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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Aging Parents
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Banner Lady, you've got it! I've already posted about my sister in care who has the mutually toxic conditions of type 1 diabetes and paranoid schizophrenia. Happy we can't hope for. Supported, especially with the professionals taking the strain, is possible. Boundaries are essential, or we would all go down in her discontent.
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Question: Is someone who cannot reliably differentiate between her driving licence and her car tax actually fit to drive?
Answers on a postcard, please, to the Dowager.
Having read the medical information on the driving licence renewal VERY CAREFULLY I applied for it on Mum's behalf. Since then I have seriously begun to wonder if I did the right thing! ![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
Mrs S, ![[brick wall]](graemlins/brick_wall.gif)
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
Her sons had to take my aunt-in-law's car away when - though physically she is perfectly fit - she would forget where it was she was driving to. Also, there was some evidence that she was beginning to forget the rules of the road.
It's a big step, since it's taking away a major piece of autonomy, but the risks of not doing so timeously are too great.
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
I'm assuming the Dowager will be asked to re-take her test or at least submit a current eye-test result from her optician? Then all you need to do is to stand by to be sympathetic when she gets very cross with the (in her opinion) idiots at the DVLC.
I went to see my mum yesterday. When it's just the two of us on her home ground things are a lot easier between us. She hasn't heard about a new date for her cataract operation but I hope it's soon as she really can see very little now. Other than that she is a bit vaguer and a lot slower, but still very interested in politics and the world around her. I tried to have a gentle talk about what happens when she does get more frail. My point was if she doesn't think about more help now, she may find herself having to take an option she likes even less (moving into a care home) sooner than she might otherwise need to do so.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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la vie en rouge
Parisienne
# 10688
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Posted
My parents had to suggest diplomatically to my 92 year-old Grandad that it might be time to stop driving his car. TBH, he wasn’t a particularly good driver at 50… ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) and what worried them most was not just that he would be a danger to himself, but that he might seriously injure or even kill someone else.
One thing that softened the blow was to point out that since he wouldn’t be paying the insurance any more, he could afford to get a taxi if he wanted to go somewhere. At that age, the premiums were sky-high.
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Rent my holiday home in the South of France
Posts: 3696 | Registered: Nov 2005
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Believe me, if there had been anything on the form to allow me to say 'no' I'd have balked at renewing the licence. But she can see OK, so no get-out there. I have put my foot down and insisted that she only drive the roads she knows well, close to home, and I have pointed out to her that it's the damage she could do to other people that she should be concerned about.
Luckily she is sensible enough to accept that what she pays to run a car would pay for not a few taxis, etc - but it's the independence, isn't it, that's really at stake.
(She found her camera in her underwear drawer yesterday, having looked in all the places she would have expected to find it. I think by then she'd forgotten how to use it, and I'm sure the batteries are dead.... )
Mrs. S - everyone else had better pray I don't drop dead! ![[Two face]](graemlins/scot_twoface.gif)
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
I thought you had to have a medical everytime you renew your licence over the age of 70, but it seems loking at the website just to be a paper excerize.
My mother never passed her test (mainly due to my dad being totally un-supportive, he didn't want to drive and didn't see why anyone else would either). When she was younger I thought it was a shame she didn't persevere, this is the woman who could steer a 70ft narrow boat into a lock with one hand, but now I'm glad), as I think she'd have carried on long after the time it was really safe.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Nenya
Shipmate
# 16427
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by The Intrepid Mrs S:
Luckily she is sensible enough to accept that what she pays to run a car would pay for not a few taxis, etc - but it's the independence, isn't it, that's really at stake.
It does depend on what you're used to and what your expectations are. One of my friends (who is my age) passed her test years ago but has chosen not to drive. She goes everywhere by public transport and is fiercely independent. She manages to do things like walk the South West coastal path by careful planning and detailed reference to bus and train timetables. ![[Overused]](graemlins/notworthy.gif)
I did worry that my brother, who was my mum's carer until she died and is 67-going-on-87, would get a car once he had a bit of money of his own but very fortunately he didn't.
Nen - no Aging Parents but an Aging Brother.
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They told me I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.
Posts: 1289 | Registered: May 2011
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Jengie jon
Semper Reformanda
# 273
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Posted
If she gets referred to a dementia clinic then they can force her to have a fresh driving test. If she fails then she looses her license.
Jengie
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"To violate a persons ability to distinguish fact from fantasy is the epistemological equivalent of rape." Noretta Koertge
Back to my blog
Posts: 20894 | From: city of steel, butterflies and rainbows | Registered: May 2001
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
I think the regs vary depending on where you are. You might call for a gradual tapering down -- only on short trips, only on familiar roads, only in daylight, that kind of thing. (When we come around to this stage we will add, only with the GPS on so you don't get lost.)
And then there is always low cunning. When the car needs repair, the parts cannot be found, the costs are very high, the mechanic had problems, etc. An enforced period of life without the car may help an elder realize that things can be managed without it.
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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Lothlorien
Ship's Grandma
# 4927
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Posted
Brenda, the GPS is no real guarantee of not getting lost. Quite a few people here in Sydney have found that their GPS seems to advocate a swim across the harbour to get to the other side. Other similar mistakes with roads.
I have a friend who always relied on the device, even when he knew the route. He is at the top of the slippery slope downhill to some form of dementia. The voice from GPS rattles him if he has a bad day and he cannot follow the directions at all. Unfortunately, he does not or will not recognise his problems. He has bad days with dates, times, appointments too. Travel arrangements misunderstood have had him miss plane twice to Pacific islands as he has gone to wrong terminal.
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Buy a bale. Help our Aussie rural communities and farmers. Another great cause needing support The High Country Patrol.
Posts: 9745 | From: girt by sea | Registered: Aug 2003
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Loth, I would never allow her to have a GPS. On one occasion I was driving her to Belgrave Square right in the middle of London, and Jane (our satnav is called Jane) calmly announced 'After 300 metres, turn right'.
Mum: Turn right! She said turn right!
Me: Mum, if I turn right now, we'll be in the middle of Harrods window. Is that what you want?
She did show signs of interest in one, but I'm sure it would be one more gadget she couldn't use, and would lead to Issues (and more phone calls) so she's only permitted to drive where she really really knows the route.
Mrs. S, on-line telephone support
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Lothlorien
Ship's Grandma
# 4927
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Posted
Friend whom I mention above heard his GPS say "turn right." He leant across and tapped the screen to show where to turn and promptly turned left. It took me quite a while to navigate out of the industrial estate he had landed us in as it had one way streets, big delivery trucks etc., streets with no entry. I also had to make sure he followed my instructions and did not treat them as he had treated GPS.
My MIL was terrible driver all her life and became worse as she aged. Her car was covered in dints and scratches and occasionally more major damage. Her son took her to doctor on another matter and I rang doctor to warn him we wanted her license revoked. He gave her a couple of fairly simple tests of reflexes which she failed and rang motor registry to revoke it on the spot. She was livid, absolutely livid and never went back to him. We took car away, as we knew she would continue to drive back streets to club every day.
This was the woman with whom I had to drive to a family function to show her the way. Halfway there, after a series of near misses, I was horrified to be told that had she known she would have so many giddy turns, she would not have come out. I refused to drive back with her, as did my sons. She followed one to find the way.
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Buy a bale. Help our Aussie rural communities and farmers. Another great cause needing support The High Country Patrol.
Posts: 9745 | From: girt by sea | Registered: Aug 2003
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
Has anyone done any research to discover if people age better if they've had to rely on public transport rather than cars all their lives? My mum,although much less fit than she was is a lot fitter physically than my m-i-l who has relied on cars all her life, though she's never learned to drive herself. I know in some places you are totally stuffed if you haven't a car, but even when they retired and lived twenty minutes away from any public transport my parents seemed to manage, though I know if she was still there mum would have had to have moved.
As for sat navs. I've never driven with one, I know if it said turn right or whatever I'd be in danger of doing just that without checking the traffic conditions first!
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Sarasa:
As for sat navs. I've never driven with one, I know if it said turn right or whatever I'd be in danger of doing just that without checking the traffic conditions first!
They don't just spring it on you. There's normally a first intimation ''In x hundred metres [take the action]'' which may be repeated (depending on the distances involved) before the imperative to do it now. The idea is to give you time to position yourself appropriately.
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
My sister was losing her vision, but has to drive to work. She used a GPS to help her spot when the turnoff of her freeway exit was. (We were all horrified to learn this, but she didn't tell us until after the successful cataract surgery.)
In spite of failures, the GPS has helped me to get places that I still don't know where they are. I just blindly followed the directions and got to where I was going, and then hit 'home' to get myself back again. Especially in bad visual conditions (night, rain) it is invaluable. Sometimes the road signs are just not visible. And there was a famous occasion, in Carlisle, when we trusted the thing absolutely, and it took us around a warehouse, down under an overpass, and then pop! We were out on the right road and heading in the right direction. There is no way we could have found that, without technical help. Even verbal directions and a hand-drawn map would not have sufficed.
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Sarasa, my experience was the other way about. My MiL never learned to drive (FiL worked on the railways so they went everywhere by train). When FiL died, she just stopped going anywhere other than catching the bus into town (it stopped outside her door) and finally became housebound when she began to fall and refused to use a stick.
The Dowager on the other hand had never driven very far, or on a motorway, till my Dad died (35 or so years ago) but she had always been active and fairly adventurous so for a long time she travelled and drove. We used to joke that we had one Grandma who wouldn't go out and one who wouldn't stay at home! ![[Killing me]](graemlins/killingme.gif)
Mrs. S, devoted satnav user (but who appreciates that they can go wrong, too!)
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Tree Bee
Ship's tiller girl
# 4033
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Posted
My Mum drives locally but has lost her confidence in driving further since my Dad died .
She has cataracts, one operated on now and one to go. She is very active socially and has several friends who rely on her for lifts as they don't drive. It does concern us that she sometimes drives when she shouldn't as others depend on her.
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"Any fool can make something complicated. It takes a genius to make it simple."
— Woody Guthrie
http://saysaysay54.wordpress.com
Posts: 5257 | From: me to you. | Registered: Feb 2003
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Ethne Alba
Shipmate
# 5804
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Posted
hmmm, sympathies; my AP is borderline unsafe driving her mobility scooter. Should we or shouldn't we bring matters to a halt? Still deciding in her favour, but the clock is ticking. And what then?
Posts: 3126 | Registered: Apr 2004
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Raptor Eye
Shipmate
# 16649
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Posted
In theory, the answer should be to encourage taxi use, the savings on car costs would cover the cost. In practice, friends and relatives have been reluctant to use the taxi because of the cost, despite all the money they have saved when giving up the car.
Perhaps there's a business opportunity for a taxi firm who will send a monthly statement to a relative, so that the individual never finds out the cost and feels able to freely use taxis.
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Be still, and know that I am God! Psalm 46.10
Posts: 4359 | From: The United Kingdom | Registered: Sep 2011
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Ethne Alba:
hmmm, sympathies; my AP is borderline unsafe driving her mobility scooter. Should we or shouldn't we bring matters to a halt? Still deciding in her favour, but the clock is ticking. And what then?
Is there any kind of subsidy for taxis available to her?
I know that there is here, but my father refused to use it even after collapsing while walking home.
Huia
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
In Hong Kong there is a system called 'bak pai' which means white tag. A private car in HK has a white license plate. a bak pai is a private car driven like a taxi -- like Uber.
In theory it would not be difficult to set up a deal with a known and trusted Uber driver, to be your bak pai. Robert calls every day and sees if Mrs. McCormack wants the car for today. If she does, she pays a per-mile rate (like Uber). If not, he goes and does his Uber-y thing. You, the offspring, naturally get the bill (and pay for it if necessary out of the parental funds) so that Mom ever has to worry about what it is costing.
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
A friend in UK has this arrangement with a black cab and the lovely Paul - she is not elderly but has MS and Paul arranges his life to pick her up for work and bring her home every day and also to do any other runs for her and her friends. The thing is to find the right driver.
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
When my dad was still partially mobile, he was a member of Orkney Islands Council's Dial-A-Bus scheme, which was useful for occasional trips when he didn't want to (or couldn't) use his mobility-scooter.
Do other councils operate similar schemes, and would they work for any of the potential ex-drivers people have mentioned?
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Jane R
Shipmate
# 331
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Posted
Ours does, but part of the problem is getting the message through that it's OK to use these services. My grandmother used to phone my mother or my aunt to come and change lightbulbs for her because she 'didn't want to bother' the warden of her sheltered accommodation, even though the warden was just across the courtyard and my mother and aunt lived 10-15 miles away.
Posts: 3958 | From: Jorvik | Registered: May 2001
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JoannaP
Shipmate
# 4493
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Posted
My mother stopped using Dial-a-Bus because she was fed up at having to wait 2 hours after her appointment at the hospital for a lift home and would rather pay more for a taxi. The demand for Dial-a-Bus outstrips the supply and so the service cannot be very flexible. Fortunately she is quite happy to use taxis and all the drivers at the nearby firm know her.
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"Freedom for the pike is death for the minnow." R. H. Tawney (quoted by Isaiah Berlin)
"Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety." Benjamin Franklin
Posts: 1877 | From: England | Registered: May 2003
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Baptist Trainfan
Shipmate
# 15128
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Huia:
Is there any kind of subsidy for taxis available to her?
I know that there is here, but my father refused to use it even after collapsing while walking home.
I'm afraid that there are some folk - possibly not your father - who see the use of taxis as unacceptably "extravagant".
I had a gentleman in my church. He had a car which he used once a week to go shopping. Eventually he gave up driving and used the bus - which he found difficult.
I suggested he got a taxi: even a £10 return trip each week to go shopping would have cost him much less than running the car which he had rarely used. But he couldn't see it, and ended up hardly going out at all.
Posts: 9750 | From: The other side of the Severn | Registered: Sep 2009
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Panda
Shipmate
# 2951
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Posted
My mother-in-law turned down a knee replacement a year ago, on the grounds of "I'm all right at the moment." Actually, we think she took fright at all the post-op information, esp regarding physio and the need to stay active.
But within a month, she was starting to deteriorate, and now she can hardly walk, even with a stick. She too is still driving, but you can see she's in pain, and not driving well - lots of revving in low gear because she's slow to change up, and I don't think she has as much control over her legs as she thinks she does. We do worry about her reflexes, in an emergency.
She's not an outgoing person anyway, and the car is her only real link with the outside world. Certainly she couldn't walk to a bus stop, and I think she'd struggle (and be embarrassed) to get in and out of a taxi, as well as blanching at the expense (even with the no-car saving).
It is hard. My husband knows the time's coming soon when he's going to have to point it out to her, but to put it mildly, he expects a prickly response...
Posts: 1637 | From: North Wales | Registered: Jun 2002
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
When we were discussing the semi-private driver idea in my family my daughter (young and tech savvy) immediately popped onto the internet and searched out driver services in the relevant area. It is not at all difficult to find people willing to do this; the trick (as mentioned upthread) is to find the right person -- reliable, safe, and agreeable to the elder in question. We were greatly aided in this by the fact that my parents are familiar with the concept.
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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To The Pain
Shipmate
# 12235
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Panda:
It is hard. My husband knows the time's coming soon when he's going to have to point it out to her, but to put it mildly, he expects a prickly response...
My mother (not quite in her sixties) has declared that she will stop driving when I tell her that she should. This is as a result of her father continuing to drive locally for some time after he had far too limited range of movement in his neck and my paternal grandfather going AWOL on a couple of occasions with the car once dementia began to set in. I'm actually not too worried about her - despite learning to drive in her late twenties and generally being a rather cautious driver, she has recently managed to drive a people carrier with reasonable confidence and I think she will give up of her own accord at a reasonable point. My Dad (just in his sixties), however, started working as a driver about 5 years ago after a long career as a computer programmer and now has an HGV licence. He's a great driver, but I notice that his patience with other drivers is beginning to lessen and I don't know if he would notice his powers of observation deteriorating. At least there's an annual medical for HGV drivers over 65, losing that entitlement might serve as a prompt to consider when to give up car driving.
Of course, I may have been selected as the offspring to bring a halt to driving due to being the only one who lives 500 miles away!
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Now occasionally blogging.
Hire Bell Tents and camping equipment in Scotland
Posts: 1183 | From: The Granite City | Registered: Jan 2007
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Arabella Purity Winterbottom
Trumpeting hope
# 3434
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Posted
M-i-l is moving further into dementia. Very stressful for her, and for us. Resthome staff are great, keeping us informed, letting us know whether we really should come up urgently or stick to our planned visits (4-5/week).
She's so distressed most of the time - purely anxiety - but has no capacity for calming down without medication. The carers are great, go in and sit with her, talking quietly, encouraging her to slow her breathing (and in the oddfiles, fart more).
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Hell is full of the talented and Heaven is full of the energetic. St Jane Frances de Chantal
Posts: 3702 | From: Aotearoa, New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2002
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JoannaP
Shipmate
# 4493
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Posted
I don't know if this helps or not but my grandmother had a phase of being very distressed by her forgetfulness, then she forgot that she should know stuff. She was happier even though it was more painful for us. ![[Frown]](frown.gif)
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"Freedom for the pike is death for the minnow." R. H. Tawney (quoted by Isaiah Berlin)
"Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety." Benjamin Franklin
Posts: 1877 | From: England | Registered: May 2003
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
I agree with JoannaP there, for elderly people moving into dementia the process can be very distressing but once past that initial phase they often seem far more settled though it can now be more difficult for relatives and friends.
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
Thirded from over here - at first Mum's short-term memory loss really distressed her, but once she reached the stage of not knowing what she'd forgotten, she seemed sort of peaceful and contented.
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Lothlorien
Ship's Grandma
# 4927
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Posted
I found that having dad admitted to care was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. He too had been bothered in the early stage of dementia. However I went to visit about a week after admission. I was greeted with "Don't know where your mother is. She may be in bathroom, or perhaps she has gone shopping. She will turn up."
As the dementia advanced he did not know any of his children but remembered the names of grandchildren. That too was hard to bear.
[ 21. April 2015, 23:38: Message edited by: Lothlorien ]
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Buy a bale. Help our Aussie rural communities and farmers. Another great cause needing support The High Country Patrol.
Posts: 9745 | From: girt by sea | Registered: Aug 2003
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JoannaP
Shipmate
# 4493
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Posted
Oh yes, my mother can sympathise. She was very hurt when she realised that the references to Grannie's hated eldest sister (dead by then) were actually things she had done. Then one day, Dad went with her. Grannie had not seen him for several months but recognised him instantly and knew that he was trustworthy, so happily did whatever he told her to. My mother was more relieved at getting the necessary things done than resentful - but it still hurt.
A family friend who cared for her father, talked about going into the kitchen for a little weep when he did not recognise her for the first time but, when she went back, he knew exactly who she was! I think the unpredictability did add to the stress for her, but she said her father was always charming, regardless of whether he recognised her or not.
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"Freedom for the pike is death for the minnow." R. H. Tawney (quoted by Isaiah Berlin)
"Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety." Benjamin Franklin
Posts: 1877 | From: England | Registered: May 2003
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Arabella Purity Winterbottom
Trumpeting hope
# 3434
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Posted
Thanks. I think unpredictability is what's making us feel shaky. And my partner is also the EPOA, which means that her mother has decided its all her fault she's ended up in a home (when in fact it was the decision of her late husband).
Given how much daily work my partner is doing for her mother, this feels hurtful to her, even though she knows the dementia is talking rather than her mother.
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Hell is full of the talented and Heaven is full of the energetic. St Jane Frances de Chantal
Posts: 3702 | From: Aotearoa, New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2002
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by JoannaP:
A family friend who cared for her father, talked about going into the kitchen for a little weep when he did not recognise her for the first time but, when she went back, he knew exactly who she was! I think the unpredictability did add to the stress for her, but she said her father was always charming, regardless of whether he recognised her or not.
That is something to be grateful for - the FiL of someone known to me has had to go into care, and despite having been a most charming elderly gentleman is now losing his frontal lobes to dementia. Hence he now feels it appropriate to utter every racist and sexist comment under the sun, all the stuff he would *never* have said in his right mind.
Since the staff at the home are overwhelmingly a) female and b) not WASP, his son and DiL are hideously embarrassed by this ![[Help]](graemlins/help.gif)
My Grandma went a bit the same way, only with her it was more physical - she would corner my poor father at the sink when he was washing up, and pat him tenderly on the bum!
Mrs. S, praying not to go that way ![[Hot and Hormonal]](icon_redface.gif)
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Sarasa
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# 12271
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Posted
I've been thinking about the point The Intrepid Mrs S. made up-thread about elderly people not wanting to be old.
My mother in law seems to have come to terms with her diminishing physical and mental state and seems happy doing simple things like sitting in her garden with her favourite books. On the other hand my mothers first reaction after her recent cataract operation was to head to Boots for anti-wrinkle cream.
My m-i-l couldn't manage at home if it wasn't for my brother in law's twice daily visits and managing of things like shopping. She seems fine when I speak to her on the phone, but when we visited the other week I was very aware of how frail she is, and how increasingly confused she is becoming.
My mum, although admitting she hasn't the energy she had thirty years ago, doesn't seem to realise that it isn't just her eyes that have changed over the last few years and that she isn't as mentally sharp or physically fit as she was. She is very unhappy about suggestions that she needs more help. My brother and I don't want to force her into things she doesn't want to do, but I feel that it may come to that in the next year or two.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Arabella Purity Winterbottom:
Given how much daily work my partner is doing for her mother, this feels hurtful to her, even though she knows the dementia is talking rather than her mother.
Arabella I recognise that knowing it is the dementia talking. My Mother in the throes of dementia once told me she didn't have a daughter. We were in the middle of a busy airport and all I wanted to do was sit down and howl.
![[Votive]](graemlins/votive.gif) for your partner, for you as you support her, and for her mother who is unaware of the pain she is causing.
Huia
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
I'd like to put in a little positive note.
We had an e-mail today from a friend of Dad's who's been making a regular habit of visiting him since he's been in the care-home, and he says that once Dad sees him, he's just as sharp as ever he was, they have long talks about everything and nothing and occasionally go out for a drive somewhere, with Dad's powers of observation apparently more-or-less undiminished.
It's maybe only a little thing, but I can't tell you how encouraged I felt.
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Arabella Purity Winterbottom
Trumpeting hope
# 3434
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Posted
Thanks Huia. Partner turned 60 this week, and celebrated by getting a humungous cold, which meant she couldn't visit her mother. It sounds dreadful, but we've both been enjoying the peace - even though the rest home is still ringing with status updates, partner absolutely can't go and visit.
Makes me very aware of our lack of respite, that we are feeling glad to have an excuse.
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Hell is full of the talented and Heaven is full of the energetic. St Jane Frances de Chantal
Posts: 3702 | From: Aotearoa, New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2002
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Well, APW, you have to take care of yourselves, or risk being fit for nothing. It's rather grim that it takes a severe cold to get you both a respite from visiting, but the alternative of infecting a home full of fragile oldies doesn't bear thinking about. So enjoy.
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
Piglet - Good to hear that your dad is settled and doing well. I'm sure as we get older our brains can't cope with too many things, and if you are spending all your energy on day to day stuff you don't have time for the sort of enjoyment a good chat or a drive gives you
APW - Hope your MiL settles down soon, it must be distressing for her.
We collected my mum from my brother's today, where she had been recovering after her cataract operation and took her home. I think the operation has gone well, but she is realising how bad her bad eye is and hasn't quite got used to the sight in her good eye. She also needs to get new glasses. I think my brother found the week quite tough. She won't stop talking, and every conversation has to revolve around her. My brother and I spent a few minutes trying to decide the next move. Didn't get very far, but I can see a time coming shortly when we have to make her either move near one of us, or except more help in her own home.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
Is getting the other eye done on the cards? Perhaps now that she's seeing the difference (sorry - no pun intended) it makes, she'll not be so apprehensive the second time round.
When my mother-in-law had hers done, apparently the first thing she said on arriving home was "goodness, I must clean those curtains!" ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
My mother has macualr degeneration in her other eye, for which the treatment hasn't really worked. There is nothing that can be done (yet) for it. Her first reaction on having better sight was to head for the anti-wrinkle cream!
I don't think it is just a problem with eye-sight, but there is more general age-related stuff going on as well. I'm coming to the conclusion that she wants conversation to revolve around her because she is finding it difficult to engage in more abtract concepts. Have others found this?
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Sarasa:
I'm coming to the conclusion that she wants conversation to revolve around her because she is finding it difficult to engage in more abtract concepts. Have others found this?
Yes. I think too that it is really frightening as we get older, especially with a loss of vision. I was interested that her first reaction was to reach for the anti-wrinkle cream - there's something quite touching about that - here's a woman who has not given up. (It's not that I hate wrinkles, but if she had the cream on hand it's obviously something that has been and is still, important to her).
My Dad had always been interested in international news and politics and I watched him slip away from this what was going on in his own life and his body. He also had less interest in his favourite son who is living overseas and whom he knew he wouldn't see again.
Huia
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
I visited an elderly friend in his short term care home recently, and yes, his conversation revolved round himself, but in three ways which seemed perfectly understandable.
Firstly, his state of health, which had taken a sudden downturn some weeks previously, resulting in a horrific shuttling between hospital, rehap and home,repeated over six or seven weeks. The care home was a respite affair, pending decisions about where and how he would live in the future.
Secondly, he was mulling over the necessity of selling his home if it became clear that he could no longer cope alone, and would need to stay in care. As he said, it's a big decision. His two children are immensely supportive, but he wanted this to be his decision rather than an outcome imposed upon him by circumstance and reinforced by family members, both of whom live at a considerable distance.
Thirdly,he talked about past events, his memories,stories about his deceased wife, and things that they had done in their early married life, both as a couple, and with their children.He often referred to people who had themselves died some time previously. I can tap into this, as I too have memories which no-one else can share,as the other participants are no longer with us. And I'm only 63! (It is rather a shock to realise that I've joined the ranks of the middle-aged, never mind the old. Wierd!)
This lovely man was not being self-centred, just coping with the major adjustment required by his recent life events. He did spare a thought for me and my welfare, as well as delivering a pungent comment or too about institutionaled living in the (excellent) home.
Maybe there has to be a detachment from outside issues, and an internal accounting of what life has been about.It seems to be all part of the preparation for death. Distressing to watch, but inevitable.
[ 26. April 2015, 16:51: Message edited by: jacobsen ]
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
Thanks for that Jacobsen - it makes sense when you think about it.
And about realising that you have joined the middle aged old, I am the same age as you but whenever people ask, usually as a security question I automatically say 42 I think it's because of the Hitch-Hikers' Guide To the Galaxy but it's caused me a few awkward moments.
Huia
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
And are you in any case the answer to life, the universe and everything?
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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