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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Aging Parents
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Raptor Eye
Shipmate
# 16649
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Posted
![[Votive]](graemlins/votive.gif) for you and your mum Sarasa
It may be worthwhile contacting someone from RNIB and asking for a visit, as technology has improved for partially blind people and there may well be some voice sensitive kit which will help. It's good that she's interested.
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Be still, and know that I am God! Psalm 46.10
Posts: 4359 | From: The United Kingdom | Registered: Sep 2011
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Tukai
Shipmate
# 12960
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Posted
My being here in Queensland for a family viist this week has proved to be fortunate timing as there have been two major things happening around my 92 yo mother that I have been able to help her with.
Short term. I took her to hospital yesterday her infected leg had not responded well enough to the treatments that the GP had been able to provide. All the doctors, including those at the hospital, are confident that this is just a short term issue and should have no longer-term implications.
Medium term. Earlier this week, she was offered a place at a local residential aged care facility. Having had a "respite" there, she had earlier chosen this as her preferred place should such a move become necessary. On Thursday, she and I went to inspect the particular room offered, and she has now informally accepted that offer. A key factor was that if she did not take up this offer now and she had a serious fall in a few months time (say) then she would not be allowed to return to her unit to live alone, and would be forced to accept a place in whatever place had a vacancy first, which was unlikely to be one of her preferred places; she understands this key point.
Her date to actually move in looks like being around 7 January 2015. It is clear that she does not have to sell or rent her house to cover the cost, and so she can take her time about moving in her preferred furniture etc. I expect to return to Queensland nearer the move time to assist with this transition.
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A government that panders to the worst instincts of its people degrades the whole country for years to come.
Posts: 594 | From: Oz | Registered: Sep 2007
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Raptor Eye
Shipmate
# 16649
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Posted
That's all positive Tukai, and a weight off of your mind knowing that she'll be looked after, as well as hers.
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Be still, and know that I am God! Psalm 46.10
Posts: 4359 | From: The United Kingdom | Registered: Sep 2011
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
That does sound very encouraging, Tukai - I hope it all goes smoothly when the time comes.
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Tukai
Shipmate
# 12960
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Posted
Thanks for your support , shipmates.
It will help me in January that Mrs T will be back n Oz. (She is currently in Netherlands supporting one of our daughters, who is about to give birth to our third grandchild.)
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A government that panders to the worst instincts of its people degrades the whole country for years to come.
Posts: 594 | From: Oz | Registered: Sep 2007
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
Tukai, that sounds very positive. The fact that your mother sees it is the thing to do, should make the transisition easier.
My mum is feeling a bit brighter now she has decided to have her cataract removed from her 'good' eye. We're hoping that will give her some useful sight. I still think she should be considering moving to somehwere with more support, but she is adamant that she won't. Maybe we'll have time oevr Christmas to talk to her about it.
We're at my mother in laws for Christmas and I think she is beginng to think moving from her detached cottage with large garden might be a good idea.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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CuppaT
Shipmate
# 10523
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Posted
Tukai, your mother sounds like such a reasonable person. My parents want never to be put in a nursing home, and a couple of siblings with the means to make that happen have promised that. Now my dad has fallen for the hundredth time and broken a bone in his pelvic area. He must have 24/7 care to keep moving for his heart's sake, but resting for his bone's sake. My parents are in their upper 80's, Dad being mostly deaf, and Mom having more advanced Alzheimer's than he does. My brother and his wife moved them into their large home and made a living room and bedroom out of two bedrooms for them. (They used to be in a house on his ranch.) So, for now, things are going well, I think. It is an adjustment, certainly, for my brother's family, and for my parents most of all to loose their independence. But they think it will be temporary. We will see.
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Stand at the brink of the abyss of despair, and when you see that you cannot bear it any longer, draw back a little and have a cup of tea.
~Elder Sophrony
Posts: 919 | From: the edge of the Ozarks | Registered: Oct 2005
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Arabella Purity Winterbottom
Trumpeting hope
# 3434
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by CuppaT:
But they think it will be temporary. We will see.
Mother-in-law is still asking when she is going to be able to move out of her rest home, 3 months down the track. We have now put a printed note above her phone reminding her that she lives there, and the only other option is another rest home. It doesn't stop her asking, but it has slowed down the rate of asking.
And: A big shout out to the staff of the rest home. They are amazing: kind, careful, polite and friendly, always. They take note of my m-i-l's need to be referred to by her title, they are doing their best to make sure she gets out of her room and goes for walks and to activities, they clean her up after her accidents... Her primary nurse did say that she is one of their easier residents, so their job must be beyond trying some days. And they don't get paid nearly enough.
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Hell is full of the talented and Heaven is full of the energetic. St Jane Frances de Chantal
Posts: 3702 | From: Aotearoa, New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2002
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Tukai
Shipmate
# 12960
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by CuppaT:
Tukai, your mother sounds like such a reasonable person.
Not many people would describe her that way. "Shrewd" and "stubborn" would be more common descriptions, especially from Mrs T (her DiL).
Mother has now decided NOT to take up the place she had been offered at her first choice place for residential aged care, despite being resigned to accepting it when we went to look in December. Her accountant, who [in my absence] has been handling the details on her behalf re-iterated the argument that had persuaded her before : "take it now it or you will have to accept second best later when you won't get a choice". But she was back to her old stubborn self , saying she had "too many things to do before she could possibly be ready to move". Perhaps she was influenced by the combination of an "idle" week in hospital when she couldn't attend to her business and some calls this week from the nursing home manager pressing her for a date to move.
I am not surprised at this development, given that she had snapped at me any time in the past 2 years when I even attempted to broach the topic of residential aged care. In fact I was more surprised that the accountant had managed to get her so receptive in November (when she agreed to put her name on a waiting list) and in early December (when she told us she was ready to accept an offer).
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A government that panders to the worst instincts of its people degrades the whole country for years to come.
Posts: 594 | From: Oz | Registered: Sep 2007
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
That's annoying Tukai, specially as in the end your mother may well be forced to take a less favourable option. I think here is a tiny window when people are amenable to the idea of moving into sheltered accomodation, but it seems to be when they don't really need it.
I'm being very ostrich like about my mother at the moment.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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DangerousDeacon
Shipmate
# 10582
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Posted
Finally facing up to the fact that my parents are aging. You never really think of them that way!
But Mum is in hospital, lung cancer with secondaries in the brain. Many discussions already held about funerals, financial arrangements, powers of attorney, etc. Today a call from Dad, mum also has pneumonia. The damage of almost sixty years of smoking.
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'All the same, it may be that I am wrong; what I take for gold and diamonds may be only a little copper and glass.'
Posts: 506 | From: Top End | Registered: Oct 2005
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Aravis
Shipmate
# 13824
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Posted
DD. It's stressful having to consider all the practical arrangements when a family member is so ill.
Has anyone any advice on how to go about encouraging a very elderly relative to make a will? My mother is in reasonable health and definitely of sound mind, but she is 92. She told me about 30 years ago that she and my father had made their wills, but when Dad died in February we discovered that he had made a will, leaving everything to her, and she had never made one.
It wouldn't be straightforward either. I have a husband and 16 year old daughter, my brother (whom Mum worships) is single with no children. There are two houses involved as Mum inherited her sister's house in 1997 (it's small and in poor repair, and she has always resisted selling it, but that's another story).
Am I right in thinking that if she died without making a will, we would have something of a legal nightmare? I did broach the subject recently (by telling her that we wanted to sort out our own wills) and she just said "I'll do it some time, but I haven't decided what I want to do with everything yet."
If she wants to leave my brother the lion's share that's her decision, but I don't want a lot of stress and legal fees when she dies. ![[Confused]](confused.gif)
Posts: 689 | From: S Wales | Registered: Jun 2008
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
Yes, she really ought to make a watertight will. An elderly friend of ours passed away last month. He had been fighting cancer for a decade, so it wasn't like it was a big surprise, and he had written a will. Unfortunately he also wrote codicils, amendments, and at least ten draft wills of varying states of legality. None of these documents agree with each other, and they were scattered around the house, sort of a scavenger hunt of bequests. Hijinks ensue; the executor of the estate is turning gray.
If you do not feel comfortable bringing the subject up, would it be possible for someone she respects to suggest it? Clergy, friend, more distant relative? To cast it as a way to make things easier for her executor and survivors might get her going.
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
Oh, and another powerful argument: find out what happens if she does nothing. With luck this eventuality will be highly repugnant to her. "Mom, if you die intestate, Cameron/Obama/Scott Walker gets it all and will use it to [some repellent government program here]!"
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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Leorning Cniht
Shipmate
# 17564
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Aravis:
It wouldn't be straightforward either. I have a husband and 16 year old daughter, my brother (whom Mum worships) is single with no children. [..]
Am I right in thinking that if she died without making a will, we would have something of a legal nightmare?
Well, that all depends. The intestacy laws are quite straightforward (and just got simpler). If there's no surviving spouse, the children split it equally. If any children have died, their share is split between their children, if any.
The estate only passes to the Crown as bona vacantia if there are no living relatives (where relatives means anyone descended from a grandparent of the deceased. Adoption counts as descent here, but un-adopted step-children don't count) so "Cameron gets it" is pretty much a null threat.
There does seem to be rather more scope for bad feeling and squabbles (including the kind of squabbles that end up with the lawyers taking all the money) over the administration of an intestate estate than in cases where a valid will exists.
As always, I am not a lawyer, this is not legal advice, and is worth exactly what you paid for it.
Posts: 5026 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2013
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DangerousDeacon
Shipmate
# 10582
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Posted
Fortunately my mum (and dad) being very practical people, have already done wills, powers of attorney, basic funeral arrangements, etc. But even if the intestacy laws are straight forward (as it now appears to be in the UK, and generally is in Australia as well), there is still some benefit to having a will (e.g. choosing executor, no delay in courts granting probate, etc).
Aravis as you discuss this with your mum.
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'All the same, it may be that I am wrong; what I take for gold and diamonds may be only a little copper and glass.'
Posts: 506 | From: Top End | Registered: Oct 2005
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
The chat about trifle on another thread brought this memory back – it isn’t so bad as to warrant the ‘Difficult Relatives’ in Hell, so here goes.
Some years ago, we spent Christmas Day with my brother and sister-in-law, and my mother had already been with them a few days so I dare say things were already a touch fraught. I’d asked what I could bring (ever-helpful) and was told ‘Oh, make a trifle for tea’. I LOATHE trifle and should have said I’d bring tiramisu, at which I am a dab hand (says she who shouldn’t) but Miss S and I wrestled with this blessed trifle all Christmas Eve morning and produced it at tea time.
The Dowager my mother peered into the cut-glass bowl and observed to me that it looked as if someone had thrown up into it. ![[Ultra confused]](graemlins/confused2.gif) I’m told I let out a howl of rage ![[Mad]](angryfire.gif) before saying ‘Miss S and I spent all morning making that’ to which she said ‘Oh, I didn’t know it was yours – I thought SHE’d made it’.
![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Mercifully we had been alone in the dining room and I hope SiL never found out what the livid silence was all about; but that does remain the second nastiest thing my mother ever said to me. I’m not going to tell even you guys what the worst thing was.
![[Devil]](graemlins/devil.gif)
Mrs. S, planning never to eat trifle ever again
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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North East Quine
Curious beastie
# 13049
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Posted
My mother is an amazing woman. Her professional qualification is in Institutional Catering, and she has the organisational ability and eye for detail that goes with it. She is also the Protestant Work Ethic personified.
We live a 2 1/2 hour drive away, and it's an easy trip by public transport. My parents don't visit me - Mum will only visit to "help" and I don't need any help. In the last 5 years they have stopped by en route to funerals etc, but that's been it.
When I visit my parents (usually every 4-6 weeks, but weekly since my father has been unwell) Mum does everything, she doesn't like me "getting under her feet" in her kitchen etc.
We were planning to visit today, to give my parents their Christmas presents, but Mum isn't well and my father has asked us to stay away on the grounds that Mum should be in her bed, but if we visit she will either drag herself up to provide drinks and snacks, or will remain in bed but be distressed at the thought of me in her kitchen making tea / coffee etc.
I know Dad is right. And if it's a 24 hour thing, normal service will resume soon enough.
But looking to the future, what if Mum's health starts to fail, but she can't accept the idea of me lending a hand? She's in her 80s and I'm in my 50s. How do I get to the point where she sees me as a competent adult she can trust?
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
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Raptor Eye
Shipmate
# 16649
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Posted
NEQ, independent-mindedness is a double edged sword. It keeps people going when others may well have given up, but they often find it very difficult to graciously accept the help of other people, especially family members, when they need it.
My two penneth for what it's worth, is to do what you can when you can, be there for her, enjoy her for who she is and worry about the future when it arrives.
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Be still, and know that I am God! Psalm 46.10
Posts: 4359 | From: The United Kingdom | Registered: Sep 2011
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North East Quine
Curious beastie
# 13049
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Posted
It feels as though it's started to arrive now. We should have visited today, Christmas Eve, but Mum doesn't want us, unless she can cater.
Likewise, they don't want my brother's help tomorrow, so they'll be having Christmas dinner alone.
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
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Jengie jon
Semper Reformanda
# 273
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Posted
Just had the holiday "You are taking over the kitchen, I wanna go back to South Africa" whine. Expecting more as I have put on the casserole for tea. I decided to do it how I like it, so added toms. Oh we would not get tea if we waited for mum to sort.
Jengie
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"To violate a persons ability to distinguish fact from fantasy is the epistemological equivalent of rape." Noretta Koertge
Back to my blog
Posts: 20894 | From: city of steel, butterflies and rainbows | Registered: May 2001
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
NEQ
JJ
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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Raptor Eye
Shipmate
# 16649
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Huia:
NEQ
JJ
from me too.
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Be still, and know that I am God! Psalm 46.10
Posts: 4359 | From: The United Kingdom | Registered: Sep 2011
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
I hope Christmas and New Year with elderly relatives went well. I think 2015 is going to be a year of hard choices for both my mother and my mother in law, choices that they won't want to make.
My mother phoned up this afternoon spitting mad at the travel company she went on holiday with last year. She was considering another holiday with them, but they say she is too disabled to go unaccompanied. I wrote out her complaints after the holiday about the rep, which she then posted, but the firm who are citing the rep's opinions claim about my mother and her disabilities as reasons for refusing to take her, claim not to have received it. Mum is very articulate and pretty scary when angry, so I guess the guy that phoned her up is nursing a sore ear. Not sure whether it is worth taking her complaint further as she probably does need help to go on holiday now, even if she doesn't recognise it herself.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
I had one of those insights this morning that I thought might be worth sharing, rather along the lines of 'old people don't like change, even when it's change for the better'.
I was grumbling to myself about the Dowager and how whatever we do for her is never quite enough, or quite right, or whatever, and it dawned on me that it's like a fat person with problems, who thinks that if (s)he loses weight the problems will magically disappear. Of course they don't and (s)he is then just a thin person with the exact same problems.
What the Dowager wants is NOT TO BE OLD. There is nothing I - or anyone else - can do about that, so a new phone/computer/microwave/trip to the seaside will never be enough. She will always be an old person dissatisfied with her new phone/computer/microwave/trip to the seaside, because it didn't bring back her lost youth.
Here endeth the lesson ![[Angel]](graemlins/angel.gif)
Mrs. S, hoping that helps ![[Help]](graemlins/help.gif)
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by The Intrepid Mrs S:
What the Dowager wants is NOT TO BE OLD. There is nothing I - or anyone else - can do about that.
Yup. Old Man Reckondwythe feels the same way. At age 95 and legally blind due to a stroke and macular degeneration, and incontinent of urine, he believes that a clever ophthalmologist can fit him with glasses that will give him 20-20 vision again, or a clever urologist can prescribe a pill that will dry up his leaky bladder.
[ 07. January 2015, 00:10: Message edited by: Amanda B. Reckondwythe ]
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Arabella Purity Winterbottom
Trumpeting hope
# 3434
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Posted
Yes, Mrs S, I agree.
I'd also like some of my sisters-in-law to realise the same thing - their mother isn't going to magically recover from dementia if only her salt/vegetable/chocolate/fish/you name it intake is changed.
Blaming the doctors for not fixing her is very unfair on the doctors. She's currently in hospital with pneumonia, so we are living through a hefty dose of Dr Google from one sister - my partner is considering cutting off wireless access.
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Hell is full of the talented and Heaven is full of the energetic. St Jane Frances de Chantal
Posts: 3702 | From: Aotearoa, New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2002
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
I've just booked my tickets to go to Orkney for my dad's 90th birthday next month - when I told my sister that we probably wouldn't be able to go as D. couldn't find someone to cover for him, she very strongly suggested that I come anyway - the usual "may be the last time we're all together" scenario.
I completely understand her reasoning, but I absolutely hate travelling alone - I hope the old boy appreciates it ... ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
A case in point - my daughter's wedding, when the Dowager was 89. She had a spiffy new outfit and a killer hat, hair done (grumbled about that too) and bore as much resemblance to her own mother at my wedding as, say, Princess Grace to a bag lady.
She whinged unceasingly about how old she looked in the photos, despite cries of 'No, Mum, you look amazing' and believe me, everyone who sees them says 'your mother looks fantastic' - but the corollary is 'for 90' and that's what bites. In the end, exasperated beyond bearing, I said 'the photographers were very good, Mum, but they can only work with what they have in front of them'. Shit, I'd rather look the way my daughter did that day than like my middle-aged self ![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif) just as I bet Her Majesty looks wistfully at the Duchess of Cambridge.
Now, of course, that's what she remembers (and tells everyone) - nothing about the many kind and reassuring things I said before she pushed one button too many
Mrs. S, uncaring daughter of this parish
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Raptor Eye
Shipmate
# 16649
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Posted
You're not uncaring, Mrs S, quite the opposite. Your insight is important observation.
Some, a very few, people manage to grow old gracefully, to be accepting of the gradual loss of looks, health, etc and the inevitability of death sooner rather than later. Our faith can help with that, but it doesn't always in the world we've been influenced by, in which youth and looks are the be all and end all, perhaps with a smattering of intelligence or sporting prowess or musical ability.
Once we lose our independence it's too easy to turn in on ourselves and focus on what we don't have and how awful we feel and how others aren't doing it how we would like them to or neglecting us completely, or how very lonely we are.
It's not easy to turn outwards again, to be considerate of the impact on others rather than ourselves, to call the lonely lady down the road and chat for an hour each day rather than expect one of the family already busy with work, children, housework, study, and a million other calls on their time to ring us each day.
Perhaps we could draw on our experiences of the way older people impact upon us now, and draw up some guidelines for ourselves for the future. The chances are that we'll ignore them, and be next generation examples of our parents.
All we can do is try to be there and help as best we can, whoever the elderly relative is. I know that I value the times when I did find the time and make the effort to call or see my parents. Now they've gone I can't do so any more, and it still hurts.
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Be still, and know that I am God! Psalm 46.10
Posts: 4359 | From: The United Kingdom | Registered: Sep 2011
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
I think you are on to something Intrepid Mrs S with the problem of not wanting to be old. My mum looks at lot younger than her 86 years, dresses in modern way, has a sharp haircut and won't be seen out without make-up. She keeps on going on about old people, who she clearly doesn't identify with, and thinks any of her friends that have walking sticks have given in too easily.
Raptor's Eye - I clearly remember my mum going saying something along the lines 'Of I don't want to be a bother when I'm old, just shove me in a home' - she certainly wouldn't be happy if I tried to take her at her word.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Aravis
Shipmate
# 13824
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Posted
Maybe that's why "When I grow old I shall start to wear purple" was once voted the nation's favourite poem. It manages to redefine acceptance of growing old and make it fun.
Posts: 689 | From: S Wales | Registered: Jun 2008
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Tukai
Shipmate
# 12960
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Posted
Some "good news" from me. My mother has changed her mind yet again - in part because I gently debunked all her excuses for "the reason I didn't want to go into care was". To each of these I responded truthfully, "yes that is indeed an important issue for you, but it's one we discussed earlier and had a solution to ; in short an issue but not an insurmountable problem".
So now she is booked to move in late January, and Mrs T and I are again travelling the 1200km to Queensland to help her prepare for the move (i.e. helping her to select stuff to take with her etc). Let's hope and pray that it really happens this time, as her mental and physical state has deteriorated in the past few months to the point that she really could not be left safely at home alone for much longer.
She cannot be said to have grown old gracefully - shades of the Dowager Mrs S!
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A government that panders to the worst instincts of its people degrades the whole country for years to come.
Posts: 594 | From: Oz | Registered: Sep 2007
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Raptor Eye:
Perhaps we could draw on our experiences of the way older people impact upon us now, and draw up some guidelines for ourselves for the future. The chances are that we'll ignore them, and be next generation examples of our parents.
![[Killing me]](graemlins/killingme.gif) like all these oldies who say to their children 'oh, just shoot me if I ever get like that!' to which the reply is always 'it's too late for that now!'
Thanks Raptor Eye - of course I care, otherwise none of this would worry me at all ![[brick wall]](graemlins/brick_wall.gif)
The other thing I must be aware of is the difference between 'things Mum grumbles about and expects me to do something about' and 'things Mum just wants to have a grumble about'. I'm sure there is a distinction between the two, I just don't always take notice of it!
Mrs. S, encouraged by others on this thread ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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North East Quine
Curious beastie
# 13049
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Posted
Originally posted by Raptor Eye:
quote:
Perhaps we could draw on our experiences of the way older people impact upon us now, and draw up some guidelines for ourselves for the future. The chances are that we'll ignore them, and be next generation examples of our parents.
Thirty years ago my parents were angsting about my octogenarian grandfather's driving. Having been through it with him, I expected my parents would be reasonable. And fortunately I'm not concerned about their driving generally.
However, Mum planned to drive to Tesco while recovering from the flu, and dizzy. Driving while incapable is wrong, apparently, if like my grandfather you were doing it for your own enjoyment, but it becomes ok if you're driving for selfless reasons of stern duty, and because you won't accept offers of help from three different people because you don't want to accept help from anybody, not even if you are in your 80s, are caring for a husband with cancer and have flu.
Fortunately she backed down, after I shouted down the phone at her.
I did an online Tesco shop for her, delivered to her door, but she would only let me order a few things, because she was worried that as the £12 it was going to cost would be coming out of our bank account, this might tip us over the edge financially ourselves. And she'd rather drag her flu-ey self into the car and drive to Tesco than worry about the impact that being £12 down might have on our lives....
(I did beef up the order a bit so she got more than the basics.)
But really,
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
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Lothlorien
Ship's Grandma
# 4927
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Posted
NEQ, that reminds me of the time when it was insisted I drive with MIL to a gathering at my son's. She insisted she di not know how to get there, although it was just off a route she knew well.
She was a terrible driver and had had many accidents. I was terrified as she threw the car around corners, rather than steering gently. She could not anticipate any need for slowing like lights changing down the road. We nearly ran up the back of several cars.
The worst however made me utterly refuse to drive back with her. "If I had known I was going to have these constant dizzy spells, I might have considered not coming."
BTW, that delivery fee seems high considering exchange rate which is currently woeful. My online deliveries cost from $9-13 depending on time scheduled. If purchasing for a Wednesday delivery, store policy is free delivery if more than $100 is ordered.
Current exchange is about two Aussie dollars to a pound. So your twelve pound is around $18.
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Buy a bale. Help our Aussie rural communities and farmers. Another great cause needing support The High Country Patrol.
Posts: 9745 | From: girt by sea | Registered: Aug 2003
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Jane R
Shipmate
# 331
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Posted
Where I am the Tesco delivery charge is between £2 and £6, depending on how many other people want their groceries delivered at the same time of day. So unless Tesco are massively overcharging customers in Aberdeenshire, I expect the £12 was the total cost of the delivery, including the groceries the Dowager NEQ wanted...
Next week I will be escorting the Dowager Mrs R to the doctor's and dentist's. Someone has to go with her every time because, well, dementia, and she seems happiest going with me. I am not sure why, but I was the only one who was able to convince her to get her teeth fixed last year...
[ 08. January 2015, 19:11: Message edited by: Jane R ]
Posts: 3958 | From: Jorvik | Registered: May 2001
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Lothlorien
Ship's Grandma
# 4927
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Posted
That explanation of delivery charges sounds about right and I notice my last sentence is a bit off too. I was not long out of bed after a poor sleep. I had had no coffee. Just had first flat white and am feeling a bit better.
I have used online delivery of grocery shop since mid 1990s when it started here. Wonderful idea, goods delivered to my kitchen bench,
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Buy a bale. Help our Aussie rural communities and farmers. Another great cause needing support The High Country Patrol.
Posts: 9745 | From: girt by sea | Registered: Aug 2003
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North East Quine
Curious beastie
# 13049
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Posted
£12 was the total cost of what she wanted. This included items such as onions, as having flu did not deter my mother from cooking from scratch, when a lesser woman (e.g. me) might have considered flu as reason to resort to ready meals.
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
The Dowager's latest trick is rewriting history to suit herself, mainly by ascribing decisions she herself has made to other people (usually me). For instance, 'when YOU wouldn't let me have a party for my 90th'. 'Scuse me? Or 'I don't know whose idea it was for me to have this computer' after Mr. S had spent a day and a half putting it right. Mum, nothing would do but for you to have one, and the second-hand laptop we got you was too slow so you HAD TO HAVE a new one.
However one decision I will put my hand up to is forbidding her to drive 90 miles (two hours, door-to-door) from her place to ours. Part of the route is along the A303 (for the UK-based) and she hasn't done it for years, since before her hip replacement, but every now and then we get the 'I'm sure I'd be fine, I know the route so well, I don't know why you won't let me' until I get cross and TELL her why! No wonder I get blamed for any other decision that she's conveniently changed her mind about Tukai, I am so impressed that you were able to counter your mother's arguments so effectively ![[Overused]](graemlins/notworthy.gif)
She still drives locally, because a) no-one else like a doctor or optician has told her not to, and b) when she stops she'll probably have to move from her home of 50 years, and I just don't know what that would lead to.
The Cowardly Mrs S
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Curiosity killed ...
Ship's Mug
# 11770
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Posted
My great-grandmother was stopped from driving after a policeman watched her drive back and forth over a stretch of the A303 several times. When asked what was going on she wailed that she'd driven it so many times she couldn't remember which direction she should be going in to go home. End of long driving career.
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Mugs - Keep the Ship afloat
Posts: 13794 | From: outiside the outer ring road | Registered: Aug 2006
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
My father had a transient stroke a few years ago, and was told not to drive (presumably pro tem) by his GP. The next time my sister was home, she "re-allocated" his car, on the pretext that if it wasn't there, he wouldn't be tempted to drive it.
It had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that two of her grown-up children were learning to drive at the time, and it was cheaper to insure than her own car ...
He now has one of those electric mobility-scooter thingies; there's a part of me that thinks he'd actually be safer in a car, but what would I know?
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
Tukai - glad your mum changed her mind. Let's hope you get far enough along in the process of moving her that she can't change it back.
Intrepid Mrs S - I know what you mean about rewriting history, my mum is forever telling stories about my brother and I that aren't quite what I remember. Does yours get stuck in telling the same story over an over.
I'm feeling guilty, today is my day off, and I was going out with a friend. When she cancelled I should have phoned mum and gone over to see her, but the thought of a day mooching around with the house to myself was just too tempting.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Aravis
Shipmate
# 13824
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Posted
Every time I see a mobility scooter I worry! They aren't safe on the road and they aren't safe on the pavement, there is no standard regulation of their speed and no standard test to ensure that you are actually capable of operating it safely.
Posts: 689 | From: S Wales | Registered: Jun 2008
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Stercus Tauri
Shipmate
# 16668
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Aravis:
Every time I see a mobility scooter I worry! They aren't safe on the road and they aren't safe on the pavement, there is no standard regulation of their speed and no standard test to ensure that you are actually capable of operating it safely.
Also unlike driving a car, the constabulary can't do much about it when the rider has his head down to shade his phone while texting, rolls nonchalantly into the road, and scares drivers witless.
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Thay haif said. Quhat say thay, Lat thame say (George Keith, 5th Earl Marischal)
Posts: 905 | From: On the traditional lands of the Six Nations. | Registered: Sep 2011
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
In the US, it is easy to get Medicare to pay for your mobility scooter, whether your doctor thinks you need it or not.
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Brenda Clough:
In the US, it is easy to get Medicare to pay for your mobility scooter, whether your doctor thinks you need it or not.
That wasn't our experience. We had to get my father a used scooter on ebay, as his Medicare Supplement plan required too much paperwork.
We're all quite satisfied with the ebay purchase, by the way. The scooter was in very good condition, used only a short while by an old gent who died. ("Well, as long as he didn't die by driving it off a cliff . . ." was my sister's comment.)
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Sarasa:
Intrepid Mrs S - I know what you mean about rewriting history, my mum is forever telling stories about my brother and I that aren't quite what I remember. Does yours get stuck in telling the same story over and over?
Not so much that, Sarasa, but she goes on and ON and ON about quite trivial things so that I end up saying 'Mum, if you mention that One More Time, I swear I'll scream' - which is not very filial. It's just stupid things such as - my brother buys her a golf top in a size 10 for her birthday. She is convinced she's a 14, doesn't even try it on. I persuade her to bring it to the next get-together so they can change it. It turns out to fit just fine.
She then spends the whole weekend banging on about how she'd never have thought a size 10 would fit, ad nauseam, ad infinitum while completely ignoring other equally carefully chosen presents
Mrs. S, who loves her mother really
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
My parents have lived for the past 20 years in a house near a golf course. The past several years, my father being too old now to play golf, they have talked of moving into assisted living. They have never been able to even approach doing it, however. It was a distant concept, like the return of Christ. I warned them that undue foot-dragging would simply mean that a crisis would drive them to act. Surely it would be better (I said) to get ahead of the curve, and arrange matters as you would like them.
But no. And now the crisis is here, a cancer diagnosis. Now they have to move, ASAP, because soon my mother will no longer be available to do the driving.
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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