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Source: (consider it) Thread: Difficult relatives
Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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quote:
Originally posted by Ariston:
quote:
Originally posted by cliffdweller:
My own kids have permission to slap me hard if they catch me pulling that one.

After one particularly memorable conversation with my grandmother, my parents told me to look at a map of Canada and pick an ice floe for 'em. I don't think they were fooled by my claiming the Chambly Canal totally counts.
I speak as a henpecked daughter-- when you actually get to the point when you hear something that brilliant coming out if your mouth, it is almost worth all the bullshit. In other words-- [Overused] to your folks.

My dad once demanded that I call myself the stupidest person he ever saw, and I heard myself correct his grammar.
[Snigger]

My memory of what happened next is a bit...grey. But my memory of that story only makes me love my punk self. I was about 8. I was a badass kid. [Big Grin]

[ 02. February 2014, 23:23: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]

--------------------
I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

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Ariston
Insane Unicorn
# 10894

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Eh, I wouldn't say I was being a brilliant henpecked son, so much as trying to figure out what the nicest ice floe in Canada would be. I may be abandoning my elders to their fate, but, given that there's a brewery in town and Montreal a few miles away, I don't think they'd mind.

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“Therefore, let it be explained that nowhere are the proprieties quite so strictly enforced as in men’s colleges that invite young women guests, especially over-night visitors in the fraternity houses.” Emily Post, 1937.

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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I was actually talking about your folks--they were the brilliant ones in that particular story. They went through the effort to pull out a map? [Killing me]

--------------------
I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

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Evensong
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# 14696

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quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
quote:
Originally posted by Evensong:

I think you're conflating NEQ's mum with the french lover's mum ( or was it the Spanish Dictator's mum? - I had to repeat that. No one laughed the first time - you must have missed it.)

Possibly because we'd already had that one 3 pages ago.

Do try to pay attention.

OMG. I'M SLIPPING [Eek!]

--------------------
a theological scrapbook

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lilBuddha
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# 14333

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quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:

My dad once demanded that I call myself the stupidest person he ever saw, and I heard myself correct his grammar.
[Snigger]

A very sincere [Overused]

--------------------
I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:

My dad once demanded that I call myself the stupidest person he ever saw, and I heard myself correct his grammar.
[Snigger]

A very sincere [Overused]
I was thinking this over today. In one of my meetings they have you do visualizations to talk to your childhood self, and I asked myself, what if I could hop in a TARDIS and tell my eight-year-old self,"Seriously, think about what you are about to say, you will get the beating of your life, consider your words, for God's sake!"

And I got this really clear image of that little girl turning to me, smiling, and saying, "His grammar was atrocious. And he called me stupid."

So worth it. Wouldn't advise it, but so worth it.

--------------------
I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

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mdijon
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# 8520

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quote:
Originally posted by Evensong:
OMG. I'M SLIPPING [Eek!]

Consistently.

--------------------
mdijon nojidm uoɿıqɯ ɯqıɿou
ɯqıɿou uoɿıqɯ nojidm mdijon

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Barnabas62
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# 9110

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quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
No, no, Barnabas62! Let him appreciate being admired, It might help stimulate puberty. He may not mature any, but he mightn't type so much with one hand occupied.

There is that. I bows towards the "rounded sage" insight, if not 'xactly its Gautama personification. Perhaps I should have "refused to prefer"?

I hear the sound of one hand clapping. No, not that hand! The other one, silly.

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Who is it that you seek? How then shall we live? How shall we sing the Lord's song in a strange land?

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The Phantom Flan Flinger
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# 8891

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quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:

My dad once demanded that I call myself the stupidest person he ever saw, and I heard myself correct his grammar.
[Snigger]


Am I reading this right Kelly - your dad told you to insult yourself?

--------------------
http://www.faith-hope-and-confusion.com/

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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984

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quote:
Originally posted by The Phantom Flan Flinger:
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:

My dad once demanded that I call myself the stupidest person he ever saw, and I heard myself correct his grammar.
[Snigger]


Am I reading this right Kelly - your dad told you to insult yourself?
That's a stereotypical British Army thing it isn't - as in: "You're a useless little bleeder Private Smith, what are you ?" "A useless little bleeder, sir"

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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell

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The Phantom Flan Flinger
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Indeed it is Doublethink - mind you, it sounds like Kelly could have given the most gruff Sergeant Major a run for his money [Biased]

--------------------
http://www.faith-hope-and-confusion.com/

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quetzalcoatl
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# 16740

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quote:
Originally posted by A.Pilgrim:
quote:
Originally posted by Palimpsest:
quote:
Originally posted by Francophile:
I love and respect her and want to do as much as she needs and as much as I am capable of. Its called love.

It's a pity that offering what you call love to her creates so much resentment in you that you have to spew so much venom here.
I've just had an idea regarding Francophile...

One of the most profoundly revealing things I've ever read is the following: 'We hate the expression by others of that which is repressed within ourselves'. So why should Francophile hate all the posts in this thread which express the unpleasant and ambivalent feelings about difficult relatives - especially parents? Well, perhaps he or she has the same feelings buried within his/her own psyche, but is unable to acknowledge that they even exist, because to do so would disrupt the functioning of the relationship as it currently exists.

I might be right, I might be wrong. But another hint is that the response of someone who came from a truly happy family background to hearing about the unhappiness of others would be sadness, not irritation or hatred.

Angus

Another top post from you. Yes, to be so judgmental about negative stuff, is revealing something about oneself. The irony is that it is itself very negative!

It's quite amusing, but after all, let's face it, awfully fucking boring. If I want to have a good moan about my mother, and somebody doesn't like it, then fuck off and read something else.

--------------------
I can't talk to you today; I talked to two people yesterday.

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Penny S
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# 14768

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Cliffdweller wrote
quote:
Came in to hear the audiologist explain (not that mom could hear her) that the problem was not with the hearing aid or the quality of sound getting thru. It was that after years and years of not wearing the aids the neural synapses that would allow her brain to understand and interpret those sounds had atrophied.
Thank you. The audiologist told me something vaguely like this as she segued from assessment to selling, and I was not convinced. "Use it or lose it," she said, without explanation. Currently the only thing I'm not hearing is the angel chimes bell.
I know this isn't the place for thanks, but ...

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Amanda B. Reckondwythe

Dressed for Church
# 5521

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quote:
Originally posted by cliffdweller:
Came in to hear the audiologist explain (not that mom could hear her) that the problem was not with the hearing aid or the quality of sound getting thru. It was that after years and years of not wearing the aids the neural synapses that would allow her brain to understand and interpret those sounds had atrophied. And there's no going back.

I didn't know that. My father (94 in February) gave up on his hearing aids because they were giving him so much trouble. I should really be evaluated myself, but I've vowed not to do it because of my father's experience. In light of what you said about neural synapses atrophying, though, maybe I should reconsider.

--------------------
"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.

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Taliesin
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Yes,I was interested in this, too. Is it possible for them to atrophy in one ear only,I wonder?
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Penny S
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# 14768

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Actually. I've got a cheapo pair of earphones that look like I'm listening to a player or something. £9.99 shoould keep the atrophy at bay a bit. What puzzles me is how the synapses get to "hear" stuff when the hair cells have died.
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Chocoholic
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# 4655

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The hair cells are in rows and so some dying off affect your hearing but there are others in adjacent rows and also in the same row near by which can still detect the sound, generally the more you loose the worse your hearing.

Not very hellish, sorry.

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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quote:
Originally posted by Doublethink:
quote:
Originally posted by The Phantom Flan Flinger:
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:

My dad once demanded that I call myself the stupidest person he ever saw, and I heard myself correct his grammar.
[Snigger]


Am I reading this right Kelly - your dad told you to insult yourself?
That's a stereotypical British Army thing it isn't - as in: "You're a useless little bleeder Private Smith, what are you ?" "A useless little bleeder, sir"
Yep. My dad was a vet, obviously had a lot of PTSD going on. It wasn't till I saw Full Metal Jacket that it hit me that his after school ritual of standing us in front of him and grinding us down for battle(I guess) was textbook drill seargent. He even had us kind of standing at attention.

--------------------
I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

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Thyme
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# 12360

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quote:
Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
quote:
Originally posted by cliffdweller:
Came in to hear the audiologist explain (not that mom could hear her) that the problem was not with the hearing aid or the quality of sound getting thru. It was that after years and years of not wearing the aids the neural synapses that would allow her brain to understand and interpret those sounds had atrophied. And there's no going back.

I didn't know that. My father (94 in February) gave up on his hearing aids because they were giving him so much trouble. I should really be evaluated myself, but I've vowed not to do it because of my father's experience. In light of what you said about neural synapses atrophying, though, maybe I should reconsider.
I got two assessments by reputable firms when I finally decided I had to get help with my hearing. They both told me this, 'use it or lose it'. I suspect I have already lost some.

My husband got assessed not long afterwards and also got hearing aids which he does not wear.
[Disappointed] He swears he wasn't told this, even though he saw the same person I did!!

--------------------
The Church in its own bubble has become, at best the guardian of the value system of the nation’s grandparents, and at worst a den of religious anoraks defined by defensiveness, esoteric logic and discrimination. Bishop of Buckingham's blog

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cliffdweller
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# 13338

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quote:
Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
quote:
Originally posted by cliffdweller:
Came in to hear the audiologist explain (not that mom could hear her) that the problem was not with the hearing aid or the quality of sound getting thru. It was that after years and years of not wearing the aids the neural synapses that would allow her brain to understand and interpret those sounds had atrophied. And there's no going back.

I didn't know that. My father (94 in February) gave up on his hearing aids because they were giving him so much trouble. I should really be evaluated myself, but I've vowed not to do it because of my father's experience. In light of what you said about neural synapses atrophying, though, maybe I should reconsider.
Yes, honestly, if I could have a crusade about anything, this would be it.

Hearing aids can be very uncomfortable to wear, especially the cheap ones that don't do a good job of filtering out background noise. It can be hard to get used to having this thing stuck in your ear. I get that. That discomfort is why a lot of people, my mom including, resist wearing them or wear them "only when needed"-- i.e. when someone is trying to speak to them directly. But yes, if you wear hearing aids, you really should wear them 24/7, whenever you are not sleeping or in the shower, or you risk losing your ability to benefit from them forever.

The really hell-ish part of this is that, because hearing loss in the elderly tends to happen gradually (as it did for my mom) as opposed to all at once when you're younger (and more likely to learn sign language or some other form of communication) it's all too easy to discount to true cost of your deafness until it's too late. The relational cost is huge-- watching my kids grow up unable to communicate with their grandma, watching them try to tell her some little thing about their day then all of a sudden she's talking over them (because she didn't realize they were talking). Watching our own conversations whittle down to talking to her only about what I absolutely needed to tell her (because telling her anything at all became so very difficult) then realizing how much of a relationship is built on all those little conversations about nothing at all, but amount to sharing a life together.

On a more pragmatic note, it also very much affected her end-of-life care. The last few years of her life she had some physical health issues, but remained very sharp mentally. But when she was in assisted living or the hospital, I found her caregivers always assumed she was incompetent because of the deafness, and would treat her that way or ask me to make decisions that she wanted to make for herself.

Ah, thinking about it makes me sad all over again. Hellish. So, yeah, wear your hearing aids.

--------------------
"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid." -Frederick Buechner

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cliffdweller
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# 13338

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quote:
Originally posted by Taliesin:
Yes,I was interested in this, too. Is it possible for them to atrophy in one ear only,I wonder?

I don't know the answer to that-- although mom's hearing was worse in one ear than the other, she lost hearing in both. But it's a question I would strongly recommend asking an audiologist.

--------------------
"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid." -Frederick Buechner

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Thyme
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# 12360

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quote:
Originally posted by cliffdweller:
The really hell-ish part of this is that, because hearing loss in the elderly tends to happen gradually (as it did for my mom) as opposed to all at once when you're younger (and more likely to learn sign language or some other form of communication) it's all too easy to discount to true cost of your deafness until it's too late. The relational cost is huge-- watching my kids grow up unable to communicate with their grandma, watching them try to tell her some little thing about their day then all of a sudden she's talking over them (because she didn't realize they were talking). Watching our own conversations whittle down to talking to her only about what I absolutely needed to tell her (because telling her anything at all became so very difficult) then realizing how much of a relationship is built on all those little conversations about nothing at all, but amount to sharing a life together.

Ah, thinking about it makes me sad all over again. Hellish. So, yeah, wear your hearing aids.

Yes, we went through all that with my Mum. I lost her long before she died because she wouldn't admit she was deaf and I couldn't have a conversation with her. Her mental faculties were sharp as a pin to the end.

--------------------
The Church in its own bubble has become, at best the guardian of the value system of the nation’s grandparents, and at worst a den of religious anoraks defined by defensiveness, esoteric logic and discrimination. Bishop of Buckingham's blog

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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quote:
Originally posted by quetzalcoatl:
[

It's quite amusing, but after all, let's face it, awfully fucking boring. If I want to have a good moan about my mother, and somebody doesn't like it, then fuck off and read something else.

In another moment of cosmic irony, this just came on the cFe sound system. [Killing me]

--------------------
I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

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cliffdweller
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# 13338

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quote:
Originally posted by Thyme:
quote:
Originally posted by cliffdweller:
The really hell-ish part of this is that, because hearing loss in the elderly tends to happen gradually (as it did for my mom) as opposed to all at once when you're younger (and more likely to learn sign language or some other form of communication) it's all too easy to discount to true cost of your deafness until it's too late. The relational cost is huge-- watching my kids grow up unable to communicate with their grandma, watching them try to tell her some little thing about their day then all of a sudden she's talking over them (because she didn't realize they were talking). Watching our own conversations whittle down to talking to her only about what I absolutely needed to tell her (because telling her anything at all became so very difficult) then realizing how much of a relationship is built on all those little conversations about nothing at all, but amount to sharing a life together.

Ah, thinking about it makes me sad all over again. Hellish. So, yeah, wear your hearing aids.

Yes, we went through all that with my Mum. I lost her long before she died because she wouldn't admit she was deaf and I couldn't have a conversation with her. Her mental faculties were sharp as a pin to the end.
It's ironic, because if one of my kids had been born deaf, she was the kind of grandparent who would have wanted to learn sign language so she'd be able to communicate with her grandchild. But she allowed the same exact thing to happen without really realizing it until it was too late.

--------------------
"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid." -Frederick Buechner

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Amanda B. Reckondwythe

Dressed for Church
# 5521

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quote:
Originally posted by cliffdweller:
The last few years of her life she had some physical health issues, but remained very sharp mentally. But when she was in assisted living or the hospital, I found her caregivers always assumed she was incompetent because of the deafness, and would treat her that way or ask me to make decisions that she wanted to make for herself.

Interesting. I find that doctors assume that about my father because he is so physically feeble and frail, although mentally he is as sharp as he ever was (thank God).

--------------------
"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.

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cliffdweller
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# 13338

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quote:
Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
quote:
Originally posted by cliffdweller:
The last few years of her life she had some physical health issues, but remained very sharp mentally. But when she was in assisted living or the hospital, I found her caregivers always assumed she was incompetent because of the deafness, and would treat her that way or ask me to make decisions that she wanted to make for herself.

Interesting. I find that doctors assume that about my father because he is so physically feeble and frail, although mentally he is as sharp as he ever was (thank God).
grrrr... hellish, isn't it? Both doctors and nurses (who oughta know better) would ask me questions right in front of her as if she were an incompetent child. I would have to keep reminding them, "she will make that decision herself" (followed by, "here, write the question on her white board, it's much easier than trying to get her to hear you...")

--------------------
"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid." -Frederick Buechner

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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[Big Grin] An, erm, relative of mine does that to Mom. She (mom) seems to be hovering on the fence of "does that habit suggest caring or patronizing?"

I basically refuse to respond to an answer of a question I have asked Mom. I will just ask her again.

--------------------
I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

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Amanda B. Reckondwythe

Dressed for Church
# 5521

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quote:
Originally posted by cliffdweller:
Both doctors and nurses (who oughta know better) would ask me questions right in front of her as if she were an incompetent child. I would have to keep reminding them, "she will make that decision herself."

When that happens with my father, I turn to him and ask, "What do you think about that, Dad?"

--------------------
"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.

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Taliesin
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# 14017

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This thread has taught me things.

In an aside, Kelly, it wasn't military training that caused my mother to require the statement repeated back to her, no idea where it came from. Just a belt and braces you will not pretend to ignore me thing.

You did indeed rock. I was 16 before I answered back, saying quietly, 'please don't shout'. I got smacked in the face of course but interestingly my older siblings agreed it was a very rude thing to say to mum so it wasn't surprising she hit me.

Upthred, someone says kids aren't alarmed when their mothers threatened to kill them later, because they know it's just talk.
It made me wonder why I always believed in the terrible thrashing my mother promised I was getting on our return from church, because I always tried to be quiet but I usually failed, and at some point ma would hiss in total fury 'I'm going to
thrash you when we get home.' And I always believed it and couldn't believe my luck when it didn't happen. I wondered why til I realised, last week, that all other thrashing occurred immediately and without warning, but not even my mother was mad enough to beat her child in the middle of a sermon in a filled church.

And as I was driving down to see her last Thursday, thinking on this and thinking, that was some shit we all lived thru... And something shifted and i felt shit, and that is the beginning and end of something in our religion, this Christianity. I can feel shit (I'm rejecting the word sinful, by the way, it is totally anachronistic and turns people off faster than anything else and its time the church caught up) but it's ok, God knows, and loves me anyway. And it's ok. And if I ever want mum to acknowledge the hell she put us thru at times, it's so she can get rid of it... she knows really, but can't admit to it because she images it would be the whole thing in reverse. ( what were you? A horrible parent, sorry. Yes, a very horrible parent!) But it wouldn't at all, we could just have a cry together, and remember the good things, the clothes mended, the hot meals, the care when we were ill.

Because we all want to love our parents, they just sometimes make it difficult.

Posts: 2138 | From: South, UK | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged
lilBuddha
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# 14333

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quote:
Originally posted by Taliesin:

Because we all want to love our parents, they just sometimes make it difficult.

Well, there are some who are utterly, irredeemably shit. And some who are near perfect.
But most are somewhere between, yeah?
ISTM, the most difficult to come to terms with are those who do foul things sometimes. Because the good times make one hope it could always be this way.

--------------------
I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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I guess we are vets too, in a way. Respect, T.

I stopped wanting my mom to acknowledge what was going on in our house at some point-- not sure when, I just don't have that desire anymore. I just want to be able to talk about my own damn life. I just got sick of pretty much nobody I cared about knowing anything about who I was and what made me. She doesn't have to join in if she doesn't want to, I'm just done keeping my mouth shut. My life is my life.

One thing I do hope for-- and probably should let go, too-- is that someday I will have some sense that everything about me isn't a huge disappointment to her. That there is something about me she actually finds likable.

--------------------
I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

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Francophile
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# 17838

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quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
quote:
Originally posted by Taliesin:

Because we all want to love our parents, they just sometimes make it difficult.

Well, there are some who are utterly, irredeemably shit. And some who are near perfect.
But most are somewhere between, yeah?
ISTM, the most difficult to come to terms with are those who do foul things sometimes. Because the good times make one hope it could always be this way.

Surely all parents do foul things sometimes. Even the near perfect ones on the spectrum from irredeemably shit to near perfect Both mine did foul things sometimes. So that means that everyone (except the unfortunate ones with irredeemably shit parents) has to Come To Terms With It. Its called Growing Up and Dealing.
Posts: 243 | From: United Kingdom | Registered: Sep 2013  |  IP: Logged
The Phantom Flan Flinger
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quote:
Originally posted by Francophile:
Surely all parents do foul things sometimes. Even the near perfect ones on the spectrum from irredeemably shit to near perfect Both mine did foul things sometimes. So that means that everyone (except the unfortunate ones with irredeemably shit parents) has to Come To Terms With It. Its called Growing Up and Dealing.

Why is Coming To Terms With It and Growing Up and Dealing (not sure why we need the upper case, but still...) incompatible with having a rant about it from time to time?

--------------------
http://www.faith-hope-and-confusion.com/

Posts: 1020 | From: Leicester, England | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged
Marvin the Martian

Interplanetary
# 4360

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quote:
Originally posted by Francophile:
Surely all parents do foul things sometimes.

There's a difference between those for whom "sometimes" means every decade or so, and those for whom "sometimes" means every.fucking.day.

--------------------
Hail Gallaxhar

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Erroneous Monk
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# 10858

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quote:
Originally posted by Francophile:
quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
quote:
Originally posted by Taliesin:

Because we all want to love our parents, they just sometimes make it difficult.

Well, there are some who are utterly, irredeemably shit. And some who are near perfect.
But most are somewhere between, yeah?
ISTM, the most difficult to come to terms with are those who do foul things sometimes. Because the good times make one hope it could always be this way.

Surely all parents do foul things sometimes. Even the near perfect ones on the spectrum from irredeemably shit to near perfect Both mine did foul things sometimes. So that means that everyone (except the unfortunate ones with irredeemably shit parents) has to Come To Terms With It. Its called Growing Up and Dealing.
I agree with this in principle (where we're not talking about criminal behaviour). However part of Growing Up and Dealing is dealing with it as a grown-up. It is not unkind or unloving to break out of the roles our families cast us in as children, or to decide that we aren't going to read from their script anymore.

However, it seems to me that parents who expect their children, as adults, to continue to play out the characters allotted to them by their parents sometimes interpret the adult child's unwillingness to do this as somehow hostile to them.

Tolerating someone else's unhealthy expectations for your relationship doesn't have to mean playing along with them.

--------------------
And I shot a man in Tesco, just to watch him die.

Posts: 2950 | From: I cannot tell you, for you are not a friar | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged
Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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quote:
Originally posted by Erroneous Monk:
I agree with this in principle (where we're not talking about criminal behaviour). However part of Growing Up and Dealing is dealing with it as a grown-up. It is not unkind or unloving to break out of the roles our families cast us in as children, or to decide that we aren't going to read from their script anymore.

However, it seems to me that parents who expect their children, as adults, to continue to play out the characters allotted to them by their parents sometimes interpret the adult child's unwillingness to do this as somehow hostile to them.

Tolerating someone else's unhealthy expectations for your relationship doesn't have to mean playing along with them.

YES! My main monk! [Overused]

To that end, whinging is not just self indulgent, it allows you to 1. articulate something and thus take away it's power (how often have you been in mid-whinge and discovered it doesn't bother you anymore?) and 2. articulate something and confirm its reality ("Holy crap- I did not realize how crazy that behavior was until I wrote it out!")

--------------------
I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

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Francophile
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# 17838

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quote:
Originally posted by The Phantom Flan Flinger:
quote:
Originally posted by Francophile:
Surely all parents do foul things sometimes. Even the near perfect ones on the spectrum from irredeemably shit to near perfect Both mine did foul things sometimes. So that means that everyone (except the unfortunate ones with irredeemably shit parents) has to Come To Terms With It. Its called Growing Up and Dealing.

Why is Coming To Terms With It and Growing Up and Dealing (not sure why we need the upper case, but still...) incompatible with having a rant about it from time to time?
Did I say it was incompatible with having a rant from time to time? Don't fucking obsess.
And presumably you'll let me rant from time to time that you're a fucking idiot from time to time.

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Francophile
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# 17838

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quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
quote:
Originally posted by Francophile:
Surely all parents do foul things sometimes.

There's a difference between those for whom "sometimes" means every decade or so, and those for whom "sometimes" means every.fucking.day.
Get with it you fucker. We've agreed there's a spectrum from irredeemably shit to near perfect. Thus the near perfect might act like shit once every 10 years while the almost irredeemably shit will do it every day.
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tessaB
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# 8533

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quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:


To that end, whinging is not just self indulgent, it allows you to 1. articulate something and thus take away it's power (how often have you been in mid-whinge and discovered it doesn't bother you anymore?) and 2. articulate something and confirm its reality ("Holy crap- I did not realize how crazy that behavior was until I wrote it out!")

Oh Yes! I was talking to some Christian friends about forgiveness and how things from our childhood seem really hard to forgive.
I recounted a story about a teacher who humiliated me in front of the whole class (I was 15 and humiliation is mega at that age.) I had started to tell the story as an example of something I could not forgive and surprised myself by laughing at it and realising that it no longer hurt me. It was, in other words, forgiven.

--------------------
tessaB
eating chocolate to the glory of God
Holiday cottage near Rye

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The Phantom Flan Flinger
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# 8891

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quote:
Originally posted by Francophile:
Get with it you fucker. We've agreed there's a spectrum from irredeemably shit to near perfect. Thus the near perfect might act like shit once every 10 years while the almost irredeemably shit will do it every day.

And what's the point on that spectrum where people can post on this thread without incurring your judgement?

--------------------
http://www.faith-hope-and-confusion.com/

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ArachnidinElmet
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# 17346

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quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
To that end, whinging is not just self indulgent, it allows you to 1. articulate something and thus take away it's power (how often have you been in mid-whinge and discovered it doesn't bother you anymore?) and 2. articulate something and confirm its reality ("Holy crap- I did not realize how crazy that behavior was until I wrote it out!")

Another vote for constructive whinging here.

Whenever I spend time with my Dad, I inevitably come home and have a bit of a rant to my Mum. She's both sympathetic and relieved as most of the complaints were once her complaints. She didn't think anyone would believe some of the bat-shit craziness that happened when they were still married 30 years ago and subsequently told no one. She didn't even mention it to me as a child preferring to leave me to make up my own mind. Well I have and now we can exchange war stories and shake our heads at the nonsense.

If I couldn't vent, I'd have gone postal years ago.

--------------------
'If a pleasant, straight-forward life is not possible then one must try to wriggle through by subtle manoeuvres' - Kafka

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quetzalcoatl
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# 16740

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I'm just curious as to what Growing Up and Dealing Actually Means, oops, these caps are addictive!

My experience working with people is that it often means Suppression and Pretending. In other words, people being dishonest about how much their parents hurt them.

Generally, that works out badly, since it's difficult to cheat this stuff - it leaks out in various ways; for example, it can really mess up your relationships, and it can really mess up your kids, as they will pick up your hidden stuff.

My version of Growing Up and Dealing is honestly facing what happened to you in childhood, having the feelings which came out of that, talking about it all, either with friends or a professional, so that one is being real, and not a fake.

--------------------
I can't talk to you today; I talked to two people yesterday.

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lilBuddha
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quote:
Originally posted by Francophile:
Did I say it was incompatible with having a rant from time to time?

Yes. Yes you did. In your very first post on this very thread. And every subsequent post on this thread until now.
quote:
Originally posted by Francophile:

And presumably you'll let me rant from time to time that you're a fucking idiot from time to time.

And we shall rant most of the time that you're a fucking idiot most of the time.

--------------------
I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou

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Francophile
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# 17838

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quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
quote:
Originally posted by Francophile:
Did I say it was incompatible with having a rant from time to time?

Yes. Yes you did. In your very first post on this very thread. And every subsequent post on this thread until now.
quote:
Originally posted by Francophile:

And presumably you'll let me rant from time to time that you're a fucking idiot from time to time.

And we shall rant most of the time that you're a fucking idiot most of the time.

For the sake of the fucking wee man, dont take yourself so fucking seriously!

Of course you can rant about any fucking subject under the shun, including how mummy doesn't love you because she shoves a hot water bottle into your hand.

But if you rant in public, someone's bound to rant back and call you the selfish bitch that you are.

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Lyda*Rose

Ship's broken porthole
# 4544

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Well, at least Mummy wuvs you, Franky.

(But man, you're tedious.)

--------------------
"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano

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Francophile
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# 17838

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quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
Well, at least Mummy wuvs you, Franky.

(But man, you're tedious.)

Not half as tedious as you, puella. How many versions of my name have you used? Gies a been.
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Chorister

Completely Frocked
# 473

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Funny how threads called 'Difficult Relatives' always seem to deteriorate into threads which should be renamed 'Difficult Shipmates'....

--------------------
Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.

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quetzalcoatl
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# 16740

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quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
Funny how threads called 'Difficult Relatives' always seem to deteriorate into threads which should be renamed 'Difficult Shipmates'....

It's powerful stuff, and it gets right under people's skin. The old rule in the officer's mess about not talking about sex, politics and religion, to avoid spilling blood, should have an extra - mothers.

--------------------
I can't talk to you today; I talked to two people yesterday.

Posts: 9878 | From: UK | Registered: Oct 2011  |  IP: Logged
Lyda*Rose

Ship's broken porthole
# 4544

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quote:
Originally posted by Francophile:
quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
Well, at least Mummy wuvs you, Franky.

(But man, you're tedious.)

Not half as tedious as you, puella. How many versions of my name have you used?
One. [Razz]

--------------------
"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano

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lilBuddha
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# 14333

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quote:
Originally posted by Francophile:
For the sake of the fucking wee man, dont take yourself so fucking seriously!

So first, you say we should not rant. Next you plead that your explosive diarrhea of a posting spree was just a rant and should therefore be excused. Now you were not serious. [Roll Eyes] Trolls used to at least be consistent.

quote:
Originally posted by Francophile:

But if you rant in public, someone's bound to rant back and call you the selfish bitch that you are.

I am not selfish.

quote:
Originally posted by Francophile:
quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
Well, at least Mummy wuvs you, Franky.

(But man, you're tedious.)

Not half as tedious as you, puella. How many versions of my name have you used? Gies a been.
The best you can manage is name calling and "I know you are but what am I"?
Please do make an effort, this is getting boring.

--------------------
I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou

Posts: 17627 | From: the round earth's imagined corners | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged



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