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Source: (consider it) Thread: Difficult relatives
Lothlorien
Ship's Grandma
# 4927

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Penny your house, your rules. Allow time for a perusal and then pout them on recycle. By that time there may be more, if anything like down here. Otherwise, you will be over run with them.

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Buy a bale. Help our Aussie rural communities and farmers. Another great cause needing support The High Country Patrol.

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Tubbs

Miss Congeniality
# 440

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quote:
Originally posted by Lothlorien:
Penny your house, your rules. Allow time for a perusal and then pout them on recycle. By that time there may be more, if anything like down here. Otherwise, you will be over run with them.

Unless you're willing for your house to be turned into their house, then you're going to have to set some ground rules. Like free newspapers go into recycling after a few days rather than being left to breed.

Tubbs

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"It's better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than open it up and remove all doubt" - Dennis Thatcher. My blog. Decide for yourself which I am

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The Phantom Flan Flinger
Shipmate
# 8891

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Of course, a reasonable time for perusal of some free newspapers can be measured in seconds, not minutes.

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http://www.faith-hope-and-confusion.com/

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Helen-Eva
Shipmate
# 15025

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quote:
Originally posted by Tubbs:
quote:
Originally posted by Lothlorien:
Penny your house, your rules. Allow time for a perusal and then pout them on recycle. By that time there may be more, if anything like down here. Otherwise, you will be over run with them.

Unless you're willing for your house to be turned into their house, then you're going to have to set some ground rules. Like free newspapers go into recycling after a few days rather than being left to breed.

Tubbs

You need to get a rabbit. Then you can use the newspapers to line the cage and no-one can mind because otherwise the rabbit's cage will stink.

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I thought the radio 3 announcer said "Weber" but it turned out to be Webern. Story of my life.

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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768

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If I see it, and it isn't in a bag or private container, and it isn't today's, it goes in recycling at once.

Things are getting worse, though.

"I don't want other people making decisions for me, I want my own life back." Pause. "I need another cup of tea. I can't use the phone. Do you have cheese for my spaghetti?"

And the row about her gas cooker rather than electricity, which is more dangerous because she once nearly electrocuted herself. Her son sprang her from the hospital on the promise that she would not want the gas back. And now that is another decision she is not allowed to make for herself. And her son is saying he will not have anything to do with anything any more, and leave if she insists.

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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768

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I'm now listening to a perfectly reasonable conversation between her and a friend on my phone. You wouldn't believe the contrast.
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768

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Last night we had a major row, in which she said that her kitchen was no worse than mine (which does not have layers of soil on the floor), and that she regularly cleaned her bathroom (out of which we moved about eight bags of dreck over the last few days, and which I have now told her was filthy.) She is insisting on going home, which is, as far as I can tell this morning, what is going to happen. I am going to have to apologise to the neighbours.
Will I get my house back to normal? Haven't the faintest idea.
She is a nasty, self-centred old cow, who uses her belief that she has a right to make all the choices in her life, regardless of other people's rights, to ruin other people's lives. Here she has even refused to look at the bedroom I prepared for her, and insisted on occupying my living room again. And insulted my housekeeping by comparing it with her uninhabitable mess.
God help her son.

[ 13. April 2017, 06:53: Message edited by: Penny S ]

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Lothlorien
Ship's Grandma
# 4927

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Let her go, Penny. I think your friend has been too nice and there comes a time when action has to be taken. Earlier is better and now he finds himself between a rock and a hard place. At the worst, she may require some sort of emergency accommodation after she has moved back. At the best, you get your life back. She is just controlling in places where it is not her place to control.

I do write from downunder and do not know how things work exactly but you have done your bit, she has guilted you into that and is now trying to overpower you in your own home. For you sake and your health she must go.

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Buy a bale. Help our Aussie rural communities and farmers. Another great cause needing support The High Country Patrol.

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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271

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It's tough but as Lothlorien says you've done all you can. Tell social services that you can no longer support her and let them sort it out.

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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.

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Moo

Ship's tough old bird
# 107

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quote:
Originally posted by Sarasa:
It's tough but as Lothlorien says you've done all you can. Tell social services that you can no longer support her and let them sort it out.

Point out that you have no legal responsibility for her. Everything you have done has been done out of pure kindness, but you have reached the limit of what you can take.

Moo

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Kerygmania host
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See you later, alligator.

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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061

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I agree. You have gone the extra mile and then some. Let it go.

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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page

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Lyda*Rose

Ship's broken porthole
# 4544

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quote:
Originally posted by Lothlorien:
Let her go, Penny. I think your friend has been too nice and there comes a time when action has to be taken. Earlier is better and now he finds himself between a rock and a hard place. At the worst, she may require some sort of emergency accommodation after she has moved back. At the best, you get your life back. She is just controlling in places where it is not her place to control.

I do write from downunder and do not know how things work exactly but you have done your bit, she has guilted you into that and is now trying to overpower you in your own home. For you sake and your health she must go.

This is what I meant weeks ago by saying you and your friend being "nice" people. Nothing wrong with nice, but it just isn't making the situation better for anyone including Mom, and now you are heading for a minor break-down. Keep being a soft place for your friend to come to for talk, but it's better for you to be an emotionally together friend, than a fellow patient in Ward D. IMHO.

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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano

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Twilight

Puddleglum's sister
# 2832

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I know I've reached my breaking point with her and I just read about her on the internet.
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768

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Self denying ordinance in place.
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Twilight

Puddleglum's sister
# 2832

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[whispering] Has she left yet?
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mark_in_manchester

not waving, but...
# 15978

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I read that as 'ordnance'...

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"We are punished by our sins, not for them" - Elbert Hubbard
(so good, I wanted to see it after my posts and not only after those of shipmate JBohn from whom I stole it)

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Pigwidgeon

Ship's Owl
# 10192

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quote:
Originally posted by mark_in_manchester:
I read that as 'ordnance'...

[Big Grin]

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Don't keep calm. Go change the world.

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Amanda B. Reckondwythe

Dressed for Church
# 5521

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My niece and nephew (my sister's adult children, both pushing middle age) have decided that there's something about their old Aunt Amanda they don't like and so have decided to shun her.

Now, I'll admit that I am eccentric and can be quite difficult myself. But so far as I am concerned, this is their problem, not mine. I know blood's thicker than water and all that, but I can't make everybody like me, even my own relatives. I'm content to leave them be the way they are . . .

. . . But still it does upset me a little, especially on the holidays.

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"Stop your noisy songs; I do not want to listen to your praise bands." -- Amos 5:23, Good News Bible (modified)

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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468

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Miss Amanda--

Bad grown-up kids. BAD. BAD!!! No cake.

And we like you, Miss Amanda. [Smile]

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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")

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Twilight

Puddleglum's sister
# 2832

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quote:
Originally posted by Golden Key:

And we like you, Miss Amanda. [Smile]

Yes, we do like Miss Amanda and as of right now we don't like those adult brats.

Who does that to family members? It usually takes a whole lot of specific Great Wrongs before a family member is cut off. I'm sending bad vibes their way right now.

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Amanda B. Reckondwythe

Dressed for Church
# 5521

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Thank you. Miss Amanda loves you all too. [Axe murder]

They're not really bad kids. They had some issues with their upbringing, but on balance they were brought up well. They are both parents now themselves and are doing well with parenting. They had to deal with the death of their older brother three years ago (suicide -- he had major, major issues!).

Thing is, I understand what their beef is with me, and in a way they are right -- but that is not going to make me change my ways. They either accept me for who I am or to h*** with them.

I should add -- my sister and I are on very good terms and she understands how I feel.

[ 20. April 2017, 01:17: Message edited by: Amanda B. Reckondwythe ]

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"Stop your noisy songs; I do not want to listen to your praise bands." -- Amos 5:23, Good News Bible (modified)

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RooK

1 of 6
# 1852

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quote:
Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
My niece and nephew (my sister's adult children, both pushing middle age) have decided that there's something about their old Aunt Amanda they don't like and so have decided to shun her.

Ah, the fine small-minded tradition of thinking that ignoring something makes it magically disappear. I suspect that they tried ignoring that certain something about Auntie Amanda specifically, and since that didn't work had to up the ante.

I urge you to not let it work. Send them lovely and thoughtful connections regularly. Let the simple untrammeled affection cook their feeble minds, even if it probably won't melt their hearts. Let them writhe with the effort of reconciling their demonizing simplistic prejudices against the self-evident loveliness that we know Miss Amanda to be.

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Doc Tor
Deepest Red
# 9748

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I always find an unasked-for basket of kittens to be an excellently generous gift for almost every occasion...

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Forward the New Republic

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Amanda B. Reckondwythe

Dressed for Church
# 5521

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They're both dog people -- in the case of my nephew, a rather vicious one. A basket of kittens would be treated as a bedtime snack.

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"Stop your noisy songs; I do not want to listen to your praise bands." -- Amos 5:23, Good News Bible (modified)

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Doc Tor
Deepest Red
# 9748

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Well, I hate them already.

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Forward the New Republic

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rolyn
Shipmate
# 16840

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quote:
Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
A basket of kittens would be treated as a bedtime snack.

[Big Grin]

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Change is the only certainty of existence

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Helen-Eva
Shipmate
# 15025

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quote:
Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
They're both dog people -- in the case of my nephew, a rather vicious one. A basket of kittens would be treated as a bedtime snack.

How about laxatives in non-dog-proof packaging?

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I thought the radio 3 announcer said "Weber" but it turned out to be Webern. Story of my life.

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Amanda B. Reckondwythe

Dressed for Church
# 5521

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A box of, erm, fortified Milk Bone with the words "of magnesia" added in small print after Milk.

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"Stop your noisy songs; I do not want to listen to your praise bands." -- Amos 5:23, Good News Bible (modified)

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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468

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Put them on the mailing list for a cat-fanciers' site? Donate in their name to a cat-rescue group? Send Chinese lion-dancers to their doors?

--------------------
Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")

Posts: 18177 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
cliffdweller
Shipmate
# 13338

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One might lavishly gift Difficult Relatives With Kids regular quantities of toy drums, flutophones, whistles, and electronic playthings that make loud, repetitive squeeking and squawking noises.

[ 20. April 2017, 23:32: Message edited by: cliffdweller ]

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"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid." -Frederick Buechner

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MaryLouise
Shipmate
# 18697

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You might consider birthday and Christmas gifts of judiciously chosen self-help literature. This shifts the emphasis from what THEY think of Aunt Amanda to "What the hell does Aunt Amanda think we're doing?", "What did you say to make Aunt Amanda think...?". One or two books each year should remind them we can all do with a little self-improvement in overlooked areas.

Suggestions (I Googled and these all exist):

1 How to Get your Husband to Talk to You

2 Tony Robbins' Awaken the Giant Within

3 How to Help a Narcissist Heal

4 Knitting with Dog Hair: Better hair from a dog you love than wool from a strange sheep

5 It's a Jungle Out There, Jane: Understanding the Male Animal in Your Life

6 Self-Help for the Bleak

7 Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them: When Loving Hurts And You Don't Know Why

And a personal favourite to create that marital talking point

8 Harold Litten’s More Joy: An Advanced Guide to Solo Sex

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“As regards plots I find real life no help at all. Real life seems to have no plots.”

-- Ivy Compton-Burnett

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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528

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[Killing me]

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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!

Posts: 19997 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged
North East Quine

Curious beastie
# 13049

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Is this the nephew that was previously unhappy with you because you told him he was getting fat?
Posts: 6379 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged
Amanda B. Reckondwythe

Dressed for Church
# 5521

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Yes, but the issue is more complex than that.

And he **is** fat.

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"Stop your noisy songs; I do not want to listen to your praise bands." -- Amos 5:23, Good News Bible (modified)

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Doc Tor
Deepest Red
# 9748

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It'll be all those kittens he ate. Bastard.

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Forward the New Republic

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Anselmina
Ship's barmaid
# 3032

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Of course, it has to be RooK who comes up with the most Christianly response to Miss Amanda's disapproving relatives; 'for in doing so, you heap coals of fire on his head'. Which, in retrospect, doesn't sound that Christianly?!

I thought it was an Auntie's job to be eccentric and not altogether a completely tame sort of relative? They don't know the treasure they have in Miss Amanda.

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Irish dogs needing homes! http://www.dogactionwelfaregroup.ie/ Greyhounds and Lurchers are shipped over to England for rehoming too!

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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Ok, honor dictates that I relate the following:

I am being treated for anxiety related to PTSD.

As a result of this, I am a lot harder to provoke.

As a result... um... Mom and I are kinda getting along. My nervous system was her favorite toy, and I took it away from her. Once I began acting less like a prey animal and more like a human being, I guess she found me easier to understand.

Stay tuned, of course. 😏

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"Take your broken heart, make it into art"-- Carrie Fisher (1956-2016)

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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473

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quote:
Originally posted by Anselmina:

I thought it was an Auntie's job to be eccentric and not altogether a completely tame sort of relative?

Hell yes. I only have one nephew and I do my best to live up to this part of my job description. He's my favourite relative.

Huia

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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.

Posts: 10169 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
RooK

1 of 6
# 1852

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quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
I am being treated for anxiety related to PTSD.

That's excellent to hear. The treatment part, and how it sounds effective. Not the PTSD part, that sounds deeply shitty.

quote:
As a result of this, I am a lot harder to provoke.

That reads like a dare.

quote:
Once I began acting less like a prey animal and more like a human being, I guess she found me easier to understand.

That makes sense. I wonder how much of our individual difficulties relating with other people is based not just on our feelings of not being understood, but on how we also fail to comprehend other people's mechanisms for misunderstanding us.
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528

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It is HARD to stop acting like a prey animal. I have to catch myself every fucking day in my new job among normal people.

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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!

Posts: 19997 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged
mark_in_manchester

not waving, but...
# 15978

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quote:
I wonder how much of our individual difficulties relating with other people is based not just on our feelings of not being understood, but on how we also fail to comprehend other people's mechanisms for misunderstanding us.
I find myself moving back into relationship with a closely-related DR who was unable to speak with / be in the same house as me for a few years. We're probably quite a long way through a (short) period of 'hey, isn't it nice to be polite to one another and interact' and not too far off some 'hmm, I remember why you really piss me off'.

I'll try to bear the above in mind - it rings true. In particular, ISTM that 'being in relationship' can itself form a potent part of the mechanism of misunderstanding.

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"We are punished by our sins, not for them" - Elbert Hubbard
(so good, I wanted to see it after my posts and not only after those of shipmate JBohn from whom I stole it)

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Palimpsest
Shipmate
# 16772

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quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Ok, honor dictates that I relate the following:

I am being treated for anxiety related to PTSD.

As a result of this, I am a lot harder to provoke.

As a result... um... Mom and I are kinda getting along. My nervous system was her favorite toy, and I took it away from her. Once I began acting less like a prey animal and more like a human being, I guess she found me easier to understand.

Stay tuned, of course. 😏

For some reason I am reminded of
Prozac Shrimp

Posts: 2984 | From: Seattle WA. US | Registered: Nov 2011  |  IP: Logged
Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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Well, aren't you a ray of damn sunshine.

Also, RooK-- bring it, d-bag. [Big Grin]

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"Take your broken heart, make it into art"-- Carrie Fisher (1956-2016)

Posts: 35057 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468

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{Prepares to bet on Kelly.} [Smile]

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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")

Posts: 18177 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
Wesley J

Silly Shipmate
# 6075

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Ok, this is about my 'aquaintance', W, who I asked prayers for a while ago.

I did go and visit him in hospital, and guess will do so again, although reluctantly.

We've known each other for donkey's years - however, when I got to know him, I was at a low stage in my life, and have since worked my way up, and things seem to be working out for me rather well. With him, the opposite: he was, perhaps 10 or 15 years my senior, sort of a role model in parts, and I think I did learn a few things from him.

Now, he is a trained actor, has had some minor roles on TV and on stage, but never got that big breakthrough he was hoping for. He's been very irritable and narcissistic, and has become increasingly so over the years. He never 'left home' and still lives in his parents' old farmhouse in the village he grew up. The loss of his father and especially his mother, again quite a few years ago, left him emotionally very fragile, and he got psychological help and treatment for an extendend period of time. This even resulted in him getting disability benefit due to his huge panic attacks, where he could barely leave his house.

There were moments when he called me and we talked on the phone, with me, younger than him and back then pretty miserable myself, supposed to advise him or lift his spirits or just tend to his ego - I was never quite sure. He sometimes used to call me daily for me to reassure him about this or that, and even called late at night, occasionally several times, again asking me to tell him he was safe, and that everything was ok. It was then when I severed ties with him, and said that I was not his therapist, and that I was willing to talk to him once a week, like, for half an hour, but that this was all I could invest, and that he needed to get help.

The only contact we had for the past 5 or so years then was me sending him a Christmas card, and him awkwardly ringing me a few days later, leaving a message on my answerphone, thanking me for the card.

So, when I got his call with that wobbly, breaking, weak voice, and he said he was in hospital now, had a pulmonary edema, that he could not speak well (yeah, I could hear that! But then, he's an actor...!), and if I could please please come and visit him in hospital... - a few days later I did go and visit him.

This is when he said that in the meantime he'd been diagnosed with lung cancer. In fact, he did look like death warmed up (but only a little!). His appearance was utterly skeletal, his skin leathery, especially with his skull shaved (which he likes to do once a week, he says). Paradoxically, he always wanted to be very slim and look very lean and angular - well, there you go, goal reached!

Unfortunately, still now, he seems to have some rather high demands on others: he said that he'd like to go to this or that museum, and see an art exhibition here and there. However, I don't own a car, and with just one person as support, this is unlikely to happen - he might collapse at any time. Also, when he wasn't happy with his dinner (which he could choose from a number of items!), he rang the nurse - before I could stop him - to complain about the food, and asked her to take it away, and some other stuff as well. Needless to say, the nurse wasn't amused; as any fool know, they have their set time to collect the trays after meals, he isn't their only patient on the ward, and his ringing them was absolutely not an emergency! Grrrr!

He anyway barely eats anything now, and the hospital want him to eat by his own means (which they say he can), before inserting a feeding tube.

So, dear Shippies (if you've read that far), I'm in two minds about this. I must say there's some quiet voices of triumph in that my own path in life has gone exactly the opposite direction of his: for I was weak and he was (seemingly) strong, and now I am strong (through a helluva lot of work) and he is weak.


I think what he'd need to do is ground himself, go deep instead into the superficial. He could play like a fatherly role now to others, in being generous and listening and at peace with himself. But he's always been a very troubled and perhaps troublesome mind, insecure and often unbearably arrogant.

Any ideas on how to deal with this? I'm sick and tired of abuse, even now, but then I am sort of called to be merciful, but have got my own life to live.

Hm.

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Be it as it may: Wesley J will stay. --- Euthanasia, that sounds good. An alpine neutral neighbourhood. Then back to Britain, all dressed in wood. Things were gonna get worse. (John Cooper Clarke)

Posts: 7275 | From: The Isles of Silly | Registered: May 2004  |  IP: Logged
Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468

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{{{{{Wes}}}}} {{{{{Friend}}}}}

Thought: does the hospital have a social worker, chaplain, patient advocate, etc.? They may well be able to help your friend, or get him help. Maybe get into a support group. Sometimes, it's possible to arrange this for someone over the phone--which, BTW, is very handy for anyone trying to help someone from a distance. You might give whoever you talk to just a thumbnail version of your friend's past and current mental state. That way, they can be prepared; and, if when they visit him, he seems ok, they have more of the story.

Good luck!

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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")

Posts: 18177 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
mark_in_manchester

not waving, but...
# 15978

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Hard, innit, Wesley J. Lives can go down as well as up. I think you're wise to take a firm view of what you can handle (and sticking to it - 'so yes, I'm a selfish twat for only wanting to come in every x or y - now am I coming, or would you rather not?') - but that is more likely to take your friendship in the direction of real communication, where you can do some good. It can protect you to the point where you don't actually need to run away, as many people would. Or they might cut you off, in which case you were (for the moment) wasting your time anyway.

I wish I could give myself gratuitous advice like I give to others.

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"We are punished by our sins, not for them" - Elbert Hubbard
(so good, I wanted to see it after my posts and not only after those of shipmate JBohn from whom I stole it)

Posts: 1548 | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged
sabine
Shipmate
# 3861

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quote:
Originally posted by Wesley J:

Any ideas on how to deal with this? I'm sick and tired of abuse, even now, but then I am sort of called to be merciful, but have got my own life to live.

I was faced with this issue with my parents, and quite frankly, I didn't always live up to my ideals or the ideals that others wanted me to live up to. In the end (and it was within month of the end for each parent) I decided that the narrative of our past together did not outweigh their need to be comfortable in their last days. They were dying, and I would live on. I had a lot to let go of, and my private time was often filled with bad feelings. It was difficult, and I'm no saint. Caring for someone at the end of life is a calling that requires the help of the Holy Spirit, I'm convinced. Now that they are gone, I am glad that there was a bit of play acting on my part.

I hear and understand your feelings about this. I hope you find a way to be present to W without too much damage to your own peace of mind.

ETA: The play acting actually managed to take some of the pressure off. I could step outside of the story of our relationships and the feelings of being used. It was odd to notice this at first, but I'm glad it worked that way.

sabine

[ 28. July 2017, 14:57: Message edited by: sabine ]

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"Hunger looks like the man that hunger is killing." Eduardo Galeano

Posts: 5867 | From: the US Heartland | Registered: Dec 2002  |  IP: Logged
Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768

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I found that play acting thing worked, ages back, in a difficult friendship situation, in helping to keep things working well when a third party got involved. It surprised me.
Posts: 5778 | Registered: May 2009  |  IP: Logged
Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528

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Fake it till you make it stuff...

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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!

Posts: 19997 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004  |  IP: Logged



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