened so they wouldn't worry (they both live out of the country). I don't tell them and then find out that she told them anyway. Fourthly she didn't bloody well believe her own daughter and had to check with a complete stranger whether or not I was lying!
Seriously, I am so fucking tired of this shit!
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tessaB
eating chocolate to the glory of God
Holiday cottage near Rye
Posts: 1068 | From: U.K. | Registered: Sep 2004
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
I suspect she's trying to convince herself that nothing happened because if it did, that is too scarey to think about.
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
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Posted
How old is your mother ?
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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
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tessaB
Shipmate
# 8533
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Posted
She's 84, but as she tells me on a weekly basis 'Oh nobody can believe that I'm that old! I must look so much younger!' Actually she doesn't look that old and is in remarkably good health.
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tessaB
eating chocolate to the glory of God
Holiday cottage near Rye
Posts: 1068 | From: U.K. | Registered: Sep 2004
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
Just a thought: How would she respond to you telling her that that you are glad it wasn't worse than a coughing faint, but that it wasn't kind of her to call you a liar?
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by tessaB:
She's 84, but as she tells me on a weekly basis 'Oh nobody can believe that I'm that old! I must look so much younger!' Actually she doesn't look that old and is in remarkably good health.
OK, well in this case I think you are being the difficult relative and massively over reacting. Chill. She was probably frightened and confused, fainting from oxygen deprivation will do that.
She may have later felt calmer about it and decided to tell your siblings after all - it doesn't have to mean she's trying to get one over on you.
(And don't all elderly relatives always tell you you are fussing over nothing, I thought that was some kind of natural law ?)
[ 02. August 2016, 21:53: Message edited by: Doublethink. ]
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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
{{{{{{{tessa}}}}}}}
I don't know your mother, and the situation might be all that Doublethink says. One of the problems with have a difficult relative is that other people don't have the full context, they don't have the subtext. So when a DR uses a certain tone of voice, a certain posture, that always signals a problem, other people may think you're over-interpreting, or making stuff up. And people who *do* understand may not say anything to you about it, for *years*.
ISTM that your mother *might* be someone who likes/needs to be in control, possibly due to fear. So she denies her age, denies her health problems, and possibly plays manipulation games with you and your siblings. And maybe she's angry that you saw her imperfection, when she passed out.
You don't have to answer this; but was she like this when she was younger? And is your relationship with your siblings such that you can compare notes? Might be useful for you.
YMMV. Good luck!
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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Beenster
Shipmate
# 242
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Ethne Alba:
Easy question:
Do i open discussion with Difficult Relative?
Or do i let sleeping dogs lie.....
To me, that is the impossible question. I opt for the path of least resistance 99% of the time but I'm beaten down to a place of fear, but at the same time, I work on making myself happier.
There are things that are within my gift to change and things I have no control over. There are things I feel comfortable doing and things that I don't.
Posts: 1885 | Registered: May 2001
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tessaB
Shipmate
# 8533
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Posted
Thank you GK, you have made my rather selfish sounding rant much better. Yes of course there is a history of manipulation and control that would take pages to go into. And yes I do know that she is probably frightened and feeling a bit foolish but you know sometimes a rant on here means that I can see her again with a smile on my face and a kind word in my mouth.
I try to obey that commandment about honouring mothers and fathers and the odd blurt in a safe space helps with that.
Thank you for providing that space,
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tessaB
eating chocolate to the glory of God
Holiday cottage near Rye
Posts: 1068 | From: U.K. | Registered: Sep 2004
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
Tessa, I always believed that Commandment should read, "Humour, your father and your mother".
Huia
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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Ethne Alba
Shipmate
# 5804
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Posted
Tubbs and Beenster....Thanks for the reality check!
Upon sober reflection, there is a chat time planned for mid August. EVERYthing can wait until then!
Posts: 3126 | Registered: Apr 2004
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
Ethne Alba--
If I may suggest: please set up some safeties for yourself. E.g., someone to talk to before and after; a list of comforting/balancing things you can do for yourself (and if you get to the bottom of the list and are still suffering, go back to the top of the list); if you have a therapist, consult them; if you can, try to detach yourself ahead of time from any expectations about results--just say what you have to say, and don't expect her to give you what you want; give yourself permission to leave at any time; and do something nice for yourself afterwards.
Good luck! ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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Jemima the 9th
Shipmate
# 15106
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Posted
Oh just fucking rah.
The hypochondria and associated manipulation are up to 11. Honestly, it's the world's first contagious case of MND.
So help me Lord Jesus, I'm going to break something if this carries on much longer. Or develop a drink habit.
[Honestly, went out for an emergency walk and very nearly went into the pub and ordered whisky. Just because it's a massive cliche that I've always wanted to fulfil.]
Posts: 801 | From: UK | Registered: Sep 2009
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker. If it helps, do it -- once, maybe twice. (Do not net into the habit.)
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
I planned to take to strong drink - so I put two teabags in my cup. ![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
Huia
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
LOL, Huia. Plus a large package of cookies/biscuits? And some heavy-duty dark chocolate.
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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Bene Gesserit
Shipmate
# 14718
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Posted
AAAAAAAAARGH! ![[Mad]](angryfire.gif)
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Sancta Maria, Mater Dei, ora pro nobis peccatoribus
Posts: 405 | From: Flatlands of the East | Registered: Apr 2009
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
![[Eek!]](eek.gif) ???
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
Sometimes you just gotta.
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Ethne Alba
Shipmate
# 5804
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Posted
Planned chat didn't materialise, maybe i just don't fancy poking a wasp's nest....
Posts: 3126 | Registered: Apr 2004
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Tubbs
Miss Congeniality
# 440
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Ethne Alba:
Planned chat didn't materialise, maybe i just don't fancy poking a wasp's nest....
Sometimes it's best to leave things well alone. Acknowledging the fight isn't worth the candle isn't always cowardice, it can be basic self perseveration!
Received wisdom within the family is that Rev T and I can pretty much cope with whatever life throws at us by ourselves. (Other members of the family are more vulnerable and need all the help).
The lowest point of that belief so far was when, shortly after my mum died, a relative told me that although it must have been terrible, I was over it now and patted me lovingly on the head.
The fallout from giving them a well deserved gob-full just wasn't worth it. And I'm too old for petty revenges such as making them terrible tea.
Tubbs
[ 14. September 2016, 14:01: Message edited by: Tubbs ]
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"It's better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than open it up and remove all doubt" - Dennis Thatcher. My blog. Decide for yourself which I am
Posts: 12701 | From: Someplace strange | Registered: Jun 2001
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Carex
Shipmate
# 9643
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Posted
My wife hasn't been particularly close to her mother, who lived alone in her 90's, but since my stepfather died a couple years ago my wife wanted to make sure there were plans in place for who would care for her or settle her estate if/when it were needed. Mother refused to discuss it at all. Knowing that Mother's husband and son had both passed away recently, my wife was quite aware that she might be the responsible as next-of-kin (and we live thousands of km away on the opposite side of the continent). Somewhere in the conversation there was a stray comment about grandson who lived nearby.
This year when my wife called on Mother's Day she got a recording that the phone had been disconnected. How to find out what happened, when we have no contact information for anyone else in that side of the family? Letters to the address of record got no reply.
By searching the County records via internet (made less easy by a number of misspellings of names) we discovered that, a month or after their last conversation, the grandson filed for guardian status. Well, we think that was what it was, but we couldn't see the document itself, only the note that it had been recorded by the County. Then, with more guessing of names, we discovered an entry from early this summer where the grandson was filing as executor of her estate.
So it seems likely that she had some sort of medical problem a year ago, and passed away earlier this year. We've received no confirmation from either the Grandson or the lawyer representing the estate (who at least has an address listed for his law practice.) And it is quite possible that, given the lack of communications, that the grandson is unaware that my wife is related, or have any idea how to contact her (since she changed her name years ago in the pre-internet days.)
My wife is angry and frustrated at the lack of communications on the part of her mother, of course, but at least the last discoveries make it fairly certain that she has passed away, so she is letting go and moving on. It never was a particularly close relationship: she grew up with a step-mother from a fairly early age. But it is particularly frustrating when people refuse to discuss practical matters - like who will care for them - and just leave it to chance that it will somehow work out.
Posts: 1425 | Registered: Jun 2005
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
Thank you for the reminder Carex. I am going back up to Wellington on Monday and I need to have a conversation about those end of life things with my youngest brother so that everything is clear and I don't become the difficult relation.
Growing up with 3 brothers and cousins that we saw at least once a fortnight I never thought that there would only be one relation I could ask to inter my ashes.
He'd better outlive me!
Huia
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Dead right, Huia!
Those famed extended families can shrink to one or two very, very quickly. It happened to ours.
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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anoesis
Shipmate
# 14189
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Posted
I, apparently, have an 8 year old with PMS! That's really what it's reading like. Goes absolutely apeshit with her brother for getting into the car using 'her' door, then when we get home, eyeballs me with murderous hatred until I ask what's wrong, whereupon I am asked 'Why do you always put crackers in my lunchbox? You know I hate crackers! Why do you even buy crackers? I hate them!' When I say, maybe try not to focus on the negative things in your day, and take note of the positive things, I get, 'How can I notice the positive things? There would need to be some positive things, wouldn't there?', followed by a door-slamming and a flounce.
What is this kid going to be like at 14?
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The history of humanity give one little hope that strength left to its own devices won't be abused. Indeed, it gives one little ground to think that strength would continue to exist if it were not abused. -- Dafyd --
Posts: 993 | From: New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2008
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North East Quine
Curious beastie
# 13049
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Posted
My daughter used to object to her brother looking through "her" car window. We'd be driving along and all it would take to set her off would be her brother saying softly "cows" or "pillar box". She'd realise that the cows or pillar box or whatever were on her side and he'd seen them through "her" window and all hell would break loose in the back seat. Five minutes after she'd calmed down he'd say, very quietly, "sheep" or "man on bike" and off she'd go again.
There is hope: ours turned into a delightful teenager.
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
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Gee D
Shipmate
# 13815
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Posted
Family and friends all say that were were lucky in our one child to have a boy, so much less of this sort of trouble at pubescence.
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Not every Anglican in Sydney is Sydney Anglican
Posts: 7028 | From: Warrawee NSW Australia | Registered: Jun 2008
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Moo
Ship's tough old bird
# 107
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by North East Quine:
My daughter used to object to her brother looking through "her" car window. We'd be driving along and all it would take to set her off would be her brother saying softly "cows" or "pillar box". She'd realise that the cows or pillar box or whatever were on her side and he'd seen them through "her" window and all hell would break loose in the back seat. Five minutes after she'd calmed down he'd say, very quietly, "sheep" or "man on bike" and off she'd go again.
When my daughters engaged in this kind of thing, I used to say, "When someone tries to drive you up a wall, don't go." It shut them up.
When they were much older they told me how much they hated having me say that. However, it was effective.
Quite often, kids enjoy their squabbles.
Moo
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Kerygmania host
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See you later, alligator.
Posts: 20365 | From: Alleghany Mountains of Virginia | Registered: May 2001
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
It is said that daughters are the most difficult in early teens (12-14), while sons get into trouble later (16-18). I do know that my difficult daughter was the most difficult in early teens. Mean as a basket of snakes! But now she is a major in the US Army, so all that will and temper is dedicated to the commonweal.
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
Aaaauuugghhh. Why is it that when we talk to a certain older relative, she discusses cute bears swimming with my husband and my son, and when it gets to my turn, she spends 30 minutes telling me...
I probably have only 20 percent kidney function left,
I have been looking at the world through a bloody film for six months and didn't mention it before,
I think the nonfatal but annoying genetic disease I share with you and your son is actually a highly deadly variant of the same (said with glee);
I know you have the same disease much more severely than I, but don't worry, because I at least seem to be doing fine;
and
By the way, your sister has only a short time left to live.
I hung up and contacted sister. Her cancer markers are better than they've ever been.
And the above-mentioned-relative wonders why I never call her.
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
{{{{{LC}}}}}
I'm sorry you're going through that. She sounds like a real piece of work.
Is it possible that the difference in conversation is because you're both female, and she thinks that means a different type of conversation? Not excusing her! Or she thinks that gives her license to be a b...adly-behaved person?
(BTW, if your husband and son *did* swim with cute bears, it would be worth commenting on! ![[Biased]](wink.gif) )
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Golden Key:
{{{{{LC}}}}}
I'm sorry you're going through that. She sounds like a real piece of work.
Is it possible that the difference in conversation is because you're both female, and she thinks that means a different type of conversation? Not excusing her! Or she thinks that gives her license to be a b...adly-behaved person?
(BTW, if your husband and son *did* swim with cute bears, it would be worth commenting on! )
I think the difference in conversation is that she knows she'd freak either of them right the hell out if she tried that shit, and they'd be on a plane within moments to see her--and then hustle her into the hospital willy-nilly regardless of her own wishes in the matter. And since neither has a shred of medical knowledge, she'd find herself in the ER for no damn reason, quite unable to say "I was just trying to get you upset but I don't really need to be here." Not that they'd believe that if she told them!
I do wonder if she's trying to see how much I love her in a twisted, perverted kind of way. The measure of my upset is the measure of how much I care. The trouble with that is I've been abused that way by people lifelong, and I won't let anyone yank my chain that way; and I have damn sharp research skills, and I know how to use Google. So I can usually shut down the terror train before it gets too far underway. Which annoys the shit out of her. But damn, if you want to know if I love you, don't do it by trying to scare the fuck out of me. That just makes me hate you a little bit more.
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Carex
Shipmate
# 9643
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Posted
An update:
On Friday my wife talked with her nephew who is handling her mother's estate. Said nephew hadn't known that my wife existed as a relative; my wife only knew about the nephew from legal records discovered online and a chance comment from her mother (and now found out he has a sister). The nephew commented that they had discovered a lot of things about his grandmother in the process of cleaning out her house after she died - a couple additional marriages, at least one other child, etc. She was just very private and never talked about it: there is still a lot that we will never know.
One other outcome is that my wife will attend her mother's interment in Arlington National Cemetery near Washington, DC next month, and a chance to meet the other part of the family in person.
But her mother sure didn't make it easy...
Posts: 1425 | Registered: Jun 2005
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
Wow, Carex. ![[Votive]](graemlins/votive.gif)
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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Eigon
Shipmate
# 4917
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Posted
I've just waved off my mum after a holiday with me. I love my mum - she's not the difficult relative. Unfortunately, this time she brought her partner with her.
I haven't seen him for over ten years, but back then, he was Mr Wandering Hands, and I suspected he hadn't changed much, so my strategy was to never be alone in the same room with him, and never to let him get closer to me than about six feet away. After all, they were only staying for a week, after which they were going off to see his relatives elsewhere.
Then he decided he didn't want to go to see his relatives, despite having paid for the hotel and train fares. They would stay with me for an extra week (in a B&B because I don't have a spare room). So they lost the money for the other hotel and had to pay an extra week where they were, which they can't really afford.
Towards the middle of the second week, he started making it clear that he didn't like me and mum talking together and going off together (he has bad feet so didn't want to walk anywhere).
We went for a meal at a local pub - first he didn't want anything to eat. Then he would have the pie, but with chips rather than the new potatoes it came with - then the chips were hard and he didn't eat them (there was nothing wrong with the chips - I ate them in the end)
The following morning, he saw an advert in the paper showing a tool he wanted for the garden. He wanted me to buy it for him and send it on. He wanted mum to leave the room (so she didn't know what he was ordering) and for me to sit beside him on the bed. Both of us said no. He complained bitterly that neither of us trusted him. We both said of course we didn't trust him, and it was his own fault we didn't trust him.
So he sulked for the next two days, and didn't speak to me - which was fine as far as I was concerned. I took mum out for meals and left him to sort himself out.
With any luck, he won't want to come with her next time she visits.
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Laugh hard. Run fast. Be kind.
Posts: 3710 | From: Hay-on-Wye, town of books | Registered: Aug 2003
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Sheesh, Eigon. Your halo must be visible from Mars.
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
(sigh) Volleys of emails between my siblings and myself, to organize my aunt to go from NY to SF to visit my mother. Now my mother has pulled the rug out from under the whole plan. No idea why. At least no airplane tickets have been bought, I hope. I attribute this to the mysterious squirreliness that afflicts people in my family every now and then. What is annoying is that I know that both my mother and my aunt will regret it.
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
heheheheh. We must be related--we have the squirreliness also. Nothing is settled until people are actually en route. Holiday locations and plans can and do shift, and the wise person believes nothing till it happens. In a couple of cases, my sister and I have said "Fuck it" and simply run with our own decisions, ignoring all orders/"suggestions" that we alter something yet again...
It gets us a rep for being hard-asses, I suppose, but it's the only way anything gets done. (and if the squirrelly people decide not to come after all, we can have a good time by ourselves)
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
Yes, I have taken to just slotting it into the squirrel cubbyhole and then keeping on my own way.
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
I now learn through the grapevine that it was not my mother, cancelling the meet-up, but my father. Apparently the two sisters (in their 90s) do want to meet (almost certainly their last on this earth) but my father does not want it to happen. As another relative points out, either my aunt visits my mother now, or she attends her funeral. ![[Ultra confused]](graemlins/confused2.gif)
Machinations continue. I have suggested a face-saver -- my aunt goes to CA to visit a cousin and my mother can just drop by. ("Oh look, fancy meeting you here!") My father can then be more or less cut out of a loop he doesn't want to be in anyway. This is precisely the level of nutbar that I do not want to get drawn into! But I confess that I have the Machiavellian mind that runs in the family too. I divert it into fiction where it is safe.
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
Not entirely clear, but he has a host of mental and physical issues. He too is in his 90s and is far more frail than my mother and aunt. Were it not for the cancer my mother would easily be good for another decade; we are long-lived women on that side of the family. My aunt, 96, is as chipper and intelligent as any. She weighs perhaps 80 pounds, and recently spit in the eye of her cardiologist when he suggested open heart surgery.
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
If I ever get to such an age I want to be like her. I'm practising - just in case.
Huia
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
He said, "It'll be so much better for you! Only anesthesia and cracking open your chest cage, and six months of rehab after!" And she told him no.
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
Sorry, but a person of either sex, of any age, spitting in anyone's eye is just not acceptable.
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
Yes, Miss Amanda. ![[Angel]](graemlins/angel.gif)
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
...though when a frail 96-year-old is faced with a doctor who (enthusiastically?) wants her to have major surgery that likely will either kill her, or put her in such pain that she'll wish she was dead, a strong reaction is understandable--and, perhaps, wise.
Spitting on his jacket might have been better!
Methinks the doc flunked common sense and bedside manner. Is he just out of residency??
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
Not being there, I don't know if she actually spit on him. But she vehemently refused the surgery, feeling (correctly, I believe) that it was unable to improve her quality of life. General anesthesia at that age is perilous; many of the old-old never completely recover from it. He is some famous cardiologist in NYCity, and every now and then he phones her and urges her to have surgery before she dies. It's been a couple years now.
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
I agree that past a certain age, remedial medicine isn't worth it.
My father, who died in July at age 96, refused a certain expensive injection-only medication that might have improved his osteoporosis, even though the doctor tried hard to push it on him. As my sister, who is a nurse practitioner, put it: If he falls and breaks his hip, he's done for. If he falls and breaks his hip while on the medication, he's also done for.
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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