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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Aging Parents
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
APW and partner ![[Votive]](graemlins/votive.gif) and hoping that the other siblings will see beyond their own hurt and do their bit.
Tree Bee - I remember my Great Aunt Millie's 90th birthady. She was the youngest in her family and described herself as "The wee Lone Ranger". She lived to 96 and, despite lots of visitors missed her siblings and contemperoraries dreadfully (most of them were close and lived in the same city all their lives).
[ 18. August 2014, 01:58: Message edited by: Huia ]
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
Hope everyone and their aging Ps are doing well.
I went to see my mum today and in lots of ways she is doing fine living independently, she's off on holiday on her own on Wednesday for instance, but in other ways it is obvious she need a bit more support. Her eyesight is getting very bad, and although she said she gave the flat a good clean yesterday, there was lots she''d msised. I'm not sure how to offer to do it without undermining her confidence.
My brother and I are meeting up while she's away to discuss whether or not we should put pressure on her to move. My brother would like her near him, but I'm still uncertain that's a good idea.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Arabella Purity Winterbottom
Trumpeting hope
# 3434
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Posted
My parents-in-law are now in a rest home. Cheers all round, except for mother-in-law, who doesn't want to be there, can't remember getting there, and is struggling to understand her own frailty and the need to stay safe. She doesn't realise that even after a week she's already looking much better - cleaner, tidier, steadier on her feet.
We are now engaged on the mammoth task of cleaning out their house so it can be sold: nearly 60 years of accumulated stuff. It would seem that neither of them was very good at getting rid of things.
It is throwing up some wonderful photos that none of the family have seen before (because they were randomly stuffed in a drawer containing 30 aprons, or a box full of nails and screws, etc., etc.).
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Hell is full of the talented and Heaven is full of the energetic. St Jane Frances de Chantal
Posts: 3702 | From: Aotearoa, New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2002
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no prophet's flag is set so...
Proceed to see sea
# 15560
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Posted
Father (87) had computer trouble and ended up talking to some random bad guy who called. "He knew my name and where I live", details from the phone book I expect. Now computer is malfunctioning completely. Thankfully he seemed to have stopped it as the bastard tried to remote in and steal passwords.
I learned about this after he guiltily called me the day after spending 4 hours trying to fix the problem to no avail.
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Out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safety.
\_(ツ)_/
Posts: 11498 | From: Treaty 6 territory in the nonexistant Province of Buffalo, Canada ↄ⃝' | Registered: Mar 2010
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
I have to give thanks that my dad who turned 90 in June is doing quite well independently. His great joy is amateur radio operating which keeps him sharp and occupied along with reading, visiting friends, and watching sports on TV. I live very nearby and see him three or four times a week when we walk about a mile together and then I fix breakfast. Tomorrow we'll spend a day watching college football and going to the symphony in the evening. I realize all this will change one of these days, so I'm enjoying all the time I have with him. ![[Axe murder]](graemlins/lovedrops.gif)
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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Thyme
Shipmate
# 12360
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Arabella Purity Winterbottom:
We are now engaged on the mammoth task of cleaning out their house so it can be sold: nearly 60 years of accumulated stuff. It would seem that neither of them was very good at getting rid of things.
Doing this for my parents had a huge impact on me and my attitude to my own possessions. I found it deeply upsetting that so much of their treasured stuff had to go to the tip.
I set myself on a fairly minimalist path after that. If I need new stuff I get it as cheap as possible. Fortunately Mr T is fine with this.
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The Church in its own bubble has become, at best the guardian of the value system of the nation’s grandparents, and at worst a den of religious anoraks defined by defensiveness, esoteric logic and discrimination. Bishop of Buckingham's blog
Posts: 600 | From: Cloud Cuckoo Land | Registered: Feb 2007
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chive
Ship's nude
# 208
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Posted
I went to visit family last week and noticed my mother's memory seems to be deteriorating rapidly. She constantly repeated the same stories and got quite confused about relatively uncomplicated things. She also seems to make very simple things immensely complicated.
She's only in her late sixties but my sister, a doctor, is beginning to wonder about whether her mental capacities are starting to go.
She still manages to be a magnificent stirrer up of trouble and sayer of bitchy comments so I'm not totally concerned but it's beginning to be a slight nag of worry at the back of my mind.
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'Edward was the kind of man who thought there was no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who hadn't done one-to-one Bible study with him.' Catherine Fox, Love to the Lost
Posts: 3542 | From: the cupboard under the stairs | Registered: May 2001
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Arabella Purity Winterbottom
Trumpeting hope
# 3434
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Thyme:
Doing this for my parents had a huge impact on me and my attitude to my own possessions. I found it deeply upsetting that so much of their treasured stuff had to go to the tip.
I set myself on a fairly minimalist path after that. If I need new stuff I get it as cheap as possible. Fortunately Mr T is fine with this.
Yep, us too. We spent part of last weekend getting rid of stuff from a room in our house.
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Hell is full of the talented and Heaven is full of the energetic. St Jane Frances de Chantal
Posts: 3702 | From: Aotearoa, New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2002
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Ethne Alba
Shipmate
# 5804
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Posted
Hmmmmmm, mother spent a strict five minutes washing the watercress yesterday,
Should i be thrilled that it was washed and she can still prepare supper herself? Or shocked that the five minutes was adhered to so carefully?
On another note: i think that will be the 3rd gardener that's been 'let go' now.......sigh.......
Posts: 3126 | Registered: Apr 2004
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Heard last night that the Dowager's golf club, where she's been a member for over 25 years, is likely to close ![[Disappointed]](graemlins/disappointed.gif) Not only does she still play 9 holes once or twice a week, health and weather permitting, but she also gets quite a bit of social interaction there.
I can't help thinking that's a Very Bad Thing for her, and wondering if she really will decide to move now. Heaven help us ...
The Concerned Mrs. S
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Thyme:
I set myself on a fairly minimalist path after that. If I need new stuff I get it as cheap as possible. Fortunately Mr T is fine with this.
Thyme, do you mind me asking why it has to be cheap? The reason this has come to mind is that I was mowing the lawn, with our venerable (> 25 y.o.) Honda, and reflecting that we bought it with money which came to us from my Uncle Ron's estate.
Uncle Ron, may he rest in peace, lived after my aunt died in a state approaching squalor in a caravan - not a mobile home, a caravan, so when we got this money we decided to spend it on something that we would use and value. The Honda must have mowed acres of grass over the years, without any attention other than a clean spark-plug once a year (oh, and a complete engine rebuild after I incautiously mowed over a manhole cover ![[Hot and Hormonal]](icon_redface.gif) ). It wasn't cheap but it must represent amazing value.
The point to this anecdote is that every single time I use that mower I think of Uncle Ron and wish he'd spent the money on himself, instead of leaving it for us.
YMMV, of course it may, but something you spend money on, as long as you value and enjoy it, isn't a waste even if it does go to the tip when you pop your clogs.
Mrs. S, buying less but better ![[Cool]](cool.gif)
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Thyme
Shipmate
# 12360
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by The Intrepid Mrs S:
quote:
Originally posted by Thyme:
I set myself on a fairly minimalist path after that. If I need new stuff I get it as cheap as possible. Fortunately Mr T is fine with this.
Thyme, do you mind me asking why it has to be cheap?
Not at all! And you are right, price is not the only criteria. And it is not about saving it up for an inheritance for someone else.
My parents had a lot of good quality furniture for which there is no market now. I'm sure they got a lot of pleasure out of it and also from various ornaments and china and so on. But most of it went to the tip and the rest raised about £500 at auction.
Even the charity shops didn't want it.
Maybe some - a lot - of it we "could" have sold on ebay or something but we didn't have the time for all that.
What this did for me was make me think very hard about what I want to spend money on. So for example, expensive furniture is not my thing, or expensive bedding.
When we bought our new house we got it redecorated and recarpeted before we moved in, but no expensive wallpaper and carpets. Comfortable but not expensive carpet.
Having said that, I did get a very cheap duvet set recently for my new bed. But it turned out to be mostly polyester and it didn't feel nice and was very hot. That was a false economy. So I got some 100% cotton sets (in sale and/or from a bargain shop) and these are a colour I like and are nice to use.
I have just spent an extremely large amount of money on new hearing aids. These will improve the quality of my life immensely so I paid whatever it cost to get the best hearing solution and will continue doing that as technology improves and I have the money.
I didn't stint on my new bed either. Although it wasn't expensive as beds go.
Pre parents house clearance I would have spent a lot more on eg, designer bedding. And furniture for our new house. Now I am not bothered if someone visits and wonders at our collection of mismatching, old fashioned and upcycled furniture.
But a lot of the things I have from the parents house that have good memories are not valuable items. Some of them are cheap kitchen equipment.
So it is more about our quality of life than the actual price of things.
I think what I am trying to convey is that clearing my parents house left me with a very different set of values and attitudes towards things. Before that I wasn't even fully aware of how my attitudes were driving my spending/desiring behaviours. Now I am far more aware.
My parents, especially my mother, hated throwing anything away, especially anything with any slight sentimental value.
We had to throw it all away for her. I don't want my daughter to have to go through all the upset of having to declutter my stuff or my memories because I couldn't face it.
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The Church in its own bubble has become, at best the guardian of the value system of the nation’s grandparents, and at worst a den of religious anoraks defined by defensiveness, esoteric logic and discrimination. Bishop of Buckingham's blog
Posts: 600 | From: Cloud Cuckoo Land | Registered: Feb 2007
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Thank you - that all makes perfect sense, I'm glad I have a better understanding now. ![[Overused]](graemlins/notworthy.gif)
My understanding with the Dowager about all her (many!) possessions is rather different. Every time she tries to clear out a cupboard she ends up putting it all back again, and she's - I was going to say wasted, but spent would be fairer - an afternoon getting nowhere.
The agreement is that when she no longer has need of it, I'll get a skip in. My bill for skip hire is going to be huge ![[Devil]](graemlins/devil.gif) but it will cost me much less, emotionally, than it would her.
The Hard-hearted Mrs. S (but you knew that anyway!)
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Thyme
Shipmate
# 12360
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Posted
quote:
The Hard-hearted Mrs. S (but you knew that anyway!)
Ah, well, the whole hard-hearted bit. Sigh. I call it 'detaching with love' aka 'preserving my sanity and self identity.
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
[ 16. September 2014, 13:17: Message edited by: Thyme ]
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The Church in its own bubble has become, at best the guardian of the value system of the nation’s grandparents, and at worst a den of religious anoraks defined by defensiveness, esoteric logic and discrimination. Bishop of Buckingham's blog
Posts: 600 | From: Cloud Cuckoo Land | Registered: Feb 2007
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
My mum is very good at throwing things out, including things * w*** she hadn't, like all the birth certificates and other family information from my father's family (fortunatly he'd passed the photos onto me before he died). My mother -in-law still has tons, lots of it good antiques, and * can see problems in the future with my husband and siblings over deciding which item she'd left to which child.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
Gussie, my Aunty had sticky labels on some things as she and her daughters had discussed who got what long before she died.
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
Huia, * think my M-* -L has put something in her will about stuff, Trouble is she's re-written her will several times and bequests get changed.
In other news. * went to see my brother, K, last weekend, first time in about thirty years when * 've met up with him without my mum along. We tried to thrash out a mum strategy, but didn't really get very far. * went to see her again yesterday, and her eyesight seems to get slightly worse each time, * only saw her two weeks ago, but this time for instance she nearly scalded herself when the water for a cup of tea she was making me missed the mug.
* think K and * need to sit her down and give her some options, but staying in her own place, without more help won't be one of them.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Arabella Purity Winterbottom
Trumpeting hope
# 3434
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Posted
About a month ago my parents-in-law moved into a lovely rest home, a move driven entirely by my father-in-law. A fortnight ago tomorrow, he died, after a lovely afternoon with the whole family present. The chaos of the first couple of weeks of their rest home move had its own momentum. The last week has been much quieter, but another major issue has emerged.
My mother-in-law's severe memory loss is much more apparent than it was previously. A lot has happened to her in the last month, none of it under her control. She is in a great care situation, but understandably is also feeling very lonely and miserable, having been married for 69 years.
One or more of the family has been to see her for an extended period every day since they moved, but now, apart from us and my partner's younger brother, they've all winged away home. We have all had to go back to work, but one of the three of us is trying to see her each day, and she has lots of friends visiting. The home is involving her in lots of activities - while her memory is terrible for what happened in the last hour, she can still whip through a crossword without difficulty.
However, every evening, around 8pm, she rings to ask how long she has to stay, whether she could come and live with us, why she can't go home, and why has no one been to see her. As a daughter-in-law, I have a bit of distance and can answer quietly and matter-of-factly, but my poor partner is being ripped up, feeling horribly guilty, and wondering if she should do something different.
She can't live on her own and she can't live with us: she's not safe on her own, particularly around the stove, stairs, bathing, and her habit of wandering around in the night (she was falling a lot before the move). We have instituted a diary, and her many visitors have been great at writing their names and the times of their visits, but she won't read it, or the note above the phone that reminds her that the rest home is her home now. Its a pretty posh home, with some excellent amenities, and we have been blown away by the standard of the care.
Any ideas? It has been a much too sudden move brought on by their lack of forward planning, but it is now a fait accompli we have to deal with.
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Hell is full of the talented and Heaven is full of the energetic. St Jane Frances de Chantal
Posts: 3702 | From: Aotearoa, New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2002
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Lothlorien
Ship's Grandma
# 4927
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Posted
Would she keep a diary of her own, even with faulty memory? We did that with grandmother of ex Mr L. She took delight in writing in it. A lot was drivel but there were flashes of the woman we had known e.g. "nurse brought hot water for wash at 5:15 am. Returned at 6:30 to help me, water was cold."
We also kept a list of who had visited that day as she was convinced no one had bee for days.
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Buy a bale. Help our Aussie rural communities and farmers. Another great cause needing support The High Country Patrol.
Posts: 9745 | From: girt by sea | Registered: Aug 2003
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
I would suggest lots of reminiscence work about her husband and their life together - painful at first but it really can pay dividends.
P.s. - my care of the elderly years were the mid to late 1980s so things may have, probably have, moved on by now but ask the management or therapeutic staff there.
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Jengie jon
Semper Reformanda
# 273
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Posted
What I eventually did with my Mum when Dad was in hospital was to make her write a diary. Alright I nearly always dictated it, but she did the physical writing. Then when she asked again I would get her to sit down and read through the diary.
Two reasons for this approach:
- It was in her own handwriting so it had extra credibility
- It was less draining on me than retelling the sequence of events every few hours.
It does need the reminder both to write it up and also to look at it but it did help me.
Jengie
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"To violate a persons ability to distinguish fact from fantasy is the epistemological equivalent of rape." Noretta Koertge
Back to my blog
Posts: 20894 | From: city of steel, butterflies and rainbows | Registered: May 2001
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daisydaisy
Shipmate
# 12167
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Posted
When my grandmother went into residential care we had similar memory issues especially around thinking she had no visitors even though at least once a day one of us went to see her - we used the diary idea as well as each visitor taking something in so she had something definite to remind her. It was usually a yoghurt or a piece of fruit, or (very popular with her companions there) a bottle of sherry.
Posts: 3184 | From: southern uk | Registered: Dec 2006
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Arabella Purity Winterbottom
Trumpeting hope
# 3434
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Posted
Thank you all. One of my tasks in the aftermath of moving them was to sort the thousands of photos they had all around the house. I've been scanning in the family ones, and also some of the ones where my mother-in-law was representing NZ at the UN (one of the many activities that led to her becoming a Dame in the mid-1980s). We thought we might use some of the photos to spark her off talking about her life. The photos go right back to her babyhood, so there should be lots of opportunity.
The last few days we have been going through all the condolence cards and letters she has received and writing thank you notes - she's doing most of them and we're addressing the envelopes. This has been quite a good activity for anchoring her to time and place.
And yes, I have strongly suggested to my partner to talk to the staff, seeing as they know a lot more about dementia and memory loss than we do!
It is amazing how much the memory loss has been hidden from us while she was still living at home. They were definitely covering for each other, and I think it was my father-in-law's inability to cope with it that finally gave him the impetus to move.
[ 05. October 2014, 23:04: Message edited by: Arabella Purity Winterbottom ]
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Hell is full of the talented and Heaven is full of the energetic. St Jane Frances de Chantal
Posts: 3702 | From: Aotearoa, New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2002
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
You have my sympathy, APW. When my mother went into what was then the geriatric wing of the local hospital, she was still able to do crosswords (or at least offer ideas if we were doing one with her), but her physical capacity was sufficiently bad (she was wheelchair-bound, and very shortly became bedridden) that she really couldn't be bothered with the effort of writing, or even reading.
I'd agree with the idea of keeping your mother-in-law's long-term memory working for as long as possible: my mother's ability to remember things from 50 years ago lasted far longer than her ability to tell you what she had for lunch.
for you, your partner and your mother-in-law.
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
Talked to my mother today. I and my siblings have long been aware that they watch nothing but Fox News, and that this has a bad effect. (During the 2008 election season my father became profoundly depressed because he was sure the country would go down in flames, to the point where his doctor suggested antidepressants.)
Anyway, today my mother confided her worries about getting Ebola. She lives in a senior community in northern California. Her chances of getting hit by a meteor are higher. She is also worried about the mysterious virus that is attacking children somewhere. It does not comfort her, to point out that neither she nor I (nor anyone we really know, actually) is under the age of three.
If only they would change the channel, and watch nature specials or something!
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
It would be an act of Christian charity if you blocked Faux News and set a password on the unblock feature.
My father watches little else but EWTN. I don't know which is worse.
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
I don't know how to do that on their TV/cable provider. But I will suggest it to my siblings...
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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Nenya
Shipmate
# 16427
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Posted
Quite recently I went to an information evening about dementia and found it very useful.
The speaker was likening memory to a bookcase, the books being the memories. On the bottom shelf are the early memories, next one up adolescence, and so on, with the top shelf containing recent things like what I had for breakfast and what you said to me just now.
Then an earthquake comes along - dementia. The case is quite flimsy and begins to shake and the books begin to fall off. Which ones fall first? The recent ones. The earthquake may calm down for a while, leaving perhaps half the books still on the shelves. So now the top memories are ones from, say, the 1950s; so to boil a kettle I put my electric kettle on the hob because in the 1950s that was how you did it. The earthquake may strike again later; the last books to go will be the ones of childhood, so the memories of that era remain vivid after much else is lost.
As well as the physical memory bookshelf there's an emotional memory one, and this one is far more stable. I may not remember the details of an event but I am very likely to remember how I felt about it. So when you visit me today I may not remember that you came yesterday, or that you showed me the photos of your grandchildren for the umpteenth time, but I do remember if we had an argument about whether I made you a cup of tea - because I may have wanted to, but you may have refused because I always put the electric kettle on the hob to boil. So I have been upset at the prospect of your next visit, and show that when you arrive, although I don't remember why I am upset.
One of the points being that it really helps if you can make the visit a positive one for the sufferer, even if it does mean listening to the same things over and over with patience, and not getting annoyed that I have forgotten your three grandchildren, and agreeing to my making you a cup of tea and helping me in the kitchen while I make it.
I found this helpful and perhaps others will too.
I don't think it's always quite that simple, mind you. In the last weeks of her life my mum never forgot that my brother had died a few months previously, but often thought that my father was still alive and he died over 20 years ago.
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They told me I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.
Posts: 1289 | Registered: May 2011
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
This is why I think the reminiscence work is so good - elderly lady used to come and sit in my office of an evening then ask the time and then say she had to go home to help her mum make the tea for her dad - there is no point in an argument about her parents being long but a diversion on to "Tell me about your parents" can work wonders!
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
Nenya, that explanation is totally inspired - it makes sense of so many things (like the old lady in the choir who would talk about her husband's exploits in the war as though they'd happened last week), and why Mum could remember things most of us had forgotten, but not what she had for lunch.
Thank you. ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Arabella Purity Winterbottom
Trumpeting hope
# 3434
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Posted
Thanks Nenya, I like it too, specially coming from the shaky country. I shall pass it on.
We had a long talk to the head of the dementia care unit at the rest home and our primary objective is to keep the emotional tone pleasant and loving whenever we talk. This was rather tested when one of my partner's sisters decided that she wanted to take her to visit the old house before it is sold. We felt strongly that it shouldn't happen (she's been wanting to go home a LOT) and this was backed by the staff of the home, who felt it would be deeply upsetting (based on their having had to field a lot of questions about when she was going home). She wouldn't remember the visit, but she'd remember the deeply upsetting part.
The sister wouldn't let go and kept on discussing it with her, even though everyone else was telling her to shut up, that it wasn't a good idea. This resulted in a string of confused phone conversations from m-i-l about going home "tomorrow, J has said she'll organise it." There were some stiff words last night (to sister) after the latest of these, so hopefully things will settle down. I think this has been more about power in the family than care for m-i-l, and its a damn pain as my partner would like to live happily with her remaining family instead of having to argue every little point of mother's care.
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Hell is full of the talented and Heaven is full of the energetic. St Jane Frances de Chantal
Posts: 3702 | From: Aotearoa, New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2002
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
Thanks Nenya, that made a lot of sense. APW, is your sister in law having problems adjusting to the fact her mum isn't what she once was? My cousin kept on taking her mum out of her home for 'treats' such as theatre visits and picnics with the great grandchildren that she didn't really understand. My mum, who was a friend as well as relation (they were sort of sisters in law), kept on trying to persuade her against these excursions with no luck. Her daughter really wanted her mum to be something she wasn't anymore.
As to my mum, the eye hospital is telling her there is nothing more they can do for her poor sight, but she's insisting they carry on the treatment, blaming cuts in the NHS for their reluctance. There may be a bit of truth in that, but it's also probably true that the treatment isn't working.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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CuppaT
Shipmate
# 10523
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Posted
My dad is falling nearly daily, and still my parents insist on living alone in their own house. They finally agreed to having a woman who comes in every week day morning and cooks and cleans for them, or takes them on errands, but that is as far as they will go with help. Meanwhile, they don't push the call button when either of them falls, which would bring immediate help to get them up, and sometimes one or the other has lain for hours before getting rescued and bandaged up. They do not want to move in with anyone, and they don't want a full time caretaker. So, we keep picking up and putting on Band-aids.
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Stand at the brink of the abyss of despair, and when you see that you cannot bear it any longer, draw back a little and have a cup of tea.
~Elder Sophrony
Posts: 919 | From: the edge of the Ozarks | Registered: Oct 2005
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Sarasa:
As to my mum, the eye hospital is telling her there is nothing more they can do for her poor sight, but she's insisting they carry on the treatment.
My father's vision is worsening by the day, but he still thinks that a clever optometrist can fit him with just the glasses he needs to restore it to 20-20.
He suffers from macular degeneration and the results of a stroke three years ago that pretty much blotted out vision in his left eye, and the right eye isn't much better these days.
His older brother was completely blind toward the end. I fear the same fate is in store for him, but I don't know what to say when he keeps on complaining about it.
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Raptor Eye
Shipmate
# 16649
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Posted
Clinging onto independence is a two-edged sword so it seems. The longer people can stay in their homes, where everything is familiar, they're still able to eat and drink when they want to, and friends neighbours and relatives can drop in to help, the better.
Once we're a danger to ourselves, or seriously neglecting ourselves so that our health is rapidly deteriorating, something has to change however independent - minded we are. Accepting residential care and adjusting to it can cause a dip in emotional and mental health that is distressing for everyone, but once settled if care is good the deterioration may not only be stemmed but there can be a noticeable improvement in health.
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Be still, and know that I am God! Psalm 46.10
Posts: 4359 | From: The United Kingdom | Registered: Sep 2011
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Raptor Eye:
...but once settled if care is good the deterioration may not only be stemmed but there can be a noticeable improvement in health.
So very true in my experience - a lady arrived who had been almost bed bound and when not in bed used a wheelchair - her dearest wish was to walk at her grand-daughter's funeral a year later - it took lots of effort and lots of tears and she needed a walking frame but Kitty walked down that aisle! Residential care can be excellent but choose carefully.
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Trudy Scrumptious
BBE Shieldmaiden
# 5647
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by CuppaT:
Meanwhile, they don't push the call button when either of them falls, which would bring immediate help to get them up, and sometimes one or the other has lain for hours before getting rescued and bandaged up.
My great-aunt was like that -- she had several falls after we'd gotten her the help button, and she either never remembered to push it or was too stubborn to push it ("I wouldn't want to bother anyone") so lay on the floor for some time before either a family member or her hired caregiver came in and found her. It's so frustrating when you put the pieces in place to provide help and the elderly person, for whatever complicated reasons, still won't/can't make use of the help.
In the end what made her leave her house for a nursing home (at age 96) was indeed a fall -- but a fall that occurred while the caregiver was in the house. My aunt would neither wait for the caregiver (who was washing dishes in another room) to help her, nor reach for her nearby cane, so in attempting to walk across the apartment and get something for herself, she fell, broke her arm, went to hospital and (as she had always feared) was not allowed back home.
We are celebrating her 100th birthday in the nursing home this weekend. I don't think she's ever been reconciled to the loss of independence but she is at least safer there.
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Books and things.
I lied. There are no things. Just books.
Posts: 7428 | From: Closer to Paris than I am to Vancouver | Registered: Mar 2004
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
My mother in law had one of those med-alert pendants. They rehearsed her carefully in how to use it. Nevertheless, she went outside one afternoon to put birdseed into the feeder and fell. She lay there for several hours (this was Texas in summer, not particularly safe) until my sister-in-law came back and called for help. She had completely forgotten about the pendant.
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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Jengie jon
Semper Reformanda
# 273
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Posted
The installers of the pedant alert managed to disconnect my parents phone. Needless to say, my parents stopped having it as soon as they could.
Jengie
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"To violate a persons ability to distinguish fact from fantasy is the epistemological equivalent of rape." Noretta Koertge
Back to my blog
Posts: 20894 | From: city of steel, butterflies and rainbows | Registered: May 2001
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Polly Plummer
Shipmate
# 13354
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Posted
My Mum took her pendant off when waiting for someone to call to take her out, then decided to go to the toilet and fell over in there with no way to contact anyone. Luckily the home help arrived and found her.
When my mother-in-law got one, we told her never to take it off until she was actually going out of the front door.
Posts: 577 | Registered: Jan 2008
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
I have a slightly silly story about my dad's panic button. We were at a family wedding in Edinburgh and Dad (who was still mobile enough to travel by himself) had had a couple of drinks too many. My brother, brother-in-law and D. got him to his bed (we were all staying at the hotel where the reception was) and my brother asked Dad if he was going to be all right. "I'll be just fine", he said, "I've got my panic button." My brother (knowing rightly) asked him where it was, and he replied, "it's on the dining table."
In the dining-room of his house in Orkney, 300 miles away ... ![[Snigger]](graemlins/snigger.gif)
PS Happy birthday, Auntie Scrumptious!
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Arabella Purity Winterbottom
Trumpeting hope
# 3434
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Raptor Eye:
Accepting residential care and adjusting to it can cause a dip in emotional and mental health that is distressing for everyone, but once settled if care is good the deterioration may not only be stemmed but there can be a noticeable improvement in health.
Even without her accepting it, we're already noticing a huge improvement in my mother-in-law's physical health and general wellbeing. She's always been a very attractive woman, but during the year before going into care, she had been letting her appearance slip - wearing the same dress every day for a week, not brushing her hair, not always cleaning herself properly. Now, she has help to wash and dress herself, put on her makeup and do her hair, and she's back to looking pretty again.
We did help the process along a bit by getting rid of some of her more worn-out clothes - which she noticed! It was a good excuse for a bit of shopping and gift-giving.
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Hell is full of the talented and Heaven is full of the energetic. St Jane Frances de Chantal
Posts: 3702 | From: Aotearoa, New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2002
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CuppaT
Shipmate
# 10523
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Posted
Yes, my parents do not want to go to a home, nor even live with one of us six children. And they have accepted having the panic button, but they don't want to bother those people, if they even remember the thing. They have remembered it twice in all of the falls. They have lists around the house at various levels of whom they can call in case of emergencies, and they go through this list first, trying to find someone to help, someone who is not in a business meeting, someone not down at the barn without a phone, or an hour away, etc. Just the act of dialing the right numbers and not getting mixed up is a challenge. The panic button would be so much easier, if they would just accept it.
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Stand at the brink of the abyss of despair, and when you see that you cannot bear it any longer, draw back a little and have a cup of tea.
~Elder Sophrony
Posts: 919 | From: the edge of the Ozarks | Registered: Oct 2005
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Lothlorien
Ship's Grandma
# 4927
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Posted
MIL, now gone, refused one because there was a monthly fee. Very much a scrooge all her life.
She had a hip replacement but refused to do the prescribed exercises and lay in bed most of the time. As a result, the muscles had no strength to hold joint together and the hip dislocated. She fell out of bed and was partly underneath bed for some hours. Despite the pain, she eventually wriggled a bit and grabbed cord of bedside phone and pulled phone down. We were out and she could not remember another number to ring. She eventually rang triple 000. Ambulance men had to break into her house to get to her after she had been there most of the day. We were finally notified when we returned near midnight.
We shifted her to a nursing home for some respite care after this and she stayed there. Still no exercises so another three dislocations, but at least there was supervision and help handy.
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Buy a bale. Help our Aussie rural communities and farmers. Another great cause needing support The High Country Patrol.
Posts: 9745 | From: girt by sea | Registered: Aug 2003
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North East Quine
Curious beastie
# 13049
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Posted
A couple of years ago my parents (both then late 70s) got a phone call from a friend (early 80s) at 2am to say she'd fallen. They had a key to the friends house so got dressed, went round and let themselves in. But they couldn't lift the friend, who was in pain with any movement. So they made her comfortable on the floor with a pillow and blanket and phoned for a doctor. They were told by phone to call an ambulance, but were adamant that only someone with medical knowledge could decide whether an ambulance was needed.
So they phoned another friend's home-help, who did some light nursing, and she got up and came out at 3am (!) but she couldn't lift the friend either.
So they phoned for a doctor again, and were again told to phone for an ambulance, which they again refused to do on the basis that they didn't want to "waste" NHS resources by calling out an ambulance when it would be so much cheaper to have a home visit from a doctor at (by now) 3.30am. (??!)
A third, desperate, phone call, in which they refused to call for an ambulance for a third time, finally produced a doctor at almost 5am. The doctor didn't examine friend-on-floor, but walked in, picked up the phone, and phoned for an ambulance, which was there in minutes, and took the friend to hospital.
It really worried me at the time how out-of-touch both my parents and their friend were, that they held on for a home visit from a doctor, on the basis that that was the "proper" course of action, despite being advised three times to call an ambulance.
(The home-help was from eastern Europe and therefore not sure of the system, either.)
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
My M-i-L is very good a falling over, she does it all the time. Maybe because she is very short and very light she never seems to do too much damage. The worst was dislocating her hip, but she bounced back from that very quickly. The latest caused her to badly bruise her shoulder. The reason, she'd stayed up all night watching the Scottish referendam. She was so dizzy by the time she went to bed she fell heavily against the bathroom door.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
Hope all Aging Ps are well and that your mother in law is getting settled in the home APW.
My brother K and I have decided that my mother can't carry on living as independently as she has done. Her eyesight is very bad, although she still doesn't quite believe that she is partically sighted, claiming she can see quite well out of her 'good' eye. We've both had her over to stay recently and both are shocked at how little she can see.
At present I think she would be OK living in her current place with extra help for a little longer. It's near the shops, and though not sheltered accomodation has quite a few elderly residents, who as one said to me yesterday look out for each other. To hear mum talk it's her who does all the looking after, but I'm sure it isn't!
At home she seems more together, and I think that if she did move either nearer to us to to K she would really struggle and find herself in care home earlier than she perhaps needs to go into one. I've emailed the local social servcies for help, not telling mum, who feels she isn't old enough for all that, and made an appointment for her with the consultant that did my cataract operation to see if removing the cataract on her 'good' eye is worth considering.
I hate having to get tough, but that's what I think I'm going to have to do ![[Frown]](frown.gif)
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Arabella Purity Winterbottom
Trumpeting hope
# 3434
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Posted
Thanks Sarasa, things are settling down. We have decided that we can live with the nightly calls asking, "When will I be moving home?" Even in this regard we're seeing positive movement - to begin with she thought she was in hospital, now she knows she's in the rest home. We're being very matter-of-fact about it, just repeating that she is living there because she needs the 24/7 care they can give her then moving on to some other topic. I think its one of the first times in her life she hasn't been able to bend reality around her, and at 92, it must be a hard lesson.
In regard to losing sight I've always been amazed at how much people can do with very little. My FIL was almost blind when he died, but still insisted on doing all his own accounts, using a huge magnifying glass and a steampunk attachment to his glasses. Mind you, he'd already had cataracts removed.
Oddly enough, both my mother and MIL have almost perfect vision still. Unfortunately, neither of us have inherited it.
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Hell is full of the talented and Heaven is full of the energetic. St Jane Frances de Chantal
Posts: 3702 | From: Aotearoa, New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2002
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
I was born with congenital cataracts, and know from experience how good the results of surgery can be. My mother-in-law had age-related ones done in her 70s (having had, I assume, reasonable sight before) and was very impressed with the results: apparently the first thing she said on coming home was "goodness, I must clean those curtains!"
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
Agghhh! I've just had my mum on the phone telling me that she knows I mean well but she doesn't need the things I've been trying to organise (consultant visit, suggesting getting a cleaner in). The only thing she needs help with she says is getting a new computer, and we aren'y helping with that. I visited a shop with her a couple of weeks ago where they had experience at sorting out set-ups for those with sight problems, and last time she was here my husband enlarged the text on ours as big as it would go. In neither case could she see the screen clearly. Although she's not been bad at using computers I don't think she has the ability to really learn how to use one as a partially sighted person. Computers are really the least of her worries, but I guess she isn't ready to address the real problems yet I hope my brother has more luck when he's back from holiday.
[ 02. November 2014, 16:33: Message edited by: Sarasa ]
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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