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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Aging Parents
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CuppaT
Shipmate
# 10523
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Posted
Caregiving for my parents is an ongoing saga. For me, it amounts to phone calls, and the calls between my siblings. Both my parents have Alzheimer's to some degree, and my father falls regularly, even with a replaced hip. They are living at my brother's house with home health helpers who come in every day.
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Stand at the brink of the abyss of despair, and when you see that you cannot bear it any longer, draw back a little and have a cup of tea.
~Elder Sophrony
Posts: 919 | From: the edge of the Ozarks | Registered: Oct 2005
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Raptor Eye
Shipmate
# 16649
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Posted
All I can offer are prayers for you all. ![[Votive]](graemlins/votive.gif)
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Be still, and know that I am God! Psalm 46.10
Posts: 4359 | From: The United Kingdom | Registered: Sep 2011
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Tukai
Shipmate
# 12960
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Posted
Some positive news here, I hope and pray.
After some shilly-shallying, as described in previous posts, my mother (92)had actually signed up [legally] to move into a local nursing home - local for her that is. So Mrs T and I have made the interstate trip to assist the move. An unfortunate complication turned out to be that the day before we arrived, she went into hospital for treatment to wounds on her leg that were not healing properly. But she is now responding to treatment, and the only effect is to shift the timetable by a week or so.
Mrs T and I are working with the discharge officer at the hospital and the admissions officer at the nursing home to move her directly from hospital to the latter, crucially bypassing any interlude at home which might allow scope for second thoughts, and to have the room all set up in advance of her actual move. Mother is seems relaxed about this prospect, i.e. not arguing the toss when it is put to her as an already agreed decision. This is very surprising in light of her previous strongly voiced opposition to making any such move, but perhaps she now realises that the time has come. Certainly all her carers, including me, think so.
The nursing home are holding the room for her; we have got the finances in order using my power of attorney; a removalist is lined up for later this week to take the few selected items of furniture and nick-nacks from the many in her current apartment ; Mrs T is selecting some clothes to take in from the hundreds now cluttering mother's wardrobe. No trouble to find a suitcase; there are at least a dozen in the top cupboards in each bedroom!
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A government that panders to the worst instincts of its people degrades the whole country for years to come.
Posts: 594 | From: Oz | Registered: Sep 2007
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
Glad to hear things are going in a sensible direction, Tukai, and prayers that your mum finds her new surroundings agreeable.
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
Prayersit all goes smoothly , Tukai, your mother's leg heals and she is happy in her move. leaving behind the clutter of a lifetime must be a wrench.
I had a daft time at my mothers last week. She needed some forms filling in but can't see to do it. I was filling them in, but couldn't understand one bit. Trouble is my hearing is so bad that using an ordinary phone can be tricky. We ended up with my mum talking to them, while I tried to make sense of the instructions she was relaying to me.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Tukai
Shipmate
# 12960
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Posted
Good news! Mother was discharged from hospital today and we moved her directly into the nursing home. We had cunningly moved a selection of her furniture and clothes into her room in advance, so she could feel "at home" straight up.
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A government that panders to the worst instincts of its people degrades the whole country for years to come.
Posts: 594 | From: Oz | Registered: Sep 2007
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
Excellent - prayers ascending that she'll settle in well.
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
Fantastic news Tukai. I hope she settles in quickly. Is it nearer to you for visits?
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Tukai
Shipmate
# 12960
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Posted
Mum's new residence is only about 2 km from old one, and thus still about 1000 km from ours!
One of the factors persuading her to make the move to a nursing home is that she was determined not to do it before her older sister (aged 96) did so. That would have been a sign of "weakness" in their sibling rivalry! But older sister moved into care last year, so my mother did not feel so bad in doing likewise.
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A government that panders to the worst instincts of its people degrades the whole country for years to come.
Posts: 594 | From: Oz | Registered: Sep 2007
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
How's your mum settling in Tukai? I hope she is seeing the advantages.
After a lot of persuading my mum is now booked in for a cataract operation on her 'good' eye. I hope this will give her enough useful sight to make life earier than it has been over the last year or so. She seems to me to be getting older very quickly at present. Not only her eyes but her hearing seems worse and se seems not be be grasping things as quickly as she did. I think she is aware of this as she keeps on phoning me up over minor things recent;y, something she didn't do before.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Uncle Pete
Loyaute me lie
# 10422
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Posted
Often decreasing eyesight triggers decreasing hearing. I think most people (but certainly not you, this being a general remark)are not aware of how much they use their eyesight to hear. I am certainly aware of that in myself as my eyesight deteriorates as I age.
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Even more so than I was before
Posts: 20466 | From: No longer where I was | Registered: Sep 2005
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Tree Bee
Ship's tiller girl
# 4033
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Posted
Visited Mr Bee's Dad today. He's been under the weather for the last few weeks and is now occasionally breathless.
We did his shopping, after much persuasion , did a little cleaning and paid an overdue bill.
Trying to persuade him to get help with cleaning and chiropody. Also trying to get him to agree to me doing his washing. I think we wore him out with our demands. ![[Frown]](frown.gif)
We plan to return soon, he won't put us off that easily.
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"Any fool can make something complicated. It takes a genius to make it simple."
— Woody Guthrie
http://saysaysay54.wordpress.com
Posts: 5257 | From: me to you. | Registered: Feb 2003
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Polly Plummer
Shipmate
# 13354
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Posted
Might Mr. Bee senior be more likely to agree to changes you suggest if they come one at a time?
Posts: 577 | Registered: Jan 2008
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Arabella Purity Winterbottom
Trumpeting hope
# 3434
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Posted
It wasn't possible to do one thing at a time for my parents-in-law. They wouldn't accept anything at all until it was absolutely desperate, at which time they ended up in care.
The only thing we managed to get in place before this was someone to do the washing and hang it out, but even then my m-i-l would stubbornly go on doing it, with her failing heart and repeated falls.
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Hell is full of the talented and Heaven is full of the energetic. St Jane Frances de Chantal
Posts: 3702 | From: Aotearoa, New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2002
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Tree Bee
Ship's tiller girl
# 4033
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Posted
Yes, I'm sure he'd be happier thinking on one thing at a time. But he is 94 and admitting he feels unwell.
This from a Yorkshireman whose usual refrain is "Musn't grumble." So I don't think we have the luxury of time as APW says.
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"Any fool can make something complicated. It takes a genius to make it simple."
— Woody Guthrie
http://saysaysay54.wordpress.com
Posts: 5257 | From: me to you. | Registered: Feb 2003
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Tree Bee
Ship's tiller girl
# 4033
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Posted
Has anyone had experience of equity release?
My Mum's bungalow roof needs retiling. She's had 3 quotes and all are for more money than she has.
She likes the idea of equity release and has someone coming to see her about it, with my sister and brother in law in attendance. None of us are happy about it as if we understand it right debts won't be paid and will increase until the bungalow is sold.
Any advice welcome.
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"Any fool can make something complicated. It takes a genius to make it simple."
— Woody Guthrie
http://saysaysay54.wordpress.com
Posts: 5257 | From: me to you. | Registered: Feb 2003
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North East Quine
Curious beastie
# 13049
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Posted
A friend's mother was in this situation, and she and two siblings each chipped in £5000 or £6,000 in return for which their mother signed over part of the house to them.
There was some additional benefit to doing it this way, which I can't remember, and it only worked because all three siblings put in the same amount.
[ 01. March 2015, 18:31: Message edited by: North East Quine ]
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
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Arabella Purity Winterbottom
Trumpeting hope
# 3434
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Posted
A nice story!
About 3 months ago, my partner and her sisters went and did a little concert for their mother and a couple of the other old people at the rest home. My partner decided to keep on doing this, and make it open to anyone. We've been going every two weeks, and after doing the concert/singalong for the main home, we've been going over to the dementia unit and repeating it.
On Saturday we had nearly 30 people packed into the dining room. People were chatting to each other, making requests for next time, and lots of them stayed for afternoon tea. The activities director is very happy with us because its got some of the shyer ladies to come and meet others. Several of them told us how nice it is to hear the songs they learned at school, and how did we know them?
My bonus this week was having a long talk with a lady who had been a senior social worker in our care and protection agency.
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Hell is full of the talented and Heaven is full of the energetic. St Jane Frances de Chantal
Posts: 3702 | From: Aotearoa, New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2002
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
NEQ - my husband looked into this, as my m-i-l needs various things done to her house and it seemed a sensible idea. As far as he was able to find out, you can only get larger sums than the£5,000 or so needed and all the other fees etc ended it up making it not worthwhile.
The concerts sound great APW. How is your m-i-l doing?
[ 01. March 2015, 19:07: Message edited by: Sarasa ]
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Arabella Purity Winterbottom
Trumpeting hope
# 3434
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Posted
Ma-in-law is still struggling with why she has to be in care, but most of the time she seems more settled. She told my partner last night that she doesn't like the home because she can't just go off and do things in the car like she used to.
My partner had to explain that as m-i-l can no longer walk unassisted, and needed help to eat, it wasn't the rest home that was stopping her going out, it was her own body.
We came to the conclusion recently that this is the crux of all m-i-l's complaining - she isn't the same competent person she used to be, but because she isn't able to understand this, she blames the home.
And its all soooooo much easier without my partner's sisters here.
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Hell is full of the talented and Heaven is full of the energetic. St Jane Frances de Chantal
Posts: 3702 | From: Aotearoa, New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2002
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
That's hard, APW - I suspect that what ails most of our ageing parents is the realisation that their bodies no longer work properly, and the difficulty of accepting it.
My dad's currently in the assessment ward while the PTB decide where he should go (probably the local old people's home). When I was over for his 90th birthday last month, he got very distressed when my sister and brother took him back after having him at his house (where we were all staying) for the afternoon and evening; I don't think he wants to accept that living by himself is no longer a realistic option.
for you and your family.
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Tukai
Shipmate
# 12960
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Posted
My mother 1000km away has recently decided that she won't answer the phone because "she has nothing to tell anyone". The possibility that others may have something to tell her doesn't seem to have occurred to her.
She has always been a bit self-centered but his is ridiculous - perhaps like the "delirium" she had for a couple of weeks before. In that state, in between more or less sensible comments on what was going on and what was said to her, she would intersperse a sentence like "should I bid hearts or no trumps?". Apparently part of her mind thought she was playing bridge, which she last did in RL about 2 years ago.
A good thing that she is now safely in a nursing home. But how can we show that we still care. (I'm trying letters and cards to her, but that may just frustrate her as she [physically] can't write back because of shakey hands.
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A government that panders to the worst instincts of its people degrades the whole country for years to come.
Posts: 594 | From: Oz | Registered: Sep 2007
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
The place where my Dad was had volunteers who came in and wrote letters dictated by residents. It was a surprise to my brother in the US to get a letter in strange hand writing.
My Dad often missed out part of my brother's address so I sent a stack on envelopes addressed and stamped correctly so that it was easy for him to post them.
In addition I sometimes sent Dad postcards of places we had been as a family or where I had spent a holiday. They have the advantage of not needing much written in them.
Huia
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
She's a sibling, not a parent, but is of an age where this thread seems a reasonable place to post.
Any ideas on navigating a lunch with a sister who is in a care home and doesn't like it, has type 1 diabetes and paranoid schizophrenia which react badly on each other, and at 65 still, deep in her heart, wants to live independently, even though this has proved a failure many times in the past.
She doesn't say much, and I find myself with little point of contact. We live 250 miles apart and I manage to see her 3-4 times a year. My current coping method is to bring friends and family along so that there will be conversation going. One of my cousins is much better at this than I am! The topic which gets the best response is the RC church, which we were brought up in.
I began to post this on the Difficult relatives thread in Hell, but realised that actually it’s much more of an AS post.
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
Taking other people is a good move.
Do you have any family photos you could take or even postcards of places you had family holidays or cities where you or she lived? Is there any music from the past that she might enjoy?
I have a similar problem with my brother who is 2 years older that I am, but who seems to be developing early onset dementia. I collect weird facts about elephants and wolves because I know he is interested in them.
Huia
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Photos are an idea I hadn't thought of. Thanks, Huia.
In a momentary misguided sense of fairness I split the photos with her after our father died, though I do have some copies (of hers). The sad thing is that anything given to her seems to disappear. For years she kept furniture in store, and in the end it had to be ditched, having cost a small fortune in the meantime.
She's a hoarder of wheelie shopping trolleys and luggage but the contents are often sheer rubbish.
I even remember bricks! And used hypo needles from the days when she controlled her own medical stores... The Home staff check on those now.
We are coming up to the Easter visit. Time to gather the troops. And photos.
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Tree Bee
Ship's tiller girl
# 4033
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Posted
Well, Mr Bee's aged parent died this morning.
Yesterday Mr Bee had phoned his Dad's surgery and expressed our concerns for his health. All they could offer was an appointment , first one available was 13th April.
The big plus is that he died at home, having looked after himself and without hospital tests and operations.
We visited him on Sunday with daughter Erin and I gave him a pedicure. I'm stupidly grateful that I was able to do that.
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"Any fool can make something complicated. It takes a genius to make it simple."
— Woody Guthrie
http://saysaysay54.wordpress.com
Posts: 5257 | From: me to you. | Registered: Feb 2003
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Caissa
Shipmate
# 16710
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Posted
My condolences, Tree Bee.
Posts: 972 | From: Saint John, N.B. | Registered: Oct 2011
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
I'm sorry for your loss TreeBee, but glad you managed to see him and give him a pedicure. May he rest in peace.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
It doesn't sound the least bit stupid, Tree Bee - it was one last kindness you could do for him.
May he rest in peace and rise in glory.
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Arabella Purity Winterbottom
Trumpeting hope
# 3434
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Posted
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Hell is full of the talented and Heaven is full of the energetic. St Jane Frances de Chantal
Posts: 3702 | From: Aotearoa, New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2002
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
The Dowager and I survived an afternoon of tests and consultants yesterday afternoon, and we had some useful discussions. I'm just praying that whatever her condition - probably heart failure - it can be treated with drugs, because at almost 91 I'm not sure open-heart surgery would be a Good Idea.
Still, she remains herself, which is a blessing (mostly!)
Mrs. S, hoping for the best but preparing for the worst ![[Angel]](graemlins/angel.gif)
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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no prophet's flag is set so...
Proceed to see sea
# 15560
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Posted
Condolences and may you find peace TreeBee.
This is mostly an airing of a story, which details of generally don't get completely organized when talking. Writing it out helps to do is more completely.
I'm continuing to work through and otherwise struggle with a needy nearly 90 year old father. He and my mother moved away in the 1980s the month our first child and their first grandchild was born, from Canada to rural Mexico. Building a house with no guest room, and generally discouraging of contact with us and my brother and sisters. About 15 hours, 3 planes and a 2 hour car ride to get there. However, after my mother died - my father had lied about her condition and resisted our visiting and our help, so never saw her - I arrived down there 2 days post death and had to manage the funeral and actually conduct it. Sorrow and anger. But thank God for prayer books which provide liturgy and for having been a lay reader. but A Big Mess inside and out.
So I helped him organize life down there to live out his days at his choice down there, about 3 months post death. But then he reversed the decision suddenly, and arrived on my doorstep. So at great expense and effort, got him set up in a semi-independent living situation where they do cleaning and one meal per day. Got him through 2 surgeries. Furnished the place. Contracted for extra care. Make him food to heat in the microwave. get him to the library, get him shopping. Get him trumpet music - he practices daily.
The man is needy. It's coming up to 3 years now of tending to him. He is getting needier. Wants company, wants to talk and tell the same stories over etc. After being absent from our lives for 3 decades, and I feel obligated. I try to set limits, and also would like to recover years of lost contact. Naive and silly that. I would have selected my wife's wonderful parents over either and both of mine to be the last alive.
So now we travel to see our children, and end up leaving him, with the next trip to be over Easter. We've taken him with us, but it is like having a elderly toddler. He doesn't want to come and we don't want him to, he wants us to stay, and I don't want to. He won't connect with others. He plays on guilt very effectively.
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Out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safety.
\_(ツ)_/
Posts: 11498 | From: Treaty 6 territory in the nonexistant Province of Buffalo, Canada ↄ⃝' | Registered: Mar 2010
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
I think the fatal thing there is 'he won't connect with others.' Because we do need others. And this leaves you on the hook, as the only social contact.
For many years my parents lived in one of those senior golf communities where everybody drives a golf cart. As long as you play golf, this is great -- the social structure revolves around the game. When my father's eyesight began to fail, he suddenly could no longer participate. This has been bad for him.
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
No prophet etc., that sucks. But it sounds like you're doing a remarkably good job of coping with the sucky situation as best anybody can. ![[Overused]](graemlins/notworthy.gif)
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
The Dowager, always anxious, is doing a good job of driving me to drink. Yesterday I called her to see how the ultrasound scan had gone - not that she'd have any results, of course, just to see if she'd got there okay. On the phone 25 minutes. Ten minutes later she was on the phone again, ranting about the letter she'd received from the hospital confirming the appointment she'd just kept.
OK, I know it's wasteful etc, but I can't persuade her that the hospital staff don't sit around thinking of new ways to annoy her. On the contrary, they'd got her a cancellation at short notice and called her to book her in, so that the standard letter that they HAVE to send out (systems - processes - targets) only reached her after the appointment. She's never one to take a charitable view of anyone else's motives, but it's getting worse and worse ![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
And was it really worth calling me to tell me this? Not from my point of view, that's for sure ...
Oh dear - the Grumpy Mrs S
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
My mother was due to have a cataract operation this Saturday. She's cancelled it because she has a nasty cold. Very sensible of her, as coughing in the middle of the operation would not have been a good idea. They think they can squeeze her in sometime in April, which is good, as if it goes on any longer I can see her changing her mind, and her eyesight is so poor that living on her own is beginning to be a worry to me.
Hope the results of the Dowager's ultra-sound show a solution to her difficulties with breathing.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Arabella Purity Winterbottom
Trumpeting hope
# 3434
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Posted
Mostly pretty settled round our way, allowing for dementia and steadily increasing weakness of limbs in m-i-l.
Partner and I were talking last night about what we'll be like when we're elderly, and whether all the things we see in our elderly parents are going to happen to us. Of course, we think not, but... It was a great discussion, if a bit unsettling.
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Hell is full of the talented and Heaven is full of the energetic. St Jane Frances de Chantal
Posts: 3702 | From: Aotearoa, New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2002
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Arabella Purity Winterbottom:
Partner and I were talking last night about what we'll be like when we're elderly, and whether all the things we see in our elderly parents are going to happen to us. Of course, we think not, but... It was a great discussion, if a bit unsettling.
As I only have a few years before Superannuation kicks in maybe I will start practising being awkward so I am really good at it when the time comes.
Huia
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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Arabella Purity Winterbottom
Trumpeting hope
# 3434
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Posted
Partner is only 5 years off getting her gold card, so she was feeling the immediacy of it too. ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
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Hell is full of the talented and Heaven is full of the energetic. St Jane Frances de Chantal
Posts: 3702 | From: Aotearoa, New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2002
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Tree Bee
Ship's tiller girl
# 4033
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Sarasa:
My mother was due to have a cataract operation this Saturday. She's cancelled it because she has a nasty cold. Very sensible of her, as coughing in the middle of the operation would not have been a good idea. They think they can squeeze her in sometime in April, which is good, as if it goes on any longer I can see her changing her mind, and her eyesight is so poor that living on her own is beginning to be a worry to me.
Hope the results of the Dowager's ultra-sound show a solution to her difficulties with breathing.
My Mum had a cataract done 2 days ago and will get the other eye done in 3 weeks.
They told her to squeeze the nurse's hand if she needed to cough as she had to keep very still. She said it wasn't painful at all and everything looks brighter, if still rather blurred.
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"Any fool can make something complicated. It takes a genius to make it simple."
— Woody Guthrie
http://saysaysay54.wordpress.com
Posts: 5257 | From: me to you. | Registered: Feb 2003
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
I've had both my eyes done, so I know what it's like. I'm a bit worried mum is bottling out of the idea. Her eyesight is very poor and the cataract operation is really her last chance at making things a bit better (she is more or less blind in the other eye). Hope the burriness goes quickly for your mother, I could see really well from the off with both of mine once the drops had worn off.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Arabella Purity Winterbottom:
Partner and I were talking last night about what we'll be like when we're elderly, and whether all the things we see in our elderly parents are going to happen to us.
Based on what my father's gone through, I've already decided that I will check out of this hotel at the first sign of being unable to care for myself.
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Arabella Purity Winterbottom
Trumpeting hope
# 3434
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Posted
Partner is only 5 years off getting her gold card, so she was feeling the immediacy of it too.
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Hell is full of the talented and Heaven is full of the energetic. St Jane Frances de Chantal
Posts: 3702 | From: Aotearoa, New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2002
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Tukai
Shipmate
# 12960
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Posted
Prompted by this thread which continues to deal mainly and helpfully with particular cases, I have started a new thread in Purgatory on "aged care" to discuss some of the issues arising here in more general terms.
[ 30. March 2015, 10:45: Message edited by: Tukai ]
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A government that panders to the worst instincts of its people degrades the whole country for years to come.
Posts: 594 | From: Oz | Registered: Sep 2007
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Amika
Shipmate
# 15785
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
quote:
Originally posted by Arabella Purity Winterbottom:
Partner and I were talking last night about what we'll be like when we're elderly, and whether all the things we see in our elderly parents are going to happen to us.
Based on what my father's gone through, I've already decided that I will check out of this hotel at the first sign of being unable to care for myself.
That's my feeling, too, having watched my dad with dementia (very unhappy dementia with hallucinations and thoughts of persecution, etc.) and my mother miserable for six years after a stroke and never going to come to terms with it (can't say I really blame her but it's hard going as nothing will cheer her up more than a brief smidgeon).
My greatest fear is being unable to 'check out' having been immobilised first.
Posts: 147 | From: Ingerland | Registered: Aug 2010
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
I feel the same way but I also feel unhappy about this talk of checking out and how it relates to our policy of not discussing suicidal stuff. Please be cautious in what you say.
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Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Banner Lady
Ship's Ensign
# 10505
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Posted
There is probably not much that makes us feel happy about dying by inches and knowing it. Vitamin D injections have been a huge help with my 97 yr old mother. As far as I can see a large proportion of the 67 residents in her Aged Care Facility battle depression - understandably so.
After 4 yrs of her being there she has become less inclined to go out as the difficulties of doing so leave her exhausted. This would make me feel guilty if it was not her choice. I have come to the conclusion she actually likes turning down offers of outings, as it gives her a feeling of power.
Every time one of the staff annoy her (a weekly occurrence because of the revolving door staffing syndrome in aged care nursing) I cop an earfull. This would make me feel guilty except that she doesn't help matters by loudly referring to the non-white personal carers as "that black nurse" or "the fuzzy fuzzy nurse" etc etc. She cannot conceive that such terms might offend anyone.
She hates the climate here, but actually never goes outside the climate controlled building. I've given up feeling guilty over that.
Every so often, my mum has a really bad few days. I ramp up the attention, and make sure I bring along the one great grandchild who loves to give everyone cuddles. Hugs from him seem to help, even though she never hugged her own kids. Putting in place safeguards that help her to retain small bits of independence also help.
Sometimes she 'can't be bothered' to help herself. But having something to look forward to each week is one way to keep things more or less positive. I make sure I eat with her in the dining room at her home once a week, and join in with occasional church services there. Arranging for mail to arrive is also good medicine, though she can no longer write back; and monitoring her clothing/personal effects to her specifications helps her feel satisfied that she is ordering her own small world capably.
Comfortable and well monitored is all I aim for. 'Happy' we will never achieve. My attitude to bringing up my kids was the same. I refuse to be held responsible for someone else's happiness - that way lies misery for everyone, methinks.
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Women in the church are not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be enjoyed.
Posts: 7080 | From: Canberra Australia | Registered: Oct 2005
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